Day 146: Is Philanthropy Evil? Equal Health Care Should Be A Basic Human Right 2

SOLUTION:

The solution is a new system of governance, with the starting point of equality, an Equal Money System, which will include within it’s bill of rights-Human Rights Bill- equal health care for ALL human beings on earth.

Is philanthropy evil if there is a solution?  I would have to conclude yes it is, but we are all responsible. No one can point the finger, we must all stand up and create a new system/human rights that are best for all, and not just some.  We know inequality is evil and yet we ignore it. We allow the devil and the angel within us to tug and pull, we know there is a war going on both within us and without-just watch your nightly news.  Yet we continue to allow the polarities of rich/poor to exist, as we justify our societies by pointing out the ‘good work’ and ‘good nature’ of the few well meaning billionaires, “See, we aren’t so bad, he’s helping them , those poor poor people over there, I would too if I had that kind of money, but I’ll just let him do the ‘helping’” And we turn our backs on unspeakable suffering and death.

The problem of preventable death from disease in ‘third world’ nations must be tackled at its root-Inequality.  Therefore, the foundation of the system needs to change to one of EQUALITY. Within an Equal Money system IT WILL BE  A HUMAN RIGHT TO PROVIDE  THE SAME AVAILABLE  HEALTH CARE TO ALL, WHICH WOULD INCLUDE VACCINES, EQUIPMENT, CLEAN WATER so that human life/health is not dependent upon the ‘good nature’ of one philanthropic ka-billionaire!

I mean, is it not a little egotistical to be looking like a savior to these people and the world at large, ‘look at what I can do’…instead of ‘how can I use this money to improve the lives all human beings? How can this foundation be the beginning of changing the system-create a world wide health care system -for all to always have access to the best available information/technology/research/education/treatment. How can we ensure/guarantee this?’

There is only one way I know of, through the power of democracy, one man one vote.  So, the question to ask, if I was this multi-billionaire foundation, is ‘how can we use our money AS A FORCE of change for the betterment of human kind?’  Sure, continue with the preventative vaccine development and treatment, BUT at the same time dig out and remove forever the Root Causes of these problems.

Simply providing a vaccine, without considering the quality of life one is leaving behind is irresponsible.  I understand one organization cannot do everything and that the intentions are benevolent, I also understand that they are providing support and assistance to villages/communities in areas that would otherwise not receive it so it is ‘better than nothing’ at this point/time.  What is perplexing, however, is if this philanthropic organization is so brilliant (the head is considered a genius in his field)  then why do they not see short coming in this approach.  Sure, continue on the path of getting these vaccines out to the people who need them and the research to develop new vaccines for other diseases BUT at the same time why not put your money-ALOT of money-you have at your disposal into assuring  this never happens again, that ALL people, always, are assured the best possible healthcare/vaccines as a Basic Human Right.

With all the available resources that money provides, why does this foundation and it’s members not  consider an new economic approach as a foundation to change the world?

Thus , we propose a new Bill of Rights, under a new Economic system, EMC, Equal Money Capitalism.

From :   The Equal Life Foundation  Bill of Rights :

1. An Equal Economic Right that insures that all financial needs are accessible and available to ensure that the fundamental requirements of a healthy and fulfilling life can be realized and manifested.
2. An Equal Health Right that provides all essentials to building strong physical embodiments, insuring vitality and well-being along with clarity of intellect, emotional balance and physical stability….
5. An Equal Education Right that supports every individual in his or her pursuit of excellence and fulfillment of potential, supporting intellectual development and practical applications thereof to contribute their lives as relevant to a sustainable Earth that enhances Life for all participants.

Review the Full Document Here: https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation/posts/137442196442458

http://equalmoney.org/wiki/Health_Care

Healthcare will become that which supports life

Healthcare will become something that will actually support life and not merely the economic system or individual corporations, not the ego/pleasures of (a select few) men. Healthcare will support the physical body and the human-being as the measurable support that is required to be able to practically and effectively function within this physical-reality we all share. Isn’t that what healthcare is all about in the first place, to support the physical to so support the Human-Being within and as effective living in this world? Obviously, disease on earth will start to diminish and eventually start to disappear, because the attention given to the physical – both through ourselves in ‘who we are’ within as well as through external, actual real support and assistance as Health¬care – will be effective. Equal Healthcare, for All as One – with Equal Money and equal consideration of each individual and life as a whole.

