Day 302: Suppression: Energy Effects: Superiority and Spite

superiority 2 superiorityAfter listening to the Atlantean Eqafe Interview:  Suppression: Energy Effects I found a memory which contains alot of emotional energy, spite and anger, that I need to face.

A neighbour of mine, who I had not met before, asked me the status of the house beside hers. The house had recently sold and was now empty and had belonged to a friend of mine. I noticed when this woman spoke to me she was not friendly but just interested in information, she seemed full of fear and anxiety because she did not want a monster home built beside her small home. I told her a builder had bought the home and was going to tear it down and re-build…but wait! The interview asks that I look at the memory for what really happened and not how I have ‘built it up in my mind‘, as each time we hang on to emotional reactions within a memory, the energy/emotions get layered inside of us and thus grow/intensify, so when I access the memory again it has all this additional charge in it, more and more as time goes on and this can change how I see what actually happened, in fact change the images/imaginations that come up in my mind so that the memory is not accurate at all! From the above link, ‘The memory can get fueled and charged so much that it can overwhelm/overtake/possess you.’

The memory that I want to examine is what occurred next, I went into my friend’s backyard (of the house she just sold) which is right beside this woman’s house. I was there with my dog Pika and Pika was just sniffing around. The woman came out into her backyard and started talking with an angry tone saying things like I should not be there, my dog might poo, I replied I had permission to check out the property and I had a dog bag. But she went on, I better not let my dog get into her yard and poo, I said there is a fence, well Jack Russell’s can dig and get under fences, I wouldn’t like that, that happened once….she went on for a while, very defensive/protective, very angry tone. I thought she was rude and mean. I simply said ‘have a nice day’ but I wanted to say ‘have a nice fucking day, psycho lady’. It upset me greatly but I looked at it and applied self-forgiveness and calmed down.

However, whenever I walk by her house now, or when I see her and/or her husband, the backchat starts, the imaginations start and I feel the emotional energies taking me over. I just want to spite her/get revenge for how rude and mean she was to me that day.

Interestingly, when I looked at this memory just now, the emotion that came up was superiority!

So, at the time I had thoughts like, ‘she’s so mean and unfriendly, she’s so fearful’ and also ‘how can I assist her?’ but I imagined saying something with spite hidden in it -so not really self-honestly supporting her but spiting her like, ‘I suggest you examine your fear and anger or it will harm you one day/eat away at you/come back and bite you’

And then looking at the memory today thoughts came up ‘she’s an idiot’ ‘i just want to put her in her place!’ with the emotion of superiority.

To continue

 

Day 301: Fear of Conflict: Detox Gone Wrong 2

detox 3detox 4So, I went and spoke with the person who gave me the detox and I did not get angry and react!  Neither did I ‘lay down’ but asked questions and we basically explored my situation together.  He explained-as does the info from the previous blog-it was my own toxicity that was poisoning me -making me severely ill.  It could also be a reaction to Msm (a heavy metal detox agent which contains sulpher/sulpha and I had an allergic reaction to sulpha as a child) or chlorella (a plant algae similar to spirulina).  I had wanted these 2 substances included to assist in detoxing/breaking down the calcification in my breasts.

I will  make this a 7 day detox versus the original plan of a 3 day detox.  He has made a few suggestion and I am adding fiber to my detox.

The lesson for me here is to slow down, this has been a major theme throughout my life, but at the same time keep moving.  Easy does it  but DO IT !  Do not ‘throw out the baby with the bathwater’ living in polarities/extremes, it is cool to start slow and build gradually.  I did try to begin slow by having the contents of these drinks at only 50% potency however it is clearly not enough.

I no longer feel  taken advantage of or that I have wasted my money. I am able to let go of blame and rather work with another toward a solution.  This is something new to me, no need to judge myself or another harshly, instead look and see how what we had originally planned can be altered/changed to suit my needs and my body so that I am able to do the detoxing without throwing up/being completely immobile with migraines.

See the problem and then look for/focus on solutions.

