Day 163: Good Grief! Releasing the Sad, Dutiful Daughter 2

Please read Day 162 of this blog post for context.

From the previous post:  Sadly, my mom passed away last Saturday.  It has been difficult. I don’t quite know where to start. I did not want to say goodbye to my mom, I did not want to let go…What I learned/realized, from the Atlantean interview on Sadness, was I have built up energies in relation/relationship to my mom throughout my entire life, in the form of thoughts, feelings and emotions, which are stored/layered in the physical body. These energies can be of a positive or negative nature, it does not matter.  What happens is, when someone passes, they all come rushing to the surface, like a flood/an overflowing, often having an overwhelming effect and then- in my case- a tiredness or depressing effect.

Thought:     I have to go see my mom. She needs me!

Thought Pattern:  I gotta call Mom and I’ll pick up some flowers for her this weekend. Oh.. no.. Mom is gone. Maybe she still needs me, or something, in someway and I’m not able to help her. I wish she was still alive so I could go comfort her and do all the things together we used to do. What will I do now on Sundays?  The weekend seems empty. I’m not sure what to do with myself.  It’s so wrong how she withered and died. I just want everything to be as it used to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my mom still needs me. In that,  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be needed, as in I see myself as someone who is considerate and helpful.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a character/personality being’ the dedicated/dutiful daughter’ but that this definition is actually just a relationship I have made to myself, within my own mind, and as such is limiting/self-sabotaging, as now my mom is no longer in the body, I feel like a part of me has died but in reality this is not true.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to let fear-fear of the unknown- be the directive force behind  thoughts like:  what is my mother experiencing now and who will assist her now, where did she go, I feel so helpless, what did she have to endure when she passed away, was she in pain. And within fear of loss of my own identity:  so who am I now, nobody, nobody really needs me or cares too much, mom loved me unconditionally, there is not much in my life, she was a big part of me and my life and now it’s gone, I’m so sad, it’s just so sad. 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my imagination around this thought, of my mother needing my help, like:  her moaning and crying during the night before she died (my sister was there and told me this), her being sad and lonely the weekend before she died (as it was one of the few Sundays I could not make it to her place), a picture of her doctor speaking to my sister and I, imagining her doctor not wanting her to live any longer and pulling all the plugs (*Note: I will be blogging about many of these points in future blog posts as I can feel the sadness, anger and guilt as I write this), a picture of my mom on her couch, looking ever more small/frail each week, waiting for me to visit on Sunday afternoon, reaching out to hug me saying in that familiar voice, ‘Oh, hi dear’.

To Continue

Join us in the Journey to Life!

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

http://forum.desteni.org


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Day 162: Good Grief! Letting Go of the Dedicated Daughter

Sadly, my mom passed away last Saturday.  It has been difficult. I don’t quite know where to start. I did not want to say goodbye to my mom, I did not want to let go. I have not been someone who has expressed their feelings, self-honestly in the moment, throughout my life.  However, through all I have learned within DIP I was able to cry alot during the last  week. I can see now, how assisting this is  in releasing the energies.  I did face some sadness, around the inevitability of losing my mom, a few months back through blogging:

Day 113:  Sad about my Mom                                                           
http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2013/03/27/day-113-sad-about-my-mom/

Day 114:  Sad about my Mom 2                                                      
http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2013/03/28/day-114-sad-about-my-mom-2/

So I won’t look at that point again today but I will instead face the WHY of the sadness. My mom was 86 years old so it was not a big shock/surprise to me when she died.  Strangely, it did not seem to matter. I quite simply felt crushed, like I had been hit by a truck or like there was a heavy black cloud over my head, weighing me down and making me extremely fatigued (once all the busyness of clearing out her home and funeral were over).

I was concerned and confused. Why am I so devastated?  Obviously, grieving is a process and I realize it had only been a week.  Also, obviously, my mom was a very cool human being and I will miss her company very much!  But even understanding these 2 points I was having trouble with the severity of my reaction to her passing.

So yesterday I purchased an Eqafe product, Understanding Sadness:  
https://eqafe.com/p/sadness-understanding-sadness-atlanteans-part-102 

I highly suggest anyone experiencing grief to have a listen, it assisted and supported me greatly to a place of some understanding.  It is the first in a series that will follow.  This blog, ‘good grief’,  will be one of several over the next months, as well.

