Day 17: Self-Forgiveness on Spirituality as Mind Possession 2

I am continuing with SF after I got sober, so eight years ago, in relation to spirituality as mind possession!

Note: Alcoholics Anonymous (AA ) was an awesome first step. It supports millions on their journey to sobriety and for that I am grateful!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that it was not a higher power (as AA asks you to believe in) that removed my obsession to drink but that it was abstinence from the substance of alcohol itself, for a 21 day period, so that the alcohol had left my physical body/system and therefore, I no longer physically craved it. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize it was my own acceptance/allowance/commitment to myself, to not drink anymore and attend meetings, that was my process of change, back to health, and not a outside force/higher power who had finally answered my prayers because I had joined AA.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think faith was the way to go, as in new higher power within AA. and to think this new AA higher power was leading me, as in things are meant to be this way, and that this higher power was loving and all powerful. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was putting my trust into a AA sponsor’s advice, to not question my experience with my mind (as in hearing voices/going insane) because I was so relieved I survived/lived through everything and my kids were ok and our relationship was ok. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I could trust myself, as me here, with each moment of breath in the physical, instead of, as this sponsor suggested, ‘trust God‘.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was not trusting myself or acting responsibly and directing myself in fact, but allowing myself to be directed by another person, my AA sponsor (I had only changed my mind possession from alcohol and a very confused idea of a higher power, as my old masters, to a AA sponsor/AA as a whole and a new idea of a higher power, as my new masters).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I thought I was special to be able to hear this higher power and not realize or deny that it was the mind/sub-conscious that AA  was directing people towards as a savior/solution to alcoholism to guide/lead/direct them to a better life, and all these other new members of AA were waiting for their ‘spiritual experience’ but I had a direct link.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I thought I was special/different than these other alcoholics because I drank on purpose, as in to stop the noise in my head all those years ago, and not because I lacked will power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I believed AA and the 12 steps they suggest, were the solution for alcoholism (any addiction) which strongly suggests reliance on the mind, as in a higher power, and this just transfers the possession of alcohol to the possession of god/spirituality and one does not become self-directive in their life but is dependent on an outside entity, for a daily cure/reprieve to alcohol/drugs/etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I put aside/did not consider all the millions suffering on earth, except in airy fairy charity way, and just focused on AA and myself and my higher power for about 6 years before I found Desteni online.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was still, in fact, in a mind possession of spirituality, with relying on the AA idea of a higher power, and I continued to let my mind confuse me/direct my life/actions in thinking it was important for me to make alot of money by starting a residential renovation business or sell real estate or write a hit song, instead of a common sense solution/job for income. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, as I tried all of the above but did not have the financial backing to make any of these egotistical ideas a reality, I continually had to borrow from relatives and bug my ex-husband for financial support (above child support).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and not trust my own common sense, and  once again listen/follow my mind/higher power’s guidance in relation to needing to impress others or a potential mate with the amount of money I had/was earning but that I needed to earn a stable income for myself and my children and that is all and it does not define who I am if I earn a modest income and create stability, I do not require ego, in that I am special, important , look how much money I have/make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I did not need to pray, ask someone else/something outside of myself about a potential partner/husband and follow supposed signs, as in dreams/songs that come up in my mind I thought were messages from a eternal power/coincidences I read as signs from god as important, giving guidance whether I should marry my husband or not , warnings about marring him, so that I was quite terrified of marrying him (second marriage, yikes) and nearly called it off, when after 5 years of marriage, not perfect, but it is a very enjoyable, supportive union.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I did not have to continue writing music to supposed inspire people to get sober, impress people in AA so they like me/I am popular to feed my own ego/insecurity, I did not have to let this ‘higher power’ /sub/unconscious mind communication bully me /suggest it is my duty/who I am and who I am suppose to be rich,successful, famous and it is ok to want these things and still write a song for charity and give a little money-you’ll look good to others. In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I do not have to record lyrics or melodies into a tape recorder in the morning, when I wake up or throughout the day when I hear original music in my head and I do not have to, again, let myself be bullied into starting to do this over and over again, each time I decided not to, because I was frightened by this power greater than I bullshit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that music I receive in my mind is not some important sign or calling of a divine nature, it is just information from sub-conscious mind, which is programmed within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I can write music and lyrics for fun and to share for free with others and jam with my friends for enjoyment, at my leisure and make up melodies and lyrics in the moment, out of my mind, and it is still fun and easy for me, although I am not used to it I can enjoy the process of going slow and improving over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that, all I needed to do to heal myself was to stay out of my mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions/memories/picture/internal conversations and walk, moment by moment, with breath, in awareness of my being/physical, and to forgive any thoughts as in dreams/messages/pictures I remembered in the morning and not contemplate them/obsess them/read into them/think they are ‘signs’ of importance/divinity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that ‘signs’ from heaven/god/the great universal spirit as in someone calling you on the phone/coincidences, running into to someone/something you see on tv or a movie/a song playing in a shopping mall, is not happening to tell me something important, like a fucking mystery/puzzle I was to figure out and I should not question, and to not realize all it (these supposed signs) did was keep me preoccupied so I did not see the reality of my world, as in people suffering, dying by the millions, children crying at my feet and I ignored them and passed them by, because of self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was being directed/controlled by my very manipulative mind which used my ego and flattery as in , after I put together a song from pieces of melody and lyrics *which people refer to as ‘inspiration’, I would get an image/vision in my mind, when I went to bed, of  for example Albert Einstein… so oh, good this higher power source is pleased with me and not realize it was just another authority figure I was fearful of, if instead I received a frightening image or dream, ie. poverty and abandonment, I would think I should work harder, write more, better. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was in complete mind control, possession.

Day 16: Self-Forgiveness on Spirituality As Mind Possession

Today I am interrupting the walking of my personalities to do self-forgiveness on my mind possession of spirituality.

