Day 118: Consequences of CONsciousness

Please refer to day 115/116/117 for context to this blog, in which I am deconstructing my fear of stopping thoughts.

Today’s blog will examine the consequenses of participating in the continual act of thinking/CONsciousness.

From Day 115: Thought:  If I stop my thoughts I will be bored and lonely, as in nothing going on inside to occupy/entertain/inspire=manipulate me.  As well, I’m afraid I might access some power I cannot handle  because I do not know if I”m  responsible enough to take on such power. I don’t know if I want the responsibility that comes with birthing ones self as life in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I am creating consequence    through the continual act of thinking. Some examples being:  I go into imagination cycles of  the same scenarios over and over again and so am not productive within my day, I use energy and thus ‘feel’ tired very quickly and then start thinking about ‘escape’ to my bed for a nap thus am not using  my time productively and do not accomplish tasks. Some thoughts from this morning:  thinking I need to lose weight, thinking about moving to a more affordable house, worrying about my mom’s health and pictures of her in the hospital, pictures of my siblings in my mind and our get together planned for this weekend, feeling guilty about the woman in my mom’s room who has no visitors thinking I should bring her in flowers and sit and talk with her. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing I am not moving myself effectively to birth myself as life in the physical but instead I am living from the starting  point of the past, as memory experiences and am only REACTING TO LIFE instead of living it HERE, behaving as an organic robot-programmed-to be a character in the ‘story of Sandy’ and this is not self-honest but self-interest as I am possessed with thoughts about how to make my life more comfortable and luxurious, being directed by ego, when millions (billions?) are in need of food, housing, child care, medical care, etc.

Why am I afraid to stop my thoughts and stop the consequence of thought?

Because I am afraid of ‘leaving’ those I love/respect behind, I am concerned I will ‘forget’ something, I am not trusting my process of becoming life in the physical, I am not using restraint as in patience with perseverance to see where this will lead me-who I will become as the directive principal of my life instead of the mind as the director/dictator of my life/movement, I DO NOT WANT TO LET GO OF THE IDEA THAT I AM IMPORTANT-that my character in isolation from the whole is important and that ‘the meaning’ of my life is to ‘be the best I can’ while I learn certain lessons basically just within myself and not the greater of humanity/earth as a whole, these lessons being to overcome ‘shyness’/inhibition/learn to act spontaneously as this is more attractive to the opposite sex lol and so ultimately good for my survival.  I don’t want to give up the idea that the meaning of my life is to survive- so from the STARTING POINT OF SELF-INTEREST- and ACCUMULATE WEALTH for me and my family- to survive the ‘best I can’ and to have fun ‘while I can’ and not worry about the rest of humanity, the plant kingdom, the animal kingdom, the oceans.  I do not want to let go of the idea that I cannot effect change within and without-so change myself to become someone who lives breath by breath to do what is best for all/will accumulate into what is best for all on this planet, I do not want to give up my dreams (stemming from my personalities I have built over my lifetime) of wealth, fame, ease and comfort, fun and excitement-travel. I don’t want to give up the idea I am a ‘good/caring person’ and it is enough to be kind and do some random acts of kindness or give to charity.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop creating consequence outflow from desiring to hold onto consciousness/the continual act of thinking, living isolated within my own mind, living in separation from the whole of life, earth as one living organism/body, by bringing my awareness back to breath HERE each moment I find I am in the act of thinking. I realize I can move with the physical and get things done and take time for planning so I do not forget any task that is important to accomplish within my day, I realize I am actually more effective/accomplish more when I am focused on breath and not in my head/mind with random thoughts popping up and then following them. I understand/realize to worry about others is useless, my family/friends are in their own processes and I do not control them nor can I ‘push them’ but can live as an example of stability, moving here in the physical, so when/if they should ask I can share my process, all I am learning within the Desteni I Process, with them.  I also see that I am learning, one breath at a time, restraint and patience and perseverance and so to engage in frustration with myself is useless but I can remind myself to be gentle /kind to me. I understand that I am not important-as in the story of my life- in isolation but I am part of the whole of this planet and my reason for existence is not to just survive but to become an aware being in each moment so as to act in full awareness able to create a life that is worth living for all on earth and not just some ‘fortunate’ ones who have the money to do so, in that I realize EMC Equal Money Capitalism will be a step towards this goal. I realize I am not here to just learn lessons of survival and overcoming some small personality defects and write some songs-WHICH IS LIVING IN LIMITATION-  but to learn the ultimate life lesson- that LIFE IS NOT A CONTAINMENT OF LIMITATION AND I AM LIFE- therefore I am here with breath and moving in the physical, out of my mind of thought, to create a world that is best for all where all have what they need -and when that task is done we can then focus more on enjoyment and expression and perfecting the physical.

