Monthly Archives: July 2012

Day 26: The Worrier: Health: Commitment Statements

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I commit myself to, moment by moment, self awareness and to stop and breathe each time I realize I have left that awareness and have become instead the very manifestation of worry, as I now see , realize /understand it is a waste of my time, does not change the facts/physical reality but just creates anxiety/stress, which harms my very physicality.

I commit myself to stop and inhale deeply and on the out breath, take the energies and move them through my body into my toes and return them to the earth/origin/source stating,  ‘Energies, no more! I return you to the earth, to origin, to source!  I decide in this moment to be stable with me as breath‘  then I focus on the task at hand and carry on with my day, my head out the clouds/mind of illusion and back down to earth/reality. I remind myself to be gentle with myself as this -breath awareness -is new to me and I remind myself to be patient and carry on.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a process of walking a daily self-corrective application, 

stop all participation in thoughts/following thoughts about supposed lack of sleep, smoking, weight gain, age, obsessing about breast cancer when I bathe, getting up in the morning, obsessing about little bumps on my body, & my mom and dad’s health problems, as I now see/realize/understand that following these thoughts brings up negative emotions ( fear/anxiety/stress) causing friction/conflict within my body to /towards substance to consume substance and tranform it into energy and unless I release these anxieties/fears (as in face them/examine them/and then forgive them) they will be stored in my very muscle tissue, as energy, and build up until the body can contain them no longer and manifest into an illness (such as cancer). In that, I now realize I am responsible for my health and not helpless. I stop and breathe and bring myself back to what is real and requires my attention, before me, my day, my tasks, I focus and carry on, using breath awareness in each moment.

I commit myself to stopping all participation with thoughts, in the form of ‘backchat’/inner chatter, and thus, reactions in the form of  negative emotions, when I notice/see a change in my physicality in the form of aging (lines, sagging skin, grey hair, etc.) or redness or a bump on my skin. In that, I commit myself to further self-examination, so to become aware of that initial FIRST thought–the one pixel in the ‘film’ of my life, that starts the whole character ‘I worried about my health’ character-running. Instead, I assist and support myself with breath to remain here, as I now see/realize/understand that following the line of thinking/reacting to it, will only compromise me and in this make it impossible for me to effectively direct myself . Thus, I breathe and take responsibility to remain here, as the solution, and carry on with the task at hand, out of my mind of illusion and back down to earth, reality. I remind myself to be patient and grateful for I have all I need. I use common sense to assess whether I need to see a doctor for the situation.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a process of walking a daily self-corrective application,

re-define disease/illness/aging/hereditary as ‘the opportunity to bring myself back to my awareness, here, in the physical, as who I am as substance, one and equal to all in existence’, and no more through limitation/helplessness/victim approach to life but as opportunity to transcend the mind/process of allowing energy to consume the flesh , I declare, ‘no more, I am the directive principal of me in this moment’. I commit to re-define health as ‘my natural state of being here with breath awareness’ .  I remind myself to be grateful for what we have and continue working /moving in a way that is best for all life and share this with others, so all may have all they need, in equality, through the implementation of an Equal money System here on earth.

