Day 320: Suppressed Memories Part 5: Re-Defining ‘Forced’

forceforce 2Please read Part 1 – 4  for proper context to this blog.

From Part 1: So I was quite astounded by what happened next! When I went to bed and was just lying there resting beforefalling asleep, a whole slew of memories came up…Mostly what stood out in these memories was the people I met. And the opinions/judgments I had of these people. I often minimized them, as I had my own agenda, and they often minimized me. It was an unpredictable journey, no stability, new faces all the time.

RE-DEFINING  ‘Forced’

DICTIONARY DEFINITION:    strained, unnatural, or affected: a forced smile.

MY DEFINITION:
Something I must do TO MYSELF and not FOR MYSELF -force myself- so that there is no question of the outcome, it will be done, I cannot accept or fathom anything else, I cannot live with any other outcome, desiring complete control.
So I am willing to abuse myself , I am willing to do almost anything, existent within a state of panic/desperation.
SOUNDING:    Forced =  For Ced
Fore See
For  Seed

EXPLORE IN WRITING:

From Part 2:  ‘…the mind can take something like vulnerability and spin it to its own benefit so that I didn’t know I was fooling myself, wherein I wanted to push my own boundaries and meet other musicians to team up with, not realizing that I was still coming from the same starting point and platform of self-abuse that has always been there throughout my life — where the ‘pushing’ was actually a ‘forcing’ adding to the self-abuse, while I believed I was changing myself.’

From Part 3:   ‘… I used alcohol to force myself to continue ‘soldiering on’ with this quest/dream, forcing myself to keep writing, connecting, sometimes performing versus gently pushing myself in a practical way, keeping in mind that I was not used to performing/presenting something I had created to others and keeping in my mind childhood/past, so that I was not genuinely loving and respectful to myself/my body.’

NEW DEFINITION OF ‘Forced’ :   A reminder to me to slow down and ‘see’ what I am seeding/what will grow in the garden of my mind and so my life, aware of the consequences I create!   To also look/see my starting point, is it strained, unnatural?  Is my body and my being reasonably comfortable?  Then to direct myself in that moment as changing my starting point from self-abuse/force to a gentle push, so I am still growing/expanding/living to my utmost potential within learning/creating but in a way that is healthy.  

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Day 319: Suppressed Memories Harming My Body 4: Living the Solution

memory 2Please read Part 1 -3  for context to this blog.

From Part 1: So I was quite astounded by what happened next! When I went to bed and was just lying there resting before falling asleep, a whole slew of memories came up…Mostly what stood out in these memories was the people I met. And the opinions/judgments I had of these people. I often minimized them, as I had my own agenda, and they often minimized me. It was an unpredictable journey, no stability, new faces all the time.

Commitment Statements:

When and as I see myself going into thinking patterns of using another as a means to an end or allowing another to do the same to me I stop, I breathe. I realize we are one and equal here and I have missed opportunities to engage with others, sharing and learning in a real/genuine way, without exaggerated imaginations of fame and glory. Thus, I commit myself to slow down when playing with others/meeting new people and enjoy the music, without having to feel the need to feed each other’s egos, without anyfuture expectations and without participating in the polarities of inferior or superior where I would place another above me or below me, in my mind in relations to ability/talent/personality.

When and as I see myself forcing myself to do something to extremes because of an idea that a ‘power greater than I ‘ wants me to, in this case, write enlightening music, believing I am apparently ‘special’ as ‘savior’ I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to ground myself here, out of my mind and stabilize. I understand that the starting point of this self-belief was inferiority, as in NEEDING SOMETHING OUTSIDE OF MYSELF TO VALIDATE ME AS LIFE/GIVE ME PURPOSE/ASSURE (ass you are) ME I AM GOOD ENOUGH, and this would also come through happiness, others acknowledging me, though wealth, money, material possessions. I realize to force myself is just adding to patterns of self-abuse whereas I can simply enjoy the creative process at a comfortable pace and share music when I am reasonably comfortable to do so. I also realize I enjoy the process of creation within songwriting and I commit myself to push myself to perfect the art of songwriting, playing an instrument and singing and then DO it instead of just thinking about doing it!

stage 3When and as I see myself going into embarrassment and/or fear of embarrassment, when singing/performing & then falling into the mind‘s design of comparison/competition  I stop, I breathe. I realize that behind this fear/embarrassment is IN-SECURITY and inferiority, as I have beLIEved that  following these mind patterns will somehow protect me/keep me safe and thus secure.  I also see that comparison and competition are systems in the mind -how I interpret my reality-which separates me from others, as I am looking at another person strictly one-dimensionally, where I cannot see the entirely of a person’s life or of the situation. Thus, I commit myself to breath awareness so I am able to stop all such comparisons and emotional reactions of jealousy/competition as they arise. I realize the music itself is not important, rather it is the relationships and sharing/enjoyment of the music that is what matters.

