Day 68: I Feel So Guilty!

I feel so guilty

Please read Day 67 for context to this blog.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, to stop myself whenever I begin to going into thoughts, specifically  a picture of the child in my mind as the first thought, about how I do not want to be the caregiver for this child anymore. In that, I commit myself to stop myself  from participating in the emotion of guilt and the subsequent thoughts that follow, as I now see/realize/understand to engage in this emotion is useless as it does not change my decision, which I considered  for a very long time, as far back as last summer, I stop and  take a deep breath in and out, I bring myself back to the physical and get on with my day.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop allowing my mind, as fear of survival with regards to
money and ego, direct me and so in moments I find myself going into fear I stop, I breathe and remind myself I no longer allow my mind to control me, doubting my decision making abilities, as I now see/realize/understand I cannot effectively direct myself when I am in a mind possessed state/paralyzed or going backward, on my decisions, because of fear, if I am concerned, I remind myself when I have the time, I can sit and focus on re-visiting a decision, within a stable starting point of breath here, so I am certain it is not my mind that is directing a decision but myself in awareness.

I commit myself to not allow myself to go into my mind with all sorts of fantasies/imaginings,else  unaware it is even occurring, so I commit to slowing down and remind myself I do not
want to be directed by spite and engage in guessing/interpreting another’s actions/words, in separation of myself, by having revenge fantasies as I now see/realize/understand all imaginings are unexpressed emotions, therefore when/if I find this occurring, I commit to stop and bring myself back to my physical body with breath and to then find a time to sit and write it out, self-honestly, looking at the emotions I have suppressed to rid them from my physical body as memories/thoughts (embedded in the flesh), that are re-surfacing/coming up from the past, as how I am interpreting this situation in the present–but are not reality at all and of no use to me or anyone else involved.

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, whenever I find I am participating in inner chatter/backchat that is nasty about this situation and to stop and breathe and not allow it to continue as I now see/realize/understand if I have something I want to communicate, I can do it in the physical and not talk shit inside my head about another being who is not even there to defend themselves, it is only strengthening my mind instead of remaining here in reality/the physical and I commit to strengthening my stand to live as a fully physical being, directing myself, as life here, one and equal to the mom and child I was gossiping about in my secret mind!

I commit myself , through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop all relating to /engaging in emotions and feelings bombarding me around letting this client go, as I now see/realize/understand letting emotions and feelings lead me, only weakens my awareness and resolve to remain here out of my mind, I cannot trust these reactions as they are all mixed up with interpretation, based on memories, as past experiences. Instead I stop, I breathe and bring myself back down to earth and remind myself I am a physical being , not a mind, and I am here, not in the past, I also remind myself I do not need to feel bad, guilt, sad, as the child has a new, very kind caregiver and we will see them daily at the school yard , I do not control other beings but I was respectful and did a very good job taking care of the child, my husband will not leave me because I lost a client as he is patient and knows I will do my best to replace the income asap. I am grateful for my day and I get back to focus on the task at hand.

I commit myself to be aware whenever I have let the mind go so far as making changes in my physicality around this situation, by being swept away in a fantasy, following thoughts, as inner conversation inside my head, and then and the subsequent emotions and feelings that come up-leading to the behavioral physical changes. And so I commit to bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical reality in which I live, as I now see/realize/understand to participate only serves to further feed the mind, as it transforms the physical energy into mind energy, which it requires to keep existing and expanding -this energy `mined`extracted from the physical body. As well, existing as this mind energy being, instead of a physical being, only pushes me further away from a real relationship with others in my life as I am not able to see or communicate clearly to another in this state.

I commit myself to stop myself from going so far as to manifest consequences in my physical body, to torture myself with guilt, to doubt my ability to assess a situation and come to a reasonable/common sense conclusion and follow it through no matter what others may think and stop being a people pleaser, as I now understand it does not serve myself or the others involved, as I am not  being self-honesty, in that moment, but only being directed by self-interest as of fear of  survival.

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Investigate the 7 Year Journey to Life Blogs of individuals walking their Process of SELF-Change, Self Responsibility through the processes of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

Any questions/clarification visit the Desteni Forums HERE.
Also investigate the Desteni I Process LITE (Free Course) and the Desteni I Process PRO, as the practical structural process that respectively Introduce one to the Mind and Walk one through the Mind, in firstly understanding the Mind and then how to assist/support self into and as real, living, self-change.

