Day 99: No, I’m not Always Late…my husband pisses me off!

February 27, 2013February 28, 2013 | sandymacjones

In this series of blogs I am facing myself as anger and looking at instances where I was overcome/possessed by the emotion of anger.Please read the previous blog Day 98 for context, in which I describe the situation and then examine it referring to Problem/Solution/Reward. Here is an excerpt from part of that blog.

The Problem – Reacting to Another’s Reaction

The problem is NOT my husband’s reaction to my leaving later than I had originally told him, the problem, as my responsibility to what is existent within me, is MY reaction to his reaction. Basically, I do not control another but do/can control myself and so this is my responsibility to examine and change to what is best for all-in the micro as our family unit- AND in the macro (as everything ‘spills’ out into the world, as we are one of many who participate/interact/affect others) which is the world at large.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anger and as anger think, ‘How dare he judge me for leaving late, what a jerk!’ In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert the attention away from my own reaction of anger and instead blame him.

When and as I see myself going into the reaction of anger, I commit to assist and support myself, to stop and breathe and bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand I am not solving the issue or the tension between us but ‘fueling the fire’ or postponing it to a future ‘eruption’ as it builds/festers inside of me. I commit to being self-honest in such moments to tell him how I am experiencing myself and building trust between us by speaking calmly, realizing it is a small issue and I do not need to fear it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge/engage in my imagination, (often I ‘fire’ back angry statements but in this case I remained silent-just said there was no specific time I was to arrive so I wasn’t really late-but I was seething inside!) with moving scenes/movies playing out in my mind of me telling him off and ‘winning’ ‘getting the better of him’, saying things like, ‘you’re just like my dad was angry at my mom, I’m much better now so i”m not ‘always late’, you are not considering all the other things I had to do today, what do you do of importance-I am trying to do something of significance in the world and this is small and doesn’t matter’. Also images/memories of my dad being angry at my mom when they were ready to leave and she was running around last minute, in the home I grew up in, memories of being fearful of his voice, harsh and sharp and me being very frightened by this.

I commit myself to slow myself down in these situations, when I feel threatened/attacked, and use my breath to remain here and out of my mind of imagination, putting myself forward or putting myself back in time with memories, as I now see/realize/understand my reaction (my husband did not actually say anything, it was a look he gave me) is due to build up suppression -a storage of energy inside of me-of anger, of anger toward my father for being angry at my mom and/or us kids, in similar situations and angry at him for being so frightening, for making a ‘mountain out of a mole hill’ as I always wondered why make such a huge issue/fuss over it that hurts our feelings and ruins the family outing-or a puts a huge strain on it and hurts/puts strain on the family unit as a whole so there is a level of uncomfortability/lack of trust/unease and just plain fear? Why is he such a bully? Why does he have to be the boss, clearly he is not a benevolent dictator? So I had alot of confusion/unanswered questions that were not safe to bring up/there was no discussion when problems arose So…I pushed it all down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following backchat: ‘no, I’m not always late, I’m hardly ever late now, that’s not true and it pisses me off you suggesting that my your mean look, I dislike him so much right now. I don’t need his crap. I’ll move out, no I’ll tell him to move out. I’ll figure it out. I don’t need him. I dislike men. My dad was a jerk too.’

When and as I see myself beginning to talk /gossip/complain about another inside my own head, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down enough to walk my own process and stop attempting to blame another to make me feel better in that moment.as I now see/realize/understand I am actually manipulating myself because I am uncomfortable with the emotions I am experiencing and do not want to ‘sit’ with them/look at them, so I talk myself out of the uncomfortable position and into a new position of victor/superiority-like I’m so strong and independent, I’ll be fine on my own, and I escape/run away from realily by fantasizing about ending the relationship – thereby getting the reward of the positive energy experience of winner/powerful victor. This is done in complete self-interest and does not resolve the issue of anger and blame but avoids it completely. And so I commit to slow myself down, look/examine what I am experience and walk my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in the following emotions, around this issue: fear, anger, disappointment, spite, dislike, superiority, worry, guilt, resent and blame, judgement of another and judgement of self.

