Day 271: I Have Been Avoiding This…

avoid 3avoid

Avoid =  A  Void

Dictionary Definition:  Void:  without contents; empty useless; ineffectual; vain.devoid; destitute, a gap or opening, as in a wall. a vacancy; vacuum.

So if I am allowing a void to exist in my mind, by avoiding/not facing certain issues, I am essentially saying to my mind, ‘oh, hey, here ya go, I’m not doing anything with this thought so you can take it and run with it’ and so abdicating any responsibility to what comes up in my own mind!

After listening to the Eqafe interview  Great Expectations: Reptilians Part 286   I can see I have been postponing/avoiding facing certain points, that I have defined within me,  as ‘too big/difficult’ to even begin to look at.  Thus, I continue to  suppress them/put them off into some future imaged time where I say to myself ‘I will look at this later, it’s too involved/complicated, I really don’t have the time today’.  So I walk through my day with all sorts of resonant mind thoughts/energies buzzing around inside of me.  These energies actually have dimensional lines extending out from our bodies into our world and our lives and can influence/effect events and play outs in physical reality!  Therefore, it is imperative that they  be resolved/diffused within us.  So I will look at these issues here and begin the process of clearing them so I may stabilize my mind, my body and so my life, as well as stabilizing how I effect others and the environment I am in contact with.

Most of the issues have the starting point of fear, looking at myself/my life from the outside -in separation-like ‘it’s me against the world’.  Instead of looking first within, asking myself  questions like ‘what is going on inside of myself?  How can I address this  issue most effectively to bring about a solution that works for all involved?’   There is a very cool Eqafe interview that talks about his very issue: Guns and Fear:  Death Research:  Part 6   I highly recommend listening to it.

I will continue to open up these points in more detail in posts to come, but for this moment, it is a start so- when these issues arise in my mind- I am not leaving these thought/fears/imaginings in a VOID running around wild in my mind/controlling how I behave /who I am throughout my day but instead I am creating a plan-a corrective action/application statement- ready to be lived/applied on a daily basis.  This corrective statement will eventually replace the fear with stability as it becomes my new ‘who I am’ within each of these issues.  Thus, I am directing myself/my mind/my life in awareness here,  no longer allowing myself to simply react to life, things happen to me-and I then react but becoming the directive principal of life, as in the process of directing /moving /acting in self-responsibility in each moment throughout my day.

Fear of Car Accidents/Crashes

Fear of family alcoholism

Inferiority/Insecurity  with Authority Figures 

Inferiority/Insecurity Relatives/Peers

Fear of  Cancer

Fear of Being a Leader

Shopping and Finances

to continue in the next post

eqafe

 DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
desteni.org - Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material
eqafe.com - Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs.

 

Day 270: Beyond Blame Part 4

no blame 2no blameFor proper context to this blog please read the Part 1 Part 2 and Part 3 :  After listening to the Eqafe Interview:   Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past… what is resonating in the background is direct blame and anger for many years of struggle

When and as I see myself going into thought patterns, which bring up memories and then suppressing emotions of anger related to blaming my ex for my financial and mental struggles after we separated, I stop and breathe. I remind myself I knew on several levels he did not want to be in a committed relationship with me before we were married, that he and I did the best we could/were capable of at that time, that he did not force me to drink or isolate after our marriage I did that myself, he cares about me even to this day and I care about him.  In that, when and as I see myself participating in self-blame, within memories of when I ignored and then suppressed all the warning signs that my ex was not an appropriate partner for me to enter into a marriage with , I stop and breathe. I realize blaming myself is self-sabotaging and does not change the past.  I commit myself to stop all such blame of my ex and myself for the events that followed our marriage break-up.  I commit to focus on what is real in our lives today and deal with issues (regarding our children), as they arise, in a practical and calm manner.

When and as I see myself going into fear of conflict with my ex today and then suppressing thoughts and emotions , I stop and breathe. I remind myself that I am not always going to get the response I desire, as my ex will respond according to his own ideas and ways of doing things. Therefore, I will support myself by-if I see a reaction has come up within me- leaving it and not judging him/having expectations and then reacting in disappointment or- if there is no movement within me = I am stable- I will respond self-honestly using a calm/stable voice, within what is here in the moment, reality to facilitate a solution that is best for all involved. I thus commit to change me.