Ever since my dad crossed over, 7 years ago, I have been a very consistent and attentive to my mom.  Although a bit of a burden at times, 1.5/ 2 hour drive one way, mostly I enjoyed it as she was easy and fun to be around.  So every second Sunday, often with my brother, we would without fail visit  her for the afternoon and evening.  If she was ill or in the hospital, I would see her once or twice a week, indeed during the last 6/7 m would visit weekly at least.  If I was not visiting I was thinking of it, planning the visit-what would we do, phoning her, thinking of phoning her, doing a chore/investigating a drug or nursing home/picking something up at a store/worrying/anticipating/etc. about my mom.   I was a very ‘dedicated, loving daughter’.

It is this personality/character, the dedicated daughter, that I am de-constructing in this blog.

What I learned/realized, from the Atlantean interview on Sadness, was I have built up energies in relation/relationship to my mom throughout my entire life, in the form of thoughts, feelings and emotions, which are stored/layered in the physical body. These energies can be of a positive or negative nature, it does not matter.  What happens is, when someone passes, they all come rushing to the surface, like a flood/an overflowing, often having an overwhelming effect and then- in my case- a tiredness or depressing effect.

So when you have a close (or intimate) relationship with someone in your life, there is always present fear of loss.  This fear begins/is formed simultaneously when the intense bond/love feeling begins-as polarities within the mind, the ever present fear ‘this person makes me feel good, don’t let it be taken away, I cannot live without this person/feeling!’

All of this is in fact unnecessary!  We do not need to carry around these energies of fear of loss/anxiety/excitement/anticipation/anger/love, or whatever they may be.  All we require to do is to enjoy their company when we are with them, participate, assist and support them, respect and love them. In other words, all we require as human beings is to act in the physical, to be that expression of love towards them when we are with them and then, when we are not with them, to again act/plan/do/call/write whatever in the physical and not in the mind of energies. This is a true devotion of love and respect for them and for yourself as you are not participating within the mind-generating energies that build up over time as/within you, that   can harm you. So we do not need imaginings/emotions of worry and fear/opinions/pictures as memories in our mind/fantasies about the future with this person–as none of this mind participation with the loved one actually changes anything in reality! – but just down to earth physical interaction.

I have also built a large part of my identity in relationship to/associated with my mom. So MUCH OF THE GRIEVING PROCESS, IS ME HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS , with thoughts like, ‘I’ll pick that up for mom and give it to her Sunday, oh yeah, no I won’t, mom’s gone, what will I do on Sundays? Who am I now, without her? Who wants to spend time with me? My mom is someone who loved me unconditionally. No one else does.’   Pretty self-centered really, there are many other thoughts, however I am focusing on this to really tackle it.

I am actually grieving/mourning the loss of my mom and that part of me I associated with her, the loss of the dedicated/loving daughter, both!

My mom and I had so much fun over the years, we all got closer after my dad passed on, with my other sibling and children or just the two of us, we would go to many shows, symphonies, out for walks and a bite to eat, watch golf or some sport on tv-lol, do shopping chores together, go to dinner at my sisters, it was often relaxing AND I FELT USEFUL, LIKE I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING AFTER BEING AN ACTIVE ALCOHOLIC FOR SO MANY YEARS PRIOR.

So, I will look at this personality within the thought:     I have to call/go see my mom. She needs me!

To Continue

Join us in the Journey to Life!

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Day 158: Greedy Canadian Banking CEOs Salaries: from 7 to 15 MILLION

‘The National’, a nightly newscast in Canada, reported last evening  a fact that shook me -and I hope others- 30 years ago the Canadian Banks CEO’s earned 20 times the average Canadians annual income,  TODAY the Canadian Bank’s CEO’s earn 200 times the average Canadian’s annual income!  What??  Isn’t anybody outraged.  Actually, the question is why isn’t everyone outraged? Because some are, as the story reported, others say, ‘Well, they earned it’. I disagree.

http://www.cbc.ca/thenational/indepthanalysis/thebottomline/2013/04/canadas_banking_system.html

Canadian bankers were among some of the highest-paid banking executives in North America last year, with three in the Top 10, according to a new list compiled by Bloomberg Markets magazine.  In all, six Canadian bank CEOs were in the Top 20, led by the Royal Bank of Canada’s Gordon Nixon, who came in at No. 4.

Access the specific salaries here:

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/business/canadian-bank-ceos-among-highest-paid-in-north-america-209625141.html

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/business/canadian-bankers-rank-amongst-some-of-the-highest-paid-ceos-in-north-america-209469961.html

I don’t get it, how do we justify this kind of economic divide?!

Well, I heard one justification last night, on the same news cast (the link to the story was not working) in which a financial analyst said Canada did not suffer as much as the U.S. within economic hardship/consequences in the last recession, 2007-2009. Supposedly, this hardship was diverted due to the suave of Canadian banking CEO’s, as in their great powers of foresight and strategy.  The leading cause of that recession was the housing bubble crash (subprime mortgage crisis) and subsequent bailouts of several financial institutions.