I started a ‘relationship’ with my mind, as a possession of/as a ‘higher power’ communicating with me when I was about 33 years old. My marriage was breaking apart and I was devastated, as I had 2 young children. I prayed in earnest and was shocked when I heard an answer/reply, which was my mind speaking to me but I did not understand this and  I interpreted it as god/a higher realm .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I did not need to seek/look outside of myself for a solution as a higher meaning/purpose for my existence and experience I was facing. In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this experience/reality was too painful to walk through, as my husband leaving me, because he did not like his role of family man/breadwinner and the responsibility and day in and day out struggle it entailed.  In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also think I needed to escape the situation for what it was, a breaking down marriage, or control it by stopping him from leaving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was hearing my own mind in speaking to me during the night, in dreams and in music and lyrics in my head/mind and in that thinking I was special , it was important that I rise above this situation because I had accessed the higher realm and could write music, love songs and win him back and make money for our family and essentially, save the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself record melodies and lyrics with a tape recorder, each morning for years, believing the communication to be special and that it would help me/my children and the world one day, writing love songs, inspirational songs, and songs of  god, love and light and goodness when reality shows this world is not full of love but full of war, abuse, lies, greed, destruction but, as with my small world within, I wanted to wear blinders, with regard to the world in it’s entirely as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was doing the opposite of empowering myself , I was going inward more and more, into my own mind and writing more and more music, faster and faster, becoming more isolated and delusional in thinking my husband would not leave me, not living in reality, with my feet planted firmly on the ground and my eyes open, and breathing here in awareness, but was lost and possessed by worry, fear, anguish, for my future and my children’s future and lost in my  mind of hoping and praying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my ego and listening to my mind of self-interest and think that I was special and talented and should pursue music as a career, when this was obviously delusional as I was 33 years old when I started to write and sing and play an instrument and it was much too big/difficult a jump from no music (very little, piano lessons as  a child) to thinking I could earn income from selling songs in a hugely competitive market just on ‘belief’ ‘positive thinking ‘ ‘against all odds’ because the universe/great spirit is ‘on my side’ the side of the little guy, who this spirit loves and it is my lesson to learn and then, share with the world, that we can overcome all hardship, overcome strife, poverty, when again , this is delusional because I had numerous advantages, living where I did, that millions in the world do not have and they cannot ‘overcome’ any of their hardships because they have no money and no hope for money in their future. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a fantasy world of self-interest and poor me, my life did not work out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that all the spiritual books bought and read did nothing to practically assist me and my children but put money in the guru author’s pocket/added to another brick in his/her next mansion. In that,  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind further interpret these books by sending me messages (I thought the communication was like sending me personal messages) in dreams and first thing when I awoke in the morning and I would contemplate this information from my mind and often make it into lyrics and write a song about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I needed to get a job, get out of the house and not obsess my mind but be part of the real world to make income to support my family. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was not/am not special but am equal, in every way, to every human being, as the human physical body/substance here on earth and to stay with what is here is not painful or difficult but that it is the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions /memories/ideas/beliefs that makes it so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my own thoughts to such an extent that one day the dream/night experience melded into and as the day experience  and I could ‘hear’ (inside my mind) the mind chatter/internal conversation all the time (I could ‘talk’ to it and it would answer back), I could not stop it and it drove me to insanity, as I could not control/distinguish thoughts so they went on and on…’you are Jesus, you can heal people, don’t listen to me, this is hell, you can do anything, we are aliens, you should kill yourself, say goodbye to your children….’ In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to frighten myself and diminish my very beingness to the extent that I thought I was broken beyond repair and did not deserve to get assistance and I should ‘end’ myself as in kill my very human physical body and leave my children and not even be very sad about this, as I was so confused and just afraid to be ‘found out’ as I knew I was insane.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care about my very life, my existence here in the physical reality to such an extent I was considering death as an alternative because I was embarrassed at what I had done to myself more than I cared about my very life!

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the several mystical experiences (unexplainable occurrences) were not god/spirit as in something more powerful/greater than me but came from me (but are useless as they are inconsistent and I cannot predict accurately the outcome so I don’t fuck around with what I do not understand absolutely) and in that I bowed down in fear/submitted to inferiority and said to myself ‘I am broken’ (not completely as I kinda thought something wasn’t right here and this mind experience bent my belief in this higher power but then I did not know what to believe).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize , at that point, that it was my own mind speaking to me and I did not need to be afraid but to stand and walk with breath, out of the mind, was all I needed to do. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware enough to remain with the thing that was indeed supporting and assisting me, which was meditation/breathing, but was influenced by ego , the need to hide this shame of ‘going mad’ and paranoia ‘they will take my children away’ and reached for a quick and easy solution.  In that ,I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for choosing to medicate myself with alcohol instead of seeking medical attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize it would be ten years until I could stop the use of alcoholic drinking  and another 7 years to stop the use of a sleeping aid, as even though my mind was back to ‘normal’ these substances are addictive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to listen for my special messages from  this now questionable higher power–intelligent source I redefined it , even though I did understand something was not right about the mind, as in the design of the mind, and it made me angry for what I went through and millions of others have gone through and millions of others who will have trouble with the mind in the future. The mind can so easily get fucked up, many people kill themselves, I know 2 who hanged themselves (not close friends but heard through the grapevine) because they heard voices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to now consider this force -if not benevolent anymore-creative/interesting and to believe it cared about me as in wanted me/guided me to get sex/money/attention/fun and I was intrigued and curious about it still,  even though I did not buy into the ‘I’m special and will be successful and share with the world’ love and light stuff, as much, lol, I still did somewhat. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependent/addicted to this internal guidance and trust it still somewhat instead of trusting myself here, as in the physical, a physical being on earth, with what I could see and touch as reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize it was the deliberate design of the mind ,as in how the conscious/subconscious/unconscious mind is designed, and I was unwise to delve into an area of myself, as my design as a mind/physical being, that I knew nothing about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this communication was separate from me, separating myself from myself as my mind consciousness system, making me less than a force that perhaps knew more, had more knowledge and information and therefore was superior to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my ‘spiritual guidance’ each morning for years trying to do whatever my mind/subconscious mind told me to and follow my dreams in the same vain. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful of my dreams/messages and often frightened and worry incessantly about a dream, create much anxiety within me , harm my physicality by concerning myself with dream interpretation versus taking practical physical action to improve my and my children’s lives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my mind = higher power and emotions and feelings and get involved in a long, sick, abusive ‘relationship’ with another musician. In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I loved him, we were soul mates, meant to be together , let him use me sexually for several years and see me only for sex and let myself be treated like a prostitute.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen and record song after song and be completely delusional and send him songs in the mail. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think he will change his mind eventually and love me and commit to me, I just needed to be perfect, pretty, sexy, write great love songs, happy, interesting, informed, give him sex, not call him in between meaning ask for no friendship/companionship whatsoever. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question what kind of a loving guide my higher power was, to lead me down this abusive path.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have these memories of this abusive relationship exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to a inner voice to guide me to be with someone because he was sexy, had a sexy voice, played the piano, was handsome. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess this man to such an extent by ‘listening’ for my messages-from my subconscious- that  I thought was a ‘higher force’ ‘spirit’ greater than I, I eventually could not distinguish one day between my sub-conscious mind and conscious mind and thought continually, faster and faster until it was out of control and I almost could not stop it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so messed/confused/sick I could not sleep so medicated myself with alcohol and subsequently became an alcoholic. In that,  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seriously consider suicide (as the voices told me to, it would be best for all concerned) because of the supposed love of a man who ignored me 24-7 except a few hours each month, which was just energy addiction/sex and not love/respect, one human being to another.

