Please refer to Day 64 and Day 65 for context to this blog.
I commit to assist and support myself, to stop myself whenever I am possessed by the thought, ‘men think I’m stupid’ as I now see/realize/understand this thought comes from within ME and therefore, it is my responsibility to no longer allow myself to blame/project it outward onto another but to remind myself that whether it is true or not- I know I am not stupid- and to breathe and bring myself out of my mind of memories and thought and back to physical reality and then to express how I am experiencing myself in that moment, if appropriate, (or whatever voicing/action is required) and trust myself to respond/engage in a manner that will be assisting to all and not just me in separation/ego.
I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, stop all such connections of the thought ‘men think I’m stupid’ to the past, as memories, of my father suggesting I/my siblings are not as intelligent/capable/competent in comparison to others as I now see/realize/understand to do so isolates me in my mind of illusion and puts an end to any effective communication/interaction with others, as it ‘pits me against them’/puts me on the defensive and not part of a meaningful verbal exchange. Furthermore, I remind myself I am here and I am not a helpless child but a capable adult who can offer assistance/ask for clarification/not engage in polarities of superior & inferior/or if necessary, leave an abusive situation. Thus, instead of simply reacting to my pre-progamming, out of fear of rejection from past experience, I realize I do not have to ‘fight’/prove myself to anyone but can co-operate and co-exist in equality when I stay calm and present and focus on the matter at hand.
I commit myself to assist and support myself, to stop myself whenever I am directed/controlled by fear that maybe I am stupid and should stay silent & of being seen as inferior/disposable by a man because he uses a certain tone and vocabulary that I interpret as harsh/belittling and connecting this to my father’s tone/wordings, as I now see/realize/understand ones tone/wording is just that, theirs, and does not reflect on me/who I am, as I remain constant/stable with breath as who I am here. Also, I commit to remind myself my disapproval/accusations/interpretation of another’s actions/communication style could be incorrect and does not change things if I react, and is not supportive to the other in anyway but only serves to escalate a situation, to see who will ‘win’ & that my reaction, as fear, serves no real purpose but as a defense mechanism of the mind to supposedly ensure I prove myself worthy so this person does not reject me and, thereby, is self-interest and not based on what is best for all involved.
I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, stop all participation/engaging with nasty inner chatter/voices in the head when in a situation/conversation with a man thinking ‘he thinks I am stupid’ as I now see/realize/understand to do so is guessing what he is thinking and therefore quite insane, I become the aggressor in my mind with sexist remarks, lumping all men together, I am judging another in separation of myself and I am also then talking to myself-inside my own head-and not even listening/participating fully in the REAL conversation going on, so I am greatly limiting my effectiveness to direct myself in any clear/supportive way so we have the opportunity to create/share/learn/grow in relationship to each other. I remind myself, to engage in such inner conversation is to get involved with memories-which over the years have been changed to suit me so they cannot be trusted- and so I commit to trust myself here, so to not back away in fear/shyness but to voice myself (unless it is clearly an abusive situation in which I would remove myself) here in the moment.
I commit myself to stop myself before I get to the point of participation/experiencing the onslaught of emotions that inevitably occur in these situations but if/when I do find myself at that point I commit to stop and breathe, slow myself /my thinking down and get out of my mind and back down to earth, to feel my feet on the ground, touch myself to remind myself I AM PHYSICAL, as I now see/realize/understand I cannot effectively direct myself if I am overtaken by emotion and I will have nothing of value to add/contribute if I am being controlled by this energy running wild. I am therefore not living as the directive principal of me but as a mind machine that is on automatic pilot, just reacting and not really living, free to express myself, but chained to the past.
I commit myself to be aware of and stop all such subsequent behavioral changes in my physical body in these situations by using my breath to bring myself /snap myself out of my mind of /as energy and back to physical reality as I now see/realize/understand I am only harming myself, allowing this energy to effect/alter my very physicality by allowing the energy to eat away/consume the flesh to turn it into further mind energy, thereby strengthening the mind and not my body.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop all participation in imaginings in my mind, as moving pictures/fantasy, in situations where I feel threatened by a certain kind of man I judge as harsh/feel inferior/believe he thinks I’m stupid, as I now see/realize/understand I don’t know what he thinks and I could be wrong, I can leave a situation that I feel is abusive, I can speak up in a responsible way-NOT OUT OF REACTION-but trust myself to remain calm with breath and communicate self-honestly using common sense, I do not have to defend/be a spokes person for the message of equality to someone who cannot hear the message as this is useless and a waste of time. I remind myself using the imagination only further strengthens my mind of energy and not me here, and as such I am completely existing in limitation and not from the starting point of growth/expression/oneness and equality and this is no longer acceptable to me.
I commit myself to stop myself from timelooping with this issue, as it is my issue-coming from my own mind-it is my responsibility to stop the separation/the blame/accusations and face myself in self-honesty, and face another as me, and refuse to participate in thoughts of men not liking me/thinking I’m stupid and just stay with what is real in that moment, not cower and run, but to stand/exemplify and treat another as I would want to be treated, so not talk down, try to out smart, get emotional, bring in the past, thereby to stop endangering relationships that I value, thus to stand firm in my decision and not let the mind ‘take over’ in these types of situations so as to, eventually, transcend the thought once and for all and to walk this decision daily, as life, one and equal.