Day 66: Men Think I’m Stupid part 3: Freeing Myself of This Belief

Free Yourself

Please refer to Day 64 and Day 65 for context to this blog.

I commit to assist and support myself, to stop myself whenever I am possessed by the thought, ‘men think I’m stupid’ as I now see/realize/understand this thought comes from within ME and therefore, it is  my responsibility to no longer allow myself to blame/project it outward onto another but to remind myself that whether it is true or not- I know I am not stupid- and to breathe and bring myself out of my mind of memories and thought and back to physical reality and then to express how I am experiencing myself in that moment, if appropriate, (or whatever voicing/action is required) and trust myself to respond/engage in a manner that will be assisting to all and not just me in separation/ego.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, stop all such connections of the thought ‘men think I’m stupid’ to the past, as memories, of my father suggesting  I/my siblings are not as intelligent/capable/competent in comparison to others as I now see/realize/understand to do so isolates me in my mind of illusion and puts an end to any effective communication/interaction with others, as it ‘pits me against them’/puts me on the defensive and not part of a meaningful verbal exchange. Furthermore, I  remind myself I am here and I am not a helpless child but a capable adult who can offer assistance/ask for clarification/not engage in polarities of superior & inferior/or if necessary, leave an abusive situation. Thus, instead of simply reacting to my pre-progamming, out of fear of rejection from past experience, I realize I do not have to ‘fight’/prove myself to anyone but can co-operate and co-exist in equality when I stay calm and present and focus on the matter at hand.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, to stop myself whenever I am directed/controlled by fear that maybe I am stupid and should stay silent & of being seen as inferior/disposable by a man because he uses a certain tone and vocabulary that I interpret as harsh/belittling and connecting this to my father’s tone/wordings, as I now see/realize/understand ones tone/wording is just that, theirs, and does not reflect on me/who I am, as I remain constant/stable with breath as who I am here. Also, I commit to remind myself my disapproval/accusations/interpretation of another’s actions/communication style could be incorrect and does not change things if I react, and is not supportive to the other in anyway but only serves to escalate a situation, to see who will ‘win’ & that my reaction, as fear, serves no real purpose but as a defense mechanism of the mind to supposedly ensure I prove myself worthy so this person does not reject me and, thereby, is self-interest and not based on what is best for all involved.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, stop all participation/engaging with nasty inner chatter/voices in the head when in a situation/conversation with a man thinking ‘he thinks I am stupid’ as I now see/realize/understand to do so is guessing what he is thinking and therefore quite insane, I become the aggressor in my mind with sexist remarks, lumping all men together, I am judging another in separation of myself and I am also then talking to myself-inside my own head-and not even listening/participating fully in the REAL conversation going on, so I am greatly limiting my effectiveness to direct myself in any clear/supportive way so we have the opportunity to create/share/learn/grow in relationship to each other. I remind myself, to engage in such inner conversation is to get involved with memories-which over the years have been changed to suit me so they cannot be trusted-  and so I commit to trust myself here, so to not back away in fear/shyness but to voice myself (unless it is clearly an abusive situation in which I would remove myself) here in the moment.

I commit myself to stop myself before I get to the point of participation/experiencing the onslaught of emotions that inevitably occur in these situations but if/when I do find myself at that point I commit to stop and breathe, slow myself /my thinking down and get out of my mind and back down to earth, to feel my feet on the ground, touch myself to remind myself I AM PHYSICAL, as I now see/realize/understand I cannot effectively direct myself if I am overtaken by emotion and I will have nothing of value to add/contribute if I am being controlled by this energy running wild.  I am therefore not living as the directive principal of me but as a mind machine that is on automatic pilot, just reacting and not really living, free to express myself, but chained to the past.

I commit myself to be aware of and stop all such subsequent behavioral changes in my physical body in these situations by using my breath to bring myself /snap myself out of my mind of /as energy and back to physical reality as I now see/realize/understand I am only harming myself, allowing this energy to effect/alter my very physicality by allowing the energy to eat away/consume the flesh to turn it into further mind energy, thereby strengthening the mind and not my body.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop all participation in imaginings in my mind, as moving pictures/fantasy, in situations where I feel threatened by a certain kind of man I judge as harsh/feel inferior/believe he thinks I’m stupid, as I now see/realize/understand I don’t know what he thinks and I could be wrong, I can leave a situation that I feel is abusive, I can speak up in a responsible way-NOT OUT OF REACTION-but trust myself to remain calm with breath and communicate self-honestly using common sense, I do not have to defend/be a spokes person for the message of equality to someone who cannot hear the message as this is useless and a waste of time. I remind myself using the imagination only further strengthens my mind of energy and not me here, and as such I am completely existing in limitation and not from the starting point of growth/expression/oneness and equality and this is no longer acceptable to me.