I also realize/see a pattern that I have programmed into and as myself/accepted as myself, from my reaction of anger toward my father, when my mom was rushing around to leave somewhere and he was angry at her for being late of : reaction of anger–> I suppress the anger and become introverted–>the anger becomes disappointment –>I am the silent one=shy one as a child = quiet and afraid–>this energy is stored in the physical body –> weighs me down mentally and physically–> accumulates causing/building into depression/apathy–>results in difficulty being motivated in life!

SO…I postpone, go inside my head/mind (introvert) instead of being self-directive and moving in the physical to get things done (for example, I feel tired and give myself an excuse to have a nap or do little chores, that could be done later, after my daily commitments are complete) and I use self-manipulation to tell myself the daily commitments are ‘hard’ so do not want to face them, therefore, instead of being aware of the time and giving myself a realistic amount of time to complete tasks/gather what I need to leave the house for the day to visit my mom, I avoid this simple procedure and THEREFORE I FIND MYSELF ONCE AGAIN RUSHING TO LEAVE ON TIME.

Note: This pattern and my relationship to/with my father (or lack of relationship) is significant in how mental illness and subsequently alcoholism manifested in my life as : anger/fear–>suppression–>introversion (the shy/silent one)–>obsession of men–> isolation (just me and my mind, lol)–>hearing voices–> not telling anyone–> self medicating with alcohol . This will be examined in more detail in blogs to come.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so lost in my own mind/thought patterns that I experience physical discomfort/bodily changes/reactions of increased heart rate, tension/unease in my solar plexes, stiffening of the muscles in my face and shoulders and neck, shallow breathing.

I commit myself to the process of stopping all such physical reactions from manifesting by bringing my awareness back to the physical with breath and reminding myself I am a physical being and staying out of my mind of thought patterns, with regard to being angry and blaming another when I am late or when I suppress a reaction in such instances , as I now see/realize/understand how living in the past and/or suppressing a reaction harms my physicality and my interaction with people I love/respect and feeds upon itself, so I eventually become totally possessed with rage and am not able to discern reality from fantasy and I then become more and more extreme within my communication. In that, I then face the consequence of having to backtrack and take responsibility for my response and apologize for harming another.

Heal Yourself

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 98: My husband pisses me off! Facing myself as Anger…AGAIN

February 24, 2013February 25, 2013 | sandymacjones

I am continuing examining myself as the Anger Character–one and equal to what I have accepted and allowed within myself, my living, my words-vocabulary AS ME and thus has become part of my very physicality existent in the flesh of the body as ‘memory chips’/pictures all stored/organized/catagorized and embedded in the flesh, ready to be access over and over again, unless I re-write the program and remove this from within and as me . I considered these points to be ‘little’ ‘too small‘ perhaps for an entire blog focus. But what is life but all the small moment to moment encounter, exchanges, tasks? No, the reaction of anger in this instance was quite profound and I must face myself here.

The Situation

I don’t like to admit this but I have been one of those people who are late. Although I have improved substantially over the last few years, I often find myself rushing around, forgetting this or that and looking incompetent in front of family members. This has frustrated my partner/husband in the past. I would say, it only happens one out of every 4 times now when I am leaving to go somewhere.

Last weekend I was going to visit my mom in the hospital (it is a day and evening trip due to distance) and I left ‘late’ BUT not late in fact as there was no time I was required to arrive, it was just a time schedule I had given myself and I had told my husband (as we share the car) so he could use the car before I left, if required.

It was the look he gave me when he saw the time I as leaving that was the trigger point for my reaction of anger, he just kind of shook his head like he knows me so well, like ‘typical’ of her, kind of distain/dislike/scoffing/laughing. It was a definite ‘DIS’ anyway.

The Problem – Reacting to Another’s Reaction

The problem is NOT my husband’s reaction to my leaving later than I had originally told him, the problem, as my responsibility to what is existent within myself, is MY reaction to his reaction.

Basically, I do not control another but do/can control myself and so this is my responsibility to examine and change to what is best for all-in the micro as our family unit and myself AND in the macro (as everything ‘spills’ out into the world, as we are one of many who participate/interact/affect others) which is the world at large.