In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my mind, think my mind knew more than me and for not being capable of loving, valuing myself, as life, as equal, here. *Note, I did not consider suicide because this man did not love me but because of my obsession with him which led to the insanity.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced/directed by emotions and feelings of curiosity, intrigue, excitement, pride, flattered, self-importance to think, ‘whatever this power is, is greater than I, so I will listen’, just because the mind possessed knowledge and information and was clever (good for songwriting), intuitive, knew me (duh it is/was my mind) and I became quite good at predicting future events, people who were going to call me, opportunities, but it never helped out that much to change my life for the better significantly, so wtf good was it?

In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I did not have to do something to be valuable, prove it to a man or myself, become something I was currently not, write more songs, write a hit song, get more money, property, clothing, etc., superficial shit so I was good enough for a man to want me. In that,  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider wanting to know myself, have an intimate relationship with myself /love me, before considering a relationship with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that writing more songs each day did nothing, contributed nothing of value, to me or my family or the world and was just ego and waste of time and of life, lost in a dreamworld, fantasy of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realize I have been holding onto/suppressing the experience of blame around this musician, he wronged me therefore, I am right to blame him for losing my mind, going insane (because of my obsession with him), almost killing myself, becoming an alcoholic, not going back to work, being basically poor all the years my children were growing up, not getting married again therefore losing an opportunity to get some financial security (not that I thought it was the only way).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize who I was myself, to disregard myself to the point that I almost threw myself out like garbage (which I have judged others as doing to me), I gladly gave up the control of my very day to day life (the direction and common sense of my life) to be told what to do by a voice inside my head, dreams, inspirations. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even consider in common sense my past, what I was capable of at the time, my talents, my education, my real skills, how much money I had, what predicament I was in being a single parent, what would be best for my children at the time, how I should take time to heal the emotional pain of the marriage breakup, seek mental support and assistance, slow down, get a job that would be good in the long run, not date or have sex for 6mo. to 1 year, speak to both sets of grandparents sensibly about housing and a loan.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I went from being possessed by my husband (obsessing him) to being possessed by my mind (higher power, spirit, god) I just transferred my dependency over to a voice in my head and assumed this voice would take care of me as I thought my husband would . In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was capable of taking care of myself , I was capable and deserving to give love to myself and not seek it outside of myself where it can never be found and for not realizing I am one and equal to these men I had relationships with.

In that,  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume this voice had my best interest in mind with pursuing songwriting, pursuing this musician and not look at it in common sense way, and not realizing it was appealing to my ego and I went with my ego instead of a real self-love, self-respect and not let money and men continue to push me around by being poor, not self-sufficient. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realize I have been holding onto/suppressing the experience of blame, blaming others and circumstances for my life experiences and not standing in/as self-responsibility for my actions in this life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I was suppose to reach for the sky, go for it big, as in life’s biggest and best experiences, crazy, over-the-top passionate love affairs, become rich and famous for me and my children, and to give to charity so I could share the bullshit, universal, all powerful, spiritual love message, which was and is total fantasy, as the world is full of suffering and millions starving to death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself get sicker and sicker as the years went on with no success in music as I did not like or work at marketing, I did not have a team and of people and money behind me, I was drinking more and more and did not have a wide enough range of talent and ability to record and market music (or computer skills) to succeed on my own, and to sometimes see and understand this but then follow the guidance of this inner voice again, thinking romantically, I should not give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I did not need to be thought of/treated as special, and for having such a low opinion of myself as needing confirmation from an outside source that I was special and I had value, so I could get out of bed one more day. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I did not have to have an opinion of myself, a definition of myself as in a box, a personality with talents and hobbies to make me describable with experiences and accomplishments, to define who I am and prove to myself and others I am alive, I have a life, this is my story, I have traits, beliefs, a faith, a dream, therefore, this is who I am.

To Be Continued:

Day 16: Self-Forgiveness Statements

Day 17: Realizations and Solution

Self-Commitment Statements

Day 15: Walking Responsibility for Blame and Suppression 2

Today I continue walking the point of facing and taking full responsibility for, the blame I have placed on others,  specifically here, in regards to memories around the ski chalet my children went up to as they were growing up and my ex`s family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or be aware of the backchat/internal conversation,  thoughts, feelings and emotions, that pop up in my mind,  that go unnoticed by me, as I go about my day.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been suppressing reactions of memories and people that validate/justify my blame.

Memory: Christmas At the Chalet

Suppression of reaction of memory & people:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hate those fucking hypocrites  (ex,his parents, his brother and wife) for saying over and over again,you are part of our family now, we love you and putting up with all their extravagance, wealth in my face they have tons of money so why don`t they offer to help me and the kids, I have no money to buy them presents and then they get whisked off to the fucking chalet to wonder santa land and look so great. How sick to dump me like garbage , no longer part of the family `cause their son/ brother couldn’t be a responsible husband and parent. I hate them for that, how low and deceptive, I wonder when they’ll deceive L and my son. I dont’ trust them. Oh, yeah, they did deceive them already twice, just like with me , they say oh we love you you`re one of us then turn around and betray you ALL BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY AND WE DON`T . They gave the million dollar chalet to the brother and other grandchild and not them, then had the nerve to let the other grandchild stick her snotty nose in the air at them and say, ‘you’re not helping out enough’ and much more than I can type here, the way she treated them, I did warn L. and my son they were like this, how they deserted me when their son/brother abandoned/left me when the kids were 1 and 3 (lost all our money first).  They could have assisted me and the kids greatly by just saying here is 100 or 200,000, this is not alot of money to them. We know our son left you penniless and we said we love you and you are still one of the family, we told you to call us mom and dad and we still love you so we are giving this to you to help you! That would have changed our lives dramatically! NO, FAMILY LOYALTY and MONEY is the fucking real god real love here.I swear it nearly killed me. In a new, equal money, society people/parents will not be dumped and ignored and treated the same, consistantly and not denied what they need to provide for themselves and their children, just because of divorce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think what a fool I was to think I knew what my future was, christmas’s at the chalet with my children, skiing with them over the school break, partying with friends, more security as we grew older. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and be directed by guilt in thinking I should have stayed in the marriage because my ex-husband is too irresponsible to protect our children from getting ‘ripped off’/he is not capable of looking out for their best interest (his brother and sister-in-law are both very suave business people and ex-husband is more naive/trusting)  and because I wasn’t around to be the responsible one, he lost the opportunity to inherit/be given the chalet and my kids lost a place to go to ski when they were young adults and the substantial money it represents with ownership.