Join us in the Journey to Life!

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

http://forum.desteni.org
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http://desteniIprocess.com

Day 117: More Fears About Stopping Thoughts 3

Please read Day 115 and Day 116 for context to this blog. From the original  post:

Thought:  If I stop my thoughts I will be bored and lonely, as in nothing going on inside to occupy/entertain/inspire=manipulate me.  As well, I’m afraid I might access some power I cannot handle  because I do not know if I”m  responsible enough to take on such power. I don’t know if I want the responsibility that comes with birthing ones self as life in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I am falling into my imagination with images of the word alone/lonely, a kind of indescribable picture of me blank/zombie like, doing nothing, staying the same with no mind-and then pictures/images of ‘rich’ relatives/aquaintances/old friends popping up in my mind  who are doing ‘fabulous things’ like skiing in Europe, dining out, laughing, shopping for the latest and greatest fashion, — which is me being directed by greed– and then   memories of my days delving into the unknown and accessing a power I did not understand ( but not actually as I could not consistently control this force) and thinking I can’t ‘go there’ again, and images of me zapping a mountain or whole village into nothingness, lol.

Why do I do this?

Firstly, because, on the one hand, I do want to let go of the self-intersted personality who wants fun/excitement/an idea of beauty/being spoiled- and live in a way that is best for all as in stopping abuse/starvation/war/the extensive suffering of human beings- but on the other hand I want to continue to live the ‘good life’  BECAUSE I FEAR BOREDOM.  And secondly,  I am afraid of the unknown, do not want to be the one (one of the ones) to go where ‘no man has gone before’ out of the mind of consciousness BECAUSE I FEAR DEATH AND SUFFERING BUT OBVIOUSLY JUST MY OWN AND TO HELL WITH THE REST OF HUMANITY.  So I want someone else to do it -someone else fix the world, not me! And I fear failure as in the curious personality/the alcoholic who cannot delay gratification and so I fear I cannot be responsible with decision making–which is not trusting myself .

When and as I see myself falling into the imagination around this thought/thought pattern, I immediately stop and bring myself back to my physical awareness with breath and remain  here, as I now see/realize/understand I do not require moving pictures and images in my mind as they just distract me/bring up emotions that ‘bring me down’, make me focus on the past and go into lethargy/a heaviness and thus then a thought as excuse to not move/not try or into a comparison and jealousy of people I know who have loooots of money. I understand I do not want to beLIEve my excuses anymore and frighten myself with thoughts of ‘my life is useless’ self-pity thoughts when millions of human being suffer this very moment and the next, when I realize I cannot look to another/wait for someone to fix this world, I must stand and breathe and move and participate in changing myself-within and my world-without. Also I realize frightening myself with images/memories from the past or some perceived future is useless and I trust myself to go slowly and not engage in anything I do not fully understand with/within my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so possessed by my reactions of the emotions of fear and anxiety I am unaware the effect this was having on my human physical body; stress/strain on my back and shoulder and facial muscles, tight jaw, shallow breathing, holding my breath, tightness in my  solar plexes, nausea in my stomach and all this allowing this energy to break down the substance of my muscle tissue so essentially eat away at the cell/structure of the physical, depleting it  and aging it or causing disease over time. Why? To use the substance to produce/substantiate more energy! Like I am being used as an energy machine -my emotions the fuel to keep the machine –the mind consciouness systems-running. But if I allow this machine to keep running then I am not life HERE the machine is , I am just an organic robot  REACTING, which harms me and others.

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, when and as I find myself participating/engaging in any such  behavioral changes within my physical body, I immediately stop myself, using my breath to pull myself back down to earth–get re-grounded as I now see /realize/understand  to let myself get this far means I have lost my true beingness, lost in my mind and followed this thought/thought pattern  allowing it to control my very physicality which results in harm. I remind myself I no longer accept myself to let the past control me through fear I cannot change the past through the emotions of fear and anxiety but I can resolve issues in the present and move myself responsibly to ensure the past is not repeated.  I use my breath and carry on with my day, remaining out of my ‘head’.