REWARDS: 

*Researchers and scientists, as beings who are interested in investigating illnesses and finding cures, will be given all the time, space and opportunity to experiment and ‘look outside the box’

*Health Care will be available for all equally. No person will get more Health care than another

*Research will no longer be dependent on a set outcome based on profit

*the existence of diseases such as cancer, that occurs quite often in people, will be looked at from every angle as time and money will no longer be an issue

*Money will not be the motivation or set back of Health Care in an Equal Money System and therefore there will be no limitations to the possibilities for research and development.

*All research Equipment will be available as required

*all research will be done by the highest qualified people

• Visit the Group Capitalism vs. Equal Money group on Facebook.

• Read the Equal Money Wiki

• Read Economist’s Journey to Life

• For more about Self Education on Words, visit the Desteni Forum and Desteni I Process

• Read the 7 Year Journey To Life blogs

• 
• It is Time for a New World System. One Based on Prevention, instead of Reaction. One Based on Honoring the Right of Life, Equally for All. Join the Journey to Life, and Become Part of a Solution.” ~ Bernard PoolmanFor support and participation visit:http://forum.desteni.org
  http://equalmoney.org/forum/
  http://desteniIprocess.comCheck out the Desteni I Process Lite –
  a FREE course that will assist humanity to end the disaster of a dysfunctional consciousness.

Day 145: Is Philanthropy Evil? Equal Health Care Should Be A Basic Human Right

PROBLEM:  Is Philanthropy Evil?

Philanthropy, according to one definition is : the  altruistic concern for human welfare and advancement, usually manifested by donations of money, property, or work to needy persons, by endowment of institutions of learning and hospitals, and by generosity to other socially useful purposes.

I was watching 60 minutes Sunday evening, a U.S. television show offering investigative reports, which did a story on a well known American billionaire. He has amassed such an over-the-top fortune during his life, estimated 67 billion dollars, that he decided some years ago to dedicate his life to acts of charity/philanthropy.

http://www.tv.com/shows/60-minutes/watch/may-12-2013-2823278/

The show focused on his quest to eliminate various diseases in third world countries, through the development of vaccines, within the next 10-20 years as well as the invention of a thermos that will keep a vaccine “alive” so it can be delivered and administered to a population, in remote areas/where  typically it is difficult to reach a large number of people, who are in need.

So, the problem with this is twofold:

* 1.   It is not questioned that this need of philanthropy should exist in the first place. There was no guarantee that this ‘good and generous’ person would appear on the horizon, or that another one will when he is gone, so what then? Would this thermos have been invented had this man not made his personal fortune?  Isn’t that like playing God?  Would there be an agenda in place, as there is now, to conquer these diseases with new vaccines by 2020, without this man’s money?  Why don’t we all have the same dedication and quest?  Do we not care or is it lack of money, therefore resources, to reach the solutions that this man is able to?  Why do we leave it to luck, a spin of the wheel, that ‘the bottom 2 billion’ (as this person describes the population that most requires these vaccines) should suffer unnecessarily from disease and die?

The answer is both, it is our preoccupation with self-interest (for ourselves our families)  and survival AND our lack of money, that we do not address this issue but leave it up to this larger than life, super- sized, character/person and his charitable/non-profit organization.  Money moves things, gets that job done and he’s got it.

* 2.  All his efforts and money will not eradicate the problem because the root of the problem is not addressed within the philanthropic acts.

At the core of these issues is INEQUALITY. I do not know why this person and his foundation do not address the root/cause of these vast problems-millions dying each year of preventable diseases. I do know, in order to stop/solve this massive scale murder, I say murder because we are accepting and allowing it to occur and most of the deaths through disease in’ third world’ nations (we are all one nation, earth) are preventable.  Thus they are treating the symptom, even though one could consider a vaccine a prevention, a new strain or disease could emerge at any time in the future, once he has passed on,will his foundation continue with the same zest/conviction he has demonstrated or be as effective or exist at all ?  No guarantee, just another gamble. So he is not actually focusing on a prevention that will last, be effective whether he is here or not, it is but a temporary fix, another band-aid solution. This foundation is not empowering the population, in an absolute way, to guarantee a  solution. There is no equality in the solution.  The area is still wrought will problems of poverty, lack of clean water, remoteness to major centers and lack of transport, lack of education for the children and university opportunities for the youth, it goes on and on.

