Day 135: Deconstructing the Words ‘Reading Glasses’ 2

Please refer to the previous post for context to this blog.

Continuing with Self forgiveness on the word/s: Reading Glasses

FEAR DIMENSION

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fear and as fear associate/connect reading glasses with aging and death – the process of both. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am in fear of feeling like a victim/powerless within aging and death being ‘inevitable’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize  when I am being controlled /directed by fear in thinking I will be criticized for questioning the wisdom of this ‘inevitable‘ process, as if it is sacred  and therefore blasphemy-assuming god-like qualities.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I connect the word ‘stiffen’ with stiff or a dead person(One of the prominent words used to describe the condition of the crystalline lens causing the lack of ability to focus close up).  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I often have pictures/advertisements  in my mind, that I give a negative charge to,  when I imagine someone wearing reading glasses, and pictures/advertisements  in my mind that I give a  positive charge to of someone younger wearing glasses so I have polarized the word/s ‘reading glasses as negative/bad within the fear of aging and death.

When and as I see myself allowing fear to direct me within my mind of good/bad polarities of the words ‘reading glasses’ I immediately stop and use my breath to bring myself out of my mind and back to reality, to the physical, as I now see/realize/understand they are neither good or bad but a practical tool one uses as needed and until and if I can correct this physical condition, I will continue to use them, gratefully. In that, I realize this does not mean one cannot investigate this issue and work toward a solution that will correct the condition, in a way that is best for all.

Internal Conversation and Backchat Dimension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am participating/engaging within some of the following, as talking inside my own head:  Oh god, I hate these f**n things, where are my damn glasses, I can’t see a thing, what is wrong with me, I’m going blind, I can’t read, they always break, I gotta get better reading glasses, these are cheap but all I can afford, I’m helpless against this and I hate it,  there is nothing I can do about it, I can’t change this situation, what next? That’s what happens to most when you get older, well I am older, well I am fifty-two.

When and as I see myself participating in backchat/internal conversation about my reading glasses I stop and breathe and bring my awareness back to the physical  as I now see/realize/understand  my physical body is an intelligent, aware life form and I am only harming myself, as in layering these useless thoughts within the physical flesh more and more as I participate.

Emotion and Feeling Dimension  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize  I am participating withing the following emotions within the words ‘reading glasses’ : fear, anger, self-blame, blame of a creator that is not myself, embarrassment, hopelessness, helplessness, victimization, self-victimization.

When and as I see myself engaging in these emotions around the words ”reading glasses’ I stop and breathe and remind myself I am physical as I now see/realize/understand to participate only keeps me stuck within the polarity of positive and negative, good and bad, believing the need to use reading glasses is bad, which is of the mind, and I am not able to remain in stability here to move/direct myself toward a practical solution of correction as I fall into the trap of being a hopeless victim, beLIEving  it is impossible to change /learn/grow in awareness toward a correction in the physical.

Physical Reactions and Behaviors/Consequence Dimension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am instructing my physical to react to the messages I give it, as in the words ‘reading glasses’ are negatively charged within images/memories/emotions aligning the use of reading glasses to age, depletion of the eyes ability to focus, inhibiting the bodies ability to heal/repair/re-build.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am  creating the consequence of requiring ever increasing magnify strength to be able to focus what I am seeing,  by abdicating my responsibility to learn how to heal myself and thus subjugating my eyes to their  pre-programming to worsen over time.

When and as I see myself falling into this pattern, of assuming the human eyes worsen over time within the words ‘reading glasses’, I stop myself with breath and bring myself out of my mind, of thoughts/memories/pictures and back down to earth as I now understand I am the creator, as in I am responsible for the consequences of what I experience in this physical existence and within my human physcial body and nothing will change/happen (except the continuation of a slow decline of the functioning of the eyes) unless I am the directive principal /force moving and directing myself here within the starting point of oneness and equality in the physical.  I commit myself to slow down and be aware of the words I speak, as becoming one and equal to the living word, here as the flesh of the human being and substance of the earth.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE

RE-PARENT YOURSELF: RE-BIRTH YOURSELF TO BECOME THE LIVING WORD!

	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development: Phase I: 0-1 Years Phase II: 1-3 Years Phase III: 3-7 Years
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: The relationship to Sound and Energy of Words.
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when the Baby Resists the Energy of the Words?
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when a Baby Accepts the Energy of the Words?

Day 134: My Eyes Are Getting Worse: ‘I Need Reading Glasses’

I wear contact lenses, a relatively strong perscription. In the last few years I have needed reading glasses, which are basically a magnify glass, I just pick them up at the local pharmacy.  I have noticed over the last few months I am needing ever increasing magnify strength and often driving at night is more difficult. It’s extremely frustration when you can’t read something and don’t have a  pair of reading glasses handy ( do not want to look ‘old’ and wear them around my neck, lol) and somewhat concerning as ones eye sight is so vital!  So, here I am beginning the process of examining  this physical point, by firstly looking at the key words I associate with reading glasses within my life and how I live them and incorporate them-as myself and into myself.  I will apply self-forgiveness and a self-corrective application to each word in order to live in awareness with the words I speak, with more understanding of the pre-programming the physical body has to live with, and how I have been instructing my eyes, in each moment of my life, with information about age/time/doctors etc. and so how to act/be.   So it will be a fascinating undertaking to walk my muti-dimensional realtionship with my eyes, specifically with the point/thought of ‘I need reading glasses’ and the process of  changing this relationship so I become the living word!