When and as I see myself participating in the entire playout/scenario: where I go into blaming backchat, then the emotions arise , imaginations where I re-play and change the past so ‘feel better’ about myself OR memories and then the inevitable body stresses that ensue , I stop and breathe. I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical. I make sure I assess whatever is going on in the present as a physical reference, as what is a practical in the moment, and not an energy reaction based on the past or belief about myself or a judgement/opinion of another. I realize/remind myself my ex and I were not equipped with the necessary life tools to communicate effectively when we were married. I also realize I had a need to control him during our marriage (and when we were dating) because of unresolved issues from my childhood, I now understand I could not face my own fears of him rejecting me and so suppressed them, in self-interest not considering what would be best for him/both of us. I no longer allow energies tocontrol my decisions and communications and commit to the process of dealing with life‘s issues self-honestly in the moment, not allowing myself to go into fear and then suppression. Thus, I simply allow myself to continue with my own self-responsibility and delete reactions as I realize that building up blame and anger in the face of repeated patterns only frustrates me.

When and as I see myself creating a consequential outflow of upsetting my children/ex and then stressing relationships in and around this issue, I stop and breathe. I make sure I am staying in the reality of this here moment and not going into the past as memories. I realize I would react the same way if someone was criticizing/attacking one of my parents, they have heard it all before, they are sick and tired of my ‘poor single mom stories/role. I remind myself how important my relationships are, how I want to build trust so I am able to support and assist my children and ex (and they for me) and enjoy their company and not the opposite. Thus, I commit myself to treating my children and my ex as I would want to be treated -with respect as an equal and one being here- and commit to the process of changing me.

 

diplDIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
desteni.org - Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material
eqafe.com - Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs.

Day 269: Blame: It’s All Your Fault 3

blame exblame ex 2For proper context to this blog please read the Part 1 and Part 2 :  After listening to the Eqafe Interview:   Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past… what is resonating in the background is direct blame and anger for many years of struggle

Continuing Walking the Corrective Process:

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘I would have stayed in the marriage, I am loyal, it’s his fault we broke up and everything that happened to me after is his fault.’ 

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to come from the starting point of blame even today, experiencing myself as a victim and helpless within the blame like, ‘if I stand up to him/speak up he will bully me and I can’t win so I must be silent like my mom was with my dad’ Thus, I hide/suppress whatever it is I wanted to communicate creating a build up of energies in the form of resentment toward him. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of fearing conflict, just as I did as a child with my dad.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in backchat throughout the years we have been divorced and the children have been growing up like, ‘Well, if you had only been a responsible partner/parent we wouldn’t be in this mess/we would have the money to pay for that. I told him that years ago and now here it is so it’s not my problem. If he had only done what I said this would not be an issue today. Oh big surprise, now our children have to deal with this. How could I have married him. I can’t believe I married him, now look at this mess…’ 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotional reactions of: superiorityinferiority, self-pity, self-victimization, judgement, guiltfear, and angerresentment in and around this issue.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into all sort of imaginings re-playing the past to have me ‘come out ahead’/the victor, specifically imagining standing up to him when we first separated so I would receive enough moneyto purchase a home, standing up to him when he wanted to go to court regarding child custody (that worked out well as we went to counceling/family therapy and worked out an agreement-no court no fighting), standing up to him when he would come home late, leaving him years earlier, leaving him before we were married. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe I am right and he is wrong, when it does not matter but to work together to solve issues-inphysical reality- is what matters, understanding that we did not have the ability to communicate with each other effectively the years we were together, is what matters. 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, from these energy reactions, create stress in the form of tension/tightening the muscles in my back, solar plexes, stomach, neck and face creating pain and aching, causing me to unaware hold my breath and then breathe shallow.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to create the consequence of family conflict in the present when an issue/discussion comes up and I voice my blame of my ex, to him or my children, then they react defensively and an argumentensues. A consequential outflow of this is that all of them, my ex and my children they have less trust in me and are less willing /likely to be ok with building intimacy/communicating openly about things to me, as they see me as reactive -so it destroys futureopportunities to support and assist my family.