Is it evil to help a baby live but then leave it in poverty?

This foundation/philanthropist currently exists in a very small bubble, as he has the money to gather ‘the best’ scientists to work on his projects and invent what is required to deliver and administer effective vaccines. However, on his team are but a few of the talented individuals in the world, who have had the good fortune-again luck-to be born into a family who could afford to give them a university education, provide a healthy upbringing/home environment, etc. and so a number of things fell into place for  these few people to one day become a member of this philanthropic force.

IMAGINE how many of this ‘bottom 2 billion’ ,whom they are saying they are doing this philanthropic work on behalf , given the opportunity, are also capable-have the natural ability /talent to become scientists, invent the next great idea, contribute to the betterment of humanity, ‘discover’ a new cure/vaccine. Undoubtedly, many!  But they will never have the opportunity to find out.

Is it evil to present yourself, and your small army of saviors, to these villages with a magic thermos and vaccines but not provide them/all the village with the same opportunity for their children to ‘shine’ in a occupation area/to excel and invent/create/expand as a human being?

Presenting EMC  (Equal Money Capitalism) as the Solution in the next post. And answering the question, ‘Is Philanthropy Evil?’

The Equal Life Foundation
Bill of Rights:   https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation/posts/137442196442458

It is Time for a New World System. One Based on Prevention, instead of Reaction. One Based on Honoring the Right of Life, Equally for All.

Join the Journey to Life, and Become Part of a Solution.” ~ Bernard Poolman

For support and participation visit:

http://forum.desteni.org
http://equalmoney.org/forum/
http://desteniIprocess.com

Check out the Desteni I Process Lite –
a FREE course that will assist humanity to end the disaster of a dysfunctional consciousness.

Day 56: Walking the Solution As a Daily Action: Stressed Out by the Little Things part 6

Continuing with Commitment Statements, after walking the self forgiveness (Day 53 and 54) as to WHY I would accept and allow myself, to torture myself with continual thoughts about ‘the little things’ that needed to be done in my day.

I commit myself to stop myself when I find I am going into my mind with memories of my father, when I was growing up living at home, of being humiliated, fearful, anxious about being verbally abused when he was drinking and then to immediately stop myself, saying NO and move my attention/awareness to REALITY in paying attention to what I am facing/doing in the PHYSICAL as I now see, realize and understand the more I participate in these memories, the more I am giving energy to the Mind and the less I am actually contributing to myself/my living here and will so no more accept/allow memories to decide who I am, as I WILL myself to move myself into and as actual, physical, practical, real application.  As well, I see/understand it is useless and a waste of my time, as it does not change the past but who I am/how I move here in each moment of breath, does effectively change my living/life.

I commit myself, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to assist and support myself by stopping all connections of memories and thoughts of being female/a woman and memories of my father’s sexist remarks, as I now see/realize/understand that to take my mind as thoughts/memories seriously, personally, as me IS FALSE and is not self-honest but self-deception and total SEPARATION from this world, other beings and my very self, as I indulge in illusion of the mind as memories and this is no longer acceptable to me.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, to remind myself, that sexism/racism  is existing in/as the design of polarity thinking/of the mind consciousness system (opposites good/bad, positive/negative), to keep mankind fucked up with notions of strength/power/self-importance instead of living here, one and equal, doing/creating what is best for all mankind, from the starting point of equality, as I now see realize /understand this polarity game is what my father was caught up in and I do not need or want to participate in it any longer.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to remind myself much of my father’s abusive nature/insane talk was largely due to his alcoholism, which indeed brought out the devil in him, and I AM AN ADULT NOW and to no longer suppress what I see as injustice in this world just because my father/other male authority figures/someone I perceive to be a ‘strong’  female SAYS I SHOULD/CAUSE THAT’S THE WAY THE WORLD IS, I say this, not to blame but because I now see/realize/understand  I am equally responsible to stop living as/within all such abuse and polarized relationships/ SECRET thoughts/imaginary playouts in my mind, otherwise, if I/you do not take responsibility for the injustice in this world- by actually changing ourselves, our very walking/being/nature – then it will continue, as the sins of the father are ALWAYS passed on from generation to generation. SO… me just being aware of abuse and not taking responsibility  (just blaming my Dad-he was verbally/physically abused as a child, as well) is useless as nothing will change in me or the children to come, but by standing and declaring NO, to the mind, and refusing to participate in the design of polarities (rich/poor, superior/inferior) WILL change the world, a process, one person and one breath at a time.