So, as I accept and act upon this anger I alienate my husband , as in I create a wall of resistance between us to communicate further-to resolve the issue- where responding calmly would create an atmosphere of safety, I feed into the energy and fire back another remark and thus set in motion the ‘fight’ the ‘war’ between the two of us of reaction-defence-attack–defence…, I ‘assume’ instead of investigate by sharing what I am experiencing in the moment, thereby trusting my mind of thought/feeling/emotion –based on the past as memories- instead of trusting me here in this moment one and equal to it, and so I separate myself from my partner/husband and see him as the ‘enemy’ and thus I must defend myself for my survival at all cost!

The Solution

I must go to the source/cause of this reaction, to the ‘Why’ of it for a sustainable solution.

SLOW DOWN

Slow down, in fact STOP, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, several deep breaths in and out and commit to not THINKING but to staying present. Give it a little time, just listen for a moment-often when you stop reacting the other doe as well , if necessary tell the other, ‘I’m going to get back to you on this’, or just breathe and know you will face the reaction later, also one can physically leave the space/room for a break to assist in calming down.

LOOK

So, why did his reaction bug me soooo much? Because overall, he is correct/right. That is why I am working on changing my habit/pattern of lateness-aligning it into what is best for all- which is to do my utmost to plan my day better so I do not have to rush, be late, disrespect another’s time.

I remember my father being upset with my mom exactly the same way, to be fair, I do think a woman, especially when she is the mother of young children, looks after most of the small details in family life and so is the one running around looking like an idiot trying to remember to bring every little thing that needs attending to. However, this then requires communication with ones partner to fairly divide household chores (and children when age appropriate) and to use breath to stabilize oneself and speak in awareness and calmness-reaction never supports a situation.

What do I get out of reacting to his reaction?

I felt so insulted , like to the core of me , like he had said by his ‘look’ , ‘typical woman-girl , you can’t even get THIS one small thing right, you are stupid and inconsequential, you are just/merely ‘in the way’, you are not important’. I felt insulted so needed to defend myself from the attack to make myself feel worthy again, like ‘You are wrong and mean and this is not important, it does not define who I am or my worth as a person, you/men made me feel all weak and confused and fucked up in the first place to that is why I get flustered with time commitments and feeling overwhelmed with little things/decisions because I am not confident in my decision making abilities—so postpone getting reading to go out—so then I am late!’ I see that it was my father and not ALL men, as one of my main ‘role models’ in childhood, who instilled this sense of low self-worth.

I see lots of blame there and will examine/de-construct this thinking pattern of blame further in the next post. Continuing…

And so, my reacting back gives me the perception that I am gaining back my power/worth/defending my right to my existence by blaming him I make him the wrong/bad one and me the little, innocent victim I feel good/whole again. Interestingly, I base all of my thinking/reasoning on the past as the starting point, memories from childhood-within the first 7 years, as to why I felt it was required to defend myself/anything at all, in the first place! In fact, we were just standing on our walk-way, 2 equal adults, and could have simply talked/shared how we were experiencing ourselves in the moment, self-honestly.

Again, I replace the negative energy experience of anger/less than/fear with a positive energy experience of vindicated/victor so I am comfortable once again because I feel ‘good’ and it is my preference and I don’t really care, in self-interest, how the other feels/what they are experiencing, just so long as my counter-attack/reaction is justified in my own mind, doesn’t matter who else suffers-all bets are off-this is war, I must win!

However, often I can then go into guilt having blamed/judged my husband. So….lot’s lots of energy back and forth round and round. Exhausting!

STOP PARTICIPATION

When/as this anger as reaction rears it’s ugly head again/comes up, I am ready, meaning, I am aware of what I am experiencing internally –as I am in the process of staying here with breath- so I say ‘stop, NO , not participating‘ ( out loud or in your mind if you are with others) and continue to use my breath to stabilize myself. Then, do not engage in inner conversation or self-judgment but commit to investigate what happened when you have time and in so doing-you are not suppressing the reaction of anger but taking proper responsibility to direct it/clear from within you.

The Rewards

*Each time you stop participating in a reaction of anger, you are one step closer to your own freedom! Freedom from the mind as energy and freedom from the past as memories, which means you have a whole new life-you are life-born in innocence in each moment here!

*You won’t be dragging around the heaviness of guilt and self-judgement that is a consequence of speaking out in haste when you react in/with anger.

