Author Archives: sandymacjones

Day 329: Which Character I am Playing this Morning?

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worried-womanI am looking at changing the time it takes me to write out a point to completion, as in it’s taking too long lol! This new approach, not to be less thorough but to be facing myself in self-honestly each and everyday, as what is coming up and either speaking/applying my corrective application or out writing it out. I will examine the most glaring dimensions here and not necessarily all, as in thought/fear/backchat/emotions/body changes/consequences. Sometimes I will look at re-defining a word within the blog.

I am also attempting to get up in immediacy when I wake up each morning, so not starting /downloading the ‘thinking machine’/thought patterns for the day that keep me living in the past!

This morning I got up and had a picture of my neice (actually my nephew’s partner) in my mind, then started the thinking pattern of how I worry about her health and the two of them in general. Tadaa…the worried aunt.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to be unaware of the first pixel- as a picture of X- arising in my mind and then following that picture and making this illusion, which is simply energy based on the past, my reality, so I miss what is actually before me, as I am simply following and reacting to pictures and thus not creating myself/my life as in moving/growing/expanding as a person, but behaving as an organic robot, following a script-as my pre-programmed life path, in this case becoming ‘the worried aunt’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat like, ‘I have to send X that link I found, I hope she doesn’t think I’m interfering, I hope she is ok, Y is under so much pressure, what if he starts drinking too much? There is so much alcoholism in the family, I hope their mortgage isn’t too big, what if they have kids and the pressure is much for them?…’ and connect pictures of other family members.

In this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in imaginations where I come from the starting point of fear, seeing playouts in my mind of the worst possible scenarios, then connecting more emotional reactions of worry, helplessness, hopelessness, some blame of others, and guilt.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to not see/realize/understand that going into these thinking patterns, then imaginations and then the emotional reactions that follow, is useless as it does not change anything, instead it takes me away from this real moment so that I am unable to effectively direct myself here, as how I could support/assist in practical ways, and the fact is their lives are stable right now so I am just occupying my mind with nonsense.

When and as I see myself following my mind down the rabbit hole, within pictures of my relatives popping up in my mind I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself I am only being pre-occupied so as to not fully realize who I am as life here versus who I am as the mind, I already know who I am as the mind/past but I do not know who/all I can be as a fully physical being. I realize I already have context of X and Y’s life and do not need memories to tell me what to do/how to direct myself within my day. I also realize caring does not equal ‘thinking about/worrying about’ and I am here for them if/when they need me. I understand existing in worry is not best for me/best for all and it is no longer acceptable to me to believe this energy as truth, it is not truth, life is truth and life is here, out of the mind. Thus, I commit myself to stop myself at the first pixel/picture coming up, thus stopping the inevitable thinking patterns/imaginings/emotions and harmful behavioral changes (like anxiety/stress in my body) that follow.

 

Day 328: Realizing and Living My Utmost Potential: Self-Awareness

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awarenessthoughtHere I share my  ‘Desteni of Living’ –  my commitment too apply the following principles and to stand as a living example to others.  In coming blog posts I will be walking each individual Principle and how I am already Living the Example of each Principle and/or How I Walk a Practical Process of Self-Correction and Responsibility to Become the Living Example of each Principle. 

7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness:  To be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others.

*I am seeing that I am able to question my self-honestly within points that I look at daily, more often anyway as it is a process, and I’m very surprised at how much I suppress/lie to myself lol.  I then remind myself, within my self-forgiveness, to  ‘come out with it’/get to the point/be straight forward to myself. I am aware that, when I do this any physical discomfort I was experiencing diminishes much more quickly.

*I am aware of self-doubt, self-sabotage thoughts that come up, as they are coming up versus sometime later looking at it.  Most recently I saw thoughts with emotional reactions of doubt, suspicion, judgement, blame around my Desteni process, where I really do not want to write or work on my timelines (Desteni I Process Pro) inline with the agreement I have committed to, so instead question/doubt the validity of the group.  Here, I am faster back to physical –see this deception in my mind as my own pre-programming, living a life where I often have start something excited but then sabotage myself by giving up/quitting and thus remain isolated and stuck in the past.