 they did wrong to me, and therefore I am right to blame:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think my ex/his parents/his brother and sister-in-law were wrong/in the wrong for taking the kids every winter weekend and over the christmas break all the years my children were growing up and giving them lots of gifts when I could not afford to do the same, for not financially assisting me more when they could clearly afford it , for giving the chalet to the other son and his family, for basically rejecting me as a family member because of divorce.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore blame them, and think that I am right to blame them, for my being a single parent for almost all of the years L and my son were growing up, blame them for the stress building , as I had no money and very little financial or emotional support from anyone, and then blame them for going crazy (insane) and then, subsequently, blame them for becoming an alcoholic and facing years of basic poverty .

I realize my ex did pay decent child support most of the years the kids were growing up, his family helped a little financially (with loans only, I still owe them), my ex-mother-in-law did invite me up north eventually and apologize and said to still call her mom. I realize I could have gotten a better paying job, ‘believed’ in myself and stood on my own two feet instead of playing the ‘poor single mother’ role. I realize I was mentally unstable and lacked any true self-esteem and fell into listening to my mind and trying to be a singer/songwriter. I realize I still managed to give my children much love and kindness and appropriate firmness as a responsible parent on my own. I realize I did manage somewhat to make ends meet and my ex’s parents helped with (along with my parents) a down payment so I could buy a home for the kids, as they could see I was the more stable consistent parent , not their son so it was best for their grandchildren. I realize they do love the children and have given them much kindness over the years.  I realize my dream of being successful songwriter was not reality (takes money to promote music and more talent/skill than I had but it was ‘fun’ and this was selfish /based in self-interest as ego as giving me an identity and  dreams of money/fame/love/praise from others, what I could not give myself. I realize I made those choices not other people, I chose to stay home (made money from home) and not go out and if I had I may have met someone to marry and built a life that way, that would have would have created financial stability for me and the kids. I realize I chose to not get medical help (for fear of losing custody of my children and shame/used to hiding and secrets) when I went insane , and I chose to use alcohol to medicate myself. They did not go to the liquor store and open the bottle and pour it down my throat all those hundreds of days that I took that inevitable walk/drive. It was my doing and my responsibility for my life, no one else’s.

I commit myself to the decision to live my life in complete here awareness with each breath and to  stop all such thoughts as backchat/internal conversations of blame/seeing myself as a helpless victim/polarity thinking of right and wrong that I have been unaware of , the moment it arises, until it is done/no longer exists within and as me, within my physical human body and my mind.

I commit myself to breathe through the first thought and not follow the train of thoughts that ensue and/or to stop the thought when it arises, to say aloud ‘stop’ and focus on breath to remain in my body and aware of all that is going on within me. I commit to remind myself I did not/could not use my voice as I am able to today and speak self-honestly and could not move myself as the directive and responsible principal of life, as I am starting to now, so could not properly assess my situation/environment or figure out employment or get help for the mental problems I was experiencing, adequately. I remind myself my ex, his mom and sister-in-law were/are also in their own process of self and I cannot blame or change them but can stand as a living example today, of what it is to live the principals of ‘best for all life‘.

I commit myself, through writing , self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to no longer accept and allow myself to blame others as in being directed/influenced by the emotional energy of anger/jealousy/hatred/fear towards another instead of facing what is inside of myself.  I realize my ex, his mom and sister-in-law did the best they could at the time within their understanding of themselves/life/love and blaming does not in fact change the past but in fact harms me, L. , my son, my x and his family. I realize I am completely responsible for what goes on inside of me, what happens in my  life and that I am one and equal to my ex-mother/father-in-law, my ex-husband and my ex-brother/sister-in-law as life, here on earth. I also realize and remind myself there was lots of good times together and kindness shared.

I commit myself, through writing , self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to no longer accept and allow myself to use any outside substance (food/drug) to avoid my life/me and commit to face my fears/emotions and walk through them, as they arise. in the moment, and face my fear of rejection/loss as what others will think of me as I only control/direct myself and do not need to judge/control others.

I commit myself to express myself in a way that is best for all life, as I become the living word and to do all I am able to, to implement an equal money system on earth, and to work toward this goal, breath by breath, until it is done.

Day 14: Taking Responsibility for Blame and Suppression 1

Today I am walking the point of facing, hence taking responsibility for, the blame I have placed on others, firstly in the blog I did yesterday, about the ski chalet my children went up to as they were growing up. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or be aware of the backchat/internal conversation,  thoughts that pop up in my mind,  go unnoticed by me as I go about my day.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been suppressing reactions of memories and people that validate/justify my blame.

Firstly, about this memory:

Walking in the beautiful valley at the ski chalet when pregnant with L. and thoughts about my ex-husband and his family.