When and as I see myself going into thought patterns like, ‘this gift of music comes easy/naturally to some, maybe I shouldn’t be participating in it ’cause it is not a natural gift to me’ and reacting with frustration, expectations, jealousy , self-judgement, self-doubt I stop, I breathe. I realize this ‘naturally’ is most often alot of hard work and/or a program in ones mind and body (dna), meaning they were born with an inherent ability. At the same time, I do not allow myself to use this as an excuse, as that would be me participating in self-sabotage and self-limitation, falling into old thinking patterns that I am average/not good enough. I now realize I am not a limited being, everything is in fact a point of learning/understanding and then applying, thus requires patience in space and time to unfold, versus just having an ‘idea’ or imagination/playout in my mind of me playing/singing in perfection.  I understand I require to walk a process, point by point, breath by breath, to learn the detail and specificity of something to master it, it is not magic!  I understand it is best to approach songwriting realistically and I commit to write music for me and share when/as I deem appropriate.

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Day 318: Suppressed Memories Harming My Body 3: Healing Process

memoryPlease read Part 1 and Part 2  for context to this blog.

From the precious post:So I was quite astounded by what happened next! When I went to bed and was just lying there resting before falling asleep, a whole slew of memories came up…Mostly what stood out in these memories was the people I met. And the opinions/judgments I had of these people. I often minimized them, as I had my own agenda, and they often minimized me. It was an unpredictable journey, no stability, new faces all the time.

Continuing With Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as ‘not good enough’ when meeting musicians to associate with and react with embarrassment, fear, inferiority, insecurity and go into self-sabotage where I imagine before and/or after we meet, how they will reject me. Alternatively, I fall into the polarity playout where I desire a positive energy experience I judge another as ‘not good enough’ and react with superiority instead of slowing down and, within common sense, teaming up with others who I can work with to create and perfect music at a steady pace.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as someone who is easily embarrassed, where I react with fear/worry/anxiety when I have to ‘put myself out there’ by performing/singing/speaking in public or meeting new people, coming from the starting point of inferiority, where I assume it is ok for others because they are competent or talented or prepared but I am not these things, like, ‘I am not good enough so I will make a fool of myself’.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself within songwriting to come from the starting point of comparison and competition when meeting other musicians/writer, instead of enjoying the journey in each moment, seeingothers as one and equal to myself, considering how I can assist and support another and genuinely allowing another to assist me, versus seeing another as a ‘means to an end’ in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this inferiority/superiority playout, which is basically competition, exists in my own mind as how I have programmed myself to see/interpret/define reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that comparison and competition are programs/systems in the mind, designed solely for the purpose of separation, and within this division I only see/interpret my world/reality and another’s world one-dimensionally so I am not able to see myself/another in totality and so cannot consider everything involved in any given situation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how I used alcohol to force myself to continue ‘soldiering on’ with this quest/dream, forcing myself to keep writing, connecting, sometimes performing (I mostly drank at homealone and was hung over out in public) versus gently pushing myself in a practical way, keeping in mind that I was not used to performing/presenting something I had created to others and keeping in my mind childhood/past, so that I was not genuinely loving and respectful to myself/my body as there was no other/man in my life to abuse me, I became my own abuser, resulting in/having the consequence of other areas of my life being neglected, primarily financial responsibilities and I fell into debt.

to continue

Day 317: Suppressed Memories Harming My Body 2: Healing Process

stagestage 3Please read the previous post for context to this blog.

From the precious post: So I was quite astounded by what happened next! When I went to bed and was just lying there resting before falling asleep, a whole slew of memories came up…Mostly what stood out in these memories was the people I met. And the opinions/judgments I had of these people. I often minimized them, as I had my own agenda, and they often minimized me. It was an unpredictable journey, no stability, new faces all the time.