I commit myself to stop myself from timelooping with this issue, as it is my issue-coming from my own mind-it is my responsibility to stop the separation/the blame/accusations and face myself in self-honesty, and face another as me, and refuse to participate in thoughts of men not liking me/thinking I’m stupid and just stay with what is real in that moment, not cower and run, but to stand/exemplify and treat another as I would want to be treated, so not talk down, try to out smart, get emotional, bring in the past, thereby to stop endangering relationships that I value, thus to stand firm in my decision and not let the mind ‘take over’ in these types of situations so as to, eventually, transcend the thought once and for all and to walk this decision daily, as life, one and equal.

Investigate the 7 Year Journey to Life Blogs of individuals walking their Process of SELF-Change, Self Responsibility through the processes of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

Any questions/clarification visit the Desteni Forums HERE.

Also investigate the Desteni I Process LITE (Free Course) and the Desteni I Process PRO, as the practical structural process that respectively Introduce one to the Mind and Walk one through the Mind, in firstly understanding the Mind and then how to assist/support self into and as real, living, self-change.

Show your vote for a Life where all have value at www.equalmoney.org

Mind Control, Amazingly cool documentaries to watch that explain in Detail how we got here:

Social Engineering in the 20th century

Psywar,

The Century of Self,

The Trap,

The Power Principle

Day 53: Stressed out by The Little Things part 3:Why do I torture myself with these thoughts?

Now that I have looked at a morning of anxiety and applied self-forgiveness and a self-corrective application, I want to examine WHY would I do this to myself? Obviously, the problem is not that I did it one morning, that was to slow it down and examine it in detail, the problem is it is quite CONSTANT, if not all day, each day there is stress, anxiety, worry as I move throughout the day, about the little things in life. So I will use writing and self-forgiveness to start with the process  of determining the ‘WHY’. This topic will be revisited several times over the years as/when needed/it comes up in my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘there’ is not enough, as in I’m not enough, I’m not good enough, to accomplish what needs to be done in my day. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am incompetent. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a picture of my ex-mother in law (also ex-sister-in-law) to this thought and think, ‘they are highly competent women’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this thought to a memory of being at the family ski chalet with them, when the children were young, and they both assisted in getting the 3 little ones (including my 2 children) fed/dressed/geared up for skiing and out the door and I was still not even dressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ski chalet memory to the thought, ‘Their husband’s respect them and did not leave them, my husband saw a bumbling idiot and lost interest in me and left me.’

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist, within and as me, of seeing the two women being quick/decisive/getting things done and have time to spare for relaxation but I could not seems to do this (we spent MANY weekends together at the family cottage and ski chalet over a 12 year period) and engage/participate in the following backchat/inner mind chatter; ‘how do they do that? I wish I could be like them. I look like a fool in comparison. My husband must notice, I need to put on make up and get dressed up for dinner and make sure my husband and I make love, I don’t want him to fool around on me, make sure you satisfy him Sandy, look pretty, oh shit its getting late, I should help with dinner, wait …how did she get the dinner prepared, have her shower and look gorgeous and be sitting there reading and her husband’s offering to get her a glass of wine? I could never do that and she put the baby down for the night and the other children are all bathed and watching a movie, while I had a quick nap, fuck I can’t do that , I’m such a loser, gotta try, no I’ll never do that, I hate them, wine will help……just act confident, that will be good’.