When and as I see myself assuming the worst, when something does not go as I had planned I stop, breathe.  I realize when we are doing something that is new to us, often there are unexpected occurrences that arise. Thus I commit myself to slow down when approaching new endeavors, focusing on what is before me and sticking with practical-physical solutions with each step so as to not fall into the trap of reacting to the unexpected.

When and as I see myself approaching an issue from the starting point of fearing money  I stop, breathe.  I remind myself this worry and fear is useless/does not change the facts of the situation.  I see that I am financially stable and usually make careful financial decisions and that this was not a significant amount of money. Thus I commit myself to stick with reality when looking at money and not exaggerate/go into extreme thinking inside my mind.

When and as I see myself fearing conflict, specifically when I require to speak to someone about a situation I stop, I breathe.  I realize much of my fear comes from imaginations inside my own mind prior to meeting up with the person and so I remind myself to focus on what is before me in the physical.  I also see that my ‘voice’/ability to speak up in a self-responsible/stable way has improved over the years and significantly improved now I am walking the Desteni I Process.   Thus I commit myself to stop conjuring up images in my mind, creating my own fear, prior to meeting with someone to talk things over.

When and as I see myself going into reactions of anger and blame, and thus diminishing another while making myself superior, I stop, I breathe.  I realize to attempt to make myself ‘feel better’ by making someone else ‘less than’ in my mind is unacceptable.  I remind myself to feel my feet on the ground and that I am a physical being here. I understand that emotional reactions to do solve anything but only add energy/fuel to the fire of the mind.  Thus I commit myself to stop engaging in reactions of blame and anger and look for solutions when an unforeseen event occurs.

When and as I see myself participating in reactions of  inferiority and self-victimization  I stop, breathe.  I realize I am only inferior and a victim if I choose to be.  I remind myself I am not a little girl but a woman who has proven to herself, through living actions over time, that I am capable to use my voice and can use it in a stable, responsible way that serves what is best for all and not just me, in self-interest.    Thus I commit myself to stop participating withing dramatizing  the past, bringing a character into the present based on memories, one who is frozen by self-doubt/feelings of ‘less than’  and constantly self-sabotages/victimizes herself.  I commit myself to just being me here, with breath and the physical, free to express myself moment to moment.

forgive yourself2DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

 

Day 300: Fear of Conflict: Detox Gone Wrong

detox

Yesterday I started a juice detox with a local guy who owns an organic juicing/supplements store. It was an aggressive 3 day detox-the only kind he offers, juice with detox supplements added in-but for me he made it half the strength/potency of the regular mixture. I thought that sounded reasonable and I understood there would be some discomfort, depending on how toxic my body was.

Obviously, it was waaaaay to potent for me and/or I am very toxic. Midway through the first day I had a headache and felt tired, which I figured was normal and ok. But then at about 4pm, after I had had the 4th detox drink/concoction I got what I guess is a migraine headache -nausea; hemicrania- it was severe/intense. I could not move-for hours!! I kept thinking I am doing something good for myself and should not give up. I was judging myself as weak and a ‘wimp’ and hour after hour, as I got more weak and nauseous and exhausted, I had to focus/breathe moment to moment to cope with the severe pain in my head.

By 9:30 pm, when my husband had just got home from work, we thought I should go to the hospital and then I began to vomit. I threw up alot, much of the mixture/medicinal drinks came up. The headache subsided, although I was still very ill. This morning I can see I am still very very weak, nauseous and generally ill. I have stopped the detox.

See explanation below, I was eating some fibre-salad at lunch and the program called for veggies at dinner, problem was I was so ill with the migraine and nausea by dinner, I could only manage a few bites.

Sometimes feeling like you’re poisoned means you are actually being poisoned:   why-your-detox-is-making-you-sick-the-dangers-of-aggressive-detoxing

All this helps explain why drinking nothing but fiber-less juice {i.e. “juicing detox”} during an aggressive supplement detox can be disastrous. If you aren’t eating fiber during your detox, what you are really doing is:
1.  Collecting all the heavy metals, toxins and poisons from your body’s cells, tissues and organs.
2.  Concentrating them in your liver {and bile}.
3.  Dumping them back into your small intestine all at once where they can now cause acute toxicity and poisoning.

