I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anger and as anger to lash out, in spite at others, ‘I’m never doing the grocery shopping with you again’ AND ‘I don’t want to have family dinners/dinner with you guys anymore’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in unawareness and not slow myself down THE MOMENT I feel a movement inside of my beingness, which was also fear in these cases, going back to childhood, of experiencing horrible family dinners, in which my father dominated/intimidated the children at mealtimes AND in the grocery store, fear of rejection/not being valued when someone insinuates I am incompetent (or I interpret a situation this way/I ass-u-me), so I connected memories of my father to my husband’s actions at the grocery store.
When and as I see myself as going into the reaction of anger, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down enough to walk my own process and stop attempting to blame others to make me feel better in that moment/because for a moment it takes the emphasis off of me. I commit myself to examine the ‘why’ of these extreme statements -in each case and not allow myself to be controlled by an emotion based on past experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in my imagination with pictures of me moving into my own apartment and of the past dinners with my father, him at the head of the table, a large, looming figure and me just hoping to be overlooked as a target this mealtime, to escape without harm like in a war zone. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following backchat/inner conversation with these 2 anger statements: screw him, I can get my own apartment and make it my castle, I have enough money, what’s his problem, he thinks I’m stupid, he didn’t even ask me before he reacted, F. it I don’t need this AND I hate this fighting at dinner, I can’t talk to them, I shouldn’t say anything, just like when I was young I have to stay silent and suppress myself still because they can’t handle a new idea, I won’t have dinners if we can’t all get along, I refuse, screw it.’
When and as I see myself beginning to see moving pictures inside my mind or to talk /gossip/complain about others inside my own head, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down enough to walk my own process and stop attempting to escape/run away/blame others to make me feel better in that moment. as I now see/realize/understand I am actually manipulating myself because I am uncomfortable with the emotions I am experiencing and do not want to ‘sit’ with them/look at them, so I talk myself out of the uncomfortable position and into a new position of victor/superior one through blaming the other- going from negative energy experience to positive energy experience -thereby getting the reward of feeling ‘good’ like the winner/powerful victor at the expense/consequence of making others less than/at fault for ruining the dinner time for all. This is done in complete self-interest and does not resolve the issue of anger and blame but avoids it completely. And so I commit to slow myself down, look at/examine what I am experiencing and walk my process.
I also realize that my extreme reaction-so definitive in nature and absolute- is a build-up of suppressed emotions/reactions from childhood, as I was not allowed to acknowledge or express/share my feelings/emotions as my father threatened punishment for a show of emotion, and I did witness his anger if my siblings cried or ‘spoke back’. (I have a few memories of when my sister cried and he would make fun of her/humiliate her and she would run to her room AND of when one of my brothers was vocal back at my dad and then ran to the bathroom and locked the door and my dad broke the door down. Nothing much happened after that but it was very frightening to hear/witness). So there was MUCH suppressed fear but also anger, as I knew his reactions were not proper, we did not deserve to be treated this way but I was, in fact, helpless to change it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in the emotions, around these statements, of: fear, anger, spite, dislike, superiority, worry, guilt, resent and blame, judgement of another and judgement of self.
I commit myself to assist and support myself when/as I see myself falling into such emotions I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to my physical body and slow down as I now see/realize/understand I am reacting from/as the past as memories, from childhood, where I suppressed such emotions so they have accumulated into a RAGE and DESIRE FOR REVENGE for the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness of a little child who was trapped. I remind myself I am no longer a small child but an adult who can control herself and act responsibly. I realize my husband did not know I had not yet looked for a certain item and he was trying to be expedient and helpful by going to get it as we were at the checkout, so simply communicate calmly/investigate why another is acting a certain way, I also realize I am not in danger now/under no real threat and if my husband feels a certain way he can tell me otherwise I can just leave it, or ask him at a later time what he is experiencing and share what I am experiencing about an issue.
I also realize I can stop myself from engaging in self-judgement at the dinner table-through fear that I have created the same unpleasant atmosphere at dinner time for my family that I experienced as a child- and STOP expecting my family to accept the principals of equal money but to stand as a living example-put a guard over my mouth- and simply walk my process and let them explore/verbalize ideas freely at dinnertime/engage in debate without always ‘telling them a better way’ through a system of equality. I understand they are in their own processes and not immerced in the Desteni material as I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so lost in my own mind/thought patterns that I experience physical discomfort/bodily changes/reactions of increased heart rate, tension/unease in my solar plexes, stiffening of the muscles in my face and shoulders and neck, shallow breathing.
I commit myself to the process of stopping all such physical reactions from manifesting by bringing my awareness back to the physical with breath and reminding myself I am a physical being and staying out of my mind of thought patterns, with regard to these extreme reactions/statements, as I now see/realize/understand how living in the past harms my physicality and my interaction with people I love/respect and feeds upon itself, so I become totally possessed with rage and am not able to discern reality from fantasy and I then become more and more extreme within my communication. In that, I then face the consequence of having to backtrack and take responsibility for my response and apologize for harming another.
Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.
- Day 194: Who Owns the Moon?
- Day 303: The Encryption of Systems (Part Four)
- Telephonophobia – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 277
- My Heart Races When I Talk to People – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 281
- Day 305: Reeva Steenkamp – Collateral Damage in the War between the Haves and the Have-Nots
- Day 300: The Encryption of Systems (Part One)
- Day 294: Natural Learning Ability of the Feral Child
- Fear of Talking to People – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 275
- Day 298: The Power of Intent
- Day 301: The Encryption of Systems (Part Two)