Day 110: I Owe Money: Deep Sadness and Regret 3

Please read the previous posts, Day 108/109 for context to this blog in which I outline the problem -A lifetime of increasing debt, caused by a  pattern of fear of failure, manifesting as the ‘I’m not good enough’ character and then using hope/dreaming/spirituality, basically chasing my tail around instead of practical movement in reality, to not really try to better my income, thus getting entrenched into and living out these characters AS ME.

Continuing with the SOLUTION:  Applying self-forgiveness and living/walking a self-corrective application with each breath throughout one’s day.

From the previous post:

Thought: I hate that I borrowed money throughout my life and that I still owe people/institutions money. I wish I could turn back the clock and act responsibly. I would not do it again

Note: If you are new to this blog, I have been sober now for 9 years! Lol, I have received some comments from very upset readers concerned/angered about me as a mom.  Also, to note, when I say I was drinking alcoholically, it is a slow progression of a disease, you are not a full blown drunk right away, so the years when my children were young it was very easy to ‘hide’/I would appear completely normal to people/could handle it very well. Not an excuse or to say it had no effect/influence on my life or children’s lives. They did not see me drunk until near the end of the drinking years, which was horrible enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat around this issue: ‘I wonder what they think of me, maybe I’ll pay them back when I have more money later in life, they don’t need the money, they are lucky as they are rich, my family actually needs the money, how much will I pay them back, I should give money to a worth while cause and not to rich people just because I owe it, it was for the children, I wouldn’t have borrowed it in the fist place if I did not have the children,  I only owe it cause my ex left the marriage,  their relative did not live up to his commitments that ‘s why I borrowed in the fist place, to support the children and why I owe them money now, they are rich- screw paying them back, I should pay them, it is the principal of the situation, it is living with integrity to pay the banks and rich ex-relatives back, but I need the money and they don’t, I don’t know.. what the hell, life is weird and unfair, it is a dilemma!’

Why do I talk myself in circle in my head like this ? What do I desire/not want to give up?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am being directed by anger: about past failure-so living within/as the starting point of the past and worry that this issue wont’ get resolved & anger at my parents, as in blaming them for my financial failure-as in marrying a man who is a bully/verbally abusive like my Dad and so the marriage eventually failed & I had the example of my mom being at stay at home mom and wanted the same for my life and so did not further pursue a career after my first child & anger at the world systems for a society where some have so much and some so little and when I found myself as a ‘have not’ it was very difficult to ‘get on my feet again’ almost impossible without family assistance.  Also I afraid that if I don’t review these issues (of the backchat above about my debt)  over and over in my mind, I’ll forget or miss something, which is not trusting my process of stopping thoughts, to stabilize myself here in physical equality and oneness. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I desire to be seen as a winner, and to be liked, I don’t want to give that up, being seen as a character in a story, ‘who failed but then lived up to her responsibilities-came through in the end with grace and no bitterness’ kind of thing.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am/have been directed by guilt that I was not mentally healthy /stable enough at the time I borrowed to organize myself to make monthly payments, which I see now would have been a sensible solution, I acted in self-interest and followed my ego of wanting to be a songwriter, which was not realistic (I realize it was fun and that is ok for enjoyment!) because it takes money to record and promote and it takes a clear head to write and record and promote and I was an active alcoholic during the years I went into alot of debt AND NOT OF CLEAR MIND. I also realize my fear f failure stopped me from any serious attempt at promoting/sharing/performing music and of course, the stuff I wrote may not have made income regardless. And so I realize I should have created another path (I did make income-basement apartment, summer students, daycare in home) to make more steady income to pay my debts and not allow bills/financial commitments to pile up throughout the year so I need, yet another loan!

When and as I see myself falling into participating/engaging in inner conversation/backchat about owing money to people and institutions, making excuses, blaming, etc. I say ‘stop, not participating, back to breath’ and I take in a deep breath and focus on my physicality and my day and get on with the task at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following emotions around this issue of debt: fear, sadness, regret, remorse, embarrassment, shame, anger, resent, inferior, superior, blame, self-blame, lethargy, apathy, hopelessness, helplessness.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am living out the ‘not good enough’ character of letting the mind of ‘fear of failure’ direct me/my day instead of me directing myself in each moment–so I used alcohol, sleep, spirituality (belief in a higher power), writing music, dreaming of success–to postpone, not try, give up to really take steps to tackle my lack of movement to financially get myself stable, independent of any financial institution  or personal financial assistance, so as not to keep taking money out of my mortgage to survive-depleting my only asset-which would lead to further, future financial dependency.