This is all made even worse when the detox supplements you’re taking are more effective at pulling toxins out of your body’s tissues because then your liver is concentrating more heavy metals into bile and dumping them into your intestines. In effect, your body is concentrating the toxins, making them even more dangerous than they were before.

Obviously, it was poisoning me and my body wanted this substance OUT of me. Although, I still want to detox my body, I will take a MUCH slower and gentler approach. The thing is, I paid over $200 Canadian dollars for this detox and I would like a refund and/or credit.

Although, I have worked through some of my fear of confrontation, I still have fear coming up as I imagine going in and speaking with the man who sold me this detox package. I can see he is knowledgeable and sincere in his wanting to assist people back to health, however this program he put together for me was dangerous for me and in fact poisoning me for sure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume the worst, within speaking to someone in which a conflict could arise. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come from the starting point of fear of money, thinking I have wasted 200+ dollars and will not get a refund/credit.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into negative thinking patterns/extreme thinking, leading to reactions of fear/worry/anxiety, that there will be conflict when I speak to the owner of the juice bar. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I am not good in these situations, I am too soft and get taken advantage of or my approach is too hard and an argument ensues. And I always end up feeling full of self-doubt, blaming the other person or going into guilt and self-blame.’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and blame toward the store owner in and around this detox situation: anger because I have wasted alot of money on this detox, and blame, that it is his fault that I can’t follow through because he made the drink/mixtures too strong/intense which is causing my body to react with severe illness.

I forgive myself for not realizing that when I react in anger and blame, I am diminishing the store owner-making him inferior- while I making myself superior to him – in my own mind- within total self-interest because it makes me feel better about my decision to do this detox.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react with inferiority and self-victimization, which came out as fear, anger and blame toward’s the store owner because I think I cannot make a decision well on my own, I believe I get taken advantage of because I am not that smart and I let fear make quick decisions for me (sometimes not always) and thus I may loose all my money one day.

To continue

forgive yourself2

DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

 

Day 299: Releasing Lethargy From Within You: 3

lazy 2lazy 3Please read the previous 2 posts, starting with an introduction to this blog series on Overcoming Lethargy .

From the intro:  I have been listening to the Eqafe  Series on Lethary.   I highly recommend this audio series.  Lethargy Dictionary Definition:  The  quality or state of being drowsy and dull, listless and unenergetic, or indifferent and lazy; apathetic or sluggish inactivity.  An abnormal state or disorder characterized by overpowering drowsiness or sleep.  Oh boy, that`s been me for years. I have used lethargy as a justification-excuse to bow-out, hide, escape my life, well… always.

When and as I see myself thinking, ‘Oh I’m so tired, I just want to lie on my bed and sleep for awhile. I’ll do this later’  I stop, I breathe.  I realize that  it is just a thought and I do not need to ‘stay’ with it/follow it, by doing so I am stopping the continuous participation of going into the lethargy experience.  Thus, I commit myself to bring my awareness back to what is before me in physical reality and continue with the task at hand and simply move to get things done.

When and as I see myself accessing the lethargy experience, daily/mid-day when I have to face tasks that I define as ‘alot of effort/difficult’  I stop, I breathe.  I  remind myself the effects of this experience on me and my physical body is creating a heaviness, that burdens my being and body, and that accumulates over time,  making it more difficult for me to ‘snap out of it’.  Thus I commit myself to stop and bring my awareness back to earth/ground myself-my being and continue with my daily responsibilities.

When and as I see myself falling into such a burdening experience within myself I stop, I breathe.  I  remind my self to step back, step out of it and for a moment understand it rather than completely falling into it and becoming it .  Thus I commit myself to get immediately back to breath awareness/focus on the physical I see before me out of my mind of energy.