*I am-more often- able to allow another to talk and be really here/present with them, able to not just listen but hear them, using patience, consideration and kindness, ie hyper owner gift shop, was aware of her need to express herself in that moment, I saw my judgement as it came up, ‘OMG she’s so hyper, does she think I’m stupid, I get it’  and made a decision in that moment to allow her time to get it all out, as she was very anxious/concerned about something and then I saw her in different light, not ‘against me’/lying to me kind of thing but really sincere in trying to assist me to get best value for my money.  As well, I asked myself how would I want someone to treat her if she were my daughter (mother/friend/whatever) and I was able to live the answer into action and stay with my breath.

*I am more aware of my body and not overwhelming myself/going into anxiety about responsibilities whether it be process or heath, telling myself/reminding myself I can only do things one breath at a time and to stay with 4 count breath- in 4 counts/hold 4 counts/out 4 counts/hold 4 counts.  I also find it supportive to not put myself forward in time and frighten myself as in , ‘OMG I’m suppose to live like this, you gotta be kidding’ but just focus on 1 breath, the breath I am taking now.   This is very practical, as I did this when I quit drinking alcohol, just focused on 1 day/24 hours not looking at a lifetime and freaking myself out, lol.  

 

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Day 327: Up and Down: Swinging within Reactions

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anger 2The Nature Of Anger –  Atlantean’s Support :  Part 73

There is a person in my life who has a pattern of being present for awhile and then ‘disappearing’ for a number of months. This is someone I have been concerned about with some health problems. Recently, we made tentative plans to see one another but there came that familiar interruption, as suddenly there is no response to my efforts of communications, it literally just stops. So I let it go, but inevitably, like when I awoke this morning, I experience myself within superiority where I react with anger, judgments, blame and assumptions then I swing to polarity, experience myself as inferior to the situation- like I have no control, by reacting with worry and guilt, where I become the ‘bullying character’ for having talked badly of her in my secret mind.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the fist pixel as a picture of X arising in my mind and think, ‘ X is so unreliable, I’m so frustrated’ and then participate in thinking patterns with backchat like, ‘ I don’t know if I should call or text. I hope X isn’t drinking again. I hope Y doesn’t leave, how would X cope with life alone?’

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to bring the past with me, holding onto memories with opinions, assumptions and judgments of X, all arising from my sub-consciousness into my consciousness, as what I have layered over time in my physical body.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as superior and connecting the emotional reactions of anger, blame, judgement because X did not return my text messages about our plans to get together.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then swing to the polarity of inferiority within the situation around X where I imagine the worst, and react with fear, worry, anxiety  AND where I bully/judge myself -for having judged her- and react with guilt.

In that, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that my emotional reactions are mostly based in self-interest, as how her life/a change in her life situations would effect my life and relationship with X.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that it is my own desire for control, because I do not like how I am ‘feeling’/experiencing myself within fretting about something I cannot change, where I believe I can change a situation/how I am feeling about something, by participating in thoughts and energies of worry about it, but it does not work!  In fact, engaging in my mind of thoughts/emotions just creates anxiety or suppression/an illusion of resolution where I am lying to myself. Whereas, writing it out or speaking it out loud, slows everything down and I can see all the points in reality.

When and as I see myself going into thought patterns about X, where I swing within polarized reactions, from experiencing myself as superior, connecting the emotional reactions of anger and blame TO inferior where I go into guilt and worry for her health and safety I stop, I breathe. I remind myself I am a physical being here and to focus on what is real before me, out of my mind. I realize I do not know all that X is experiencing within her mind/her pre-progamming, thus cannot judge her.  I remind myself to treat her as I would want to be treated, so to stand as an example of stability means to be understanding, kind and patient.  I also realize some people are indeed unreliable and all I can do is be aware of this when we make plans.  I remind myself that even though I desire control in this situation, I do not have control over others but I can allow others to walk their own processes in their lifetime, while not holding onto any expectations, where I can be setting myself up for disappointment. Thus, I commit myself to be patient with X, to continue to be here when she needs me, giving unconditionally not expecting anything in return, simply enjoying sharing/her company when we do get together.

