Day 293: ‘Taken Away’ What Preoccupies You?

preoccupiedpreoccupied 2Listening to the interviews from Eqafe this last few weeks, has got me to examine/look at exactly what is it that preoccupies me. I can identify 5 major areas/themes that ‘take me away’ from reality and down the rabbit hole of the mind, into a simulated life, versus simply being life here/present with breath each moment. These are: healthfamily, entertainment as in tv series, group participation (Desteni online participation/DIP course) and finances.

Of course, it changes from time to time, depending upon what is going on in my life. Also these main themes can overlap and sometimes there are very specific characters within the theme ie. the paranoid wife within the family character. In this blog series however, I am looking at them in a larger/overall context so that I am more aware within catching the first thought or image that pops up in my mind, thus I am not lost/’caught off guard‘ for several minutes and then suddenly realize ‘holy, I’ve been in my mind for the last 5 minutes!’

In this blog series I will focus on the quantum mind/unconscious mind reactions, asking myself: what is the emotional energy fueling/behind this thought? And addressing that with self-forgiveness and a corrective application statement, which must then be applied in my day to day living to be effective. Please Read:  Practical Desteni

I will start with health, since it has been in the forefront of my life recently.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, after finding out my biopsy results were benign, almost immediately, shift from having obsessive thoughts about cancer/death/operations into a  ‘health’ character. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to again rush=panic note: I am in the process of stopping and stabilizing myself when I see this happening.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ‘health’ character and as the health character think about: my niece’s health condition and all the information I want to share with her, future tests/mammograms for myself, to question how the biopsy report is ‘graded’, question why they don’t want to send me the report ?(which is ridiculous as it is about my body-I will continue to insist it be sent to me),which alternative treatments to apply, overloading my body with too many supplements, how expensive it will be to follow a treatment plan.

What is the energy behind these thoughts? Worry/Anxiety and FEAR

They are all coming from the starting point of fear: of loss of control of my body and my life, of the suffering I would have to endure if I were to get ill, of the test/procedures I would have to go through, of the future = fear of the unknown. Please note, I am not suggesting to not care but to replace worry/fear with actual caring and sharing in a practical way-a physical way- through companionship/getting together with others either in person or online/virtual world, investigating information for yourself and if appropriate passing it onto another, purchasing/consuming proper healing supplements and foods, etc. So doing what you can , step by step to move yourself towards your goal and supporting/assisting another as much as possible to do the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come from the starting point of fear, within these thoughts in and around the issue of my current health and how I am walking a treatment plan. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create worry and anxiety putting even more stress and strain on the physical body.

So, why do I get ‘lost’ at times throughout the day within this ‘health’ character? Because of associations/connections the mind consciousness system makes!  It happens so fast, boom boom, one thought after another that you don’t even notice! Like, I have a thought and from that thought a picture pops up in my head…then a memory comes up…..another thought, ‘oh I feel so lousy about that past experience‘…then another thought-’I was a terrible person’… an emotional reaction of guilt and lethargy comes up…then a thought ‘I ‘m so tired, think i’ll lie down for while’…. and there I go down the rabbit hole, completely preoccupied, completely (or partially) taken away from my day and daily responsibilities, no longer focused on what is actually before me/reality at all!  I am no longer focused on a process of self-realization/growing/changing/expanding or usefulness to others but instead I am thrown back into the past and remaining stuck!

Therefore:

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within mind associations, connecting one thought to another to another…instead of remaining with breath awareness in each moment, thereby catching the first thought and bringing myself back to the physical/reality, I am thus able to move/flow, within a calm stability, throughout my day and able to get through all of my daily responsibilities.

When and as I see myself going into the ‘health character’ within thoughts, imaginations and emotions I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to access only what is here in physical reality and stay out of my mind. I realize jumping into a new character is not productive/supportive to my being and my body whereas moving within physical space/time, facing points one by one is how I get things done, how I change and grow and how I heal, heal my mind/body/being toward a one and equal relationship to all/the physical. Thus, I commit myself to slow down and live breath by breath, aware of myself as a physical being here on earth, grateful and so not wasteful of the time I have here.