In this post I am examining my relationship to the word/s:  reading glasses

Thought Dimension:  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I think, ‘ I need reading glasses ‘. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am believing everything I have seen, as in images in print/television/pictures in books/movies and heard from ‘authorities’  such as parents/doctors/author of a book that has been telling me that when a person reaches ‘middle age’  it is ‘normal’ for everything up close to appear blurry. Indeed, I have been IN-FORMED throughout my life that as moments pass/time pass, the body depletes, ages, decays and the process to deal with this is through REACTION RATHER THAN PREVENTION and/or correction, meaning you just wait and when this occurs you buy reading glasses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words ‘reading glasses’ to the words ‘I’ and ‘need’.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop myself from engaging/participating in the thought, ‘I need reading glasses’ whenever I find I am thinking that it is ‘normal’ and inevitable to need reading glasses I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical out of my mind, as I now see/realize/understand it is no longer acceptable to me that this be normal, as over time a depletion of the physical, brought about through participation within the mind, so a slow/eventual decaying/depleting of tissue of/in the physical eyes.

I commit to remind myself that the human body is alive and intelligent and can just as easily be programmed (the codes re-wrtiten) to correction:  to grow/to expand/to replenish/reconstitute/re-substantiate the substance of the physical eyes, why should this not been considered normal, to-as ones eyes loose the ability to focus at close range- re-build the  effected areas:  the crystalline lens, so it can get back the flexibility it requires and/or the ciliary muscle, so it can gain back the strength it requires to continue to focus the eye at close range.

Some research:    The condition of needing reading glasses is called: presbyopia. ‘For some individuals this can occur as early as their mid 30′s for others in their mid 40’s.  The reason for this is a loss of focusing ability (accommodation).   When we are children we have a much greater ability to focus our eyes at near…. perhaps as close as 1 – 2 inches.  As we reach our late 20’s that ability has reduced significantly… we may only be able to focus in to 7-9 inches.  For most of us around the age of 40… it has further reduced to what is a normal reading distance of 16 inches.’   http://blog.paeyedoctor.com/aging-eye/reading-glasses-age-40/

‘What is it that causes this loss of focusing ability?  It used to be thought that the ciliary muscle (the muscle that surrounds the lens of the eye) over time becomes weaker… and therefore can not contract as much.   Normally, when the ciliary muscle contracts the crystalline lens gains power and allows us to focus when we read.  More recent research indicate that the loss of focusing ability has more to do with the loss of flexibility (as it stiffens) of the crystalline lens…’ http://www.thirdeyehealth.com/crystalline-lens.html

To Continue in the next post

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Day 119: Strengths and Weaknesses In My Journey To Life

Today, I will pause for a moment to reflect on what I have learned and how I am living/incorporating what I have learned throughout each day, so that I ensure I am not just accumulating a bunch of knowledge and information, useless in itself without a physical and mental application. I will do this by writing about strengths and weaknesses I can identify within my process, DIP (Desteni I Process Pro).

STRENGTHS

Daily Writing:  I have begun writing a blog each day (6 days a week, as Sunday I go support my mom, long drive). I can see how it is much more beneficial to do daily writing and actually it is ‘easier’ as I am not fighting with myself as much about, as in internal conversation ‘I have to write my blog tomorrow’ kind of thing. I also find I stress about it less as it is consistent, a constant in my life. It has been assisting to remind myself -when I find I am going to start thinking about it, ‘I start my day with self-forgiveness’ and leave it at that. Each time I start having thoughts (complaints usually , lol  ‘I can’t be spending my whole morning every morning writing, for god sake!’  Note: I just had a monster cold so did not publish a blog yesterday but am back at it today.

The Observer: I am becoming more and more aware of my thoughts, as in observing them. I notice this more often throughout my day AND IF I DON’T I STOP AND REMIND MYSELF TO BE MORE AWARE AND  STAY WITH BREATH as they are almost constant. I am realizing how constantly and consistently I think, no wonder I needed to drink , lol, to stop the machine or ‘committee’ in ones head (as they say in AA Alcoholics Anonymous). I catch myself, maybe 10% of the time,  with a single picture in my mind, usually of a face-person I know-and often apply SF (Self-forgiveness) for the first thought as a picture-so I do not follow the thought, down the rabbit hole into:   fear/imagination/backchat/emotions and feelings/behavioral changes/consequences, so that is very cool. So I say, ‘I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the first thought as a picture/pixel in my mind, of X’.  I can also see how, as I have simplified my life quite a bit to do process, the same thoughts keep coming up, circling over and over and the uselessness of this and how it just occupies me/throws me off track from accomplishing/staying focused on certain tasks throughout my day.

