Day 10: Facing My Personalities: I am Mom The Protector

Today I am facing some of the fears I have around/about my daughter (L), concerning her chosen partner (P), as I project her into the future in my mind and imagine all kinds of consequences and all kinds of guilt comes up inside me. She had just finished a half marathon run, very cool , and we were out for brunch. They had just informed me the day before, P. was going to work in another province for 1 year to earn/save a good amount of money to put down on a house they would purchase.

I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to run away in my head/fantasies/self-projected fears about some imagined future, instead of remaining with my breath, in the moment and enjoying their company. In that  I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself  to pretend/justify  I was fretting out of concern for L. but after investigating this kind of thinking/pattern of worry around my children previously, within my process taking the Desteni I Process Course , I can see it is mostly based in self-interest, concern for my future/security/enjoyment/’happiness’ and therefore a rude self-indulgence.

I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to judge P. as unworthy of sharing a life with L. , in that she could be better off with a man who was more safe, quiet, homebody. In that I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to think that what he said in conversation was a ‘warning sign‘ that he would not be a faithful partner and she should not marry him/be with him and that L. should listen/hear/heed these warning signs and question him and be clear, as I was not clear when I married her Dad and did not heed warning signs and it resulted in my being ‘damaged’ and I do not want this for her.

I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to be directed by an emotion of guilt and great fear, a sickening feeling I get after speaking up, for several hours after we parted, as I spoke up self-honestly, in the moment, in the restaurant when we were discussing movie stars and ‘open concept marriages‘.  In that  I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to be influenced by an energetic reaction of fear and guilt bringing up the thoughts they will abandon me, see me less, I will miss L., P. will not like me and therefore keep L. from seeing me.

I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to think P.’s silence is controlling , keeps a woman in the dark and therefore the man has the power as he keeps L./the woman guessing, as in no clear communication so she is at a disadvantage. I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to compare this with the past/my past and have thoughts/feelings/emotions/pictures/memories arise within and as me of my father/brother/ex-husband/boyfriends/husband/ex-in-laws being silent about certain issues around authority/women/marriage/fidelity/strip-clubs/prostitutes or tell me, in one way or another, to shut up.  If I speak up, the message is clear, this topic is not open for discussion.

I commit myself through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to direct myself in awareness and remain ‘here’ with breath when I am with L. and P. and not get lost in my mind with imaginings of the future, in which I bring up emotions/pictures in my mind, which can in turn bring up reactions within myself and then I speak from the starting point of that reaction instead of remaining with what is real in that moment and addressing the issue at hand self-honestly.

I commit myself to not pretend it is for /only for concern of L. that I worry about her future with P. but remind myself it is out of self-interest so that I can enjoy her company, continue my role as mom the protector, which I identify as ‘me’ and gives me a sense of worth and a reason to exist.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts that P. is unworthy to be with L. and remind myself that I am one and equal to P. and rather I should speak up with common sense and self-honesty in a way that I would want to be spoken to . I commit to stop and breathe when I feel the emotion of fear/reactions to ‘warning’ signs/wanting protect my daughter from going through what I went through. Instead of reacting, I commit to actually be the living word/living example in awareness and slow down and consider what I want to communicate.

I commit myself through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to remind myself I do not have to participate in self-doubt, coming out in the emotions of fear/anxiety/guilt/worry, and go over and over using inner conversation/mind chatter in my head, the event as it unfolded, as it does not change anything. I also commit to remind myself I can trust myself to speak up more and more in the moment so as not to carry around alot of suppressed energy that can harm my physicality. In that, I also remind myself the person I need to not abandon me is ME! I need to get to know me intimately before I need to concern myself with other relationships and in common sense our relationship is very good and I don’t need to exaggerate what occurred, as I said what I said clearly and did not go on and on.

I commit myself to stop myself from being controlled and directed by my mind, through pictures in my mind/memories/emotions, by stopping/not following a thought that comes up which connects my past to the reality of the moment, when talking with P. and L. or any other being, thereby allowing me to focus on what is happening in front of me and respond/engage from the /in the physical  in a way that is compassionate and self-honest. In that I commit to remind myself that yes, some beings do use silence as a control manipulation tool but I can see through this and respond the same (self-directive/self-honest) and not give into fear and have this /them control me into silence/suppression.

Day 9: Personality Patterns: I am Mom

I have decided to walk through the many and various personalities I have adopted and become/lived within my 51 years of living, as I feel this will be beneficial in facing myself as the mind. I have 2 children , a daughter who is 23 and a son who is 20. First I will focus on my role as Mom and within that the roles I live with my daughter, whom I’ll call L.