I will approach this from the starting point within the thought, ‘All those people I met over the years I was writing, why did I force these situations onto myself, chasing nothing in the end, what a waste of time!’

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase a dream, an idea of success, fame, fortune -and specifically attention through using music to create an identity and purpose for my life-through songwriting and in that force myself, rather than really look at the situation in reality and gently push myself in awareness, to grow/expand within writing, singing, playing an instrument and then to slowly share my music with others, after I had perfected it.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to see/realize/understand how I was controlled by feelings of excitement, greed, ego within self-interest and how they fed into my fantasy of being a successful songwriter, like a drug.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from/suppress the truth of me, which was that I feared I was not good enough and I wanted to ‘prove’ myself as a songwriter thus proving to the men in my life, that they were wrong to treat me badly.

Within this, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a self-belief that I am not good enough and blame others, mostly my father and men I had a relationship with, for my own self-victimization.

songwriterI forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to always rush, within an emotional reaction of fear that there is not enough time to accomplish goals, so I never slowed down enough to genuinely examine/face the facts/reality of my life and make the necessary changes within myself, which would have resulted in real change, personal growth and advancement.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into a belief in a higher power, who supposedly wanted me to be a songwriter, wherein I beLIEved I was like a savior character, here to write enlightening music, desiring ‘specialness’.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to come from the starting point of superiority/ego in relation to these memories, which was in reality suppressing/veiling the truth of me, that I felt inferior and that is why I was in such a rush, going from one opportunity/person to work with, to the next as I had no real/solid confidence in myself/my abilities and so could never settle down and do the work to completion.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to see/realize/understand how the mind can take something like vulnerability and spin it to its own benefit so I didn’t know I was fooling myself, wherein I wanted to push my own boundaries and meet other musicians to team up with, not realizing that I was still coming from the same starting point and platform of self-abuse that has always been there throughout my life — where the ‘pushing’ was actually a ‘forcing’ adding to the self-abuse, while I believed I was changing myself.

To continue

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Day 316: Suppressed Memories Affecting My Body

memory 2memoryHere I am opening up a new point that emerged, which really surprised me!  I remembered that Sunette had said one can ask ones physical body questions.  That sounded very cool to me but I doubted I could do this successfully, like ‘oh wow, I probably can’t do that, she can /others can but not me…anyway,  how does your body tell you the answer and how do you know it’s not your just your mind chatting away with answers you want to hear?’  Meaning, how do I know it is not just my pre-programmed mind, based on how I have designed/programmed it over my lifetime, with all the opinions based on my memories and self-interest/ego, emotions such as fear/worry/anger/hope etc?

I kind of forgot/put aside Sunette’s suggestion for the last few months.

Then, a few days ago, in the afternoon/early evening, I asked my body-and then specifically I asked my breasts-and then more specifically I asked the actual condition itself being calcification in my breasts-   (note: there are blogs before and after this post in relation to this topic, as this was initially  unpublished) out loud this question, ‘what memories am I holding onto or suppressing in relation to this, what memories do I need to look at and apply self-forgiveness on?’

I had several self-doubts and self-judgments come up, like ‘probably nothing will happen’ and ‘I better be sure my mind doesn’t interfere’ and ‘how will I know anyway!?’

So I was quite astounded by what happened next!  When I went to bed and was just lying there resting before falling asleep, a whole slew of memories came up!  Most of them I had not thought about for years and they were all of the same theme-for lack of a better word-and time period with my life.  All of the memories were of The Songwriter, especially the period in my life before I stopped drinking, memories of different people I had met, places I found myself, amazing.

Also, what is really cool is, I would have never guessed-one should never assume when it comes to this process, being the Desteni I Process- that these memories would be the ones I needed to address/introspect/look at and walk a process on.  I thought they were too small/insignificant to have any substantial affect on myself/being/mind and especially my physical body.  I also thought it would be ONE thing/person/memory-a big event in my life/trauma, anyway something boom/obvious.  Usually I would have memories of a musician I dated during those years, come up in my mind, which were/are disturbing enough.  I suppose I suppressed/shoved down all the many places I went/people I met during this quest lol.

Rather, what came up was memory after memory (for about 10-20 minutes) of when I was focusing on songwriting in my life. I spent much time writing/playing guitar and keyboard, singing, some recording, some performing and alot of time connecting with other musicians/songwriters trying to get something going with others to move ahead in the music industry, as it is costly/time consuming/technical/requires many different skills and talents so obviously difficult to do alone.