When and as I see myself participating in such emotions around the issue of personal debt, I remind myself I am physical and I touch myself and use breath to bring myself back down to earth and t stabilize myself here as I now see/realize/understand engaging in these emotions only further harms my physicality and does not change the situation, I have settled quite a bit of my debt in the last few years and will figure out the rest in time, I will pay back the ones who have an abundance of money last-an agreed upon percent, as they do not need it in common sense and that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so possessed by my reactions of emotions I was unaware the effect this was having on my human physical body; stress/strain on my back and shoulder and facial muscles, tight jaw, shallow breathing, holding my breath, tightness in my  solar plexes and all this allowing this energy to break down the substance of my muscle tissue so essentially eat away at the cell/structure of the physical, depleting it  and aging it or causing disease over time. Why? To use the substance to produce/substantiate more energy! Like I am being used as an energy machine -my emotions the fuel to keep the machine –as the mind/conscious/sub-con/un-con–running. But if I allow this machine to keep running then I am not life HERE the machine is , I am just an organic robot  REACTING, which harms me and others that I love/respect. This is unacceptable to me now.

When and as I see myself going into a behavioral change within my physical body, I immediately stop myself, using my breath to pull myself back down to earth–get re-grounded as I now see /realize/understand  to let myself get this far means I have lost my true beingness lost in my mind and followed a thought allowing it to control my very physicality which results in harm. I remind myself I no longer accept myself to let the past control me through fear I cannot change the past through the emotions of regret and sadness but I can resolve issues in the present and move myself responsibly to ensure the past is not repeated and to be compassionate to/with others who experience debt/financial stress and work toward a lasting solution, EMC (Equal Money Capitalism).  I use my breath and carry on with my day, remaining out of my ‘head’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of engaging in my mind instead of remaining present/here with breath of ; strengthening my mind- as the conscious and subconscious- and not strengthening my stand here, not being able to be fully aware and really engage in a meaningful or supportive way-as behaving and treating others how I would want to be treated in the same situation with patience and fairness and not bringing in the past to the conversation,  not exemplifying the Desteni message of oneness and equality and being fully physical (not a mind system) so as to not stand as complete stability in each moment, as someone that can be trusted to do/live the principal of ‘what is best for all’ and not just in self-interest (and I am accusing others-my creditors- in my mind of not being trustworthy), and lastly, I timeloop myself and have to face this point, of thinking and following the thought, ‘I hate that I borrowed money throughout my life and that I still owe people/institutions money. I wish I could turn back the clock and act responsibly. I would not do it again’, over and over again until I am able to trust myself not to engage/participate in the mind, breathe through it,  when it comes up.

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to the process of freeing myself and others from the many consequences that result from mind participation and specifically around this issue of me acting as ‘the debtor’ and ‘I’m not good enough’ characters. Thus, when I see these characters, I immediately stop, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand when I participate in the mind I create consequences, which creates a time loop, so I am not facing myself in self-honesty in that moment and will have to re-walk the point , when I could simply slow down and face what has come up within myself- in this moment. I also see it is self-sabotoge, as re-living the past/creating the future from the past, instead of being self-honest/self-directive in the moment here, finally, I do not wish to cause unnecessary harm/strain to others who where trying to assist me financially in the past.

Join us in the Journey to Life!

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

http://forum.desteni.org


http://equalmoney.org/forum/


http://desteniIprocess.com

Day 109: I Owe People Money: Deep Sadness and Regret 2

Please read the previous post, Day 108 for context to this blog in which I outline the problem -a lifetime of increasing debt, caused by a  pattern of fear of failure, manifesting as the ‘I’m not good enough’ character and then using hope/dreaming/spirituality, basically chasing my tail around instead of practical movement in reality, to not really try to better my income, thus getting entrenched into and living out these characters AS ME.

So now for the SOLUTION:  Applying self-forgiveness and living/walking a self-corrective application with each breath throughout one’s day.

From the previous post:

Thought: I hate that I borrowed money throughout my life and that I still owe people/institutions money. I wish I could turn back the clock and act responsibly. I would not do it again

Note: If you are new to this blog, I have been sober now for 9 years! Lol, I have received some comments from very upset readers concerned/angered about me as a mom.  Also, to note, when I say I was drinking alcoholically, it is a slow progression of a disease, you are not a full blown drunk right away, so the years when my children were young it was very easy to ‘hide’/I would appear completely normal to people/could handle it very well. Not an excuse or to say it had no effect/influence on my life or children’s lives. They did not see me drunk until near the end of the drinking years, which was horrible enough.

