Day 46: How Do I Face What I Have Done? Solution: Commitment Statements part 6

Now that one has got a new starting point/foundation as one has applied self-forgiveness, how do you practically walk/apply this, day to day?  Through the writing and living of commitment statements:

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I have a memory arise within me of when L. would ask what I was drinking, or why I smelt funny, and breathe and not follow these memories further but to stand and gain self-awareness back here in the physical -to what is real and current before me- as I now see /realize/understand it is not by engaging in memories and then emotions and behaviors that things are righted, as I only go into an energetic reaction of guilt that harms me, but it is by directing myself here, and speaking self-honestly in the moment to my daughter that is effective. I realize I have spoken to her several times during my sobriety and made amends and more importantly,  make a daily living amends by being sober and available anytime to/for her.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I allow myself to get to the point of playing out a scene/memory of when I used to hang out at bars and have superficial encounters with men, be elated while getting ready to go out, treat the men I met in bars as ‘insignificant’ without the starting point of one and equal,  as I now see/realize/understand to continue/follow these memories further will only lead me into the emotions of guilt/blame/regret which is a waste of time/does not change the past is a total replay of a replay of a replay …… as such is useless, as this only uses energy from the emotions to transform substance/physicality into further mind energy which only serves to harm the physical body as it gets slowly eaten away. I realize I was not capable at the time to treat these men with the respect they deserve as life, one and equal to me, and I do not allow myself to participate in such behavior now.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and focus back on physical reality each time I have a memory arise about when I used to drink and then call my parents or others. I commit myself to not engage participate in the emotions that subsequently arise of guilt and shame as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible human being/daughter but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application, to stop myself by being aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret/humiliation of the past when a memory/thought /picture arises,  in my mind, of the time when a relative bought gifts for my children at christmas and I had none for her children.  I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.  Furthermore, I see/realize/understand christmas is bullshit/meaningless and, until we create a world that is best for all in equality, I do not participate in christmas (I will in small way so as to not upset/be a rebel in my family, whom I respect) and I know this person and I are one and equal, in fact, and money does not define us, as money will one day disappear and there will be nothing left but the being to face herself (both me and her-not suggesting I have not been guilty of consumerism, I have).

Day 37: I work hard for my money SO YOU CAN’T TAKE IT

There is much fear around the idea, even mention of, an equal money system in this world, for myself and others. Today I will look at these fears and face them to break it down to the reality of what I am in and out and not just illusion/delusion of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I don’t want to give up all my money, my possessions for the implementation of an equal money system.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and thus engage in inner chatter/internal conversation thinking the following thought pattern, ‘I’ll be poor, helpless, screw that, I”m going to protect myself, I’m not going hungry, cold, without a home. I want to help others but I learned that lesson already, being ‘nice’ and then taken advantage of and I’m afraid this equal money idea won’t work and I’ll be left alone and once again stupid in trusting others and not myself.’