Read about this here:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_recessions_in_the_United_States

Ok, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, let’s say it was a bit of business common sense mixed with some luck, nonetheless, it is their JOB!  We all-most able bodied adults-work in some capacity or another in service to make the world/country function within some stability. So, whether it be serving a coffee or passing a bill in the House of Commons, it is each person’s responsibility to complete their job related tasks to the best of their ability, on a daily basis. For that, each (should) receive some financial compensation so they can operate/function within their home and provide for their families.  It is that simple, no more, no less, we as physical beings, move about completing tasks each day, mostly it is a repeating of several small, basic, tasks which, over time creates and maintains various systems so our lives are comfortable. This is the minimum each needs and deserves.  It is only the mind-the human mind- that’s starts complicating it from that point of simplicity, adding:  opinions, emotions (such as greed) ideas (such as ‘better than/superior’) self-interest, family loyalty, order of importance (hierarchy)!  But we can all see, as physical human beings , we are here equally.

Let us not kid ourselves, these bankers as well as receiving a salary of 7-1o-15  million in 2012, had a little money to start with, vast fortunes to be exact, multi-millions of dollars we’re talking, before their outrages 2012 salary.

Are they spending it/spreading it far and wide for the good of all?  No, they are saving it= hoarding it to build equity/power/increase their empires , as they know too well, money is power and control in this world, and this makes them ‘feel safe’ so they are never never part of the 99%, serving that cup of coffee for $10 an hour.

BTW,   if you received a salary of 10 million last year, that works out to $5,000.00  AN HOUR VERSUS $10.00 AN HOUR (MINIMUM WAGE MANY RECEIVE  in Canada).

This exurpt is taken from ‘The Disabled Women’s Network’ :  http://dawn.thot.net/minimum_wage_q_a.html

“2. How many people work at the minimum wage?

…In 2000, approximately 1.2 million workers in Ontario (Canada) were in jobs that paid less than a poverty-level wage. Given the lax enforcement of employment standards laws, there are undoubtedly many workers who are paid less that the minimum wage.

3. Who is most disadvantaged by a low minimum wage?

Women, immigrants and visible minorities are over-represented in Ontario’s low-wage workforce. In 1999, women represented 60% of all workers earning below poverty level wages. 31% of visible minorities and 41% of recent immigrants are forced to work in jobs that pay less than poverty level wages. However, a low minimum wage affects everyone by undercutting wages generally.”

So, how are these HUGE salaries beneficial to the world and human beings at large? They aren’t!  They only serves to increase the divide /equity gap between the rich and poor through the accepted practices of capitalism, causing political unrest -war, causing abuse of the animal kingdom and environment-through consumerism, causing mental illnesses-through financial stresses , causing homelessness-through unemployment and low incomes, crime, great tragedy in the the small and large of the lives of billions of human beings on this planet.  It is sickening.

This quote,  taken from ‘Creations journey to Life’, illustrates what I am talking about,

‘Many has Justified that “It is Okay to be part of the 1% that Controls Everything, because You Would’ve Done it As Well if You Were in Their Position” all Paranoid Justifications …because Wealth Gives you the Power to Have Control Over other Humans and Make Them Your Slave and you have Justified this form of Losing as ‘Acceptable,’ because Apparently you are Earning your Bread by ‘the Sweat of your Brow’ and you Will Justify through Your Losing Thought that you have Done it through Hard Work: No You Haven’t, you have Done it by Manipulating Other Humans into Submission and you were Just a Better Loser as Thinker – and now you have Power because You can Starve Others Through Money ‘If They Don’t Do What You Tell Them to Do’

Read the entire blog here:   http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/day-401-thinking-is-for-losers.html

There is a solution, a new system, with a new starting point as it’s foundation ,  a system based on principals of equality, an Equal Money System.

Equal Life Foundation and the Equal Money System

Please investigate:  Equal Money Wiki here:   
http://equalmoney.org/wiki/Housing

And the Equal Life Foundation : Bill of Rights here:    
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation/posts/137442196442458

Take Responsibility for what is HERE as this world, within AND without:            http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

EQAFE:

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All  – simply sign up and start- 
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
 This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.

FIND OUT WHAT DESTENI STANDS FOR

Day 157: Taking Responsibility for Blame

Please refer to Day 155 & Day 156 for context to this blog.