I am Mom to L.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a loser Mom in comparison to other mothers and think I come up short financially, resulting in me not being able to ‘spoil’/treat/purchase gifts, take her on trips, spend time shopping, getting our hair done, nails done, doing some sports like skiing, contributing more to university, contributing to buying her things for her new home, have more for her wedding (hasn’t happened yet), pick up things for her spontaneously that I think she would like or for Christmas, purchase better quality clothes for her when she was growing up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the poor single Mom role and be humiliated by my ex’s family financial contributions, taking her on trips, buying her expensive jewelry at certain ‘important’  birthdays, paying for a tutor in high school, paying for her to belong at an exclusive ski club, taking her almost every weekend to the summer cottage or winter chalet, etc. while I lived poor.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the role of failure and in that be directed by a feeling of  less than/inferior/not good enough because I did not have a career but elected to stay home and do daycare and write music while L. was growing up, and even today, although I got my real estate licence and considered to begin a career in this about 4 years ago, I again choose to stay home and do daycare and take the Desteni I Process Course instead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself,  today, to continually people please L. always directed by fear that she will compare me/compare our home to that of wealthy relatives and wealthy friends of her fathers and that I will ‘come up short’/fail her, in that I still do not offer her the luxuries so many other people do in her life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by a emotion of embarrassment that my husband and I have still not finished/or done much of our renovation while she and her boyfriend renovated a whole house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think I need to impress L./to show her I am worthy because I am being directed by fear of abandonment, so I do things to ‘keep her happy’ so she will like/love/accept me, such as have the house spotless when she comes, have all the food she likes in the house, take her out for meals (I enjoy this alot too),  have all the linens clean for her, make sure we are all together for family night, and then feel exhausted and resent her for all the preparation work I ‘had’ to do when it was what I created through my own mind, lol!

I commit myself, through breath awareness here,writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop myself when I think I am a loser as a mother and not compare myself to other mothers in total separation of myself and to follow my process until I fully see/realize/understand I am only harming myself and others by using my mind to bring up feelings/emotions/memories/fantasies/pictures/wants/needs and projecting this outward onto my daughter and these women. I commit myself to come back down to earth/reality by using my breath in each moment here in awareness and remind myself my daughter does not require these materialistic things from me and we can enjoy each others company no matter what we do and I do not wish to be a part of the world system of money any longer (obviously I still am but am aware of it now and am in the process of contributing to bringing about an equal money system in the world).

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop myself when I think I am/was the poor single Mother, the victim and to stop all thoughts and emotions of humiliation, embarrassment, inferiority, worry, regret, anger about my ex-in-laws and ex-brother and sister in-law and niece, as it does nothing to change the past and only harms my human physical body through the energy created by my mind participation, so I stop and breathe and re-commit to stay with breath and awareness of my physicality in each moment here, until I fully see and understand I am responsible for what I create in this world.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop myself whenever I have thoughts/emotions of being a failure and all thoughts/reactions of feeling less than/not good enough of a mother because of my choices in life to stay home and earn income so I could write music and now take the Desteni I Process Course, until they exisit/come up in my mind no longer, as I know we are all one and equal here and these thoughts are of the mind and have no reality in physical existence. I commit to remind myself L. supports me in my choices and respects who I am and who I am becoming.

I commit to stop myself each time I try to please L/get her approval, I remind myself to breathe, slow down, remember what is important in life and enjoy my time with her, which has nothing to do with money or money is my master. I commit to just be me , here, in life awareness and not mind awareness as a story of a mother and daughter, but to respect her and I and all by being real and not a collection of memories and fantasies.

I commit myself to stop all participation in thoughts comparing our renovation with L’s and her boyfriend’s renovation, as it is a waste of my time and meaningless, it does nothing but bring up energy inside of me coming out in fear of L’s disapproval, which is but a delusion/fantasy in my mind as she is only supportive of all we do or don’t do.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop my thoughts and breathe-breathe through thoughts-that I have to have everything perfect when L. comes for a visit (she just moved out recently) and not engage in internal conversation unaware it is happening about how I am lacking in some way as a mother. I commit myself to not be directed by guilt if she asks for certain food (she is vegetarian) that I do not have and may not be able to afford and not run out to the store. As well I commit myself to not try to buy her love/approval/or please her by fussing when she is coming or fantasizing about what I will get her as gifts or  what we will do ‘special’ together.