To Continue

DIP Lite Banner-01Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where one is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Day 268: Blame: Stop Blaming and Start Taking Responsibility? 2

Self-Responsibilityself-responsibility (1)For proper context to this blog please read the previous post:  After listening to the Eqafe Interview:   Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past.  In fact the point I missed, within my taking self-responsibility for what occurred, was MY VERY STARTING POINT!  The mind is tricky. I say this because when I think about this person from my past with my conscious mind, what comes up is a feeling of liking and acceptance with a slight amount of regret/frustration but what is resonating in the background is direct blame and anger for many years of struggle

Walking the Corrective Process:

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my anger and blame towards my ex for what happened after we split up.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve my ex was the indirect cause of my alcoholism, mental illness and financial struggles for about 10 years after we split up.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact that I ignored all the warning signs that indicated he would not be a stable partner to have children with, that he would not be a suitable partner for me when we were opposites in that I enjoyed the home life and he enjoyed staying out late/n the city life, that he would not be a financially stable partner to purchase a home with, that he would not be a stable partner to carry the financial load when I had children and so I would have to continue working full time when we had a family, that he would not be a suitable partner if I wanted a monogamous marriage & that he would not be a suitable partner for me if I wanted responsible/no use of drugs and alcohol in the home.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex for who and how he was during our marriage, when I knew this before we married. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex that he was not honest with me when we got married, `never thought it would be forever` when I was deceptive within my starting point of marry him under false pretensesmeaning I did not love/accept him for who he was but an ‘idea’ in my mind of him as someone he would become; responsible/stable/committed/reliable and I did not share this openly with him but kept it in my secret mind of desires.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control my ex throughout our entire relationship and not just let him go, seeing in common sense, if I wanted so much to change about him, he was not a practical partner for me to be in a relationship agreement-marriage with.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to desire-need my ex to be a certain way as in a `the nice guy-good guy` when we were together because I felt incomplete, broken inside due to my own childhood and wanted my ex to fix it by re-living and thus re-creating my past, this time with a man who treated me well (kind-loving-respectful-attentive), and this was in direct opposition to my role within the marriage and the face I presented to the outside world as `the strong one-the together wife with the troubled husband`.

To Continue

dipl

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where one is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

Day 267: Blame: How Could I Have Missed This?

blame 2blame

After listening to the Eqafe Interview:   Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past.  In fact the point I missed, within my taking self-responsibility for what occurred, was MY VERY STARTING POINT!

The mind is tricky. I say this because when I think about this person from my past with my conscious mind, what comes up is a feeling of liking and acceptance with a slight amount of regret/frustration but what is resonating in the background is direct blame andanger for many years of struggle

I am referring to my ex-husband and although the interview suggests that one face points of blame privately, I feel confident he would be cool with me investigating and taking responsibility for our marriage, in this manner.

One of the areas the interview focuses on, within blame is to look at the situation from the starting point. When I do that, I can see I should not have married him in the first place, that was the point of self-responsibility I missed! He was not a suitable partner for me, we basically did not want the same things/life. Although he said he wanted a family and home, when we lived together he did not behave as a committed partner, coming home/calling when he said he would, being reliable/dependable within the union or beingstable/responsible financially. Instead, he preferred the bachelor/no responsibilities kind of life (not a judgement but an observation). I ignored this because of my own fear of facing loosing him/being alone and this was self-interest. I certainly should not have married him without sitting down and talking about what the commitment of marriage entails and the vast consequences of not living up to that commitment. I am referring specifically with the fact of having children together. If it had been just him and I theconsequences would not have been so severe.

The fact is there was zero money left after the marriage and we had two small children. I was not mentally/emotionally capable, at that time, to deal with this fact (together with my ‘broken heart’) and so did not stand up and walk through my life making common sense decisions but used spirituality (prayer, going inward into my own mind in an obsessive way which led to mental illness) and then alcohol to cope. I did get employment but could not sustain it and so made a modest income by having a daycare in my home and having tenants in my home, which was great but not enough to really ‘stand on my own two feet’ kind of thing. Therefore, I borrowed and went into debt which led to building more stress.