From the preveious post:   I have been doubting my decision to not socialize with someone in my life. This is a man, my partner’s good friend, who recently spit from his wife. We did many things together over the last 7 years and all enjoyed ourselves extensively. It is unfortunate that their marriage has ended but he has ‘moved on’ and is dating another woman. My partner and I were discussing the possibility of him asking us, sometime in the not too distant future, to meet/spend time with this new/or some other new woman in his life and I shared my concerns with my husband. This caused some stress between my partner and I.  I will examine this situation here in this blog.

Thought:  I don’t want to meet his new girlfriend. I think that he was wrong to leave his wife and I don’t like that he hurt her.

Walking the solution:  Commitment statements and self-corrective application statements

When and as I see myself becoming judgement within the above thought, assuming this man is wrong and I am right to blame him for ending his marriage, I stop and I breathe, bringing my awareness back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand I have no right to judge this man as I do not know all the circumstances/reasons behind his decision, blame only divides and polarizes all involved in this situation, I am actually using blame to validate myself (my anger about my own past) within self-interest so I ‘feel better’ being ‘right’ and making him the ‘bad guy’ who is ‘wrong’, blame does not change the situation but could cause the consequence of harming another.

When and as I see myself being directed by fear within this situation I immediately pull myself back down to earth and stabilize myself with breath. I remind myself I am allowing an energy, that I have given a negative charge to, to tell me how to feel and behave in this moment and it is actually not reality, it is living from the starting point of the past, as I now understand the past experiences I have had do not have to be in control of how I act today, I have common sense and can see my life is stable today, I can speak with the wife (in this situation) and share/support her with what she is going through, I do not have to be in the company of someone I am uncomfortable with and can decline an invitation from this man should it arrive, when I am in this man’s company in a group ( AA or a party situation) I can trust myself to remain ‘here’ with breath and not go into my mind of memories and associations around divorce, everyone is one and equal, man and woman, and I no longer allow myself to discriminate based on the past.

When and as I see myself participating in internal conversation/backchat around this situation, I stop and breathe, and bring myself back to the physical as I now realize I am only talking to my own memories, which is going to then bring up emotions and result in harming my physical body, the memories are not to be trusted-not reality- as I have changed them to suit my need to be ‘right’ & continue playing the character of;  the wronged one/the poor single mother/the victim, I often desire vindication (within these internal conversations) from the past and in this case was using this situation to validate my feeling of hate/mistrust of men in general/husbands and I do not allow this within and as myself any longer, I do not have to play the role of protector of  this woman as she is quite capable of dealing with the circumstances of her life and it is just nasty gossip when the starting point is ‘the man was wrong and the woman was right’, it is not truly supportive for the other person as it is really self-interest in disguise, to make me feel superior/strong when I was feeling inferior/weak so replacing one polarity with another instead of remain here as stability, as I do not require to feel anything at all because it is over/was the past and not reality in this moment.

When and as I see myself participating and engaging with pictures/imaginings in my mind around this issue, I stop and bring my awareness back down to earth, to what is here and real, before me in my day. I remind myself it is not assisting to me or anyone else to deal with a present situation from the starting point of the past, as it clouds what is really before you, finally, I cannot effectively direct myself here when I am lost in my mind of imagination.  So, I  tell myself  ‘NO MORE, I do not accept my awareness, my ‘who I am’ to be defined within such images/energies. I commit me to change!’

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 156: Judging Another’s Decision As Wrong 2

From the Previous Post:  I have been doubting my decision to not socialize with someone in my life. This is a man, my partner’s good friend, who recently spit from his wife. We did many things together over the last 7 years and all enjoyed ourselves extensively. It is unfortunate that their marriage has ended but he has ‘moved on‘ and is dating another woman. My partner and I were discussing the possibility of him asking us, sometime in the not too distant future, to meet/spend time with this new/or some other new woman in his life and I shared my concerns with my husband. This caused some stress between my partner and I.  I will examine this situation here in this blog.

Thought:  I don’t want to meet his new girlfriend. I think that he was wrong to leave his wife and I don’t like that he hurt her.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words ‘new girlfriend’ to:  a negative charge, to my ex-husband, to memories of my previous marriage, to a female who is younger/slimmer/prettier, thus to competition and polarity thinking versus one and equal female relationships, to threat/warning/danger/loss/ownership.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within/be possessed by the emotions/negative energy reactions of:  anger, fear, dislike, blame, worry, judgement, regret, sadness, self-righteousness, helplessness, victimization, superiority, inferiority.