*You will be more healthy, mentally and physically. You will have less tiredness, more hours in your day to enjoy!

*You won’t need to blame others, vilify others, to make yourself feel better/ok/good.

*You’ll be standing as an example for others, as a source of stability and true strength, and thus you will be in a position to support and assist your fellow man.

*You will have more stable relationships.

*You will create a true empowerment/strength within yourself which will grow over time, as it builds upon itself, a strength that does not need to win/be better than another but has humility with no ulterior agenda/motive based on self-interest.

*You will stand as an example for your children and create a safe/open/respectful/truly loving family/home environment.

To continue with Self-Forgiveness and Corrective Application Statements in next post

Heal Yourself

Day 97: Stop Acting Like a 5 Year Old! Solution to Anger

February 22, 2013February 23, 2013 | sandymacjones

Please refer to Day 96 for context to this blog. I am continuing to de-constuct 2 extreme reactions/statements of anger here in this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anger and as anger to lash out, in spite at others, ‘I’m never doing the grocery shopping with you again’ AND ‘I don’t want to have family dinners/dinner with you guys anymore’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in unawareness and not slow myself down THE MOMENT I feel a movement inside of my beingness, which was also fear in these cases, going back to childhood, of experiencing horrible family dinners, in which my father dominated/intimidated the children at mealtimes AND in the grocery store, fear of rejection/not being valued when someone insinuates I am incompetent (or I interpret a situation this way/I ass-u-me), so I connected memories of my father to my husband’s actions at the grocery store.

When and as I see myself as going into the reaction of anger, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down enough to walk my own process and stop attempting to blame others to make me feel better in that moment/because for a moment it takes the emphasis off of me. I commit myself to examine the ‘why’ of these extreme statements -in each case and not allow myself to be controlled by an emotion based on past experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in my imagination with pictures of me moving into my own apartment and of the past dinners with my father, him at the head of the table, a large, looming figure and me just hoping to be overlooked as a target this mealtime, to escape without harm like in a war zone. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following backchat/inner conversation with these 2 anger statements: screw him, I can get my own apartment and make it my castle, I have enough money, what’s his problem, he thinks I’m stupid, he didn’t even ask me before he reacted, F. it I don’t need this AND I hate this fighting at dinner, I can’t talk to them, I shouldn’t say anything, just like when I was young I have to stay silent and suppress myself still because they can’t handle a new idea, I won’t have dinners if we can’t all get along, I refuse, screw it.’

When and as I see myself beginning to see moving pictures inside my mind or to talk /gossip/complain about others inside my own head, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down enough to walk my own process and stop attempting to escape/run away/blame others to make me feel better in that moment. as I now see/realize/understand I am actually manipulating myself because I am uncomfortable with the emotions I am experiencing and do not want to ‘sit’ with them/look at them, so I talk myself out of the uncomfortable position and into a new position of victor/superior one through blaming the other- going from negative energy experience to positive energy experience -thereby getting the reward of feeling ‘good’ like the winner/powerful victor at the expense/consequence of making others less than/at fault for ruining the dinner time for all. This is done in complete self-interest and does not resolve the issue of anger and blame but avoids it completely. And so I commit to slow myself down, look at/examine what I am experiencing and walk my process.

I also realize that my extreme reaction-so definitive in nature and absolute- is a build-up of suppressed emotions/reactions from childhood, as I was not allowed to acknowledge or express/share my feelings/emotions as my father threatened punishment for a show of emotion, and I did witness his anger if my siblings cried or ‘spoke back’. (I have a few memories of when my sister cried and he would make fun of her/humiliate her and she would run to her room AND of when one of my brothers was vocal back at my dad and then ran to the bathroom and locked the door and my dad broke the door down. Nothing much happened after that but it was very frightening to hear/witness). So there was MUCH suppressed fear but also anger, as I knew his reactions were not proper, we did not deserve to be treated this way but I was, in fact, helpless to change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in the emotions, around these statements, of: fear, anger, spite, dislike, superiority, worry, guilt, resent and blame, judgement of another and judgement of self.