Join us in the Journey to Life!

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

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Day 116: More Fears About Stopping Thoughts 2

Please read Day 115 for context to this blog. From yesterdays post:   Thought:  If I stop my thoughts I will be bored and lonely, as in nothing going on inside to occupy/entertain/inspire=manipulate me.  As well, I’m afraid I might access some power I cannot handle  because I do not know if I”m  responsible enough to take on such power. I don’t know if I want the responsibility that comes with birthing ones self as life in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am participating in fear as the foundation/reason this thought exists, letting fear control/direct  me in my decision making and movement within my day. In that,  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am fearing letting go of my personalities, as in the fear of failure/not good enough character who uses apathy/laziness as an excuse to not do process and push myself as becoming life here in the physical as I  avoid ‘work’/changing and so not wanting to face a feeling of boredom or loneliness (if I am not chatting away to myself inside my own mind), & the ‘not good enough’/fear of failure character to not face the responsibilities of what it means to live as life without the mind, as in the excuse ‘I’m going to fail anyway so why bother trying’ &/or the excuse ‘if I succeed I could make a mistake/screw up and harm myself or another so why bother trying.’

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I desire still to use the energy of excitement to move-motivate me versus a slow and steady learning process so I also fall into the polarity character, who is all impatient/curious and wants to run instead of walk, and then go into fear because my thoughts are not realistic and too extreme and subsequently I  fear things I do not understand and make assumptions such as using ‘magic’-things happening in quantum time-   or like I have already ‘done it’/succeeded and so have a false sense of completeness/accomplishment and so do not move in the physical to learn/change/grow one breath at a time.

*Note : the fear in itself is an energy which has similar properties of excitement

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to the process of stopping all such fears by SLOWING DOWN and using breath to stabilize myself here, bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand it is in my habit of ‘jumping ahead’ so to rush with the energy of excitement that creates the fear and I am learning how to move myself without energy and so this is no longer what I want as an example of life for myself and others.  I realize nothing is magic when you understand it point by point, for example seeing someone play the piano or guitar and then you try and it seems impossible but when you -over several days/weeks/months-pick up that guitar and learn one step at a time eventually it just seems ‘normal’/'easy’ to play and not magic or impossible at all  but is a enjoyable and almost natural expression of yourself.  Also I tell myself,  ‘No, not participating’ when and as I feel the lethargic energies coming on as I no longer find it acceptable to use tiredness as an excuse to postpone tasks/responsibilities (it is an ongoing process that I am aware of daily).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am participating in backchat around this thought/thought pattern of some of the following: “This is too hard, I have to focus too much, like all the time, are you kidding me,  it is impossible, it takes way to much effort, it is not ‘natural’ to not think, I will be alone/lonely, it’s too quiet, I’ll be bored, it is impossible for me to accomplish direct seeing, it’s not happening, I’m not good enough to accomplish this so I may as well not try and have a nap, I do notice a difference when I am still, there is alot of power here, I’m afraid of that power, I cannot control that power, I could f*** up and harm myself or someone else, I don’t want to f*** up, I should just stay away from stuff like this I know what happened in my past, I’m not going there again, it’s impossible, human beings will never be able to be trusted with complete responsibility of being life in the physical, we should not try, I should not even try…”

When and as I see myself engaging in inner chatter/backchat around fears about stopping thoughts I stop, I breathe and bring my awareness out of my mind and back to the physical, as I now see/realize/understand it is all a lie, or several lies I tell myself over and over, from the personality I have created throughout my life as the ‘not good enough’ character who is afraid of failure and so has a huge pile of excuses to not try or not be consistent and work toward task completion to eventually change- myself and my world/within and without-so I give myself an ‘out’ /give up before I have even started sometime, lol, and rarely stick to something until I have mastered it, accepting instead a life of mediocracy/average joe/doesn’t matter if I do it or not -kind of thing.

I realize I can change and indeed I am changing, I can learn from the past and not repeat mistakes, I know how and want to take responsibility for myself and my world, it does matter if one person changes as it will be in the equality equation of 1  + 1  that eventually will bring about a world that is best for all!