Why am I allowing this energy to direct and control me?  I do not want this man’s wife to suffer as I did in the past and I do not want to go through a separation/divorce again-so I am using my mind of memories and past experience as a starting point in this moment/in this situation, I  ASS-U-Me his wife will take a victim stance as I did in the past and I desire to protect her from emotional pain so she can move forward in her life in a healthy way, I do not want to let go of my past associations/relationship to husband=mean /abusive & wife= innocent/victim because I want revenge for what I blame my father and ex-husband for-verbal and emotional abuse of me and my mother over many years HOWEVER this is based on memories and memories have a way of being changed within our minds to suit our own personal needs to be ‘right’ and validate our characters we have built up over time-in that I/my mom could have spoken up/taken action/made changes but stayed silent (for the most part) and ineffectual within our marriages.

THUS,  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to DESIRE TO PROTECT this woman and myself from the consequences of a ‘bad marriage’ thereby absolving her and I from blame and not taking responsibility for circumstances within our lives  but putting it all on the ‘husbands’ so I can have my positive energy reward/experience which is the ‘good’ feeling of innocence instead of /to replace the ‘bad’/negative feeling of- pain/uncertainty/fear/anger- I am facing at the moment.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to desire revenge on men/husband’s in general by blaming this man for leaving his wife and judging his decision as wrong, thus turning him and his wife into polarized characters of;  the good wife/the bad husband, strong/weak, right/wrong, bully/victim, happy/sad, etc.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to cause the following behavioral changes within my human physical body, due to my reactions around this thought and situation:  a feeling of anxiety/excitement in my solar plexes as much energy is created from all the emotion that arises-like a danger/fight or flight response which is automated, stiffness in shoulders/neck, tightening of jaw, shallow breathing- sometimes holding my breath unaware, increased heart rate.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequences within my life and others within this situation, some of which are:  I give into my desire to be ‘right’ making another ‘wrong’ thus create a positive energy experience where I am validated and I feel good and I am comfortable with this BUT this is done in delusion and not reality as I do not know all the circumstances within this situation or what would in fact be best for all involved, I cause stress within my marriage through conversation that becomes increasingly polarized and negatively charged between my husband and I, my husband feels attacked as a man/husband and thus I create tension/stress in my marriage-the very thing I say I supposedly do not want!

To continue:  with Commitment Statements, as the Solution that is walked breath by breath

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 155: Judging Another’s Decision As Wrong

I have been doubting my decision to not socialize with someone in my life. This is a man, my partner’s good friend, who recently spit from his wife. We did many things together over the last 7 years and all enjoyed ourselves extensively. It is unfortunate that their marriage has ended but he has ‘moved on’ and is dating another woman. My partner and I were discussing the possibility of him asking us, sometime in the not too distant future, to meet/spend time with this new/or some other new woman in his life and I shared my concerns with my husband. This caused some stress between my partner and I.  I will examine this situation here in this blog.

Thought:  I don’t want to meet his new girlfriend. I think that he was wrong to leave his wife and I don’t like that he hurt her.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become judgement and as judgement think, ‘I don’t want to meet his new girlfriend. I think that he was wrong to leave his wife and I don’t like that he hurt her.’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear as the foundation of this thought, as in I am afraid for his wife’s future and mental health/stability,  I am afraid this could happen to me again, I fear I cannot trust what he says in the future, I fear I will be in a situation again in which I am uncomfortable with what he is sharing regarding stories of his past, I am afraid I will be angry at him and this could come out in the form of a reaction or communicated by my body language and then I will upset others and I will have to face the consequences of my communication, I am afraid my husband will be angry at me for not wanting to socialize with his friend and there could be consequences from this.

Why am I possessed by all these fears?  Because of holding onto memories, of past experiences, in which my first husband left me and I went through much emotion/mental turmoil and spiraled into mental illness and then alcoholism. Also, because I hold an opinion that some men are liers and cheaters and this has harmed me and harms others. Because I did not speak up, in self-honesty in the moment, in the past and simply tell this man I would prefer if he not share sexually explicit stories of his past, as I did not want to come across as ‘no fun/too stuffy/uptight’ when his wife and my husband just laughed so I joined in, because I am blaming him and allowing myself to judge him as the villain in this situation and his wife as the ‘wronged one/innocent/victim’, because I still hold onto a belief in ‘ownership’ of another within a union/marriage, and finally, because I do not trust myself in that I could react and ‘act cold’ or blurt out something I regret later, not considering all involved in self-responsibility,if we got together with him and his new girlfriend.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my imagination with:  memories of my first husband leaving our marriage, a specific memory of walking on an icy street-when I realized our marriage was over- feeling ‘devastated’ and full of fear and regret for having chosen him as a partner and guilt about him being the father of our 2 children (lol, very self-righteous) and relating this /assuming this is how the wife in this situation must feel-so projecting my stuff, from my past, onto her. Also, imagining the man ‘happy’ and relieved his marriage has ended and the woman sad and lonely, pictures in my mind-moving images- of my husband deciding he want to leave me.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in internal conversation/backchat within this situation like:  So X is just discarded like garbage and voila here is the replacement, because the replacement is slimmer, not so shy and quiet, blah, blah… , so this is ok? I am suppose to say this is cool with me, to just switch partners? How about supporting your partner when they need it? ‘For better or for worse?’ Did those words mean anything?..I DO NOT TRUST HIS WORDS/WHAT HE SAYS NOW, I only listened to his gross stories so as to not make waves/go along with the evening,  he was always saying how much he loved his wife and  then just dumped her so I wonder if my husband could do the same?’