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Day 326: Re-Defining the Word ‘Care’ in Relation to my Children Part 5

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out of the box 2For context to this post,  please see ‘Expanding the Relationships with my Children:  Stuck in a Box’   Part 1 – 4
courageThis interview from Eqafe  Denial: Courage & Self-Honestly  Atlanteans – Part 247   is assisting me in understanding that changing my relationship to how I see/perceive my children -which I can see from the blogs is about, one, my own internal emotions of worry/fear around  ‘losing them’ to accidents or illness &  two, where I label and thus limit  them within definitions based on the past as my own memories-  will be a process over time of self-growth, where I change myself from automatic reactions of fear and denial when I think of my children, to responses of courage and self-honesty naturally emerging form within me !

 

DICTIONARY DEFINITION:

Care:  Noun:  a state of mind in which one is troubled; worry, anxiety, or concern/a cause or object of worry, anxiety, concern

Verb:  to be concerned; have thought or regard, to make provision or look out , to have an inclination, liking, fondness, or affection

MY DEFINITION:   So does care = thinking about = worry?  Are my adult children reduced to nothing more than an experience of worry and anxiety in my mind?
SOUNDING:     care  share
c – are
c = see
are =  I was surprised to find the dictionary   definition  of  ‘are’  is   ‘to be‘   meaning   ‘to exist or live

NEW DEFINITION OF CARE:

To care for my son and daughter is to see them live and exist here, to witness their life and celebrate it with them.  To care for them is to share myself with them and really hear them when they share with me.  To care is to respect my children as life, they are in fact not MY children but beings here on earth as adults now, who came through me.  To care is to live as example of someone they can trust, as they see me living in self-awareness and caring not only for family but the entire world as my/our family.

To care is to be there whenever they wish to talk (if at all possible), and to not react to anything they share but to assist and support them to my utmost potential.  To care is to sometimes ask them about their lives, if/when I see a potential problem where I could assist in some way, and if they say they do not want t discuss something, then  I back off without holding any judgement but letting them know I am here if/when they need me in some future moment.

Finally, to care is to let go of any perceived control I hold within me, where I replace life/living as being present with my awareness with emotions/feelings/thinking patterns and imaginations about my children, within a desire to ‘keep them safe’ as it does not keep them safe in reality, they are human and as such, within the cycles of birth and death that we currently exist as, they will leave this earth, as I will, someday.

 

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Day 325: Expanding the Relationships With my Children: Stuck in a Box 4

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Please read Part 1 – 3 for proper context to this blog.

From the previous post:  Here I am looking at the relationships between myself and my two children, in order to understand certain thought and emotional patterns I have developed toward them. This series and specifically this interview greatly assisted me:  Eqafe Interview: Parenting Part 50:  Sibling Rivalry:  The Gifts,  to realize that this is something I need to investigate and correct within myself, in order for that correction to pool out and into our relationships, to create an environment for growth.

Continuing

THE SOLUTION

Self-Corrective Application and Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself putting my son in a box with words as labels supposedly defining him, where I compare him to other men who have been in my life past or present, and I project my own emotions of anger, fear, worry, anxiety about my life and past onto him, with the excuse ‘I don’t want him to suffer like I did’ or ‘I don’t want him to abuse like X did’ I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to focus on/access what is here in physical reality. I realize he is walking his own process in life and has matured much in the last few years, I have no right to judge him as I do not know all that he is experiencing in each moment, I can practice patience with him as I was much the same with my own parents as I matured in life. Thus, I commit myself to take responsibility for my ownreactions by bringing it back to myself/examining what is coming up in me. I also commit to seeing /interacting with my son genuinely and self-honestly in each moment, no longer carrying the past as memories, within thought and emotional patterns, with me, so allowing our relationship to be unlimited, based on a true love and respect versus based on self-interest, my own desires and fears.