When and as I see myself falling into and becoming this lethargy experience I stop, I breathe.  I realize that  every single time -over time-I allow the lethargy experience to possess me it starts building up inside of me and my body and accumulates into this heaviness and I allow myself to become sleepy and tired and just want to escape with lying down, then I do not have the determination/self-will to accomplish tasks and daily responsibilities and I am not living as the directive force/principle of me/life and certainly not to my utmost potential.   

living words 3DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

Day 298: Overcoming Lethargy 2: Walking A Release Process

lazy 4lazy 5Please read the previous post, which is an introduction to this blog series on Overcoming Lethargy .

From the intro:  I have been listening to the Eqafe  Series on Lethary.   I highly recommend this audio series.  Lethargy Dictionary Definition:  The  quality or state of being drowsy and dull, listless and unenergetic, or indifferent and lazy; apathetic or sluggish inactivity.  An abnormal state or disorder characterized by overpowering drowsiness or sleep.  Oh boy, that`s been me for years. I have used lethargy as a justification-excuse to bow-out, hide, escape my life, well… always.

From the Eqafe Interview Lethargy self-forgiveness:  Ask yourself these questions:   What am I experiencing?  What is this doing to me/my being?  What is it doing to my body?  How is it changing me?  How is it changing my relationship to other people?  *you can bring up a memory in your mind if need be

To release the lethargic energies within you, say self-forgiveness outloud,  use a stable voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access the lethargy experience, daily/mid-day when I have to face tasks that I define as ‘alot of effort/difficult’, without not seeing/realizing and understanding the effects of this experience on me and my physical body as being heavy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘Oh I’m so tired, I just want to lie on my bed and sleep for awhile. I’ll do this later.’

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand the extent to which this lethargy experience has burdened my being and my body with a heaviness.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand how it is that I had created this heaviness within me and my body by continuously going into the lethargy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do this unto me and my physical body.

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to, when  I have such burdening experiences within myself, for a moment step back, step out of it and for a moment understand it rather than completely falling into it and becoming it .

I forgive myself that I havn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand how every single time -over time-I have fallen into and become this lethargy experience, how it started building up inside of me and my body and now had accumulated into this heaviness.

To continue

 

Day 297: Lethargy: How Can You Change Lethargy into Active Living

lethargic 3lethargicI have been listening to the Eqafe  Series on Lethary.   I highly recommend this audio series.

Lethargy Dictionary Definition:

The  quality or state of being drowsy and dull, listless and unenergetic, or indifferent and lazy; apathetic or sluggish inactivity.
An abnormal state or disorder characterized by overpowering drowsiness or sleep.

Oh boy, that`s been me for years. I have used lethargy as a justification-excuse to bow-out, hide, escape my life, well… always.
I remember as a girl, during high school years, when the alarm would go off, I did not want to get out of bed. I always felt tired in the morning and I did not
want to face the day.
That continued into university days and then when I was working in sales in my twenties. There was rarely a time when I would just get up without thought or a `looking forward`to what the day would bring.

Then came my children and getting up during the nights for feeding or taking care of a young child who had woken for whatever reason. So a number of years of interrupted sleep. By the time it was morning I never really felt fully rested. I got in the habit of having a nap in the afternoons, which did support my body.

This is something that is healthy, to rest half way through the day (not necessarily sleep) and something I now incorporate into my day and am fine with.
However, I have abused this resting-napping mid day to avoid-postpone responsibilities and that is no longer acceptable to me.

There was also a number of years, when my children were growing up-5 to 15 yrs old, when I found myself as a single parent unable to cope with life on an emotional, physical and financial level and I used alcohol. Of course, when one is hung over, the body is depleted and I would sleep alot during the day -during the weeks my kids were with their dad, which was every other week for some years. I was in a terrible, hopeless cycle of lethargy-depression in which I would use alcohol to `pick me up-get moving`and then having to `recover`by sleeping alot the following day and then purchasing another bottle-at least- to stop all the frightening thoughts coming up in my mind bombarding my being ad nauseum for 10 years.