Day 8: Failed Relationships: Rushing

How has my fear, in particular fear of time, contributed to my failed realtionships? Why has it and how has it had an impact on my ‘love life’ and in fact controlled me? In the simple act of rushing I am in my mind thinking/fearing there is not enough time, feeling and fueling anxiety, to improve myself/be better than/impress my partner so to ‘keep him hooked’ into believing that which I don’t believe; that I am worthy of a decent /loving partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush in almost every romantic relationship I have ever had, for fear the man will leave me so I need a ‘commitment’ , I need to control the relationship and ‘tie the knot’ for emotional and financial security because I fear time, as in aging and needing to have babies or aging and need to use my physical ‘beauty’ to get/keep a partner so I better hurry up as the clock is ticking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear time, a creation in the mind (in common sense there is a linear passing of moments, of course) that has controlled me through fear of only so much time, so many years in ones life, so I must rush/do/have/be certain things before I’m old/I die/it’s too late.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to fear the impending doom and decay of my physical human body, the unknown as in death and what awaits-to such an extent-that I remain in total separation, a self-interested personal bubble, that I do not care about the suffering of others enough to stop and direct myself to be an agent for change in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  for being directed by the act of rushing and  being directed by thoughts of  hurry up, you’re gonna be late again, he’ll/they’ll be mad at you, or self-deprecating thoughts of you’re always late, you’re such a screw-up,/loser/incompetent idiot or thoughts of failure/giving up of screw it they hate me anyway, it doesn’t matter, screw him/them they’d be late too if they were me, they don’t understand, I don’t like them anyway, I don’t care.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush when my partner/father in the past/others intimidate me, tell me to hurry-up, rush me, act impatiently/rude when they feel I am late or going to be leaving late. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to react with the emotions of anger, frustration, intimidation, fear of abandonment, anxiety, confusion. So I am communicating from a starting point of reaction instead of stopping and breathing and expressing self-honestly in that moment, and not accepting abuse, which would be best for all involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to think I must rush/hurry so I can get everything done I need to for self-interested survival, as in; exercise so I stay slim so I am sexually attractive for my partner and he will not leave me or when I was single to attact a mate, get work done so I am earning income and manipulate ways to receive/earn more money to build my personal wealth and that of my families, write a song to attract/or keep someone interested in me sexually, get chores done/school work done and not consider all life equally important and close my eyes to the suffering of the majority in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to believe that rushing/worry about ‘not enough time’ and the emotions that it creates within and as me of fear/anxiety/anger is in anyway productive or achieves the desired result when, in fact, the opposite results.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to have the memory/picture exist within and as me of my father rushing my mother, my mother often being a little late for events (getting stuck in domestic chores as I often do), and my boyfriend in university, ex-husband and husband rushing me in a similar manner.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application (daily self-directive movement in awareness), to stop myself whenever I think there is not enough time, time is running out and I must get/keep a man/partner and must participate in this feeling of anxiety and fear (as if it is real) and I breathe and remind myself to slow down my thoughts. I realize I do not need a man for survival as I am capable on my own and can enjoy my own company and the company of others when I want it.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to fully see and understand that fear of time, as in rushing, is fear of death, and in that to face this fear head on so as to walk out of a self-interested existence of me as an island (separation) and into the oneness and equality of all that is here, as life and thus speak/act/move to bring about the change required to implement an equal money system in our world, as what is best for all, and not just me.  I commit to remind myself that fear of death/only so much time/rushing has not, in common sense, done anything of value for me but made me immobile and feel physically sick, use alcohol, make poor decisions, say things I regret, etc.  and in that I commit to not project this rush out onto my husband and try to control him to rush/put up with lateness, as well

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop putting myself down and remind myself to be patient in my process of self realization, as it is a 7 year process of re-programming oneself. In this I also commit to stop projecting outward to my husband, co-workers, children, and friends that they will judge/criticize me for being late if I do not rush. I remind myself that in the act of slowing down with breath awareness I am much more likely to NOT be late-even though I am not rushing-so the opposite of what I thought/how I was acting/moving is true!

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop my reaction when being bullied to hurry up- and breathe and stand up for myself/speak up self-honestly in the moment to stop the abuse. In this I commit myself to remind myself to be on time for myself and others as it is rude and disrespectful and brings out the ‘worst’ in all involved also if the abuse does not stop, I commit to remove myself (if possible) from the abusive person/situation and have a zero tolerance stand with regards to abuse of all nature.