I commit myself to assist and support myself when/as I see myself falling into such emotions I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to my physical body and slow down as I now see/realize/understand I am reacting from/as the past as memories, from childhood, where I suppressed such emotions so they have accumulated into a RAGE and DESIRE FOR REVENGE for the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness of a little child who was trapped. I remind myself I am no longer a small child but an adult who can control herself and act responsibly. I realize my husband did not know I had not yet looked for a certain item and he was trying to be expedient and helpful by going to get it as we were at the checkout, so simply communicate calmly/investigate why another is acting a certain way, I also realize I am not in danger now/under no real threat and if my husband feels a certain way he can tell me otherwise I can just leave it, or ask him at a later time what he is experiencing and share what I am experiencing about an issue.

I also realize I can stop myself from engaging in self-judgement at the dinner table-through fear that I have created the same unpleasant atmosphere at dinner time for my family that I experienced as a child- and STOP expecting my family to accept the principals of equal money but to stand as a living example-put a guard over my mouth– and simply walk my process and let them explore/verbalize ideas freely at dinnertime/engage in debate without always ‘telling them a better way’ through a system of equality. I understand they are in their own processes and not immerced in the Desteni material as I am.

I commit myself to the process of stopping all such physical reactions from manifesting by bringing my awareness back to the physical with breath and reminding myself I am a physical being and staying out of my mind of thought patterns, with regard to these extreme reactions/statements, as I now see/realize/understand how living in the past harms my physicality and my interaction with people I love/respect and feeds upon itself, so I become totally possessed with rage and am not able to discern reality from fantasy and I then become more and more extreme within my communication. In that, I then face the consequence of having to backtrack and take responsibility for my response and apologize for harming another.

Heal Yourself

Day 96: Anger: Reacting with Extreme Statements: Why Do I Act Like a 5 Year Old?

February 20, 2013February 21, 2013 | sandymacjones

Why do I still blurt out over-the -top /extreme statements? As I look after very young children, I have to admit comparing myself to a 5 year old in these situations is an insult to many 5 year olds! Although it is rare that I use the word ‘Never’, in the last few days there were 2 REACTIONS of anger, in which I made the following statements -in spite/to lash out ‘hurt’ harm the other- ‘I don’t want to do the shopping with you anymore!’ and ‘I don’t want to have family dinners with you guys anymore!’. Do I mean these things? Well, at the time I do but it does not last long, once the ENERGY subsides/I calm down, after a few minutes to a half hour, I realize I do not mean those statements at all, it is not what I want for myself or the other. So…why do I do it? What is going on? I will examine this here.

PROBLEM Anger: Extreme Reactions

The problem is I am not being self-honest with myself or the other in these cases. I feel an energy rise up from within me and I react-go along/participate in that energy instead of placing a guard in front of my mouth-using self-discipline-I cave/give into the temptation of a ‘quick fix’ , like a baby, WHAAAA… I don’t feel good because of what you just said to me so I’m going to get revenge on you because it will change the energy I am feeling, from negative to positive, and I will feel ‘good’ again because I am better than you. I CAN hurt you SO I WILL. I do not want to wait, I want to do it now! This will convince me I am right to blame you for how I am feeling and so justify my attack/counter-attack. And the problem with that is it can result in damaged/destroyed relationships, which are important to me and the other. In that, often I find myself having to ‘backtrack’ in embarrassment and apologize for being rude/harsh/hurtful.

SOLUTION

Each of these solutions leads to the next, builds upon the other.

1. The first solution to this problem is to SLOW DOWN. If I can slow down, in fact STOP, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, several deep breaths in and out and commit to not THINKING but to staying present. Give it a little time, as in just listen (if someone else is present), tell them ‘I’m going to get back to you on this’, if I am too upset or just breathe and know you will face the reaction later, also one can physically leave the space/room for a break to assist in calming down (excuse yourself if you are with others).

2. Once I have slowed myself down, the second solution is to LOOK at the situation calmly: In both these situations, I initially felt anger arise inside of me because I felt insulted/threatened like someone was attacking me and so I need to defend myself. With the LOOKING, one can examine/ask myself WHY am I feeling angry? SO TO GO TO THE ROOT/SOURCE/CAUSE OF WHY YOU ARE TAKING THE MIND PERSONALLY? What do I not want to give up/is there something I am deriving from it/how is it serving my ego/self interest/how does it empower me/do I want revenge on someone?