Suppression of reaction of memory & people:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have/hold the following thought pattern, as  suppression of reactions concerning the above memory of my ex-husband, within and as me:  fucking X, asshole, he left me anyway and I stayed skinny and beautiful like his stupid spoiled mother, he dumped me , cause he couldn’t handle a little normalcy, having kids, too boring, he couldn’t fucking do the right thing, he destroyed our beautiful little family, he had to go out whoring around first, gave me a fucking social disease, went to prostitutes, had affairs and then humiliated me in front of family and friends and dumped me for his ex-wife and it did not even last. fuck I hate that fucking asshole. he is still an asshole. I can’t believe I chose him as a life mate. what the fuck was I thinking? and as a father to my children. oh god, then before he left he lost all our money on the stock market so I was left penniless! What a dick , he left us, our beautiful children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have/hold the following thought pattern, as suppression of reactions of the above memory, concerning my ex mother-in-law, within and as me:  I hate that she has all that fucking money in front of my face and I do not have any (or very little). She doesn’t deserve it any more than I do. she just married the fucking right guy and I didn’t , I shouldn’t have married her son. All the plentiful/bounty in the kitchen, such easy just jump in her mercedes and buy it  while the majority of the world is in human chains  . How stupid and spoiled she is to not realize what pressure and stress it puts on us to come up to her precious chalet castle. I hate this fucking situation. We can’t afford to contribute groceries the way they all like to eat plus gas plus food plus all the alcohol plus we have the kids.  X  kept losing jobs, absolutely no stability, he bought into your stupid dream and I bought into his but it is not /did not work for us. They have so much money and its in our face and we have none. We hoped and dreamed but it did not work out and she is still rich , every day since then she never even worries about paying one fucking bill. She doesn’t even know what that is like. She repeats these stupid stories of their early ‘hardship’ oh yeah, right and I listened respectfully for fucking years, 13 years! We spent at least half of the weekends with them and those people with money always just give you a little/just enough so they get your company and the promise of inheritance-if it were me /my kids I’d give them something substantial/real help like buy a house outright and say ‘there that is your inheritance’-that would have really helped in a practical way. Then when we separated she treated me like crap , like she did not know me on one occasion, many months later(a year or two later?) apologizes like oh its all better now. I just went fucking insane and then became a drunk while you take them every fucking weekend for skiing/snowboarding and fun time, I work/shop/cloth/feed/do laundry/love/care all week and then when there is some down time you fucking whisk (X did ) them away . why can /could you do that ? because you had/have money . period. I was so fucked up I needed the mental and physical break and they knew that and did not care about me one bit. what a fucking lie their ‘love’ was. I nearly died and that is no exaggeration. What happened to all the ‘call me mom, I love you dear’ over and over bullshit, I mean zero when her son dumped me. fuck you bitch. spoiled ignorant but oh such a good bridge player -that takes alot of intelligence you know-and tennis player and has big tits so her husband didn’t dump her. She’s just a spoiled rich lady, she has no idea what I went through or what I go through now

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have/hold the following thought pattern,  as suppression of reactions of the above memory, concerning my ex sister-in-law, within and as me: oh god, the precious liquid gold (bailey’s irish cream), absolutely despised being in that situation weekend after weekend, we could never afford to replace the damn booze. fucking stupid, ridiculous pressure to keep up , it was fucking impossibe, oh its ok we don’t mind and then she said some snotty thing abut us not contributing, fuck you I don’t care about you or your expensive booze, who the fuck cares ? god it was so humiliating. I blame myself for not resisting the deliciousness of it, then not forcing myself to spend the money to buy it more often/appropriately/ take my turn, we definatly could not afford it but I did drink it so …crappy situation all around. horrible predicament and she is to insensitive to realize our financial position or care. I would have stayed home but X insisted we go, fucking sucked all ’round.

they did wrong to me, and therefore I am right to blame:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think X was wrong/in the wrong for being unfaithful, not holding a steady job/bring in steady income, losing our money on the stock market, being verbally abusive, and breaking up our family unit. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore blame him and think that I am right to blame him for my being a single parent for almost all of the years L was growing up, blame him for the stress building , as I had no money and very little financial or emotional support from him or others, and then blame him for going crazy (insane) and then, subsequently, blame him for becoming an alcoholic and facing years of basic poverty .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think my ex-mother-in-law was wrong/in the wrong for being insensitive to her wealth being in my face all those years, bringing up a spoiled ‘entitled’ son, then giving the chalet to the brother (so not to my ex and them to my children) and treating me poorly when my marriage ended and not assisting me financially, in a substantial way that would have practically had a huge impact on my and L. and my son. (she is /was very wealthy/when I asked they have given me small loans and once a part of a down payment for a home, that my ex. paid back to them years later ). In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore blame her and think that  I am right to blame her for my being a single parent for almost all of the years L was growing up, blame her for the stress building , as I had no money and very little financial or emotional support from her or others, and then blame her going crazy (insane) and then blame her for, subsequently, becoming an alcoholic and facing years of basic poverty .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think my ex-sister-in-law was wrong/in the wrong for being insensitive to my financial situation in not being able to afford to bring up expensive booze or fancy meals to the chalet and criticize me for it . In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore blame her and think that  I am right to blame her, blame her for the stress building , as I had no money and very little financial or emotional support from her or others, and then blame her going crazy (insane) and then blame her for, subsequently, becoming an alcoholic and facing years of basic poverty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize at the time of these incidences that it is ok to speak up in self-honesty, using common sense of course, and I can trust myself to use my voice in a way that is best for all. And therefore I would not have had to carry around the past as blame-carry that energy experience from the past into the present and it shapes the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refer to x family as evil. I realize they are not evil but it is the accepted money system and their actions that were evil. I remind myself  I too was a staunch believer in capitalism and accumulating wealth ( not that I ever did , lol) not so long ago . Furthermore, I remind myself we are indeed all one and equal here, on earth and equally guilty for the atrocities that are occurring and equally responsible to clean it up. I remind myself my daughter loves her relatives and they are all in their processes and usually treat her well.

I commit myself to the decision to live my life in complete here awareness with each breath and to  stop all such thoughts as backchat/internal conversations of blame/seeing myself as a helpless victim/polarity thinking of right and wrong that I have been unaware of , the moment it arises, until it is done/no longer exists within and as me, within my physical human body and my mind.

I commit myself to living in breath by breath awareness so as not let any mind chatter go unnoticed. In that, when it arises, I commit to breathe through the first thought and not follow the train of thoughts that ensue and/or to stop the thought when it arises, to say aloud ‘stop’ and focus on breath to remain in my body and aware of all that is going on within me. I commit to remind myself I did not /could not use my voice as I am able to today and speak self-honestly and could not move myself as the directive and responsible principal of life as I am starting to now so could not remove myself  from the situation/environment or figure out employment adequately. I remind myself my ex, his mom and sister-in-law were/are also in their own process of self and I cannot blame or change them but can stand as a living  example of what it is to live the principals of ‘best for all life‘.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to blame others/be directed by/influenced by the emotional energy of blame inside of myself.  I realize my ex, his mom and sister-in-law did the best they could at the time within their understanding of themselves/life/love and blaming does not in fact change the past but in fact harms me, L. , my son, my x and his family. I realize I am completely responsible for what goes on inside of me, what happens in my  life and that I am one and equal to my ex-mother-in-law, my ex-husband and my ex-sister-in-law as life here on earth. I also realize and remind myself there was lots of good times together and kindness shared.

I commit myself to speak up as life, one and equal, (using discernment and common sense) in self-trust and self-honesty, in the moment and face my fear of rejection/loss as what others will think of me as I only control/direct myself and do not need to judge/control others.  I commit myself to express myself in a way that is best for all life, as I become the living word and to do all I am able to, to implement an equal money system on earth, and to work toward this goal, breath by breath, until it is done.