In that, In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so preoccupied, with constant and continuous inner chatter-living up in my mind- that I would overwhelm and exhaust myself so I could not possibly move with ease/peace/grace from one task to another and enjoy myself , basically ever.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing/understanding that rushing/trying desperately to get/be/do more, to make up for ‘not enough’ from a starting point of ‘I’m not good enough’ just produced failure and a feeling of failure, over and over again, in that I would give up before I mastered or completed a simple or new/larger task/goal/project and not be able to follow simple, repetitive, tasks through to completion (as everything created- from the large to the small-making a meal or learning how to play the piano-is always comprised of one point followed by another point), always stopping, self-sabotaging, to listen to my backchat- as experience from the past- so the past would play out, again and again.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand how this related to my experience as a child with my father.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have memories, pictures and most of all FEAR of my father, exist within and as me of the following: coming in the front door after school in fear/hesitation, of never knowing if my father would be home (and not my mom) and if he would be drinking, knowing if he was drinking I could be the target of his vicious verbal attacks, my father making racist remarks about a person or a tv show/movie, making sexists remarks about women and girls (suggesting little girls are purposefully seductive), that black people are inferior, that women are inferior, that white men are superior, of questioning/challenging him on this and him blatantly saying ‘its not just what I think, its the truth’, of me saying ‘Ok, we can agree to disagree’ and him saying ‘No, we can’t, I’m right’, of my father watching me in a running race in primary school and when it was over him saying to someone, ‘Sandy always tries hard but she never wins’, him being very angry with me as he told me to help prepare dinner one night and saying, ‘don’t you even know how to chop vegetables’ and him showing me in a very impatient and critical manner, of him making fun of me as a teenager experimenting with make- up saying to my aunt and uncle, ‘she blackens her eyes so no one will look at her nose’ (that I had the family ‘big’ nose), of him saying to my sister and I (when I was probably about 12) ‘if you two sluts ever get pregnant, I’ll kick you from here to New York’, of him saying at my engagement party, ‘I’m going to travel after this no matter who is getting married’, of his voice when he was angry with me saying ‘Sandra’ very stern and frightening, of him asking my sister and I ‘didn’t your mother even talk to you girls about menstrating?’ of him being very critical, mean, impatient, frightening with my siblings on many occasions about chores/homework/grades-report cards/friends/being out late/going out with friends to parties/life decisions, of him saying that children’s aid is going to take my sisters children away from her (ridiculous, as she was an excellent parent).

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the memory, within and as me of knowing, growing up in my father’s home, nothing was open for discussion, children are not to question/talk back, and it was not said that often but I knew to shut up/be quiet and ‘take it’ and just get through it and so I LEARNED TO SUPPRESS THE INJUSTICE I FELT AND KNEW WAS WRONG.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have memories exist within and as me of my siblings challenging my dad and ‘getting it’ physically (not often) or more often verbal threats of violence/insults/accusations/just plain crazy talk should they continue and so I chose to live in the shadows as much as possible , to keep safe, in the family and hid in my room but would listen at the door of my bedroom to the fighting/insults/threats my dad would hurl at them. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt that they were getting the abuse and not me (I was also the youngest and I believe this is why he left me alone more than the others).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize/understand  his comments/opinions were just his incompetency as a parent, his own demons, his battle of being overwhelmed with 4 children and his alcoholism and I did not need to take them personally or incorporate them into my very beingness and carry them within/as me through life.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize/understand I have taken on this ‘incompetent’ character and lived it as me, beLIEving the lie– that these memories/thoughts/fears/emotions/pictures in my mind–are me, when they are not me, but a running/live program that exists within my very flesh as the mind embodiment/physical mind, making it impossible for me to direct myself here, in each moment as the breath of life, stealing my very life, as I am constantly preoccupied with this incompetent character chattering away to me!

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought, ‘I am not good enough, I’m incompetent’ to fear of my second husband  leaving me for being weak/insecure/frazzled and the fear of him criticizing me/suggesting I am a failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and self-interest in thinking my husband could dump me because I’m not good enough/competent/strong enough/’together’  and I would be lonely and poor.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to now always be fearful/on guard of  possible verbal attack/accusation of not doing a job well enough/being picked on just because I was there to pick on.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in a constant state of fear that I can not get the little things done in each day because of past programming that continually tells me I am incompetent/not good enough/will be attacked/will be put down and rejected, and as this barrage of thoughts tires me/wears me down  I give up and have used outside substances-food, shopping, appearance, obsessed about my home, money, alcohol, sleep, sleeping medication, as an escape from this ball and chain, unfortunately proving to myself once again, this is indeed true as I fail at things/do a mediocre job; marriage, career, appearance, songwriting, playing guitar or piano, etc.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, because of past programming be always hesitant/careful/doubting/second guessing/looking over my shoulder /in a state of fear/always unsure  that I have made the right choice/decision/done a good enough job as someone/my husband in particular will put me down/be angry/judgemental/criticize and perhaps leave me/abandon me.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and controlled by fear of rejection/loss because I am not good enough.

To Continue

Day 51: Stressed Out Crazy Woman: The Little Things part 1

For the past 5 weeks I have been working 2 jobs: a daycare in my home and foreign students boarding with us and I have been experiencing increasing  anxiety, a flood of thoughts and reactions concerning the little things that need to be done, in my day. In the next number of posts, I will tackle this personality, the totally stressed out, crazy, middle aged woman. As I hesitate now, thinking, it seems too much, impossible to remember all the thoughts, I realize one begins this process by….well, beginning!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘It is too much, I cannot remember all the thoughts I have had over the last 5 weeks about this overwhelming feeling, there is so much more I need to cover, I’ll never get through it.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear, at following the first thought, as in ‘its too much’ and opening the door to subsequent thoughts telling me why it is too much (whatever ‘it’ is, in this case to cover all the thoughts I had about handling the 2 jobs during a day), beLIEving these thoughts to be me and accepting this fear as me, then letting the fear build into anxiety, in my body, of tightening of my throat/chest/pit of my stomach.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,  ‘there is not enough time’ as in not enough time to get all the little things/jobs done in my day and still have time for process (Desteni I Process) and to ‘be a wife’ (another character for another post).