I commit myself to stop the act/movement and thought of rushing within my daily participation in my world and towards others in thought/word/deed and in that be aware of and walk through the emotion of fear in relation to time is running out/passing/only so much time and to assist and support my body to ‘go through’ the fear, so not use the energy crated by the emotions of fear/anxiety which eats away at our flesh/physicality, by breathing and focussing on each in and out breath while going about my day, ever reminding myself/bringing myself back/down to earth/out of my head of thoughts, by breathing through them (not following them as one thought leads to another) and bring my focus back to the physical, to reality, as what is best for all.

I commit to remind myself that the act of being aware of my breath -life awareness – is not ‘too hard’ but as with most things , it is  an adjustment period/takes some time to get used to, then the outward focus of life/reality will be natural BUT always a priority in each moment to keep it that way for eternity, in that I commit to never fall asleep in a self-interested, selfish, dream which I turned into the nightmere of consciousness on earth versus awareness on earth.  Never again! Til here no further!

Day 7: Facing My Father 3: Little Girls Are Inferior

My father believed the white male -under god of  course-was the superior species, the adult superior to the child and of course the male superior to the female and the human superior to the animal kingdom and plant kingdom.  The order of arrogance and hatred goes on but I will stick to what I am facing/blogging about today, the point of my childhood feeling less than/not good enough/inferior and somewhat sexualized as a little girl.

In this first statement , I forgive myself AS MY FATHER.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat my daughters as if they were not equal and one with myself, as if I were better than them and the system of hierarchy was in fact real (which it is not, as it is an idea made up in the mind). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and tell my daughters in so many subtle and not so subtle ways, that the superiority/order of importance was god given and birth given and there is nothing we can do about it and that this entitled me to treat them rudely/ignore them/ insult them/sexualize them/exagerate all of my beliefs when I was drinking and then confuse and create guilt in them as I would feel terrible the next day and treat them super nice (but not humble and apologize which is what they deserved as my equal).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think many men would sexually abuse young/little girls if they could get away with and that innocence is sexually attractive, as a flower in bloom, the child is new and beautiful/unspoiled by time and it feels good and is exciting to see/touch/explore this thing for your own self-interested pleasure and that this is ok no matter how it harm the child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I, as a child, was less than/inferior to /not as important/slave to an adult and particularily to an adult male and in that be fearful, as a ‘wrong’ word or action from me could result in harsh/humiliating/embarrassing words to punish.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this with me into adulthood and have this belief exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is better to be silent/hide/be out of view so to be left alone/ignored/not noticed than chance suffering the humiliation/verbal abuse of my father ( he has passed on but now husband/partner or other male authority figure) should I upset him.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this into adulthood and thereby be needy/controlling/insecure/people pleasing,  so as to constantly and continuously validate my worth as I feel unworthy/less than/ have low self-esteem,  OR to avoid people as in not participate/walk away from relationships or friendships, so as to constantly and continuously validate my unworthiness/less than image of myself instead of face the possibility of failure/criticism/abandonment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is very important to ‘tip toe’ /be careful/ cautious around my dad as he is unpredictable and is a heavy user of alcohol as well as an authoritarian dictator of sorts in the home (not absolute, often kind , but this made it even more heartbreaking and confusing and caused much guilt). In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this belief into adulthood, my adult relationships and male romantic relationships in particular, in that I am very fearful of being abandoned and try to please/apease/act cautiously and am not therefore, free to just be me and explore me and create freely but instead enslaved, and a slave here only to please a man and enslaved to the idea men are mean, don’t really like me, will ‘fly off the handle’/be unpredictable so you have to be ‘on guard’ at all times and serve them domestically and sexually so they are not angry (more angry) with you.

Commitment As my father: I commit myself to treat all human beings and animals equal and one with the way I want to be treated, with respect as life, dignity, patience, and kindness. In that I commit myself to remain here, out of my mind of thoughts/opinions/beliefs of a hierarchical system of abuse and justification for that abuse.  I commit myself to stop all thoughts and expression of those thoughts related birthright/god given right as in order of importance of life here on earth and in the afterlife as it does not support life one and equal and is not best for all.   I commit myself to not using mind altering substances, as in alcohol, as it contributes to further verbal abuse (and in deeds/actions) within the family unit and unit of humanity in separation and understand that my actions/words/deeds affect the whole and abuse will not be tolerated.