Day 13: Facing Myself as ‘Mom': The Wicked Wealthy Ski Chalet

Today I am facing me as the Mom of L. with all the years of memories going up to her grandparents ski chalet. I went up there for 10 years before L. was born and then separated from her Dad when she was about 3 and a half years old but my children continued to go there and still to this day go a few times per year. It is in the country about 2.5 hours north of the large city we are from, very exclusive, private ski club. Costs a fortune to join and keep up your membership, let alone just pay to get there each weekend (gas), keep up the ski fashion, equipment, etc. La Tee Da. Would be amusing but people are starving to death as I write this blog, in fact 16,000 children will DIE today as a result of starvation!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and as me of being pregnant with L. at the chalet and going for a evening walk through the valley and farm lands and having the following thought pattern: I love it here, it is so beautiful and peaceful, walking is good to help keep me slim during pregnancy, M. (my ex-husband) wouldn’t like a fat wife, he may cheat and leave me, his mom is slim and pretty and his dad did not leave, well she is rich and did not have to work so could go to a fancy fitness club and tennis club , like my Mom, so no wonder she is skinny and she has no stress! I should have married someone who makes money/is more stable, x and I can’t keep up with this wealthy lifestyle, even the gas to get here is a lot, and we can’t afford the expensive liquor that his sister in law brings and I enjoy so much, like a liquid chocolate bar, I can’t resist indulging in it when I come up and then feel so guilty because I go to buy it/replace it/take my turn and it is $30!! WTF (Note: that was 23 years ago, I can’t afford it now either, at that price, but I believe it is $60 for the small size today, lol, I don’t drink alcohol now, regardless). Yeah, it’s nice there, no kidding, beautiful ski chalet (many are huge mansions) wealth/money dripping everywhere, but I could go for a walk and enjoy the trees/sunset/sky anywhere. There is so much pressure on us to be like them, we want to be but just don’t make that kind of money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and as me of christmas at the chalet when L. was a baby and thinking:  It is so perfect having christmas here, it is so easy with tons of money to make everything pretty, my mom-in-law wraps the presents the way I would want to because she has the time and money/no stress and can shop early!  She buys tons of awesome food/treats/fruits/gifts. I hate how my ex-sister-in-law would call in November, fucking November, asking, ‘what do the kids want for christmas, beautiful?’ so fucking condescending. I can’t keep up with christmas, I want to be generous and organized but it’s so expensive and we just don’t have the money, how dare my mother-in-law suggest/say christmas gifts should be spontaneous gestures and not what you need-as I would make a list of things my children needed (after x and I were separated ) and I would encourage my kids to do this as they got older, and let people know what they needed.  That is a stupid luxury of the rich to say you shouldn’t make a chore out of christmas, it should just be light/fun shopping and not have to ‘worry’ about getting someone something they need. She is so fucking spoiled and insensitive. I don’t understand the point of christmas anyway, it is just an excuse to indulge in consumerism, shop and focus on frivolous shit, for the rich (it is enjoyable to gather with people and share a gift/meal/game).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and as me of finding out my ex did not get any ownership of the chalet and it was all given to my ex-brother-in-law , this is substantial because it is a $800,000 piece of property. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a picture of the chalet and my ex’s family in my mind and to be directed by the emotions of anger, inferiority, hatred, jealousy, envy, shock, sadness within the following thought pattern: How fucking dare they give the chalet to my brother-in-law just because he could afford to carry it (pay the bills monthly) and my ex did physical labor up there at that chalet for 30 years with his Dad and we went up almost every weekend to enjoy skiing and do the family thing and assist them, and his brother did nothing and rarely came up, my ex did not do this so he would inherit it but trusted he would inherit half (the transfer of the property ownership was meant to assist the grandparents financially, not that they needed the help as they are very wealthy by the world’s standards) and it was said, ‘oh don’t worry its just paper L. will still be able to come her whole life and ski here and be welcome here, everything is the same (they also have a cottage that supposedly will be passed onto my ex but it is worth about half or less). I know that is bullshit, so much for their love, it is all about money, period. So the snotty sister-in-law and niece were now the owners and it did not take long to see their true colors. My ex-mother-in-law encouraged this idea of how important it is to let other relatives know who the owner is, so they did, and the niece complained and complained when L. was there that she was not doing enough housework/cleaning up/contributing to groceries (they had all been going up since they were babies and never had to do much of anything before).  I know  L. and she is the opposite of this, she is extra careful, even obsessive about doing the right thing and people pleasing so this niece was just wanting to exert her ‘power’ and show who is boss now and who is the ‘owner’. I am proud of L. to stick up for herself and tell the family she will not be going up anymore. The brother in law comes to the rescue to smooth over the evil behavior of these 3 women, so L. will continue going up to the chalet so as not to ‘hurt grandma’s feelings’. Interesting no one seemed to care about hurting L. With them, family=money=god, period. Note: L. has a plan, and her own car, to leave if ever/whenever she is verbally/emotionally abused again by any person at the chalet.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a thought about walking in the countryside when I was pregnant with L, at the ski chalet. In that, I commit myself to remind myself that these are thoughts/feelings/emotions-anger, jealousy,regret, love, warmth, envy, etc./memories that are programmed into me and I do not have to follow/engage in one thought which leads to another and another and then I am lost and indeed controlled by my mind. Instead, I stop and breathe, and bring myself out of my mind of illusion and back to the physical reality and remain aware of my body and surroundings, as what is life, here. I commit myself to not live as energy (the negative energy that is created from the experience of the past as in memories/pictures in my mind/opinions/judgements of myself or others, then neutral and then positive energy as I justify how I am better than them in spitefulness)  but realize/understand that we are all one and equal as substance manifest here on earth and only by remaining here in awareness with breath, can I support and assist myself (and eventually others) to birth myself as life in the physical. I remind myself to be patient and gentle and stable in/within my process of walking these points.