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to breathe and then immediately rise from bed RIGHT AWAY when I wake up/the alarm goes off,  but instead to lie in bed and allow thoughts to start, re-booting my mind consciousness systems so I am starting my day, once again, as an organic robot of the mind, with the continual/constant running of the program of thoughts, instead of a self-directive being, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let a number of images comes up in my mind, one after another, leading to feeling overwhelmed: dishes, laundry, shopping, running out of food for the ELS (English language Students), the grocery stores I go to, my dog, pictures of the children I have in my daycare, pictures of the ELS staying with us, the doctor’s office, the drive test center, the mammogram clinic, driving with my son, my husband at his office.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/engage/participate in the following thought pattern as backchat/inner conversation:

Shit A. is going to be here in a few minutes, I hope I can get breakfast out for the ELS before they come down, why is T. coming down so early now? It’s like she’s coming down earlier and earlier, why doesn’t she come down at the agreed upon time? She’s just in the fucking way. I havn’t even washed their dishes from yesterday, gotta pack their lunches, shit we’re out of ham, I have to buy more jam and eggs for tomorrow , oh yeah and milk, I wish the kids (daycare children) wouldn’t use the bloody milk,  I don’t want to talk to anyone this morning, I just want my coffee, I wish they would just fucking leave, I can’t wait until they leave, 7 days to go, thank god, I havn’t called my Mom for a week, I have to/should call her, we’re almost out of tp, it’s garbage day, I forgot, now I’m going into a sweat (menopause symptom) fuck when is this going to end, nothing works, I can’t sleep, I have to nap this afternoon and then I don’t have enough time for process (DIP: Desteni I Process) and participation,  Oh shit, A. let the bloody cat in, I’ve told them not to, the students don’t like the cat on the counter,  too much, I hate this, I can’t wait till they leave, oh god , what a bitch I’m being, they are both awesome young women, why am I doing this. Oh yeah, the dentist should have told me it would be an extra $1600 (over and above what my insurance covered) to get this bridge done, that just pisses me off, she has no idea what I have had to go through to pay this bill. Shit, I forgot P. (my son) wants to go for a driving lesson/practice, he still hasn’t got the parking permit for that car his Dad lent him, I forgot gotta pay that parking ticket.Well, there goes my day, I’ll have to pick up the kids from school after that. I wish we could just move, if we move I don’t have to work/earn nearly as much income. Our mortgage is waaay to high. I wish R. (my husband) would agree to move out of the city and we could have no mortgage for god sake! I’m going to search online again and show him houses we can afford. Fuck I wish we could just move. Who needs this fucking stress, bills, bills, bills, we are forever behind. My notes-to do list-is a mess, I have to re-write it, why is it always a mess, why do I write it on such small paper, why do I always have 2?A. (one of the daycare children) is such a pain in the ass, so difficult, it’s my fault I let her manipulate me, I’m not strong/consistent enough for her. And they come so bloody early, I hate that 7am facing her first thing in my day, she’s mean and self-centered, without her it would be so much easier, I’ll tell her mom just till the new year and I’m done, its $700/month so I’ll get a tenant NOT ELS that I have to cook for and include in the family/entertain/act as ‘house mother’ for, just a tenant/student going to a local college, fuck I’m hot and now I’m cold, I don’t know if I’m hot or cold, R. is so cheap he always turns down the heat, fuck, when is this going to stop I can’t stand it (the menopause sweats). A is getting a little better this year, I don’t want to hurt A or her mom’s feelings and make her have to find other daycare, maybe I can stand it. At least I can enjoy a smoke, I shouldn’t smoke, I shouldn’t have lied to the doctor and said I did not smoke, he may not have put me on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) or as strong, if I said I smoked, I don’t smoke much.  Why does A’s mom keep asking me to babysit on a weekend night, I told her I’m not doing that anymore, It’s hard to say no to her, its too much, you look after your own kid, I feel like a bloody slave, she’s like 5 kids in one, its exhausting, you do it and I’ll go out! that so mean of me, she’s a single mom, like I was, its hard, I love them both, I just don’t want to look after her anymore. She ‘s a difficult kid, I’m not good at it, I’m so done…..’