Day 25: The Worrier: Health: Changing The Very Nature of Me

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the worrier.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, REAL- EYES and understand that, as the worrier, I am not here, with breath awareness, when I am lost in my mind of thoughts/feeling/emotions obsessing about my health in regards to: supposed lack of sleep, smoking, weight gain, age, obsessing about breast cancer when I bathe, getting up in the morning, obsessing about little bumps on my body,
my mom and dad’s health problems.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to , as the worrier, think, ‘I can‘t get enough sleep, it’s so frustrating, first, letting go of my sleeping medication I used for years, which is awesome but at the same time these horrid sweats started so now I wake up continuously the whole fucking night. I can’t cope, I need sleep , I need to nap and then there isn’t enough time to get through all my Desteni participation and course and the rest of my family/job responsibilities. It’s so fucking frustrating, nothing is working. The doctor says be patient, yeah? You try waking up feeling like your burning up/sweating 20 times a night and be patient. It ‘s been going on for a year now, fuck, how much longer? I just hate it . I Hate it!’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to , as the worrier, think, ‘I’m getting old and I still smoke. Shit, I’ve been smoking forever, but I love my cigarettes! I seems to be adding on cigarettes as little rewards throughout my day, I have to remember to count my cigarettes, keep track, shit how many I  have smoked today? They are too expensive, I can’t afford to smoke more anyway. I said I would quit when I was 50, oh well, I don’t drink alcohol, I need a treat, I’m not very addicted, maybe a bit. I wonder if the chemicals in the cigarettes will harm me?  When I don’t smoke for several hours in the day I start coughing, consequence, I wonder if I can transcend the consequence of smoking? I hate feeling helpless over my body! I am the directive principal of my life, my thoughts,my body, my being. I think I am anyway…I hope I am… I need to buy some smokes’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘I am gaining weight. I never had this problem before. I used to drink a lot (alcohol) and smoke a lot so I didn’t want to eat so much. Shit, can’t do that anymore. I have to eat more healthy, low fat, more fiber, I crave sugar, want a chocolate bar, I need and deserve my treats but I’m getting fat! I eat too much being married again, My husband wants me to eat same as him but then doesn’t want me to get fat, wtf, not possible. I never used to eat much meat and cheese and all the chips and chocolate he buys. If it is here I eat it! I have to self-control, discipline, I need more discipline, just say ‘no’. I can’t wear a bikini anymore, too much fat on my stomach, my husband liked it when I wore a bikini, he was proud of me that I was in my forties and still skinny, I wonder if he’ll have an affair?…’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘OMG, I’m getting old. I’m  51 years old and there is no stopping it. I remember my Dad saying, before he died, he felt the same inside as when he was a teenager. Me too, I feel the same but we are prisoners of the body, no control, what a stupid, cruel fate. I don’t want to vilify aging and  idolize youth but when I go visit my Mom in her retirement living complex, aging is pretty scarey, I can’t wait to get out of there, then I feel crappy ’cause many of the residents are cool people, including my Mom. It’s just horrid how my Mom is decaying and what she is going through, just to ‘hang on’ one more day ON THE ROAD TO DEATH! WTF IS THE POINT OF THAT? I don’t get it, people all going to the gym, reading more and more articles that have varying opinions about health/longevity (totally confusing), taking expensive vitamins, and on and on BUT not questioning why we are like this, what is going on, why do we decay, what is the point of birth and death, the supposed beautiful circle of life we are suppose to be so grateful for? When I see my Mom I am not grateful, I am mad, it pisses me off. Thank god for the common sense approach of Desteni. I wish my Mom would do process but she thinks it is silly and just too much, she is not interested to consider the Desteni approach to birthing herself as life in the physical. It makes me sad and feel helpless to assist her in any real way but I can give her my time, kindness and love, as she always gave/gives me.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think when I am bathing, ‘I hope I don’t get breast cancer. Shit there is so much breast cancer awareness everywhere; the pink ribbons for garage sales, in stores, in the media, sports events, etc. , I can’t even think ‘breast’ and I automatically think-connect- cancer, wtf! They say one in three women will get breast cancer, holly crap, at least it’s not in my family history…but still they say don’t assume you won’t get it. I don’t like it when they ask for money for breast cancer research. I know much of the raised money goes to expensive salaries for the doctors and hospital boards so I don’t give to them. I wonder, if I do a breast self-exam tonight, will I feel a lump? Maybe I’ll skip it and just go to bed. When I wash under my arms every night, I am always paranoid, is that a lump, let me compare the other armpit , yeah, it feels different, I think it feels different, let me press harder/slower/in circles, maybe I am getting my period, oh no, I don’t get a period anymore, the doctor says I shouldn’t take estrogen (hormone to stop night sweats for menopause) because it will increase my risk for breast cancer, should I risk it? Damn, then I’ll be searching for changes in my breasts every night in fear, living in even more fear! Maybe I shouldn’t…but I can’t sleep…maybe I should, the ‘research is not conclusive‘  some doctors say, ‘the research is conclusive’ other doctors say. Well shit , I can guess just as easy as you can, 50/50.  My life, my health on the roulette wheel, red or black. I resent that!  I am the directive principal of my human physical body! But not perfected yet so I’ll do the exams. Thank god for DIP, as I now stop my thoughts and bring myself back to the physical (this is expanded in the commitment statements to follow). Still, I could get breast cancer…is that a change?  No,  if it’s cancer, it’s feel like a hard small pea…it doesn’t look different either, does it? Let me compare…’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘I have to get up when I wake up and not lie in bed thinking, starting the machine of the mind (conscious mind), ’cause I am noticing more and more each day, I have been existing within my life in the continual/constant act of thinking , unaware of it!  No wonder much of my life is such a fuck up. But I have always been like this, always not wanting to get up, it’s my nature, I lie in bed for awhile, just me and my thoughts, and think ‘I don’t want to get up, rather go back to sleep’, very productive, lol. So tomorrow, just breathe and rise, breathe and rise, no hesitation, When the alarm goes off, deep breath in and GET UP. No excuse, there is nothing you need to think, self-trust!  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and as me of being in awe of a girlfriend who could jump out of bed immediately after the alarm went off. I was shocked and impressed. How could she do that? I could never do that. That’s just the ‘way she is made/born’ I am not like that. It is natural for her whereas, it is natural for me to take my time, go slow…be lazy and contemplative instead of action/task oriented and productive. No wonder she ‘succeeded’  in life and I have floundered.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘ Is this a cyst? This wasn’t here before, I don’t think it is a cyst. Maybe it’s the start of a tumor. How can you tell, they say cysts can turn into to cancerous tumors, I should go to the doctor and have them look at it, maybe I should get it removed. What is this reddening on my skin? Is this skin cancer? I havn’t had a physical in a long time, I should make a list of questions for the doctor, oh I made a list, I can’t find my list, shit. I should go to the walk-in clinic or better, I should go to the emergency so they can put my mind as ease, so I’ll know I’m not dying. Wow, I give them a lot of power, no wonder doctors have a god complex, lol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘I wonder if I’ll get heart disease, both my parents have had a form of heart disease so I’m worried about it, it’s in the family genes, hereditary, and diabetes, I shouldn’t eat so much sugar, shit I love sweets, life is a drag without treats, too many rules, I hate that, my grandfather had to have his legs amputated and now my poor mom’s legs are getting more and more fucked up, she almost had to have her toe amputated recently (an infection that would not heal)
because of the diabetes. It’s all so horrid, I know it is self-interest partly that I worry/obsess because when I look at my mom, I fear to suffer the same fate, and the memory of my poor Dad, he really suffered horribly at the end of his life. But I also know I love and respect them and although I cannot assist them here, in this life, I can continue my process, DIP, for myself  AS/FOR ALL, including my lovely parents.
To Be Continued
Commitment Statements : Day 26

