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Day 46: How Do I Face What I Have Done? Solution: Commitment Statements part 6

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Now that one has got a new starting point/foundation as one has applied self-forgiveness, how do you practically walk/apply this, day to day?  Through the writing and living of commitment statements:

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I have a memory arise within me of when L. would ask what I was drinking, or why I smelt funny, and breathe and not follow these memories further but to stand and gain self-awareness back here in the physical -to what is real and current before me- as I now see /realize/understand it is not by engaging in memories and then emotions and behaviors that things are righted, as I only go into an energetic reaction of guilt that harms me, but it is by directing myself here, and speaking self-honestly in the moment to my daughter that is effective. I realize I have spoken to her several times during my sobriety and made amends and more importantly,  make a daily living amends by being sober and available anytime to/for her.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I allow myself to get to the point of playing out a scene/memory of when I used to hang out at bars and have superficial encounters with men, be elated while getting ready to go out, treat the men I met in bars as ‘insignificant’ without the starting point of one and equal,  as I now see/realize/understand to continue/follow these memories further will only lead me into the emotions of guilt/blame/regret which is a waste of time/does not change the past is a total replay of a replay of a replay …… as such is useless, as this only uses energy from the emotions to transform substance/physicality into further mind energy which only serves to harm the physical body as it gets slowly eaten away. I realize I was not capable at the time to treat these men with the respect they deserve as life, one and equal to me, and I do not allow myself to participate in such behavior now.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and focus back on physical reality each time I have a memory arise about when I used to drink and then call my parents or others. I commit myself to not engage participate in the emotions that subsequently arise of guilt and shame as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible human being/daughter but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application, to stop myself by being aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret/humiliation of the past when a memory/thought /picture arises,  in my mind, of the time when a relative bought gifts for my children at christmas and I had none for her children.  I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.  Furthermore, I see/realize/understand christmas is bullshit/meaningless and, until we create a world that is best for all in equality, I do not participate in christmas (I will in small way so as to not upset/be a rebel in my family, whom I respect) and I know this person and I are one and equal, in fact, and money does not define us, as money will one day disappear and there will be nothing left but the being to face herself (both me and her-not suggesting I have not been guilty of consumerism, I have).

Day 45: Alcoholism: How Do I Face What I Have Done? part 5

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of L. saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I stank of booze through my pores and was sweaty and shaky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, sitting at the bar smoking thinking about the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, I just used them to feed my ego, I used them physically and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I never remembered them and I would brush them off  because I was hung over and feeling like crap, me me me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to those men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me, on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across as a super friendly/flirty/strong/confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, how pathetic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being self-honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better/superior or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex- husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a relative, one Christmas, at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage, a husband who is a ‘good’ guy, and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idiot, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face.  She has positioned herself in the world systems so she ‘has it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck, I am a complete loser and she is so together, why did she have to do that and throw it in my face? She is so insensitive.”

Solution: Facing these consequences as memories With Commitment Statements to follow

Day 44: Commitment Statements : No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction Character part 4

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Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as the self-directive force of me, here, in each moment of breath. Breaking the chains!

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application, from existing as the past/from the starting point of the past in thinking about how I hurt my children through my drinking-questioning it-mulling it over and over in my mind letting it possess/control my day and each moment, as I now see/realize/understand this does not change the past, what is done is done, and I can now only direct myself here in responsibility to my children, myself and all of humanity, the animal kingdom and nature by standing back up each time I fall, facing myself as fear, the fear I have carried with me as memories of the character of ‘the alcoholic Mom’, fear of the consequences, each time I face this character and refuse to participate in the subsequent thoughts/emotions/feelings, I remove a layer of the memories I have built up over many years, until she will exist no longer.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a memory come up of apologizing to my children for being drunk and the deep regret it brought with it, as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible parent but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application be aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret of the past and believing the past has a hold of myself and/or my son because of my drinking, as I now see/realize/understand we are both here and not the prisoners of the past, as he is doing well in University and holds a job, I am here for him and he knows this, as well, I realize it is a waste of time to hold these memories within and as me, as I can support and assist him and myself more effectively by being here and not lost in my mind of regret.

I commit myself to moment to moment self-awareness so that when memories arise within my consciousness, to take me away from my current reality here,  of drinking and driving and of  P.’s birthday party in the ravine, I stop, I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.