Day 54: Stressed out part 4: Why would I do this to Myself ?

As I review the last post, stressed out part 3, I can see how muddled/confused my thoughts are, seemingly random and jumping. This process, for me and many others, is like putting the puzzle pieces together, so I will slow myself down, continue with this theme of being overwhelmed by the little things one particular morning (see part 1), and in this post will specifically write about what I have learned thus far about my thinking processes–as to the WHY would I do this to myself/allow a barrage of thoughts to bombard me first thing in the morning–using self-forgiveness and then in the next post (day 55-part 5) write the commitment statements , as the solution to this fear based possession.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe in my CYCLE OF INCOMPETENCY, being:

Because I am incompetent, from beLIEving the memories from childhood (see part 3), I fear there is not enough time to get the many little things done I am required to do in my day. Because there is not enough time I must rush and be part of the HUMAN RACE/RAT RACE all the while, my thoughts RACE. Because I am rushing/racing, listening to many thoughts one after another, from a starting point of fear, I am not patient/thorough/stable in taking on tasks, point by point, so I do not complete tasks but jump from one task to another fearing there is not enough time. Because I do not complete tasks thoroughly I AM INCOMPETENT.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I am not good enough’ ‘I am inferior’ from the starting point of childhood memories of my father saying women/girls are inferior to men. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind consciousness system design of  polarities, in this case comparison, in which I compare myself to others, who I judge as successful/competent/superior while I judge label myself as a failure/incompetent/inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I am average’ and therefore I will never excel at anything from a starting point of a memory, existing within and as me, of my father saying ‘Sandy always tries hard but never wins‘. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think because I am average I have to try harder just to be mediocre/barely noticed/just survive and I must do more than others just to get a small piece of the action/pleasure/the spoils of life, I must do more and do it fast because, for me, there is not as much time as for others who are more competent.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am average looking so I must try harder to look ‘pretty’ so wear make-up, high heels, I am of average intelligence so I must study harder and longer and get extra help, I can cheat on tests because I can’t learn the material, I am average from a talent perspective so I must stay in the shadows and not make a fool of myself, all this from a starting point of self-interest, based on survival.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, because I am average, I am disposable/unimportant/can be overlooked. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this self-pity is dishonesty because it is based on self-interest and fear of survival for me alone and allows me to hide/cower/be dependent upon others for money instead of standing and engaging in my world without using the mind, as fear from past memories, to direct me, so I can be useful/contribute/support/assist myself first and then others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always doubt/never be satisfied with the choices I make but let myself be influence/directed by my mind of inferior/not enough so my choices are not good enough, I need more, to switch/exchange one choice for another, therefore taking more time to constantly re-make my life/my home/my appearance.

Day 52: Solution: Stressed Out by The Little Things: part 2

See Day 51 for context: Commitment Statements

I commit myself to stop myself whenever the thought arise, ‘there are too many thoughts to get through’ as in process (DIP) (The 7 Year Journey To Life) and use the subsequent feeling, of overwhelmingness, as an excuse to postpone, as I now see/realize/understand to beLIEve this thought as true, as me, is false, as I am indeed only here, in the physical and can isolate this one thought, forgive it, and direct myself in the moment, with  breath, to carry out my task of writing, simply, no emotion required!