I commit myself to stop and breathe and stop my thoughts whenever I think that my father or any other men think young female children are ok to stare at /desire in a sexual way, talk about in a sexual way, ignore because they have no hope of having sex with them, fantasize about or engage in any sexual activity with them.  I commit myself to remember that most/many men do not engage in this behavior and I will work towards implementing an equal money system, resulting  in a world that respects/values all life equally and this abuse will not be tolerated at all in any form, including online.  I commit myself to remember that my father loved me and I do not have specific memories of sexual abuse (my sister told me of an incidence) except a creepy/errie feeling about it, and that my father was indeed very kind later in his life toward me and my siblings.

I commit myself , through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to support and assist me, to fully realize I am in fact one and equal to all in existence and to not allow myself to be unaware of fear when it arises but to face it head on knowing /understanding/realizing this is a pattern of thought/programmed into me and I will not get rid of it completely until I walk through and as the solution as me as equality in fact to all men/women/children/animals/plants/existence so I will stand and will not allow fear, specific as fear of verbal abuse, to control me.

I commit myself , through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to support and assist me, to fully realize/see/understand that I am safe and do not have to be silent/hide/avoid/leave/people please/be needy for fear of attack/humiliation as this type of behavior is unacceptable and not tolerated by me any longer and that I have a voice and can use it appropriately, to stand up for myself and for life/all as one and equal to life in the moment, and self-honestly express myself in the moment of abuse. No matter how long it takes to fully become this commitment.

I commit myself , through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to support and assist me, to fully realize/see/understand I do not have to tip toe around some supposed authority figure/man whomever he is and I can be free to be me, as is all as me, to explore, express, create and make mistakes, yes as I am in the process of self perfection, I can fall, forgive myself  and get back up on my own without the approval or disproval of my partner or authority figure in my life, in this I commit to face the fear of the unknown/unpredictability of some people/events in life and stand in the moment as each moment occurs with breath and within self-honesty. I also commit to supporting and assisting others to stand one and equal in birthing themselves as life here in the physical.

Day 6: Relationships: My Mom: Being rude and bitchy to store clerks & partner

Yesterday was Mother’s day and I visited my Mom and we went out for dinner and did some shopping for her. When  we were at the cash paying for her goods she became agitated with the store clerk and was subtly rude (I have seen her on several occasions be very rude).  This reminded me I have the same trait/habit and my children have pointed it out to me many times (I do not have the same relationship with my Mom where I feel comfortable pointing something like that out to her).  Although I have become more aware of this it still happens where I am rude/impatient with store clerks. It has also been pointed out to me by partners I have had in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to store clerks in a way that is rude/impatient and acting in a way that comes from a point of me assuming I am superior/better than store clerks. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to treat another human being as less than, like they are the slave, there to do my bidding/serve me and their feelings do not matter and that I have a ‘right’ to do this . (Note: I am not talking about instances where someone should be ‘called’ on their inappropriate actions or behavior)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient/rude to my partner as if he is also there just to do my bidding/serve me and if he retaliates I justify my behavior/actions, that I am right, in a emotional reaction of anger and an argument ensues.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my time is more important than another’s time and they should behave accordingly and comply.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to treat my partner or another being differently than I would like to be treated and in this, act/speak in unawareness that I am separating myself from them as me and in separation from the whole and in that not directing myself as/in oneness and equality of all life here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to believe/think I am entitled to be bitchy/self-serving towards my partner/another because of my ‘relationship’ to them being one of wife/girlfriend/customer and thinking they ‘owe’ me this thing/attention/service.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever or before I speak to / or act rudely to a store clerk or partner and remind myself I do not have the right to treat another human being in this manner. I commit myself to not only say I am not ‘better than/superior to‘ another but to act in that way.  I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am beginning to feel impatient, remind myself I have nothing but time as I no longer accept and allow myself to rush and it is not how I would like to be treated.  I commit myself to never expect another to do my work (assistance and support is often necessary/welcome when one is learning new things), like they owe me something and are my slave, and until such time where there is an equal money system in this world, I commit myself to treat store clerks and my partner as one and equal to myself.

I commit myself to not react in anger or manipulation or criticism if my partner is not doing something the ‘way I want’ around the house, in that I commit myself to stop and breathe if something he has done/is going to do is not exactly what I want and realize I care about him more than whatever the chore/decorating/renovating/cooking etc is. I remind myself to slow down, not react, and breathe and trust that we can figure things out peacefully and usually, together, we create something awesome.

I commit myself to stop rushing and creating anxiety within myself and within my enviroment by being impatient, worrying about some future event/destination and then getting angry at the situation and verbalizing/or using body language, to a store clerk or my partner, to communicate that I am basically pissed off and wish they would hurry up.