Day 43: No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction character part 3

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Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as self-directive force here, in each moment of breath. Break the chains!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will L  and P. do without me?…  Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll quit tomorrow.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotion of guilt and self-pity and self-hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done?  How have I harmed my children?’, when it is a waste of time and knowing my children now see me sober, within first AA (alcoholics anonymous) and now within Desteni, a living, breathing, daily, amends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her -once again- how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’ and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this, the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt L. and I was supposed to be her protector.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of P. sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor P. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is slow (within the world systems of school/work) now. He sits in front of his computer for hours at a time. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  having a picture in my mind of P’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back, because I had blacked out, and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bringing up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love P.. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and L. taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. She asked what it was and I said something like ‘It is a special drink for adults. Don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt, shame, regret bringing up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’ Subsequently, I forgive myself for the following behavioral changes in my physical body as I type this:  the muscles in my mid back and chest tightened , my jaw tight and clenched and my breath becoming short and erratic.

Commitment statements to follow.

Day 42: I Can’t Stop Drinking : comittment statements part 2 of Addiction Character

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The first thought is like the first drink!  It’s the one that gets you in ‘trouble’ and leads you down the rabbit hole, therefore it is important to be AWARE.  It’s the first drink that gets you drunk-as you have started the chain of events and the train of thoughts/thought patterns that inevitably lead you to certain reactions (emotions and feelings) and then physical body changes  (ie. tension of muscles) as you become more and more  lost in your mind/possessed by your thoughts.

I commit myself to remain here, in awareness with breath, whenever I think I drank alcoholically for 10 years and this topic is too much/big to possibly ‘get through’ and I now see/realize/understand what is done is done, it is no longer reality and a waste of time to ‘go back’ in time in my mind of thoughts, also I will get through this topic the same way I created my alcohol problem, one breath at a time, therefore I commit to slowing down and take it one word at a time and it will get done, as I remain patient with myself.

I commit myself to, through a daily process of writing/self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop myself whenever I think about how I used alcohol to medicate myself, as I now see/realize/understand it was what I was capable of doing to support myself, at the time, and I did not understand what was happening to me (‘hearing voices’) and I now understand, through DIP (Desteni I Process Course) that it was my own mind speaking to me ( I had accessed my own backchat/inner chatter) but it SEEMED LIKE something/someone else was ‘talking back to me’ in my mind. I know this to be true as I was able to stop the thoughts/control it 100% over time.

*Note: you can read my whole story and watch on youtube , links will be added as the days continue.

I commit myself to support and assist others to understand what I have learned, through participating with Desteni, that there is a ‘cure’ for ‘mental illness‘ and that cure is stopping participation in the mind! If you are currently having trouble with your mind and are on medication -do not stop your medication-enough to know you will be able to in time.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating/engaging in emotions of sadness, regret, anger, fear, jealousy and guilt when remembering/going through all the layers of memory, that I currently exist as- which is embedded into my very physical body from the years I have existed as a mind = participating in thoughts- as I now see/realize/understand this is necessary to release-RE-PROGRAM myself/physical body so I am able to participate in life fully/effectively, as the directive principal of me here and not just an organic robot with thoughts/reactions/pictures in my mind coming up automatically, one leading to another, which makes me exist just as the past-from the starting point of the past-and not here in awareness as life.

I commit myself to stop myself and SLOOOOOOW DOWN, whenever I think alcohol will help me relax, ‘get through’ a social event, help me ‘have more fun’ as I now see/realize/understand I do not require to do/be anything for myself or others, other than just be here-aware and then I am able to really hear them/share with them, instead of being only partially aware of what they are saying because of being half in my secret mind of self-interest-thinking-not listening, ‘what do they think of me/how do I look/will they like me? I don’t like their new hair cut/I wonder how much money they made this year?…’

I commit myself to, through a daily process of writing/self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop all participation in, reactions of emotions of guilt/regret/sadness/fear with regard to engaging in my mind of memories (thought patterns, pictures in the mind, imaginations ie. changing a memory to an ending I prefer, talking in my head-sentences replaying a memory scene) of drinking and driving/selfish drunken behavior during my children’s birthdays/experiences throwing up/chocking/almost drowning/hangovers ie. consequence of the physical abuse to my body as I now See/Realize/Understand if I participate in these memories I am not STANDING IN ABSOLUTE STABILITY HERE, but am lost in the past in my mind! This is no longer acceptable to me and thus I commit to stop, slooooow down, bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical-TO REALITY- to earth and direct myself in awareness using the tools of breath, hearing the sounds that are going on all around me, being aware of my physical body/nature all around me, BEING HERE.

