Day 114: Sad About My Mom 2

Please read Day 113 for context to this post wherein I am examining the thought, ‘‘I am sad and worried about my mom. I don’t want to lose her. I know she is old but I don’t want her to suffer and then to inevitably  leave/die/cross over. Overall, she was a wonderful and loving parent. I will miss her.”

I got myself ‘all worked up‘ yesterday in the emotions of fear, sadness, worry, anxiety and did not sleep well. I reached out for chocolate cookies,  bread, cigarettes,  to avoid these energies/distract myself and I do not want to do this today. I will face the point of losing my mom here is this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when/as I  am engaging/participating in my imagination-memories/moving pictures in my mind- around this issue of my mom as in:  constant pictures of her lying in the hospital bed very uncomfortable and sad at the news she will probably not walk again, pictures of her in my sisters family room dying-palliative care, pictures of her in a wheelchair,  pictures of her with doctors/nurses around her, images of me talking to her doctor on the phone., images of my sister and brothers, images of a funeral and me doing a eulogy, a vase of her ashes (I know it is ridiculous), pictures of family gatherings at holiday times without my mom, images of amputations of toes/feet/legs, images of my grandfather in his wheelchair with no legs, images-fantasy-of my mom telling me she doesn’t want her legs cut off like her dad.

When and as I see myself going into imagination about my mom’s health issues I stop myself and say, ‘No, not participating’ and go back to breath, staying here as in aware with breath as I now see/understand going into/allowing myself to indulge in imagination lead me further down the rabbit hole of my own mind into inner chatter and emotions that can harm me, I cannot control my mom’s health or future by my mind, I already know the situation and do not need to review it, I cannot control when she will/or the fact that she will die or when/the fact that I will die/age by thinking about it, all I can do is remain here and create myself as stability with breath, I cannot effectively direct myself/my day when I am lost in my mind of imagination, it does not assist/support my mother but getting my daily responsibilities done so I  can visit her does/can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when/as I  am engaging/participating in backchat/inner conversation around this issue of some of the following: why does my sister want to have family Easter dinner without my mom? I just want to visit her in the hospital. I don’t care about dumb Easter or any ridiculous holiday B.S., she is suffering, they should give her morphine for god sake, if they amputate her toes/feet/legs it might kill her, surely they will not do that, but then she may not get better, I hate this, the anti-biotics are not working anymore,  it’s so sad, what should I tell her, an electric wheelchair will be awesome, if she ever gets better, I’m afraid to see her, I want to comfort her but I don’t want to be so effected by it, it makes me so sad/depressed/angry, I feel like crap leaving her, I wish she could and would embrace the Desteni message, I wish she did not have to die, what will happen to her, oh great I’m learning all this cool stuff at Desteni and what does mom have to face…oh just death, I hate it….’

When and as I see myself going into my own mind of chatter/backchat I immediately stop the talking and pull myself back to earth with breath-to reality-what is really here and remain here in stability with breath awareness as I now see/understand it is all nonsense from the past, going round and round, like a broken record, I can trust myself to review important things that need to be done at an allotted time and don’t need to talk about them in my mind, it does not mean I don’t care/love/respect my mom if I don’t have talking in my head about her, I am actually more clear and effective within my actions/day when I am not chatting inside my mind, I tend ot think the same things over and over, I cannot trust memories/what I am chatting about because one tends to change the past as memories/backchat to suit ones need/fantasies so one ‘comes out better’/is protected etc. , it does not change reality or assist my mom in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am engaging in the following emotions around this issue of behaving as the ‘sad daughter’: sadness, anger, guilt, regret, fear, curiosity, self-pity, helplessness, hopelessness, disappointment and feelings of : love, respect. 

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, through the process of stopping all such participation in these emotions and feelings around this issue of my mom’s health.From the previous post, Day 113: This writing process is not to suppress the emotion sadness, when I feel a good cry come on I will then simply cry, to release the energies from the physical body. Nor is it to deny the grieving process when someone close to you passes on. It is to stop the internal chatter and energies that come up which cause one lack of sleep, headaches, body aches and the extreme tensions that can arise so one can remain stable and support the person who is ill, and your other relatives, in a more consistent way-also calming emotions as family members can become more erratic and arguments can ensue, for example, talking about taking my mom to one of our houses versus lying in a hospital bed in palliative care, as it is an upsetting/stressful time.