I commit myself to treat another, specifically store clerks and my partner, one and equal to how I would like to be treated, as equal to all life here, with tolerance,  patience and kindness when one is obviously doing all they can in situation.  I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness  and self-corrective application,  to my process of being aware at all times of how I am acting, how I am speaking so not in separation of another or my enviroment and thinking there is no consequence for my self-interested behavior.

I commit myself to not getting lost in my mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions/memories/pictures in the mind/opinions but becoming more and more aware of my thoughts/actions/deeds and my environment and how I am participating/acting within my environment as well as the people within it.

Day 5: Failed Relationships: Facing my Father 2

Having done the first blog about my father I am becoming aware of how my relationship with my Dad, being one where he did not give me much attention when I was young (engage in conversation or touch me much) and his belief I did not need much attention,  was the quiet shy child, who tried hard but never had much success and was average, led to my neediness and need for attention/approval from men to make me feel worthy and over come my feeling of less than/belief I was not enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/be directed by emotions of insecurity/self-doubt/unworthiness that I require something/someone/a man outside of myself and in separation of the whole as me, to give me attention/approval/love in order to get a positive reaction/feedback which feeds/directs my ego that I am enough and deserve a good life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect/relate another’s/a man’s words/opinion of me to how I relate to myself and direct myself, only and always thinking of the next thing ‘he’ will say , the next thing he will do to again feed this need/desire I have within me to fuel me /propel me to move to again get this feedback, like an addiction, forever looping round and round.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write songs/love songs/world message songs to attract attention, especially from men, in self-interest and not from the starting point of what is best for all life in equality, to get/secure attention and approval to feed my ego so I have a positive energy reaction/feeling to once again fuel myself to believe I deserve a decent life experience/that I have talent/that I am special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think men are basically mean spirited and do not like me and I need to ‘do’ something to impress them so they like me and if I do not do this they will discard/dispose of  me, like garbage, as that is  what I believe I am, just garbage. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/think I am disposable like garbage instead of  standing here, one and equal to what is here as life in/as responsibility for me and all others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my Dad and his friend, Dr. W, in which I think they are mean and that they see me as a sex object/toy for some guy in the future (note: I was never sexually abused), that I was only cute and that was all I was good for, and have this image exist within and as me to constantly direct me in my daily participation with life resulting in the consequence of me continually choosing partnerships in which I felt a need to prove my worth, felt less than, was full of conflict as energy and not have/choose a partnership based on trust, communication, equality and support. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people I see as cute/attractive as not needing/requiring attention/support/assistance and in turn ignoring them/disliking them/thinking they ‘got it easy’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need a man’s approval/love/attention because I will die without it, as they are bigger and stronger than me and will help me survive in this physical world, they are angry at me that I am not special and only good for sex so if they are not having sex with me I am useless to them and they want to discard me and in this I will die because I will not have money as I am financially dependent on men to provide for me a home and security as I saw my mother was financially dependent on my father and did not work outside the home. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe I am not capable of creating an adequate income for myself to survive without a man and even if I snag/get/manipulate a man to marry me/live with me , he will eventually leave when he finds out what all the other men know, that I am not worthy.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-directive application, to stop participating in the pattern of needing/feeding off of  positive enrgy/feedback/approval from men in separation of myself as the whole, to make me feel good enough/worthy of life. In this,  I commit myself to stop and breathe whenever I think I need approval for something I have done/created/said/participated in from a man,and remind myself I am worthy of a dignified life, as I am life here.

I commit myself ,  through writing, self-forgiveness and self-directive application, to stop thinking I require the positive feedback/approval from a male romantic figure or authority figure, or person in general, to motivate me  to feel good enough about myself to continue moving in a certain direction and to have that person’s opinion of me direct me in what I do or not do in relation to what I think they would like/want me to do, in self-interest, so I can depend on them  like a leach for company/friendship/a job/money/sex/to take care of me in some way or another, as this is how I define me/my life in/as dependency.

I commit myself to enjoy the creation of music/melody/lyric writing within the starting point of what is best for all and no longer in self-interest for my ego in separation. I commit myself to write/play/sing for enjoyment with the music as me by myself or with others for enjoyment and no longer to require positive feedback/approval from others to feed me, as in what I crave to feel worthy of other’s attention/approval/money/fame. I commit myself to create music that communicates the oneness and equality of all life here and the need for an equal money system in our world so all may have a dignified life and no longer write music about special relationships of love and separation.