Show your vote for a Life where all have value at www.equalmoney.org

Mind Control, Amazingly cool documentaries to watch that explain in Detail how we got here:

Social Engineering in the 20th century

Psywar,

The Century of Self,

The Power Principle

Day 66: Men Think I’m Stupid part 3: Freeing Myself of This Belief

Free Yourself

Please refer to Day 64 and Day 65 for context to this blog.

I commit to assist and support myself, to stop myself whenever I am possessed by the thought, ‘men think I’m stupid’ as I now see/realize/understand this thought comes from within ME and therefore, it is  my responsibility to no longer allow myself to blame/project it outward onto another but to remind myself that whether it is true or not- I know I am not stupid- and to breathe and bring myself out of my mind of memories and thought and back to physical reality and then to express how I am experiencing myself in that moment, if appropriate, (or whatever voicing/action is required) and trust myself to respond/engage in a manner that will be assisting to all and not just me in separation/ego.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, stop all such connections of the thought ‘men think I’m stupid’ to the past, as memories, of my father suggesting  I/my siblings are not as intelligent/capable/competent in comparison to others as I now see/realize/understand to do so isolates me in my mind of illusion and puts an end to any effective communication/interaction with others, as it ‘pits me against them’/puts me on the defensive and not part of a meaningful verbal exchange. Furthermore, I  remind myself I am here and I am not a helpless child but a capable adult who can offer assistance/ask for clarification/not engage in polarities of superior & inferior/or if necessary, leave an abusive situation. Thus, instead of simply reacting to my pre-progamming, out of fear of rejection from past experience, I realize I do not have to ‘fight’/prove myself to anyone but can co-operate and co-exist in equality when I stay calm and present and focus on the matter at hand.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, to stop myself whenever I am directed/controlled by fear that maybe I am stupid and should stay silent & of being seen as inferior/disposable by a man because he uses a certain tone and vocabulary that I interpret as harsh/belittling and connecting this to my father’s tone/wordings, as I now see/realize/understand ones tone/wording is just that, theirs, and does not reflect on me/who I am, as I remain constant/stable with breath as who I am here. Also, I commit to remind myself my disapproval/accusations/interpretation of another’s actions/communication style could be incorrect and does not change things if I react, and is not supportive to the other in anyway but only serves to escalate a situation, to see who will ‘win’ & that my reaction, as fear, serves no real purpose but as a defense mechanism of the mind to supposedly ensure I prove myself worthy so this person does not reject me and, thereby, is self-interest and not based on what is best for all involved.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, stop all participation/engaging with nasty inner chatter/voices in the head when in a situation/conversation with a man thinking ‘he thinks I am stupid’ as I now see/realize/understand to do so is guessing what he is thinking and therefore quite insane, I become the aggressor in my mind with sexist remarks, lumping all men together, I am judging another in separation of myself and I am also then talking to myself-inside my own head-and not even listening/participating fully in the REAL conversation going on, so I am greatly limiting my effectiveness to direct myself in any clear/supportive way so we have the opportunity to create/share/learn/grow in relationship to each other. I remind myself, to engage in such inner conversation is to get involved with memories-which over the years have been changed to suit me so they cannot be trusted-  and so I commit to trust myself here, so to not back away in fear/shyness but to voice myself (unless it is clearly an abusive situation in which I would remove myself) here in the moment.

I commit myself to stop myself before I get to the point of participation/experiencing the onslaught of emotions that inevitably occur in these situations but if/when I do find myself at that point I commit to stop and breathe, slow myself /my thinking down and get out of my mind and back down to earth, to feel my feet on the ground, touch myself to remind myself I AM PHYSICAL, as I now see/realize/understand I cannot effectively direct myself if I am overtaken by emotion and I will have nothing of value to add/contribute if I am being controlled by this energy running wild.  I am therefore not living as the directive principal of me but as a mind machine that is on automatic pilot, just reacting and not really living, free to express myself, but chained to the past.