I commit myself to bring my awareness back to breath, as I now realize/see/understand I am feeling guilty about leaving my mom in the hospital suffering/afraid of her future and I get to walk out ‘free as a bird’ with ‘lots to look forward to’ and it just sucks, I get to learn a ton of cool stuff about myself/the universe with/through Desteni and my mom does not and it  would have supported and assisted her to face death but the feeling of guilt in itself does not change anything and actually makes me feel sick and depletes the physical body/eats away at the muscle tissue, I feel anger and sadness because I desire to control this situation, for my mom and myself, in that I want to understand and transcend the slow decline and suffering of the elderly person and then death itself-figure out another way to re-generate the physical so one does not need to have the body disintegrate-be recycled-so I don’t want to let go of the new me that says ‘I am not helpless/hopeless’ as in this case -death- I am/my mom is- we are a victim to the construct of/ and our acceptance of time and that is all there is to it, I do not want to let go of being able to enjoy her company, her being the head of the family/glue that binds us, the idea of her always being at family gatherings, the idea that i need to make sure she is ok/’happy’/has all she needs, the idea that she partly defines me/my story/ as I am her daughter and ‘this is my story’, talk with her, share with her as I actually do not have many ‘friends’ (do not care/want to) BUT my worry/sadness/anger does not change the facts/situation for myself or my mom and is useless and harmful to participate in for my body/physicality.

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Day 113: Sad About My Mom

Got some ‘bad’ news about my mom yesterday that is not really news at all, so shouldn’t upset me so much, but that her feet are not healing and her blood remains infected and will not heal at all. I could already see this in just looking at her feet, why the blood infection will not heal, I’m not sure. So waiting to hear from my brother, after he speaks to her doctor about that issue. I don’t understand why they cannot simply amputate her toes/feet and thus clear up the blood infection?! I do understand she is 86 and weak so do you start chopping away at someones physical body or is that just cruel and dangerous?

I also realize that one persons demise to time, on this planet, is no more tragic/sad than another’s.  However, my mom, for the most part, has been a kind and supportive and enjoyable person throughout my life and I will miss her and do not want her to die/leave. I also live a few hours drive away (from where she is in the hospital), as she is weak and has a hearing problem, it is difficult to communicate with her when I am at home. I feel badly she is mostly lying there by herself, since Sunday, quite helpless and in discomfort and some pain realizing she is not getting better and what that means.

I got myself ‘all worked up‘ yesterday in the emotions of fear, sadness, worry, anxiety and did not sleep well. I reached out for chocolate cookies and more bread, lol, which did not help, to avoid these energies/distract myself and I do not want to do this today. I will face the point of losing my mom here is this blog.

*This writing process is not to suppress the emotion sadness, when I feel a good cry come on I will then simply cry, to release the energies from the physical body. Nor is it to deny the grieving process when someone close to you passes on. It is to stop the internal chatter and energies that come up which cause one lack of sleep, headaches, body aches and the extreme tensions that can arise so one can remain stable and support the person who is ill, and your other relatives, in a more consistent way-also calming emotions as family members can become more erratic and arguments can ensue, for example, talking about taking my mom to one of our houses versus lying in a hospital bed in palliative care, lots of different opinions about that!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I become the embodiment of sadness and as sadness think, ‘I am sad and worried about my mom. I don’t want to lose her. I know she is old but I don’t want her to suffer and then to inevitably  leave/die/cross over. Overall, she was a wonderful and loving parent. I will miss her.

When and as I see myself becoming ‘the sad daugher’ with this thought/thought pattern, I stop myself with breath and tell myself ‘no, not participating’ and commit firmly to staying here, as I now understand these thoughts do not change the facts and what she is going through/facing, I can support and assist her in a much more stable way if I  focus on my life/getting task done so I can go out there/drive to town she is in and spend time with her, we all die-until we can figure out another way lol-death is something we all face eventually, my mom has had a much better life than most on this planet, who knows-perhaps I will be able to communicate /be with her again some other time- somehow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am participating in fear within this thought, as the foundation of it’s existence, as in I am afraid she will suffer emotionally and physically and I cannot control that especially if I am so far away, I am afraid of what death is-for her-what she will face and I cannot control that inevitability and it makes me angry because I do not honor/believe in the design of life, the supposed sacred mystery of life we are not to question lol, so god is an idiot and the design sucks-the circle of life is bull sh**and not beautiful at all in fact it is quite horrific and ugly and painful , I am afraid in a self-interested way as in she is a mirror of what I will face, I am 52 and I am next! So I desire to control this life and death process-for myself and my mom- and stop the death part-at least the way it exists/manifests now-and figure out another way to re-generate the physical body BUT I CANNOT and so when you cannot control something it tends to bring on/manifest fear within ones self.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop all such participation within/as fear around the situation of my mom’s health as I now see/realize /understand my mom will still exist be the same being she has always been in the dimensions and will continue her process there, she may heal-through amputation and be ok in a wheelchair for who knows how long!, we-her four children-will do our utmost to ensure she has sufficient drugs so she does not suffer pain, I have enjoyed her company for 52 years-we have shared a wonderful relationship- not the most intimate but what she and I could do/handle in this lifetime together for many reasons and it was /is full of love and respect and lots of fun, she has enjoyed a life of wealth compared to most, I cannot control this situation and ‘thinking’ about it is a waste of time and harms me mentally and physically, I can just do-make phone calls , go see her be her advocate to the best of my ability and that is my part in physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following behavioral changes-changes in my human physical body when I participate in/as this thought around sadness of my mom of:  lack of sleep, headaches, body aches in the shoulder and lower neck and upper back, tension/tightening in solar plexes, and tightening of the chest and jaw, shallow breathing, a heaviness/overall tiredness like that black cloud looming or mild depression, heavy eyelids.