To continue in the next post with deconstructing this irrational fear.

Join us in the Journey to Life!

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

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http://desteniIprocess.com

Day 115: More Fears of Stopping Thoughts

Interestingly, as I find myself more determined to not participate in the act of thinking, certain fears as backchat (internal conversation), memories and images are coming up. I will look at/examine these in this blog.

I was pretty deep into spirituality for many years (a belief in a higher power-outside of myself) when I was having trouble with my mind and then as my alcoholism developed and then as I faced sobriety-as a support/crutch -beLIEving I could not heal myself, that a ‘power greater than me’ had to do that, as AA (alcoholics anonymous suggests).

I read several self-help/spiritual books and sometimes experimented with my mind (do NOT recommend doing this). So, over a period of about 15 years, I had several unexplainable occurrences happen which sometimes frightened me or ‘proved’ to me there was some power ‘out there’. I now understand there is much more going on here (on earth-life) than we human beings are aware of. I also understand becoming aware with breath will birth one as life in a way to ‘open up’ reality and truly see in a way we are not used to, as in direct seeing. This is a process that takes several years, 7 to 15 years, in which I am engaged in now with my participation with Desteni, DIP (Desteni I Process Online Course) and JTL blogging (Journey To Life).

Thought:  If I stop my thoughts I will be bored and lonely, as in nothing going on inside to occupy/entertain/inspire=manipulate me.  As well, I’m afraid I might access some power I cannot handle  because I do not know if I”m  responsible enough to take on such power. I don’t know if I want the responsibility that comes with birthing ones self as life in the physical.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop all such participation in this thought/thought pattern by using breath and bringing myself back to my body, out of my mind, and remaining with my awareness here, as I now understand I have a pattern of ‘jumping ahead’ as in impatience and curiosity and I can indeed control this.  I understand this tendency is like a little child who wants something NOW and tends to overdo it/over indulge and get sick -like to much sweets. As I have already seen /experienced what happens when one overindulges, I do in fact trust myself to SIMPLY CONTROL MYSELF/CONTROL URGES TO RUN INSTEAD OF WALK  and can slow myself down with breath.

I also realizes this tendency is related to my desire/want to have something NOW, a lack of ability to ‘delay gratification’ common in the alcoholic or any action that becomes an addictive behavior, to want to grab something outside of myself to ‘make me feel instantly better’ no matter what the cost/consequence.  So if I am experiencing myself as bored/lonely/something missing I jump to’ I must be depressed, something is missing, I need something’ when –as I realized in my first few months of sobriety (9 years ago) I am not tired/depressed I am just still /calm/ quiet within myself and can simply relax and just be here, it is ok if nothing in particular  is ‘going on’.

As well, I realize I was very addicted to (along with the alcohol) excitement-to fill the whole inside/a feeling of lack inside of myself and so drinking created excitement sometimes in a ‘fun’ way and sometimes in a upsetting/frightening way (such as waking up and not knowing where your car it, lol, one simple example).  Again, as I have already lived through much consequence of this , I am aware of this happening now so, in self-honesty and self-trust, I commit to stopping this behavior-remind myself  ‘I’m ok here in this moment with breath and, although I do not know who I will be as I continue my process of stopping participation in thought, I know I can now trust myself to not jump ahead, to not be directed/controlled by curiosity and feelings of fear or lack, and I continue on calmly with the task at and and my day.

To continue with examining these fears in more detail, with regard to:  imagination, inner chatter, emotions/feelings, how this effects my physical body and consequences in the blogs to come.

Join us in the Journey to Life!