Day 24: The Worrier: Thoughts about my children’s futures

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I have become the worrier/one and equal to the manifestation of worry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘OMG, how will my son be able to afford to live on his own one day, afford rent and eventually own a home? Prices have skyrocketed!  How will he afford to get married and have children one day? He’s not going back to school in September, he better go, like he said, in January. He can’t build a decent life on $10/hour (minimum wage) working in a bar, or I don’t care if he does but he can’t expect to have a family and a home unless he finishes university (or some practical course) and builds a career. He’s not very motivated. I hope he doesn’t get jealous of his sister, that’s horrible to live with, comparing and coming up short and the whole damnly knows it and whispers behind your back. God, I hope he doesn’t have to go through what I’ve gone through struggling with not enough money, debt. He already has a student loan to pay back, why don’t his father and grandparents help him with that?……’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘I sure hope my daughter’s life turns out the way she wants. Maybe her boyfriend won’t marry her, she’d be devastated, it nearly killed me when her dad left, god, I hope she doesn’t end up being a single mom like I was, at least she would probably have more money than I had, so it wouldn’t be so devastating and she’s not a drinker. WTF, I have her married and divorced? That’s ridiculous! I hope she doesn’t become too financially successful so her brother doesn’t feel less than by comparison, or change because of having money and become snotty and bitchy like her dad’s relatives, all high and fucking mighty…….’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, connect these thoughts to pictures in my mind of my children succeeding and/or failing/struggling with money , to memories of my past  which brings up pictures in my mind of my past, and then, in turn, to let these memories and fantasies of my children’s futures, bring up emotions of fear/worry/regret/sadness/guilt and to let these emotions control me/control my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier think, ‘I wish my kids would just say f*** you to the current world money system, run away and and live off the land, instead the inevitability of becoming a middle class slave, chained for life to obligation and debt -a slave for the elite. Alternatively, if they are lucky enough to become wealthy, I hope to god they are not greedy, with an insatiable need for more more more positive energy experiences, at the expense of the many (suffering).

I commit myself to, moment by moment, self awareness and to stop and breathe each time I realize I have left that awareness and have become instead the very manifestation of worry, as I now see , realize /understand it is a waste of my time, does not change the facts/physical reality but just creates anxiety/stress, which harms my very physicality.