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have these thoughts bring on the reactions of the following emotions and feelings: FEAR: of death/suffering/not enough sleep/of not enough time/of loss/rejection/not enough money/poverty/criticism and the emotions of : anxiety, regret, guilt,  inferiority/less than/not good enough, blame, impatience, judgement of others, self-judgement .

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, subsequently, experience the following behavioral changes in my physical human body:  a tightening in my throat, a tightening in my chest and stomach–all like severe anxiety, difficulty breathing, increase in heart rate (sometimes), shortness of breath, pain from tension in my shoulders and upper back.

Self-Commitment Statements to follow in post:  Day 52

Day 50: How Do you Overcome The Allure of Sleeping Pills? Commitment Statements

Note: Refer to the previous post for context

So after applying self-forgiveness, one must walk the talk, so to speak, and put into practical daily living/practice what you have forgiven so as to not fall back into patterns of repeating the past.  This we do by, first writing and speaking aloud, corrective statements and self-corrective application statements, so ones knows exactly what to do should/when the mind is active in /within this certain character/personality of ‘the addict’ and in this case, specifically the sleeping pill addict.

I commit to never again taking sleeping pills unless it is a prescribed medication necessary for some medical reason. In that I commit to never separating myself from myself because I fear myself, as in my subconscious and unconscious mind communicating to me at night through dreams/nightmares/voices/images as I now see/realize/understand there is nothing to fear as when I do not participate by reacting in fear/anxiety the communication simply stops so it was in my acceptance and allowance that it occurred in the first place.

I commit to trusting myself to investigate thoroughly whenever I am having  mental/physical trouble/occurrence with doctors and/or Desteni and myself as I now see/realize/understand by hiding/ignoring through fear only reinforces/feeds the fear so my decisions are  based from the starting point of fear = my mind and not a stable one and equal hereness of me, & choosing to use a drug, with no outside assistance and support, was not in my best interest/could have been dangerous, as I became addicted/dependent  and could have harmed myself further if I had not found the Desteni Message!

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and walking a daily practical self-corrective application, to spreading the Desteni message that there is indeed a specific/detailed/precise explanation for hearing voices in the head , that one does not need a ‘mental illness’ label and to be on anti-psychotic medication for life (or whatever medication) and told there is no cure for mental illness as I now see/realize/understand this is not true!! (I did not take any medication but self-medicated with alcohol and sleeping pills-do not do this-read the Desteni material instead).

I commit myself to stop myself when I am directed by the emotion of guilt/shame/regret/fear from the memory of taking sleeping pills for 10 years as I now see/realize/understand  I am not able to effectively direct myself here when I am lost in my mind of emotions from the past, it does not change anything and so is a waste of time and I was doing the best I could at the time, as in I thought it was best to ‘protect’ myself and my children, to not  disclose the trouble I was having with my mind during this period of my life and, right or wrong, it did serve the purpose to help me sleep and function.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and walking a daily practical self-corrective application, Stop and Breathe, whenever I have a memory arise within and as me, of my withdrawal process from using sleep aids and the subsequent emotions/feelings of pride, guilt and fear as I now see/realize/understand to follow these thoughts/pictures in my mind only leads me into the energetic reaction of emotion and then the physical bodily changes that follow, and I commit to not using energy in this way-as memory of past experience-to define who I am here, but to stand with breath awareness out of my mind of illusion and continue with my day/the task at hand, as life and not feed/give these memories the power to add another layer of separation in/within me.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a memory come up of how this addiction made it difficult to enter the work force/matrix again, producing the emotions of guilt, shame, regret and fear of loss.  In that also,  for thinking I was ‘damaged’/no longer a whole being, bringing on the reactions/emotions of self-pity, sadness, hopelessness, remorse and  inferiority as I now see/realize/understand I am here and no longer living to acquire shit I don’t want or need by being in the matrix/world of employment as I earn income at home (daycare in my home and tenants).   I realize I have all I need and am grateful to let go of the past and live in a way that is best for all and not just in blind self-interest, as well I now understand I am not damaged but in a process of birthing myself as life in the physical, I remind myself to be grateful for this opportunity to be of true service to myself and all in existence and I get on with my day.

