Day 153: Who Creates The Subservient Woman? continued

Please note:  Blogs: Day 147-152 are relevant to this post.

Thought:  I’m not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the ‘I’m not good enough’ character in reaction to a non-response from another or what I perceive to be a negative response from another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, when someone  does not respond to me/notice me, that I am insignificant because I ASS-u-Me they are ignoring me and think I am insignificant, thereby completely victimizing myself and following another instead of directing myself/standing as myself but waiting for their response to validate me/give me purpose instead of validating myself in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear, anger, blame, judgement, self-judgement and self-punishment when another person does not respond to me and to allow these negative energies to possess me. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the positive energies of relief, validation, ease, feeling  a false sense of stability if they should respond at a later time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in internal conversation/backchat like: he/she thinks it’s ok to ignore me because I’m insignificant/I’m a failure/I’m not as good as the others/I will die /I’m not going to make it/my work is not as good as the others/I don’t do enough/I don’t do things right/I’m not that smart/I’m not thorough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then experience physical body reactions of :  a severe welling up in my solar plexes-reacting like I’ve been attacked-like a ball of  anxiety, tightening of my shoulders and upper back, clenching of my jaw, all this resulting my body aches and extreme uneasiness causing tension and stress throughout my body.

When and as I see myself going into the ‘I’m not good enough’ character because of a non-response or a response I thought was negative from another, I pull myself out of my mind of thought and back down to earth, I use my breath to stabilize myself and remind myself no one can create my reaction BUT ME and that is the part I am responsible for. I also realize I tend to ‘jump to conclusions’ moving too quickly in my mind and need to slow down and consider my every thought/word /deed, as in stabilize myself here and then assess/speak/direct the situation in common sense and self-honestly, considering all involved equally. In that , I also see I need to stop all judgements and assumptions and look at what is real and my part in it and go from there.

When and as I see myself going into polarizing energy emotions, depending upon how the situation turns out-gets left or resolved- I stop myself and bring myself back here, to the physical and deal with the situation in reality, as energy is not required and only depletes me. I now see/realize/understand I have been dependent upon the acceptance and approval from others-usually men but sometimes women in authority positions- to tell me how to feel, as depending upon the interaction I am : happy or sad/high or low/good enough or a loser/will live or die.  This is no longer acceptable to me to give someone, outside of myself, such power/authority.

When and as I see myself participating in nasty backchat/internal conversation around this issue I stop, I breathe and bring my awareness out of my mind and back to here, to the physical world, as I now see/realize/understand I am all alone up there in my mind of chatter-it is isolating and dangerous as there is no reference or check with reality, it is based on my past experiences/memories from my past and not based on reality today/here, I have no right to judge another as it is obviously what I think AS IT CAME FROM INSIDE OF ME therefore it exist within me and so is my issue to deal with, but it is quite useless to worry/obsess about this point as it is better/common sense to just ask the person and see if they have some assistance/support they can offer if they feel I have an area that needs attention/improvement.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

For further reference, read  the Equal Money  Wiki

• Place your questions as the Equal Money Forum
• Visit the Group Capitalism vs. Equal Money group on Facebook.
• Read the Equal Money  Wiki
• Read Economist’s Journey to Life

Day 152: Who CREATES the Subservient Woman?

Please read the previous posts, day 147-151, for context to this blog.  Continuing…

So, how do I practically walk the change/the solution, being a new relationship, one of total responsibility , within the word ‘creator’?

 Self-Corrective Statements and Self-Corrective Application:

When and as I see myself going into blame within the current financial situation of my life-which is a consequence of my past action or inaction- I stop and bring myself back to breath, to here, as I now see/realize/understand I am the creator of my life/existence as I am capable of making changes (and I have done this) to my income, so becoming financially independent, I have for the most part taken care of  the debt I accumulated throughout my life, I have an equal partnership within my marriage today whereby I am responsible for most of the household duties and contribute  some income and my partner makes most of the financial contribution, I have all I need and no longer am plagued by want/desires, I am grateful for all I have and realize billions of people/animals/nature’s many species suffer from lack due to the inequality of the current world systems and I am contributing to bringing about a world which will share the resources in a way that is best for all.

When and as I see myself creating the consequence of self-harm/self-victimization, by reacting to a memory, specifically the memory of my father saying ‘Sandy always tries so hard, even when she knows she won’t win’  ( my dad was referring to a running race when I was in primary school), I stop I breathe and bring my awareness back to the physical, to here, as I now see/realize/understand I do not have to allow this memory to define me, it holds no power over me except what I decide in each moment to give it, my father did not mean I would never win-that was my reaction and I have used it as an excuse to ‘not try’/give up at times in my life- and therefore my responsibility, I actually did think I had the chance to win and do not allow myself any longer to give up before I even try something/start something new because of fear of failure, I cannot be a creator if I allow fear and memories define who I am here.

When and as I see myself reacting with the emotions of fear, anger, resentment, and blame because I have given my authority/power away to another, I stop and remind myself I am the authority in my life/I am the moving force that is breathing/speaking/doing and thus the creator and no one else, I also realize these emotions create the consequence of leading me into non-action and so depression/apathy, thus I cannot grow/expand/learn and apply/give and share with others. I state clearly, No,this is no longer who I am, I commit me to change’ and carry on with the task before me.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE

RE-PARENT YOURSELF: RE-BIRTH YOURSELF TO BECOME THE LIVING WORD!