I commit myself to stop and inhale deeply and on the out breath, take the energies and move them through my body into my toes and return them to the earth/origin/source stating,  ‘Energies, no more! I return you to the earth, to origin, to source!  I decide in this moment to be stable with me as breath‘  then I focus on the task at hand and carry on with my day, my head out the clouds/mind of illusion and back down to earth/reality. I remind myself to be gentle with myself as this -breath awareness -is new to me and I remind myself to be patient and carry on.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a process of walking a daily self-corrective application,

stop all participation in thoughts/following thoughts about money and my son’s future. I am not a picture, nor is my son. I now see/realize/understand it is useless and a waste of my time to indulge in fantasies that cause an energetic reaction in my human physical body that harm me, he is capable of taking care of himself and I don’t have to play/engage in the role of ‘mom the protector‘ but can practically offer him assistance and support when/if he asks. I do not accept and allow myself to put my son in a box and label him/limit him in my mind and give him an assigned role, as in ‘you are the ___one’ and expect him to remain in that box, for me as it is what I used to /comfortable with .  I stop myself and breathe and bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical and focus on the task at hand. I remind myself to be grateful for what we have and continue working /moving in a way that is best for all life and share this with him, so all may have all they need, in equality, through the implementation of an Equal money System here on earth.

I commit myself through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to stopping myself from participating in thoughts about my daughter’s future, specifically around money, as I now see/realize/understand my mind is controlling me in bringing up extremes (her future wealth/her future poverty)  to obsess about. In that, I can also see I am obviously projecting my fear of my past experience on her,  thoughts/reactions of fear of divorce  and then connecting divorce to poverty and struggle. Just because I got divorced obviously does not mean she will. I no longer accept and allow myself to put my daughter in a box and label her/limit her in my mind and give her an assigned role, as in ‘you are the ___one’ and expect her to remain in that box, for me as it is what I used to /comfortable with . I stop and breathe and bring myself back to what is real and requires my attention, before me, my day, my tasks, I focus and carry on, using breath awareness in each moment.

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever a picture arises in my mind to engage me, take me away from reality, of my children’s supposed futures of success or failure, ideas/labels/roles I have chained/assigned to them, memories of my own life with regard to financial struggle and emotional struggle and thereby stopping the onslaught of ensuing emotions which harm/eat away at my very physicality, as I now see realize/understand reacting to memories and pictures as fantasies/delusion in the mind, will only continue the generational disease of the ‘sins of the father’ being passed onto my children and compromise me and in this make it impossible for me to effectively direct myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from projecting my lifestyle choices/values on my children and to stopping all assumptions they would be greedy, as I  now see/realize and understand it is my own fear of myself/who I would be in that situation, if I had got caught up with the wealth game, so once again I am projecting my own fears of how I would behave, on them! Thus, I make the decision to stop, breathe and state, ‘I decide in this moment to be stable with me as breath” and then I walk, focusing on the task at hand.

Day 23: The Worrier: Money

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I have noticed an increasing discomfort, like a battle within and as me (internal fight) in reaction to thoughts concerning specific areas of my life ( money, health, family responsibilities, school responsibilities, and work responsibilites)  where I am in continuous conflict/friction- building throughout the day, to thoughts which are creating worry/anxity/stress/ fear which are in turn, creating in my physical body ; tightness in chest, constricting throat, shortness of breath.

This is no longer acceptable to me, therefore I will here, examine these thoughts head on,where my mind is running in circles with no final solution/resolution TO CHANGE THIS PATTERN.

Con’t from July 16/12

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to not realize, I have become the worrier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘I hate it when it gets late and I havn’t done my blogging and all my School responsibilities, more stress as M will expect me to spend time with him this evening, go for a walk with the dog, watch the news, then the students will need me, shit I can’t get everything done I need to.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘He says there is no money, for gas, for me to visit my daughter and mother this weekend, f. that! I’ll find the money somewhere……It’s sad money pits us against each other, M might leave me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier think, ‘we could loose our house, where would we move to, M might dump me if we have to sell the house, so why don’t I just suck it up and play the little housewife so I don’t have to turn my life upside down again (second marriage) he loves living here, we will have to move to a neighborhood I don’t/he doesn’t like as it will not be as nice, oh god, I don’t want to start all over again by myself ,we need a basement apartment or it won’t be worth it, will there be rooms for the kids to come stay with us, what if it is old and ugly?  will I have money to renovate it /fix/decorate it the way I like? I’ll be miserable, I have no car so how would I get around if we have to more somewhere where there are no shops close? I will loose my income and have to start over with my daycare business, I’ll be isolated, we have to finish our renovation before we sell so where will we get the money? if we get re-financing to finish the renovation and then want to stay, our mortgage payments will be higher…’

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier think, ‘We can’t go on like this, stress of being behind on property taxes, bills, not having extra for the odd dinner out, my husband to golf, something the children need (we have 3 young adult children, with us sometimes-come and go), etc? It causes conflicts/fights between me and my husband and wears on the marriage. M wants to stay and I think we should move, he thinks the value of the home will keep going up but I am afraid the market has topped out and will go down and we will in fact lose the money we have in it. Oh god, I am going to be poor again, if he leaves me I will be in the same situation I was in years ago, broke and alone. I don’t know the right decision. Well, we don’t have to face it today, lets just ignore it today. Why do we have to face this?  we are 50 now , it should be easy/relaxed time in our lives to enjoy, not such a bloody struggle.’