I commit myself to stop myself and face myself in self-honestly, whenever I have thoughts arise about christmas at the chalet when L. was young and the years when I was no longer there with her, but she went with her Dad. I commit myself to immediately bring myself out of my head and back down to earth, with breath, and remain aware of my physicality and where I am for real and not get lost in an illusion of thoughts leading to other thought bringing up emotions which can harm me, as it is a waste of my time and, in fact does nothing to change the past experience. I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to exist as this energy of pictures/emotions/memories and remind myself that this is not life but a program which exist within and as me (my mind and my human physical body) and remind myself that these thoughts turn into energy and this energy depletes/uses/eats away at my flesh until I am existent no longer. I commit to continue facing myself, remain here with my human physical body and slow down my thinking with breath to create stability, calmness, strength as and within myself until I fully see/realize/understand what I have allowed myself to become and what /who I want to become, for all that is here on earth, and in existence in it’s totality, so all may live a beautiful life, not just some lucky/wealthy ones, in equality,  through the implementation of an Equal Money System.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever a memory arises, within and as me, of the evil behavior of my ex-in-laws at the chalet toward L. I remind myself that L. and I have spoken at length about this and she is clear she does not want to treated that way, abused, and will leave if it occurs again and that she also has a home close by now that she can go to (and my son if necessary) and a car so they do not have to spend the night there any longer. I commit myself to remind myself that I do not have to act as L’s protector/fear for her as she is an adult now and capable and although she sometimes minimizes the situation to herself, she does realize how money influences her extended family but it is ‘sad’ for her and she doesn’t want to think about it all the time.  In that I commit to continue to show/expose the truth about family love and how it is a lie and that it is actually about money/money which is the love object, which has been made a god here on earth, as it has all the power to say who has abundance and who has desolation, who is abused and who is exempt from abuse, who has ownership of property and who can be discarded or/and tossed out. I commit myself  to stop all inner conversation/backchat/anger-emotion/pictures/memories about the chalet and this incident (it was a group of incidents actually, occurred many times) the moment they arise and remain in breath awareness as what is best for all life and continue on with the task at hand, as a group of us work online, one breath at the time, toward an Equal Money System here on earth, so all may have a dignified life, human/plant/animal!

Day 12: Me as Mom: Summer Camp for the Rich

Today I am continuing to walk the point of me as the personality of Mom, with my daughter, whom I refer to as L., and the memories/thoughts/thought patterns/emotions/feelings around summer experiences when she was growing up.

Summer Camp

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture/memory of my cousin and her daughter at the summer camp the two girls attended, arise in my mind, when I think of summer camp and the following thought pattern, ‘they are better than/superior to L. and I in that they are skinnier and  have way more money, my cousin pays for her daughter’s camp herself, this camp is ridiculously expensive and L. would never go here if my ex’s family did not pay for it, they are happier than us and we fake it, my cousin’s daughter will succeed and be happy in life and L. and I won’t. I am a drunk and have to fake who I am and they do not have to fake who they are as they are just real, I get to drink and go out and party freely when L. is at camp, what a loser I am, my cousin thinks I am a loser, her daughter doesn’t but she will when she gets older, my cousins daughter will have more fun and be more popular at camp, I hate my cousin and her daughter, I wish I could protect L. from my cousin and her daughter and all rich, snobby people so she is not hurt by them, maybe L. will ‘make it’ and become one of them so not get hurt, my cousin thinks she and her daughter are superior to me and my daughter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and of me of seeing my ex-mother-in-law on a visitor’s day at L.’s summer camp. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/have the following thought pattern exist within and as me, ‘I hate that I cannot afford to pay for L’s camp. Why does she have to go here anyway? I could afford a city camp, possibly free but then it is not nearly as nice/beautiful country surroundings, I went to this camp as a child and basically loved it. Except for the Christian brainwashing it was an awesome 6 year experience for me, my parents had money and sent 4 of their children to this camp, I am such failure and loser, I should have married a doctor like my Dad was, my ex-mother-in-law is disgusted that we (myself and my ex-husband/her son)  cannot afford to pay for L’s camp, so then why do they not let me send her somewhere I can afford, some of the city camps are free! Because it would be shit, they are snobs and think ‘we’re not sending our grandkids to some crap inner city camp when we can afford to send them to an exclusive Muskoka camp, our grandkids deserve the best’  Yeah, no shit, oh well, I think they deserve the crap inner city camp, I fucking hate my ex-laws and the snobby bother and his wife. I have no control, they have money so control much of L’s life. I hate that and hate them for being so insensitive to me and my feelings and financial situation. Fuck, money makes things move, it’s so easy for them, mostly my ex-mom-in-law to just write a cheque and instantly L’s summer (or half of it) is controlled by her. I have to plan/investigate/feel guilt and shame and manipulate and borrow and work and still don’t have enough for that fucking camp.

I commit myself to stop and breathe each time I think this exercise is too hard/painful/depressing and I find an excuse to put it off / fall into resistance. I commit to stop and breathe each time I think I am too old, there is too much shit, as in accumulated memories, as and within me to get through this process and think that my blogs are not cool like some other people ‘s in process are, they are drudgery and boring so the others in this process, will not like me/accept me. So I stop and I breathe, I remind myself there are many, many people who will walk their process of birthing themselves as life in the physical, who are in their 40’s and 50’s and older, who will require support and assistance and if I give up, I am giving up on them as well, as we are one and equal. I remind myself it is a process and to be patient and kind with myself.

Thus, I commit, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self corrective application to assist and support me to be aware of each breath, here, out of my mind and therefore aware of each thought that arises and to stop all such- thoughts/memories/pictures in my mind/inner conversation/backchat/emotions/feelings/judgments of me or others/opinions of situations and people- the moment they arise and I bring myself back to the physical, until it is done/I am clear/it no longer exists within and as me.  This, so I may stand and walk in this world as life and not a slave to the mind as energy, an energy machine/robot that, unaware, consumes ( the consumer) energy, as it eats away at my human physical body (aging) and is eating away the physical earth (deforestation/fracking/pollution/depleting and polluting the oceans). This eating away for the ‘reward’ of me as negative/neutral/positive energy experience which I relate to as experiences in ‘my life’ ,the story of Sandy born xx died xx.

I commit myself,  through writing, self-forgiveness, and self corrective application to assist and support me to stop and breathe whenever thoughts arise within and as me in the form of pictures/memories/inner conversation/backchat/emotions/feelings/judgements/opinions of my ex-in-laws, the camp itself, visitor days.  In this, I commit to myself  to remind myself it does not support anyone and is a waste of my time to stay with the thoughts but to bring myself back to the physical, out of my mind of illusion, so as not to engage in the  negative energy that is created and thus not have that energy change to neutral and then positive energy, as I manipulate myself with more thoughts that justify/validate my accepted personality to make myself ‘feel better’ as to why I am right and they are wrong, as in this I am merely participating in the mind consciousness system design of polarities; better than/less than, wrong/right, good/bad, rich/poor as I become indignant and then pacified in my justifications, as it only harms myself, my physicality and programs myself/my physical even further to time loop (have to face this point of jealousy/anger again and again) infinitly and remain as a slave to my mind consciousness systems (unconscious/subconscious/conscious mind) going round and round and not stand stable as life, here, with what is real.