When and as I see myself :  connecting caring to ‘thinking about’ / obsessing as’ worrying about’ my daughter, where I create disaster scenarios in my imagination instead of looking practically at the reality of her life, when I see myself participating in the mind’s design of polarities, specifically  of my son being the ‘difficult artistic one’ within a negative energy charge and and my daughter being the stable, responsible one giving her a positive energy charge in my mind, when I see myself going into anger if she falls from the pedestal I have placed her on/reacts to me in some way I perceive as negative, when I see I am projecting her accomplishments onto  myself/my life in order to make me feel successful through her, I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself I am a physical being and bring my awareness back to what is really here/happening in my day. I realize I did not like it when my parents had certain labels for me/placed me in a box and I cannot actually see/experience my daughter for who she is as a dynamic/changing/growing individual, expressing herself within her own process, if I have a need/desire to see her in a certain way/keep her in a containment because of my own self-definitions and if she changes I have to change! Thus, I commit myself to these ideas go/let her go to freely emerge from the cocoon of childhood into adulthood, as I do not ‘own’ her but was merely the ‘vehicle’ which she came through, into this world.

When and as I see myself connecting loving my children with ‘thinking about’ my children, where I allow myself to fall into imaginations and then thought patterns that bring up the emotions of worry, fear, anxiety and excitement I stop, I breathe.  I remind myself to get out of my mind of illusion and back down to reality. I realize I am able to best support, assist and enjoy my children’s company by practically reaching out to speak with/share with them, making suggestions/communicate /research or plan something of value  versus just being in some energy while I only ‘think about’ them, as this is quite futile. I also understand, when I participate in the negative energy of fear/worry/anxiety in this way and/or I swing to the polarity of expectation/excitement, I do so from the past/memories keeping us all in boxes with pictures and labels I have attached to the words son, daughter and mother. Thus, I commit myself to free all three of us, by opening up these boxes and allowing us to emerge with no definitions/labels as restrictions as the truth of who we are, unlimited beings/life thus birthing the opportunity for all 3 of us to live to our utmost potential.

 

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Day 324: Expanding the Relationships With my Children: Stuck in a Box 3

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box 2box 3Please read Part 1 and 2 for proper context to this blog.

From the previous post:  HereI am looking atthe relationships between myself and my two children, in order to understandcertain thought and emotional patterns I have developed toward them. This series and specifically this interview greatly assisted me: Eqafe Interview: Parenting Part 50:  Sibling Rivalry:  The Gifts,  to realize that this is something I need to investigate and correct within myself, in order for that correction to pool out and into our relationships, to create an environment for growth.

Continuing

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and anger that my son will become verbally abuse to women, where I project my past relationships with men onto him, and thus react to him instead of slowing myself down looking at the point in that moment as what he is experiencing and I am experiencing and directing the point in a stable manner.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to be secretly pleased that my daughter has accomplished some things in her life that I had not, seeing myself as being seen in a ‘good light’, like this reflects well on me/I am vindicated after many humiliations as an active alcoholic/and like I am special because:  she went to a somewhat prestigious university, she has stable female relationships/friendships, she chose a partner who is financially stable, she is highly organized and competent, she is mentally stable, she does not drink much alcohol, she doesn’t seems to take many things as personally as I did (not as fearful of men for example as I was), she has a very cool career ahead of her.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am projecting an idea onto her, within self-interest, and putting her on a pedestal, labeling her ‘box’ with words/phrases like: stable, works so hard, responsible, reliable, so consistent and competent, perfectionist, she’ll be very successful within all areas of life, I don’t need to worry about her and within this, going into comparisons and self-judgements.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a polarized relationship existent within and as me, between my children, where I label one as ‘the difficult and challenging one/the artistic one/how will he ever make it in life?!’ and the other as ‘the successful one/the steady and practical one/the one I don’t need to worry about’.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this is how my parents labelled me as , ‘the one we don’t need to worry about’ and I did not like it , I did at first but then resented it and acted out as an adult to prove them wrong/demand attention almost like ‘I need your attention too!!’ and I actually felt shy/fearful/insecure/alone and very suppressed as a child

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react when she is not perfect, ie. she becomes reactive towards me/is angry with me, and I then react with anger, blame and judgement and spite in my secret mind, ‘she’s not sweet, she’s mean like the rest of them’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess (less so in the last year) that she will befall some accident or illness, and engage in reactions of worry, fear, anxiety, where I go into blaming my ex for her living up north, where the winter driving is dangerous. I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in worries that have little basis in reality, as I create them out of thin air, projecting my past onto her life, with backchat like ‘things could fall apart, you never know, it’s too good to be true’, and ‘she’s too sweet and naive, I’m afraid she will get hurt, I’m afraid she will be taken advantage of’.