I commit myself to, moment by moment, self awareness and to stop and breathe each time I realize I have left that awareness and have become instead the very manifestation of worry, as I now see , realize /understand it is a waste of my time, does not change the facts/physical reality but just creates anxiety/stress, which harms my very physicality.

I commit myself to stop and inhale deeply and on the out breath, take the energies and move them through my body into my toes and return them to the earth/origin/source stating,  ‘Energies, no more! I return you to the earth, to origin, to source!  I decide in this moment to be stable with me as breath‘  then I focus on the task at hand and carry on with my day, my head out the clouds/mind of illusion and back down to earth/reality. I remind myself to be gentle with myself as this -breath awareness -is new to me and I remind myself to be patient and carry on.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a process of walking a daily self-corrective application, stop myself when/as thoughts arise or breathe through the thoughts (not participating in them/following them) whenever I think there is not enough time in the day to get my school responsibilities done before M gets home/students get home, as I now see/realize understand that I have until 10pm, in fact, to get my work done, as it does not need to be done at a certain hour and it does not support me, or change the facts, to go into a reaction of worry.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop myself from engaging in thoughts of worry about not being able to afford to visit my mom and/or daughter and connecting this to anger/fear/blame toward my husband, instead I breathe and commit to assist and support myself to find a solution to this point/moment, as I now see/realize/understand that reacting to it, will only compromise me and in this make it impossible for me to effectively direct myself.

I commit myself to whenever I go into survival mode/panic with several thoughts coming up about moving, to no longer accept and allow myself to participate/follow these thoughts but to instead,at the first thought, make the decision to stop, breathe in deep and on the out breath take the energies and move them through my body into my toes and return them to the earth, stating, ‘Energies no more! I return you to the earth, to origin, to source. I decide in this moment to be stable with me as breath” and then I walk, chin up, and carry on/focus on the task at hand.

I commit myself to, whenever I go into survival mode/panic with several thoughts coming up about NOT moving, stop all participation of following thoughts as in ; internal conversation, backchat, memories, pictures, opinions, judgements, blame of myself and others, and thus I breathe and take responsibility to find a solution out of my mind of stress/worry to a practical physical solution, as I now see/realize/understand I only compromise myself and do not direct myself effectively, but I am being controlled by my mind, if I engage in these thoughts.

Day 22: Character: The Worrier

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I have noticed an increasing discomfort, like an internal battle, in reaction to thoughts concerning specific areas of my life; money, health, family responsibilities, school responsibilities, and work responsibilites,  where I am in continuous conflict/friction, building throughout the day, which is causing /bringing up worry/anxity/stress/ fear which,  in turn, is harming my physical body/creating/manifesting ; tightness in chest, constricting throat, shortness of breath.

thought–>reaction: emotion of worry–>harms my physical body

This is no longer acceptable to me, therefore I will here, examine these thoughts head on,where my mind is running in circles with no final solution/resolution, TO CHANGE THIS PATTERN.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to not realize, I have become the worrier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, as the worrier, I am in my mind of thoughts and have forgotten to use breath, as in here awareness, to direct myself in each moment as who I am, and thus, have abdicated my responsibility as life and am stuck, in stupidity loops, with the same thoughts going round and round in my mind, controlling me and my day, creating conflict in my body through stress/anxiety/fear/worry, harming my physicality, and wasting my time.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier,  think ‘We do not have enough money to pay the property tax bill again this month, they are gonna come knockin’.  And we are so behind on our utility bills and M wants to go on his men’s fishing weekend soon, good luck. He won’t be happy.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier,  think, ‘I should buy muffins, tomatoes and parmasan cheese but I do not have enough money. The students (foreign students staying with us this summer, for income) may want it for the pasta tonight. How could I spend over $100 dollars on groceries and not get everything? Why don’t I just forget it, there is enough. Just like with my kids, I don’t like to disappoint, I’ll just go get it. I’m running out of time. Now I have to go to the store…’

I commit myself to, moment by moment, self awareness and to stop and breathe each time I realize I have left that awareness and have become instead the very manifestation of worry, as I now see , realize /understand it is a waste of my time, does not change the facts/physical reality but just creates anxiety/stress, which harms my very physicality.