‘I don’t want to do the shopping with you anymore!’ and ‘I don’t want to have family dinners with you guys anymore!’

I know I learned this behavior from childhood, in the first 7 years of life, mainly from my parents/home environment, in which I recall my mother would, in one moment be the ‘nice’ mom and then very quickly become the ‘mean’ mom in her reaction to when we upset her for some reason and I had fear and confusion over this but it was not too extreme or often. It was mostly from my father, I have learned this ‘coping mechanism’. My father reacted with anger often and I was a very fearful child, not knowing when this big presence in the home would explode or just speak out harshly, hurtful words at me, but mostly towards my siblings. Because I was just a small child, I had no power, no say/voice and it was made clear, by him we (my brothers, sister, I , my mom) were not to ‘talk back’, there was no discussion encouraged, he was the one and only authority and we were to comply. So, I did not have an example of the adults in my life showing me/teaching me how to handle conflict situations in a logical and calm manner. I do not have any memories of us as a family (or very few compared to the number of reactive situations) sitting down quietly and addressing a problem/point of concern/disagreement.

Therefore, I SUPPRESSED my reaction (unconsciously/automatically in an instant) as a matter of survival and I hid/went to my room for safety/stayed SILENT to protect myself from my father, in fear of punishment and my desire for safety.

Thus, my extreme reaction is a response and release to/of all the years of built up suppression as and within me! So, if I declare I will not participate in the activity anymore, be it shopping or having dinner together, I do not have to face myself as my reaction, it is an instantaneous fix and I can supposedly wash my hands of this problem forever, so there! However, this is not the case as it has not been addressed so still exists within me and it just creates a timeloop and I am left facing this kind of reaction over and over again.

3. The third solution is to STOP PARTICIPATION in this reaction the next time it comes up, meaning be aware of what you are experiencing and even say ‘stop, NO , not participating‘ ( out loud or in your mind if you are with others) and use your breath to stabilize yourself. Then, do not engage in inner conversation or self-judgment but commit to investigate what happened when you have time and in so doing-you are not suppressing the reaction of anger but taking proper responsibility to direct it/clear from within you.

REWARDS

*Improved communication between you and others in your living environment

*Creates a safe environment for discussion, when/as issues arise within your home, for yourself and others

*You stand as a living example, for your children, in relation to conflict management/solution and not just living in the past as passing on ‘the sins of the father’ one generation to the next

*You create a ‘snowball’ effect of building trust in the home and this will improve your overall relationship with your children/partner/others so they will be more likely to come to you in times of difficulty in their life, share the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’

*Improved mental and physical health, as you are no longer creating situations of high stress

Day 95: Eliminating Anger, One Reaction at a Time

February 18, 2013February 20, 2013 | sandymacjones

Please read Day 94, the previous blog for context to this post. I will include the situation here and the thought I am re-constucting:

ANGER: THE SITUATION I had a strong reaction of anger to an e-mail I received in which the sender said some things about me -which were true but I thought harsh– as I had intended a message I had written to be perceived differently than the way it was, which was taken literally versus as an ‘ideal’. However, I understand, how a communication-that I have written-is perceived is largely my responsibility , especially in the context of this particular one because I cannot assume (ass-u-me) that the reader will understand what I write as a ‘ideal’ or whatever–but that they will take what I write literally (in most cases-of course there are humorous writings) UNLESS I SPECIFY OTHERWISE. So this is common sense and my anger was a reaction to protect myself and mend my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anger and blame and AS anger and blame think, ‘Who does he think he is, saying I am this and that? It’s not my fault if he exaggerates and doesn’t get what I was saying!’ In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and self-doubt that perhaps this person is right so then jump into deflecting this fear by using blame and focusing on the other and NOT facing myself.

When and as I see myself as desiring to blame another because for a moment it takes the emphasis off of me and my own process ,so within this I see/realise and understand that I am seeking to gain a sense of power/superiority from blaming another. I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down enough to walk my own process and stop attempting to blame others to make me feel better in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in backchat/inner conversation of a vicious and blaming nature so as to make myself feel better that I am right and do not have to change of some of the following : he thinks he’s so smart/superior/better than me, screw him/them, well I may as well give up/I try so hard-give so much and this is what I get in return, F it, obviously that is not what I meant, it was in general, what is he stupid?