When and as I see I have gone so far with this thought that it is causing a chain of events that leads to changes within my human physical body, I stop all such participation (thought which causes the emotion-energy reaction, which leads to the behavior changes in the body) and use breath to stabilize myself here, out of my mind as I now understand to continue only depletes me /snuffs out all life as I manifest my desire for escape and fall into bed or reach for food /cigarettes/sweet treats because I cannot control this situation-so I commit to continue on within my day out of my mind and here with breath awareness, as what is  best for all, ending the con of consciouness once and for all and behaving responsibly as life.

To continue with examining imagination, backchat, and emotions and feelings around this point in the next post.

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Day 107: Postponement: ‘I’m Tired, I’ll do it Later’ One More Time

I realize this is a longer post, however, I can see how the anger character, tackled in my last 4 posts is connected to my self-beLIEf that I keep proving to myself over and over that ‘I’m not good enough’ and thus a life long habit of postponement, using sleep as an escape. Years past it was using alcohol and sleep, lol.

So I made a commitment to tackle this connection thus I commit to daily JTL(journey to life) blogging-so starting each day with self-forgiveness- to delve further into my pre-programming of/as the mind of CONsciouness, de-tangling the mess in there, so I may become-through this 7 to 15 year process-life in the physical-a full physical and responsible being!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘tired’ and as ‘tired’ think ‘I’ll do it later’.

When and as I see myself falling into this mind trap character I stop myself and go back to breath, back to my physical body, as I now see/realize/understand I just end up postponing and being a slave to my  mind and then exist within my day as a slave to my mind of all sorts of backchat and emotions of guilt and worry and then have to face the same point of the task I wanted to get done ANYWAY and it is a waste of my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotion of fear, as the foundation/origin of this thought, that I am somehow ‘different’ than others, in that ‘others/they’ get things done/can change but I cannot, as I am not good enough/inferior/a looser, the task is too difficult for me, I cannot learn new things but others can.

When and as I see myself participating in the emotion of fear around this thought, I stop and breathe and bring myself back to my physicality as I  now see/realize/understand I am using it as an excuse to NOT FACE CHANGE by CONSISTENTLY WRITING. In this, I realize I am afraid to face failure, as the ‘I’m not good enough character’ created when I was a child, as when my dad said , ‘Sandy always tries, even though she knows she is going to loose/not win’ after he watched me lose in a running race when I was in primary school. Also, how as a child I ‘stayed in the shadows’, trying to remain quiet and out of the way, listening/watching my Dad being angry at the older children, ruling the household with ‘an iron fist’.

From these 2 points: I accepted the roles  ‘she is the shy one’  and ‘I try hard but I am a loser’ I judged myself because I believed I failed and so I completely gave up on myself as I did not want to experience failure again, because I created a fear towards it and so to protect myself from the fear of failure – I created the ‘I’m not good enough’ character, to not stand up and try again. Over time this manifested more and more as laziness/apathy-no physical movement , especially in the mornings, finding it hard to get up and as life went on it became an addiction to the energy of feeling tired and wanting to nap-but not just a rest half way through the day for the body but to sleep in the morning or mid day. I also see how I have split myself into reacting with positive-bursts of energy movement/getting things done and negative energy-depressed/apathy napping putting things off-SO THAT I LIVE THE ‘I TRY HARD BUT i AM A LOSER’ CHARACTER

I also see some of this pattern is from years of drinking alcoholically and being hung over and so after getting the kids to school-or just being up for an hour or so -I would feel soooo sick I would need to go back to bed and sleep!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage my imagination in/as this tired personality, seeing pictures in my mind of my bed and me all warm/cozy , escaping reality of the day as in tasks/responsibilities as an excuse to not move in the physical-because I fear it is ‘too difficult’/I will fail- or as a reward mid day after completing a task (again to sleep for at least an hour-nothing wrong with resting the body for 30 minutes and focusing on breath in the afternoon to rest the physical) .

When and as I see myself falling into my mind of imagination with moving pictures of escaping into my bed and falling asleep I make the statement ‘NO’ and I stop myself from engaging further in my mind with such pictures and I focus on breath and move in the physical and DO NOT LOOK BACK as I now see/understand to pause/hesitate/stay with this imagination will lead further into my pattern into more thought emotions and physical body changes and I may play out this character and go to bed and waste my day-because of being an energy slave/robot of the mind!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following backchat around this character-and thought pattern:  nap, rest, sleep, pictures of my bed and/or me in bed warm and cozy, I’m so tired, I feel really tired, maybe I could rest now, I don’t have much to do today, I can do this task later, it’s early so there is time for a sleep, I did alot yesterday I deserve to rest, I don’t feel so good so I should rest, my husband works tonight so I have time later/after dinner/when the kids leave (I look after children in the morning and late afternoon), I have so much to do, it makes me tired just thinking about it, I shouldn’t just do this because I’m asked to in my course, I can’t really change that fast, I’ll change tomorrow, my son/husband won’t be home later so I’ll have the house to myself/quiet and be able to focus better so I should rest now, I can’t face this now, I’m overwhelmed and confused by too much information so I can’t face it/straighten it out in my mind to write, just because others can write daily doesn’t mean I can or that I am ready, I’ll do it every other day, that is better for me, I’m not used to this, if I nap now I’ll have more energy to face the day, I’ve changed alot already so I can slow down, I’ll just do some small things now and write later, there is just too much to do, I can put it out of my mind by sleeping, it will feel so good to sleep, yes I’ll just lay down for awhile, it’s ok to lay down, I’m not really postponing cause I know I’m committed,  I didn’t expect to have to do X yesterday/today so that is why I can’t write now…etc.