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

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Day 63: The Dutiful Housewife: Re-Programming My Subservient Nature

For context please read the previous post:  Day 62: Social Engineering: Raised by Bewitched, The Brady Bunch, I Dream Of Jeannie

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to stop myself whenever I think of light housework/getting ready for a dinner party as fun and easy and relating it to a positive feeling/experience and choosing to follow/act upon this by avoiding/putting off daily writing because I have related writing/facing myself as difficult/negative, thereby replacing the negative with a supposed positive experience, as I now see/realize/understand in this act of postponement I am being completely controlled by my mind of energy (positive/negative) and not directing myself here, in the physical. In that, I also see how uncompleted tasks build up and create stress/anxiety, more mind energy, thereby I am strengthening my mind and not STANDING as stability within who I am here, a physical being.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily corrective application, stop all blame toward another/my partner as it is only my guessing/interpreting  how I think my husband would react should I say no to a social engagement, as I now see/realize/understand to blame is actually a form of projection, not reality, and an indication to me that I need to look at myself /points within myself and not point fingers. In that, I also realize my partner, if not always immediately, is very supportive of me in all ways and would arranged the dinner party for another evening if I had explained to him that, as it was my day off, I had several important task to accomplish that were a priority.

I commit myself to, assist and support myself, to stop myself immediately when I become aware I am in an energetic state of rushing, which is of the mind, mind energy I have created from
putting off tasks/postponing and then being directed by fear that there is not enough time to complete my obligations, as I now see/realize/understand I can only move as fast as one breath
at a time, anything else is an illusion and not productive, as me directing myself in awareness here, and therefore, in fact only causes me to take longer as I hesitate/second guess/worry and causes me
to become physically tired -which makes me move slower, take longer and think about having a nap, a total mind fuck!

I commit myself to, assist and support myself, to speak up in the moment, whenever I become aware I am holding anger, toward my husband/another, within and as me and not let fear, as past memory experiences, direct me/my actions.
In that, I commit to stop and breathe (a deep breath in and out) and to then trust myself to be self-honest in the moment in my communication, remaining here with breath and sticking to the topic at hand without emotion, as/with clarity and stability as I now see/realize/understand this build up of
energy emotion has consequence, it doesn’t magically disappear, as such if I suppress it, it will surface again as resentment in a rage or, alternatively, it will be stored in the physical body and over time create disease. I also realize I have no right to throw my anger around, causing others to feel uncomfortable, in disguise of speaking about another topic, but in truth letting it all out to rid myself of a crappy feeling inside, because I did not take responsibility for how I was directing myself within my day.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to be aware of and stop playing the role/part of the dutiful housewife, who is subservient in nature, putting the needs of her husband/others first as I now see/realize/understand I am not a picture, I am not a story, I am life-here, therefore to act from the starting point of memories as past experiences and not absolute equality is self-deception and not serving what is best for all, as I cannot effectively direct a situation to its optimum outcome from the starting point of fear, based in self-interest of my own survival- when this is a lie, as I am fully capable of taking care of myself, providing for my needs, eventually meeting a new partner, taking care of my health, further more this fear is a lie from the starting point of what my partner expects, as he is flexible, respectful towards me and on his own path of learning/expansion. In that, I realize it is unacceptable to me to use him as a scapegoat any longer.

I commit myself to, assist and support myself, to stop myself from using this role, of the dutiful/subservient housewife, to hide from myself by playing the victim, so when/as I see this character popping up from within me, I STOP, I BREATHE, and bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical, as I now see/realize/understand that I am allowing myself to play the victim/helpless female within this role,  and I then blame my lack of self-will/discipline with regards to time management and writing, on my partner! Subsequently letting the anger/tension build within me- THAT I HAVE TOWARDS MYSELF-  be inappropriately directed towards my partner! This is no longer acceptable to me.

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Day 60: Fear of Not Thinking: From Thinking to Direct Seeing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘fear of not thinking’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, often deliberately, not be diligent in staying with breath, breath awareness here, and get lost in my mind of delusion, as thoughts/imaginings/pictures/memories.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and as me of having strong/frequent anxiety, of my throat tightening/a tightening in my chest/constricted breathing and connecting it to a month ago when I had really slowed down my thinking, and then being directed by fear in thinking, ‘I hope those symptoms don’t come back if I stop participating in thoughts again’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as ‘fear of not thinking’, engage/participate in & relate to/believe my own backchat/internal conversation of the following;