Addiction Blog to Continue.

Day 40: Can You Overcome Your Fear of Death? Commitment Statements

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Again, using these 7 dimensions as a guideline:  Fear, thought, imagination, backchat, reactions, physical and consequence


I commit myself to, whenever I become aware that I am lost in my mind with thoughts of fear of death, stop, breathe, bring myself back to the physical, here, and remind myself when I am busy thinking about death, I am not focused on living/life, which is a total waste of  time, and in this awareness ensure that I do not accept and allow fear of death to influence/control my opportunity that is here in every moment of breath to live/learn how to live.

I commit myself to, when/as a thought manifest in my mind of/as fear of death – as a word: hospital, cancer, process, replacement, bird, grandfather, casket, end, horrible, awful, stiff, dirty, squashed, fake, unnatural OR a single picture/pixel of me in a hospital bed, a dead bird, a car accident, a coffin- to stop and breathe, realising I am Here in this breath in this body that is expressing/moving/functioning, and with me accepting and allowing myself to follow a mere thought, I am missing another breath/moments in which I can practice applying me in stopping participation in the mind and directing myself in the physical, and so apply myself to stop participation in thought, take that breath and remind me that I am already here and utilize that time/breaths effectively for me to stand/learn how to in fact live.

I commit myself to assist and support me, to when/as I find that I am creating a relationship in my mind to imagination-of telling my children I am going to die, being at my own funeral and seeing who is there, going for cancer treatment, ‘failing’ at process (not birthing myself as life in the physcial) , being replaced, a car crashing and me lying dead in the car, being shot, drowning, burning in a fire- instead of being here with and as the physical, to stop and breathe &  to realise that, in and during that process of imagining, all that’s benefitting is the mind/energy, charging up the fear of death character and in that moment direct myself to move into reality, from imagination and continue applying/practicing this as I continue walking my process from the mind to the physical.

I commit myself to, when I find that I’m backchatting about fear of death within my Mind, to see, realise and understand that at this stage/phase of my participation in the Mind I am in the process of validating/defending/justifying a character/personality within me, and so I immediately stop, breathe and have a look at what activated the fear of death, what fear I am in fact facing in that moment, cause what it ‘s showing me is that I immediately went into a ‘fear of death’ reaction, when behind it/within it lies a point that I actually fear losing/giving up cause it will mean change and I don’t want to change, and so I hide behind fear of death instead of being/becoming change and taking responsibility for me. In this I commit myself to face my fear of not seeing/being with my children: to hold them/assist them/enjoy their company, miss seeing the earth in all her beauty of nature, miss the opportunity to support others in process of birthing themselves as life in the physical, give up being noticed ‘liked’ accepted by other destonians and learn to become humble, give up rushing so as to ‘beat’ death, the fear my funeral would not be well attended and that I have not been a ‘good’ person so regret of the past, and to face my feelings of powerlessness/helplessness.

I commit myself to assist and support me to, when/as I go into reactions of emotions and feelings within and as the fear of death character/personality, specifically:  panic, sadness, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, disappointment-as in ‘my death is inevitable’ so powerlessness and then ANGER, rushing to ‘beat’ death and so to take a breath and stop as I see realise and understand that I am in that moment in the movement of the mind as energy MOVING ME instead of me directing myself/my living with and as BREATH, here in and as the reality that is real; and so in this process walk from energy to physicality, walking/practicing this process of being/becoming physical and no more participate in the consequential relationship between the mind of energy to the physical.

I commit myself to assist and support me, when/as I find I’m completely in possession within and as this character, to breathe and to stop, establish/identify the initial starting point of the reaction and walk this character through in finding why/how it is that it took over to such an extent without me being self aware here with the physical, and so in this process practice the walking of me no more accepting/allowing possession to go so far, but become disciplined/directive to stop participation in the mind before the mind takes over to such an extent of taking over the body and so walk my process of as the walking of self forgiveness with the physical, to no more accept/allow the mind to have control, but that I live here and stand here with the physical in walking the process of what it means to in fact live.