When I look at the time leading up to our marriage, there were obvious red flags/warning signs which I ignored. These red flags were not subtle but I was determined/stubborn like ‘it must be, this must happen, he will change, they are wrong, we love each other and that is all that matters’. I had no flexibility nor did I consider my own true well being within the situation and I certainly didn’t have my ex’s true well being at heart either. I was like a bull with the ‘bit between my teeth’and I would not let go. We would be married and that was that.

In reality, all my ex-husband did was be himself throughout our marriage. I married him hoping he would change/wanting him to change and this is an unfair and deceptive way to enter a marriage. In fact, I had a secret/hidden agenda: I will marry you with anidea/picture in my mind of who I want you to be and you better/must live up to it. It is not who you are now but it is what I desire you to be. 

I now realize I was desperate to CONTROL HIM.  Why? Interestingly, he was in many ways like my own father. A true Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, one side of him was light hearted, fun, playful like a child and the other side a drinker, unpredictable, moody,angrydepressed, verbally abusive. I could not control my father/what happened during my childhood but my unconscious mind stepped forward and wanted to control my present by re-playing the past/re-creating it. This I should have done through self-investigation/therapy on my own to sort out my own inner turmoil/demons in and around childhood issues, instead I used him to sort through/work through many thoughts/emotions/feelings/memories–my mind of the past–in our present. It was unfair of me to use a marriage and my ex in this was. I also cannot blame myself, as at that time I did not see this at all but was obsessed with him and an idea of marriage, husband, home, children = me/my future/happy.

It was also like, I do not feel good, you must make me feel good, you cannot leave because I need you to mask how I really feel, you/love is my drug (I did not drink alcoholically at this time), I focus on you so I do not have to look at/within myself for real.  You have problems ok, I will help you change them, I am so together, look at me helping my poor boyfriend/husband, I am a good person, who you are defines me/my ‘who I am’ so you cannot leave me!!

What I should have done, when I saw the many red flags/warning sign as we were dating/living together was sit down in a rational/calm way and have a serious discussion about our future, how we see our marriage, what is the commitment specifically, who is responsible for what financially now and after we have children, what are the consequences if we do not live up to these responsibilities-who will suffer and how.

To continue

 

dipl

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where one is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

Day 266: Overcoming Fear of Illness and Disease 4

FEAR 4fear 5For proper context to this blog please read:  Fear of Disease Part 1 and Part 2  Part 3:   Can we eventually let go of fears completely, through a process of remaining stable in physical reality, moment to moment? …if I am fearing some future suffering/aging/death I am not ‘present’ here in this real moment and not able to enjoy/interact/notice  what is really here, I am missing out on and limiting myself and my experience, to what is all around me…

Healing Self by Re-Writing the Script

Statements of Self-Commitment And Self-Corrective Application

When and as I see myself  participating in my imagination/memories of my parents and grandmother about getting a disease or ‘call back’ about a test result, I stop and breathe.  I bring my awareness back to my physical body and remind myself I have not thus far had any life threatening disease/illness and am quite healthy.  I realize it is self-sabotaging to indulge in these fantasies/imaginings as it separates me from my physical body by bringing up energies, in the form of fear and anxiety, in my mind which can contribute to the very thing I am trying to avoid-illness and disease!   Thus, I commit myself to  respect my physical body through the process of  being one with it-in absolute stability with breath- as I move about in my day to day living.  Thus, I am acting within self-responsibility by being the directive principal of me and not behave as a slave/robot to my mind.

When and as I see myself engaging in backchat/internal conversations about disease, illness, suffering, fearing death and relating it to my parents and grandmother, I stop and breathe.  I get my head out of the clouds and feel my firmly feet on the ground to stabilize myself and state, ‘I am here’.  I  remind myself I cannot change what my parents and grandparents experienced on this earth and they were in their own processes of self-responsibility and self-realization/awareness (and still are in the dimensions, in the principal of ‘as above, so below’).  I understand I do not control others and blaming the creators for the design of the human body and/or fearing the ‘inevitable’ does not change the fact, at this point in time the body ages and depletes and dies.  I realize what I can control is  me here, becoming the director in awareness of my own mind, thus, I commit myself to the process of freeing myself from the fear in and around this issue.