Mostly what stood out in these memories flashing up, one after another (but not too fast that it was overwhelming-like a steady/calm/easy flow) was the people I met.  And the opinions/judgments I had of these people. I often minimized them, as I had my own agenda, and they often minimized me.  It was an unpredictable journey, no stability, new faces all the time.  And I experienced regret that night, like  ‘what a waste, I never got to know so many of the people I met, what a waste of time chasing a dream’.

The overall feeling/emotion that I had that night  (besides being in awe/surprised/and grateful that these suppressed memories were emerging) was of  regret, sadness, guilt, that I was so lost in self-interest I minimized so many people along the way, minimized their value of life as equal to my own.  I have guilt that I used people or I was in fear of them using me.  I assumed they were not as important as I was or, in polarity, that I was not as important as them.  Upon meeting someone, I would quickly assess them and placed them either above or below me in my mind, as either inferior or superior, rarely if ever, seeing them in equality.  If they were talented, I feared they wouldn’t want to work with me and I would take what I could from them.   If I saw them as not so talented I judged them as inferior and expendable or I did not want to work with them.

Lying in bed that night, I could plainly see the polarity play outs of superiority and inferiority within ALL of these memories.

I FEEL A HEAVINESS OVERCOME ME AS I WRITE THIS, deep SADNESS and a DREAD.

OVERALL NEGATIVE DISTURBING/DIFFICULT FOR I WAS relatively SHY/INTROVERTED/ AFRAID OF PEOPLE ESPECIALLY MEN and particularily when it came to singing! I PUSHED MYSELF HARD but not in a healthy way, I OFTEN FORCED MYSELF, it is DISTURBING to me now HOW I MISUSED MY BODY AS THIS WAS SO ALIEN TO ME SINGING/WRITING/PLAYING. I was EXPOSING MYSELF/ VULNERABLE TO groups of men-musicians I DID NOT KNOW again and again, sometimes IN A SETTING THAT COULD HAVE BEEN DANGEROUS because sometimes I USED ALCOHOL EXTENSIVELY FOR LIQUID COURAGE. HARMING MYSELF OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR supposed FAME, SUCCESS, FORTUNE, ROMANCE as in an IDEA OF MARRIAGE AND HUSBAND/SAVIOR.  I used alcohol TO HELP me HAVE COURAGE TO KEEP GOING-keep the dream = delusion going, time after time I did not make a lasting connection with others in this field, I would give up, and break the connection or they would break the connection so I felt abandoned over and over, I believed myself a failure over and over, not good enough over and over. I used the mixture of alcohol, songwrting and spirituality to keep me occupied to AVOID the PAIN OF my MARRIAGE BREAKUP, to AVOID DEEP INFERIORITY issues, I USED MUSIC as an IDEA OF ‘MY CALLING’ PURPOSE IN LIFE TO AVOID FACING MYSELF /MY LIFE.

I WOULD HAVE BACKCHAT ABOUT MYSELF AND OTHERS MOSTLY PUT MYSELF DOWN, SAY I NOT AS GOOD/GOOD ENOUGH, but the truth is I never had the patience to perfect any necessary skills to truly succeed in the music business: vocal, playing piano or guitar, songwriting, becoming my own engineer and producer.

CHILDHOOD MEMORY:  In fact, one of my prominent childhood memories, which would become and remain a self-defining moment/a self-definition, was when I was about 5-7 years old, my girlfriend was very disappointed in me, in fact she said ‘Sandy, I’m ashamed of you’ when I refused to sing/perform for our parents, as we had often. Alas, I had became old enough to be aware of myself and was suddenly self-conscious, no longer an innocent child.  I HAD BIT THE APPLE OF GOOD AND EVIL  (spelled backwards is LIVE) and could not perform freely anymore, I think I realized I was not that ‘good/talented’ but just ok and our parents were just being polite/enjoying their children and I WAS EMBARRASSED/HUMILIATED/EXPOSED AND DID NOT WANT TO CONTINUE, I WANTED TO HIDE/BE INVISIBLE.