In that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am not considering what is real, as in really happening /occurring in her life, which is fine, as I am blinded by fear of loss (which has a starting point of self-interest) and angered by lack of control within their adulthood. It is seldom that I simply, peacefully think of my daughter or son without some worry popping up.

So does care = thinking about = worry?

Are my adult children reduced to an experience of worry/anxiety in my mind?

To continue

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Day 323: Expanding the Relationships with my Children: Stuck In A Box! 2

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mother and childrenPlease read the previous post for proper context to this blog.

From the previous post:  Here I am looking at the relationships between myself and my two children, in order to understand certain thought and emotional patterns I have developed toward them. This series and specifically this interview greatly assisted me: Eqafe Interview: Parenting Part 50:  Sibling Rivalry:  The Gifts,  to realize that this is something I need to investigate and correct within myself, in order for that correction to pool out and into our relationships, to create an environment for growth.

I can see, from writing out my thought patterns, that in order to expand these relationships/connections I need to stop basing my interactions with my children by using my mind, meaning using memories as the starting point of our communication.  To do this, I must bring myself to awareness and so give myself the opportunity to be authentic in each moment with them versus scripted and dictated by the past, all of us in small, confining, limiting boxes!   I must transform the energy connections (emotions and feelings) to an actual living expression.

An interesting point here is I used to judge my mother for doing this, in my secret mind mostly, how she would speak about my brother in a particular way and I would always feel compelled to defend him.  She seemed to be comfortable with certain labels/boxes about people and she really stuck to them throughout her entire life. Often, I would try to share with her how a certain person/myself had changed and, though she would not argue the point, she would be back to speaking in the same manner soon after.  I can see I do this as well and it is no longer acceptable to me.  It is true, ‘the sins of the father/mother’ are passed down, generation after generation, unless we wake up to how we are living within our every thought, word and deed!

Note:  These are the  points I require to address here in order to correct my personal behavior, to release all of us from the emotional and feeling energy connections, that exist in my mind, so I can share myself genuinely as a parent and person with my adult children going forward.  As such, they do not define my children but indeed myself, as the words I am currently living.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to put my son in a box with certain words as labels I use to define him such as:  difficult, slow, mean, bully, just like his dad, just like my dad, typical of a man, irresponsible, weak, & naive within myself as emotional and feeling connections/reactions of love, fear, worry, anxiety, blame, and judgement.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that these words as definitions came from within me and so exist in and as me-spot it you got it-and I am as such to a large extent projecting my emotions based on my life experience/past memories-onto my son.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect love with fear, specifically fear of loss of what my children represent/how they define me-give me purpose in life/enjoyment-company in self-interest AND to connect caring with ‘thinking about’, as I am remaining with more awareness throughout my day I am ‘thinking about’ my children less and so react with worry, fear and anxiety that this means I don’t love/care for them as much as I used to, instead of simply enjoying the act of planning something we could do together by writing or investigating in physical reality and practicality, or reaching out and calling/texting them.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thinking patterns and backchat  (see Part 1) about my son over and over again, talking shit behind his back or in my secret mind, until a very set/specific ‘picture’/idea/definition of him exists within and as me,  to the point that I am not even aware that I am participating in it, and to the point where his sister and another person, mentioned it to me. When in actual fact, much of how I see him has changed/matured/grown over the last few years and he is quite a stable, respectful, considerate, and becoming a more responsible young man.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my son to his sister, his father, his grandfathers and define my son according to my own memories of these 3 men.

To continue

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