When and as I see myself  going into the emotions of fear, pity, self-pity, blame, guilt, sadness, anger, dread,  anxietyself-punishmentdepressionpowerlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, self-blame and worry, I stop and breathe.  I make sure I assess the point as a physical reference, as what is a practically going on/what I am facing in the moment, and  not an energy  reaction based on the past or belief about myself or a judgement/opinion based on a memory of another.  I simply allow myself to continue with my own self-responsibility and delete reactions as I realize that building up of emotional energies in the face of repeated patterns only frustrates me/is useless as it does not change reality.  I no longer allow energies to control my ‘who I am’/within and my day/movement without and commit to the process of changing me.

When and as I see myself going into behavioral changes within my physical body of stress/anxiety/trouble sleeping in and around this issue, I stop and breathe.  I see/realize/understand it is my responsibility to direct/control my own mind, to stay with body and breath awareness in respect of my body, thus being with this process I am one with my body/substance, which is a constant, stable physical force and is where true power lies.  I realize the physical/substance can be trusted to perform in consistency, as in the beating of ones heart.  Thus I commit to stay with the physical and not the fleeting and inconsistency of energy in the mind.

 

DIP Lite Banner-01

DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
desteni.org - Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material
eqafe.com - Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs.

 

Day 265: Fear of Illness And Disease 3

aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjQuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLW5hM3hQUy1zUkdJJTJGVVkzaF94VF9CNkklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUJ2QSUyRnIzcy1YeTJaYnlrJTJGczMyMCUyRmp1c3QlMkJkbyUyQml0LmpwZw==aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRmltZzU2MC5pbWFnZXNoYWNrLnVzJTJGaW1nNTYwJTJGOTYzOCUyRjM1MDQ5MTU2Mjc1ZjAzNDM3MWY4ei5qcGc=For proper context to this blog please read:  Fear of Disease Part 1 and Part 2:   Can we eventually let go of fears completely, through a process of remaining stable in physical reality, moment to moment? …if I am fearing some future suffering/aging/death I am not ‘present’ here in this real moment and not able to enjoy/interact/notice  what is really here, I am missing out on and limiting myself and my experience, to what is all around me…

Healing Self by Re-Writing the Script

Statements of Self-Commitment And Self-Corrective Application

When and as I see myself going into ‘what if’  scenarios and then participating in a reaction of fear about getting  breast cancer, lung cancer, throat/mouth cancer, cancer in general, heart disease, diabetes, paralysis, dementia, osteoporosis, fibromyalgia, the flu, a cold, the latest mystery virus I see on the news, I stop and breathe.  I bring my awareness out of my mind and back to the physical as what is real before me.  I make sure I am focussing on what is practically before me, as in moving within my daily responsibilities and not lost in my imagination.  I also remind myself how I have become obsessed with imaginings when it comes to the health of my human physical body, I see this from the previous blog that I have imagained how I would feel if I got this or that disease, torturing myself for no reason, just fear playing upon fear and have NEVER REALLY BEEN VERY ILL THROUGHOUT MY LIFE let alone have a disease I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN QUITE HEALTHY (I did have appendicitis about 12 years ago -not fun).   Thus, I commit myself to be grateful for the service of my physical body and to the process of stopping all such participation in  ‘the torturer’ character, fearing illness and disease, and deal with what is here in reality.

When and as I see myself lost in my mind of imaginings so not aware of my own body but just aware of the energy I am creating and existing as, I stop and breathe.  I bring myself back down to earth and feel my feet on the ground.  I remind myself if I am not physically here/aware I am at the mercy of the mind which flies off into fantasy land within thoughts/feelings/memories in a quantum moment.  I also remind myself that this can bring on /lead to self-harm as in fear/anxiety by thoughts of disease/illness/sickness.  I realize my pattern of fear is a automated program and unless I ‘tame the beast’/stop engaging and become the directive principal/force of my own mind, I am but a slave to the mind of energy instead of one and equal to what is reliable/stable/solid = the physical.  I realize I have been blind as to how I have stressed the body, allowing layers upon layers of memories building up, tearing away at the flesh.  I have been blissfully unaware,  too self-absorbed within my own mind and have often thought ‘but it is boring to always be just aware of the physical’ when in reality  the heart never misses a beat, moment after moment, if the heart thought it was boring and gave up I would be dead in a matter of minutes!  Thus, I commit myself to the process of breath and body awareness, to remain on the cutting edge of time, here in each moment so not leaving my body/abdicating my responsibility to my self, to love/respect the body as it has unconditionally done so for me for the last 53 years!