What a bloody waste of time! After I was able to `put the plug in the jug`for good (sober 10 years now) I had to face my life for real and it was not pretty.
I stayed sober by buying into the idea of a `higher power-god`who loved me and beLIEving there was a reason why I had fallen into this mess, a higher purpose, if you will.

The idea of god just was not doing it for me overall and I still felt this heaviness-even a few hours after getting out of bed- so I would succumb to the temptation of falling into bed day after day, a coma-like state -like a death really, not moving, not growing or expanding myself as a human being, not giving to my world, just getting by, `at least I`m sober`I would tell myself.

After gaining some stability financially, emotionally and physically I began searching the internet for answers to the meaning of: my life, all of humanity and indeed all of existence.
I had always been a `seeker`buying this spiritual book or that health book, quantum physics, meta physics, whoever was the guru or scientist of the month I would buy his-her book. I would gobble up ideas like `the power of now`and `the law of attraction `and videos like `what the bleep do we know`. Some of this information is very cool and has validity but again I was left without substantial answers. It all seemed wishy washy to me, full of hope and supposed love and light. Where was this love and light on earth, if it was so powerful and real why can`t humanity GET IT! It was elusive and cloudlike with a sprinkle of magic.

Then I came upon Desteni!! Finally, support that made sense to me. Only problem was-is I am fully programmed into my cop-out approach to life and have faced massive postponement & resistance to the Desteni I Process and blogging. Although I have made much improvement, the lethargy program still exists in and as me. So this is cool to face, using the Desteni tools of writing, self-forgiveness and walking a corrective application to rid myself of this apathy, which is really a FEAR OF LIFE , so I can truly reach and live my utmost potential as a human being with the breaths I have left!

Day 296: Realizing and Living My Utmost Potential: Principle #3

living wordsin and outThe Desteni of Living

 Here I share my  ‘Desteni of Living’ My Declaration of Principle–  my commitment too apply the following principles and to stand as a living example to others.  In coming blog posts and videos I will be walking each individual Principle and how I am already Living the Example of each Principle and/or How I Walk a Practical Process of Self-Correction and Responsibility to Become the Living Example of each Principle. 

Principle #3: Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa.

1. I was out for dinner with my husband and in a conversation, where I would usually react to something he said OR become robotic/suppress my reaction and respond in a manner I think I should/destonian like lol, I was able to express myself in a way that was passionate/get my point across strongly, without using energy/becoming angry or shouting/increasing volume. Interestingly, I find often my partner mirrors my behavior, as he did this time, we did not escalate into an argument but remained respectful of each other and calm, heard each others points and left it at that. Neither of us was trying to ‘outdo’ the other/be ‘right’/get in the last word kind of thing, as we have in the past-for years!

2. I am no longer looking at my Desteni I Process (mind construct) as homework/a burden/something I have to or should do/an obligation but living the realization: it is for me to heal me-face who I have become and make the changes necessary to become/livewhat is best for all. I am approaching the self-forgiveness within self-honesty and not something ‘to get through’/that is overwhelming and thus suppressing what is actually behind all the postponement-the points I should be tackling/healing, but simply unfolding it in the moment, meaning asking myself questions like : what do I see here, why, where did that come from, what is the core of the emotion/thought here? So looking at the problem and answering/finding the solutions within the self-forgiveness. I am finding, while it is more writing surprisingly, it actually takes less effort (energy) and time than all the mind interference, as in thoughts and emotions (guilt/dread) that go along with postponement lol.

3. I stopped participation in a reaction of jealousy when looking at pictures from my daughter’s wedding, on her facebook page-almost immediately-and re-defined ‘L’s wedding’ : it was an awesome/enjoyable event, not about me. I was able to turn my attention and focus from indignance like, ‘humph…where am I in these pictures?’ to enjoying the pictures for what they are in Reality/physically; a record/image of an event that was joyful and meaningful to many :)

So I can see myself changing, more in the moment/as it occurs or shortly afterwards, from existing as only self-interest ‘what about me?!’ attitude into ‘how can I assist and support another/what can I offer/give in this situation?’ which is more in-line with what I say I would like to be/who I am/ who I aspire to be.