Back to Breath:  I can  see how I am staying in imagination less, so I catch myself-become aware I am lost in/within my mind of moving images of the past as memories or a fantasy of the present or future and I tend to keep following it less often and /or am aware of my tendency to continue to follow it. Often I do this because I am fearful to forget something so, as soon as I am able, I find paper and pen and write down the thing I find so important so I can be comfortable not thinking about, OR a few times lately I have asked myself ‘do I really need to write this down? No, I will remember.’ or ‘It is actually not something I need to remember or do at this time’. Then I relax and let it go.  Most importantly I say , ‘Back to Breath!’ and continue moving in the physical.

WEAKNESSES

Sleep as an Escape:  It is a little hard to say as I have been quite sick for the last week with a brutal cold, so have needed more sleep. Regardless, mid morning, my mind and body are quite conditioned to feel tired and I find specific pictures pop up in my mind and the words tired/little nap/rest/little sleep/lay down popping up–after I have a cigarette usually.  I enjoy 5 cigarettes per day and they are at certain times so it is very habitual and I have trained myself this way, lol.  I am going to have to walk the point of changing the association between cigarette and bed-the words the pictures-as I really enjoy my smokes and have no plans at this time to give them up.

Fearing doing Vlogs:  It seems my mind just loooooves  to fear something!  I have been doing vlogs for a few years within my Desteni participation, so I am all over this one, as I can see I have developed a small fear –better face it while it is still small—of doing vlogs. Lots of backchat: I don’t like what I chose for my channel title, how do you put on a channel title, my vlogs are weak, too much effort to plan, I don’t like to plan vlogs, when I plan vlogs I get waaayyy more hits/views, shit ’cause I don’t like to plan vlogs,  I’m not good at vlogs, maybe I’ll be hurt or one of my children will be harmed because of doing vlogs- by some radical viewer who doesn’t like equality, blah, blah…’   Also, an irrational fear, based on self-interest that I will be punished either now by being zapped/killed/replaced or later when I face death BUT what difference does it make, I will face death regardless and I have made a commitment to myself, to make the best use of my time here as possible, being to remain with process and communicate a message of EMC, Equal Money Capitalism, as a solution (a step/part) to the world’s many problems.

True Empowerment

So I can see also that , as soon as I started writing daily, I stopped doing my weekend vlogs. I was not /am not ‘used to’ the time and dedication it takes, as of yet, so this is somewhat understandable but not acceptable, as it is my responsibility to push through my pre-programming, to not accept myself as limitation/life as limitation but to become expansion/expression of self as life. I will begin the process of doing every other day vlogging to spread the message of equality and how it is possible for us to change and create a new world that is best for all, vocalize what I am learning in process for myself and share what I learn, and to thus introduce people to DIP (Desteni I Process).

Breath Awareness, I Can Loose it Quickly!  Finally, I have noticed I can get lost very quickly and loose breath awareness so fast and then become frustrated /discouraged, so I am reacting to my mind and may have a thought, ‘this is impossible’. The correction is simple enough-I remind myself ‘don’t react to the mind,  back to breath’.  I am doing this but I am finding I can get away from here as I am concerned about my mom and have lots of thought/emotions/feeling circling around. Going back to breath assist greatly in stabilizing myself , so not go further go into anxiety and feeling sick in my stomach of nausea, which was starting to happen.

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Day 107: Postponement: ‘I’m Tired, I’ll do it Later’ One More Time

I realize this is a longer post, however, I can see how the anger character, tackled in my last 4 posts is connected to my self-beLIEf that I keep proving to myself over and over that ‘I’m not good enough’ and thus a life long habit of postponement, using sleep as an escape. Years past it was using alcohol and sleep, lol.

So I made a commitment to tackle this connection thus I commit to daily JTL(journey to life) blogging-so starting each day with self-forgiveness- to delve further into my pre-programming of/as the mind of CONsciouness, de-tangling the mess in there, so I may become-through this 7 to 15 year process-life in the physical-a full physical and responsible being!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘tired’ and as ‘tired’ think ‘I’ll do it later’.

When and as I see myself falling into this mind trap character I stop myself and go back to breath, back to my physical body, as I now see/realize/understand I just end up postponing and being a slave to my  mind and then exist within my day as a slave to my mind of all sorts of backchat and emotions of guilt and worry and then have to face the same point of the task I wanted to get done ANYWAY and it is a waste of my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotion of fear, as the foundation/origin of this thought, that I am somehow ‘different’ than others, in that ‘others/they’ get things done/can change but I cannot, as I am not good enough/inferior/a looser, the task is too difficult for me, I cannot learn new things but others can.