I commit myself to assist and support me to stop my fear of death, establish self awareness of me living as I participate in reality, stop the excuse of it being easier to fear death than to learn how to live and face myself, knowing there is no way to hide behind fear of death in my mind to not change/stand up and take responsibility for me,  there is no place to hide from myself, not even in death, and so I will not wait for myself in death to face me or to realise I cannot hide from myself, but commit myself to make the decision to face me here and actually do it.

Day 39: Can You Overcome The Fear of DEATH ?

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In this blog I will face my fear of death, write it out, the essential first step in overcoming ones fear!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the manifestation of fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto childhood memories as  and within me of one, seeing a dead bird and subsequently finding out that I can and will die and then lying in my bed thinking/contemplating this and being very sad/disappointed/angry/frightened/confused by this new concept that one day I will end and I have no control over this and two, not wanting to look at my grandfather in a casket and being frightened by this and my mother  telling me it was ok and taking me by the hand to look at him and thinking it was not ok , it was awful. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect pictures of the bird and my grandfather to death and the words:  bad, wrong, scarey, over, casket, end, heaven, hell, horrible, awful, stiff, dirty, squashed, fake, unnatural to fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘Oh god, I hope I don’t get cancer.’ In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to participate in the first thought as a picture of me lying a hospital bed, just skin and bones left of me near death, or in a doctors office sitting opposite the doctor who is telling me I am terminally ill with cancer. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship to death-AS FEAR- by simply adopting what I heard from others/saw in movies/read in books or magazines instead of  standing with self/living as me here, in oneness and equality as the breath of life, moment by moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lost in my own mind of moving pictures/imaginations of going for cancer treatment, being in a doctors office, lying on my death bed, telling my children I’m going to die, my funeral with a vase (my ashes)  and people there and sometimes me there as some ghost at the side seeing what is going on lol, being in a car crash, burning in a fire, drowning, being shot my terrorists or a gang INSTEAD of allowing myself to be here, with what is real in this moment, as an expression of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in the following backchat/inner chatter which is all controlled by/initiated by the fear existent within/as me: ‘No please god, I can’t die yet, there’s still so much to do in this life, I’m useful, don’t kill ME…I wonder how many people/who with be at my funeral?…  I’ve lost too many friends my funeral will be embarrassing… I can’t die, I never saw my beautiful earth, I can’t die before equal money is here…I’ll do anything to not die please god, I’m not ready, not yet…my kids have to do process! I can’t die! I have so much left undone…NO I won’t die, there is a way to stop/change this…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of extreme fear, specifically the emotions of: panic, sadness, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, disappointment-as in ‘my death is inevitable’ so powerlessness and then ANGER all stemming from thoughts of death, which is ridiculous as I am just here as life, breathing!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then have the following behavioral changes in my physical body brought on from engaging in the above emotions of fear of death: shoulders slouched forward, jaw tight and clenched, lower back pain – like in fear of death one’s ‘courage’ is ‘threatened’ hence the jaw clenching, shoulders indicating trying to protect self and lower back – fear energy taking one’s power away, pain in spine – spine the filing of one’s life – like, facing that moment of death is facing your entire life/self.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my very life, like I will no longer exist and being directed by fear and ego in thinking how terrible that is,  like that should not be allow for God’s sake! In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘I will lose my relationship with my children, how will they get along without me, I will being with them, laughing with them, hugging them , loving them…they need me damn it, that can’t happen! And I will miss my husband and physical intimacy. Shit, I totally fucked up this life, owe family members (and some ex-family members)  money, I never got to see so many places, do so many things, enjoy nature more, I don’t want to die, what will I face, nothing, what the hell is nothing anyway? Where will I be , where will I go, what will it be like? What is the point of life if you just end? I wish I could apologize to so many people I was rude to /inappropriate with/ignored/bullied/cut off communication with/ brushed aside/did not help when I could have/said the wrong thing/did the wrong thing. Fuck, I can’t go back, it’s too late when you die. It’s over. I was a screw up. What a dumb life.’

Commitment Statements To Follow.