I commit myself to stop and inhale deeply and on the out breath, take the energies and move them through my body into my toes and return them to the earth/origin/source stating,  ‘Energies, no more! I return you to the earth, to origin, to source!’ I focus focus on the task at hand and carry on with my day, my head out the clouds/mind of illusion and back down to earth/reality.

I commit myself to, each time I find I have been unaware,  stand and say aloud ‘I decide in this moment to be stable with me as breath‘ and then I continue to walk my day. I remind myself to be gentle with myself as this -breath awareness -is new to me and I remind myself to be patient and carry on.

I commit myself to stop myself, as in the thoughts and emotional reactions of stress/anxiety/fear and breathe, each time I find I have become worry-equal and one with/as worry- because of participating in thoughts about paying the bills and then connecting it to M’s fishing trip as I now see/realize/understand that it is a complete waste of time, is illusion and not practical use of my day and solves nothing, but moving, as in doing/creating, does bring about change, so I change my approach from stress/worry in the mind to practical physical solutions.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I begin to fret about dinner/groceries/having everything-everyone likes/wants and at the same time, worry about time as in ‘there is not enough time’,  I stop, I breathe,  I as now see/realize/understand reacting will only compromise me and in this make it impossible for me to effectively direct myself. I realize it is unrealistic to have everything all the time as we don’t have the money and it is unimportant. I bring myself back to earth/out of my mind and carry on with my day to participate in creating a world that is best for all, so all may have groceries, I remind myself my concerns are tiny/nothing compared to most and focus on the task at hand in equality and oneness to life-not illusion.

To Be Continued

Day 21: Commitment Statements: Experiencing ‘Passages of Time’

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I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and walking a daily self-corrective application (directing myself here, out of the mind) no longer accept and allow myself to exist as menopause, as I now see/realize/understand it is my responsibility, as life here, to stop and breathe each time a thought/reaction/emotion arises within me about sweating/menopause, and bring myself/awareness out of my mind and  back to the physical and carry on with my day.

I commit myself to stop all participation in relating/connecting myself to this character and her ego, like I am in a story and must carry stored memories of ‘passages of time‘ as in physical signs of aging of/as my body and consider and engage in these memories/thoughts/emotions as they arise throughout my day, when I look in the mirror or at my body, as I now see/realize/understand I am not a helpless prisoner in a human form but one and equal with my very physicality, and that ‘time’ and my body are not the enemy but I can remain here/aware of reality in each moment (no time) as/with breath, as life in equality with all of existence, no longer in separation and fear as I am out of the mind of illusion.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and walking a daily self-corrective application  no longer accept and allow myself to judge others as in what/how they are experiencing their physicality as exaggerated/annoying/wrong/weak and project that I will never be like them, as I now see/realize/understand that the suffering is immense, and I did not/have not experienced several of the symptoms, just the sweating and lack of sleep. In that I commit myself to supporting and assisting  other women/men that are willing to walk the DIP (Desteni I Process) Course, as I now see/realize/understand it is unnecessary to endure this suffering when the solution is here as Desteni.

I commit myself to stop and breathe each time I think/relate to linear moments of breath as time passing, as equal to me being a limited being that has a story line, so much time here in my physical body as Sandy’s life which has a birth date and death date/expiry date/graven image within and as me, as I now see/realize/understand I am not this limited character but life here, as real and not trapped by continuous/constant streams of thought/feeling/emotion/energy/memory experiences.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing the ‘sins of the father’ to be inherited/passed down from my parents and their parents and so on, as in the inevitability of aging and with women, the experience of menopause, as I now see/understand/realize this is a program/design of polarites, placed in each human being through ones participation in the mind consciousness system, through which a dedicated/disciplined approach of examination and application can be changed/deleted over a minimum 7 year period using the DIP and Journey to Life blogging.

I commit to stop myself whenever I connect numbers, as in age, to an emotion of fear/helplessness/hopelessness/victim/uselessness/feeling compromised as in seeing passages of time in the numbers 35/40/45/50 etc as milestones in my life, relating it to a character in a story, who has now entered another phase of life, as I now see/understand they are just numbers assigned to life and not life itself, as in here awareness with breath in equality. I bring myself out of my mind and back down to earth, to what is real and focus on the task at hand.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to connect numbers/age, of myself or others, to certain roles/behaviors/things they should do or own/where they should be on their ‘life path’ to create a ‘successful’ story that we consider a ‘life worth living’, like they are just this number/cog in the wheel/consumer in the world’s money machine/system/slave of the elite and are required to participate by purchases of houses, having children, having a job/career as I now see/realize/understand that is not life but just existing as memories replayed over and over again and not living as an actual free expression, self-expansion, being all and the best you can be, but being a slave to the world’s money system where only but a few get to live their dreams, create art, travel, enjoy luxuries without the constant financial stresses most face daily.