When and as I see myself participating in the emotion of fear around this thought, I stop and breathe and bring myself back to my physicality as I  now see/realize/understand I am using it as an excuse to NOT FACE CHANGE by CONSISTENTLY WRITING. In this, I realize I am afraid to face failure, as the ‘I’m not good enough character’ created when I was a child, as when my dad said , ‘Sandy always tries, even though she knows she is going to loose/not win’ after he watched me lose in a running race when I was in primary school. Also, how as a child I ‘stayed in the shadows’, trying to remain quiet and out of the way, listening/watching my Dad being angry at the older children, ruling the household with ‘an iron fist’.

From these 2 points: I accepted the roles  ‘she is the shy one’  and ‘I try hard but I am a loser’ I judged myself because I believed I failed and so I completely gave up on myself as I did not want to experience failure again, because I created a fear towards it and so to protect myself from the fear of failure – I created the ‘I’m not good enough’ character, to not stand up and try again. Over time this manifested more and more as laziness/apathy-no physical movement , especially in the mornings, finding it hard to get up and as life went on it became an addiction to the energy of feeling tired and wanting to nap-but not just a rest half way through the day for the body but to sleep in the morning or mid day. I also see how I have split myself into reacting with positive-bursts of energy movement/getting things done and negative energy-depressed/apathy napping putting things off-SO THAT I LIVE THE ‘I TRY HARD BUT i AM A LOSER’ CHARACTER

I also see some of this pattern is from years of drinking alcoholically and being hung over and so after getting the kids to school-or just being up for an hour or so -I would feel soooo sick I would need to go back to bed and sleep!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage my imagination in/as this tired personality, seeing pictures in my mind of my bed and me all warm/cozy , escaping reality of the day as in tasks/responsibilities as an excuse to not move in the physical-because I fear it is ‘too difficult’/I will fail- or as a reward mid day after completing a task (again to sleep for at least an hour-nothing wrong with resting the body for 30 minutes and focusing on breath in the afternoon to rest the physical) .

When and as I see myself falling into my mind of imagination with moving pictures of escaping into my bed and falling asleep I make the statement ‘NO’ and I stop myself from engaging further in my mind with such pictures and I focus on breath and move in the physical and DO NOT LOOK BACK as I now see/understand to pause/hesitate/stay with this imagination will lead further into my pattern into more thought emotions and physical body changes and I may play out this character and go to bed and waste my day-because of being an energy slave/robot of the mind!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following backchat around this character-and thought pattern:  nap, rest, sleep, pictures of my bed and/or me in bed warm and cozy, I’m so tired, I feel really tired, maybe I could rest now, I don’t have much to do today, I can do this task later, it’s early so there is time for a sleep, I did alot yesterday I deserve to rest, I don’t feel so good so I should rest, my husband works tonight so I have time later/after dinner/when the kids leave (I look after children in the morning and late afternoon), I have so much to do, it makes me tired just thinking about it, I shouldn’t just do this because I’m asked to in my course, I can’t really change that fast, I’ll change tomorrow, my son/husband won’t be home later so I’ll have the house to myself/quiet and be able to focus better so I should rest now, I can’t face this now, I’m overwhelmed and confused by too much information so I can’t face it/straighten it out in my mind to write, just because others can write daily doesn’t mean I can or that I am ready, I’ll do it every other day, that is better for me, I’m not used to this, if I nap now I’ll have more energy to face the day, I’ve changed alot already so I can slow down, I’ll just do some small things now and write later, there is just too much to do, I can put it out of my mind by sleeping, it will feel so good to sleep, yes I’ll just lay down for awhile, it’s ok to lay down, I’m not really postponing cause I know I’m committed,  I didn’t expect to have to do X yesterday/today so that is why I can’t write now…etc.

Also: becoming very whiny in my backchat, kind of weak pathetic as in MANIPULATING MYSELF:  I’m never going to change, I don’t want to, this is too hard, just do it so it doesn’t torture you, I wish I had never started this journey, all I want is to be left alone, I just want to do my course and that’s it, do it-you’ll feel better.

When and as I see myself start to fall into thought patterns/backchat/internal conversation of using sleep/napping in the morning as an excuse to not face myself-write my JTL blog (Journey to Life ) I stop and breathe and get back to my physical awareness here, as life , as I now see/understand participating just feeds the energies and creates more backchat and it is useless and does not change the situation as I will just have to face it later, I will have to drag around more inner chatter and the ‘low’ negative energy of lethargy and guilt that goes with it and it is unpleasant and not what I choose/ how I want to exist anymore, the chatter is all lies as , in common sense, I can do it /write daily each morning (there is almost nothing-no excuse-that could take me away from morning writing as I can be flexible if something comes up of emergency/doctor’s appt. etc. and write less or do it later-now and then).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following emotions around this issue of postponing writing: fear, worry, anxiety, self-pity, self-victimization, hopelessness, helplessness, blame, confusion, overwhelmingness, apathy, lethargy, laziness, guilt, anger, inferiority AND regret, remorse, frustration, self-blame, blame-as the negative energy experience of the thought ‘I’m tired’ and then go into the ‘positive’ energy experience- after I make the decision to not face myself in writing- and have a sleep/nap instead of: relief, happiness, relaxation as I release anxiety, righteousness and excitement.   OR using completion of writing as an excuse for /justification for wanting the reward of a nap (again as in escape/sleep for an hour or more and not just resting the physical body for 30 minutes-which is ok) and then not completing my other responsibilities within the day.