	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development: Phase I: 0-1 Years Phase II: 1-3 Years Phase III: 3-7 Years
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: The relationship to Sound and Energy of Words.
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when the Baby Resists the Energy of the Words?
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when a Baby Accepts the Energy of the Words?

Day 149: My Relationship with the Word ‘Creator’ 3

Please read the previous two posts, day 147/148, for context to this blog.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not the creator of myself and my world and thus I am not responsible because everything is being done TO me, instead of AS me (so living in re-action versus being the directive force)  as who I am in every  thought, word and deed .

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to give the ultimate authority -the author/the living word- over myself, as my mind/beingness/body  within and my physical circumstances without- to a male figurehead either in the sky as in god/universe or in my life as in husband/boss/father/etc.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to hope he is benevolent as he is the decision maker whether I live or die, how I live and die, how others live and die, so I am helplessly at the whim of this creator and resigned to just go through the motions, ‘make the best of it’ -this life of no control-robotic and depressed.

Thus, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then believe that if this creator, god or male authority figure, rejects me, I am ‘doomed to death’ so I better damn well please him/suck up to him/try to be good enough for him or else! In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot take care of myself on my own-stand on my own financially and emotionally, as well within my agreement with my husband, to think my contribution financially and homemaker duties are not enough when it is clearly working/agreed upon/equal AND within my online course, that my contributions are not enough, when I am facing myself each day, breath by breath, and will do more as I am able, being in a process.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the following emotions and feelings around my relationship and associations to the world ‘creator’ :  fear of death/fear of homelessness/fear of poverty/fear of exposure-cold/fear of loneliness, anger, resentment, blame, self-blame, less than/inferiority, helplessness, hopelessness, greed, self-importance/vanity/narcissism, gratefulness, awe, respect/love.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of failure-not good enough character/fear of death/arrogance/gratitude onto a being-real or imagined-other than myself so I don’t have to face myself in self-responsibility as the creator of my life and my world but am more comfortable externalizing the consequences of my every thought, word, and deed throughout my life, onto another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to create massive consequence around relationship and associations with how I have lived the word ‘creator’ throughout my life, some of which are the following:  I spent much of my adult life concerned with my own self-interest/religion of self thinking, within my story of Sandy, I did not have/needed a cottage, wanting fame and fortune through songwriting (thought this was what my ‘higher power’ wanted for me but it was just my mind/pre-programming), somewhat obsessed with looks/image as a woman, fashion, extravagant home decor because I allowed myself to be directed by greed and superficiality.  Another consequence is that I put myself at a disadvantage financially,emotionally and mentally in life by relying on luck, hope, romantic love-dependency, god’s good grace-prayers answered, chance, dependency upon family assuming I was not the creator of the circumstances/events in my life (I realize within the world systems some of our circumstances beyond our control in physical reality) because I did not trust my own self /common sense in that I would be better off taking control, as much as I was able to, within different events happening throughout my life.

Another consequence, due to my relationship and associations within the word ‘creator’ is that I closed my eyes (to some degree-not completely) to the suffering of others and did not ‘love my neighbor as myself’ and ‘give as I would like to receive’ so fed into the material world by not speaking out about abuse and purchasing products in which animals/people/the plant kingdom/the oceans were being abused and depleted.  Why?  Because I did not experience first hand their suffering, I could ignore it by not reading about it/not watching the news and remain in my bubble/comfort zone pretending everything was fine in the world because everything was mostly fine in my comfortable world.  Another consequence is that I suffered horribly, by living in the past and blaming, with mental illness and alcoholism as I could not, at the time, see any other ‘answer’ to the emotional pain I was facing than attempt to escape what ‘fate had dealt me’ by going inward into fantasy/prayer/spirituality and then music writing and drinking alcohol and isolating.

To continue in the next post

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 148: Taking Responsibility for My Relationship with the word ‘Creator’ 2

‘Forgive them father, for they know not what they do.’   OMG, what have I done? Surely I did not do this, I am a good person, I care…don’t  I? ‘

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to completely separate myself from this word ‘creator’ as if it exists out there somewhere and thus separated/abdicated any and all responsibility toward this word and all the associations I hold within me, toward this word.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the words: power, bible, father, universe, god, higher power, savior, birth, death, pain, disease, suffering, nature, animals, ocean, sun, moon, stars, space, beauty, flower, miracle, impossible, human, body and the hierarchical polarities of greater/lesser, powerful/weak, victim/victor, winner/loser, beginning/end, birth/death, war/peace, boss/dependent-worker   to the word ‘creator‘.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself not consider myself the creator of the extensive amounts of abuse that exist in the world in relation to:  purchasing make up that has been created through cruel experimentation on animals, through passing on ‘the sins of the father’ by not being aware of my every thought/word/deed while I was raising my children and I thus raised them ‘in my image and likeness’, by sleep walking my way through life-unaware of my self-interest- and thus participating as ‘creator’ in massive inequality within income/healthcare/education/housing conditions of the people around me and the world at large.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang onto/desire to keep my relationship to my comfort and thus have not been willing to face the changes required, firstly in my inner world, to change me, because I consider it ‘hard work’/uncomfortable to change, so I resist letting go of my ego, as in my personality of memories, emotions, feelings  and rather stay stagnant because it is the ‘devil I know’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘the creator’ as in it had the power to give me life and then at some later date, take it away and then blame this creator for this cruel and unfair position it put it’s little creation in, being me!