In that, I commit myself to the Desteni I Process, a process of birthing ones self as life in/from the physical, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self corrective application, whereby I walk through my mind so that I am, breath by breath, aware of all thoughts in/within my unconscious/subconscious/conscious mind (and therefore in my human physical body) and no longer sleep walking my way through this life, so I may become life itself, for real,  and eventually assist and support others in this process so all may live in/within ‘best for all’ principals on earth, no longer just surviving according to self-interest but with the interest of all as equal.

In this, I commit to myself to remind myself that remaining here with breath in awareness is the solution as what is best for all life, my ex-in-laws as one and equal to myself, so I no longer continue adding to the chaos of the world, as it exist in and as spite and blame but take full responsibility of/as me as life here on earth, one and equal to all that exist.

Day 11: Personalities: ‘Mom’ as the Possession of Worry

I am continuing facing my personality as ‘Mom’, first focusing on my daughter, who I am referring to as L. Today I am looking at my love for her and how it is one and equal to fear, coming out as the emotion of worry, in a mess of thoughts over the years. Where to start?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start a relationship, of love as fear, with my daughter as early as in the womb. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about having a cigarette a day, gaining to much weight, consuming enough/the proper nutrition for the babies development, that I had the wrong partner/father figure for the baby, worry we won’t have enough money for the baby AND for us to have an extravagant lifestyle like our rich friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry after she was born about ‘crib death’ and that she would die during the night, fear she will be abducted, sexually abused by a man I know or don’t know, think she is too sweet and be taken advantage of by others, be unpopular in school, be popular and snobby, get fat and therefore unhappy, worry she would choke, worry that other family members see me as an ineffectual disaplinarian and can’t ‘control’ her.

In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that this was the ultimate trap and enslavement as a parent and started a lifelong pattern of fear of L. dying whenever she was/is not with me, when the truth of it is, she is going to die, it is just a matter of when, unless she births herself as life in the physical.

In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/be directed by fear/worry that L. will die in a car accident, plane crash, get cancer and die, marry the wrong guy, be a people pleaser, go crazy/insane, be depressed, be addicted to excitement, not do process/desteni i process,  become an alcoholic, be lonely, be co-dependent, get divorced and have to raise children on her own, be poor, be rich and protective of her money, not support an equal money system, have a husband who will not support an equal money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand all these thoughts are because I love her=I fear for her survival in separation of myself, I do not think life is valuable without her around/to enjoy her companionship, so I associate her with pain and fear and lack of control as I know we all die anyway and the doomsday will come one way or another. Instead of thinking about/seeing/regarding L. as life, as one and equal to myself, and assisting her in each moment to express herself unconditionally.

In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that my ‘worry’ for L. exists from a starting point of self-interest so to give me a reason to exists and a role/identity to exist as. Also, that I am projecting my own past onto my daughter, as many of my fears are experiences I have gone through in my own life, thereby fear passing on ‘the sins of the father/mother’. As well, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, from the starting point of fear, suggest/influence her to  scrap book/self-alone time so not go crazy in her own mind or get a degree so you can be independent within the world system and not have rely on a man to provide financially for you.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt in thinking I made my daughter into a organic robot to survive in the world systems and not as life here with breath by : directing L. to be pretty, slim, to attract a mate for survival, to ‘get along’ with others so as not cause conflict/be popular, all to have money to survive in the world systems and allowing for little real self-expression as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt in thinking my alcoholism has made her into a somewhat obsessive/overly organized/overly responsible/worrier/people pleaser young woman who is in the chains of the world systems already. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotion of worry thinking , ‘Oh god, how will she manage when she is working as a full time teacher and has a couple of kids?’ or (she has moved to northern ontario) ‘OMG how will L. drive to work all those winter mornings, she could have an accident in a snow storm and be killed!’ or ‘ How will she manage if she has kids and gets divorced, she shouldn’t have kids!’

I commit myself through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop all thoughts/emotions the moment they arise, from the starting point of fear, disguised as love for L., of when L. was in the womb, when she was a baby and all the years she was growing up, until this moment, and to have these memories exist within and as me as pictures in my mind/emotions/feelings/thoughts.

I commit myself through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop all thoughts as memories the moment they arise of when L. was growing up, as in the story line of me the mom and L. the daughter, with a beginning and an end, instead of L. and myself as life here in each moment of each breath. In that I commit to break the cycle as the chains of enslavement that is the mind of/as negative/neutral/and positive energy addiction, that arise with these memories, the cycle of infinity within and as holding these memories in and as my physical body, consuming my physicality as in burning the energy they require/produce when they are brought up by the mind. In that I commit to stand as a living example for and as one and equal to L.

I commit myself to put an end to the cycle of fearing L. ‘s death whenever she is not with me as it is useless and a waste of my time, in that I commit to remind myself that this is not love but fear in disguise as worry/anxiety/need to control/neediness as in co-dependency and self-interest and to bring myself, out of my mind, and back down to earth with breath awareness in each moment and get on with the task at hand in the physical reality.

I commit myself to stop myself, when I am directed by fear, in thinking that L. and P. (her fiance) will not do process and therefore not have the opportunity to birth themselves as life here, in the physical as I realize each is in their own process of self realization and I do not control when someone is ready to let go of their mind. In that I commit myself to remind myself what I can do practically, is walk my process and be an example and I remind myself it is partly self-interest that I worry about them, as I enjoy their company but they are ‘young’ and will do process when they are ready.

I commit myself to remind myself to stop existing as fear and using my daughter as an excuse to get lost in my mind because I ‘love’ her and to stand unconditionally, as life here, with breath. In that I commit myself to stop all connection/association of L. to fear/fear of loss/fear of death and focus on what is real supporting her, sharing, enjoying each others company, expressing, being real when we are together.

I commit myself,  through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application, to stop all movement as it arise within me of anxiety/fear of past/present/future events, so the construct of time, stop time existing within and as me and bring everything here in this moment within my physicality with breath. In that I commit to stop existing from a starting point as self-interest, individuality, personality and separation with regards to L. and start living as one and equal as beings together on this planet.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application, to stop all thoughts/emotions/conversations with/about L. in which I treat her just as an organic robot, trying to get through life, instead of her potential to become the living word/life/real/a free expression of substance and support her in this until it is done.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that guilt about the past is useless and assists and supports no one but causes damage to my physicality thereby I commit myself to stop myself when the emotion of guilt arises within and as me concerning the past and how it may have effected/shaped by daughter’s personality/life path. I remind myself we have a very enjoyable relationship, communicate freely and most of her beingness is  dependable/consistent/capable/trust worthy/self-sufficient and very little that is damaging/harmful to her or others.