Also: becoming very whiny in my backchat, kind of weak pathetic as in MANIPULATING MYSELF:  I’m never going to change, I don’t want to, this is too hard, just do it so it doesn’t torture you, I wish I had never started this journey, all I want is to be left alone, I just want to do my course and that’s it, do it-you’ll feel better.

When and as I see myself start to fall into thought patterns/backchat/internal conversation of using sleep/napping in the morning as an excuse to not face myself-write my JTL blog (Journey to Life ) I stop and breathe and get back to my physical awareness here, as life , as I now see/understand participating just feeds the energies and creates more backchat and it is useless and does not change the situation as I will just have to face it later, I will have to drag around more inner chatter and the ‘low’ negative energy of lethargy and guilt that goes with it and it is unpleasant and not what I choose/ how I want to exist anymore, the chatter is all lies as , in common sense, I can do it /write daily each morning (there is almost nothing-no excuse-that could take me away from morning writing as I can be flexible if something comes up of emergency/doctor’s appt. etc. and write less or do it later-now and then).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following emotions around this issue of postponing writing: fear, worry, anxiety, self-pity, self-victimization, hopelessness, helplessness, blame, confusion, overwhelmingness, apathy, lethargy, laziness, guilt, anger, inferiority AND regret, remorse, frustration, self-blame, blame-as the negative energy experience of the thought ‘I’m tired’ and then go into the ‘positive’ energy experience- after I make the decision to not face myself in writing- and have a sleep/nap instead of: relief, happiness, relaxation as I release anxiety, righteousness and excitement.   OR using completion of writing as an excuse for /justification for wanting the reward of a nap (again as in escape/sleep for an hour or more and not just resting the physical body for 30 minutes-which is ok) and then not completing my other responsibilities within the day.

When and as I see myself participating/engaging within/as these positive and negative polarized emotions/feelings concerning this thought of napping, I immediately stop myself and use my breath to bring my awareness back to my physical body and surrounding as I now see/realize/understand:

I no longer want to exist as an organic robot who is simply responding to/reacting to energy in a pre-programmed (dna) design, moving myself in the design of self-interest.  I am sick of it, allowing  a little picture-from the past- and feeling controlling me, I use this postponement as an excuse to not get to other tasks/activities of self-expression such as writing music/playing/singing which I enjoy OR not attending AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings in the evening which I enjoy as many friends are there and I may have an opportunity assist another suffering alcoholic OR rollerblading in the evenings or going for long walks which I enjoy, how can I be a living example of change/birthing myself as life in the physical through the JTL process and the Desteni I Process to my children/others/ MYSELF if I am not actually willing to do it/live it one breath at a time , FINALLY  it actually doesn’t take much time or effort to change myself compared to all the thinking/carrying around ‘heavy’ energy to just MOVE AND DO IT.

I CAN ALSO SEE HOW USING BREATH-HERE-THIS FEELING TIRED MELTS AWAY AND I AM JUST HERE-not using energy at all not tired/not all pumped up/excited but stable and the fear is gone and can move easily to get the task done!

I also realize this ‘I’m not good enough’ character spills over into other areas of my life (marriage/music/career), keeping me stuck using alcohol and/or  sleeping methods to play out this point, allowing me to avoid trying/following through with any degree of completion/sustainability and thus no success. I remain a helpless victim especially in the point of financial dependence within a marriage and thus am often fearful and then angry within my marriage.

I also realize I am not trusting my process of stopping thoughts, as in I’m afraid I will miss something/forget something but as/when I remain her with breath I am actually more clear and effective with my daily tasks/responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following behavioral changes-changes in my human physical body when I participate in/as this thought, ‘I’m Tired, I’ll do it Later’ :  a heaviness within/as me,  my eye lids feel heavy and droopy, my shoulders slump, a heaviness all around me like a black cloud looms overhead. then as I start taking in my head-backchat-about napping/postponing: anxiety as in tightening of my shoulders and in my solar plexes, my jaw stiffens, my breathing becomes shallow. Then after I have made the decision to nap:  my shoulders relax, my breathing becomes deeper/slower, my solar plexes relax. What a con job, what I put my body though, all that energy reaction for nothing but closing my eyes on myself/my life and others, as in what is best for all!