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to associate all men, in any kind of authority position in my life, real or imagined authority,  to the ‘creator’ so that if they rejected me/left me/did not approve of me it feels like a death or like I will die/they are killing me/destroying me and then I blame them, as in they have done me wrong so I right to blame them, I did my best.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then participate in all sorts of nasty backchat/inner conversation in which I first abdicate any responsibility and then go into self-blame/self-loathing/punishment/judgement, so from one polarity to the other, of some of the following: birth and death is a stupid design, whoever designed the mind is stupid and irresponsible as it malfunctions easily and is cruel, god does not love /take care of everyone obviously as millions stave and suffer so is not a benevolent force/being, I don’t trust the creator and I don’t trust this world but I’m helpless against death so I have no choice (powerless) so I’ll try to do the ‘right’ thing… how dare he judge me as unworthy/I don’t count/I can be discarded/I”m forgettable/I’m not special/I’m not worth keeping around, he thinks I’m not good enough, he thinks I’m pretty enough but not very intelligent, he ignores me… maybe he’s right, I’ll be alone if I’m rejected by him, how will I get along/cope in this world without him, I could die/die young/be poor/not enjoy life without him…maybe he is right, what did I do/say wrong, if only I had done x/said x, why am I such a loser/failure, I didn’t do enough for him, I’m not good enough for him.

In that,  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, during my years when beLIEved in a ‘higher power’/love and light, participate in backchat/inner conversation of the nature of some of the following:  it’s ok there is a loving design, its none of your business the business of life (lol, makes no sense to me now), do not question just have faith, god/universe loves us unconditionally, there is a plan, it’s all a loving plan, everyone is here to learn lessons, it’ll make sense when I die AND all of the self-depreciating talk above.  However, (during that period of my life) I was either wrought with insecurities and dependency on my first husband, or drinking alot , or into the AA  (alcoholics anonymous) higher power idea so not self-empowered at all and was always searching for answers, until I found the Desteni Message and DIP Course!  So, this love and light inner talk did not assist and support me to stop the self-blame/judgement/punishment and help me stand on my on two feet and  stop living from the starting point of the past-it actually kept me in an unequal/enslaved/dependent relationship on a creator outside of myself.

To continue in the next post

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 147: Taking Responsiblity for my Relationship to the word ‘ Creator ‘

In today’s post I am deconstructing the word ‘creator’ and examining my relationship to, and responsibility toward, how I live this word.

When I consider the word ‘creator’ my mind goes to ‘god’, the higher force/being that is responsible for bringing about the existence of earth and all it’s inhabitance. Whatever that power is, I suppose I have defined it as ‘the almighty/omnipotent one/the ultimate authority’ and I was just the blade of grass/the child of this power greater than I and therefore at it’s mercy. I ‘hoped‘ it was a benevolent force and that if I ‘try’ to be a good person (doing the odd random act of kindness unto another) and eat sensibly I would be spared it’s wrath and enjoy a relatively easy life and not suffer too much and go somewhere ‘better’ when I die.

I assumed the creator was more than a single entity, yet I ‘pictured’ the creator as the ultimate ‘father’/the godly figure in a long robe and white beard/or a massive white light or something similar.   Have to admit, I thought of the creator as a male figure head/the boss to whom I should or must submit/try to please/be accepted/in his good books and so my relationship/associations  to this ‘creator’ was much the same as  my relationship/associations to all the males throughout my life who I had any kind of authority issue, imaginary or real, with. So, all bosses, my father, my father’s friends/associates, older male relatives,any leader of an organization I was part of, any head of a group of people I was associated with-be a church or school, sports teams, drama club, etc. and of course husband.

It is not so much I thought these ‘male authority figures’ were better or smarter than I , in fact, I often was quite smug, judgmental, harsh, condescending in my assessment of the male authority figures in my life.  I dealt with the dilemma of being at their mercy/under their authority with an attitude like, ‘well, they are quite stupid but there is nothing I can do about it so I will submit and do the best I can to not anger/upset this mean and ignorant man and get along as best I am able, until I can leave/be free of them’.  Often, with bosses I had some mad crush on them at some point within our association and would fantasize about being with them, so although I was fearful and submissive I was definitely attracted to this authority/power and would sexualize  (sexual eyes) this attraction. Related to this would be the fantasy of marriage and being financially taken care of , so creating a dependency. So there was, in these cases, an attraction-pull and a revulsion-pushing away, very polarizing forces.

Well, this is interesting/reveling, I started writing about my relationship to the word ‘creator’ and am now writing about sex, money, and dependency on A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF= GIVING A MAN IN MY LIFE AUTHORITY OVER ME, which, I realize,  is not their fault by the way .  Within my relationships with the opposite sex during my lifetime (with the exception of my marriage today) there has also existed the ‘ownership’ issue, being that this guy had to stay with me ( I owned this guy) or I would just die.