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application  be aware of the first thought, as ‘it’s too much’ so as to stop the emotion of fear arising, if I find I have gone into fear, I stop, I breathe, bring myself back down to earth, to reality and out of my mind of illusion, as I now see/realize/understand participating in this fear is what causes me to become stagnant and frozen, doomed to repeat the past of living from the starting point of reaction instead of becoming an effective living being here, who can  give, communicate, support and assist others so we may together put an end the abuse on earth by standing up for equality.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating in the lie, ‘there is not enough time’ as I now see/realize/understand it was always me, in following and then accepting this lie to exist within and as me, who believed it and engaged in wasting time by going into backchat about –list making–all the little chores that need to be done INSTEAD of moving/directing myself TO DO THEM without energy, but by engaging in the energy reactions of emotions and then the subsequent behavioral changes in my body of:  tension, aches and pains in the muscle tissue, anxiety and the tightening of my chest and stomach, shortness of breath, I would get tired very quickly and PROVE to myself , ‘ See, I am exhausted, I need to rest, I knew there wasn’t enough time’. It is no longer acceptable to me to follow such patterns, as I simply require to move, with breath, out of my mind and breathe through any thoughts that come up/arise AS THEY COME UP and everything gets done, with time to spare!

I commit myself to NOT accept and allow myself to lye in bed when I first wake up/the alarm goes off but to immediately rise and meet my day with one breath, as I now see /realize/understand that the mind re-boots itself, as it is the computer of all my past, imbedded in my very flesh, and I do not require pictures/memories/thoughts/emotions/imaginings/fantasies using the construct of time (past, present, future) to be an effective human being, but I do require breath, in each here moment, to keep this unconditional gift of the human physical body, to effectively direct myself, as what is best for all life, in all ways.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application to be aware, to be here, each morning when I am busy with the kids (children I have in my daycare) and not get lost in my mind, when I find I have gone past the first thought and am now into backchat/inner conversation, which is bringing up one picture after another in my head, and when I then find the tension/anxiety -emotion- is building- I commit TO STOP myself and breathe, as I now see/realize/understand I cannot effectively direct myself/my day when I am lost in my mind of pictures/images and not here, to be fully available to the children, what they are doing/saying, I cannot truly hear them/assist them/interact with them if I am busy in my mind and this is no longer acceptable to me, as it stems from self-interest and fear only.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application  stop all such inner self-talk as backchat during my day, especially first thing in the morning when the children arrive and my husband is around, as I now see/realize/understand it does not change anything but in fact harms my physicality by creating and then using energy, within the emotions it creates, to consume the flesh. In that, I now understand the mind is indeed a consumption machine, round and round it goes, constantly and continuously -as within so without- just as I have become a consumer in society/within the world systems, unaware of the harm I am doing by buying endless shit I do not need but have become dependent upon/addicted to, blissfully unaware of the plastic garbage islands/waste in our oceans, that is amassing daily and destroying the plant and animal kingdoms, in my destructive path. From the greater to the small, it starts here, with me standing absolute, with a still mind, moving within my day, being here for my job, the children in my daycare, and fulfilling my other daily responsibilities in stability, with no mind movement. As this is a process, I remind myself to be patient and kind to myself and carry on with the task at hand.

I commit myself, whenever I find I have gone into emotions of guilt, fear, anxiety, blame, judgement of myself and others, resulting from participating in backchat/self-talk throughout my day, to stop and breathe, to stabilize myself as I bring myself out of my mind and feel my feet firmly planted on the ground-physical, as I now see/realize/understand how engaging in these emotions/feelings takes me away from the reality of what is here in my life and into some illusionary drama that does not exist and makes it impossible for me to effectively direct myself, as a responsible daycare provider, wife, mother, daughter and human being.  I now see that such behavior is not life but a useless, programmed, robot destined to only repeat the past as patterns of postponement, self-interest, confusion, failure and so unable to contribute anything of value to my world, but to crawl in fear toward old age and this is no longer acceptable to me.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, and a daily self-corrective application, stop myself when I find I am experiencing physical bodily changes brought on from the emotions/feelings I have allowed unaware, by saying ‘No, not participating‘ and using breath to stabilize myself, out of the mind of illusion and self-interest, back down to earth and then to breathe, in absolute stability, until the aches and pains disappear, my muscles relax, my throat relaxes, the nauseous feeling goes away, as I now see/realize/understand it was my participation in the whole process of thought-backchat-fear-emotions that created the discomfort in the first place and this is not necessary or productive, in any way, but was brought upon by my being unaware of my reality/lost in my mind. As well, these bodily reactions will result in the consumption/decay of the flesh and this is no longer acceptable to me.

