Day 14: Taking Responsibility for Blame and Suppression 1

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Today I am walking the point of facing, hence taking responsibility for, the blame I have placed on others, firstly in the blog I did yesterday, about the ski chalet my children went up to as they were growing up. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or be aware of the backchat/internal conversation,  thoughts that pop up in my mind,  go unnoticed by me as I go about my day.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been suppressing reactions of memories and people that validate/justify my blame.

Firstly, about this memory:

Walking in the beautiful valley at the ski chalet when pregnant with L. and thoughts about my ex-husband and his family.

Suppression of reaction of memory & people:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have/hold the following thought pattern, as  suppression of reactions concerning the above memory of my ex-husband, within and as me:  fucking X, asshole, he left me anyway and I stayed skinny and beautiful like his stupid spoiled mother, he dumped me , cause he couldn’t handle a little normalcy, having kids, too boring, he couldn’t fucking do the right thing, he destroyed our beautiful little family, he had to go out whoring around first, gave me a fucking social disease, went to prostitutes, had affairs and then humiliated me in front of family and friends and dumped me for his ex-wife and it did not even last. fuck I hate that fucking asshole. he is still an asshole. I can’t believe I chose him as a life mate. what the fuck was I thinking? and as a father to my children. oh god, then before he left he lost all our money on the stock market so I was left penniless! What a dick , he left us, our beautiful children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have/hold the following thought pattern, as suppression of reactions of the above memory, concerning my ex mother-in-law, within and as me:  I hate that she has all that fucking money in front of my face and I do not have any (or very little). She doesn’t deserve it any more than I do. she just married the fucking right guy and I didn’t , I shouldn’t have married her son. All the plentiful/bounty in the kitchen, such easy just jump in her mercedes and buy it  while the majority of the world is in human chains  . How stupid and spoiled she is to not realize what pressure and stress it puts on us to come up to her precious chalet castle. I hate this fucking situation. We can’t afford to contribute groceries the way they all like to eat plus gas plus food plus all the alcohol plus we have the kids.  X  kept losing jobs, absolutely no stability, he bought into your stupid dream and I bought into his but it is not /did not work for us. They have so much money and its in our face and we have none. We hoped and dreamed but it did not work out and she is still rich , every day since then she never even worries about paying one fucking bill. She doesn’t even know what that is like. She repeats these stupid stories of their early ‘hardship’ oh yeah, right and I listened respectfully for fucking years, 13 years! We spent at least half of the weekends with them and those people with money always just give you a little/just enough so they get your company and the promise of inheritance-if it were me /my kids I’d give them something substantial/real help like buy a house outright and say ‘there that is your inheritance’-that would have really helped in a practical way. Then when we separated she treated me like crap , like she did not know me on one occasion, many months later(a year or two later?) apologizes like oh its all better now. I just went fucking insane and then became a drunk while you take them every fucking weekend for skiing/snowboarding and fun time, I work/shop/cloth/feed/do laundry/love/care all week and then when there is some down time you fucking whisk (X did ) them away . why can /could you do that ? because you had/have money . period. I was so fucked up I needed the mental and physical break and they knew that and did not care about me one bit. what a fucking lie their ‘love’ was. I nearly died and that is no exaggeration. What happened to all the ‘call me mom, I love you dear’ over and over bullshit, I mean zero when her son dumped me. fuck you bitch. spoiled ignorant but oh such a good bridge player -that takes alot of intelligence you know-and tennis player and has big tits so her husband didn’t dump her. She’s just a spoiled rich lady, she has no idea what I went through or what I go through now

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have/hold the following thought pattern,  as suppression of reactions of the above memory, concerning my ex sister-in-law, within and as me: oh god, the precious liquid gold (bailey’s irish cream), absolutely despised being in that situation weekend after weekend, we could never afford to replace the damn booze. fucking stupid, ridiculous pressure to keep up , it was fucking impossibe, oh its ok we don’t mind and then she said some snotty thing abut us not contributing, fuck you I don’t care about you or your expensive booze, who the fuck cares ? god it was so humiliating. I blame myself for not resisting the deliciousness of it, then not forcing myself to spend the money to buy it more often/appropriately/ take my turn, we definatly could not afford it but I did drink it so …crappy situation all around. horrible predicament and she is to insensitive to realize our financial position or care. I would have stayed home but X insisted we go, fucking sucked all ’round.