When and as I see myself  being controlled by/participating in the emotions of worry, anxiety and fear, in and around the ‘health character’ I stop , I breathe.  I remind myself to bring myself back down to earth, feel my feet firmly on the ground, and out of the mind of energy.  I realize the quantum mind/unconscious mind is going to use whatever it can-in the form of associations to keep me captured in the mind: memories/imaginations/relentless number of thoughts coming at me one after another, creating fear energies-sucking this energy out of me/my body and my being to fuel it’s own existence/keep it alive and indeed in control of me/my life.  Thus, I commit myself to be ever more diligent to not give these emotions and associations ‘life’/to not participate/not strengthen them even more though engaging in them but instead to strengthen me/my beingness/my stand here as life, by remaining with the physical in that moment!

Please Read:   Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer

From Eqafe :   My Life With Cancer

 

living words 3DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

Day 292: Re-Defining Breast Micro-Calcifications

living wordsliving words 4Please read the previous 3 posts : Overwhelmed with Information: ‘It’s too much for me to handle’ for proper context to this blog.

Dictionary Definition: Breast calcifications are calcium deposits within breast tissue. They appear as white spots or flecks on a mammogram and are usually so small that you can’t feel them. Although breast calcifications are usually noncancerous (benign), certain patterns of calcifications — such as tight clusters with irregular shapes — may indicate breast cancer. Micro-calcifications. These show up as fine, white specks, similar to grains of salt. They’re usually noncancerous, but certain patterns can be a sign of cancer.

My Definition: A thorn in my side, a mystery which is controlling me, taking me to places within and without, where I do not want to go/I am afraid of going.

Sounding:

breast: B-rest = slow down and also give the body rest/healing time

micro: extremely small/minute

microscope = look closer at the fine details of your body and your life, as they make up the totality of you within and without

calcify: to become ridged or hardened = moving too fast within my mind and within the physical world (thus moving within energy and not a stability), without considering my body and being, has resulted in the breast tissue hardening/calcifying.

Explore in Writing:

I went for my biopsy yesterday and it was fine. I was concerned because many women reported (online) of it being extremely painful. But this was not my experience. The nurses/doctor/technicians gave me all the time I needed to ask questions and answered everything thoroughly. They were clear and honest about the procedure and it was NOT painful. I stayed with breath awareness (aware/focused on reality before me in each moment-meaning I was not in my mind of thoughts/emotions/imaginings-breathing slowly in and out) and sometimes I counted inside my head using 4 count breath (4 in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 hold etc.).

So now I am waiting for the results and will go from there. However, I have been doing research and it seems no matter what the biopsy outcome is, I still have a large amount of micro-calcifications in my left breast and some in my right breast (they are not concerned with how they appear in my right breast at this time). It seems-no matter the outcome-sometimes there are false negatives and false positives of any test and things/breast tissue can change over time so there is still concern. Part of me thinks just remove the area of calcification regardless (lumpectomy) and part of me thinks just leave them and do /follow an alternative treatment program and part of me thinks do a combination of both! Obviously, I have to wait for the results to decide the best method of treatment for my body and being.

Re-defining the words/term Breast Micro-calcifications:

A condition in my breasts that is present at the current time and has been for a least 4 years. This condition may have changed from 2012 to now (July 2014), in that there may be more/increased micro-calcification in my left breast, the doctors are unsure because of mammograms now being digital versus film so more detail of the breast tissue is seen AND my breasts are now less dense, having gone through/going through menopause, so again more detail/calcification is able to be seen.