I commit myself to stop and breathe each time I think/have a memory existent within and as me of  ‘oh well, I’ll just get through this day, it doesn’t matter if I nap, it’s almost over’,  and/or participating in a feeling/connecting a feeling of warmth, comfort at the thought of a nap, sleepiness, picture in my mind of my bed, using this as an excuse to sleep/escape instead of face myself/my life/responsibilites in the moment, here, as I now see/realize/understand that, that behavior is not life but a program and it is no longer acceptable to me, existing as an organic robot-beLIEving the lie, as in the first pixel/picture/word that pops up in my head of ‘nap’ for example and then following this first thought down the rabbit hole into the subsequent feelings,  instead of seizing the opportunity of each moment to live/give/and receive in my life, as life!

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever I have thoughts/pictures in my mind/imaginings about what others will think of me/say about me/opinion they will hold of me in relation to my sleeping pill addiction as this stems from my ego and from a starting point of separation from others instead of the starting point of one and equal,  as I now see/realize/understand to continue/follow these memories/imaginings will only lead me into the ego of the emotions of guilt/blame/regret which is a waste of time/does not change the past and ,as such, is useless. Furthermore, these emotions only create energy for the purpose to transform substance/physicality into further mind energy which only serves to harm the physical body as it gets slowly eaten away.

Day 49: Can you break a sleeping pill addiction?

I used over the counter sleep medication for years, about 10 years, not a prescribed narcotic ‘sleeping pill’ but none the less a physical and psychological dependency. I started taking these pills sporadically when I was having trouble with my mind and then also when I found I was waking up, not getting a good sleep, from my alcoholism. One thing leads to another. So I was not falling asleep regularly but passing out and waking up feeling horrible and having difficulty getting back/staying asleep. Also I was experiencing trouble with my mind chatter and not being able to sleep because of the ‘noise’ in my head and being frightened by images/dreams/’messages’/information coming to me while I slept. Quite terrifying.

Desteni freed me from this dependency, no doubt about it, as I now understand and do not fear my mind (of course understanding the mind is a process). I have been free from taking any sleep medication now for one year (and free from alcohol for almost 9 years). Now it is time to free myself from the memories of this addiction, let’s begin!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drug myself so that I could sleep. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to be so afraid of myself, separating me from myself, that I had to drug myself to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know better than doctors what to do with my body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust the medical profession or my family or my ex’s family that they would let the children stay with me (let me raise them) if I told them I was ‘hearing voices’ and couldn’t sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to the extent I placed all my trust /respect /love outside of myself in separation of myself and got so sick I nearly died. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself be influenced by guilt which was triggered by the thought, ‘Now I have a dependency on sleeping pills, I shouldn’t take them but they help me sleep, it is frightening to sleep otherwise and I need sleep to function.’

I forgive myself for being directed by the emotion of pride triggered by the thought, “Soon after I found Desteni and understood what was happening with my mind I no longer let my mind frighten/bully me at night and began withdrawing from this dependency almost right away.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on longer than I needed to , to start withdrawing from the sleep aid thinking/justifying, ‘It’s a comfort to me, it feels good, I don’t drink now so no big deal.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear triggered by the thought, ” I shouldn’t have taken sleep medication, it is a drug, I wonder what the long term effects are of taking these things for years?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt triggered by the thought,”‘It’s difficult for me to get a 9 to 5 job again because of the sleep medication, I am ‘damaged goods’ not a ‘full person’ anymore, oh well, I guess my husband could leave me because I don’t earn a lot of income, I should have married someone with more money.” I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself go into an energetic reaction of sadness and self-pity triggered by the thought, ‘I am damaged goods because I went nuts, drank and then used sleeping pills to survive my mind.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize the use of a sleep aid so I could keep my ‘comfort’ knowing it limited the number of productive hours I have in a day, it is a ball and chain (dependency on a drug is an enslavement) in that I never want to run out or not have them if I am not at home unexpectedly, I need to take them at a precise time each night, they cost money , they make me groggy when I’m awake and cause me to have a rest/nap mid-day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drug myself so I am not able to be a fully functioning participant in my world and I am instead enslaved to sleep and a ‘feeling’ of tiredness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as an escape from my reality with the thought, ‘oh well, I’ll just get through this day, it doesn’t matter if I nap, it’s almost over’, instead of seizing the opportunity of each moment to live/give/ and receive in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by ‘worry’ and ego about what others will think of me, think that I am stupid, less than, undeserving because of my dependency on a sleep medication. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping pills as my alcoholism worsened to be able to ‘get through the night’ and not wake up so early and sleep through part of the ‘hang over’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my dependency on sleep aids from my husband triggered by the thought, ‘He won’t respect me/love me/won’t marry me/ will leave me if he knows I take sleeping pills.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my use of a sleeping aid from others as in my children, family,  friends and people in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) brought up by the thought, ‘They won’t respect me, love me, will abandon me, will say I am still an addict if they know I use a sleep aid.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘Fuck them, I know what I’m doing, I can do what I want, it hurts no one but me, I am doing what I need to survive, ‘if I stop drinking booze but can’t sleep, it just doesn’t work!’  in relation to my use of a sleep aid.

