Day 39: Can You Overcome The Fear of DEATH ?

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In this blog I will face my fear of death, write it out, the essential first step in overcoming ones fear!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the manifestation of fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto childhood memories as  and within me of one, seeing a dead bird and subsequently finding out that I can and will die and then lying in my bed thinking/contemplating this and being very sad/disappointed/angry/frightened/confused by this new concept that one day I will end and I have no control over this and two, not wanting to look at my grandfather in a casket and being frightened by this and my mother  telling me it was ok and taking me by the hand to look at him and thinking it was not ok , it was awful. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect pictures of the bird and my grandfather to death and the words:  bad, wrong, scarey, over, casket, end, heaven, hell, horrible, awful, stiff, dirty, squashed, fake, unnatural to fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘Oh god, I hope I don’t get cancer.’ In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to participate in the first thought as a picture of me lying a hospital bed, just skin and bones left of me near death, or in a doctors office sitting opposite the doctor who is telling me I am terminally ill with cancer. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship to death-AS FEAR- by simply adopting what I heard from others/saw in movies/read in books or magazines instead of  standing with self/living as me here, in oneness and equality as the breath of life, moment by moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lost in my own mind of moving pictures/imaginations of going for cancer treatment, being in a doctors office, lying on my death bed, telling my children I’m going to die, my funeral with a vase (my ashes)  and people there and sometimes me there as some ghost at the side seeing what is going on lol, being in a car crash, burning in a fire, drowning, being shot my terrorists or a gang INSTEAD of allowing myself to be here, with what is real in this moment, as an expression of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in the following backchat/inner chatter which is all controlled by/initiated by the fear existent within/as me: ‘No please god, I can’t die yet, there’s still so much to do in this life, I’m useful, don’t kill ME…I wonder how many people/who with be at my funeral?…  I’ve lost too many friends my funeral will be embarrassing… I can’t die, I never saw my beautiful earth, I can’t die before equal money is here…I’ll do anything to not die please god, I’m not ready, not yet…my kids have to do process! I can’t die! I have so much left undone…NO I won’t die, there is a way to stop/change this…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of extreme fear, specifically the emotions of: panic, sadness, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, disappointment-as in ‘my death is inevitable’ so powerlessness and then ANGER all stemming from thoughts of death, which is ridiculous as I am just here as life, breathing!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then have the following behavioral changes in my physical body brought on from engaging in the above emotions of fear of death: shoulders slouched forward, jaw tight and clenched, lower back pain – like in fear of death one’s ‘courage’ is ‘threatened’ hence the jaw clenching, shoulders indicating trying to protect self and lower back – fear energy taking one’s power away, pain in spine – spine the filing of one’s life – like, facing that moment of death is facing your entire life/self.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my very life, like I will no longer exist and being directed by fear and ego in thinking how terrible that is,  like that should not be allow for God’s sake! In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘I will lose my relationship with my children, how will they get along without me, I will being with them, laughing with them, hugging them , loving them…they need me damn it, that can’t happen! And I will miss my husband and physical intimacy. Shit, I totally fucked up this life, owe family members (and some ex-family members)  money, I never got to see so many places, do so many things, enjoy nature more, I don’t want to die, what will I face, nothing, what the hell is nothing anyway? Where will I be , where will I go, what will it be like? What is the point of life if you just end? I wish I could apologize to so many people I was rude to /inappropriate with/ignored/bullied/cut off communication with/ brushed aside/did not help when I could have/said the wrong thing/did the wrong thing. Fuck, I can’t go back, it’s too late when you die. It’s over. I was a screw up. What a dumb life.’

Commitment Statements To Follow.

One response »

  1. Pingback: Diving into Unknown Waters « ec·cen·tric

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