Continuing:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘the debtor’ and as the debtor think, ‘I hate that I borrowed money throughout my life and that I still owe people/institutions money. I wish I could turn back the clock and act responsibly. I would not do it again.’

When and as I see I am falling into this character and this re-occuring thought, as the beginning of a pattern, I say ‘NO, not participating, back to breath’ and I stand and I use breath to stabilize myself here in physical equality and oneness, as I now see/realize/understand I cannot effectively direct myself/my day if I am lost in my mind of continual thinking, participating in this one thought leads me down the rabbit hole of all sorts of backchat and pictures/memories and it does not change the past and is therefore a waste of my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my engagement in this thought is based on a foundation of fear of failure and leads me into another character ‘I’m not good enough’ and as this character I give myself an ‘out’/excuse to not remain with clarity (out of consciousness as/with the starting point of the past) and move freely throughout my day/ move forward with tasks that will lead to/can lead to  a resolution of this situation.

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to be aware of this fear of failure and tendency to go into a state/feeling of hopelessness around this situation, so I stop all such participation in  this fear as I now see/realize/understand there is nothing to be afraid of, as in reality the past is the past and what remains is pictures/memories in my mind, which when I go back to breath/my physical body and focus on staying out of my mind, dissipates until it vanishes completely, so it has no power-reality in itself-except what power I give it in the moment, so I let it go and continue on with my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in my imagination around this thought with moving pictures/images/memories/fantasies of re-paying debt or being vindicated somehow, lol of :  imaginings of receiving a boat load of money and how the relief would feel, winning the lottery, winning a car from my coffee purchase (promotion from local coffee shop), pictures of all the various people and institutions I owe money to and me paying them back -smiling and apologizing, writing a letter to people explaining why/how this happened and why taking me so long to re-pay, dropping off a letter at a house, imagining what my creditors say about me/think about me, imagining me as the ‘good person’/victim and my creditors as the ‘wolves at the door‘ (personal and institutions) and them realizing one day equality is what is needed in the world and they were wrong to want re-payment-not let me ‘off the hook’ for the debt and I was right, imaging seeing some of my creditors–and some other people who I had asked for a loan but they said no (these were acquaintances)– at some upcoming social functions and me feeling ashamed/embarrassed and explaining to them why I asked -so planning out my speech so I come out looking/them thinking better of me.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my process of staying aware with breath here, because I am worried if I don’t think about it, it will not get resolved, I want to change my negative energy of the emotions of guilt/regret/shame to positive energy experience of revenge, relief, happiness in self-interest-so failure to success-which is just another character–in polarity– using energy from the physical body to feed the mind consciousness systems!  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I use the imagination I am strengthening my mind of illusion INSTEAD OF STRENGTHENING MY STAND HERE in physical equality and oneness.

When and as I see myself participating in my imagination around this thought/the character of the ‘the debtor’ I immediately bring myself out of my head and back to the physical with a firm statement ‘no, not participating, back to breath’ (if others are present, I simply say this in my mind or whisper it) and then continue to focus on ONE BREATH AT A TIME remaining here, as I now see/realize/understand engaging in my mind of imagination leads to further mind energy manifesting in the form of emotions and then physical body changes and can lead to consequences ie. postponement so not accomplishing my daily tasks and family responsibilities or work responsibilities, it does not change the past, it keeps me from changing in any substantial/lasting way as my starting point IS THE PAST and not here-where real power manifests moment to moment.

Note: About half of my debt has been payed OR resolved in a settlement=partial payment, over the last 5 years, through re-financing (again) and coming to an agreement with creditors, and also to note most of what is left is personal debt I owe to ex-relatives.

To continue with the SOLUTIONS the next post, as examining internal conversations, reactions of emotions and feelings, physical body changes, consequences and then outlining some of the REWARDS of change that result from this process of writing yourself to freedom! (see below Dip Pro and Dip Lite)

Join us in the Journey to Life!

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

http://forum.desteni.org


http://equalmoney.org/forum/


http://desteniIprocess.com

Day 108: I Owe People Money: Deep Sadness and Regret

PROBLEM: 

Thought: I hate that I borrowed money throughout my life and that I still owe people/institutions money. I wish I could turn back the clock and act responsibly. I would not do it again

Note: If you are new to this blog, I have been sober now for 9 years! Lol, I have received some comments from very upset readers concerned/angered about me as a mom.  Also, to note, when I say I was drinking alcoholically, it is a slow progression of a disease, you are not a full blown drunk right away, so the years when my children were young it was very easy to ‘hide’/I would appear completely normal to people/could handle it very well. Not an excuse or to say it had no effect/influence on my life or children’s lives. They did not see me drunk until near the end of the drinking years, which was horrible enough.