When and as I see I have gone so far with this thought that it is causing changes within my human physical body, I stop all such participation of thought/emotion-energy reaction, use breath to stabilize myself here, out of my mind as I now understand to continue only depletes me /snuffs out all life as I manifest my desire for escape and fall into bed and I do not accomplish these few simple tasks within my day and so do not change as I have committed to do for life, for what is best for all, ending the con of consciouness once and for all and behaving responsibly as life, and giving as I would like to receive and doing unto my neighbour as I would have them do unto me, one family-the earthlings!

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Day 106: When Fear turns to Anger in Break-ups: Part 4

Please read Day 102, 103 and 105  for context to this blog, in which I am continuing to de-constuct my reaction/possession of extreme  fear and then anger to the news our best friends (my partner and I’s) had separated.

Thought:   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the angry, suspicious wife and as the angry, suspicious wife think, ‘Typical , I dislike this man for leaving his wife, who is an awesome person, and men in general for dumping their wives like they are garbage.’ 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and possessed by a reaction of anger within this situation, as well as resentment, blame, fear, confusion, regret, sadness, pity, suspicion, dislike, judgement of another and self-blame/judgement.  In that,  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I  have suppressed anger all my life, from when I was a child about how my father treated my mom and his children (I was the youngest of 4). In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was connecting my experience of anger about how my father treated us from my past TOWARDS OTHER MEN throughout my life so using this as an excuse to play the victim/helpless role in a present situation, such as this one, and blaming another instead of facing myself.

When and as I see myself falling into a reaction of anger, or another of the emotions listed above, and becoming the angry woman character, I stop all such energy movement-as in internal energy movement – and I stop myself from responding/speaking in anger-as an external energy movement, so I am stabilized as breath here and I commit to slow down and not speak at all or wait until I am confident I can speak without the past as /within me –dumping a bunch of garbage onto someone else!  Perhaps that is why I wrote the above thought the way I did ‘…like they are garbage’ because I’ve been carrying around a very large load of it , lol.  I realize this is not to say some people don’t abuse and you should actually not trust them, unfortunately some people do abuse, however, it is the carrying around of the past and expressing ones self/verbalizing ones self from the starting point of the past-instead of self-honest assessment of any given situation in the moment-that is  to be avoided and eliminated from within/as self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so lost in my own reaction of anger  that I experience physical discomfort/bodily changes/reactions of increased heart rate, tension/unease in my solar plexes, stiffening of the muscles in my face and shoulders and neck, shallow breathing.

I commit myself to the process of stopping all such physical reactions from manifesting by bringing my awareness back to the physical with breath and reminding myself I am a physical being and no longer wish to exist as just an energy reactor-like a machine having my buttons pushed ; red for this memory coming up which  then gives you this energy or blue for …. with regard to being/playing the  angry victimized woman and blaming others from my past and present, as I now see/realize/understand how living in the past and/or suppressing a reaction  harms my physicality and my interaction  with people I love/respect and feeds upon itself, so I eventually become totally possessed with rage and am not able to discern reality from fantasy and I then become more and more extreme within my communication. In that, I then face the consequence of having to backtrack and take responsibility for my response and apologize for harming another, who had very little to do with my current reaction of anger.

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Day 89: Ridding myself of the destructive memories of ‘The Remorseful Alcoholic’

Please refer to Day 85 and Day 86, 87, 88  for context to this blog, examining myself as the character, ‘The remorseful alcoholic’.

If you are new to this blog, just to note, I have been sober now for many years, it will be 9 years this April!

I will continue deconstructing the thought, ‘Oh, F, I totally ruined my parent’s wedding anniversary party and it’s memory, for everyone’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to still participate/engage in the following emotions-negative energy reactions- around this thought and the various memories/pictures/internal conversations it brings up:  GUILT,  regret, anger, resentment, remorse,  revenge fantasies, worry, anxiety, jealousy, self-pity, self-doubt, embarrassment,  self-humiliation, self-justification, self-hate, suppression, blame, and self-blame.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop all such participation in such emotions of self-harm concerning this incident of my parent’s anniversary party, and bring myself out of my mind of energy and back to my physical body and the moment at hand with breath, as I now see/realize/understand to engage in these emotions is no longer representative of who I am today as I am no longer drinking and thus is quite useless, it only harms my physicality as the energies consume the flesh, it does not in fact change the past but creates a timeloop-as a starting point-in the present/current reality-from the past- so I cannot effectively direct myself here in my life today, it brings up/connects to other memories and can create an over- whelmingness which builds and leads to thoughts of …drinking! I remind myself I am physical and carrying on, moving within the task at hand and also remind myself I am grateful for all the support I have received and am now giving back within AA and my association within Desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following behavioral changes (physical reactions in my body) in relation to my parent’s anniversary party memory:  note: not necessarily all at the same time/instance:  tiredness, over-whelmingness, heavienss, anxiety-like queesiness/nausea in my stomach, shallow breathing, increased heart-rate, slumped shoulders, tightening of facial muscles and jaw, clenched teeth, slight headache.