I commit myself to be aware of and stop all such subsequent behavioral changes in my physical body in these situations by using my breath to bring myself /snap myself out of my mind of /as energy and back to physical reality as I now see/realize/understand I am only harming myself, allowing this energy to effect/alter my very physicality by allowing the energy to eat away/consume the flesh to turn it into further mind energy, thereby strengthening the mind and not my body.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop all participation in imaginings in my mind, as moving pictures/fantasy, in situations where I feel threatened by a certain kind of man I judge as harsh/feel inferior/believe he thinks I’m stupid, as I now see/realize/understand I don’t know what he thinks and I could be wrong, I can leave a situation that I feel is abusive, I can speak up in a responsible way-NOT OUT OF REACTION-but trust myself to remain calm with breath and communicate self-honestly using common sense, I do not have to defend/be a spokes person for the message of equality to someone who cannot hear the message as this is useless and a waste of time. I remind myself using the imagination only further strengthens my mind of energy and not me here, and as such I am completely existing in limitation and not from the starting point of growth/expression/oneness and equality and this is no longer acceptable to me.

I commit myself to stop myself from timelooping with this issue, as it is my issue-coming from my own mind-it is my responsibility to stop the separation/the blame/accusations and face myself in self-honesty, and face another as me, and refuse to participate in thoughts of men not liking me/thinking I’m stupid and just stay with what is real in that moment, not cower and run, but to stand/exemplify and treat another as I would want to be treated, so not talk down, try to out smart, get emotional, bring in the past, thereby to stop endangering relationships that I value, thus to stand firm in my decision and not let the mind ‘take over’ in these types of situations so as to, eventually, transcend the thought once and for all and to walk this decision daily, as life, one and equal.

Investigate the 7 Year Journey to Life Blogs of individuals walking their Process of SELF-Change, Self Responsibility through the processes of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.
Any questions/clarification visit the Desteni Forums HERE.
Also investigate the Desteni I Process LITE (Free Course) and the Desteni I Process PRO, as the practical structural process that respectively Introduce one to the Mind and Walk one through the Mind, in firstly understanding the Mind and then how to assist/support self into and as real, living, self-change.

Show your vote for a Life where all have value at www.equalmoney.org

Mind Control, Amazingly cool documentaries to watch that explain in Detail how we got here:

Social Engineering in the 20th century

Psywar,

The Century of Self,

Day 52: Solution: Stressed Out by The Little Things: part 2

See Day 51 for context: Commitment Statements

I commit myself to stop myself whenever the thought arise, ‘there are too many thoughts to get through’ as in process (DIP) (The 7 Year Journey To Life) and use the subsequent feeling, of overwhelmingness, as an excuse to postpone, as I now see/realize/understand to beLIEve this thought as true, as me, is false, as I am indeed only here, in the physical and can isolate this one thought, forgive it, and direct myself in the moment, with  breath, to carry out my task of writing, simply, no emotion required!

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application  be aware of the first thought, as ‘it’s too much’ so as to stop the emotion of fear arising, if I find I have gone into fear, I stop, I breathe, bring myself back down to earth, to reality and out of my mind of illusion, as I now see/realize/understand participating in this fear is what causes me to become stagnant and frozen, doomed to repeat the past of living from the starting point of reaction instead of becoming an effective living being here, who can  give, communicate, support and assist others so we may together put an end the abuse on earth by standing up for equality.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating in the lie, ‘there is not enough time’ as I now see/realize/understand it was always me, in following and then accepting this lie to exist within and as me, who believed it and engaged in wasting time by going into backchat about –list making–all the little chores that need to be done INSTEAD of moving/directing myself TO DO THEM without energy, but by engaging in the energy reactions of emotions and then the subsequent behavioral changes in my body of:  tension, aches and pains in the muscle tissue, anxiety and the tightening of my chest and stomach, shortness of breath, I would get tired very quickly and PROVE to myself , ‘ See, I am exhausted, I need to rest, I knew there wasn’t enough time’. It is no longer acceptable to me to follow such patterns, as I simply require to move, with breath, out of my mind and breathe through any thoughts that come up/arise AS THEY COME UP and everything gets done, with time to spare!