A new point opened up for me recently (now I understand why some Destonians say this, as a deep emotion of sadness and regret was upon one morning last week, with a flood of memories). I did not grow up with this situation as my Dad did not have debt and was quite financially successful, so I did not get this borrowing mentality from my childhood.  However, I married a man who was not responsible with handling money and was in and out of work often, during our 13 years together.  I was quite surprised when he would put off paying bills/credit cards, purchase clothes/stuff when we had expenses to pay and we would still go up north (to family cottages/ski chalets) for the weekends, which had a costs.  Basically, we ignored/were not ‘on top of’ balancing the household books/what we owe. The finances were not to be discussed, he would become very angry with me if I tried to talk to him about it so I gave up eventually to ‘save my marriage’ and let him ‘control’ it for the most part. Unfortunately, I was not ‘strong enough’ during this time in my life to ‘hold my ground’ ‘take the reigns’ kind of thing. I was much too insecure and feared him leaving me if I appeared ‘too strong’. I thought it would be unattractive and I should let the man ‘be the man’.

Obviously, from what I learned in my last post, I was already living/embodying (when we started living together in my early 20′s) the personalities of ‘not good enough’ /always losing/failure and believing it is best to not speak up as it makes things worse/stay silent/the shy one/the victim, from my childhood. My first husband was quite a bit like my Dad in that he became moody and angered quickly and unpredictably, so I reacted like I did as a child, I retreated in fear and handled it the way my mom did, unspoken: ‘it is not safe to challenge this man, he is the boss and can hurt you, just keep the peace as best you can and carry on.’

This resulted in the start of years of phone calls from bill collectors, being sued for non-payment, borrowing to pay the mortgage/rent, and stress about owing money. It became a vicious circle-one of many of the alcoholic-as more collection calls came, the more I drank to handle the stress/fear & the more I drank to handle the stress/fear the more the collection calls would come in. There came I time I would literally jump in fear when the phone rang, seriously!

After my marriage ended, when I was 32 years old,  is when I began drinking alcoholically and experienced trouble with my mind , I was not stable/living in reality and the pattern continued. I had 2 small children and there was zero money by the end of the marriage, not a good situation to say the least. I was renting and I did try work at an office full time for a year but was often late (postponement, using sleep as an excuse/escape to not try/stand up which is my fear of failure) and eventually I was fired.  Note: I am simplifying the situation here.

For the most part, as I wanted to spend time with my children, I earned money at home, either renting out rooms and/or using the home as a daycare facility (as I do now).  However, because I was in a fog mentally, I did not plan for the future and could not see the whole financial picture clearly and would continually have to borrow; either re-finance with the bank and take money out of my home (I was very fortunate, my parents and my ex-in-laws helped me with a down payment to buy a town home about 3-4 years after the end of my marriage) or borrow from family/friends or use credit cards to make ends meet. I did this over and over again for about 13 years.

Obviously, this is a recipe for disaster.

I was a master manipulator, manipulating myself mostly but others as well! Shrewd, ‘dumb like fox’ and I used my ‘poor single mother’ role masterfully, if not consciously/on purpose.

I definitely lived with/within some sense of entitlement, like I grew up in a world where there was very little stress with money, my mother did not stress about bills, they took trips, we had 2 cars, a boat, a cottage, etc (not rich but well off).  My mom’s life was 100% dedicated to her kids, she never had to work or worry about paying even 1 bill, even to this day. Then as we got older she went to the tennis club more, investment and bridge club, curling club, we had extravagant Christmases, and always lots of food and treats in the house. My sister’s life, basically turned out this way as well. I can see now how this fed into my sense of entitlement, laziness, and self-interest and self-pity as I could see my life was not working out the same way.

I acted in self-interest, purely selfish survival mode. I would get-borrow- some money and pay all the back bills, wash away my shame with a bottle and become euphoric at the relief of having a little left over but of course, it never lasted. I would savor the feeling of relief-pretend like I was rich, not as in a fantasy but like money would always be easy to come by-as if I would make money from music (I wrote songs) or marry rich (lol but I never dated, as my lover was my bottle), like how it was for my mom and sister (they both married men who were committed to the marriage and made very good and stable income).

To continue with self-forgiveness & commitment statements as the solution

Join us in the Journey to Life!