they did wrong to me, and therefore I am right to blame:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think X was wrong/in the wrong for being unfaithful, not holding a steady job/bring in steady income, losing our money on the stock market, being verbally abusive, and breaking up our family unit. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore blame him and think that I am right to blame him for my being a single parent for almost all of the years L was growing up, blame him for the stress building , as I had no money and very little financial or emotional support from him or others, and then blame him for going crazy (insane) and then, subsequently, blame him for becoming an alcoholic and facing years of basic poverty .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think my ex-mother-in-law was wrong/in the wrong for being insensitive to her wealth being in my face all those years, bringing up a spoiled ‘entitled’ son, then giving the chalet to the brother (so not to my ex and them to my children) and treating me poorly when my marriage ended and not assisting me financially, in a substantial way that would have practically had a huge impact on my and L. and my son. (she is /was very wealthy/when I asked they have given me small loans and once a part of a down payment for a home, that my ex. paid back to them years later ). In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore blame her and think that  I am right to blame her for my being a single parent for almost all of the years L was growing up, blame her for the stress building , as I had no money and very little financial or emotional support from her or others, and then blame her going crazy (insane) and then blame her for, subsequently, becoming an alcoholic and facing years of basic poverty .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think my ex-sister-in-law was wrong/in the wrong for being insensitive to my financial situation in not being able to afford to bring up expensive booze or fancy meals to the chalet and criticize me for it . In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore blame her and think that  I am right to blame her, blame her for the stress building , as I had no money and very little financial or emotional support from her or others, and then blame her going crazy (insane) and then blame her for, subsequently, becoming an alcoholic and facing years of basic poverty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize at the time of these incidences that it is ok to speak up in self-honesty, using common sense of course, and I can trust myself to use my voice in a way that is best for all. And therefore I would not have had to carry around the past as blame-carry that energy experience from the past into the present and it shapes the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refer to x family as evil. I realize they are not evil but it is the accepted money system and their actions that were evil. I remind myself  I too was a staunch believer in capitalism and accumulating wealth ( not that I ever did , lol) not so long ago . Furthermore, I remind myself we are indeed all one and equal here, on earth and equally guilty for the atrocities that are occurring and equally responsible to clean it up. I remind myself my daughter loves her relatives and they are all in their processes and usually treat her well.

I commit myself to the decision to live my life in complete here awareness with each breath and to  stop all such thoughts as backchat/internal conversations of blame/seeing myself as a helpless victim/polarity thinking of right and wrong that I have been unaware of , the moment it arises, until it is done/no longer exists within and as me, within my physical human body and my mind.

I commit myself to living in breath by breath awareness so as not let any mind chatter go unnoticed. In that, when it arises, I commit to breathe through the first thought and not follow the train of thoughts that ensue and/or to stop the thought when it arises, to say aloud ‘stop’ and focus on breath to remain in my body and aware of all that is going on within me. I commit to remind myself I did not /could not use my voice as I am able to today and speak self-honestly and could not move myself as the directive and responsible principal of life as I am starting to now so could not remove myself  from the situation/environment or figure out employment adequately. I remind myself my ex, his mom and sister-in-law were/are also in their own process of self and I cannot blame or change them but can stand as a living  example of what it is to live the principals of ‘best for all life‘.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to blame others/be directed by/influenced by the emotional energy of blame inside of myself.  I realize my ex, his mom and sister-in-law did the best they could at the time within their understanding of themselves/life/love and blaming does not in fact change the past but in fact harms me, L. , my son, my x and his family. I realize I am completely responsible for what goes on inside of me, what happens in my  life and that I am one and equal to my ex-mother-in-law, my ex-husband and my ex-sister-in-law as life here on earth. I also realize and remind myself there was lots of good times together and kindness shared.

I commit myself to speak up as life, one and equal, (using discernment and common sense) in self-trust and self-honesty, in the moment and face my fear of rejection/loss as what others will think of me as I only control/direct myself and do not need to judge/control others.  I commit myself to express myself in a way that is best for all life, as I become the living word and to do all I am able to, to implement an equal money system on earth, and to work toward this goal, breath by breath, until it is done.

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