To continue in the next post, deconstructing the word ‘creator‘ and applying self-forgiveness and a self-corrective application, in which I write a statement of how to walk/live this word, from the starting point of self-responsibility.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE

RE-PARENT YOURSELF: RE-BIRTH YOURSELF TO BECOME THE LIVING WORD!

	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development: Phase I: 0-1 Years Phase II: 1-3 Years Phase III: 3-7 Years
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: The relationship to Sound and Energy of Words.
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when the Baby Resists the Energy of the Words?
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when a Baby Accepts the Energy of the Words?

Day 144: Changing Myself in Relationship to the Word ‘Impossible’ 4

Please read the previous 3 posts for context to this blog .   From Day 141:  The next word I will examine and deconstruct, in relation to my eyesight is ‘impossible’. Interesting word on many fronts, it is actually an end point, a final bowing out, an admission stating, ‘I am powerless to change this’ …Apparently,  it is quite acceptable, in today’s world, to wash your hands of any and all responsibility to any breakdown of the human body, including ones eyes as I am facing here, as it is god/the way it is /the circle of life/the universe/whatever and not in fact ourselves–as part of that ‘force’ one gives all power to. Well, if that force/god encompasses all,  ARE WE NOT PART OF THAT ‘ALL’?   Yup, so why do we abdicate our responsibility?  That is all I am doing here, removing blame and self-pity and beginning a process of investigation.

Continuing: Self-Commitment Statements and Self-Corrective Application

Internal Conversation and Backchat Dimension

When and as I see myself participating within my mind of backchat/internal conversation around the word ‘impossible’, specifically with regards to my eyesight, I stop and breathe and pull myself back to reality and the physical, and state ‘No, not participating’  as I now realize engaging in ‘talking to myself ‘ is just talking to my memories based on the past, knowledge and information I have accumulated throughout my lifetime and what I constantly fed as stimuli to keep me pre-occupied and obsessed within self-interest and survival and NOT what I, and all as I, are capable of becoming and living here.  In that, I understand that the mind as it exists currently is not functioning in a way that is best for all within-as in ones mind/body/beingness OR without-as in the world systems.

Emotion and Feeling

When and as I see myself going into fear, anger, blame, helplessness/hopelessness around the word ‘impossible’ and the thought, ‘This is useless, I am being a fool again, I cannot heal my eyes, it is impossible’ I remind myself  ‘no more, I do not accept/allow my awareness, my who I am, to be defined within/as such energies’.  I stop. I breathe, and I commit me to change, as I now understand how these energies control my behavior and my actions to be that of apathy, compliance, and giving up using the excuse of ‘human nature’ and how you can’t change human nature and you can’t change the world and so…I don’t.

Physical Reactions and Behaviors

When and as I see myself allowing physical reactions/changes to occur within my body-through fear and apathy-within my accepted relationship to & associations with the word ‘impossible’ I stop and breathe, I relax and focus on the sounds around me and what is here in my reality/my day to get grounded, as I now realize how I am instructing, layer by layer, my body to respond to words-as words are codes within the physical- and are alive as a force/are part of a sequence of how the physical behaves and so I commit to take greater responsibility within the words I speak so to change the relationship from one of harm, to one of harmony, to make each part of the  physical aware, so as to ‘..assist each other as part and as whole to a more sustainable functioning unit that will be best for all parts.’  Bernard Poolman

Consequence Dimension 

When and as I see myself having gone so far down the rabbit hole with this thought pattern & relationship to the word ‘impossible’,  that I have manifested consequence, I realize I cannot change what has occurred but I can continue my process to prevent further consequence in the future, by stopping participation within the mind of consciousness and remaining diligent to be here-using breath awareness-also by being aware of the words I speak so I eventually become the living word-as self-responsible- instead of just living unaware and thus having to react to what I create/manifest all the time, not realizing I created it in the first place!  In that, I now understand by becoming/standing in full responsibility I am no longer helpless/hopeless but a directive force/being alive and able to support and assist another.

Re-Defining the Word ‘Impossible’:

Impossible =  Im-Possible = I’m Possible        I” m- Poss- Pull       I’m- Pulling

So as I forgive ( fore-give) this, I am gifting to myself-even before I receive it- the possibility of change of growth and repair of the physical eye, so it may learn /become aware with me and take steps to heal/reconstitute and so re-gain it’s closer range, focusing/functioning abilities.

Impossible:  I’m possible, in that the trinity I exist as, of mind/body/beingness, is the actual manifestation of ‘possible/possibilities’, being in the process of becoming life as the living word in the physical, and so I become the directive principal of me here, thus no longer search outside of myself but realize all is me, within and without, and I take full responsibility of what occurs in both universes and direct both in awareness, moment by moment with breath.  As ‘I’m possible’ I am pulling this life force/awareness into myself in the very movement of investigation, participation and integration to become part of  my whole self to create what is best for all.

Blogs:

• Day 367: Investigating Human Rights

• Day 366: The Human Right of Individuality

  Day 365: Is God a Fundamental Human Right?

