I realize this is a longer post, however, I can see how the anger character, tackled in my last 4 posts is connected to my self-beLIEf that I keep proving to myself over and over that ‘I’m not good enough’ and thus a life long habit of postponement, using sleep as an escape. Years past it was using alcohol and sleep, lol.
So I made a commitment to tackle this connection thus I commit to daily JTL(journey to life) blogging-so starting each day with self-forgiveness- to delve further into my pre-programming of/as the mind of CONsciouness, de-tangling the mess in there, so I may become-through this 7 to 15 year process-life in the physical-a full physical and responsible being!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘tired’ and as ‘tired’ think ‘I’ll do it later’.
When and as I see myself falling into this mind trap character I stop myself and go back to breath, back to my physical body, as I now see/realize/understand I just end up postponing and being a slave to my mind and then exist within my day as a slave to my mind of all sorts of backchat and emotions of guilt and worry and then have to face the same point of the task I wanted to get done ANYWAY and it is a waste of my time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotion of fear, as the foundation/origin of this thought, that I am somehow ‘different’ than others, in that ‘others/they’ get things done/can change but I cannot, as I am not good enough/inferior/a looser, the task is too difficult for me, I cannot learn new things but others can.
When and as I see myself participating in the emotion of fear around this thought, I stop and breathe and bring myself back to my physicality as I now see/realize/understand I am using it as an excuse to NOT FACE CHANGE by CONSISTENTLY WRITING. In this, I realize I am afraid to face failure, as the ‘I’m not good enough character’ created when I was a child, as when my dad said , ‘Sandy always tries, even though she knows she is going to loose/not win’ after he watched me lose in a running race when I was in primary school. Also, how as a child I ‘stayed in the shadows’, trying to remain quiet and out of the way, listening/watching my Dad being angry at the older children, ruling the household with ‘an iron fist’.
From these 2 points: I accepted the roles ‘she is the shy one’ and ‘I try hard but I am a loser’ I judged myself because I believed I failed and so I completely gave up on myself as I did not want to experience failure again, because I created a fear towards it and so to protect myself from the fear of failure – I created the ‘I’m not good enough’ character, to not stand up and try again. Over time this manifested more and more as laziness/apathy-no physical movement , especially in the mornings, finding it hard to get up and as life went on it became an addiction to the energy of feeling tired and wanting to nap-but not just a rest half way through the day for the body but to sleep in the morning or mid day. I also see how I have split myself into reacting with positive-bursts of energy movement/getting things done and negative energy-depressed/apathy napping putting things off-SO THAT I LIVE THE ‘I TRY HARD BUT i AM A LOSER’ CHARACTER
I also see some of this pattern is from years of drinking alcoholically and being hung over and so after getting the kids to school-or just being up for an hour or so -I would feel soooo sick I would need to go back to bed and sleep!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage my imagination in/as this tired personality, seeing pictures in my mind of my bed and me all warm/cozy , escaping reality of the day as in tasks/responsibilities as an excuse to not move in the physical-because I fear it is ‘too difficult’/I will fail- or as a reward mid day after completing a task (again to sleep for at least an hour-nothing wrong with resting the body for 30 minutes and focusing on breath in the afternoon to rest the physical) .
When and as I see myself falling into my mind of imagination with moving pictures of escaping into my bed and falling asleep I make the statement ‘NO’ and I stop myself from engaging further in my mind with such pictures and I focus on breath and move in the physical and DO NOT LOOK BACK as I now see/understand to pause/hesitate/stay with this imagination will lead further into my pattern into more thought emotions and physical body changes and I may play out this character and go to bed and waste my day-because of being an energy slave/robot of the mind!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following backchat around this character-and thought pattern: nap, rest, sleep, pictures of my bed and/or me in bed warm and cozy, I’m so tired, I feel really tired, maybe I could rest now, I don’t have much to do today, I can do this task later, it’s early so there is time for a sleep, I did alot yesterday I deserve to rest, I don’t feel so good so I should rest, my husband works tonight so I have time later/after dinner/when the kids leave (I look after children in the morning and late afternoon), I have so much to do, it makes me tired just thinking about it, I shouldn’t just do this because I’m asked to in my course, I can’t really change that fast, I’ll change tomorrow, my son/husband won’t be home later so I’ll have the house to myself/quiet and be able to focus better so I should rest now, I can’t face this now, I’m overwhelmed and confused by too much information so I can’t face it/straighten it out in my mind to write, just because others can write daily doesn’t mean I can or that I am ready, I’ll do it every other day, that is better for me, I’m not used to this, if I nap now I’ll have more energy to face the day, I’ve changed alot already so I can slow down, I’ll just do some small things now and write later, there is just too much to do, I can put it out of my mind by sleeping, it will feel so good to sleep, yes I’ll just lay down for awhile, it’s ok to lay down, I’m not really postponing cause I know I’m committed, I didn’t expect to have to do X yesterday/today so that is why I can’t write now…etc.