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

http://forum.desteni.org


http://equalmoney.org/forum/


http://desteniIprocess.com

Day 52: Solution: Stressed Out by The Little Things: part 2

See Day 51 for context: Commitment Statements

I commit myself to stop myself whenever the thought arise, ‘there are too many thoughts to get through’ as in process (DIP) (The 7 Year Journey To Life) and use the subsequent feeling, of overwhelmingness, as an excuse to postpone, as I now see/realize/understand to beLIEve this thought as true, as me, is false, as I am indeed only here, in the physical and can isolate this one thought, forgive it, and direct myself in the moment, with  breath, to carry out my task of writing, simply, no emotion required!

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application  be aware of the first thought, as ‘it’s too much’ so as to stop the emotion of fear arising, if I find I have gone into fear, I stop, I breathe, bring myself back down to earth, to reality and out of my mind of illusion, as I now see/realize/understand participating in this fear is what causes me to become stagnant and frozen, doomed to repeat the past of living from the starting point of reaction instead of becoming an effective living being here, who can  give, communicate, support and assist others so we may together put an end the abuse on earth by standing up for equality.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating in the lie, ‘there is not enough time’ as I now see/realize/understand it was always me, in following and then accepting this lie to exist within and as me, who believed it and engaged in wasting time by going into backchat about –list making–all the little chores that need to be done INSTEAD of moving/directing myself TO DO THEM without energy, but by engaging in the energy reactions of emotions and then the subsequent behavioral changes in my body of:  tension, aches and pains in the muscle tissue, anxiety and the tightening of my chest and stomach, shortness of breath, I would get tired very quickly and PROVE to myself , ‘ See, I am exhausted, I need to rest, I knew there wasn’t enough time’. It is no longer acceptable to me to follow such patterns, as I simply require to move, with breath, out of my mind and breathe through any thoughts that come up/arise AS THEY COME UP and everything gets done, with time to spare!

I commit myself to NOT accept and allow myself to lye in bed when I first wake up/the alarm goes off but to immediately rise and meet my day with one breath, as I now see /realize/understand that the mind re-boots itself, as it is the computer of all my past, imbedded in my very flesh, and I do not require pictures/memories/thoughts/emotions/imaginings/fantasies using the construct of time (past, present, future) to be an effective human being, but I do require breath, in each here moment, to keep this unconditional gift of the human physical body, to effectively direct myself, as what is best for all life, in all ways.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application to be aware, to be here, each morning when I am busy with the kids (children I have in my daycare) and not get lost in my mind, when I find I have gone past the first thought and am now into backchat/inner conversation, which is bringing up one picture after another in my head, and when I then find the tension/anxiety -emotion- is building- I commit TO STOP myself and breathe, as I now see/realize/understand I cannot effectively direct myself/my day when I am lost in my mind of pictures/images and not here, to be fully available to the children, what they are doing/saying, I cannot truly hear them/assist them/interact with them if I am busy in my mind and this is no longer acceptable to me, as it stems from self-interest and fear only.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application  stop all such inner self-talk as backchat during my day, especially first thing in the morning when the children arrive and my husband is around, as I now see/realize/understand it does not change anything but in fact harms my physicality by creating and then using energy, within the emotions it creates, to consume the flesh. In that, I now understand the mind is indeed a consumption machine, round and round it goes, constantly and continuously -as within so without- just as I have become a consumer in society/within the world systems, unaware of the harm I am doing by buying endless shit I do not need but have become dependent upon/addicted to, blissfully unaware of the plastic garbage islands/waste in our oceans, that is amassing daily and destroying the plant and animal kingdoms, in my destructive path. From the greater to the small, it starts here, with me standing absolute, with a still mind, moving within my day, being here for my job, the children in my daycare, and fulfilling my other daily responsibilities in stability, with no mind movement. As this is a process, I remind myself to be patient and kind to myself and carry on with the task at hand.

I commit myself, whenever I find I have gone into emotions of guilt, fear, anxiety, blame, judgement of myself and others, resulting from participating in backchat/self-talk throughout my day, to stop and breathe, to stabilize myself as I bring myself out of my mind and feel my feet firmly planted on the ground-physical, as I now see/realize/understand how engaging in these emotions/feelings takes me away from the reality of what is here in my life and into some illusionary drama that does not exist and makes it impossible for me to effectively direct myself, as a responsible daycare provider, wife, mother, daughter and human being.  I now see that such behavior is not life but a useless, programmed, robot destined to only repeat the past as patterns of postponement, self-interest, confusion, failure and so unable to contribute anything of value to my world, but to crawl in fear toward old age and this is no longer acceptable to me.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application, stop myself when I find I am experiencing physical bodily changes brought on from the emotions/feelings I have allowed unaware, by saying ‘No, not participating‘ and using breath to stabilize myself, out of the mind of illusion and self-interest, back down to earth and then to breathe, in absolute stability, until the aches and pains disappear, my muscles relax, my throat relaxes, the nauseous feeling goes away, as I now see/realize/understand it was my participation in the whole process of thought-backchat-fear-emotions that created the discomfort in the first place and this is not necessary or productive, in any way, but was brought upon by my being unaware of my reality/lost in my mind. As well, these bodily reactions will result in the consumption/decay of the flesh and this is no longer acceptable to me.