I commit myself to, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application, the process of stopping all such participation in creating physical reactions, by bringing my awareness back to my body-to earth myself-with breath and focus on what I am doing within my day and moving with breath each time I find I have let this memory possess me to the point of it changing my body with energy, as I now see/realize/understand  this is not who I want to be anymore, this is not who I choose to be anymore AS I NOW HAVE A REAL CHOICE IN THIS PROCESS, so I remind myself to direct myself here and not follow my programming (self programming) BECAUSE IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY and no one and nothing else’s responsibility, I remind myself no emotion ie. blame will be constructive and that the past is the past, it is gone from this world, never to return and what remains within me is my creation and therefore mine to undo/correct so that the destructive patterns are not repeated-the sins of the father are not passed down-once again- to another generation AND SO I STAND and commit to not repeat the past as patterns, mentally or physically, which is best for all life, here on earth!

Heal Yourself

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Day 88: Voices in the Head of the Addict

Please refer to Day 85 and Day 86, 87  for context to this blog, examining myself as the character, ‘The remorseful alcoholic’.

I will continue deconstructing the thought,’‘Oh, F, I totally ruined my parent’s wedding anniversary party and it’s memory, for everyone’, specifically looking at `backchat` which is the inner dialogue-conversation one has inside one`s own head-mind.

The inner conversation/self-talk/backchat changed significantly from when I was still drinking/using to after I quit, which is 9 years ago now.  I will briefly include both, but mostly focus what is still existent today, inside of me -coming out.

Backchat while I was still drinking:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following backchat around my parent’s anniversary party memory: Oh God, its too awful, I have to drink now so I don’t think about it (the anniversary party), WTF, they think I can quit now? Riiiiight…I have to drink, just today, it will help me through the day and I’ll stop tomorrow, just do it (drink/go to the liquor store) I’ll feel way better, it’ll help with the kids, we’ll have fun, I won’t feel depressed, I want us to have fun, it’s not so bad, I won’t do it again, this is the last time, I deserve it, no one’s gonna know and I really deserve the break, I don’t have anything else in my life to look forward to.

Oh god I can’t stop drinking, I said I wouldn’t do this again, just do it , it’s ok…But I always say this is the last time and am so sure in the morning and then I change my mind, it’s ok, just today, I ‘ll quit tomorrow for sure.

Backchat after I stopped drinking:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following backchat around my parent’s anniversary party memory:  My mom looked so lovely and bought a new outfit and my Dad too and I F’n wrecked it , now they can’t even enjoy pictures and memories of that day, they don’t even talk about for god sake, its like taboo and another unspoken family secret, like more shame and guilt piled up on top of me, they did not print-keep any f’n pictures of the entire party because of me, why can’t they lighten up about it a little bit, I try and make jokes about  it now and then-like we do in AA-nothing we can do about it so sometimes we laugh-poke fun at ourselves, it’s so F’n serious in my family, oh god I messed up so bad, I hope my Dad forgives me, I’m sorry Dad (he has passed)…

Dad did offer to go to family counceling, so sweet of him, so out of his and mom’s comfort zone, I wish I was better and would have said yes or at least been more kind about it,  I did not want to, wasn’t ready to quit for good, I was just so F’d up, oh god those stupid pictures I thought were so important, moving them around my sister’s house, what an idiot I was, what a total ass hole i was, how humiliating, I shouldn’t have spoken so long and over-friendly to my 2nd cousin and his wife, f. the next time I saw them I was sooooo sick/hungover I barely spoke to them, they’re nice people and I confused them…

oh god, what an asshole telling my dad a bunch of crap about death and taking his arm-so comfortable-NOT-I was wasted, how could I have done that, how inappropriate, to ruin his special day with Mom, he was often a good father, gave me so much, what was I thinking, what a complete idiot, thank god everyone had left, I wonder if the whole family will know about this, thank god they don’t think I’m mentally ill, thank god I’m out of there, I have to be very careful, can’t loose the kids, that was close…

OMG, it’s just too awful, I can’t think about it (the police/handcuffs on my sister’s front lawn), thank god they forgive me (all my family), I can’t believe I blamed them at first and was so angry, what an idiot, thank god I talked my way out of there, I can never mess up like that again…

why did I scream like that.. that was so weird, that was terrible, I was such a drama queen, I treated those police officers horribly, poor P. (my brother) that must have been awful for him, my poor parents they were so understanding, my mother doesn’t ‘get me’, she isn’t an addict, how embarrassing for my sister and brother-in-law to have me go crazy in front of their neighbours, my brother thinks I’m schizophrenic, my sister-in-law always treated me different after that, she thinks I’m no fun now I don’t drink, oh god I hope that is not one of the reasons they spit up (one of my brothers go divorced).

To be continued.

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Also, Please check out the following Links:

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Earth’s Journey to Life

http://physicsjourneytolife.blogspot.ca

Follow the Economist Journey to Life   Equal Money Capitalism will ensure a Dignified Life for everyone, as everyone will be in a position to acquire resources to support themselves to Live their Life, where needs are taken care of while still allowing for wants to be explored.