• Day 363: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part One)

• Day 364: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part Two)

• DAY 362: Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation

• Day 368: “Please Save a Child”

• Check out the Desteni I Process Lite –
  a FREE course that will assist humanity to end the disaster of a dysfunctional consciousness.
• Check out the Equal Money System –
  a solution that can be established in this lifetime to end the disaster of a profit driven system.

Day 143: ‘Impossible’ Taking Responsibility for my Relationship to Words 3

Please read the previous 2 posts for context to this blog .   From Day 141:  The next word I will examine and deconstruct, in relation to my eyesight is ‘impossible’. Interesting word on many fronts, it is actually an end point, a final bowing out, an admission stating, ‘I am powerless to change this’ , like a death.  Only thing is, when I hang on to the belief that x is impossible within my ‘story of Sandy’, meaning my mind of thought/feelings/emotions, I am thrust into relating to the word from ‘her perspective’ ,so this then becomes  my relationship to the word-thus it is wrought with helplessness, hopelessness, dis-empowerment. It is basically a giving up,  like a permission to give up because x is impossible after all, no point trying you will fail.  Who says?  The past says so, memories  say so, information and knowledge from school and books says so,  the intellectual says so , the elite and corporation and government says so…

Self-Commitment Statements and Self-Corrective Application Statements

Thought Dimension: 

 The Thought  ‘This is useless, I am being a fool again, I cannot heal my eyes, it is impossible!’

When and as I see myself going into/participating within this thought pattern around the word ‘impossible’ I immediately stop myself and bring my awareness back to the physical, to breath, as I now understand within the forgiving I am gifting myself in a spontaneous act to be possible, as in for-before and giving-giving to myself, and so state, ‘no more do I allow my awareness, my who I am, to be defined within/as such a word, as I am in a process of changing impossible to possible within changing the governing principals of the eye, which controls  the flexibility of the crystalline lens, from diminishment to expansion/correction, in every here moment.

Fear Dimension:

When and as I see myself reacting within/as fear around the word ‘impossible’, fearing the total/partial loss of my eyesight, I stop myself and state, ‘No, I will not go into a reaction of fear’ and I breathe and focus what is real, here within the physical as I now realize the fear in itself  is quite useless (in this case) as it does not change reality, I do not know if my eyes/physical will respond ‘in kind’ to this process-whether I will ‘succeed’ – but either way I am learning/expanding my understanding of myself as a physical unit made up of billions of  parts (organs/cells/tissue/blood/etc.) and we are ‘in this together’ and so an increased awareness will/is occurring, which can only be beneficial.

Imagination Dimension:

When and as I see myself going into my mind of imagination around  the word ‘impossible’, with all it’s relationships and associations of failure/catastrophe/giving up/loss of eyesight/aging, I pull myself out of my mind of moving pictures and back down to earth, get grounded, I  feel my feet on the ground and take a deep breath reminding myself I am a physical being, as I now understand nothing changes when I am lost in my mind of imagination/moving pictures, I am putting myself forward in time or back in time and not here where my life is, I cannot effectively direct myself within my day/move/get things done  when I ‘m lost in thought/imagination.  In that , I also realize  when I imagine something as impossible, I am instructing  all of the cells within my physical body and of my eyes the same-impossible- as we are all parts of the same unit, lastly, I now understand I have created a relationship of finality around this word/an end point and I commit to say ‘no’ to this association and to move myself within my day and my world, to create a world of equality and cooperation within, as my mind/body/beingness, and without as in the world systems, to create a new world system that is best for all, through Equal Money Capitalism.

Blogs:

• Day 367: Investigating Human Rights

• Day 366: The Human Right of Individuality

  Day 365: Is God a Fundamental Human Right?

• Day 363: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part One)

• Day 364: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part Two)

• DAY 362: Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation

• Day 368: “Please Save a Child”

• Check out the Desteni I Process Lite –
  a FREE course that will assist humanity to end the disaster of a dysfunctional consciousness.
• Check out the Equal Money System –
  a solution that can be established in this lifetime to end the disaster of a profit driven system.

Day 142: Impossible: Taking Responsiblility for my Relationship to Words Part 2

Please read the previous post for context to this blog.

Form Day 141:  The next word I will examine and deconstruct, in relation to my eyesight is ‘impossible’. Interesting word in many ways, it is actually an end point, a final bowing out, an admission stating, ‘I am powerless to change this’ , like a death.  Only thing is,  when I hang on to the belief that x is impossible within the ‘story of Sandy’/my own ‘religion of self’, meaning my mind of thought/feelings/emotions, I am thrust into relating to the word from ‘her perspective’ and this is my relationship to the word-thus it is wrought with helplessness, hopelessness, disempowerment. It is basically a giving up,  like a permission to give up because x is impossible after all, no point even trying as you will fail.  Who says so?  The past says so, memories say so, information and knowledge from school and books says so,  the intellectual community says so , the elite & corporation & government says so.