I relate this to my dad, not so much my mom, like pictures of him always pop up in my mind when I access this memory. I assumed he judged me for this = my feeling of shame. Of course, it is not his fault I connected/experienced myself as shameful when I thought  ‘I cannot sing in front of others anymore’, after this moment. Basically, I never sang-solo- again. I enjoyed being in the chorus, in high school musical productions, and I did audition and dream of getting a lead role but I had zero confidence.

Timeline:    Horrible Shocks to my body/being

*marriage break-up

*started turning to a higher power-god

*songwriting and singing-suddenly-out of fucking nowhere

*started reaching out to others-very frightening shocking to me-meeting musicians/producers

*started hearing voices/mental illness-huge shock to my being/body/mind

*started using alcohol to deal with hearing voices-huge shock to my body and being

*forced myself to write alot/sing/reach out to others/perform-constantly meeting new people and having my music judged/heard/listened to and critiqued 

To continue

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Day 315: Realizing and Living My Utmost Potential: Self-Responsibility

responsibility responsibility 2Here I share my  ‘Desteni of Living’ –  my commitment too apply the following principles and to stand as a living example to others.  In coming blog posts I will be walking each individual Principle and how I am already Living the Example of each Principle and/or How I Walk a Practical Process of Self-Correction and Responsibility to Become the Living Example of each Principle. 

Principle #5:  Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

How am I living this principle throughout each day?

*  Physical Stability:

I am seeing how, in my process, I am building up emotional and feeling energies and reacting to them on a physical level, much faster! Meaning, I am going into anxiety much faster and so reacting with behavioral/physical changes such as: feeling very nauseous, loosing my appetite, feeling physically very tired, body aches, tightness in my solar plexes and throat, tightening of my jaw and jaw/teeth aching, shortness of breath–overall feeling unwell. Yesterday this happened and the consequence was my husband and I had to cancel going out for the evening. Another consequence is that as this is happening I am able to focus less on what I am doing/facing/who I am with thus I am not really/fully present thus I compromise myself by becoming less effective in supporting myself and/or another. I realize this is happening when/as I participate in thoughts and reactions about time, as in ‘there is not enough time for me to do all the tasks I need to do today, hurry!’ and then I move within energy versus stabilityawareness.  I can see this happens when I sit at my computer,  when I work around the house doing chores and even when I am watching a show/video. Therefore, beginning last night, I made the self-commitment to be acutely more aware of what my body is experiencing, what is moving within me from moment to moment!  Even though I have become  more aware of my mind in the last 3 years, my thoughts/emotions, I require even more diligence so that I am aware of any movement within my body as it occurs (this is a process). When/as I see I am starting to tense up/go into anxiety about my day, I stop and breathe and slow down/calm down/stabilize myself before continuing on with the task at hand.

* Reaction of Anger Toward Another:

I reacted in anger and spite to something someone said and could quickly see I did not approach the issue from the starting point of finding solutions but in self-interest to lash out/get revenge for the emotions /personalities I had allowed to come out in me. I was in blame and spite. Once I saw this, I realized I was not directing myself in a responsible way for all involved-I was letting the mind tell me who I am/how to feel! So I pulled them aside and said I notice how often we miscommunicate/don’t seem to understand one another and said there were some points I needed to clarify. Then I suggested that it would be helpful if they could be specific about what they needed/required from me (and another person involved), what exactly was it we could contribute so all involved would be treated fairly. This person and myself both calmed down and were able to quickly come up with a solution!

* My Body Language:

I was out for dinner with a man (seated beside him), who I have considered to be misogynistic, and after about 45 minutes I woke up, lol, as I was not aware but lost in my mind, of thoughts/memories/judgments from the past! He was speaking alot during the dinner to the other 3 of us present. I also saw how I had moved away from him, turned my Body in the other direction and further back from the table, my arms and legs were crossed at times as well. My face and mouth were tight, frowning. My husband said he noticed I was not enjoying myself and looked pissed off, well he said ‘you didn’t look very happy’. So what I immediately did was apply self-forgiveness and a self-corrective statement inside my head/to myself and I committed to not see him as the past/with no past between us, like it was the first time we were to together (of course I still had context) and refused to allow myself to follow/engage in memories/thoughts/judgments, but to let them gently go as they arose. I asked myself, ‘what is going on now in reality, is he doing anything now that is upsetting/abusive?’ The answer was no, he was just sharing stories of his life and travels. The effect was immediate, my body relaxed, I turned back/joined the table once again, I did not allow myself to have any expectations like all of a sudden he would include me in the conversation because I was being so understanding, lol, no that is what ‘remembrance’/ context is for.  If I am to give myself/my attention unconditionally to another, I cannot have an angenda or any judgement  or expectation of how they will respond to me.  I demand this person to change, each is walking their own path here in this lifetime, I cannot change anyone but only myself and stand as an example.  As I let go, I quickly began to enjoy myself, enjoy the stories of his travels across the world and learn from him!  I engaged another person across the table (who was also not much included in the discussions) and enjoyed that. Then I noticed this man looked at me a few times to include me in the conversation (or his dialogue) and asked me a few brief questions.  I can see that as I stabilized/accepted him and moved toward him, he moved toward me.  Now, when I see this man in some future moment, I will not have built up more emotional energies-another layer to limit our interactions/relationship, I can be more clear and ‘here’ thus allow the relationship to have the opportunity to grow.