When and as I see myself participating/engaging within/as these positive and negative polarized emotions/feelings concerning this thought of napping, I immediately stop myself and use my breath to bring my awareness back to my physical body and surrounding as I now see/realize/understand:

I no longer want to exist as an organic robot who is simply responding to/reacting to energy in a pre-programmed (dna) design, moving myself in the design of self-interest.  I am sick of it, allowing  a little picture-from the past- and feeling controlling me, I use this postponement as an excuse to not get to other tasks/activities of self-expression such as writing music/playing/singing which I enjoy OR not attending AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings in the evening which I enjoy as many friends are there and I may have an opportunity assist another suffering alcoholic OR rollerblading in the evenings or going for long walks which I enjoy, how can I be a living example of change/birthing myself as life in the physical through the JTL process and the Desteni I Process to my children/others/ MYSELF if I am not actually willing to do it/live it one breath at a time , FINALLY  it actually doesn’t take much time or effort to change myself compared to all the thinking/carrying around ‘heavy’ energy to just MOVE AND DO IT.

I CAN ALSO SEE HOW USING BREATH-HERE-THIS FEELING TIRED MELTS AWAY AND I AM JUST HERE-not using energy at all not tired/not all pumped up/excited but stable and the fear is gone and can move easily to get the task done!

I also realize this ‘I’m not good enough’ character spills over into other areas of my life (marriage/music/career), keeping me stuck using alcohol and/or  sleeping methods to play out this point, allowing me to avoid trying/following through with any degree of completion/sustainability and thus no success. I remain a helpless victim especially in the point of financial dependence within a marriage and thus am often fearful and then angry within my marriage.

I also realize I am not trusting my process of stopping thoughts, as in I’m afraid I will miss something/forget something but as/when I remain her with breath I am actually more clear and effective with my daily tasks/responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following behavioral changes-changes in my human physical body when I participate in/as this thought, ‘I’m Tired, I’ll do it Later’ :  a heaviness within/as me,  my eye lids feel heavy and droopy, my shoulders slump, a heaviness all around me like a black cloud looms overhead. then as I start taking in my head-backchat-about napping/postponing: anxiety as in tightening of my shoulders and in my solar plexes, my jaw stiffens, my breathing becomes shallow. Then after I have made the decision to nap:  my shoulders relax, my breathing becomes deeper/slower, my solar plexes relax. What a con job, what I put my body though, all that energy reaction for nothing but closing my eyes on myself/my life and others, as in what is best for all!

When and as I see I have gone so far with this thought that it is causing changes within my human physical body, I stop all such participation of thought/emotion-energy reaction, use breath to stabilize myself here, out of my mind as I now understand to continue only depletes me /snuffs out all life as I manifest my desire for escape and fall into bed and I do not accomplish these few simple tasks within my day and so do not change as I have committed to do for life, for what is best for all, ending the con of consciouness once and for all and behaving responsibly as life, and giving as I would like to receive and doing unto my neighbour as I would have them do unto me, one family-the earthlings!

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Day 44: Commitment Statements : No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction Character part 4

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as the self-directive force of me, here, in each moment of breath. Breaking the chains!

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application, from existing as the past/from the starting point of the past in thinking about how I hurt my children through my drinking-questioning it-mulling it over and over in my mind letting it possess/control my day and each moment, as I now see/realize/understand this does not change the past, what is done is done, and I can now only direct myself here in responsibility to my children, myself and all of humanity, the animal kingdom and nature by standing back up each time I fall, facing myself as fear, the fear I have carried with me as memories of the character of ‘the alcoholic Mom’, fear of the consequences, each time I face this character and refuse to participate in the subsequent thoughts/emotions/feelings, I remove a layer of the memories I have built up over many years, until she will exist no longer.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a memory come up of apologizing to my children for being drunk and the deep regret it brought with it, as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible parent but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application be aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret of the past and believing the past has a hold of myself and/or my son because of my drinking, as I now see/realize/understand we are both here and not the prisoners of the past, as he is doing well in University and holds a job, I am here for him and he knows this, as well, I realize it is a waste of time to hold these memories within and as me, as I can support and assist him and myself more effectively by being here and not lost in my mind of regret.

I commit myself to moment to moment self-awareness so that when memories arise within my consciousness, to take me away from my current reality here,  of drinking and driving and of  P.’s birthday party in the ravine, I stop, I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.

Day 43: No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction character part 3

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as self-directive force here, in each moment of breath. Break the chains!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will L  and P. do without me?…  Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll quit tomorrow.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotion of guilt and self-pity and self-hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done?  How have I harmed my children?’, when it is a waste of time and knowing my children now see me sober, within first AA (alcoholics anonymous) and now within Desteni, a living, breathing, daily, amends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her -once again- how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’ and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this, the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt L. and I was supposed to be her protector.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of P. sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor P. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is slow (within the world systems of school/work) now. He sits in front of his computer for hours at a time. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  having a picture in my mind of P’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back, because I had blacked out, and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bringing up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love P.. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and L. taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. She asked what it was and I said something like ‘It is a special drink for adults. Don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt, shame, regret bringing up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’ Subsequently, I forgive myself for the following behavioral changes in my physical body as I type this:  the muscles in my mid back and chest tightened , my jaw tight and clenched and my breath becoming short and erratic.