Day 46: How Do I Face What I Have Done? Solution: Commitment Statements part 6

Now that one has got a new starting point/foundation as one has applied self-forgiveness, how do you practically walk/apply this, day to day?  Through the writing and living of commitment statements:

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I have a memory arise within me of when L. would ask what I was drinking, or why I smelt funny, and breathe and not follow these memories further but to stand and gain self-awareness back here in the physical -to what is real and current before me- as I now see /realize/understand it is not by engaging in memories and then emotions and behaviors that things are righted, as I only go into an energetic reaction of guilt that harms me, but it is by directing myself here, and speaking self-honestly in the moment to my daughter that is effective. I realize I have spoken to her several times during my sobriety and made amends and more importantly,  make a daily living amends by being sober and available anytime to/for her.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I allow myself to get to the point of playing out a scene/memory of when I used to hang out at bars and have superficial encounters with men, be elated while getting ready to go out, treat the men I met in bars as ‘insignificant’ without the starting point of one and equal,  as I now see/realize/understand to continue/follow these memories further will only lead me into the emotions of guilt/blame/regret which is a waste of time/does not change the past is a total replay of a replay of a replay …… as such is useless, as this only uses energy from the emotions to transform substance/physicality into further mind energy which only serves to harm the physical body as it gets slowly eaten away. I realize I was not capable at the time to treat these men with the respect they deserve as life, one and equal to me, and I do not allow myself to participate in such behavior now.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and focus back on physical reality each time I have a memory arise about when I used to drink and then call my parents or others. I commit myself to not engage participate in the emotions that subsequently arise of guilt and shame as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible human being/daughter but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application, to stop myself by being aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret/humiliation of the past when a memory/thought /picture arises,  in my mind, of the time when a relative bought gifts for my children at christmas and I had none for her children.  I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.  Furthermore, I see/realize/understand christmas is bullshit/meaningless and, until we create a world that is best for all in equality, I do not participate in christmas (I will in small way so as to not upset/be a rebel in my family, whom I respect) and I know this person and I are one and equal, in fact, and money does not define us, as money will one day disappear and there will be nothing left but the being to face herself (both me and her-not suggesting I have not been guilty of consumerism, I have).

Day 45: Alcoholism: How Do I Face What I Have Done? part 5

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of L. saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I stank of booze through my pores and was sweaty and shaky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, sitting at the bar smoking thinking about the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, I just used them to feed my ego, I used them physically and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I never remembered them and I would brush them off  because I was hung over and feeling like crap, me me me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to those men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me, on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across as a super friendly/flirty/strong/confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, how pathetic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being self-honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better/superior or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex- husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a relative, one Christmas, at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage, a husband who is a ‘good’ guy, and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idiot, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face.  She has positioned herself in the world systems so she ‘has it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck, I am a complete loser and she is so together, why did she have to do that and throw it in my face? She is so insensitive.”

Solution: Facing these consequences as memories With Commitment Statements to follow

Day 44: Commitment Statements : No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction Character part 4

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as the self-directive force of me, here, in each moment of breath. Breaking the chains!

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application, from existing as the past/from the starting point of the past in thinking about how I hurt my children through my drinking-questioning it-mulling it over and over in my mind letting it possess/control my day and each moment, as I now see/realize/understand this does not change the past, what is done is done, and I can now only direct myself here in responsibility to my children, myself and all of humanity, the animal kingdom and nature by standing back up each time I fall, facing myself as fear, the fear I have carried with me as memories of the character of ‘the alcoholic Mom’, fear of the consequences, each time I face this character and refuse to participate in the subsequent thoughts/emotions/feelings, I remove a layer of the memories I have built up over many years, until she will exist no longer.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a memory come up of apologizing to my children for being drunk and the deep regret it brought with it, as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible parent but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application be aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret of the past and believing the past has a hold of myself and/or my son because of my drinking, as I now see/realize/understand we are both here and not the prisoners of the past, as he is doing well in University and holds a job, I am here for him and he knows this, as well, I realize it is a waste of time to hold these memories within and as me, as I can support and assist him and myself more effectively by being here and not lost in my mind of regret.