Thus, I am redefining this term as: an existent condition within my breast tissue, which I am in the process of healing/stabilizing by walking a treatment plan of: possibly surgery (to be determined) and an alternative treatment plan, which includes Dr. Kelley’s One Answer to Cancer (a radical change of diet, supplements, detoxes for all the major organs among other things). Thus I am addressing my whole self, mind/body/being, taking a holistic approach, which makes sense to me. I realize it took time to create this situation and will take time to heal it, thus I remind myself to be patient yet vigilant in my daily approach

Please Read:   Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer

From Eqafe :   My Life With Cancer

 

living words 3Cool Google Hangouts:   To watch and to join in!  You can participate in live hangouts each week, ask questions.

                        Personal Growth: DIP:  https://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniIProcess

A Living Income Guaranteed LIG:  https://www.youtube.com/user/BIGuaranteed

Day 291: Living the Commitment To Change: Feeling Overwhelmed

empowermentPlease read the previous 2 posts : Overwhelmed with Information: ‘It’s too much for me to handle’ for proper context to this blog.

When and as I see myself time looping within thoughts that I am not competent/capable enough to handle/sort through information, and that I need to rush to get through the information, in and around this issue of the condition of my breasts  I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself to access/focus on what is here in physical reality and to slow down/not panic, thus stopping participation within my mind.  I realize these thoughts/thought patterns are not supportive to my mind/body/being as they lead to emotions that can be harmful.  I also remind myself I have re-defined the word ‘biopsy’ -specifically in relation to my situation- as ‘calm and gentle’ and I live this word through breath in each moment. Thus I commit myself to stop all such participation within these kinds of thoughts and continuing moving, within a flow of breath in the physical throughout my day.

When and as I see myself time looping within emotional reactions of:  fearworryanxiety creating stress within my physical body around this issue I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself to access what is here in physical reality and stop participation within my mind. I realize anxiety and stress are not supportive to my mind/body/being and serve no purpose but can be harmful.   Thus I commit myself to stop all such participation within these emotions and to focus on the task at hand.

When and as I see myself  creating physical consequences resulting from fear/worry/anxiety  in and around this issue  I stop, I breathe.  I make sure to slow myself down by focusing on what is here in physical reality and I use breath to stabilize myself. I realize it is quite useless to allow myself to go so far with thoughts and emotions to cause changes in my body, as it does not  change reality/what I require to do in the physical but going for test/creating a treatment plan are practical steps that I can take for healing.  Thus I commit myself to take practical physical steps towards healing.

When and as I see myself  going into thoughts like:  there is no definitive solution/treatment for fine/microcalcifications  ,  I am not capable to discern/choose the ‘right’ path for me to heal,  I am wrong /bad/a coward to not have a ‘stereotactic core needle biopsy’ as it will be too painful (for one reason), that I will ‘pay’ for not doing what the doctors suggests, that there is no other alternative or I will choose the wrong ‘other alternative’, that it is typical of me to not comply to the accepted society norm   I stop, I breathe.  I  realize I am quite capable to investigate this and come up with a treatment plan, I also realize I am not alone in this and have the support of my partner, other Destonians and medical professionals.   Thus I commit myself to take daily steps toward healing, no matter the outcome of the biopsy (as the condition will still remain) so as to stabilize the breasts/not cause further harmful changes in the breasts as I walk within the process of increasing awareness-breath-throughout each day.

 

Please Read:   Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer

From Eqafe :   My Life With Cancer

 

 