Also: becoming very whiny in my backchat, kind of weak pathetic as in MANIPULATING MYSELF: I’m never going to change, I don’t want to, this is too hard, just do it so it doesn’t torture you, I wish I had never started this journey, all I want is to be left alone, I just want to do my course and that’s it, do it-you’ll feel better.
When and as I see myself start to fall into thought patterns/backchat/internal conversation of using sleep/napping in the morning as an excuse to not face myself-write my JTL blog (Journey to Life ) I stop and breathe and get back to my physical awareness here, as life , as I now see/understand participating just feeds the energies and creates more backchat and it is useless and does not change the situation as I will just have to face it later, I will have to drag around more inner chatter and the ‘low’ negative energy of lethargy and guilt that goes with it and it is unpleasant and not what I choose/ how I want to exist anymore, the chatter is all lies as , in common sense, I can do it /write daily each morning (there is almost nothing-no excuse-that could take me away from morning writing as I can be flexible if something comes up of emergency/doctor’s appt. etc. and write less or do it later-now and then).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following emotions around this issue of postponing writing: fear, worry, anxiety, self-pity, self-victimization, hopelessness, helplessness, blame, confusion, overwhelmingness, apathy, lethargy, laziness, guilt, anger, inferiority AND regret, remorse, frustration, self-blame, blame-as the negative energy experience of the thought ‘I’m tired’ and then go into the ‘positive’ energy experience- after I make the decision to not face myself in writing- and have a sleep/nap instead of: relief, happiness, relaxation as I release anxiety, righteousness and excitement. OR using completion of writing as an excuse for /justification for wanting the reward of a nap (again as in escape/sleep for an hour or more and not just resting the physical body for 30 minutes-which is ok) and then not completing my other responsibilities within the day.
When and as I see myself participating/engaging within/as these positive and negative polarized emotions/feelings concerning this thought of napping, I immediately stop myself and use my breath to bring my awareness back to my physical body and surrounding as I now see/realize/understand:
I no longer want to exist as an organic robot who is simply responding to/reacting to energy in a pre-programmed (dna) design, moving myself in the design of self-interest. I am sick of it, allowing a little picture-from the past- and feeling controlling me, I use this postponement as an excuse to not get to other tasks/activities of self-expression such as writing music/playing/singing which I enjoy OR not attending AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings in the evening which I enjoy as many friends are there and I may have an opportunity assist another suffering alcoholic OR rollerblading in the evenings or going for long walks which I enjoy, how can I be a living example of change/birthing myself as life in the physical through the JTL process and the Desteni I Process to my children/others/ MYSELF if I am not actually willing to do it/live it one breath at a time , FINALLY it actually doesn’t take much time or effort to change myself compared to all the thinking/carrying around ‘heavy’ energy to just MOVE AND DO IT.
I CAN ALSO SEE HOW USING BREATH-HERE-THIS FEELING TIRED MELTS AWAY AND I AM JUST HERE-not using energy at all not tired/not all pumped up/excited but stable and the fear is gone and can move easily to get the task done!
I also realize this ‘I’m not good enough’ character spills over into other areas of my life (marriage/music/career), keeping me stuck using alcohol and/or sleeping methods to play out this point, allowing me to avoid trying/following through with any degree of completion/sustainability and thus no success. I remain a helpless victim especially in the point of financial dependence within a marriage and thus am often fearful and then angry within my marriage.
I also realize I am not trusting my process of stopping thoughts, as in I’m afraid I will miss something/forget something but as/when I remain her with breath I am actually more clear and effective with my daily tasks/responsibilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following behavioral changes-changes in my human physical body when I participate in/as this thought, ‘I’m Tired, I’ll do it Later’ : a heaviness within/as me, my eye lids feel heavy and droopy, my shoulders slump, a heaviness all around me like a black cloud looms overhead. then as I start taking in my head-backchat-about napping/postponing: anxiety as in tightening of my shoulders and in my solar plexes, my jaw stiffens, my breathing becomes shallow. Then after I have made the decision to nap: my shoulders relax, my breathing becomes deeper/slower, my solar plexes relax. What a con job, what I put my body though, all that energy reaction for nothing but closing my eyes on myself/my life and others, as in what is best for all!
When and as I see I have gone so far with this thought that it is causing changes within my human physical body, I stop all such participation of thought/emotion-energy reaction, use breath to stabilize myself here, out of my mind as I now understand to continue only depletes me /snuffs out all life as I manifest my desire for escape and fall into bed and I do not accomplish these few simple tasks within my day and so do not change as I have committed to do for life, for what is best for all, ending the con of consciouness once and for all and behaving responsibly as life, and giving as I would like to receive and doing unto my neighbour as I would have them do unto me, one family-the earthlings!
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