Commitment statements to follow.

Day 39: Can You Overcome The Fear of DEATH ?

In this blog I will face my fear of death, write it out, the essential first step in overcoming ones fear!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the manifestation of fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto childhood memories as  and within me of one, seeing a dead bird and subsequently finding out that I can and will die and then lying in my bed thinking/contemplating this and being very sad/disappointed/angry/frightened/confused by this new concept that one day I will end and I have no control over this and two, not wanting to look at my grandfather in a casket and being frightened by this and my mother  telling me it was ok and taking me by the hand to look at him and thinking it was not ok , it was awful. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect pictures of the bird and my grandfather to death and the words:  bad, wrong, scarey, over, casket, end, heaven, hell, horrible, awful, stiff, dirty, squashed, fake, unnatural to fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘Oh god, I hope I don’t get cancer.’ In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to participate in the first thought as a picture of me lying a hospital bed, just skin and bones left of me near death, or in a doctors office sitting opposite the doctor who is telling me I am terminally ill with cancer. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship to death-AS FEAR- by simply adopting what I heard from others/saw in movies/read in books or magazines instead of  standing with self/living as me here, in oneness and equality as the breath of life, moment by moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lost in my own mind of moving pictures/imaginations of going for cancer treatment, being in a doctors office, lying on my death bed, telling my children I’m going to die, my funeral with a vase (my ashes)  and people there and sometimes me there as some ghost at the side seeing what is going on lol, being in a car crash, burning in a fire, drowning, being shot my terrorists or a gang INSTEAD of allowing myself to be here, with what is real in this moment, as an expression of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in the following backchat/inner chatter which is all controlled by/initiated by the fear existent within/as me: ‘No please god, I can’t die yet, there’s still so much to do in this life, I’m useful, don’t kill ME…I wonder how many people/who with be at my funeral?…  I’ve lost too many friends my funeral will be embarrassing… I can’t die, I never saw my beautiful earth, I can’t die before equal money is here…I’ll do anything to not die please god, I’m not ready, not yet…my kids have to do process! I can’t die! I have so much left undone…NO I won’t die, there is a way to stop/change this…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of extreme fear, specifically the emotions of: panic, sadness, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, disappointment-as in ‘my death is inevitable’ so powerlessness and then ANGER all stemming from thoughts of death, which is ridiculous as I am just here as life, breathing!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then have the following behavioral changes in my physical body brought on from engaging in the above emotions of fear of death: shoulders slouched forward, jaw tight and clenched, lower back pain – like in fear of death one’s ‘courage’ is ‘threatened’ hence the jaw clenching, shoulders indicating trying to protect self and lower back – fear energy taking one’s power away, pain in spine – spine the filing of one’s life – like, facing that moment of death is facing your entire life/self.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my very life, like I will no longer exist and being directed by fear and ego in thinking how terrible that is,  like that should not be allow for God’s sake! In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘I will lose my relationship with my children, how will they get along without me, I will being with them, laughing with them, hugging them , loving them…they need me damn it, that can’t happen! And I will miss my husband and physical intimacy. Shit, I totally fucked up this life, owe family members (and some ex-family members)  money, I never got to see so many places, do so many things, enjoy nature more, I don’t want to die, what will I face, nothing, what the hell is nothing anyway? Where will I be , where will I go, what will it be like? What is the point of life if you just end? I wish I could apologize to so many people I was rude to /inappropriate with/ignored/bullied/cut off communication with/ brushed aside/did not help when I could have/said the wrong thing/did the wrong thing. Fuck, I can’t go back, it’s too late when you die. It’s over. I was a screw up. What a dumb life.’

Commitment Statements To Follow.

Day 38: I Work Hard for My Money SO YOU CANT TAKE IT Commitment Statements

ARTWORK by Leon Perry

Please read Day 37 of this blog for context.

There is much fear around the idea, even mention of, an equal money system in this world, for myself and others. Today I will commit to stopping the fears of the mind, around living in an equal money world.

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever the thought arises that I do not want to give up all my possessions/money and walk with the rest of humanity in equality, as I now see/realize/understand I have been existing in/as fear, in separation from myself and everyone else, and I am in fact not separate from the rest of humanity,but one and equal as substance/the earth/the physical, as the air we all breathe in and out in each moment here.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, stop myself from being directed by/influenced by fear of loss around living within an equal money system, by being aware of the  first thought as in ; poverty, alone, picture of someone living on the street, as I now see realize understand I cannot effectively direct myself when I am lost in my mind of fear as energy.