Day 290: How You Can Stop Feeling Overwhelmed

stress freestress free 2

Please read the previous post :  Overwhelmed with Information: ‘It’s too much for me to handle’ for proper context to this blog.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think I cannot handle/cope with information, that it is overwhelming me/that I am not competent enough to ‘sort it out’ and come up with a treatment plan for healing my physical body/the ‘fine calcification’ in my breasts.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think/beLIEve/perceive I need to rush/there is not enough time, to do exactly what doctors recommend/the exact treatment they suggest instead of trusting myself to slow down (not too slow-still move forward) and determine what is best for my body.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fearworryanxiety creating stress within my physical body, which would then create the very thing I fear-disease/invasive breast cancer leading to suffering and death-in and around this situation of the fine breast calcifications existent in my physical body.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then -as a result of participating in the fear- create the physical consequence/behavioral changes of cramping, digestive problems, tiredness,headache, sore muscles in upper body and face, teeth aching.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘for every solution I investigate there is a paradoxical problem’ and because I believe I am incompetent, I will not be able to discern/choose the ‘right’ path for me to heal.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am wrong /bad/a coward to not have a ‘stereotactic core needle biopsy’ as it will be too painful (for one reason, I have not cancelled it yet), that I will ‘pay’ for not doing what the doctors suggests, that there is no other alternative or I will choose the wrong ‘other alternative’, that it is typical of me to not comply to the accepted society norm.

To continue

Please Read:   Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer

From Eqafe :   My Life With Cancer
aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjQuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLW5hM3hQUy1zUkdJJTJGVVkzaF94VF9CNkklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUJ2QSUyRnIzcy1YeTJaYnlrJTJGczMyMCUyRmp1c3QlMkJkbyUyQml0LmpwZw==DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

 

Day 289: Overwhelmed with Information ‘It’s too much for me to handle’

information information 2

I have been delving into the vast amount of knowledge and information online concerning the condition of my breasts, being ‘fine calcification’. The concern is DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In-Situ) a condition that is considered stage 0/or pre-cancer, which can become invasive cancer at any given time, they just don’t know.

Uh-oh, I am a typical addict, I tend to overdo/over think things,  fall into extreme thought patterns,  assume the worst, jump in too deep, rush, panic. This of course can lead to many emotional reactions (somewhat understandably) although I am reminding myself that the fear will come and then it is my job-in my awareness - to stop and direct the fear and so me as the fear. This is supporting me quite a bit.  I have now stopped, for the most part, following fear down it’s dreaded path, as it was also making me physically ill (giving cramping and digestive problems/tiredness/headache/sore muscles in upper body and face).

There seems to be no definitive answer where this topic is concerned, for every ‘This is the treatment in this scenario’ there is a ‘NO, don’t do that treatment, it will lead down the wrong path to where you are trying to avoid!’

The first day I was dedicating to investigation, I found several steps, with regards to diet, that I will take but many of them require steps within themselves ie. take the proper amount of magnesium (and D3 and K2) when you take calcium, thus I require to go to a naturopathy and have my magnesium levels checked in my blood. There was so much information I started scribbling down notes, getting messy and felt the panic like ‘there is not enough time/it’s too late‘.

What about thermography? The thermography people say repeated mamograms (intense flattening of the breasts) can end up causing breast cancer!  The mamogram people say it is the safest way and do not think thermography is good enough for a ‘high risk’ patient.  Radiation of course is proven to be a cancer causer but is recommended as treatment after a lumpectomy for woman diagnosed with DCIS!

I found the road to be twisting and turning, full of contradictions and paradoxes. With every ‘answer’ /solution/treatment there seems to be a ‘problem’ and I am circling in my mind.  I have had fine calcifications (they can see from previous mamograms) for 4 years at least so why not then just leave it? Because it can become cancerous, so take it out/remove it, well…that can lead to aggravating the breast and more calcification or other problems occurring!   Even the first step, the biopsy, has problems associated with it.

With a core needle stereotactic biopsy, the one I am suppose to have, some women later develop a cancer which occurs/is present along the needle tracks!  With surgery some women end up developing a lump/tumor at the incision/scar tissue site!  There are many who say no to this procedure altogether, which is often extremely painful, and choose to change their diet/lifestyle and keep a close eye on/watch for any changes in the breast.

find myself racing to find the answer/solution so it is OVER, like ‘I do not want this worry, I’m suppose to be stopping participating in emotions-especially worry/fear NOT having a new thing to fret about, damn!!’