Day 50: How Do you Overcome The Allure of Sleeping Pills? Commitment Statements

Note: Refer to the previous post for context

So after applying self-forgiveness, one must walk the talk, so to speak, and put into practical daily living/practice what you have forgiven so as to not fall back into patterns of repeating the past.  This we do by, first writing and speaking aloud, corrective statements and self-corrective application statements, so ones knows exactly what to do should/when the mind is active in /within this certain character/personality of ‘the addict’ and in this case, specifically the sleeping pill addict.

I commit to never again taking sleeping pills unless it is a prescribed medication necessary for some medical reason. In that I commit to never separating myself from myself because I fear myself, as in my subconscious and unconscious mind communicating to me at night through dreams/nightmares/voices/images as I now see/realize/understand there is nothing to fear as when I do not participate by reacting in fear/anxiety the communication simply stops so it was in my acceptance and allowance that it occurred in the first place.

I commit to trusting myself to investigate thoroughly whenever I am having  mental/physical trouble/occurrence with doctors and/or Desteni and myself as I now see/realize/understand by hiding/ignoring through fear only reinforces/feeds the fear so my decisions are  based from the starting point of fear = my mind and not a stable one and equal hereness of me, & choosing to use a drug, with no outside assistance and support, was not in my best interest/could have been dangerous, as I became addicted/dependent  and could have harmed myself further if I had not found the Desteni Message!

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and walking a daily practical self-corrective application, to spreading the Desteni message that there is indeed a specific/detailed/precise explanation for hearing voices in the head , that one does not need a ‘mental illness’ label and to be on anti-psychotic medication for life (or whatever medication) and told there is no cure for mental illness as I now see/realize/understand this is not true!! (I did not take any medication but self-medicated with alcohol and sleeping pills-do not do this-read the Desteni material instead).

I commit myself to stop myself when I am directed by the emotion of guilt/shame/regret/fear from the memory of taking sleeping pills for 10 years as I now see/realize/understand  I am not able to effectively direct myself here when I am lost in my mind of emotions from the past, it does not change anything and so is a waste of time and I was doing the best I could at the time, as in I thought it was best to ‘protect’ myself and my children, to not  disclose the trouble I was having with my mind during this period of my life and, right or wrong, it did serve the purpose to help me sleep and function.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and walking a daily practical self-corrective application, Stop and Breathe, whenever I have a memory arise within and as me, of my withdrawal process from using sleep aids and the subsequent emotions/feelings of pride, guilt and fear as I now see/realize/understand to follow these thoughts/pictures in my mind only leads me into the energetic reaction of emotion and then the physical bodily changes that follow, and I commit to not using energy in this way-as memory of past experience-to define who I am here, but to stand with breath awareness out of my mind of illusion and continue with my day/the task at hand, as life and not feed/give these memories the power to add another layer of separation in/within me.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a memory come up of how this addiction made it difficult to enter the work force/matrix again, producing the emotions of guilt, shame, regret and fear of loss.  In that also,  for thinking I was ‘damaged’/no longer a whole being, bringing on the reactions/emotions of self-pity, sadness, hopelessness, remorse and  inferiority as I now see/realize/understand I am here and no longer living to acquire shit I don’t want or need by being in the matrix/world of employment as I earn income at home (daycare in my home and tenants).   I realize I have all I need and am grateful to let go of the past and live in a way that is best for all and not just in blind self-interest, as well I now understand I am not damaged but in a process of birthing myself as life in the physical, I remind myself to be grateful for this opportunity to be of true service to myself and all in existence and I get on with my day.