When and as I see myself beginning to talk /gossip/complain about others inside my own head, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down enough to walk my own process and stop attempting to blame others to make me feel better in that moment.as I now see/realize/understand I am actually manipulating myself because I am uncomfortable with the emotions I am experiencing and do not want to ‘sit’ with them/look at them, so I talk myself out of the uncomfortable position and into a new position of victor/superiority inside my own head- thereby getting the reward of the positive energy experience of winner/powerful victor. This is done in complete self-interest and does not resolve the issue of anger and blame but avoids it completely. And so I commit to slow myself down, look/examine what I am experience and walk my process.

Heal Yourself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into /indulge in first the negative energy reactions of emotions of : anger/blame/inferiority/fear/less than/not good enough/self-doubt, self-judgement/hate/resent and then polarize myself, head on into the positive energy experience using the following feelings: superiority through being right and also wisdom based on age/better than/powerful. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the physical consequences of muscle stiffness and ache in my neck and shoulders, tightness in my jaw which leads to a slight headache and anxiety and stress in my solar plexes. In that, knowing that these physical reactions are a result of the energy produced by participating in the emotions, which lead to the tearing /consuming of the muscle tissue, eating away of the flesh of the body.

I commit myself to assist and support myself through the process of stopping participation in these reactions of emotions and feelings toward anger as I cannot effectively direct myself here in physical equality and oneness Or in self-honesty when I am lost inside my own head and busy with aches and pains /anxiety which is a subsequent outflow of agreeing to engage in these emotions , just a distraction to take me away from dealing with the matter at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have to, once again re-live the consequences of my anger as: when I react to anger I am going inside my mind with all sorts of thoughts, memories coming up, feeding off the energy so bringing up other emotions and this energy all building–SO THEN I AM NOT PRESENT in that moment-in reality-to deal with what is happening in a CALM, LOGICAL WAY and I speak too fast/make decisions too quickly-from the past and emotions connected to the past and do the same old thing/timeloop myself by having to face the guilt/shame for reacting in haste, perhaps apologizing for my rash behavior/speech, possibly cut ties with people-being directed and controlled by fear-fear of rejection and fear of loss so leave them before they leave me and fear not being good enough so I give up or make rash decisions that I regret later.

Another consequence is existing in a illusionary bubble, polarizing my relationships, as me the weak one/victim and the other the strong one/bully, me the ‘right/good’ one, the other the ‘wrong/evil’ one. As I am one of MANY on this planet who react in/with anger, there are millions of us reacting with emotion which leads to further separation and possibly communication breakdown and conflict! In that, conflict can result because/as the emotion of anger unresolved tends to fester (memories can be exaggerated/changed to suit /feed one’s ego over time)and become resentment, hate and this can lead to conflict in the form or verbal exchange/arguement, gossip, physical violence, and even war.

And so, when and as I see myself falling into the trap of anger and blame I commit to THE PROCESS of stopping all such participation to end the cycle of reliving consequence, so go from consequence/outflow management to directive living in which I am aware/slow down/look-examine the situation/walk my process as in taking responsibility to change me/ and then in the future NOT participate in reactions but remain stable with breath –even as a thought/image come to mind to say ‘NO! no participating’ so as to stop timelooping into infinity with ANGER.

Day 94: Anger: Why Souldn’t I Be Angry?

February 16, 2013February 18, 2013 | sandymacjones

ANGER: THE SITUATION

I had a strong reaction of anger to an e-mail I received in which the sender said some things about me -which were true but I thought harsh– as I had intended a message I had written to be perceived differently than the way it was, which was taken literally versus as an ‘ideal’. However, I understand, how a communication-that I have written-is perceived is largely my responsibility , especially in the context of this particular one because I cannot assume (ass-u-me) that the reader will understand what I write as a ‘ideal’ or whatever–but that they will take what I write literally (in most cases-of course there are humorous writings) UNLESS I SPECIFY OTHERWISE. So this is common sense and my anger was a reaction to protect myself and mend my ego. To examine this in more detail:

PROBLEM

The problem with this anger is not so much the initial reaction but then following that reaction! So when I react to anger I am going inside my mind with all sorts of thoughts, memories coming up, feeding off the energy so bringing up other emotions and this energy all building–SO THEN I AM NOT PRESENT in that moment-in reality-to deal with what is happening in a CALM, LOGICAL WAY and I speak too fast/make decisions too quickly-from the past and emotions connected to the past and do the same old thing/timeloop myself by having to face the consequences of guilt/shame for reacting in haste, perhaps apologizing for my rash behavior/speech, possibly cut ties with people-being directed and controlled by fear-fear of rejection and fear of loss so leave them before they leave me and fear not being good enough so I give up or make rash decisions that I regret later.

Another problem is I live in a illusionary bubble, polarizing my relationships, as me the weak one/victim and the other the strong one/bully, me the ‘right/good’ one, the other the ‘wrong/evil’ one. As I am one of MANY on this planet who react in/with anger, there are millions of us reacting with emotion which leads to further separation and possibly communication breakdown and conflict! In that, conflict can result because/as the emotion of anger unresolved tends to fester (memories can be exaggerated/changed to suit /feed one’s ego over time)and become resentment, hate and this can lead to conflict in the form or verbal exchange/arguement, gossip, physical violence, and even war.

SOLUTION

Each of these solutions leads to the next, builds upon the other.

1. The first solution to this problem is to SLOW DOWN. If I can slow down, in fact STOP, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, several deep breaths in and out and commit to not THINKING but to staying present. Give it a little time, as in just listen (if someone else is present), tell them I’m going to get back to you on this if I am too upset or just breathe and know you will face the reaction later, also one can physically leave the space/room for a break to assist in calming down (excuse yourself if you are with others).

2. Ok, once I have slowed myself down, the second solution if to LOOK at the situation calmly: In this situation, I initially felt anger arise inside of me because I felt insulted/threatened like someone was attacking me and so I need to defend myself. (note: I also trend to read too fast, in these cases, like ‘what else did they say’ looking quickly for more damning word against me and can therefore misinterpret the actual response) So it is important to go back and read/review what this person’s actual response was. With the LOOKING, can examine/ask myself WHY am I feeling angry? SO TO GO TO THE ROOT/SOURCE/CAUSE OF WHY YOU ARE TAKING THE MIND PERSONALLY? What do I not want to give up/is there something I am deriving from it/how is it serving my ego/self interest/how does it empower me/do I want revenge on someone? In this case it was because I felt threatened, like ‘how dare they say that about me , how dare they say I am wrong’ and so fear that maybe they are correct. If they are correct and I am wrong then fear that I am not good enough, I doubt myself and my ability and worth and I am uncomfortable with having to look at myself, it doesn’t FEEL GOOD AND I WANT TO FEEL GOOD-this coming from childhood and society reward/punishment systems to motivate a person, so I fear the negative energy of punishment and change it into the positive-through the act of thinking- and as the reward I receive an energetic high, this is what I desire-the energetic high of feeling high and mighty- so if I defend myself (in my mind) I can CHANGE MY FEELING FROM NEGATIVE TO POSITIVE, from a negative energy reaction (anger/inferiority/victim/weak) to a positive energy reaction (blame, victor, winner, superiority). In that, I am vindicated because I am right AND THIS FEELS GOOD. However it is only deceptive ‘power’/justification and thus temporary, as it is not based on reality so this anger point will arise again and again. Therefore, to uncover the ‘why’ is the process of a permanent solution-to eventually eliminate the anger as and within you.

REWARDS

*You won’t be dragging around the heaviness of guilt and self-judgement that is a consequence of speaking out in haste when you react in/with anger.

*You will be more healthy, mentally and physically. You will have less tiredness, more hours in your day to enjoy!

*You won’t need to blame others, vilify others, to make yourself feel better/ok/good.

*You’ll be standing as an example for others, as a source of stability and true strength, and thus you will be in a position to support and assist your fellow man.

*You will have more stable relationships.

*You will stand as an example for your children and create a safe/open/respectful/truly loving family/home environment.

To continue with Self-Forgiveness and Corrective Application Statements in next post

Heal Yourself