In that I commit to, through writing, self-forgiveness and walking a daily self-corrective application, no longer accept and allow myself to connect 35 years old to; fear of time passing, less time to ‘fix’ my life, adult, almost 40 which is getting ‘old’, 40 to; too late to live my dream of a happy and secure home/family, still young enough to drink away my days/pass the time as I did not like/want to face my reality and change it, I still have my songwriter fantasy to place my hopes and dreams, 45 years old to ; close to 50 and fear that that is old, more grey hair and wrinkles on my face, having a nice boyfriend, being liked in AA, my higher power and  kids still love me, I still look quite young, and 50 to ; changes in my physicality: flabby skin on my forearms (and to connect this to a picture in my mind of my mothers forearms), sagging skin on my thighs and knees (and to connect this to a picture in my mind of my mother’s thighs and knees), little red dots on my stomach and chest, more grey hair on my head, more hair growing on my face and chin, my teeth yellowing, gaining weight and relating to other middle aged women who are no longer slim but ‘filled out’ in their backs/stomachs/hips/butt/thighs and thinking that this is ‘normal’.

I commit myself to stop myself and breathe whenever I think 50 years old means a woman no longer has a regular period (no longer producing certain needed bodily hormones) and is unable to produce children, therefore she has no value as life and it is ok that her physicality depletes/diminishes/dries up and her life is ‘on the way out’, as I now see/realize understand, I am just here, in each aware moment, which opens the doors to actual real living, expression and creation, out of the mind of illusion and self-interest, one and equal with the world and existence.

I commit myself to not go into reaction of fear/anxiety/stress/worry when I am told certain solutions/assistance for some of the symptoms of menopause, will /may cause serious side effects, but instead I stop and breath, as I now see/realize/understand reacting will only compromise me and in this make it impossible for me to effectively direct myself. I take responsibility to find a solution, out of the mind and in the physical.

Day 20: Character: Menopausal Woman: Experiencing ‘passages of time’