Thought Dimension:    ‘This is useless, I am being a fool again, I cannot heal my eyes, it is impossible!’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become ‘impossible’ and as ‘impossible’ to beLIEve I am incapable–being separate from/a singularity  all other parts of  my physical body, world and universe–to  expand /grow / change my understanding and thus abilities, as life here, to support and assist my eyes to realign with their natural state of functionality that existed just a few years ago, as in the ability to focus at close ranges. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word ‘impossible’ as an absolute end point, a death, and thus abdicating my responsibility and I blame time/moments passing as in the current design of the human physical eyes to deplete/become inflexible/contract with age.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am a fool/wrong to investigate this point because of what the past has shown me and I have incorporated this past, as memories, into and as my mind of consciousness, so that I believe/worship (as the religion of self)  the idea that I cannot reconstitute/heal my eyes based on history, what I have learned from books/school/doctors/media, and from the world systems of money (big money in the glasses and contact lens industry  not to mention advertisement and doctors)/government/corporations, being the people in power of what information I am constantly and continuously exposed to. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to follow instead of lead, as in becoming the ‘fear of failure’ character going into a state of apathy and resignation.

Fear Dimension:  

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word impossible, as ‘it is impossible for the eyes to regain their focusing ability’ from the starting point/foundation of fear, as I fear growing older and becoming more dependent on the medical industry and caregivers, suffering and eventual death.  In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being without my contact lenses and/or reading glasses so not being able to see if there was some unforeseen event and I lost them and could not replace them, and be thrown in a state of panic as I cannot function/take care of myself well, without these aids.

Imagination Dimension:

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine -many times-a catastrophic event, in which I did not have my contact lenses or reading glasses and it being very frustrating and frightening. Why would I bother having a moving playing in my head like this?  Because it is something I fear, so I have to some extent obsessed this point, as well I have seen this in movies and some scenes have been embedded in my mind/consciousness as a file/picture that pops up,   Dustin Hoffman, Papillon, for one such example.  In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine my mother/other senior people in a wheelchair aged and helpless, and to form a relationship/association with ‘impossible’ and ‘old’.

Internal Conversation and Backchat Dimension

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage/participate within the following chatter inside my own head-which is just a sample over a lifetime, around my relationship and associations to the word ‘impossible‘ :  ‘just let it go, there’s nothing you can do about it, I  hate being helpless, I hate rich people (lol, to most I am ‘rich’),  you can’t do that , you can’t go there, don’t bother, don’t bang your head against the wall, I hate it but it’s impossible, why are we put in this vulnerable position, this life sucks, growing old as a design just sucks and is useless and a stupid design, it is hopeless, I am helpless, it is totally useless to try’ AND spirituality:  ‘it’s not meant to be, there is a power greater than me that knows why, my higher power is not to be questioned, just trust, just have faith, just think positive, you are being protected, love is the most powerful force in the world and you are loved so fear not, blah, blah’ AND more specifically around my eyesight, ‘I wish I didn’t  have such bad eyesight, I wonder how bad my eyes will get as I get older?, what a f** idiot I am to even think I can challenge ‘impossible’,  it scares me to think my eyes could get worse, my poor mom and all those seniors in her nursing home, I don’t want to be in that situation, I wish I could assist them to heal themselves.’

Emotion and Feeling

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the following emotions, around my relationship to the word ‘impossible’ :   fear, hopelessness and helplessness because I cannot change the situation of my eyesight deteriorating, anger and resentment at god/a creator who would design the physical so it slowly loses all it’s functionality and causes the human pain, sadness  because I cannot change the fact of decline and death and superiority-like ‘oh ya, I like a good challenge, don’t tell me what I can and I can’t do’ and then fear I will have to ‘eat my words’ and fear of embarrassment. AND the feeling of hope and curiosity, as I have experienced some events in my life that would be considered ‘impossible’.

Physical Reactions and Behaviors

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the following physical reactions as associations to the word impossible:  first the reaction to fear as :tension within shoulders and back and neck muscles, tightening and unease within my solar plexes, a stiff jaw and teeth clenching, FOLLOWED BY  a reaction of apathy and depression which produces a general overall tiredness, a heaviness within the entire body and weighing down of my shoulders, slumped/hunched back and heavy eyelids.

Consequence Dimension 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to several consequences, within my relationship and associations to the word ‘impossible’. Some of which are the following :  to be enslaved in an automated system-and thus to enslave my eyes and all their parts- which is currently programmed to diminish over time, to live unaware of my eyes and their parts and how they are functioning -and thus for my eyes and all their parts to exist unaware-as well- of the possibility that we (as we are all life in/as the same unit) can heal and maintain a healthy functioning unit.  Thus not acting as the directive principal of myself/my body, moving myself in a sequence of events to follow the path which ensures and sustains optimum health of the whole unit, that comprise the human physical body.  But instead,  to be in a state of helplessness to a program, that does not serve the eyes to retain focus ability, and the eyesight diminishes.

To continue

Blogs:

• Day 367: Investigating Human Rights

• Day 366: The Human Right of Individuality

  Day 365: Is God a Fundamental Human Right?

• Day 363: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part One)

• Day 364: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part Two)

• DAY 362: Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation

• Day 368: “Please Save a Child”

• Check out the Desteni I Process Lite –
  a FREE course that will assist humanity to end the disaster of a dysfunctional consciousness.
• Check out the Equal Money System –
  a solution that can be established in this lifetime to end the disaster of a profit driven system.