I find myself rushing and racing because I fear I am not smart enough-more specifically- I am not competent/organized/capable to ‘wade through the muck’ (as Randy would say in his awesome post about breast cancer).  I get overwhelmed “it’s too much I can’t do it, I can’t decide what to do, someone choose the right magical answer for me, how do I discern what is best/the right approach here? I am not capable to come up with a treatment plan for myself and I don’t trust doctors to do it for me’   *NOTE:  I realize I have not had my biopsy yet but I can see how I require to make some changes now in my diet/lifestyle/mind-stress so as not to re-create this situation after treatment or alternatively as the treatment. Thus, I require to understand, to the best of my ability, the causes of this micro-calcification so how to either stabilize it/not re-create it/cause it to spread/cause it to become invasive cancer.

To continue

Please Read:   Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer
aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjQuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLW5hM3hQUy1zUkdJJTJGVVkzaF94VF9CNkklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUJ2QSUyRnIzcy1YeTJaYnlrJTJGczMyMCUyRmp1c3QlMkJkbyUyQml0LmpwZw==DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

 

Day 288: Re-Defining the Word ‘Biopsy’

 

aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjEuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLVpITzNHd3B3cWZJJTJGVXBzSW9JcVRqVkklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUN6dyUyRlVOajYtY1FReUdNJTJGczE2MDAlMkZkb3dubG9hZC5qcGc=

BIOPSY

Dictionary Definition: the removal for diagnostic study of a piece of tissue from a living body.

My Definition: A torture I must endure, specifically for the breast biopsy of the kind I am to have, ‘sterotactic core biopsy’, representing a loss of control of my physical body and a personal failure.
Sounding: Bi-Opsy

bye-ooopsy

Explore in Writing: I do not mean to exaggerate and/or get all self-important. My mammogram results appear ‘likely benign/somewhat suspicious’ but they want to be certain, which I agree on and appreciate very much. Still…it is somewhat daunting and frightening, the whole procedure, waiting/learning about. A friend of mine has had this procedure and it proved to be very painful indeed. I googled it (pros and cons to googling anything lol) and found several horror stories and a few that sounded endurable or even ‘fine’. I have experienced extreme pain a few times in my life (natural childbirth and appendicitis), thus I will be asking them for, not just a local but a general anesthetic, OR alternatively, for an option of having a surgical biopsy. If this causes me to be viewed as ‘weak’, I am ok with that, as I realize it is not about being ‘weak’ or ‘strong’ that is important here, I simply have made a decision to respect my body in this way. If I had the money, I would even take it to court, as it sounds like many women suffer greatly when it is unnecessary .

Re-defining the word Biopsy: A medical procedure that I am grateful for, for myself and all other women, to examine breast samples/tissue to determine whether further treatment is required, thus bring the body back to a physical stability, a healthy functioning unit. A calm and gentle procedure, in which I will receive a general anesthetic so be put to sleep or receive conscious sedation thus be awake but in no pain OR a calm and gentle procedure in which I remain with breath, while I receive only a local (freezing) anesthetic and ask to be heard and respected should it be too painful and for them, at that time, to stop the procedure and re-schedule or continue only after I have received the medication my body needs to continue in a comfortable way.

 

Drop The Chains Of The Past

Drop The Chains Of The Past

DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

desteni.org - Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material

eqafe.com - Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection

 

Day 287: Re-Defining the Word ‘Exposed’

aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRmF0cnV0aHNlZWtlcnNqb3VybmV5aW50b2xpZmUuZmlsZXMud29yZHByZXNzLmNvbSUyRjIwMTMlMkYxMCUyRmRpc21pc3NlZC5qcGclM0Z3JTNENjAwcoming together 2

EXPOSED

Dictionary Definition: Left or being without shelter or protection. laid open to view; unconcealed. susceptible to attack; vulnerable.