Day 49: Can you break a sleeping pill addiction?

I used over the counter sleep medication for years, about 10 years, not a prescribed narcotic ‘sleeping pill’ but none the less a physical and psychological dependency. I started taking these pills sporadically when I was having trouble with my mind and then also when I found I was waking up, not getting a good sleep, from my alcoholism. One thing leads to another. So I was not falling asleep regularly but passing out and waking up feeling horrible and having difficulty getting back/staying asleep. Also I was experiencing trouble with my mind chatter and not being able to sleep because of the ‘noise’ in my head and being frightened by images/dreams/’messages’/information coming to me while I slept. Quite terrifying.

Desteni freed me from this dependency, no doubt about it, as I now understand and do not fear my mind (of course understanding the mind is a process). I have been free from taking any sleep medication now for one year (and free from alcohol for almost 9 years). Now it is time to free myself from the memories of this addiction, let’s begin!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drug myself so that I could sleep. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to be so afraid of myself, separating me from myself, that I had to drug myself to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know better than doctors what to do with my body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust the medical profession or my family or my ex’s family that they would let the children stay with me (let me raise them) if I told them I was ‘hearing voices’ and couldn’t sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to the extent I placed all my trust /respect /love outside of myself in separation of myself and got so sick I nearly died. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself be influenced by guilt which was triggered by the thought, ‘Now I have a dependency on sleeping pills, I shouldn’t take them but they help me sleep, it is frightening to sleep otherwise and I need sleep to function.’

I forgive myself for being directed by the emotion of pride triggered by the thought, “Soon after I found Desteni and understood what was happening with my mind I no longer let my mind frighten/bully me at night and began withdrawing from this dependency almost right away.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on longer than I needed to , to start withdrawing from the sleep aid thinking/justifying, ‘It’s a comfort to me, it feels good, I don’t drink now so no big deal.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear triggered by the thought, ” I shouldn’t have taken sleep medication, it is a drug, I wonder what the long term effects are of taking these things for years?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt triggered by the thought,”‘It’s difficult for me to get a 9 to 5 job again because of the sleep medication, I am ‘damaged goods’ not a ‘full person’ anymore, oh well, I guess my husband could leave me because I don’t earn a lot of income, I should have married someone with more money.” I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself go into an energetic reaction of sadness and self-pity triggered by the thought, ‘I am damaged goods because I went nuts, drank and then used sleeping pills to survive my mind.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize the use of a sleep aid so I could keep my ‘comfort’ knowing it limited the number of productive hours I have in a day, it is a ball and chain (dependency on a drug is an enslavement) in that I never want to run out or not have them if I am not at home unexpectedly, I need to take them at a precise time each night, they cost money , they make me groggy when I’m awake and cause me to have a rest/nap mid-day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drug myself so I am not able to be a fully functioning participant in my world and I am instead enslaved to sleep and a ‘feeling’ of tiredness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as an escape from my reality with the thought, ‘oh well, I’ll just get through this day, it doesn’t matter if I nap, it’s almost over’, instead of seizing the opportunity of each moment to live/give/ and receive in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by ‘worry’ and ego about what others will think of me, think that I am stupid, less than, undeserving because of my dependency on a sleep medication. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping pills as my alcoholism worsened to be able to ‘get through the night’ and not wake up so early and sleep through part of the ‘hang over’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my dependency on sleep aids from my husband triggered by the thought, ‘He won’t respect me/love me/won’t marry me/ will leave me if he knows I take sleeping pills.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my use of a sleeping aid from others as in my children, family,  friends and people in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) brought up by the thought, ‘They won’t respect me, love me, will abandon me, will say I am still an addict if they know I use a sleep aid.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘Fuck them, I know what I’m doing, I can do what I want, it hurts no one but me, I am doing what I need to survive, ‘if I stop drinking booze but can’t sleep, it just doesn’t work!’  in relation to my use of a sleep aid.

Day 48: How do you Break Addiction? Commitment Statements: part 8 of Alcoholicm

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as the self-directive force of me, here, in each moment of breath. Breaking the chains!

I commit myself to living in moment to moment awareness of my thoughts, by using the breath to remain here, therefore, whenever I catch myself with pictures in my mind–as the first thought–bringing up the memories from the cottage and my relatives, I use self-trust and self-honesty to stop, breathe and bring myself back to the physical, as I now see/realize/understand I do not need memories to know what happened in the past, I still indeed do know without having pictures/thoughts then subsequent feelings/emotions/bodily reactions, which only serve to harm my physicality by using energy to consume the flesh.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever a memory pops up, within and as me, of an old girlfriend who offered to watch the kids while I went to an AA meeting, and breath as I now see/realize/understand this only brings on a whole slew of thoughts and pictures (imaginings) that take me away from my current reality and I cannot effectively direct myself here when I am wasting time in my head, going over once again, these memories and the ones connected. I realize I was very sick and not able to discern what would be best for me and the children at the time and going to her home was not a good choice as it just brought on self-judgement, self-abusive talk (backchat) and judgement about her, when she was trying to be supportive.