Day 46: How Do I Face What I Have Done? Solution: Commitment Statements part 6

Now that one has got a new starting point/foundation as one has applied self-forgiveness, how do you practically walk/apply this, day to day?  Through the writing and living of commitment statements:

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I have a memory arise within me of when L. would ask what I was drinking, or why I smelt funny, and breathe and not follow these memories further but to stand and gain self-awareness back here in the physical -to what is real and current before me- as I now see /realize/understand it is not by engaging in memories and then emotions and behaviors that things are righted, as I only go into an energetic reaction of guilt that harms me, but it is by directing myself here, and speaking self-honestly in the moment to my daughter that is effective. I realize I have spoken to her several times during my sobriety and made amends and more importantly,  make a daily living amends by being sober and available anytime to/for her.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I allow myself to get to the point of playing out a scene/memory of when I used to hang out at bars and have superficial encounters with men, be elated while getting ready to go out, treat the men I met in bars as ‘insignificant’ without the starting point of one and equal,  as I now see/realize/understand to continue/follow these memories further will only lead me into the emotions of guilt/blame/regret which is a waste of time/does not change the past is a total replay of a replay of a replay …… as such is useless, as this only uses energy from the emotions to transform substance/physicality into further mind energy which only serves to harm the physical body as it gets slowly eaten away. I realize I was not capable at the time to treat these men with the respect they deserve as life, one and equal to me, and I do not allow myself to participate in such behavior now.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and focus back on physical reality each time I have a memory arise about when I used to drink and then call my parents or others. I commit myself to not engage participate in the emotions that subsequently arise of guilt and shame as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible human being/daughter but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application, to stop myself by being aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret/humiliation of the past when a memory/thought /picture arises,  in my mind, of the time when a relative bought gifts for my children at christmas and I had none for her children.  I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.  Furthermore, I see/realize/understand christmas is bullshit/meaningless and, until we create a world that is best for all in equality, I do not participate in christmas (I will in small way so as to not upset/be a rebel in my family, whom I respect) and I know this person and I are one and equal, in fact, and money does not define us, as money will one day disappear and there will be nothing left but the being to face herself (both me and her-not suggesting I have not been guilty of consumerism, I have).

Day 45: Alcoholism: How Do I Face What I Have Done? part 5

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of L. saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I stank of booze through my pores and was sweaty and shaky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, sitting at the bar smoking thinking about the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, I just used them to feed my ego, I used them physically and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I never remembered them and I would brush them off  because I was hung over and feeling like crap, me me me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to those men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me, on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across as a super friendly/flirty/strong/confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, how pathetic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being self-honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better/superior or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex- husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a relative, one Christmas, at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage, a husband who is a ‘good’ guy, and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idiot, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face.  She has positioned herself in the world systems so she ‘has it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck, I am a complete loser and she is so together, why did she have to do that and throw it in my face? She is so insensitive.”

Solution: Facing these consequences as memories With Commitment Statements to follow

Day 44: Commitment Statements : No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction Character part 4

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as the self-directive force of me, here, in each moment of breath. Breaking the chains!

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application, from existing as the past/from the starting point of the past in thinking about how I hurt my children through my drinking-questioning it-mulling it over and over in my mind letting it possess/control my day and each moment, as I now see/realize/understand this does not change the past, what is done is done, and I can now only direct myself here in responsibility to my children, myself and all of humanity, the animal kingdom and nature by standing back up each time I fall, facing myself as fear, the fear I have carried with me as memories of the character of ‘the alcoholic Mom’, fear of the consequences, each time I face this character and refuse to participate in the subsequent thoughts/emotions/feelings, I remove a layer of the memories I have built up over many years, until she will exist no longer.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a memory come up of apologizing to my children for being drunk and the deep regret it brought with it, as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible parent but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application be aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret of the past and believing the past has a hold of myself and/or my son because of my drinking, as I now see/realize/understand we are both here and not the prisoners of the past, as he is doing well in University and holds a job, I am here for him and he knows this, as well, I realize it is a waste of time to hold these memories within and as me, as I can support and assist him and myself more effectively by being here and not lost in my mind of regret.

I commit myself to moment to moment self-awareness so that when memories arise within my consciousness, to take me away from my current reality here,  of drinking and driving and of  P.’s birthday party in the ravine, I stop, I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.