When and as I see myself going into fear when I have forgot to use hand sanitizer, I stop and breathe.  I bring my awareness back to the physical and make sure to wash my hands or use hand sanitizer as soon as I am able to and remind myself to not put my hands to my face/mouth until they are clean, in common sense.  I realize to react in fear is useless as it does not correct the situation but acting/moving physically to clean my hands does correct the situation.  I also understand sometimes we human beings get sick with a virus/cold/flu for various reasons and all we can do is  take the proper physical precautions to avoid these kinds of contagious illnesses, take care of the body when we do get ill, eat a balanced diet, listen to the body in common sense and enjoy physical movement, dance , run, play!

When and as I see myself going into fear when I do get a virus/flu/call back on medical tests , I stop and breathe.  I use the tool of  4 count breath and remind myself I am physical and focus on my body.  I remind myself reacting does not change the fact the I am ill or have to wait for some test result.  Instead I listen to my body and confirm, ‘I am here with you body’ and I ask my body what it needs to heal/how much time-rest does it need to heal?  I understand I have been sick/have had to wait for test results before and it is useless to imagine a more serious illness so to stick with reality.  I see I have not been respectful of my body in the past but I am in this process now and thus self-blame/self-criticism  is sabotaging and I do not participate.

completing commitment statements in the next post

 

DIP Lite Banner-01

DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
desteni.org - Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material
eqafe.com - Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs.

 

Day 264: Storm of Reactions 2: How to Stop Reacting in Spite

coming together 2coming-togetherFor proper perspective to this post, please read Day 263:  A Storm of Reactions: Acting in Spite   Excerpt:   I was at an AA (alcoholics anonymous) meeting last night, which was a 20 year medallion for a friendmeaning 20 years of sobriety… I was aware of several emotional reactions/backchat/thoughts/memories coming up into my mind, slow at first and then like a storm, throughout the hour and a half gathering.  So I will face them here within self-forgiveness and commitment statements and walk a self-correction process (living the commitment statement I write here) as I go about my day to day living and attend meetings in the future.

When and as I see myself going into judgement of another, in this case a speaker at a AA meeting, I stop and breathe. I bring myself/awareness back to physical reality out of my mind of thoughtsmemories, opinions, blame, projections. I make sure/remind myself that each person here is in their own process and I have no right to judge another but that I should look within and understand what is going on within myself, as to why such energies are coming up-what do I hear that is existent in me? Thus, I commit myself to take self-responsibility to ensure I am stable and so do not react/project outward onto another in spite.

When and as I see myself becoming the ‘needing to be liked’ character by thinking I ‘need’ to talk to someone , I stop and breathe. I feel my feet on the ground and remind myself I am a physical being here on earth and stay out of my mind. I realize I am not really concerned with them , as in the need to take care of them, but I am participating within self-interest, in disguise, because it fulfills a desire in me, as how I have defined myself in my mind throughout my life, as someone who ‘helps’ and ‘cares’. Thus, I commitmyself to speak with people without an energy ‘fix’ attached but express myself to others in self-honesty in the moment, not planned out in my head as ‘oh, I should talk to them because they need me’, thereby eliminating further mind bs of guilt if I don’t speak with them, annoyance/anger of an obligation, positive energy experience if I do speak with them like ‘I’m such a good person’.

When and as I see myself looking at men as sexual objects, I stop and breathe. I make sure I am here/present when at a meeting/speaking to men and not in my mind of opinions/judgements/desires/self-interest. I realize  if I am objectifying the man I am speaking to /listening to I am not fully present and thus cannot fully hear what they are communicating to me, therefore I cannot enjoy the interaction/learn from the conversation/assist and support the other person. I also realize I do not like it (overall) when men objectify me/ women in general so why would I want to do this to another?  I commit myself to the process of being fully here in awareness when listening/speaking to men and not seeing them as sexual objects but as beings, one and equal to myself.