I commit myself to stop and breathe each time I think/have a memory existent within and as me of  ‘oh well, I’ll just get through this day, it doesn’t matter if I nap, it’s almost over’,  and/or participating in a feeling/connecting a feeling of warmth, comfort at the thought of a nap, sleepiness, picture in my mind of my bed, using this as an excuse to sleep/escape instead of face myself/my life/responsibilites in the moment, here, as I now see/realize/understand that, that behavior is not life but a program and it is no longer acceptable to me, existing as an organic robot-beLIEving the lie, as in the first pixel/picture/word that pops up in my head of ‘nap’ for example and then following this first thought down the rabbit hole into the subsequent feelings,  instead of seizing the opportunity of each moment to live/give/and receive in my life, as life!

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever I have thoughts/pictures in my mind/imaginings about what others will think of me/say about me/opinion they will hold of me in relation to my sleeping pill addiction as this stems from my ego and from a starting point of separation from others instead of the starting point of one and equal,  as I now see/realize/understand to continue/follow these memories/imaginings will only lead me into the ego of the emotions of guilt/blame/regret which is a waste of time/does not change the past and ,as such, is useless. Furthermore, these emotions only create energy for the purpose to transform substance/physicality into further mind energy which only serves to harm the physical body as it gets slowly eaten away.

Day 47: Alcoholism and how it Related to Doubting Myself Part 7

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a relative hugging me/consoling me after she heard I got horribly drunk at my parents 50th wedding anniversary party that she could not attend, bringing up the thought, ‘R. is very sweet to stand up for me. I am very embarrassed. I guess everyone knows what happened.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another another relative, who is an alcoholic, pouring hard liquor down his throat in the forest by the cottage  and passing out and think, ‘Poor M. he is a severe alcoholic and cannot drink. He’s so miserable and fucked up. He should go to AA (alcoholics anonymous) and learn how to live sober’, in total denial of my own alcoholism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in W’s kitchen, as she offered to watch my kids when I went to a AA meeting, her house being large and incredibly opulent and thinking, ‘Her husband is so successful and decent and handsome. She never has to worry about money. I wonder how that feels? I wish I could feel that. I am such a pathetic loser. I married the wrong man, she was smart, she married the ‘right’ man. Oh god, get this over with. I can’t wait to get home and drink. Stupid bitch, she thinks it so simple with her ‘help’, it’s just one meeting, tomorrow who is going to watch the kids? No one and I will drink, oh fuck what a loser. Look at all she has, it is so beautiful and comfortable here, my kids love it here. Just get through this and home soon and drink, thank god… soon.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by regret, shame, guilt, self-hate, humiliation, fear, jealousy, confusion, self-pity bring up the thought, ‘What does she think, one meeting is going to change anything. I know it won’t. Just go and come back and get your kids and get them out of her clutches of ‘we have so much, abundance and you don’t’ and get home so you can drink.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m never going to get through this, it’s too much, it’s not going to change anything. I should be making money.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself having no regard for my physical health. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and instead put my ‘faith’ in my ‘higher power’=my mind and follow it’s ‘guidance‘.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust and therefore my actions outside of myself in others and the idea of a ‘higher power’ in total separation of myself and my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize my alcoholism and instead live/exists in total self-pity and self-victimization, not taking responsibility and empowering myself with my own ability to change my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking, “Life should not be something you just ‘get through’” and doubted sticking to my guns (my decision to not re-enter the work force because I did not believe in the world money/business systems) but instead ‘felt’ defeated by the world and wondered if everyone else was ‘right’ and I should just get a regular job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate the responsibility for the health of my human physical body to… what?  Chance, luck, doctors, miracles, money, god, spirits, prayer, hope.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt what I have questioned (way back in my mind, I didn’t think I had the right to question) throughout my life; why shouldn’t I be in complete control of my physical human body, why don’t I know what’s going on with my body, who designed this, it sucks, it should be changed so humans are not such prisoners in their bodies, it should be a delight to exist, not so precarious and frightening, every time you walk out the door something can kill you. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in my right to ask these questions in fearing the creator would think I was ungrateful and therefore undeserving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking, ‘No wonder I drank, life sucked, I’d rather be drunk than have to submit to the world systems. Thank god for Desteni.‘

Day 46: How Do I Face What I Have Done? Solution: Commitment Statements part 6

Now that one has got a new starting point/foundation as one has applied self-forgiveness, how do you practically walk/apply this, day to day?  Through the writing and living of commitment statements:

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I have a memory arise within me of when L. would ask what I was drinking, or why I smelt funny, and breathe and not follow these memories further but to stand and gain self-awareness back here in the physical -to what is real and current before me- as I now see /realize/understand it is not by engaging in memories and then emotions and behaviors that things are righted, as I only go into an energetic reaction of guilt that harms me, but it is by directing myself here, and speaking self-honestly in the moment to my daughter that is effective. I realize I have spoken to her several times during my sobriety and made amends and more importantly,  make a daily living amends by being sober and available anytime to/for her.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I allow myself to get to the point of playing out a scene/memory of when I used to hang out at bars and have superficial encounters with men, be elated while getting ready to go out, treat the men I met in bars as ‘insignificant’ without the starting point of one and equal,  as I now see/realize/understand to continue/follow these memories further will only lead me into the emotions of guilt/blame/regret which is a waste of time/does not change the past is a total replay of a replay of a replay …… as such is useless, as this only uses energy from the emotions to transform substance/physicality into further mind energy which only serves to harm the physical body as it gets slowly eaten away. I realize I was not capable at the time to treat these men with the respect they deserve as life, one and equal to me, and I do not allow myself to participate in such behavior now.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and focus back on physical reality each time I have a memory arise about when I used to drink and then call my parents or others. I commit myself to not engage participate in the emotions that subsequently arise of guilt and shame as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible human being/daughter but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application, to stop myself by being aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret/humiliation of the past when a memory/thought /picture arises,  in my mind, of the time when a relative bought gifts for my children at christmas and I had none for her children.  I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.  Furthermore, I see/realize/understand christmas is bullshit/meaningless and, until we create a world that is best for all in equality, I do not participate in christmas (I will in small way so as to not upset/be a rebel in my family, whom I respect) and I know this person and I are one and equal, in fact, and money does not define us, as money will one day disappear and there will be nothing left but the being to face herself (both me and her-not suggesting I have not been guilty of consumerism, I have).

Day 45: Alcoholism: How Do I Face What I Have Done? part 5

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of L. saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I stank of booze through my pores and was sweaty and shaky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, sitting at the bar smoking thinking about the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, I just used them to feed my ego, I used them physically and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I never remembered them and I would brush them off  because I was hung over and feeling like crap, me me me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to those men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me, on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across as a super friendly/flirty/strong/confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, how pathetic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being self-honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better/superior or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex- husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a relative, one Christmas, at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage, a husband who is a ‘good’ guy, and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idiot, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face.  She has positioned herself in the world systems so she ‘has it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck, I am a complete loser and she is so together, why did she have to do that and throw it in my face? She is so insensitive.”

Solution: Facing these consequences as memories With Commitment Statements to follow

Day 44: Commitment Statements : No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction Character part 4

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as the self-directive force of me, here, in each moment of breath. Breaking the chains!

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application, from existing as the past/from the starting point of the past in thinking about how I hurt my children through my drinking-questioning it-mulling it over and over in my mind letting it possess/control my day and each moment, as I now see/realize/understand this does not change the past, what is done is done, and I can now only direct myself here in responsibility to my children, myself and all of humanity, the animal kingdom and nature by standing back up each time I fall, facing myself as fear, the fear I have carried with me as memories of the character of ‘the alcoholic Mom’, fear of the consequences, each time I face this character and refuse to participate in the subsequent thoughts/emotions/feelings, I remove a layer of the memories I have built up over many years, until she will exist no longer.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a memory come up of apologizing to my children for being drunk and the deep regret it brought with it, as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible parent but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application be aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret of the past and believing the past has a hold of myself and/or my son because of my drinking, as I now see/realize/understand we are both here and not the prisoners of the past, as he is doing well in University and holds a job, I am here for him and he knows this, as well, I realize it is a waste of time to hold these memories within and as me, as I can support and assist him and myself more effectively by being here and not lost in my mind of regret.

I commit myself to moment to moment self-awareness so that when memories arise within my consciousness, to take me away from my current reality here,  of drinking and driving and of  P.’s birthday party in the ravine, I stop, I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.