The Negative: If I am not participating in thoughts, I won’t remember to do something important for my kids or tell them something important and hence I will be a bad Mom,  I will have to rush from one physical task to the next so I don’t think in between and I’ll be full of anxiety, I won’t be able to relax/be lazy anymore because I always have to be aware if I am using my mind, I will become exhausted, nothing will get done-my life and myself/body will deteriorate and be a mess, I will be like an animal-vacant upstairs,  I won’t be ‘me’ anymore ’cause there’s nothin left so who will I be?, I will be a zombie, now I don’t know what to think…oh yeah nothing, now I’m fucked up about this, I’ll never be able to accomplish direct seeing, it’s impossible for me, I’ll be overwhelmed by direct seeing, I have to make list in my head or I’ll forget something I have to pick up at the store or do for my mom, I will make the wrong financial decision about whether we should move or not, I’ll forget something I need to do for my daycare (home business) kids or their parents, I’ll neglect my family, I need to go over and over things in my head because new ideas come up when I’m thinking so I’ll miss something really important and screw up, I could go broke if I do not think things through about my fiances, I’ll look like/be like an animal more and more and people will think I’m weird and reject me…I will be doing more blogging and exposing my inadequacies as a writer/lack of vocabulary/poor writing and spelling skills and fail in front of everyone at Desteni and online.

The Positive: If I stop participating in thoughts maybe I won’t age or get sick/maybe I’ll be able to ‘read’ people and they’ll think I’m special/maybe I’ll be able to really assist and support others.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as ‘fear of not thinking/not participating in thoughts’,  be directed by the following reactions: emotions: fear, frustration, confusion, impatience, self-doubt AND feelings: anticipation, excitement, curiosity, hope.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as fear of not participating in thoughts, experience the following physical reactions/ behavioral changes in my body: shallow breathing, pain in  upper back, pain on the top sides of my head/slight headache,  a tightening in the chest area. In that,  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to not realize this reaction is a built in protection and defense mechanism of the mind, to keep me enslaved and on a preprogrammed life path, it is used so I do not self-realize/transcend the mind, so the mind is ‘fighting for it’s survival’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage my imagination –have moving images/movies playing in my mind–imagining how I would be with no mind as a zombie, who cannot speak or move and is dirty and unkept with ragged clothes and hair, also of someone who is more like a wild animal sniffing around and not speaking and has spiky hair and lives on the street, of people noticing how odd I am and avoiding me/keeping away from me because they think I’m nuts. As well, the opposite (lol) of being some guruish character, well respected and sought out for advice, with long robes, sandles, no make up and long straight hair.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to not realize the consequence of my own fear of stopping participation in thoughts/not thinking, as allowing myself to continue existing as a system-of consciousness-an organic robot -letting this preprogramed robot lead the way, dragging me down with all the drama of my life/life story. As well the consequence of not being able to truly see/hear/support others in my life/world because I cannot hear them because I am so occupied by my own mind of internal chatter/imaginings.

Day 44: Commitment Statements : No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction Character part 4

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as the self-directive force of me, here, in each moment of breath. Breaking the chains!

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application, from existing as the past/from the starting point of the past in thinking about how I hurt my children through my drinking-questioning it-mulling it over and over in my mind letting it possess/control my day and each moment, as I now see/realize/understand this does not change the past, what is done is done, and I can now only direct myself here in responsibility to my children, myself and all of humanity, the animal kingdom and nature by standing back up each time I fall, facing myself as fear, the fear I have carried with me as memories of the character of ‘the alcoholic Mom’, fear of the consequences, each time I face this character and refuse to participate in the subsequent thoughts/emotions/feelings, I remove a layer of the memories I have built up over many years, until she will exist no longer.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a memory come up of apologizing to my children for being drunk and the deep regret it brought with it, as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible parent but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application be aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret of the past and believing the past has a hold of myself and/or my son because of my drinking, as I now see/realize/understand we are both here and not the prisoners of the past, as he is doing well in University and holds a job, I am here for him and he knows this, as well, I realize it is a waste of time to hold these memories within and as me, as I can support and assist him and myself more effectively by being here and not lost in my mind of regret.

I commit myself to moment to moment self-awareness so that when memories arise within my consciousness, to take me away from my current reality here,  of drinking and driving and of  P.’s birthday party in the ravine, I stop, I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.