 

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Day 314: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry 3

women
women 2Please read  I Don’t Trust Her, Part 1 and Part 2 for proper context to this blog.

From Part 1:  Here I am opening up a new point, in which I can see from my very title, how I ALLOWED myself to be manipulated

Continuing with Commitment  and Self-Corrective Application Statements:

When and as I see myself thinking how I don’t trust another and coveting my emotions of anger, self-righteousness with the hidden starting point of superiority I stop, I breathe. I realize no one forced me to do anything, blaming another for my actions is useless. I can see I only need to remind myself to slow down within interactions with others and be aware of what I speak and agree to, as well to not have expectations of the other person or a desire/want attached to the worlds I speak. I understand I was afraid to say no to this person as I did not want to be seen as unsupportive thus disliked.  Therefore, I commit myself to slow down and consider what I am participating in and why, also to allow myself to be noncommittal to a person for a time, while I figure things out so only say ‘I am not sure, I will have to get back to you about this issue’.

When and as I see myself going into emotions of anger/resentment/spite/jealousy, insecurity, blame, comparison, competition and self-righteousness which is veiling the emotion of SUPERIORITY I stop, I breathe. I realize it is on purpose my mind wants me to focus on the other person in this instance, like ‘they are wrong, they are always like this, I can’t trust them’, so I do not look within my own self/being and take responsibility for my own reactions!  I also realize this is how women remain/become enemies within separation through embracing the design of competition and comparison instead of embracing each other as support/respect/sharing/caring.  I understand I do not require to ‘feel better’ about myself-placing myself above another in superiority, or feel anything at all, I simply require to direct a situation, within calmness and breath, toward a solution that would be best for all involved.

When and as I see myself engaging in inner conversation/backchat that is full of anger, insecurity and comparisons around this issue of my friend wanting to sell me skin care products I stop, I breathe. I realize when I participate in this inner dialogue, I come to beLIEve it  and I become it, as these thoughts are living words.  I realize I do not know how my friend experiences her mind or what her pre-programmed thoughts are thus I have no right to blame or judge her.  Also, I understand that I do not control others so it is useless to worry about my partner having an affair with this person/leaving me for this person-essentially I only have myself and I am learning to treat myself with respect and care and that includes being in control of my own mind.  Thus, I commit myself to bring myself out of my mind of chatter at the first thought/pixel by focusing on what is here in reality, as well I commit to focus on supporting the people I am in contact with/close to in this life instead of imagining shit about them, wasting my time. Lastly, I commit to speaking up in self-honesty if I am unsure of a point of a decision that needs to be made, versus staying in-security/silent within self-interest.

When and as I see myself becoming/living the self-definition, based on the starting point of inferiority, of ‘I’m not good enoughmeaning: not clever enough/smart enough/tough enough to deal with this situation/handle this person I stop, I breathe. I realize I programmed this self-definition of inferiority a very long time ago, as a child when I was afraid to speak up in my home and I was afraid of my father-somewhat my mother.  I realize, I chose at that time to hide/ become less/shrink from the world instead of reach out for assistance and support, I understand I did not have the tools to do so, thus it is not about self-blame. I no longer choose to participate in this self-victimizing  behavior, thus I commit myself to push myself beyond my pre-programming and accepted limitations and speak up/take chances/make mistakes because today I chose to learn/grow /expand and in so doing  I support myself and others in this one life here.

 

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