Day 313: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry 2

energy-as-demon-possessionPlease read  I Don’t Trust Her, Part 1 for proper context to this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I don’t trust her, I feel manipulated and angry’.

Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in  anger/resentment/spite/jealousy, blame, comparison, competition which is veiling an emotion of superiority where I feel better about myself by putting her down in my mind, placing myself above her in separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in inner chatter/backchat like: how did she do that, I told her 3 times I did not want a presentation at my house where I have to invite people and now there is a date set up?! no one wants to come, I tried the first time and people cancelled. no one wants this stuff. this is so 80’s, home parties and discounts. Both these women are so ‘dynamic’ and good looking and sexy. I am not so much anymore, maybe I should try harder like I used to. I can look like they do if I try. My friend is so interesting, she is very knowledgeable about many topics. My husband thinks she is very attractive in many ways. I don’t trust her. I used to have terrible nightmares about her sleeping with my husband.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  then react  by bullying myself into guilt for my initial reaction of anger, with inner chatter like, ‘she’s really not so bad, I shouldn’t criticize her’.  Then I go into the polarized reaction of  fear, fear of being manipulated/ taken advantage of/lied to/spited/losing my partner ,  and this fear is what is hiding the truth of me, a more deep rooted belief of inferiority.

To Continue

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Day 312: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry!

multi 2 multi multi 3Here I am opening up a new point, in which I can see from my very title, how I allowed myself to be manipulated lol. A friend of mine, who had recently moved back to the city I live in, asked me to attend a Arbonne party, in which she would be selling skin/beauty products. I could not attend as I was very ill from the detox I was doing. So I asked her to invite me to another in the future. We both are members of AA and I asked her if she would like to go to a meeting with me. We made a date then I discovered her intention was this was a date for her to do her Arbonne presentation, I was surprised and said ‘oh I thought we were going to a meeting, just invite me to another party’ but she insisted we get together for this other reason and I could invite others. I felt pressured and guilty because I did want to support her by purchasing some products. However, I have had experience in the past with several of these multi-level marketing companies, trying to get people to come to my home for a ‘party’ and it is not that easy/simple. I find people generally do not want to attend and often cancel last minute so I told her I would meet with her but just her and I.

I do understand the concept of these companies to empower people to have their own business, which is very cool. Thus I do not mind supporting another in this endevour by purchasing useful /quality products. As the day grew closer this person was texting me asking me again to invite others. Even though I repeated several times, ‘no it will just be you and I’ she asked again and again. When she was at my home for an hour she told me her ‘sponsor’/partner in the business would be arriving soon for another part of the presentation. Again, I was surprised and told her that was not necessary but the woman arrived anyway.

I told them they did not have to go into an Arbonne presentation for me. I have experienced several of these over the last 25 years from make-up to health supplements to cleaning products to finances to making money online etc. They all focus on how you will make big money, try to recruit you and ask for referrals. I am not interested and made this clear to my friend from the beginning months prior. I then had to very clearly state, ‘no, I do not want this presentation’ the woman then asked me ‘don’t you want to knowwhy R joined the company?’ I said ‘NO, I told her already I want to support her by purchasing some products from her’.

I felt kind of crappy about being so straightforward but I was self-honest in the moment, I was not rude/did not have an ‘attitude’ about it at all, just spoke stable and clear. I was able to let go of the need to be liked in that moment as well.

After the woman left, my friend and I spoke for awhile and at one point she told me this was an ‘extra’ job to make money so she could afford to ride horses, which sounded realistic to me. However, not long after that she said she ‘hopes to retire in 10 years’ from building up this business. I did not say anything. This I feel is unrealistic and do not agree with the tactics of this company, using dreaming big/unrealistic goals to recruit people. Having said that, if my friend is able to achieve this -great! Some people do but the majority do not. This company (and many others with similar structure) feeds on people’s emotions, creating dramatic ‘highs’/excitement in their group meetings and charts showing them how much they can make. My friend created some stability in a twelve step program, which she is no longer focusing on, and this concerns me.