I commit myself to stopping all such inner chatter/inner conversation in my mind-participating/following it /becoming possessed by it-around living within an equal money system, as I now see/realize/understand if I allow this, I am allowing the mind as thoughts to boss me around /control me and not me living as the directive principal/force in my life, and I am reduced to but an organic robot of little use to myself or anyone else in my world and cannot contribute in a meaningful/lasting/practical way  –doing things/fixing things/cleaning things/bettering things to build a world that is best for all. Lets get going, lets clean up earth!

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, be aware of and stop all such imaginings/images within my mind of homelessness and poverty and to connect this to the implementation of an equal money system as I now see/realize/understand equal money is the opposite of this, as it will relieve all of the  horrible existence  of poverty and I am separating myself form all of humanity/nature/animal kingdom when I am using my mind in self-interest and really saying/proclaiming, ‘Well, I have all I need, I absolutely do not want to suffer but it is ok if others do.’  This is no longer acceptable to me.

I commit myself to stop myself being directed by fear, which results in the energy experiences of anxiety/anger/self-pity and harms my human physical body as I now see/realize/understand to do so is useless, a waste of time, delusional and stems from a starting point of greed as I am just here, with breath, with all I need as life and I commit to bring myself out of my mind and back down to earth, to reality and focus on the task at hand, as whatever is before me in the physical.

I commit myself to stopping all thoughts that it will be too late for me, as I am too old and it will take too long to arrive, for me to enjoy an equal money world, as I now see/realize/understand these thoughts are in self-interest and whether that is true or not does not change the fact that equal money is the solution, for the start, of creating heaven on earth for all and there is nothing else I see as worthwhile to contribute to while I am alive on this planet.

I commit myself to, through breath awareness, stopping all behavioral changes in my physical body, brought about through my own created fear, of tightening of my jaw, shallow breathing, tightening of my chest muscles into my back, and neck, pressure in my head and stiffness/immobility/statue-like behavior when thinking about equal money, as I now see/realize/understand to refuse to participate  strengthens my stand in the decision of who I am and what I do by NOT allowing the mind to manipulate me with energy. In that, I commit to face the FEAR of giving up my secret want/need/desires of self-interest and to stand up/take responsibility to act as the directive force of me/my life and thus as/for what it best for all life.

I commit myself, as another, to stop ignoring the suffering of others through endless justifications of; I worked hard for my money,  as this is ridiculous as many poor people work their asses off each day, for many more than 8 hours, for pennies, or justifications of education, accusing others of laziness, blaming another for their decisions as if they had the same opportunities/starting point in life, blaming another for their decisions that led to addiction, prostitution, a life of crime, begging on the street, AND/OR suggesting one just needs to look after their own family only, excuses of equal money being communism, you can’t change human nature, needing luxuries because I worked hard for them/need them to define-express myself/I deserve them, poverty is just a fact of life that cannot be changed, its my business and I’m not harming anyone and many more, as I now see/realize/understand we are in fact one family here, one organism that is required to co-operate/co-exist if we are to survive as a species and it is all of humanities responsibility to care equally for all life on earth and not just some in specialness/selectively but in absoluteness as life together and no longer in/as separation through engaging in the mind.

In that , I commit myself to continue my DIP (Desteni I Process Course) so I may be in a position to support and assist others, to free themselves from the mind of self-interest and work toward establishing heaven on earth through, firstly establishing an equal platform and dignified life for all, though EQUAL MONEY.

Day 37: I work hard for my money SO YOU CAN’T TAKE IT

There is much fear around the idea, even mention of, an equal money system in this world, for myself and others. Today I will look at these fears and face them to break it down to the reality of what I am in and out and not just illusion/delusion of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I don’t want to give up all my money, my possessions for the implementation of an equal money system.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and thus engage in inner chatter/internal conversation thinking the following thought pattern, ‘I’ll be poor, helpless, screw that, I”m going to protect myself, I’m not going hungry, cold, without a home. I want to help others but I learned that lesson already, being ‘nice’ and then taken advantage of and I’m afraid this equal money idea won’t work and I’ll be left alone and once again stupid in trusting others and not myself.’