I commit myself to stop and breathe whenever I think men are mean and remind myself I am one and equal to all men and women and no longer accept and allow myself to judge another but realize we all have the same inner demons to work through in the process of birthing ourselves as life in the physical, and not of the mind of opinions/gossip/inner chatter. I commit myself to stop myself whenever I think I am useless garbage and therefore need to manipulate men to think I am special and worthy of their attention , and to breathe here in the physical and remind myself I am equal to all in existence and should therefore exemplify this  and be meek and not directed by the emotions of fear/worry that I am not receiving attention from a certain other person, in separation of the whole.

I commit myself , through the process of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to stop all self-abuse of telling myself/thinking I am just a sex toy for some guy or if I am not, I better be able to make money for his benefit in some way, and that I can have value in those 2 ways only and not as life itself, and as  that is all I am good for, otherwise I can be discarded/ignored/passed by and I commit myself to no longer engage in fear of being without a man for financial survival.

I commit myself to stop participation in a belief system that I must provide a man with sex, children, taking care/cleaning/cooking in the home, or make money for him to believe I have value, or for myself to believe I have value. I commit to remind myself I do not need to ‘believe’ anything as I know I am life here with breath, living in awareness and not separation form the whole of humanity and all in existence.

I commit myself to remind myself I will not die without a man to take care of me as I am life here and in the process of birthing myself as life in the physical, and until there is an equal money system in this world, I am capable to earn income and not be dependent on another, require to hire people to do work for me (support and assistance of course is often required as we go through our processes of self-perfection). I commit to remind myself to breathe through fear as it arises, knowing it is not in fact real but I am real, as in life here, as the breath!

Day 4: Failed Relationships: Beginning: Facing My Father

It makes sense to trace back my failed relationships to my father and to follow an order, so I’ll go back and start with my Dad.

Listening to the Reptillian interview Series from Eqafe (Desteni’s online store), the being refers to one key point each individual will have to face, that is within and as themselves, that they must get through as one of the keys to birthing themselves as life, here in the physical. This is the process I am busy with, in relation to my DIP course and daily participation within my life and Desteni.  Perhaps my one point to face is fear of men, more specifically fear of being rejected by men, that they will verbally abuse (make fun of , think I am wrong, stupid, less than others) and abandon me. I have to ask myself, so? This must then be the fear of losing safety/security as well as validating my worst fear that I am worthless and worthy of leaving and not capable of standing on my own two feet,  financially and emotionally . Hmm, that’s alot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see and understand that the fear I am facing now (insecurity about my marriage) is directly related to my past as my relationship to/with my father and that this has been actually pre-programmed into and as me, life after life, and will continue until I stop and examine and see the thoughts and delete the old program and write a new program.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe what my father thought/said, that I was the cute, youngest daughter, who was shy and no trouble at all, in fact she doesn’t even speak much and doesn’t ask for anything/require much attention, she is the easiest of the 4 children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see and understand that I do not need another’s stamp of approval, after having behaved/spoken/performed a certain way that they deem is the right/best way, to be worthy of life, as life is just that, life and requires no test. In that I also I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see and understand that I do not require to be taken care of now as I am not a dependent being (child) on an adult (parent)  and capable of earning income so need to see the real reason for my fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear suffering the humiliation of making a mistake/not knowing how to do something that a man thinks I should know and ‘failing’ in his eyes, his watchful eye, ever scrutenizing, judging my actions, ready to attack/pounce should I fall.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so pleased/relieved when I receive ‘positive’ feedback from a man/my Dad (authority male figure or romantic male figure) but not too pleased because it was always clear I was just average, never best, as he said several time ‘Sandy never wins the race but she always tries so hard.’ I understand this is what he was comfortable with and not what we (his children) were-average.

I commit myself  through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application  to stop and breathe when my husband and I are arguing and examine immediately where my reaction is from, where is the fear originating from, the anger and not dump it all on my husband and to bring myself back to ‘here’ as in the moment and deal just with the issue at hand in a practical and supportive way for both of us.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a picture of the past, as the shy, cute one who is no trouble and does not need much attention. In that also I commit myself to not become the opposite extreme but to be meek and not needy, so as to engage in living /participating fully in a way that is self-honest each moment and out of out ego, so not to be a character in a story with characteristics/personality traits ( of aggressive or submissive) but to be self as one and equal, here, creating a world that is best for all.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever and each time I think about/want/need/desire the approval of my husband/another man/authority figure and remind myself I require no approval from anyone but myself, self-honestly as I know when I am behaving properly, contributing properly, taking care of my daily responsibilites and I know when I do this I often get feedback that is supportive and assisting.  If I receive feedback that is abusive I commit myself to address the individual immediately, if possible, to stop the abuse as it is unacceptable towards me and from me. I also commit myself to stop all thoughts/emotions-fear, anxiety/memories/fantasies/backchat/self-talk that suggests I am financially dependent on a man, if this husband leaves me I have to get another. I know I am completely capable of earning an adequate income and making sound financial decisions.