To continue:  with Self  Forgiveness Statements and Self-Corrective Application Statements as the Solution that is walked daily.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 153: Who Creates The Subservient Woman? continued

Please note:  Blogs: Day 147-152 are relevant to this post.

Thought:  I’m not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the ‘I’m not good enough’ character in reaction to a non-response from another or what I perceive to be a negative response from another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, when someone  does not respond to me/notice me, that I am insignificant because I ASS-u-Me they are ignoring me and think I am insignificant, thereby completely victimizing myself and following another instead of directing myself/standing as myself but waiting for their response to validate me/give me purpose instead of validating myself in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear, anger, blame, judgement, self-judgement and self-punishment when another person does not respond to me and to allow these negative energies to possess me. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the positive energies of relief, validation, ease, feeling  a false sense of stability if they should respond at a later time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in internal conversation/backchat like: he/she thinks it’s ok to ignore me because I’m insignificant/I’m a failure/I’m not as good as the others/I will die /I’m not going to make it/my work is not as good as the others/I don’t do enough/I don’t do things right/I’m not that smart/I’m not thorough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then experience physical body reactions of :  a severe welling up in my solar plexes-reacting like I’ve been attacked-like a ball of  anxiety, tightening of my shoulders and upper back, clenching of my jaw, all this resulting in body aches and extreme uneasiness causing tension and stress throughout my body.

When and as I see myself going into the ‘I’m not good enough’ character because of a non-response or a response I thought was negative from another, I pull myself out of my mind of thought and back down to earth, I use my breath to stabilize myself and remind myself no one can create my reaction BUT ME and that is the part I am responsible for. I also realize I tend to ‘jump to conclusions’ moving too quickly in my mind and need to slow down and consider my every thought/word /deed, as in stabilize myself here and then assess/speak/direct the situation in common sense and self-honestly, considering all involved equally.  In that , I also see I need to stop all judgements and assumptions and look at what is real, my part in it, and go from there.

When and as I see myself going into polarizing energy emotions, depending upon how the situation turns out-gets left or resolved- I stop myself and bring myself back here, to the physical and deal with the situation in reality, as energy is not required and only depletes me. I now see/realize/understand I have been dependent upon the acceptance and approval from others-usually men but sometimes women in authority positions- to tell me how to feel, as depending upon the interaction I am : happy or sad/high or low/good enough or a loser/will live or die.  I commit to no longer give someone, outside of myself, such power/authority.

When and as I see myself participating in nasty backchat/internal conversation around this issue I stop, I breathe and bring my awareness out of my mind and back to here, to the physical world, as I now see/realize/understand I am all alone up there in my mind of chatter and paranoia-it is isolating and dangerous as there is no reference or check with reality, it is based on my past experiences/memories from my past and not based on reality today/here, I have no right to judge another and make assumptions about what they say/think of me, as it is obviously what I think AS IT CAME FROM INSIDE OF ME therefore it exist within me and so is my issue to deal with.  I also understand it is quite useless to worry/obsess about this point and  it is better/common sense to just ask the person and see if they have some support/insight they can offer if they feel I have an area that needs attention/improvement.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

For further reference, read  the Equal Money  Wiki

• Place your questions as the Equal Money Forum
• Visit the Group Capitalism vs. Equal Money group on Facebook.
• Read the Equal Money  Wiki
• Read Economist’s Journey to Life

Day 152: Who CREATES the Subservient Woman?

Please read the previous posts, day 147-151, for context to this blog.  Continuing…

So, how do I practically walk the change/the solution, being a new relationship, one of total responsibility , within the word ‘creator’?

 Self-Corrective Statements and Self-Corrective Application:

When and as I see myself going into blame within the current financial situation of my life-which is a consequence of my past action or inaction- I stop and bring myself back to breath, to here, as I now see/realize/understand I am the creator of my life/existence as I am capable of making changes (and I have done this) to my income, so becoming financially independent, I have for the most part taken care of  the debt I accumulated throughout my life, I have an equal partnership within my marriage today whereby I am responsible for most of the household duties and contribute  some income and my partner makes most of the financial contribution, I have all I need and no longer am plagued by want/desires, I am grateful for all I have and realize billions of people/animals/nature’s many species suffer from lack due to the inequality of the current world systems and I am contributing to bringing about a world which will share the resources in a way that is best for all.

When and as I see myself creating the consequence of self-harm/self-victimization, by reacting to a memory, specifically the memory of my father saying ‘Sandy always tries so hard, even when she knows she won’t win’  ( my dad was referring to a running race when I was in primary school), I stop I breathe and bring my awareness back to the physical, to here, as I now see/realize/understand I do not have to allow this memory to define me, it holds no power over me except what I decide in each moment to give it, my father did not mean I would never win-that was my reaction and I have used it as an excuse to ‘not try’/give up at times in my life- and therefore my responsibility, I actually did think I had the chance to win and do not allow myself any longer to give up before I even try something/start something new because of fear of failure, I cannot be a creator if I allow fear and memories define who I am here.

When and as I see myself reacting with the emotions of fear, anger, resentment, and blame because I have given my authority/power away to another, I stop and remind myself I am the authority in my life/I am the moving force that is breathing/speaking/doing and thus the creator and no one else, I also realize these emotions create the consequence of leading me into non-action and so depression/apathy, thus I cannot grow/expand/learn and apply/give and share with others. I state clearly, No,this is no longer who I am, I commit me to change’ and carry on with the task before me.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE

RE-PARENT YOURSELF: RE-BIRTH YOURSELF TO BECOME THE LIVING WORD!

	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development: Phase I: 0-1 Years Phase II: 1-3 Years Phase III: 3-7 Years
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: The relationship to Sound and Energy of Words.
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when the Baby Resists the Energy of the Words?
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when a Baby Accepts the Energy of the Words?

Day 149: My Relationship with the Word ‘Creator’ 3

Please read the previous two posts, day 147/148, for context to this blog.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not the creator of myself and my world and thus I am not responsible because everything is being done TO me, instead of AS me (so living in re-action versus being the directive force)  as who I am in every  thought, word and deed .

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to give the ultimate authority -the author/the living word- over myself, as my mind/beingness/body  within and my physical circumstances without- to a male figurehead either in the sky as in god/universe or in my life as in husband/boss/father/etc.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to hope he is benevolent as he is the decision maker whether I live or die, how I live and die, how others live and die, so I am helplessly at the whim of this creator and resigned to just go through the motions, ‘make the best of it’ -this life of no control-robotic and depressed.

Thus, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then believe that if this creator, god or male authority figure, rejects me, I am ‘doomed to death’ so I better damn well please him/suck up to him/try to be good enough for him or else! In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot take care of myself on my own-stand on my own financially and emotionally, as well within my agreement with my husband, to think my contribution financially and homemaker duties are not enough when it is clearly working/agreed upon/equal AND within my online course, that my contributions are not enough, when I am facing myself each day, breath by breath, and will do more as I am able, being in a process.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the following emotions and feelings around my relationship and associations to the world ‘creator’ :  fear of death/fear of homelessness/fear of poverty/fear of exposure-cold/fear of loneliness, anger, resentment, blame, self-blame, less than/inferiority, helplessness, hopelessness, greed, self-importance/vanity/narcissism, gratefulness, awe, respect/love.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of failure-not good enough character/fear of death/arrogance/gratitude onto a being-real or imagined-other than myself so I don’t have to face myself in self-responsibility as the creator of my life and my world but am more comfortable externalizing the consequences of my every thought, word, and deed throughout my life, onto another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to create massive consequence around relationship and associations with how I have lived the word ‘creator’ throughout my life, some of which are the following:  I spent much of my adult life concerned with my own self-interest/religion of self thinking, within my story of Sandy, I did not have/needed a cottage, wanting fame and fortune through songwriting (thought this was what my ‘higher power’ wanted for me but it was just my mind/pre-programming), somewhat obsessed with looks/image as a woman, fashion, extravagant home decor because I allowed myself to be directed by greed and superficiality.  Another consequence is that I put myself at a disadvantage financially,emotionally and mentally in life by relying on luck, hope, romantic love-dependency, god’s good grace-prayers answered, chance, dependency upon family assuming I was not the creator of the circumstances/events in my life (I realize within the world systems some of our circumstances beyond our control in physical reality) because I did not trust my own self /common sense in that I would be better off taking control, as much as I was able to, within different events happening throughout my life.