Furthermore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat/internal conversation that is suspicious and vicious in nature, ‘They will lie to me, they don’t care about me, others won’t give up there money and especially the ones who have a lot so why should I? Everything will break down so there will be no internet/communication  and I’ll be isolated and helpless and no on will  take care of me so I better protect myself,  I’ve suffered enough, I’ve tried to be a good person, let the others give their money, I don’t have enough.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have images and imaginations in my mind of me being homeless, on the street at night, cold, desolate, unsafe, vulnerable if I agree to an equal money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to going into an energetic reaction self-pity, anger, anxiety, all building into fear, fear of loss of my money and possessions and of the hope that one day I’ll ‘make it’ suddenly become rich, filthy rich, through a lottery win/marriage/inheritance, so fear of losing that chance no matter how slim it is , if I agree to give up my money for the good of all in equality. In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate/connect this to memories of past financial loss and to memories of a time in my life wrought with jealously/wanting/desiring more of the goodies/spoils I feel I have ‘missed out on’ in this life; the freedom financial wealth brings to ones life to purchase luxury items such as; clothes, jewelery, decorate your home, own a cottage on a lake, take vacations abroad, buy a $400 purse, those cool new shoes all the other girls are wearing, gifts for my children, eat out and spend what I fancy, the luxury of not having to check what the price tag says, indulge in expensive hobbies like songwriting and recording, owing a boat/sea-doo, bike trips to Europe, buy the latest fashions each season, drive a sports car. All this in absolute self-interest, not caring a whit about my responsibility to/as the rest of humanity/nature/the animal kingdom but lost in a bubble of self-delusion and greed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘By the time equal money is stabilized I’ll be old and die and won’t get to enjoy it anyway, it’ll be too late for me and once again I am left out of the fun’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the following behavioral changes in my physical body of:  tightening of my jaw, shallow breathing, tightening of my chest muscles into my back, and neck, pressure in my head when I think about giving up my money for the good of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subject myself to the consequences of becoming so stiff with fear that I am like a statute;  unmoving, petrified and I do nothing, can do nothing because I have entered a timeloop of ‘being stuck’ so cannot flow/move/and thus be part of a change/growth as one and equal with all of humanity/the animal kingdom/nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself , as another, to think, ‘I deserve everything I have, I worked hard, went to school, others have not, that is their own fault and their responsibility , not mine, I take care of myself and my family, it’s impossible to change human nature, equal money is communism and history has proven it does not work.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as another, think, ‘ No one is going to tell me I can’t have my boat and trips to the coast each year and give my children the best I can, I grew up poor and worked my ass off to be able to afford these luxuries.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as another think, ‘I’m not giving up my individuality. My style as in clothing/fashion, hair, make-up, interior decorating, the shops I like, the restaurant I like MY LIFESTYLE defines who I am and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise. It is no ones business how I live/what I do. I’m not harming anyone so leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone. Poverty has always been part of human existence and nothing can change that.’

Commitment Statements to Follow

Day 35: Some Realizations:Comittment Statements

I commit myself to, through writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to stop myself when I see I am becoming the manifestation of WORRY as I now see/realize/understand I must remain here, in physical reality, in order to become an effective participant in this world and not lost in the illusion of thought, in order to MOVE to create -for real- what it is I am wasting time worrying about.

I commit myself to be aware of this anxiety ridden/worry character, and to eradicate it from existence, as it pops up in my mind, as the first word/picture. In that,  I commit myself to be aware of and stop all inner chatter (talking inside ones head) this character brings up as I now see/realize/understand I must  walk through the fear of actual work to be faced/steps to be walked in physical real time, which is breath by breath and worrying does nothing but make me postpone and feel physically drained/tired and achy.

In that, I commit myself to stay fully aware of each moment with/as the breath of life and so to STOP myself,  saying stop out loud (or if I am in a public place I whisper quietly)  when/as thoughts of worry/stress/anxiety arise, as I now see realize/understand I am physical and I am living in a physical reality, earth, and I am unable to effectively direct myself when I am pre-occupied in my mind with thoughts/pictures/memories/reactions/emotions/opinions. I realize I am also unable to truly hear/be there for the person I am engaging with, if I am in my own mind of illusion and not here with them. And so I commit to using breath, as in breathe through the thoughts/backchat, and not allowing myself to become possessed by them and take me away from my point that I am currently facing in my day, that is before me in the physical.

I commit myself to trusting breath, moment to moment and no longer trusting my thoughts, as if they are me here and so directing me in full awareness, as I now see /realize/understand it has never been me directing myself but various personalities-robotic responses all based on the past as experiences- I have made up/chained myself into being from one moment to the next- one thought as another link added on- at a time, throughout my life. Living from the starting point of /as fear, fear of loss, a life based on survival of the fittest, competition, greed and jealousy, wanting to be effective and making a difference in the world but chained, by my agreed participation in/with the mind, to the past, as me.

In that , I commit myself to be aware of and stop all thoughts of fear as they arise, and to say NO , NOT PARTICIPATING, when fear then insists I join in/follow along with the massive spewing of memories/emotions/pictures/imaginations-changing the endings of memories-revenge/painful physical reactions as my muscles tighten as I now see/realize/understand to refuse to participate in these emotions & physical reactions strengthens my stand in the decision of who I am and what I do by NOT allowing the mind to manipulate me with energy, and thus using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness I assist and support myself with energy layer releases each time I remain here and say no to the mind.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of principled living, to stop myself whenever I become aware of  the negative inner conversation/backchat I participate in, telling me I am less competent than others/cannot contribute to another beings process as well as others/I should run away/give up/back off/stay in the sidelines/shadows because to try will result in rejection and failure as I now see/realize/understand it is perfectly acceptable to participate and to fall and get back up over and over as I learn/grow/expand..get to know who I am as life-as I am in the process of birthing myself as life in the physical and it is indeed a process-and the only failure would be to NOT participate/contribute to my own growth and any other beings I am able to assist/support.