 

DIP Lite Banner-01

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where one is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Day 263: A Storm of Reactions: Acting in Spite

truthlies

I was at an AA (alcoholics anonymous) meeting last night, which was a 20 year medallion for a friendmeaning 20 years of sobriety. There were several people there I knew quite well from many years in the program, some I had not had a chance to speak with for quite a while. This is because there can be alot of people at a meeting, as well this particular group was a men’s group but for this specific celebratory evening the women were invited lol.  I was aware of several emotional reactions/backchat/thoughts/memories coming up into my mind, slow at first and then like a storm, throughout the hour and a half gathering.  So I will face them here within self-forgiveness and commitment statements and walk a self-correction process (living the commitment statement I write here) as I go about my day to day living and attend meetings in the future.

What I was aware of/identified:

1. SPITE

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to, as I listened to the speaker share his life story of how he became an addict and how he found recovery, engage/participate within backchat like, ‘he looks like a bully, oh he was a bully, figures, I hate guys like that, I would’t trust him as far as I could throw him…’

woman-taking-off-mask1In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to continue chatting away inside my own mind, although I did see for a few moments how the thoughts were coming up one after another, I nonetheless became possessed by them and then possessed with anger and blame. This reaction came out as spite, when I ‘thanked’ him later, the truth is I spited him after he gave/shared freely with me, and I said, ‘I found it very painful to listen to your story…I did not like men like you before…I’m glad you are better for your daughter…’. Only later I realized my dad was a bully to me and to my siblings and then I married a bully and that is why I was reacting so strongly, I was projecting his story onto myself and not staying in reality with breath here but allowed the spite energies to build then spilling them onto this man in blame.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and blame/spite another, becoming the self-victimization character and putting this man in the box of ‘the bully’, instead of standing as an example of life here.

2. Becoming the ‘people pleaser’ or ‘needing to be liked’ character

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to become the ‘I should have talked to X’ or ‘I didn’t talk long enough to Y’ character, in that being a people pleaser or more specifically ‘needing to be liked’ character, thinking ‘it is my duty’ to ‘take care of’ people, that they need attention and I should give it to them so they feel good about themselves… but this is really what I beLIEve I need to do so others like me/accept me/think I am a ‘good person’, thus  it is really for me-to make me ‘feel good‘ about myself in self-interest and so I fulfill my own self-definition of “I am a good person’  and I supposedly can feel confident that ‘I know who I am!’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to think, ‘I should have talked more to P’s new girlfriend but I didn’t want to because he left my friend/his wife and I remembered how devastated I was when my husband left me’. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to become the judgment character, having an opinion of him being wrong and me being right and so justifying my ignoring his new girlfriend, based on my past as memories in self-interest &  the projection character, projecting my past divorce onto this current situation.

3. Putting sex first, seeing men sexually first, as ‘I am attracted to this guy’ or ‘I am not attracted to this guy’ and not simply seeing and speaking to the person/being before me. Note: This can be subtle, I was not aware of the extent to which I did this until it was discussed within my participation with Desteni: listening to Eqafe Interviews and taking the DIP/Desteni I Process Course. As well, I am with a partner and monogamous and not a flirt but nonetheless, there it was.

garbage-in-garbage-outI forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to look at several of the men at the meeting as sexual objects, seeing them as attractive or unattractive, noticing their body, clothing, hair and my preferences, me as the judge analyzing their appearance and engaging in inner chatter like, ‘I like his hair, really stylish jeans, he looks good in that, he’s really fit and sexy’ and then imagining speaking to them and wondering if they think I’m attractive, wondering if I looked ‘good enough’ to be noticed by them in a sexual way.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to change how I approach and spend time with these men, so allowing the sexual thoughts to linger/be buzzing around my interaction with them, so I am not totally focused on the person in front of me. Therefore, I am unable to really hear them, unable to focus on the words they are speaking so I miss an opportunity to assist and support my fellow man because I am distracted, within self-interest, desiring an ego boost/some attention to make me feel good about myself as a woman/proof I am sexually attractive.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to participate within memories of one particular man and think, ‘He slighted me in the past, he thinks he is better than me and his girlfriend is better than me cause she makes alot of money‘ and not be here/real with my interaction with him in this moment. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allow myself to become the judgement character, judging myself as right and him as wrong, spiting him in my mind for times in the past rejecting me as a friend, assuming he thinks he is superior to me and therefore this makes me superior to him, lol, going into self-blame and inferiority with regards to this person.