Day 43: No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction character part 3

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as self-directive force here, in each moment of breath. Break the chains!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will L  and P. do without me?…  Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll quit tomorrow.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotion of guilt and self-pity and self-hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done?  How have I harmed my children?’, when it is a waste of time and knowing my children now see me sober, within first AA (alcoholics anonymous) and now within Desteni, a living, breathing, daily, amends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her -once again- how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’ and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this, the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt L. and I was supposed to be her protector.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of P. sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor P. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is slow (within the world systems of school/work) now. He sits in front of his computer for hours at a time. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  having a picture in my mind of P’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back, because I had blacked out, and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bringing up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love P.. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and L. taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. She asked what it was and I said something like ‘It is a special drink for adults. Don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt, shame, regret bringing up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’ Subsequently, I forgive myself for the following behavioral changes in my physical body as I type this:  the muscles in my mid back and chest tightened , my jaw tight and clenched and my breath becoming short and erratic.

Commitment statements to follow.

Day 39: Can You Overcome The Fear of DEATH ?

In this blog I will face my fear of death, write it out, the essential first step in overcoming ones fear!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the manifestation of fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto childhood memories as  and within me of one, seeing a dead bird and subsequently finding out that I can and will die and then lying in my bed thinking/contemplating this and being very sad/disappointed/angry/frightened/confused by this new concept that one day I will end and I have no control over this and two, not wanting to look at my grandfather in a casket and being frightened by this and my mother  telling me it was ok and taking me by the hand to look at him and thinking it was not ok , it was awful. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect pictures of the bird and my grandfather to death and the words:  bad, wrong, scarey, over, casket, end, heaven, hell, horrible, awful, stiff, dirty, squashed, fake, unnatural to fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘Oh god, I hope I don’t get cancer.’ In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to participate in the first thought as a picture of me lying a hospital bed, just skin and bones left of me near death, or in a doctors office sitting opposite the doctor who is telling me I am terminally ill with cancer. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship to death-AS FEAR- by simply adopting what I heard from others/saw in movies/read in books or magazines instead of  standing with self/living as me here, in oneness and equality as the breath of life, moment by moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lost in my own mind of moving pictures/imaginations of going for cancer treatment, being in a doctors office, lying on my death bed, telling my children I’m going to die, my funeral with a vase (my ashes)  and people there and sometimes me there as some ghost at the side seeing what is going on lol, being in a car crash, burning in a fire, drowning, being shot my terrorists or a gang INSTEAD of allowing myself to be here, with what is real in this moment, as an expression of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in the following backchat/inner chatter which is all controlled by/initiated by the fear existent within/as me: ‘No please god, I can’t die yet, there’s still so much to do in this life, I’m useful, don’t kill ME…I wonder how many people/who with be at my funeral?…  I’ve lost too many friends my funeral will be embarrassing… I can’t die, I never saw my beautiful earth, I can’t die before equal money is here…I’ll do anything to not die please god, I’m not ready, not yet…my kids have to do process! I can’t die! I have so much left undone…NO I won’t die, there is a way to stop/change this…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of extreme fear, specifically the emotions of: panic, sadness, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, disappointment-as in ‘my death is inevitable’ so powerlessness and then ANGER all stemming from thoughts of death, which is ridiculous as I am just here as life, breathing!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then have the following behavioral changes in my physical body brought on from engaging in the above emotions of fear of death: shoulders slouched forward, jaw tight and clenched, lower back pain – like in fear of death one’s ‘courage’ is ‘threatened’ hence the jaw clenching, shoulders indicating trying to protect self and lower back – fear energy taking one’s power away, pain in spine – spine the filing of one’s life – like, facing that moment of death is facing your entire life/self.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my very life, like I will no longer exist and being directed by fear and ego in thinking how terrible that is,  like that should not be allow for God’s sake! In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘I will lose my relationship with my children, how will they get along without me, I will being with them, laughing with them, hugging them , loving them…they need me damn it, that can’t happen! And I will miss my husband and physical intimacy. Shit, I totally fucked up this life, owe family members (and some ex-family members)  money, I never got to see so many places, do so many things, enjoy nature more, I don’t want to die, what will I face, nothing, what the hell is nothing anyway? Where will I be , where will I go, what will it be like? What is the point of life if you just end? I wish I could apologize to so many people I was rude to /inappropriate with/ignored/bullied/cut off communication with/ brushed aside/did not help when I could have/said the wrong thing/did the wrong thing. Fuck, I can’t go back, it’s too late when you die. It’s over. I was a screw up. What a dumb life.’

Commitment Statements To Follow.