I commit myself to stop whenever I am reactive, in fear/shame/ humiliation/intimidation/self-doubt/inferiority of my partner’s feedback or any authority figure’s feedback, and if I consider it harsh, critical, abusive I speak up self-honestly in the moment, in a way that is supportive and assisting to both of us, as to over-react only sends me once again into guilt and fear and a timeloop and serves no purpose but keep me stuck and the other stuck to/as/within the mind.

I commit myself to STOP when thoughts/backchat/inner talk/memories/pictures in my mind/emotions arise from within me and in my mind about being average. I am just me ‘here’ and require no label for what I create or how I express myself in sport/music/work/socially.

To continue.

Day 3: Facing Jealousy, Regret, Spite: I dislike that women so much!

I am interupting my blogs on failed relationships because I had such a strong reaction to a woman I saw in a coffee shop yesterday.  I was an aquaintance of hers years ago, our daughter’s were friedns in primary school. Point is, nothing happened, we do not say ‘hi’ to one another, doesn’t matter, it was just my reaction and explosion of backchat and emotion that I am concerned with and want expose and forgive so I can stop the pattern of reaction whenever I see a woman I know , or I don’t know, who represents the spoiled wealthy housewife/woman to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself into believing a picture has any power to control me, represented as a woman with expensive clothing, jewelery, etc. defining who she is as life or who I am as life, as a woman, equal to just a role/actor in a movie to be shiny and pretty as a trophy for her husband and to make other women appear less than so she and she as me, may be rewarded with positive energy in the form of feeling better than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to judge myself as less than/inferior to the  picture of this woman who always wears high heels and has very expensive hair style, huge house, drives a mercedes benz,  and thereby say to myself that I am nothing without wealth and without engaging/indulging in the hierarchical and  patriarchical systems of abuse that currently exist in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt in thinking, ‘I should not judge her as a rich bitchwhen I really do not know her, she seemed friendly/nice enough years ago’. I realize I do not judge her as much as not trust what she advertises herself to be as in involved in materialism and competition. I am in the process of removing myself from these world systems of beauty, competition, personal wealth for self interest. I realize we are one and equal in fact as she is me and not separate from and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this woman to other woman I have known in my past thereby abusing myself with getting lost in memories in my mind which can harm me, bringing up thoughts and emotions of regret, spite, jealously about what material things I do not have (indulgences as I have all I need), trips I cannot take, shameful memories feeling less than with wealthy friends and family, comparing what I could get for /do for my young children versus what others could do for their children, and on and on desires/wants.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective action, to remind myself that I am not a picture, nor is any other woman, and commit to not competing with any other woman for a man’s attention/desire/money by draping myself in money as fashion, jewelery, shoes, hair style, make-up but to examine my starting point when dressing that it is not to be more than another being but for comfort and practicality and enjoyment.

I commit myself to never again judge myself as a loser/less than/average/inferior when seeing another being who is dressed to attract attention.  I commit myself to more and more withdrawing from the money system and world systems that state I, as a woman, must dress/look a certain way to be desirable or worthy and instead express my physicality in a way that is self-honest to me in the moment, whether it be for fun or sport or comfort, etc.

I commit myself to not judge another being by their appearance and know I am as/equally responsible for the abuse of individuals being treated as less than/inferior, the abuse of human beings within the money system, the abuse of woman as sexualized by the media within/for profiting from selling sex/goods within the current money system.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective living, to staying ‘here’ in my awareness and not getting lost in my mind by connecting a wealthy woman in a coffee shop to memories, bringing up pictures in my mind, judgements/opinions, emotions of anger, jealousy, shame, guilt, regret, hatred, spitefulness, and continual thoughts.

I commit myself , when I see someone from my past who is a woman who is wealthy and physically adorning herself, to stop and breathe and simply say hello (whatever is appropriate) and to not judge her by the past and realize the truth that we are in fact one and equal and be an example of that.   Image