My Definition: My safe little island of one = ‘me’ is now open to attack, thus I need to protect and defend myself.
Sounding:

Ex – Posed

ex: “out of,” “from,” and hence “utterly,” sometimes meaning “not” or“without” or indicating a former title, status

Pose: to assume a particular attitude or stance, especially with the hope of impressing others to present oneself insincerely

expo: a world’s fair or international exposition/show

Explore in Writing: My ‘face/pose’ I present to the world that: I am ok/don’t need anyone else = don’t feel safe being vulnerable to others/don’t trust others (note: sometimes this is appropriate of course , one must use common sense and discretion) this safe haven is gone? I cannot hide/isolate anymore? I just want my privacy, leave me alone, the world and most of the people in it are nuts/not to be trusted therefore I will hide away safely and quietly ‘just leave me alone, don’t tell me what to do, you have no rightsover me’. I see myself as a young child hiding away from my father, I was the youngest of 4, and I would often witness while he verbally (sometimes physically) abused my siblings.

Re-defining the word ‘Exposed’

LEAVING THE ISLAND AND JOINING OTHERS WITHIN THE PRINCIPLE OF ONENESS AND EQUALITY: Thus, being exposed is an opportunity for me to reach out to others, as parts of myself, as pieces of the same puzzles so finding themissing pieces of myself to heal/put back together again, to become whole, as one and equal 1 + 1 (the equality equation). Whether they be qualities in another that I chose to adopt/add to my living being or perhaps an opportunity to see how I can learn from this person, as in change myself within and/or without–each is a mirror to see myself, for me to ask myself ‘how can I take what this other person is reflecting to me to grow/expand? what have they exposed within me that I now can see, so I canchange/alter/adopt to what is best for all and not just what is best for me on my private island?’

 

Cool Google Hangouts:   To watch and to join in!  You can participate in live hangouts each week, ask questions.

                        Personal Growth: DIP:  https://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniIProcess

A Living Income Guaranteed LIG:  https://www.youtube.com/user/BIGuaranteed

 

eqafe

Day 286: How I Live The Desteni Principles

prin 2 2prin 2The Desteni of Living:  My Declaration of Principle

Here I share my  ‘Desteni of Living’ –  my commitment too apply the following principles and to stand as a living example to others.  In coming blog posts and videos I will be walking each individual Principle and how I am already Living the Example of each Principle and/or How I Walk a Practical Process of Self-Correction and Responsibility to Become the Living Example of each Principle. 

Principal #2. Living by the principle of What is Best for All – guiding me in Thought, Word and Deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all.

I am becoming more aware of my words when I am speaking to others, as in considering them more and realizing what I say/the words I speak can have an effect on another and so it is my responsibility to slow down and consider them in each moment.

I am more aware of:  ‘old tapes’ playing in my mind like thought patterns when they first come up, how I slip into imagination with memories and/or imagined play outs of a situation, how I see something in the physical and connect something from my past-a picture popping up in my mind and then going into thinking.  Thus, I am now being more persistent/diligent (it is not easy)  in stopping the engagement in my mind and instead asking myself, ‘how can i deal with this in the physical, considering all involved?’   For example, I used to go into judgements about my partner and my step-daughter about tidiness and cooking for them, today I stopped this and realized all I require to do is know what to cook and purchase it and prepare it and that is it, simple.  I also remind myself that picking up a few things/putting things away for a few days while my step-daughter is here is not a burden but my privilege.  There are simple solutions to make the little bit of extra ‘housework’ efficient, for example tomorrow night we will go out to a restaurant (I realize we are fortunate we can afford this), another evening I will cook a frozen pizza, so each night is not cooking a large meal with lots of clean up.