Day 43: No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction character part 3

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as self-directive force here, in each moment of breath. Break the chains!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will L  and P. do without me?…  Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll quit tomorrow.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotion of guilt and self-pity and self-hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done?  How have I harmed my children?’, when it is a waste of time and knowing my children now see me sober, within first AA (alcoholics anonymous) and now within Desteni, a living, breathing, daily, amends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her -once again- how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’ and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this, the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt L. and I was supposed to be her protector.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of P. sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor P. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is slow (within the world systems of school/work) now. He sits in front of his computer for hours at a time. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  having a picture in my mind of P’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back, because I had blacked out, and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bringing up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love P.. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and L. taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. She asked what it was and I said something like ‘It is a special drink for adults. Don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt, shame, regret bringing up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’ Subsequently, I forgive myself for the following behavioral changes in my physical body as I type this:  the muscles in my mid back and chest tightened , my jaw tight and clenched and my breath becoming short and erratic.

Commitment statements to follow.

Day 42: I Can’t Stop Drinking : comittment statements part 2 of Addiction Character

The first thought is like the first drink!  It’s the one that gets you in ‘trouble’ and leads you down the rabbit hole, therefore it is important to be AWARE.  It’s the first drink that gets you drunk-as you have started the chain of events and the train of thoughts/thought patterns that inevitably lead you to certain reactions (emotions and feelings) and then physical body changes  (ie. tension of muscles) as you become more and more  lost in your mind/possessed by your thoughts.

I commit myself to remain here, in awareness with breath, whenever I think I drank alcoholically for 10 years and this topic is too much/big to possibly ‘get through’ and I now see/realize/understand what is done is done, it is no longer reality and a waste of time to ‘go back’ in time in my mind of thoughts, also I will get through this topic the same way I created my alcohol problem, one breath at a time, therefore I commit to slowing down and take it one word at a time and it will get done, as I remain patient with myself.

I commit myself to, through a daily process of writing/self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop myself whenever I think about how I used alcohol to medicate myself, as I now see/realize/understand it was what I was capable of doing to support myself, at the time, and I did not understand what was happening to me (‘hearing voices’) and I now understand, through DIP (Desteni I Process Course) that it was my own mind speaking to me ( I had accessed my own backchat/inner chatter) but it SEEMED LIKE something/someone else was ‘talking back to me’ in my mind. I know this to be true as I was able to stop the thoughts/control it 100% over time.

*Note: you can read my whole story and watch on youtube , links will be added as the days continue.

I commit myself to support and assist others to understand what I have learned, through participating with Desteni, that there is a ‘cure’ for ‘mental illness‘ and that cure is stopping participation in the mind! If you are currently having trouble with your mind and are on medication -do not stop your medication-enough to know you will be able to in time.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating/engaging in emotions of sadness, regret, anger, fear, jealousy and guilt when remembering/going through all the layers of memory, that I currently exist as- which is embedded into my very physical body from the years I have existed as a mind = participating in thoughts- as I now see/realize/understand this is necessary to release-RE-PROGRAM myself/physical body so I am able to participate in life fully/effectively, as the directive principal of me here and not just an organic robot with thoughts/reactions/pictures in my mind coming up automatically, one leading to another, which makes me exist just as the past-from the starting point of the past-and not here in awareness as life.

I commit myself to stop myself and SLOOOOOOW DOWN, whenever I think alcohol will help me relax, ‘get through’ a social event, help me ‘have more fun’ as I now see/realize/understand I do not require to do/be anything for myself or others, other than just be here-aware and then I am able to really hear them/share with them, instead of being only partially aware of what they are saying because of being half in my secret mind of self-interest-thinking-not listening, ‘what do they think of me/how do I look/will they like me? I don’t like their new hair cut/I wonder how much money they made this year?…’

I commit myself to, through a daily process of writing/self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop all participation in, reactions of emotions of guilt/regret/sadness/fear with regard to engaging in my mind of memories (thought patterns, pictures in the mind, imaginations ie. changing a memory to an ending I prefer, talking in my head-sentences replaying a memory scene) of drinking and driving/selfish drunken behavior during my children’s birthdays/experiences throwing up/chocking/almost drowning/hangovers ie. consequence of the physical abuse to my body as I now See/Realize/Understand if I participate in these memories I am not STANDING IN ABSOLUTE STABILITY HERE, but am lost in the past in my mind! This is no longer acceptable to me and thus I commit to stop, slooooow down, bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical-TO REALITY- to earth and direct myself in awareness using the tools of breath, hearing the sounds that are going on all around me, being aware of my physical body/nature all around me, BEING HERE.

Addiction Blog to Continue.