Furthermore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat/internal conversation that is suspicious and vicious in nature, ‘They will lie to me, they don’t care about me, others won’t give up there money and especially the ones who have a lot so why should I? Everything will break down so there will be no internet/communication  and I’ll be isolated and helpless and no on will  take care of me so I better protect myself,  I’ve suffered enough, I’ve tried to be a good person, let the others give their money, I don’t have enough.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have images and imaginations in my mind of me being homeless, on the street at night, cold, desolate, unsafe, vulnerable if I agree to an equal money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to going into an energetic reaction self-pity, anger, anxiety, all building into fear, fear of loss of my money and possessions and of the hope that one day I’ll ‘make it’ suddenly become rich, filthy rich, through a lottery win/marriage/inheritance, so fear of losing that chance no matter how slim it is , if I agree to give up my money for the good of all in equality. In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate/connect this to memories of past financial loss and to memories of a time in my life wrought with jealously/wanting/desiring more of the goodies/spoils I feel I have ‘missed out on’ in this life; the freedom financial wealth brings to ones life to purchase luxury items such as; clothes, jewelery, decorate your home, own a cottage on a lake, take vacations abroad, buy a $400 purse, those cool new shoes all the other girls are wearing, gifts for my children, eat out and spend what I fancy, the luxury of not having to check what the price tag says, indulge in expensive hobbies like songwriting and recording, owing a boat/sea-doo, bike trips to Europe, buy the latest fashions each season, drive a sports car. All this in absolute self-interest, not caring a whit about my responsibility to/as the rest of humanity/nature/the animal kingdom but lost in a bubble of self-delusion and greed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘By the time equal money is stabilized I’ll be old and die and won’t get to enjoy it anyway, it’ll be too late for me and once again I am left out of the fun’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the following behavioral changes in my physical body of:  tightening of my jaw, shallow breathing, tightening of my chest muscles into my back, and neck, pressure in my head when I think about giving up my money for the good of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subject myself to the consequences of becoming so stiff with fear that I am like a statute;  unmoving, petrified and I do nothing, can do nothing because I have entered a timeloop of ‘being stuck’ so cannot flow/move/and thus be part of a change/growth as one and equal with all of humanity/the animal kingdom/nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself , as another, to think, ‘I deserve everything I have, I worked hard, went to school, others have not, that is their own fault and their responsibility , not mine, I take care of myself and my family, it’s impossible to change human nature, equal money is communism and history has proven it does not work.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as another, think, ‘ No one is going to tell me I can’t have my boat and trips to the coast each year and give my children the best I can, I grew up poor and worked my ass off to be able to afford these luxuries.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as another think, ‘I’m not giving up my individuality. My style as in clothing/fashion, hair, make-up, interior decorating, the shops I like, the restaurant I like MY LIFESTYLE defines who I am and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise. It is no ones business how I live/what I do. I’m not harming anyone so leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone. Poverty has always been part of human existence and nothing can change that.’

Commitment Statements to Follow

Day 36: Desteni Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the Desteni character. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by/controlled by fear in thinking process will eliminate my fear of death and postpone my physical death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to,  as the Desteni character, think it is ok I do not have much money to travel-see beautiful earth- see my children much, buy things for my children as I will live longer and have the time to do this later. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the Desteni Character, think I have more time here on earth.

In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the Desteni character think I will be vindicated/revenge will be mine as I watch all the ‘mean’ rich people I have known in my life wrinkle up and die while I will not, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as wrong and me as right, in polarity, and live in my head of illusion and fantasy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as  Desteni Sub Characters, become ‘the savior’ and then if my message is not accepted ‘the rebel’, thinking I need to persuade family/friends that Desteni has the answer they have been searching for and equal money is, in fact, the answer to humanities miseries. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the Desteni Character, then think ‘they are just organic robots, as I was not long ago and I should not feel frustrated as they dont’ understand/can’t comprehend as they are mere mortals afterall’, in superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to particpate in backchat as the Desteni character that says ‘you’ve found your answer, no more searching, you found home‘ and then in polarity, ‘I am/will be criticized by Desteni as I do not ‘do enough’/I don’t have time to do enough/ they don’t like me/I wish I did not need them/groups never work out for me so why would this one…’all from the starting point of fear, fear of criticism/rejection which stems from my childhood , which I will be facing specifically in another blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on certain aspects of process more than others and to think certain things are more difficult and so give myself an out, instead of remaining with the physcial before me and moving/doing a task with breath, go into the desteni character who is incompetent/slow/used to postponing/pausing to think/lying in bed contemplating THINKING  about how difficult process is/how much I have to do INSTEAD OF DOING IT.

I commit myself to breath awareness and so to breathe through revenge fantasies of living longer than others, as they arise as I now see/realize/understand this is illusion and based in total self interest and process is about assisting and supporting others as much as myself as creating world in which I/one would want to remain for eternity, out of the ego of the mind of self-interest, and down to earth as equality .

I commit myself to face my fears of age and death within my daily application/process, by using the tools of self-forgiveness and writing, and focus on being HERE in physicality and moving myself for real as I now see /realize/understand following these habitual thought patterns is only harmful and takes me away from my day and the task at hand and in no way serves the moment for myself or others but steals an opportunity to experience life here, instead of living as memories/an organic robot.

I commit myself to breath awareness so as to be aware of the backchat/thought patterns of fear of criticism, when it comes up, as a sub character of the Desteni character, as I now see realize/understand to engage/relate to such thoughts will only repeat the past and to run away/leave participation will result in massive timeloop in process and is repeating the past and not directing myself here.