I am stopping my reactions, seeing them in real time more and more and not engaging.  An example of this just occurred in a phone conversation with someone who I have had a history of reacting to quite a bit, there was a pattern that unfolded where she did not understand me and I would usually react in alot of energy of defensiveness, frustration, anger, impatience, self-doubt, and then (after I hung up the phone)  blame, guilt, regret but I did not allow it to play out.  As soon as I saw the point where we would start arguing and creating more misunderstandings I was able to top and breathe and remained silent/still for a moment and then very carefully spoke, and clarified the situation.  At that moment, the built up tension dissipated and we could continue on with our conversation in a more relaxed and trusting way with each other.

I am noticing more and more how ‘needing to be liked’ has controlled/directed my thoughts/words and deeds throughout my life.  The character within me is of ‘not good enough’ and inferior.  Thus, I am seeing this come up now in awareness-sooner- and have started to ask myself ‘why do you need them to like you? what is the self-honest/best for all answer/comment/communication in this circumstance? do you really care if they like you? why are you afraid of making a mistake? what do you think this says about you-if you make a mistake?  do you know how to slow down and respond calmly, if you do make a mistake?  do you know how to support yourself when you feel threatened/attacked and simply communicate with another person?’   AND I answer myself/or introspect to determine the answers.  Thus, I am able to start to let this go.  I realize it is not about someone liking or not liking me and NO I actually do not ‘care’ or ‘not care’ it just is what it is, we are not going to be close to all people/feel comfortable with all people and that is ok/cool.

 

principals 3DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

desteni.org - Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material

eqafe.com - Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection

Creations Journey To Life

7 Year Process Blogs

Heavens Journey To Life

Day 285: Solution to Fear of Exposure

empowermentempowerment 2Please read the previous post for proper context to this blog.

From the previous post :  I am facing a number of points within myself around the issue of being told I need to have a breast biopsy. Interestingly, the point I will face today is about ‘exposure’ meaning I really did not want to share this news with anyone (I did tell my sister and daughter). Unfortunately, I was sent to the wrong clinic, for the required procedure, two days ago which has put me in a more difficult position around my idea of ‘keeping it secret’ as now I have to wait for another appointment and face the stress/build up of the waiting again.

Commitment Statements:

When and as I see myself time looping within thoughts and emotional reactions about telling my husband of this situation I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to access what is here in physical reality and stop participation within my mind. I realize anxiety and stressare not supportive to my mind/body/being and serve no purpose but can be harmful. I also understand I prefer to be quiet within myself and do not want to discuss this with him (at this time) as it will not change anything. After the procedure I will tell him if more treatment is needed and/or I would probably tell him anyway, as he will see physical bruising/possible incision etc. Thus I commit myself to stop all such participation within this decision being a dilemma/back and forth inner chatter in my mind, as I will speak to him about this when and as needed.

When and as I see myself going into fear that I will be seen as less valuable a person/woman/wife/partner if I have breast cancer/pre-cancerous condition and require further treatment I stop, I breathe. I make sure to access the physical, out of my mind and back down to earth, I remind myself where I am and what I am doing in reality. I realize my husband is not my father (believing women are inferior), he loves me and is quite understanding/supportive. I also understand I do not control him/his thoughts and if he has some superiority issues/fear issues, it is for me/my responsibility to understand him instead of judge him or go into fear reactions. I also understand each one here is equal in physical reality as substance, if someone thinks otherwise that is a point for them to face, within walking their own process in their lifetime.

When and as I see myself negatively charging the words exposed and biopsy & reacting with fear/stress to the words exposed and biopsy I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to stop participation in my mind and focus on what is physically before me in my day. I realize having a biopsy is very important and I am grateful such a test/procedure exists to identify early stages of problems in the body and so be able to undergo treatment before the condition manifests into something more serious. I also realize ‘being exposed’ is really a preferable way for all human beings to exist here on earth (using common sense of course, it will take many years for us human beings to reach the point where we can live this way safely and effectively ) so each one is the same within (the mind) and without (how they act/behave in the world), no secrets/secret agendas, as in all is out in the open for all to see. I also realize this is a point I am facing and slowly changing within my life/world so that, it does not matter who knows what–as I see it is myreactions/reacting to another person’s reactions/communications that is what concerns me. Thus I commit myself to slowing myself down, so I am aware of how and when my reactions to others manifest/come up within me and thus can control/direct myself effectively in the moment, in a way that considers all involved/is best for all, which includes the other and myself.