As well, they get you to first and foremost rely on friends and family to make sales and within that, get your friends/family to invite their friends/family.

Probably some of my anger is that a relative of mine is also involved in another business venture in which she is doing the same thing, insisting on a presentation when I cannot use nor afford the product, at this time in my life. I gave this person 3 referrals but she is back to asking me for a meeting/presentation again!

I do realize it is a cool way-simply by changing our purchasing habits-to empower the individual versus continuing to pour money into the multi-nationals, with items like beauty products , supplements, household items and services like life insurance.

How I Have Changed:   I was able to, both prior to the evening and while the two women were in my home, examine some of the thoughts and emotions in relation to this issue. I could see my anger/resentment/spite/jealousy comparison, competition and fear of being manipulated/ taken advantage of (by buying products I could not afford/need/want or agreeing to hosting a ‘home party’) which I have learnt, through taking the DIP (Desteni I Process) course, is a point of inferiority existing within me.

So because I am now more aware of what is going on inside of me I was able to keep it brief/to the point and basically say ‘No thank you’. In the past I would have made all sorts of excuses/reasons to these women, in which they could ‘argue’, as I realize they are in sales and trying to make a living, thus for every objection I would give they are taught to first be diplomatic /agree with me , then reply with another sales feature and benefit of their product/opportunity and then make another close-ask for the sale again. That is all cool, I have been in sales and this strategy works! I knew however, I would not be interested in this opportunity, nor did I have any referrals I could offer.

I was able to discern -with some small reaction of guilt and fear of rejection- that I was not being rude but I was being clear, thus not wasting my or their time further. I could put in perspective more the fear of rejection, as if my friend did not to maintain ourfriendship/fellowship after this, that is something I do not control, I told her to call me whenever she wants to go to a meeting and I was ‘pleasant’ with both of them, that is all I can do. I am cool with that.

Having said that, I still did experience several thoughts, backchat and emotions (I did not ‘relate to’them/participate/follow them nearly as much as in the past): Some of my thoughts/backchat: how did she do that, I told her 3 times I did not want a presentation at my house where I have to invite people and now there is a date set up?! no one wants to come, I tried the first time and people cancelled. no one wants this stuff. this is so 80’s, home parties and discounts. Both these women are so ‘dynamic’ and good looking and sexy. I am not so much anymore, maybe I should try harder like I used to. I can look like they do if I try. My friend is so interesting, she is very knowledgeable about many topics. My husband thinks she is very attractive in many ways. I don’t trust her. I used to have terrible nightmares about her sleeping with my husband.

Thus, I will further face this issue by deconstructing the thought: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry!

To Continue

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Day 311: Re-Defining ‘Power’ From Suppression to Self Expression 5

powerpower 2Please read From Suppression to Self-Expression Part 1 – Part 4  for context to this blog:    You Can Re-Create Yourself:  From Suppression to Self-Expression Part 1

 From Part 1:  Here I begin to examine my  feelings of inferiority towards M, a point which has been suppressed within me my entire life. This is a new point that emerged when speaking with my DIP Buddy, as she assisted me to see how my reaction of fear was actually one of feeling inferior. I did not know that!

RE-DEFINING ‘POWER’

DICTIONARY DEFINITION:    

ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something.  great or marked ability to do or act; strength; might; force.  the possession of control or command over others; authority; ascendancy:  power over men’s minds.
MY DEFINITION:    something that someone has over me, something I fear because I do not have it. the ability of someone/thing to harm me and I am vulnerable against it, like a virus or a person who can humiliate me, control me usually through fear of survival so through money or physical size/strength or intellect or position.

SOUNDING:   ‘ Pow’-Her     pow, as in kaboom, a big explosion, like EMpower her =   EMPOWER ME

EXPLORE IN WRITING:    I actually did misuse power when I used to drink and go to bars to meet men. There you go, I am not so innocent/only playing the victim once again, when I look in self-honestly.  However, throughout my life I have mostly victimized myself, believing myself to be inferior, because of how I have lived in fear of men/authority figures/anyone I see as bigger/stronger/smarter, starting from my childhood as my dad was an intimidating, authoritarian ruler lol of the house.   I felt silenced/unsafe/basically unloved by this male presence, he was unpredictable, he abused alcohol and would verbally/emotionally attack his children (I was the youngest of 4), he made his opinion clear on the hierarchy of life : white men, men, women, children and he used the word inferior often enough.

NEW DEFINITION OF POWER:    The ability I possess in each moment here, to put the time and effort into understanding a situation/person and remain with it -out of my mind of the past and of fear of inferiority- to assess the best way forward in any given situation, within the physical, determining ‘best for all’ solutions,  the goal being to EMpower myself/the other person/or the situation in a way that equally considers all involved. 

 

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Eqafe:  Series on Suppression  Starts here:     Suppression: Introduction – Atlanteans – Part 218

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Day 310: You Can Re-Create Yourself! From Suppression to Self-Expression 4

break free 2 break freePlease read Suppression:  Inferiority Part 1 and Part 2  for context to this blog:    You Can Re-Create Yourself:  From Suppression to Self-Expression Part 1

 From Part 1:  Here I begin to examine my feelings of inferiority towards M, a point which has been suppressed within me my entire life. This is a new point that emerged when speaking with my DIP Buddy, as she assisted me to see how my reaction of fear was actually one of feeling inferior. I did not know that!

Continuing:

Self Corrective Application and Commitment Statements  

When and as I see myself thinking M is wrong, difficult to understand/doesn’t understand me and then participating in spiteful backchat I stop and I breathe. I remind myself to access what is here in the physical and to focus on solutions. I realize I bring the past with me when I have these thoughts, with all sorts of assumptions and opinions and have no right to judge M. as I do not know how she/he is experiencing life and all his/her pre-programming. Thus I commit myself to focus on understanding, slowing myself down and to be self-honest in the moment, thus allowing communication/our relationship to no longer be limited by the past  but open to grow/expand in equality and solutions that are best for all involved.

When and as I see myself reacting with all sorts of emotion to M. wanting to give up/thinking this is too much to handle I stop and I breathe. I remind myself to get out of my head, use my breath to stabilize the emotional reactions. I realize I have relied on thesereactions for years to ‘make me feel better’ about myself in relation to M. I use this ‘positive’ ego energy experience where I make myself superior to M and put her down in my mind to assert a position of strength, whenever I think and or fear she /he has the ‘upper hand’. I can see the times I have stopped my reactions the conversation flows instead of sparks building and communication breaking down. Thus I commit myself to be more aware when speaking with M. and stop myself immediately when I feel anyreaction arise.

When and as I see myself becoming the bullying character, where I swing from the positive energy experience of superiority to the negative of inferiority, coming out as guilt for having put her/him down in my mind, I stop and I breathe. I realize both of thesepolarized reactions are just veils, covering the truth of me: the bully distracts me from the initial reaction of anger/spitefulness, which is there to cover the fact that I feel inferior in relation to the how we grew up, past mistakes I have made, money, power. Thus I commit myself to stop victimizing myself by stabilizing with breath, and then letting go of these two polarized reactions. I also commit myself to let go of the initial fear/inferiority point by reminding myself the truth; that we are just two physical beings here in equality and when I am calm he/she is also calm and we are able to create solutions and communicate with relative ease, realizing no one can harm me/emotionally abuse me unless I allow it.

 

prin 2 2

Eqafe:  Series on Suppression  Starts here:     Suppression: Introduction – Atlanteans – Part 218

Cool Google Hangouts:   To watch and to join in!  You can participate in live hangouts each week, ask questions.

Personal Growth: DIP:  https://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniIProcess

A Living Income Guaranteed LIG:  https://www.youtube.com/user/BIGuaranteed

 

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Day 309: You Can Re-Create Yourself : From Suppression to Self-Expression 3

no power 2no power 3Please read Suppression:  Inferiority Part 1 and Part 2  for context to this blog:    You Can Re-Create Yourself:  From Suppression to Self-Expression Part 1

 From Part 1:  Here I begin to examine my feelings of inferiority towards M, a point which has been suppressed within me my entire life. This is a new point that emerged when speaking with my DIP Buddy, as she assisted me to see how my reaction of fear was actually one of feeling inferior. I did not know that!

Continuing:

Voicing:   intense/direct voice:   releases mind/body from suppression system

For me to learn:  do not place people in a superior position in which I fear them OR in a superior position in which I revere them(secretly fear as well).   In both cases I victimize myself, as I take the inferior position that I am less than/not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘M is wrong! What is she/he suggesting anyway? I don’t understand M.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in inner chatter/backchat like: He/she is so spoiled, just like when we were younger, I always give in, he/she likes messing with me, F** M is so controlling, I’m not playing this gameanymore’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, spite, righteousness, superiority, suspicion, and judgement toward M. In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility and ‘throw my hands up in the air’ in regards to M like it is too much to handle/give up, when all I ever require to do is remain calm/stabilize, clarify with M and suggest solutions that are best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I have relied on these reactions for years to ‘make me feel better’ about myself in relation to M. and so I crave/use this ‘positive’ ego energy experience where I make myself superior to M and put her down in my mind to assert a position of strength, whenever I think and or fear she /he has the ‘upper hand’.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into a polarized reaction, swinging to the negative experience, in which I  bully myself with all sorts of backchat resulting in reaction of self-doubt/self-judgement/guilt/inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage my own mind in conversation/backchat like: well, he /she is not so bad, they had it worse than me, it’s not their fault, what did I say that set her/him off, I have to be more careful, why do I always react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I am using this bullying character to SUPPRESS my initial reactions of anger/frustration and so occupy my mind so I am distracted therefore do not stop to consider/face my first reaction of superiority.

In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that both of the positive reaction and negative reaction hide/veil/suppress  the truth of me: that which is behind my polarized experiences, which is inferiority and victimization.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear/fear of humiliation-as in being verbally abused, fear that M. is right/superior, fear I am less than/weaker than M because he/she has the power of more money/age/position in society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘power’ as the amount of possessions/money one has, position in family and society in general.

In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that this inferiority started when we were growing up, as I allowed myself to compare what M. had (physical items) to what I had and then continued into adulthood as he/she had much financial stability, where I struggled financially and lived in debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the hierarchical design of comparison, competition, family, age, money, order of birth, meaning someone who is older is ‘higher up’ the totem pole of privilege, deserves more money, receives and gets more respect, is listened to more, has more power, and thus is in less danger.

To continue

principals 3

 

Eqafe:  Series on Suppression  Starts here:     Suppression: Introduction – Atlanteans – Part 218

Cool Google Hangouts:   To watch and to join in!  You can participate in live hangouts each week, ask questions.

Personal Growth: DIP:  https://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniIProcess

A Living Income Guaranteed LIG:  https://www.youtube.com/user/BIGuaranteed

 

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desteni.org – Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material

 

 

Day 308: Suppression: Inferiority 2

triedPlease read  the previous post for context to this blog:    You Can Re-Create Yourself:  From Suppression to Self-Expression Part 1

 Suppression: Free Yourself – Atlanteans – Part 228

Why do we suppress? Because of an inherent belief ‘this is too much, I can’t handle this now, I can’t look at this now, I’ll just put it over here in my mind, I’ll look at it later’ so we push things aside that we are reacting to but this is no solution. As a solution, I will walk a self-forgiveness process, firstly forgiving the suppression itself and then all of the dimensions of the specific pattern I go into with M. Then I will write out self-correction/commitment statements, which I must walk/live daily in order to truly change myself and my reactions within this pattern. It takes time, do not be discouraged when/as the same thoughts/reactions/patterns come up. It is a process, it will take time and living the change over and over to finally be gone for good. However, you will find as you begin to live/speak/become this change, it becomes easier and easier, the other person will change in relation to you as well. There will be, indeed a ripple effect within all of your other relationships and living as you start to take responsibility for your own reactions. It took time to program yourself/your responses this way, makes sense that it will take some time and dedication on your part, to re-write the script/re-program your mind ‘change your mind‘! (be consistent with your change toward the person/situation and they will see you have changed for good and adopt to the new you).

Voicing for self-forgiveness:    gentle voice:   releases your beingness from the suppression system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can’t handle the things that are coming up inside my mind and my life, in relation to the patterns I see I am stuck in with M.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relationship to my own mind and my own life within this belief of me not being good enough or strong enough or having the necessary tools or skills to face and confront whats coming up inside my mind and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that this was simply a belief, that I immediately gave into this belief and within giving into the belief I became it and so did not see any other way out, when all the while the potential for me to face and deal with and confront whats in my mind and in my life has always been right here, I just needed to see through this belief.

tried 2I no more accept and allow myself to victimize myself in relationship to my own mind and my own life, I here on forward support myself to no more suppress, to not believe this belief and to instead, every moment a challenge comes up and this idea/belief of ‘I can’t do this/I can’t handle this’ to stand my ground, bring the information and the points right here within myself, to face them, confront them and find solutions for them.

Eqafe:  Series on Suppression  Starts here:     Suppression: Introduction – Atlanteans – Part 218

Cool Google Hangouts:   To watch and to join in!  You can participate in live hangouts each week, ask questions.

Personal Growth: DIP:  https://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniIProcess

A Living Income Guaranteed LIG:  https://www.youtube.com/user/BIGuaranteed

 

 

 

 

Day 307: You Can Re-Create Yourself! Suppression to Self-Expression

sisterHere I begin to examine my feelings of inferiority towards M, a point which has been suppressed within me my entire life. This is a new point that emerged when speaking with my DIP Buddy, as she assisted me to see how my reaction of fear was actually one of feeling inferior. I did not know that!

But whoooa…gotta back up to fully understand, point by point, what is going on within the mind to truly change oneself and not kid yourself with another quick fix, thinking I have changed/transcended a point within me, only to have it possess me the next time I speak with or see that same person, over and over again!

I have been stuck in thinking and reaction patterns within my relationship with M for years!

Throughout the last 3 years I have become more aware of my own mind-meaning I am no longer accepting my mind to simply suppress this point of inferiority, so I am able to identify the emotions that come up after speaking on the phone or in person to M. Actually, reactions come up when I simply think about speaking to M in some future moment!

Let’s see if I can piece some of this together, as it seems rather muddled like a puzzle to me in this moment. I will look at some of my inner conversation/backchat that inevitably comes up. It starts with a fear like paranoia, “I do not trust M, he/she is out to get me, definitely knows how to ‘push my buttons’ hmm, just like my dad, he/she is sneaky and mean and enjoys humiliating me, how sick, I don’t trust M or my dad, they have similar nasty vindictive behavior/responses towards me, I can’t feel at ease taking to them, I never know when they will ‘attack’ me, they are inconsistent and unpredictable, I’m on edge and then as soon as I let my guard down and I am feeling normal/some confidence/comfortability BOOM they get me again!, Man I never learn, what do I expect. “

So, this is my interpretation/perspective. Trouble is there is no understanding or room for growth within the relationship, no building trust through mutual respect and support, it is like I am /we are in a vortex, time looping as in replaying the same stuff over and over. Time to STOP and change this pattern for good!

The Pattern:   swinging from one polarity to the other

From Inferiority:   this comes out as fear of being put down/humiliated/having my buttons pushed      *This mostly comes up in my subconscious and/or unconscious mind, although I am starting to becoming aware of it.

Into Suppression:   veiling/masking SUPPRESSING the STARTING point of inferiority.       *Unconscious Mind

To Superiority:    then I go into my ego within self-interest (a desire existent within me like, ‘F** just give me what I want/agree with me) this comes out as emotional reactions of blame, anger/frustration which builds into anxiety.       *Conscious Mind 

back to inferiority:    as fear builds once again that they ‘did it again, I am all upset after having been with them/speaking to them, damn it!’…and on it goes

To continue

principals 3DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

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