For context please read Day 69: Relatives and Spite
After writing out the self-forgiveness statements with regards to my encounter with my relatives, I can see the character emerge of the suspicious/paranoid aunt within the emotion of spite. I can also see that I have just touched the surface within family dynamics at work here and there is a lot more to uncover about the past, going back within memories. However, I will re-visit my reactions within my family as time goes by and focus on this one incident for now.
Definition of Spite: A malicious, usually petty, desire to harm, annoy, frustrate, or humiliate another person; bitter ill will; malice.
I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to be aware and stop myself when I see this thought come up of ‘why are they being so unfriendly’ and then thinking ‘they don’t like me’. As/when this occurs I stop, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical, as I now see/realize/understand I am responsible for what comes up inside of myself and I commit to no longer project/blame it on another, as I do not in reality know what they were thinking/feeling about me, I realize we have a decent relationship and enjoy each others company now and then, we are all concerned about my sister (their mother) who has been ill lately and they were obviously spending time with her that day and had not expected me to be there.
I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop myself from allowing fear of rejection direct me in moments unaware, creeping up as the fear that my nephews/nieces not liking me because of the past as I now see/realize/understand I must stand and face this fear as myself, so I stop, I breathe through it, I remind myself it is my fear and to follow these thoughts could result in me doing/saying I may regret, and so I commit to slow down and when I have time to examine this reaction through writing. I realize as well, this fear comes in the form of spite (wanting to ‘hurt’ back) in my secret mind, which is unacceptable to me now.
I commit myself to not allow myself to get lost in moving pictures in my mind, as imagination, brought about because of emotions I have suppressed, as revenge fantasies where I tell them off to make up for feeling inferior and embarrassed about the past, as I now see/realize/understand when I am not here (instead I am in my mind) I cannot effectively direct myself in this moment and therefore lose that moment in which I could have engaged in reality with them, my relatives whom I really care about, been warm and genuine, inquired about their mom’s health instead of being interested in myself only , lost in my own self-interested paranoia, worried about how they perceived me.
I commit myself to assist and support myself, to stop all such backchat as voices in the head around this issue/memory with my relatives, as I now see/realize/understand it is nothing but useless and nasty secret mind shit, based on the past as memories. I stop and breathe, in slowly and out slowly, and I make a firm stand to not allow this secret gossip/abuse to continue, so as it comes up I BREATHE THROUGH THE THOUGHTS AND DO NOT FOLLOW THEM, I do this each time it occurs, the mind can be relentless, so so too must I be, in my resolve to stop the mind.
I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop myself from then allowing myself to become possessed/controlled by mind energies of emotion, brought up by all the inner chatter I have participated in, an onslaught of regret and shame from the past, as I now see/realize/understand these reactions only lead me further down the rabbit hole of more thoughts and out of reality completely, as well I cannot even hear what they are saying when I am focusing on how I am feeling so it actually destroys the opportunity to share with them in that moment.
I commit myself to assist and support myself, to stop myself from letting a reaction go so far unchecked as to experience behavioral changes in my body but if and when it happens to stop all participation by bringing myself back to breath awareness in this here moment, as I now see/realize understand to participate is to beLIEve the lie that the mind must have control over the body/that I have no choice but to succumb to these physical reactions to thoughts/emotions/feelings and I also do not accept the transfer of this mind energy into physical energy, which consumes the flesh, to turn into further mind energy, to continue it’s survival as master over the slave-me as the physical.
I commit myself stop all such consequences of threatening family relations, harming my physicality, isolating myself in my self-imposed paranoia and not being truly available to communicate self-honestly to my relatives but only concerned with myself/my thoughts and reactions, so I can contribute/assist/support another and receive in turn.
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