I commit myself to moment to moment self-awareness so that when memories arise within my consciousness, to take me away from my current reality here,  of drinking and driving and of  P.’s birthday party in the ravine, I stop, I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.

Day 43: No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction character part 3

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as self-directive force here, in each moment of breath. Break the chains!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will L  and P. do without me?…  Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll quit tomorrow.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotion of guilt and self-pity and self-hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done?  How have I harmed my children?’, when it is a waste of time and knowing my children now see me sober, within first AA (alcoholics anonymous) and now within Desteni, a living, breathing, daily, amends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her -once again- how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’ and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this, the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt L. and I was supposed to be her protector.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of P. sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor P. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is slow (within the world systems of school/work) now. He sits in front of his computer for hours at a time. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  having a picture in my mind of P’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back, because I had blacked out, and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bringing up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love P.. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and L. taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. She asked what it was and I said something like ‘It is a special drink for adults. Don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt, shame, regret bringing up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’ Subsequently, I forgive myself for the following behavioral changes in my physical body as I type this:  the muscles in my mid back and chest tightened , my jaw tight and clenched and my breath becoming short and erratic.

Commitment statements to follow.

Day 42: I Can’t Stop Drinking : comittment statements part 2 of Addiction Character

The first thought is like the first drink!  It’s the one that gets you in ‘trouble’ and leads you down the rabbit hole, therefore it is important to be AWARE.  It’s the first drink that gets you drunk-as you have started the chain of events and the train of thoughts/thought patterns that inevitably lead you to certain reactions (emotions and feelings) and then physical body changes  (ie. tension of muscles) as you become more and more  lost in your mind/possessed by your thoughts.

I commit myself to remain here, in awareness with breath, whenever I think I drank alcoholically for 10 years and this topic is too much/big to possibly ‘get through’ and I now see/realize/understand what is done is done, it is no longer reality and a waste of time to ‘go back’ in time in my mind of thoughts, also I will get through this topic the same way I created my alcohol problem, one breath at a time, therefore I commit to slowing down and take it one word at a time and it will get done, as I remain patient with myself.

I commit myself to, through a daily process of writing/self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop myself whenever I think about how I used alcohol to medicate myself, as I now see/realize/understand it was what I was capable of doing to support myself, at the time, and I did not understand what was happening to me (‘hearing voices’) and I now understand, through DIP (Desteni I Process Course) that it was my own mind speaking to me ( I had accessed my own backchat/inner chatter) but it SEEMED LIKE something/someone else was ‘talking back to me’ in my mind. I know this to be true as I was able to stop the thoughts/control it 100% over time.

*Note: you can read my whole story and watch on youtube , links will be added as the days continue.

I commit myself to support and assist others to understand what I have learned, through participating with Desteni, that there is a ‘cure’ for ‘mental illness‘ and that cure is stopping participation in the mind! If you are currently having trouble with your mind and are on medication -do not stop your medication-enough to know you will be able to in time.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating/engaging in emotions of sadness, regret, anger, fear, jealousy and guilt when remembering/going through all the layers of memory, that I currently exist as- which is embedded into my very physical body from the years I have existed as a mind = participating in thoughts- as I now see/realize/understand this is necessary to release-RE-PROGRAM myself/physical body so I am able to participate in life fully/effectively, as the directive principal of me here and not just an organic robot with thoughts/reactions/pictures in my mind coming up automatically, one leading to another, which makes me exist just as the past-from the starting point of the past-and not here in awareness as life.

I commit myself to stop myself and SLOOOOOOW DOWN, whenever I think alcohol will help me relax, ‘get through’ a social event, help me ‘have more fun’ as I now see/realize/understand I do not require to do/be anything for myself or others, other than just be here-aware and then I am able to really hear them/share with them, instead of being only partially aware of what they are saying because of being half in my secret mind of self-interest-thinking-not listening, ‘what do they think of me/how do I look/will they like me? I don’t like their new hair cut/I wonder how much money they made this year?…’

I commit myself to, through a daily process of writing/self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop all participation in, reactions of emotions of guilt/regret/sadness/fear with regard to engaging in my mind of memories (thought patterns, pictures in the mind, imaginations ie. changing a memory to an ending I prefer, talking in my head-sentences replaying a memory scene) of drinking and driving/selfish drunken behavior during my children’s birthdays/experiences throwing up/chocking/almost drowning/hangovers ie. consequence of the physical abuse to my body as I now See/Realize/Understand if I participate in these memories I am not STANDING IN ABSOLUTE STABILITY HERE, but am lost in the past in my mind! This is no longer acceptable to me and thus I commit to stop, slooooow down, bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical-TO REALITY- to earth and direct myself in awareness using the tools of breath, hearing the sounds that are going on all around me, being aware of my physical body/nature all around me, BEING HERE.

