Please read Part 1 -3 for context to this blog.
From Part 1: So I was quite astounded by what happened next! When I went to bed and was just lying there resting before falling asleep, a whole slew of memories came up…Mostly what stood out in these memories was the people I met. And the opinions/judgments I had of these people. I often minimized them, as I had my own agenda, and they often minimized me. It was an unpredictable journey, no stability, new faces all the time.
When and as I see myself going into thinking patterns of using another as a means to an end or allowing another to do the same to me I stop, I breathe. I realize we are one and equal here and I have missed opportunities to engage with others, sharing and learning in a real/genuine way, without exaggerated imaginations of fame and glory. Thus, I commit myself to slow down when playing with others/meeting new people and enjoy the music, without having to feel the need to feed each other’s egos, without anyfuture expectations and without participating in the polarities of inferior or superior where I would place another above me or below me, in my mind in relations to ability/talent/personality.
When and as I see myself forcing myself to do something to extremes because of an idea that a ‘power greater than I ‘ wants me to, in this case, write enlightening music, believing I am apparently ‘special’ as ‘savior’ I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to ground myself here, out of my mind and stabilize. I understand that the starting point of this self-belief was inferiority, as in NEEDING SOMETHING OUTSIDE OF MYSELF TO VALIDATE ME AS LIFE/GIVE ME PURPOSE/ASSURE (ass you are) ME I AM GOOD ENOUGH, and this would also come through happiness, others acknowledging me, though wealth, money, material possessions. I realize to force myself is just adding to patterns of self-abuse whereas I can simply enjoy the creative process at a comfortable pace and share music when I am reasonably comfortable to do so. I also realize I enjoy the process of creation within songwriting and I commit myself to push myself to perfect the art of songwriting, playing an instrument and singing and then DO it instead of just thinking about doing it!
When and as I see myself going into embarrassment and/or fear of embarrassment, when singing/performing & then falling into the mind‘s design of comparison/competition I stop, I breathe. I realize that behind this fear/embarrassment is IN-SECURITY and inferiority, as I have beLIEved that following these mind patterns will somehow protect me/keep me safe and thus secure. I also see that comparison and competition are systems in the mind -how I interpret my reality-which separates me from others, as I am looking at another person strictly one-dimensionally, where I cannot see the entirely of a person’s life or of the situation. Thus, I commit myself to breath awareness so I am able to stop all such comparisons and emotional reactions of jealousy/competition as they arise. I realize the music itself is not important, rather it is the relationships and sharing/enjoyment of the music that is what matters.
When and as I see myself going into thought patterns like, ‘this gift of music comes easy/naturally to some, maybe I shouldn’t be participating in it ’cause it is not a natural gift to me’ and reacting with frustration, expectations, jealousy , self-judgement, self-doubt I stop, I breathe. I realize this ‘naturally’ is most often alot of hard work and/or a program in ones mind and body (dna), meaning they were born with an inherent ability. At the same time, I do not allow myself to use this as an excuse, as that would be me participating in self-sabotage and self-limitation, falling into old thinking patterns that I am average/not good enough. I now realize I am not a limited being, everything is in fact a point of learning/understanding and then applying, thus requires patience in space and time to unfold, versus just having an ‘idea’ or imagination/playout in my mind of me playing/singing in perfection. I understand I require to walk a process, point by point, breath by breath, to learn the detail and specificity of something to master it, it is not magic! I understand it is best to approach songwriting realistically and I commit to write music for me and share when/as I deem appropriate.
Eqafe: Series on Suppression Starts here: Suppression: Introduction – Atlanteans – Part 218
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