I commit myself to NOT accept and allow myself to lye in bed when I first wake up/the alarm goes off but to immediately rise and meet my day with one breath, as I now see /realize/understand that the mind re-boots itself, as it is the computer of all my past, imbedded in my very flesh, and I do not require pictures/memories/thoughts/emotions/imaginings/fantasies using the construct of time (past, present, future) to be an effective human being, but I do require breath, in each here moment, to keep this unconditional gift of the human physical body, to effectively direct myself, as what is best for all life, in all ways.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application to be aware, to be here, each morning when I am busy with the kids (children I have in my daycare) and not get lost in my mind, when I find I have gone past the first thought and am now into backchat/inner conversation, which is bringing up one picture after another in my head, and when I then find the tension/anxiety -emotion- is building- I commit TO STOP myself and breathe, as I now see/realize/understand I cannot effectively direct myself/my day when I am lost in my mind of pictures/images and not here, to be fully available to the children, what they are doing/saying, I cannot truly hear them/assist them/interact with them if I am busy in my mind and this is no longer acceptable to me, as it stems from self-interest and fear only.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application  stop all such inner self-talk as backchat during my day, especially first thing in the morning when the children arrive and my husband is around, as I now see/realize/understand it does not change anything but in fact harms my physicality by creating and then using energy, within the emotions it creates, to consume the flesh. In that, I now understand the mind is indeed a consumption machine, round and round it goes, constantly and continuously -as within so without- just as I have become a consumer in society/within the world systems, unaware of the harm I am doing by buying endless shit I do not need but have become dependent upon/addicted to, blissfully unaware of the plastic garbage islands/waste in our oceans, that is amassing daily and destroying the plant and animal kingdoms, in my destructive path. From the greater to the small, it starts here, with me standing absolute, with a still mind, moving within my day, being here for my job, the children in my daycare, and fulfilling my other daily responsibilities in stability, with no mind movement. As this is a process, I remind myself to be patient and kind to myself and carry on with the task at hand.

I commit myself, whenever I find I have gone into emotions of guilt, fear, anxiety, blame, judgement of myself and others, resulting from participating in backchat/self-talk throughout my day, to stop and breathe, to stabilize myself as I bring myself out of my mind and feel my feet firmly planted on the ground-physical, as I now see/realize/understand how engaging in these emotions/feelings takes me away from the reality of what is here in my life and into some illusionary drama that does not exist and makes it impossible for me to effectively direct myself, as a responsible daycare provider, wife, mother, daughter and human being.  I now see that such behavior is not life but a useless, programmed, robot destined to only repeat the past as patterns of postponement, self-interest, confusion, failure and so unable to contribute anything of value to my world, but to crawl in fear toward old age and this is no longer acceptable to me.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application, stop myself when I find I am experiencing physical bodily changes brought on from the emotions/feelings I have allowed unaware, by saying ‘No, not participating‘ and using breath to stabilize myself, out of the mind of illusion and self-interest, back down to earth and then to breathe, in absolute stability, until the aches and pains disappear, my muscles relax, my throat relaxes, the nauseous feeling goes away, as I now see/realize/understand it was my participation in the whole process of thought-backchat-fear-emotions that created the discomfort in the first place and this is not necessary or productive, in any way, but was brought upon by my being unaware of my reality/lost in my mind. As well, these bodily reactions will result in the consumption/decay of the flesh and this is no longer acceptable to me.

Day 46: How Do I Face What I Have Done? Solution: Commitment Statements part 6

Now that one has got a new starting point/foundation as one has applied self-forgiveness, how do you practically walk/apply this, day to day?  Through the writing and living of commitment statements:

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I have a memory arise within me of when L. would ask what I was drinking, or why I smelt funny, and breathe and not follow these memories further but to stand and gain self-awareness back here in the physical -to what is real and current before me- as I now see /realize/understand it is not by engaging in memories and then emotions and behaviors that things are righted, as I only go into an energetic reaction of guilt that harms me, but it is by directing myself here, and speaking self-honestly in the moment to my daughter that is effective. I realize I have spoken to her several times during my sobriety and made amends and more importantly,  make a daily living amends by being sober and available anytime to/for her.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I allow myself to get to the point of playing out a scene/memory of when I used to hang out at bars and have superficial encounters with men, be elated while getting ready to go out, treat the men I met in bars as ‘insignificant’ without the starting point of one and equal,  as I now see/realize/understand to continue/follow these memories further will only lead me into the emotions of guilt/blame/regret which is a waste of time/does not change the past is a total replay of a replay of a replay …… as such is useless, as this only uses energy from the emotions to transform substance/physicality into further mind energy which only serves to harm the physical body as it gets slowly eaten away. I realize I was not capable at the time to treat these men with the respect they deserve as life, one and equal to me, and I do not allow myself to participate in such behavior now.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and focus back on physical reality each time I have a memory arise about when I used to drink and then call my parents or others. I commit myself to not engage participate in the emotions that subsequently arise of guilt and shame as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible human being/daughter but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application, to stop myself by being aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret/humiliation of the past when a memory/thought /picture arises,  in my mind, of the time when a relative bought gifts for my children at christmas and I had none for her children.  I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.  Furthermore, I see/realize/understand christmas is bullshit/meaningless and, until we create a world that is best for all in equality, I do not participate in christmas (I will in small way so as to not upset/be a rebel in my family, whom I respect) and I know this person and I are one and equal, in fact, and money does not define us, as money will one day disappear and there will be nothing left but the being to face herself (both me and her-not suggesting I have not been guilty of consumerism, I have).

Day 45: Alcoholism: How Do I Face What I Have Done? part 5

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of L. saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I stank of booze through my pores and was sweaty and shaky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, sitting at the bar smoking thinking about the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, I just used them to feed my ego, I used them physically and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I never remembered them and I would brush them off  because I was hung over and feeling like crap, me me me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to those men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me, on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across as a super friendly/flirty/strong/confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, how pathetic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being self-honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better/superior or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex- husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a relative, one Christmas, at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage, a husband who is a ‘good’ guy, and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idiot, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face.  She has positioned herself in the world systems so she ‘has it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck, I am a complete loser and she is so together, why did she have to do that and throw it in my face? She is so insensitive.”

Solution: Facing these consequences as memories With Commitment Statements to follow

Day 44: Commitment Statements : No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction Character part 4

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as the self-directive force of me, here, in each moment of breath. Breaking the chains!

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application, from existing as the past/from the starting point of the past in thinking about how I hurt my children through my drinking-questioning it-mulling it over and over in my mind letting it possess/control my day and each moment, as I now see/realize/understand this does not change the past, what is done is done, and I can now only direct myself here in responsibility to my children, myself and all of humanity, the animal kingdom and nature by standing back up each time I fall, facing myself as fear, the fear I have carried with me as memories of the character of ‘the alcoholic Mom’, fear of the consequences, each time I face this character and refuse to participate in the subsequent thoughts/emotions/feelings, I remove a layer of the memories I have built up over many years, until she will exist no longer.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a memory come up of apologizing to my children for being drunk and the deep regret it brought with it, as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible parent but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application be aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret of the past and believing the past has a hold of myself and/or my son because of my drinking, as I now see/realize/understand we are both here and not the prisoners of the past, as he is doing well in University and holds a job, I am here for him and he knows this, as well, I realize it is a waste of time to hold these memories within and as me, as I can support and assist him and myself more effectively by being here and not lost in my mind of regret.

I commit myself to moment to moment self-awareness so that when memories arise within my consciousness, to take me away from my current reality here,  of drinking and driving and of  P.’s birthday party in the ravine, I stop, I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.

Day 43: No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction character part 3

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as self-directive force here, in each moment of breath. Break the chains!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will L  and P. do without me?…  Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll quit tomorrow.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotion of guilt and self-pity and self-hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done?  How have I harmed my children?’, when it is a waste of time and knowing my children now see me sober, within first AA (alcoholics anonymous) and now within Desteni, a living, breathing, daily, amends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her -once again- how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’ and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this, the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt L. and I was supposed to be her protector.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of P. sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor P. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is slow (within the world systems of school/work) now. He sits in front of his computer for hours at a time. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  having a picture in my mind of P’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back, because I had blacked out, and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bringing up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love P.. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and L. taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. She asked what it was and I said something like ‘It is a special drink for adults. Don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt, shame, regret bringing up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’ Subsequently, I forgive myself for the following behavioral changes in my physical body as I type this:  the muscles in my mid back and chest tightened , my jaw tight and clenched and my breath becoming short and erratic.

Commitment statements to follow.