To continue 

DIP Lite Banner-01

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Day 262: Facing Fear of Illness and Disease 2

main-qimg-c957cae19cbd84c83a20fd965e1dc14eaHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjQuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLVRqS2RtVF8yRkVvJTJGVW9iSF9hMk9qN0klMkZBQUFBQUFBQUZxOCUyRmYyRi11RFNxazR3JTJGczMyMCUyRlN5bHZpZSUyQkphY29icy5qcGc=From the previous post:  Can we eventually let go of fears completely, through a process of remaining stable in physical reality, moment to moment? …if I am fearing some future suffering/aging/death I am not ‘present’ here in this real moment and not able to enjoy/interact/notice  what is really here, I am missing out on and limiting myself and my experience, to what is all around me… 

Continuing:  taking self-responsibility for participating in fear of disease/illness, in my own mind:

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself imagine having another call back when I go for my mammogram in May, receiving the phone call and going into dread, being in my doctors office and her being all serious, feeling a lump on my breast or underarm when I am having my nightly bath, imagining myself old and frail like my momimagining myself not being able to put on a sweater over my head or being able to walk/take care of myself because of some muscle disease like my mom, throwing up with the fu, getting all hunched over and shrunk because of having osteoporosis, imagining myself fearful of and actually falling and breaking bones when I am older like my mom, being told I have diabetes when I am older and then getting foot infections that do not heal like my mom, imagining anti-biotics do not heal my infections like my mom which led to her death, imagining I have difficulty hearing and being embarrassed like my mom, imagining I have dementia and am confused what year it is and who is alive and dead when I am older like my dad and mother-in-law, imagining I get the latest super-bug/mystery virus and will die, imagining I become paralyzed like my girlfriend because of a brain aneurysm or because of a stroke, imagining I get lung/throat cancer and the doctor telling me this in ‘his’ office, imagining I get heart disease and am unable to move about and become a ‘cardiac cripple’ (a term my dad used) like my dad, imagining my mom as the nurse told me she found her the day she died- all hunched over and looking ‘grey’ in the face.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in memories, and to have these memories exists within and as me of: my mom saying ‘oh well dear, everyone goes through it’, as in accepting her ‘fate’ of aging and physically suffering/diminishing and and then dying, my mom struggling in her bathroom with daily grooming, my mom struggling with getting dressed in her bedroom/my mom lying on the floor in her bathroom unable to get up, after being there alone for 6 hours!/the nurse telling me how she looked the day she died/my dad sitting in the tv room the week before he died/sitting on my dad’s bed the last time I saw him alive/the phone call from the mammogram clinic/the phone call with my doctor explaining my breast exam results (before it was determined benign)/ my grandma on her hands and knees searching for her glasses in the middle of the night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose the mind onto these particular imaginings/scenarios and memories, not seeing/realizing/understanding this separates me from my physical body.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to focus my attention/awareness on my fears/mind and not at all respect my physical body by being one with it-in absolute stability with 4 count breath- as I move about in my day to dayliving.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within backchat/internal conversation like: Oh god, I dread growing old like my poor parents, I hate that, that can’t happen to me, it’s sickening and cruel what my parents had to endure, I hate they suffered and died, I can’t die, I can’t let that happen to me, wither and diminish, my poor little grandma, my poor mom she was so kind and good and look what happened to her.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as /react in the emotional energy of: fear, anger, sadness, dread, self-pity, pity of another, anxietyself-punishmentdepressionpowerlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, blame, self-blame and worry in and around this issue.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in behavioral /physical body changes brought on through engaging in fearing disease/illness such as: creating a wave of fear energy in my solar plexes which then rises into my chest,anxiety in my stomach resulting in an uneasy churning/tightness/nausea, a change in my digestion that is uncomfortable, tightening my jaw and facial muscles, stiffening of my shoulder and back muscles, a change in sleep patterns from going into worry in the middle of the night.

To continue

DIP Lite Banner-01

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course