Day 3: Facing Jealousy, Regret, Spite: I dislike that women so much!

I am interupting my blogs on failed relationships because I had such a strong reaction to a woman I saw in a coffee shop yesterday.  I was an aquaintance of hers years ago, our daughter’s were friedns in primary school. Point is, nothing happened, we do not say ‘hi’ to one another, doesn’t matter, it was just my reaction and explosion of backchat and emotion that I am concerned with and want expose so I can stop the pattern of reaction whenever I see a woman I know , or I don’t know, who represents the spoiled, wealthy housewife/woman to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself into believing a picture has any power to control me, represented as a woman with expensive clothing, jewelery, etc. defining who she is as life or who I am as life, as a woman, being equal to just a role/actor in a movie to be shiny and pretty as a trophy for her husband and to make other women appear less than so she (not just this particular woman but myself and all women)  may be rewarded with positive energy in the form of feeling better than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to judge myself as less than/inferior to the  picture of this woman who always wears high heels and has very expensive hair style, huge house, drives a mercedes benz,  and thereby say to myself that I am nothing without wealth and without engaging/indulging in the hierarchical and  patriarchical systems of abuse that currently exist in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt in thinking, ‘I should not judge her as a rich bitch when I really do not know her, she seemed friendly/nice enough years ago’. I realize I do not judge her as much as not trust what she represents, as materialism and competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this woman to other woman I have known in my past thereby abusing myself with getting lost in memories in my mind which can harm me, bringing up thoughts and emotions of regret, spite, jealously about what material things I do not have (indulgences as I have all I need), trips I cannot take, shameful memories feeling less than with wealthy friends and family, comparing what I could get for /do for my young children versus what others could do for their children…on and on the desires/wants.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective action, to remind myself that I am not a picture, nor is any other woman, and commit to not competing with any other woman for a man’s attention/desire/money by draping myself in money as fashion,  jewelery, shoes, hair style, make-up but to examine my starting point when dressing that it is not to be more than another being but for comfort, practicality and enjoyment.

I commit myself to the process of stopping self-judgements such as labelling myself as:   a loser/less than/average/inferior when seeing another woman who is dressed to attract attention.  I commit myself to more awareness of the world systems that state I, as a woman, must dress/look a certain way to be desirable or worthy and instead express my physicality in a way that is self-honest to me in the moment, whether it be for fun or sport or comfort, etc.

I commit myself to not judge another being by their appearance and know I am equally responsible for the abuse of individuals being treated as less than/inferior, the abuse of human beings within the money system, the abuse of woman as sexualized by the media for profit from selling sex/goods within the current money system.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective living, to remain focused  ‘here’ in my awareness and not getting lost in my mind by connecting a wealthy woman in a coffee shop to memories, bringing up pictures in my mind, judgements/opinions, emotions of anger, jealousy, shame, guilt, regret, hatred, spitefulness, and continual thoughts.

I commit myself , when I see someone from my past who is a woman who is wealthy and physically adorning herself, to stop and breathe and simply say hello (whatever is appropriate) and to not judge her by the past and realize the truth that we are in fact one and equal and be an example of that.   Image

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