I commit myself to stop myself when I see I am becoming the desteni character who believes she is slow/cannot do certain tasks/assignments/incompetent and so not focus on areas of process in equality, as I now see/realize/understand it is the mind that is directing me/stopping me, as in memories of past experience telling me that certain things are easy and other hard and to stay away/be afraid, and so I remain in limitation.

I commit to stop all such inner conversation /backchat which is of positive nature, in self-interest to make me feel ‘good/whole/life was worth it’ give me a reason to carry on, as cause, instead of feeling like a failure/life did not work out/I lost the game of life–in polarity, as I now see/realize/understand all such thought patterns -the old negative and the new positive desteni character -lead to a similar place as in if I am lost in my mind of illusion, I am not changing, I am not directing myself and I am not able to effectively support and assist others in their process, if I am the thinker, I am not the doer.

I commit to stopping myself in having/participation in an opinion about the response of others to the Desteni message, by only engaging if someone asks and is sincerely interested in self-corrective action and the equal money system. In that , I commit to stopping myself to think in polarities, engage in polarity thing of right/wrong, superior/inferior and to focus on my process here in the physical and the task at hand. Support and assist self first and then eventually others.

Day 35: Some Realizations:Comittment Statements

I commit myself to, through writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to stop myself when I see I am becoming the manifestation of WORRY as I now see/realize/understand I must remain here, in physical reality, in order to become an effective participant in this world and not lost in the illusion of thought, in order to MOVE to create -for real- what it is I am wasting time worrying about.

I commit myself to be aware of this anxiety ridden/worry character, and to eradicate it from existence, as it pops up in my mind, as the first word/picture. In that,  I commit myself to be aware of and stop all inner chatter (talking inside ones head) this character brings up as I now see/realize/understand I must  walk through the fear of actual work to be faced/steps to be walked in physical real time, which is breath by breath and worrying does nothing but make me postpone and feel physically drained/tired and achy.

In that, I commit myself to stay fully aware of each moment with/as the breath of life and so to STOP myself,  saying stop out loud (or if I am in a public place I whisper quietly)  when/as thoughts of worry/stress/anxiety arise, as I now see realize/understand I am physical and I am living in a physical reality, earth, and I am unable to effectively direct myself when I am pre-occupied in my mind with thoughts/pictures/memories/reactions/emotions/opinions. I realize I am also unable to truly hear/be there for the person I am engaging with, if I am in my own mind of illusion and not here with them. And so I commit to using breath, as in breathe through the thoughts/backchat, and not allowing myself to become possessed by them and take me away from my point that I am currently facing in my day, that is before me in the physical.

I commit myself to trusting breath, moment to moment and no longer trusting my thoughts, as if they are me here and so directing me in full awareness, as I now see /realize/understand it has never been me directing myself but various personalities-robotic responses all based on the past as experiences- I have made up/chained myself into being from one moment to the next- one thought as another link added on- at a time, throughout my life. Living from the starting point of /as fear, fear of loss, a life based on survival of the fittest, competition, greed and jealousy, wanting to be effective and making a difference in the world but chained, by my agreed participation in/with the mind, to the past, as me.

In that , I commit myself to be aware of and stop all thoughts of fear as they arise, and to say NO , NOT PARTICIPATING, when fear then insists I join in/follow along with the massive spewing of memories/emotions/pictures/imaginations-changing the endings of memories-revenge/painful physical reactions as my muscles tighten as I now see/realize/understand to refuse to participate in these emotions & physical reactions strengthens my stand in the decision of who I am and what I do by NOT allowing the mind to manipulate me with energy, and thus using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness I assist and support myself with energy layer releases each time I remain here and say no to the mind.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of principled living, to stop myself whenever I become aware of  the negative inner conversation/backchat I participate in, telling me I am less competent than others/cannot contribute to another beings process as well as others/I should run away/give up/back off/stay in the sidelines/shadows because to try will result in rejection and failure as I now see/realize/understand it is perfectly acceptable to participate and to fall and get back up over and over as I learn/grow/expand..get to know who I am as life-as I am in the process of birthing myself as life in the physical and it is indeed a process-and the only failure would be to NOT participate/contribute to my own growth and any other beings I am able to assist/support.