Standard

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become menopause.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, not see/realize/understand that I am not a picture/character in a story but that I am my very beingness and physicality, which has value as life, here on earth and not reliant upon some made up character of ego and memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, not see/realize/understand how I had over my lifetime, moment by moment, accepted and allowed myself to experience time passing and to relate/connect this to age/aging and to therefore create this character and to relate to it in such a personal way, that I have integrated it into my very physical human body/become this very manifestation as a character of middle aged/menopausal woman; complaining/suffering/sweating/whipping off clothes/fanning, that I used to dislike in other women (and criticize them/judge them as exaggerating, in my secret mind) and promise myself to never ‘be like them’.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, not see/realize/understand that the ‘sins of the father’ are always passed down if we allow participation in the mind/mind consciousness systems design of polarities, firstly, within my own mind and physical body and then without, into the world at large of: young/old, birth/death, healthy/sick, new/used, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, believe in the inevitABILITY of aging and put myself in such a compromising /victim/helpless position , not seeing/realizing or understanding how as I accepted and allowed myself to relate to and  fear/think I was powerless over time passing, I did not question these milestones/passages of time but agreed to believe I am age, as in now 30/35/40/45/50.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, think 30 meant adulthood, as a passage of time in the story of Sandy, she is no longer a child/young woman but an adult and this meant certain things-directed by time-and not by me as who I am here; marriage and buying a home and working at a career.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, think 35 was half way to 40 and that time is going by fast and that drinking helped me ‘ignore’ this reality as I had failed anyway.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, think I did not deserve another chance because I had fucked up badly (divorce/going crazy/alcoholic) and ‘I can just pass the time getting drunk, when the kids aren’t here, because I’m still quite young and have nothing but time and it does not matter, no one knows/cares’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, not see/realize/understand my participation in my mind (the extent of that acceptance and allowance) by thinking 40 meant more grey hair and few lines on my face, the less likelihood of living ‘my dream’ of a happy family with a husband and home and financial security but, ‘Oh well, I have my fantasy of being a songwriter, doesn’t matter what age I am for that and booze keeps me company and occupied, my kids love me and that is enough.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, think 45 meant, ‘Uh oh, I am getting near 50 and that is getting old and I have not accomplished anything/acquired much as in financial assets,  as in ‘who I am’ which means my life has no meaning/purpose/I won’t be remembered as a good person/ no one will be at my funeral/my tombstone will read ‘Sandy Who?’ but at least I have a nice boyfriend and people like me in AA (alcoholics anonymous)  and my kids still love me and my ‘higher power’ loves me and I still look pretty young.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, not see realize/understand that in accepting and allowing myself to agree to the construct of aging, I was agreeing to participate, in this lifetime, to adding to the already extensive abuse existent in the world, as in the current money system based on greed and self-interest, and not here as life at all but here only as the passed on memories from my and others many past lives, not free to express myself as life in equality but in a self imposed prison whereby I make my flesh prisoner to time and let it decay/suffer/deplete until it/I dies, through consuming energy, created by my own participation in thoughts/feelings/emotion/opinions/pictures in my mind/memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, not see/realize/understand the process of aging I saw my father endure and now my mother, of slowly, helplessly, giving in to time and having the body fail due to old age, is abuse to/of the physical substance here as life, one and equal to all in existence and is the very CON of CONsciousness!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, not see/realize/understand that it is not ‘normal’ to see, at age 50, the following changes in my physicality: flabby skin on my forearms (and to connect this to a picture in my mind of my mothers forearms), sagging skin on my thighs and knees (and to connect this to a picture in my mind of my mother’s thighs and knees), little red dots on my stomach and chest, more grey hair on my head, more hair growing on my face and chin, my teeth yellowing, gaining weight and relating to other middle aged women who are no longer slim but ‘filled out’ in their backs/stomachs/hips/butt/thighs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, not see/realize/understand I am participating in a system/pattern of aging, through the linear passing of moments, which dictates to me, as I am now 50 years old, I/all women no longer get a regular period but it comes less and less often, then stops completely, and as this happens, I no longer produce certain growth/strength hormones  so my body starts to break down/age and this is supposedly ok because I am no longer of ‘child bearing years’ so expendable/no longer useful for child production.

In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, let myself/all women suffer horrid sweating (one of the symptoms) as the body’s internal temperature control systems are all screwed up, and so wake up continuously through the night for 2-3 years, so be exhausted/have difficulty being productive during the day and then scare the shit out of me/women who require assistance to take a hormone replacement, that they will have increased risk of breast cancer and blood clotting leading to stroke.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, not see/realize/understand that friends/acquaintances telling me about their (and others) ailments/illnesses is a ‘sign of the times’ as we are in our 50’s now and certain people will get cancer and die, as if life is a lottery some as lucky/some unlucky, some win/ some loose and that this is ok/tolerable/just the way it is.

In that,I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, know it is annoying to others if I share my belief that disease is unacceptable so I should remain quiet and say what my character would say, the supposed polite, ‘Oh that ‘s terrible, I am sorry to hear that’, when I know life is not/should not be a lottery that, if you loose, is expendable/disposable but the most valuable thing in existence.

In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, not trust myself to question/investigate what is here, on earth, as I, most often throughout my life, thought the design of birth and death was pointless and reincarnation pointless (since we do not remember anything from the last life, lol)  and it should not be such a ‘mystery’ I did not respect the mystery, it pissed me off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, submit/abdicate my responsibility  as life here, to  such a cruel design of the depletion of the physical body, over time, because I was helpless to do anything else and to investigate was useless , as others aghast would tell me ‘Who the hell do you think you to suggest the design is wrong/changeable, what a joke, when all the doctors and scientists throughout time, cannot do anything about it (aging/disease) so shut up, you are ridiculous.’ and so to turn to spirituality as my only option to give me some kind of peace, as life was a path to death and before death could be much suffering/agony.

In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as menopause, to not see/realize/understand the age of the person whether it be 1 year old or 100 years old, death and suffering is just as tragic, as we are all one and equal here as life, and none of us are a picture or a character in a story unless we consent to be so, through not remaining here as the flesh, but continued/constant participation in the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as this character, middle-aged woman in menopause, as less than/suffering/helpless/depleting on her way to death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as menopause, not see/realize/understand that I am only striving/fighting, in self-interested ways, to beat time as in not get disease and die ‘prematurely’ and gather enough money/resources to survive in comfort for me and my love ones/family, to ….what….where? the inevitable depletion/the less and less of me unto I cannot move or do anything and then I die/cease to exist ===this is the big prize/win  !?

Solution to follow:  Commitment Statements