Another consequence, due to my relationship and associations within the word ‘creator’ is that I closed my eyes (to some degree-not completely) to the suffering of others and did not ‘love my neighbor as myself’ and ‘give as I would like to receive’ so fed into the material world by not speaking out about abuse and purchasing products in which animals/people/the plant kingdom/the oceans were being abused and depleted.  Why?  Because I did not experience first hand their suffering, I could ignore it by not reading about it/not watching the news and remain in my bubble/comfort zone pretending everything was fine in the world because everything was mostly fine in my comfortable world.  Another consequence is that I suffered horribly, by living in the past and blaming, with mental illness and alcoholism as I could not, at the time, see any other ‘answer’ to the emotional pain I was facing than attempt to escape what ‘fate had dealt me’ by going inward into fantasy/prayer/spirituality and then music writing and drinking alcohol and isolating.

To continue in the next post

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 148: Taking Responsibility for My Relationship with the word ‘Creator’ 2

‘Forgive them father, for they know not what they do.’   OMG, what have I done? Surely I did not do this, I am a good person, I care…don’t  I? ‘

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to completely separate myself from this word ‘creator’ as if it exists out there somewhere and thus separated/abdicated any and all responsibility toward this word and all the associations I hold within me, toward this word.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the words: power, bible, father, universe, god, higher power, savior, birth, death, pain, disease, suffering, nature, animals, ocean, sun, moon, stars, space, beauty, flower, miracle, impossible, human, body and the hierarchical polarities of greater/lesser, powerful/weak, victim/victor, winner/loser, beginning/end, birth/death, war/peace, boss/dependent-worker   to the word ‘creator‘.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself not consider myself the creator of the extensive amounts of abuse that exist in the world in relation to:  purchasing make up that has been created through cruel experimentation on animals, through passing on ‘the sins of the father’ by not being aware of my every thought/word/deed while I was raising my children and I thus raised them ‘in my image and likeness’, by sleep walking my way through life-unaware of my self-interest- and thus participating as ‘creator’ in massive inequality within income/healthcare/education/housing conditions of the people around me and the world at large.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang onto/desire to keep my relationship to my comfort and thus have not been willing to face the changes required, firstly in my inner world, to change me, because I consider it ‘hard work’/uncomfortable to change, so I resist letting go of my ego, as in my personality of memories, emotions, feelings  and rather stay stagnant because it is the ‘devil I know’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘the creator’ as in it had the power to give me life and then at some later date, take it away and then blame this creator for this cruel and unfair position it put it’s little creation in, being me!

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to associate all men, in any kind of authority position in my life, real or imagined authority,  to the ‘creator’ so that if they rejected me/left me/did not approve of me it feels like a death or like I will die/they are killing me/destroying me and then I blame them, as in they have done me wrong so I right to blame them, I did my best.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then participate in all sorts of nasty backchat/inner conversation in which I first abdicate any responsibility and then go into self-blame/self-loathing/punishment/judgement, so from one polarity to the other, of some of the following: birth and death is a stupid design, whoever designed the mind is stupid and irresponsible as it malfunctions easily and is cruel, god does not love /take care of everyone obviously as millions stave and suffer so is not a benevolent force/being, I don’t trust the creator and I don’t trust this world but I’m helpless against death so I have no choice (powerless) so I’ll try to do the ‘right’ thing… how dare he judge me as unworthy/I don’t count/I can be discarded/I”m forgettable/I’m not special/I’m not worth keeping around, he thinks I’m not good enough, he thinks I’m pretty enough but not very intelligent, he ignores me… maybe he’s right, I’ll be alone if I’m rejected by him, how will I get along/cope in this world without him, I could die/die young/be poor/not enjoy life without him…maybe he is right, what did I do/say wrong, if only I had done x/said x, why am I such a loser/failure, I didn’t do enough for him, I’m not good enough for him.

In that,  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, during my years when beLIEved in a ‘higher power’/love and light, participate in backchat/inner conversation of the nature of some of the following:  it’s ok there is a loving design, its none of your business the business of life (lol, makes no sense to me now), do not question just have faith, god/universe loves us unconditionally, there is a plan, it’s all a loving plan, everyone is here to learn lessons, it’ll make sense when I die AND all of the self-depreciating talk above.  However, (during that period of my life) I was either wrought with insecurities and dependency on my first husband, or drinking alot , or into the AA  (alcoholics anonymous) higher power idea so not self-empowered at all and was always searching for answers, until I found the Desteni Message and DIP Course!  So, this love and light inner talk did not assist and support me to stop the self-blame/judgement/punishment and help me stand on my on two feet and  stop living from the starting point of the past-it actually kept me in an unequal/enslaved/dependent relationship on a creator outside of myself.

To continue in the next post

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.