Addiction Blog to Continue.

Day 40: Can You Overcome Your Fear of Death? Commitment Statements

Again, using these 7 dimensions as a guideline:  Fear, thought, imagination, backchat, reactions, physical and consequence

I commit myself to, whenever I become aware that I am lost in my mind with thoughts of fear of death, stop, breathe, bring myself back to the physical, here, and remind myself when I am busy thinking about death, I am not focused on living/life, which is a total waste of  time, and in this awareness ensure that I do not accept and allow fear of death to influence/control my opportunity that is here in every moment of breath to live/learn how to live.

I commit myself to, when/as a thought manifest in my mind of/as fear of death – as a word: hospital, cancer, process, replacement, bird, grandfather, casket, end, horrible, awful, stiff, dirty, squashed, fake, unnatural OR a single picture/pixel of me in a hospital bed, a dead bird, a car accident, a coffin- to stop and breathe, realising I am Here in this breath in this body that is expressing/moving/functioning, and with me accepting and allowing myself to follow a mere thought, I am missing another breath/moments in which I can practice applying me in stopping participation in the mind and directing myself in the physical, and so apply myself to stop participation in thought, take that breath and remind me that I am already here and utilize that time/breaths effectively for me to stand/learn how to in fact live.

I commit myself to assist and support me, to when/as I find that I am creating a relationship in my mind to imagination-of telling my children I am going to die, being at my own funeral and seeing who is there, going for cancer treatment, ‘failing’ at process (not birthing myself as life in the physcial) , being replaced, a car crashing and me lying dead in the car, being shot, drowning, burning in a fire- instead of being here with and as the physical, to stop and breathe &  to realise that, in and during that process of imagining, all that’s benefitting is the mind/energy, charging up the fear of death character and in that moment direct myself to move into reality, from imagination and continue applying/practicing this as I continue walking my process from the mind to the physical.

I commit myself to, when I find that I’m backchatting about fear of death within my Mind, to see, realise and understand that at this stage/phase of my participation in the Mind I am in the process of validating/defending/justifying a character/personality within me, and so I immediately stop, breathe and have a look at what activated the fear of death, what fear I am in fact facing in that moment, cause what it ‘s showing me is that I immediately went into a ‘fear of death’ reaction, when behind it/within it lies a point that I actually fear losing/giving up cause it will mean change and I don’t want to change, and so I hide behind fear of death instead of being/becoming change and taking responsibility for me. In this I commit myself to face my fear of not seeing/being with my children: to hold them/assist them/enjoy their company, miss seeing the earth in all her beauty of nature, miss the opportunity to support others in process of birthing themselves as life in the physical, give up being noticed ‘liked’ accepted by other destonians and learn to become humble, give up rushing so as to ‘beat’ death, the fear my funeral would not be well attended and that I have not been a ‘good’ person so regret of the past, and to face my feelings of powerlessness/helplessness.

I commit myself to assist and support me to, when/as I go into reactions of emotions and feelings within and as the fear of death character/personality, specifically:  panic, sadness, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, disappointment-as in ‘my death is inevitable’ so powerlessness and then ANGER, rushing to ‘beat’ death and so to take a breath and stop as I see realise and understand that I am in that moment in the movement of the mind as energy MOVING ME instead of me directing myself/my living with and as BREATH, here in and as the reality that is real; and so in this process walk from energy to physicality, walking/practicing this process of being/becoming physical and no more participate in the consequential relationship between the mind of energy to the physical.

I commit myself to assist and support me, when/as I find I’m completely in possession within and as this character, to breathe and to stop, establish/identify the initial starting point of the reaction and walk this character through in finding why/how it is that it took over to such an extent without me being self aware here with the physical, and so in this process practice the walking of me no more accepting/allowing possession to go so far, but become disciplined/directive to stop participation in the mind before the mind takes over to such an extent of taking over the body and so walk my process of as the walking of self forgiveness with the physical, to no more accept/allow the mind to have control, but that I live here and stand here with the physical in walking the process of what it means to in fact live.

I commit myself to assist and support me to stop my fear of death, establish self awareness of me living as I participate in reality, stop the excuse of it being easier to fear death than to learn how to live and face myself, knowing there is no way to hide behind fear of death in my mind to not change/stand up and take responsibility for me,  there is no place to hide from myself, not even in death, and so I will not wait for myself in death to face me or to realise I cannot hide from myself, but commit myself to make the decision to face me here and actually do it.