Day 41: I Can’t Stop Drinking: Addiction Character Part 1

I drank alcoholically for about 10 years, from when I was 33 to 43 years old. I was always a heavy drinker, party girl before that but never felt a need to drink, just wanted to, to have fun or part of a social evening. There is a definite line that you cross into alcoholism. I did this deliberately (crossed the line) to medicate myself when I began having trouble with my mind. The alcohol did help me sleep for several years and stopped the mind chatter. I drank almost daily, except when I was too hung over/sick to do so. The amount I consumed increased over time, as is the case with all physical addictions. It was hell. I was very stuck in life as I could not advance financially, socially, romantically, in my life. I became more and more isolated. AA supported and assisted me greatly in ending this cycle 8 years ago. I still attend meetings to support others. I met my husband in AA and we enjoy much fellowship in the program.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcoholically for ten years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by fear and think ‘this is an overwhelming topic and I can never possibly get through it.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘drinking will help me not hear the voices in my head and I’ll be able to live and sleep enough to get by.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘drinking will help me keep my children so no one will know I’ve gone insane.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of sadness at starting this exercise and think, ‘No wonder I was putting it off, it’s terrible remembering all this horror.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I need to drink before I go out to a social event or on a date so I’ll be more relaxed, have more fun, be myself’, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind and a memory of crawling up the stairs, one stair at a  time slowly and thinking, ‘I’m not going to make it’ and pausing for several minutes on each stair because I was so loaded and to have this memory exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory and picture exist in my mind, within and as me, of being in the bathtub and continually passing out and coming to gasping for air and thinking, ‘I got to get out of this tub, I could drown’ and doing this over and over for I do not know how long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture exist in my mind and a memory exist within and as me of choking over the bathroom sink and/or toilet from vomit and thinking, ‘I don’t think I’m going to make it, I can’t catch my breath‘.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture and memory exist within my mind, existing within and as me, of throwing up and gagging over the kitchen sink and then drinking more, thinking ‘that’s ok, no big deal, I can keep this down, its ok, I gotta keep this down…fuck, I gotta be able to drink this…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to have a picture of my daughter crying, exist in my mind and a memory of her and my son at her birthday dinner when I said , ‘I wish I could kill myself sometimes’ and them both busting into tears. What a total asshole, I sobered up right away (instantly) and apologized, not that that made it ‘better’ but it was a start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory and a picture exist in my mind of driving with my children with a ‘traveller’ = booze so  drinking and driving and thus endangering myself, my children and others, many times over the years, I do not know how many.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture exist in my mind and a memory exist within and as me, of getting up one morning and looking in the mirror and being horrified as a blood vessel had broken in my eye and I looked like I had been beaten up, the whites of my eyes were yellow, I was bloated and bruised on my arms and legs and did not know why (except I knew alcohol thins the blood so you bruise ‘easily’) , I could not stand up straight and threw up and crawled back into bed. And then the thought, “OMG I look like I’ve been beaten, oh yeah, I have, by myself.”

Part 2 will be commitment statements for the above Self-forgiveness statements.

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