 

Cool Google Hangouts:   To watch and to join in!  You can participate in live hangouts each week, ask questions.

2.  A Living Income Guaranteed LIG:  https://www.youtube.com/user/BIGuaranteed
aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjMuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLURwRXBWWmdqU3ZRJTJGVVY1eUh5MlVQeUklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUJpSSUyRlEzYUZxVkV0dExFJTJGczMyMCUyRmJpcnRoaW5nJTJCdG8lMkJsaWZlLmpwZw==DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

Day 284: Fear of Exposure

fear of exposure 2fear-of-exposure

I am facing a number of points within myself around the issue of being told I need to have a breast biopsy. Interestingly, the point I will face today is about ‘exposure’ meaning I really did not want to share this news with anyone (I did tell my sister and daughter). Unfortunately, I was sent to the wrong clinic, for the required procedure, two days ago which has put me in a more difficult position around my idea of ‘keeping it secret’ as now I have to wait for another appointment and face the stress/build up of the waiting again.

I realize if I cannot face this, within my process of writing and self-forgiveness (Journey to Life Blogging) and share it openly, then I am not providing an opportunity to support and assist another who may have to face/or is facing this same situation in their life, so I am not in fact standing as an example of oneness and equality within my life and living. Within that, I am not growing/changing/expanding but indeed hiding, living with secrets in my secret mind instead of simply facing what is here in reality. This is no longer acceptable to me so I will write about a number of fears that are coming up over the next several posts. I realize it is a little scattered. I will also publish/include my two previously private blogs in a future post, as they definitely supported me in reducing fear/stress while I was waiting for the first biopsy appointment-the one that did not happen lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am reacting in fear and looping within thoughts like: If I tell my husband it will make it more real as he will have so many questions and reactions , then I’ll have to worry about his worry/be taking care of him instead of focusing on remaining calm, then I’ll have to be talking about this situation -stirring up my own reactions- instead of having no thoughts and remaining stable with breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am participating within energetic reactions of fear/paranoia/anxiety within thoughts like: I don’t want to expose myself to my husband because he may see me as less valuable as a wife/partner and this could put myself/my future in jeopardy.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to negatively charge the words ‘biopsy’ and ‘exposure’. Within that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an energetic reaction of fear to the words‘biopsy’ and ‘exposure’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in imaginations of comparisons in my mind, of people who have experienced this process of testing (or something similar) and then go into the energies of fear/worry/stress with thoughts like: they will think I am weak as it is only a test and could be benign. So many others have it worse/suffer greatly, they will judge me harshly, see me as inappropriate, weak , stupid so it is better to keep this to myself and just do it, that person does not understand, I was right as I shared with someone and they got me all upset, I tried to share with someone who has been through this procedure and got no response at all, I do not know what is ‘right’/correct in this situation, I wish it would just go away… that is why I do not want to share , it just upsets me and others.’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘I don’t want to tell my husband because it will bug me if he is condescending, I do not want him to see me differently, I do not want him to control me/my life, I do not want to lose control to him, I do not want him to look at me as a burden especially if I earn less money for a time, I do not want him to treat me differently, I do not want him to remind me of this situation all the time, if tell him I will wonder what he is thinking/I will go into imagination and this is the very thing I am trying to change within myself so it is better to not tell him.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘Women are less valuable than men, a woman who is sick is less valuable than a healthy woman’ and to connect this to a memory of my father.

To continue

Cool Google Hangouts:   To watch and to join in!  You can participate in live hangouts each week, ask questions.

2.  A Living Income Guaranteed LIG:  https://www.youtube.com/user/BIGuaranteed

 

eqafeDIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime