Please read Suppression: Inferiority Part 1 and Part 2 for context to this blog: You Can Re-Create Yourself: From Suppression to Self-Expression Part 1
From Part 1: Here I begin to examine my feelings of inferiority towards M, a point which has been suppressed within me my entire life. This is a new point that emerged when speaking with my DIP Buddy, as she assisted me to see how my reaction of fear was actually one of feeling inferior. I did not know that!
Voicing: intense/direct voice: releases mind/body from suppression system
For me to learn: do not place people in a superior position in which I fear them OR in a superior position in which I revere them(secretly fear as well). In both cases I victimize myself, as I take the inferior position that I am less than/not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘M is wrong! What is she/he suggesting anyway? I don’t understand M.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in inner chatter/backchat like: He/she is so spoiled, just like when we were younger, I always give in, he/she likes messing with me, F** M is so controlling, I’m not playing this gameanymore’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, spite, righteousness, superiority, suspicion, and judgement toward M. In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility and ‘throw my hands up in the air’ in regards to M like it is too much to handle/give up, when all I ever require to do is remain calm/stabilize, clarify with M and suggest solutions that are best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I have relied on these reactions for years to ‘make me feel better’ about myself in relation to M. and so I crave/use this ‘positive’ ego energy experience where I make myself superior to M and put her down in my mind to assert a position of strength, whenever I think and or fear she /he has the ‘upper hand’.
I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into a polarized reaction, swinging to the negative experience, in which I bully myself with all sorts of backchat resulting in reaction of self-doubt/self-judgement/guilt/inferiority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage my own mind in conversation/backchat like: well, he /she is not so bad, they had it worse than me, it’s not their fault, what did I say that set her/him off, I have to be more careful, why do I always react.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I am using this bullying character to SUPPRESS my initial reactions of anger/frustration and so occupy my mind so I am distracted therefore do not stop to consider/face my first reaction of superiority.
In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that both of the positive reaction and negative reaction hide/veil/suppress the truth of me: that which is behind my polarized experiences, which is inferiority and victimization.
I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear/fear of humiliation-as in being verbally abused, fear that M. is right/superior, fear I am less than/weaker than M because he/she has the power of more money/age/position in society.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘power’ as the amount of possessions/money one has, position in family and society in general.
In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that this inferiority started when we were growing up, as I allowed myself to compare what M. had (physical items) to what I had and then continued into adulthood as he/she had much financial stability, where I struggled financially and lived in debt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the hierarchical design of comparison, competition, family, age, money, order of birth, meaning someone who is older is ‘higher up’ the totem pole of privilege, deserves more money, receives and gets more respect, is listened to more, has more power, and thus is in less danger.
Eqafe: Series on Suppression Starts here: Suppression: Introduction – Atlanteans – Part 218
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