I commit myself to stop myself and breathe, at the first thought-picture of this woman’s kitchen/woman, before I connect it to AA (alcoholics anonymous)  if I find myself in reaction of being over taken by the emotions of guilt, self-hate, self-pity, jealousy, remorse, regret, dislike, judgement of another (through backchat). I remind myself that I am physical and not this -a mind-stuck in the past, I remind myself I am no longer poor but here and I have all I need and no longer want more, the abundance wealth brings, until all-ALL- have what they need to live in decency and comfort, no one needs opulence and I was wrong to exist in/participate in the design of  comparison/polarities, of haves and have nots. When all have what they need, we can then all enjoy the process of creating, not just what we need but what we want, for enjoyment as well!

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application, stop myself from engaging/participating in memories by following them down the rabbit hole, of trusting in a ‘higher being/power’ and indeed trusting in my own self-doubt, before trusting myself here! As many times I would say to myself , ‘what if you were just beamed down and found yourself in this body, what would you do ?’ and the answer was clear enough but I would fall back into the trap of listening to ‘guidance’/dreams/voices and also the bottle/using alcohol to block out these voices/messages, the circle of doubt spiraling downward day after day, as I now see/realize/understand nothing is served by this repetitive cycle but existing as an organic robot, beLIEving the program (that I wrote in the first 7 years of my life-see heavens journey to life)  to be me and then I am unable to be the self-directive force of me here and be of true service to myself, my children, all human beings, the animal and plant kingdom.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I have a memory come up, showing me it still exists within and as me, of being directed by the emotions of inferiority/less than/victimization/helplessness/suicidal thoughts, during my years of alcoholic self-abuse, and commit to stand in absolute stability as me here, out of my mind of the past as thoughts/memories/reactions and create a rock solid starting point of me here, as I now see/realize/understand  to entertain these thoughts/memories/reactions only compromises my very physicality, as the mind uses the energy created from my participation, to consume the flesh to create more energy for its own survival. So, by using the mind I am feeding on my own self, in actual fact, until there will be nothing left of me, this is no longer acceptable to me and I stand and stop and say ‘NO” to the mind (out loud if I am alone). I also now see/understand self-pity exists in self-interest for me alone and I am no longer allowing myself to live in separation from the whole. In that, I remind myself, although I did harm myself with alcohol and spirituality I was not capable of  anything else at the time and my life is stable today and enjoyable in many ways.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I find I am participating in memories of when I did not trust myself, as my decision to not work in a traditional job or participate much in traditional society, and to catch myself by being aware with breath, whenever I go into self-doubt, as I now see/realize/understand this is again the mind pulling me into lala land, completely unproductive, existing from the starting point of the past, again enslaved by the mind as/of memory experiences, instead of here, free to express/enjoy/create/share with no label/attachment/preformed opinions  towards myself/others/my environment.

Day 45: Alcoholism: How Do I Face What I Have Done? part 5

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of L. saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I stank of booze through my pores and was sweaty and shaky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, sitting at the bar smoking thinking about the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, I just used them to feed my ego, I used them physically and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I never remembered them and I would brush them off  because I was hung over and feeling like crap, me me me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to those men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me, on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across as a super friendly/flirty/strong/confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, how pathetic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being self-honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better/superior or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex- husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a relative, one Christmas, at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage, a husband who is a ‘good’ guy, and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idiot, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face.  She has positioned herself in the world systems so she ‘has it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck, I am a complete loser and she is so together, why did she have to do that and throw it in my face? She is so insensitive.”

Solution: Facing these consequences as memories With Commitment Statements to follow

Day 44: Commitment Statements : No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction Character part 4

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as the self-directive force of me, here, in each moment of breath. Breaking the chains!

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application, from existing as the past/from the starting point of the past in thinking about how I hurt my children through my drinking-questioning it-mulling it over and over in my mind letting it possess/control my day and each moment, as I now see/realize/understand this does not change the past, what is done is done, and I can now only direct myself here in responsibility to my children, myself and all of humanity, the animal kingdom and nature by standing back up each time I fall, facing myself as fear, the fear I have carried with me as memories of the character of ‘the alcoholic Mom’, fear of the consequences, each time I face this character and refuse to participate in the subsequent thoughts/emotions/feelings, I remove a layer of the memories I have built up over many years, until she will exist no longer.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a memory come up of apologizing to my children for being drunk and the deep regret it brought with it, as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible parent but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application be aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret of the past and believing the past has a hold of myself and/or my son because of my drinking, as I now see/realize/understand we are both here and not the prisoners of the past, as he is doing well in University and holds a job, I am here for him and he knows this, as well, I realize it is a waste of time to hold these memories within and as me, as I can support and assist him and myself more effectively by being here and not lost in my mind of regret.

I commit myself to moment to moment self-awareness so that when memories arise within my consciousness, to take me away from my current reality here,  of drinking and driving and of  P.’s birthday party in the ravine, I stop, I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.