Day 141: ‘Impossible’ Taking Responsibility for my Relationship to Words

The next word I will examine and deconstruct, in relation to my eyesight is ‘impossible’. Interesting word on many fronts, it is actually an end point, a final bowing out, an admission stating, ‘I am powerless to change this’ , like a death.  Only thing is, when I hang on to the belief that x is impossible within my ‘story of Sandy’, meaning my mind of thought/feelings/emotions, I am thrust into relating to the word from ‘her perspective’ and this is my relationship to the word-thus it is wrought with helplessness, hopelessness, disempowerment. It is basically a giving up,  like a permission to give up because x is impossible after all, no point trying you will fail.  Who says?  The past says so, memories  say so, information and knowledge from school and books says so,  the intellectual says so , the elite and corporation and government says so.

Apparently,  it is quite acceptable, in today’s world, to wash your hands of any and all responsibility to any breakdown of the human body, including ones eyes as I am facing here, as it is god/the way it is /the circle of life/the universe/whatever and not in fact ourselves–as part of that ‘force’ one gives all power to. Well, if that force/god encompasses all,  ARE WE NOT PART OF THAT ‘ALL’?   Yup, so why do we abdicate our responsibility?  That is all I am doing here, removing blame and self-pity and beginning a process of investigation.

Oh, it is ok to hope…yes that ‘s catchy and allows me be a compliant and complacent slave, to exist within the current construct of this world and its systems BUT do not take your hope to a loud stage (unless you are running for office, lol)  just do not let your hope manifest into any action/deed that will threaten the way we exist in/as a profit driven society today. So ‘hope’ quietly please.

So, within the finality of the word ‘impossible’ I must face it as an end, a death, so the end of ‘the story of Sandy’. This requires giving up the mind absolutely, as I have been using /participating as and within it (consciousness) throughout my entire life. Quite an extensive process, to say the least, from consciousness to awareness and is what I and several others are busy with, within the  JTL blogging and the Desteni I Process course.

It is spring and all around I see small green sprouts, buds coming slowly but surely on the large oaks, new blades of grass pushing through the surface of the soft earth. REBIRTH IS ALL AROUND but I will approach this rebirth from a new starting point, one of  expansion, a re-substantiating what is already here, a re-building/reconstituting  AS ALL IS SUBSTANCE ONE AND EQUAL, GOING ROUND AND ROUND  so why not see if we can change the existing relationship and learn to work together with substance-each particle/cell/molecule as that is all/what you are, a universe of cells within, a universe of planets without, moving in/as an agreed upon sequence/pattern BUT without awareness of each other as life-yes individual but together making up the whole.

Within this exercise/experiment I realize, there is no failure, the failure would be to not stand up, to not walk through a process of self-exploration-point by point as everything is built this way/follows a pattern this way,  for myself and all as myself, to begin the journey of working with my eyes to restore their function and functionality to that of optimal operating ability, so the eyes are able to remain in focus throughout ones life.

To continue, deconstucting the word ‘impossible’ within the thought:  ‘This is useless, I am being a fool again, I cannot heal my eyes, it’s impossible!’

Blogs:

• Day 367: Investigating Human Rights

• Day 366: The Human Right of Individuality

  Day 365: Is God a Fundamental Human Right?

• Day 363: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part One)

• Day 364: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part Two)

• DAY 362: Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation

• Day 368: “Please Save a Child”

• Check out the Desteni I Process Lite –
  a FREE course that will assist humanity to end the disaster of a dysfunctional consciousness.
• Check out the Equal Money System –
  a solution that can be established in this lifetime to end the disaster of a profit driven system.

Day 112: I Never Paid Back My Dad: Deep Sadness and Regret 4

PROBLEM

Uhhhhgggg, back to this. It is what it is, emotions existing within and as me that are useless and only harm my physical body, so to continue with this process of ridding myself of the memories, existing within the muscle tissue/fiber of the flesh, so they do not come up over and over again in a continual time loop, causing me to live from the starting point of the past, as a character/personality I have created. Let us continue with this process of eliminating ‘the debtor’.

I am sad and often plagued by regret and guilt that I borrowed money, over a period of about 12 years, from my father and he has since passed away.

So the problem is living as the personality of ‘the debtor/the borrower’ today, even though I do not participate in the behavior anymore. To solve this /change it, one must proceed fearlessly, delve into it, see it clearly, why did it happen, what am I hanging onto?  And then be/live the change so as to not repeat it.

SOLUTION

 Walking a 7 year process of applying self-forgiveness and living a self-corrective application with each breath throughout one’s day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become regret and as regret think ‘why, why do I do that? Oh shit, I was always asking for money,  how f**n disappointing is that for him as a parent? I worried him and he felt so much guilt, what a f***n mess it all was, and now he is gone forever, and there is nothing I can do about it.’

When and as I see myself going into this thinking I stop myself and go back to breath here, as I now see/realize/understand it is useless as it does not change the past, it leads me into further mind pictures/memories/emotions that are harmful to my human physical body, my dad understood I was a single parent and I was struggling with raising the children basically on my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I am going into my mind of imagination with pictures and memories of : seeing him helping me moving to the house we are in now, being on the phone with him and him asking me if paying off my second mortgage will end my money troubles and me lying saying ‘yes’, him being angry that I used his credit card number without asking him to pay for a tooth to be removed, him loaning me money for part of a down payment to get a home 3 years after my marriage ended and we lost all our equity, him being upset and confused on the phone when I had to ask for money so my second home purchase would go through or I would be sued as I was drinking heavily at the time of purchase and did not account for the necessary money needed, him being upset about a loan my ex-husband promised to pay him back and never did and feeling terribly guilty about it, him giving me gas/grocery money almost each time I would visit my parent up north after they retired and I brought up the kids for a visit.