Day 38: I Work Hard for My Money SO YOU CANT TAKE IT Commitment Statements

ARTWORK by Leon Perry

Please read Day 37 of this blog for context.

There is much fear around the idea, even mention of, an equal money system in this world, for myself and others. Today I will commit to stopping the fears of the mind, around living in an equal money world.

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever the thought arises that I do not want to give up all my possessions/money and walk with the rest of humanity in equality, as I now see/realize/understand I have been existing in/as fear, in separation from myself and everyone else, and I am in fact not separate from the rest of humanity,but one and equal as substance/the earth/the physical, as the air we all breathe in and out in each moment here.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, stop myself from being directed by/influenced by fear of loss around living within an equal money system, by being aware of the  first thought as in ; poverty, alone, picture of someone living on the street, as I now see realize understand I cannot effectively direct myself when I am lost in my mind of fear as energy.

I commit myself to stopping all such inner chatter/inner conversation in my mind-participating/following it /becoming possessed by it-around living within an equal money system, as I now see/realize/understand if I allow this, I am allowing the mind as thoughts to boss me around /control me and not me living as the directive principal/force in my life, and I am reduced to but an organic robot of little use to myself or anyone else in my world and cannot contribute in a meaningful/lasting/practical way  –doing things/fixing things/cleaning things/bettering things to build a world that is best for all. Lets get going, lets clean up earth!

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, be aware of and stop all such imaginings/images within my mind of homelessness and poverty and to connect this to the implementation of an equal money system as I now see/realize/understand equal money is the opposite of this, as it will relieve all of the  horrible existence  of poverty and I am separating myself form all of humanity/nature/animal kingdom when I am using my mind in self-interest and really saying/proclaiming, ‘Well, I have all I need, I absolutely do not want to suffer but it is ok if others do.’  This is no longer acceptable to me.

I commit myself to stop myself being directed by fear, which results in the energy experiences of anxiety/anger/self-pity and harms my human physical body as I now see/realize/understand to do so is useless, a waste of time, delusional and stems from a starting point of greed as I am just here, with breath, with all I need as life and I commit to bring myself out of my mind and back down to earth, to reality and focus on the task at hand, as whatever is before me in the physical.

I commit myself to stopping all thoughts that it will be too late for me, as I am too old and it will take too long to arrive, for me to enjoy an equal money world, as I now see/realize/understand these thoughts are in self-interest and whether that is true or not does not change the fact that equal money is the solution, for the start, of creating heaven on earth for all and there is nothing else I see as worthwhile to contribute to while I am alive on this planet.

I commit myself to, through breath awareness, stopping all behavioral changes in my physical body, brought about through my own created fear, of tightening of my jaw, shallow breathing, tightening of my chest muscles into my back, and neck, pressure in my head and stiffness/immobility/statue-like behavior when thinking about equal money, as I now see/realize/understand to refuse to participate  strengthens my stand in the decision of who I am and what I do by NOT allowing the mind to manipulate me with energy. In that, I commit to face the FEAR of giving up my secret want/need/desires of self-interest and to stand up/take responsibility to act as the directive force of me/my life and thus as/for what it best for all life.

I commit myself, as another, to stop ignoring the suffering of others through endless justifications of; I worked hard for my money,  as this is ridiculous as many poor people work their asses off each day, for many more than 8 hours, for pennies, or justifications of education, accusing others of laziness, blaming another for their decisions as if they had the same opportunities/starting point in life, blaming another for their decisions that led to addiction, prostitution, a life of crime, begging on the street, AND/OR suggesting one just needs to look after their own family only, excuses of equal money being communism, you can’t change human nature, needing luxuries because I worked hard for them/need them to define-express myself/I deserve them, poverty is just a fact of life that cannot be changed, its my business and I’m not harming anyone and many more, as I now see/realize/understand we are in fact one family here, one organism that is required to co-operate/co-exist if we are to survive as a species and it is all of humanities responsibility to care equally for all life on earth and not just some in specialness/selectively but in absoluteness as life together and no longer in/as separation through engaging in the mind.

In that , I commit myself to continue my DIP (Desteni I Process Course) so I may be in a position to support and assist others, to free themselves from the mind of self-interest and work toward establishing heaven on earth through, firstly establishing an equal platform and dignified life for all, though EQUAL MONEY.