From the previous post: Sadly, my mom passed away last Saturday. It has been difficult. I don’t quite know where to start. I did not want to say goodbye to my mom, I did not want to let go…What I learned/realized, from the Atlantean interview on Sadness, was I have built up energies in relation/relationship to my mom throughout my entire life, in the form of thoughts, feelings and emotions, which are stored/layered in the physical body. These energies can be of a positive or negative nature, it does not matter. What happens is, when someone passes, they all come rushing to the surface, like a flood/an overflowing, often having an overwhelming effect and then- in my case- a tiredness or depressing effect.
Thought: I have to go see my mom. She needs me!
Thought Pattern: I gotta call Mom and I’ll pick up some flowers for her this weekend. Oh.. no.. Mom is gone. Maybe she still needs me, or something, in someway and I’m not able to help her. I wish she was still alive so I could go comfort her and do all the things together we used to do. What will I do now on Sundays? The weekend seems empty. I’m not sure what to do with myself. It’s so wrong how she withered and died. I just want everything to be as it used to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my mom still needs me. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be needed, as in I see myself as someone who is considerate and helpful.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a character/personality being’ the dedicated/dutiful daughter’ but that this definition is actually just a relationship I have made to myself, within my own mind, and as such is limiting/self-sabotaging, as now my mom is no longer in the body, I feel like a part of me has died but in reality this is not true.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to let fear-fear of the unknown- be the directive force behind thoughts like: what is my mother experiencing now and who will assist her now, where did she go, I feel so helpless, what did she have to endure when she passed away, was she in pain. And within fear of loss of my own identity: so who am I now, nobody, nobody really needs me or cares too much, mom loved me unconditionally, there is not much in my life, she was a big part of me and my life and now it’s gone, I’m so sad, it’s just so sad.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my imagination around this thought, of my mother needing my help, like: her moaning and crying during the night before she died (my sister was there and told me this), her being sad and lonely the weekend before she died (as it was one of the few Sundays I could not make it to her place), a picture of her doctor speaking to my sister and I, imagining her doctor not wanting her to live any longer and pulling all the plugs (*Note: I will be blogging about many of these points in future blog posts as I can feel the sadness, anger and guilt as I write this), a picture of my mom on her couch, looking ever more small/frail each week, waiting for me to visit on Sunday afternoon, reaching out to hug me saying in that familiar voice, ‘Oh, hi dear’.
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