Why do I allow myself to do this over and over? Because I am desiring to somehow resolve the past by thinking about it, I do not want to accept the consequence that I hurt/caused my dad pain/anxiety/worry/stress as I feel guilty about it, I am not trusting my process of stopping thoughts because I do not completely understand what it means to stabilize myself here in physical equality and oneness-like how is that going to solve anything?

When and as I see myself falling into my mind of imagination of the past around this issue I immediately bring my awareness back to the physical with breath and remain here, as I now understand I cannot effectively direct myself/my day if I am lost in thoughts/pictures in my mind, of the past, it does not change the past and so is a waste of time, I no longer allow myself to exist from/as the starting point of the past as memory experiences as this is not life but a pre-programmed response and thus I am not changing,  I no longer allow myself to wallow in self-pity and use alcohol as an excuse to not make responsible financial choices/decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am engaging in backchat around this issue, of all the money I borrowed from my dad (and mom) over the years. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realized I blamed my parents, my father in particular, for my circumstances during these years and justified this blame through backchat of: ‘Well, I’m only in this lousy situation because I married a man like him (my father), anyway he has lots of money it won’t affect their lives at all, I hope I am not the reason they didn’t get the house on the golf course (lol-some problem), well they always say I my schooling cost them/ I cost them the least amount of any of their children and I was the ‘easiest’ of their children so I can ask now/use the money now,  it’s for the children not me, it’s because he beat me down emotionally I’m in this predicament, he was verbally abusive so that’s why I’m such a loser/mess, I’ll  pay him back, they can just take it out of my inheritance, I need it now not later in life ,this is the last time I ‘ll ask him for a loan, I can’t lose my house again, I have to do this , just have a few drinks and then call him..’

As well, I now realize I blamed my mom for not sticking up more for us kids when my father became abusive and I was somewhat jealous of her (and my sister) for having such an ‘easy life compared to mind’ as they had husbands who made very good income and were very stable this way. So I justified borrowing over and over by telling myself /engaging in backchat of : ‘She (my mom) never had to make/earn a dime in her life, it was all given to her from my dad’s hard work, what does she care, what difference does it make, she never had to worry about paying even one bill her whole life, I have so much stress, she has no stress, it’s for the kids for gods sake…’

When and as I see myself beginning to participate in backchat about this issue of borrowing from my parents, my dad in particular, I stop and I breathe, remind myself I am physical as I now see/understand my father is walking his own process in the dimensions now and we are all one and equal, I stopped this behavior with my mom some years ago now and wrote her a letter explaining what happened to me with regards to the trouble with my mind and alcoholism and she was very gracious about it, I am not at all spiritual anymore/listening to my mind, I do not and have not used alcohol (zero) for 9 years now and I just enjoy music and do not engage in fantasy about success anymore and so I am able to act financially responsible today and my mom sees this and my children see this, I cannot change the past but I have changed how I live in each moment, I continue on with the task at hand grateful I am whole- body, mind, beingness- so I am able to contribute to creating a world that is best for all, nothing I would rather do!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am participating in the following emotions around this issue: sadness, regret, guilt, remorse, self-criticism, self-blame, self-pity,  blame of another, anger, jealousy, comparison and shame.

Why am I  participating with sadness, regret and guilt? (being the 3 major emotions that come up within/as me)

Because I realize I acted irresponsibly with money, decision making recklessly, living recklessly as drinking alcoholically and listening/following my mind as in spirituality thinking my dreams (night dreams)  and inspirations were from a ‘higher power’, writing music instead of facing my life in reality and getting full time employment and thus a reliable (or fairly reliable) steady income to meet my monthly expenses instead of only making a medium but not enough income through various ways using my home, not having the courage to work outside the home, using being a single mom as an excuse to not ‘face the world’, using ‘low self-esteem’ as an excuse to not face my fears of my life being ‘not the way I envisioned it should be’, using lethargy/apathy as an excuse, using the cold/long winters of the city I live in as an excuse of not wanting to take the kids to school or daycare before work as in it would be too difficult/uncomfortable. When the truth is my life was-in one way-quite fun and easy  (when the kids went to their dad’s place) hanging out with musicians, drinking, partying.  I just avoided life/my situation (having children and virtually no money) by going into debt, over and over, and then borrowing.

When and as I see myself going into emotions around this issue I immediately stop myself and go back to my physicality with /as breath awareness, as I now see/realize/understand none of this was my Dad’s responsibility and it was fully mine, as I had my children in full awareness, no one forced me to and it is not his fault the path my life took, I choose the path of spirituality and alcohol instead of facing myself and acting responsibly. I also realize he loved me and was mostly very eager/happy to assist me in this way. I realize he for the most part had enough money to have a very enjoyable life and wanted for nothing.

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