Day 146: Is Philanthropy Evil? Equal Health Care Should Be A Basic Human Right 2

SOLUTION:

The solution is a new system of governance, with the starting point of equality, an Equal Money System, which will include within it’s bill of rights-Human Rights Bill- equal health care for ALL human beings on earth.

Is philanthropy evil if there is a solution?  I would have to conclude yes it is, but we are all responsible. No one can point the finger, we must all stand up and create a new system/human rights that are best for all, and not just some.  We know inequality is evil and yet we ignore it. We allow the devil and the angel within us to tug and pull, we know there is a war going on both within us and without-just watch your nightly news.  Yet we continue to allow the polarities of rich/poor to exist, as we justify our societies by pointing out the ‘good work’ and ‘good nature’ of the few well meaning billionaires, “See, we aren’t so bad, he’s helping them , those poor poor people over there, I would too if I had that kind of money, but I’ll just let him do the ‘helping’” And we turn our backs on unspeakable suffering and death.

The problem of preventable death from disease in ‘third world’ nations must be tackled at its root-Inequality.  Therefore, the foundation of the system needs to change to one of EQUALITY. Within an Equal Money system IT WILL BE  A HUMAN RIGHT TO PROVIDE  THE SAME AVAILABLE  HEALTH CARE TO ALL, WHICH WOULD INCLUDE VACCINES, EQUIPMENT, CLEAN WATER so that human life/health is not dependent upon the ‘good nature’ of one philanthropic ka-billionaire!

I mean, is it not a little egotistical to be looking like a savior to these people and the world at large, ‘look at what I can do’…instead of ‘how can I use this money to improve the lives all human beings? How can this foundation be the beginning of changing the system-create a world wide health care system -for all to always have access to the best available information/technology/research/education/treatment. How can we ensure/guarantee this?’

There is only one way I know of, through the power of democracy, one man one vote.  So, the question to ask, if I was this multi-billionaire foundation, is ‘how can we use our money AS A FORCE of change for the betterment of human kind?’  Sure, continue with the preventative vaccine development and treatment, BUT at the same time dig out and remove forever the Root Causes of these problems.

Simply providing a vaccine, without considering the quality of life one is leaving behind is irresponsible.  I understand one organization cannot do everything and that the intentions are benevolent, I also understand that they are providing support and assistance to villages/communities in areas that would otherwise not receive it so it is ‘better than nothing’ at this point/time.  What is perplexing, however, is if this philanthropic organization is so brilliant (the head is considered a genius in his field)  then why do they not see short coming in this approach.  Sure, continue on the path of getting these vaccines out to the people who need them and the research to develop new vaccines for other diseases BUT at the same time why not put your money-ALOT of money-you have at your disposal into assuring  this never happens again, that ALL people, always, are assured the best possible healthcare/vaccines as a Basic Human Right.

With all the available resources that money provides, why does this foundation and it’s members not  consider an new economic approach as a foundation to change the world?

Thus , we propose a new Bill of Rights, under a new Economic system, EMC, Equal Money Capitalism.

From :   The Equal Life Foundation  Bill of Rights :

1. An Equal Economic Right that insures that all financial needs are accessible and available to ensure that the fundamental requirements of a healthy and fulfilling life can be realized and manifested.
2. An Equal Health Right that provides all essentials to building strong physical embodiments, insuring vitality and well-being along with clarity of intellect, emotional balance and physical stability….
5. An Equal Education Right that supports every individual in his or her pursuit of excellence and fulfillment of potential, supporting intellectual development and practical applications thereof to contribute their lives as relevant to a sustainable Earth that enhances Life for all participants.

Review the Full Document Here: https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation/posts/137442196442458

http://equalmoney.org/wiki/Health_Care

Healthcare will become that which supports life

Healthcare will become something that will actually support life and not merely the economic system or individual corporations, not the ego/pleasures of (a select few) men. Healthcare will support the physical body and the human-being as the measurable support that is required to be able to practically and effectively function within this physical-reality we all share. Isn’t that what healthcare is all about in the first place, to support the physical to so support the Human-Being within and as effective living in this world? Obviously, disease on earth will start to diminish and eventually start to disappear, because the attention given to the physical – both through ourselves in ‘who we are’ within as well as through external, actual real support and assistance as Health¬care – will be effective. Equal Healthcare, for All as One – with Equal Money and equal consideration of each individual and life as a whole.

REWARDS: 

*Researchers and scientists, as beings who are interested in investigating illnesses and finding cures, will be given all the time, space and opportunity to experiment and ‘look outside the box’

*Health Care will be available for all equally. No person will get more Health care than another

*Research will no longer be dependent on a set outcome based on profit

*the existence of diseases such as cancer, that occurs quite often in people, will be looked at from every angle as time and money will no longer be an issue

*Money will not be the motivation or set back of Health Care in an Equal Money System and therefore there will be no limitations to the possibilities for research and development.

*All research Equipment will be available as required

*all research will be done by the highest qualified people

• Visit the Group Capitalism vs. Equal Money group on Facebook.

• Read the Equal Money Wiki

• Read Economist’s Journey to Life

• For more about Self Education on Words, visit the Desteni Forum and Desteni I Process

• Read the 7 Year Journey To Life blogs

• 
• It is Time for a New World System. One Based on Prevention, instead of Reaction. One Based on Honoring the Right of Life, Equally for All. Join the Journey to Life, and Become Part of a Solution.” ~ Bernard PoolmanFor support and participation visit:
  http://forum.desteni.org
  
  
  http://equalmoney.org/forum/
  
  
  http://desteniIprocess.com
  Check out the Desteni I Process Lite –
  a FREE course that will assist humanity to end the disaster of a dysfunctional consciousness.

Day 145: Is Philanthropy Evil? Equal Health Care Should Be A Basic Human Right

PROBLEM:  Is Philanthropy Evil?

Philanthropy, according to one definition is : the  altruistic concern for human welfare and advancement, usually manifested by donations of money, property, or work to needy persons, by endowment of institutions of learning and hospitals, and by generosity to other socially useful purposes.

I was watching 60 minutes Sunday evening, a U.S. television show offering investigative reports, which did a story on a well known American billionaire. He has amassed such an over-the-top fortune during his life, estimated 67 billion dollars, that he decided some years ago to dedicate his life to acts of charity/philanthropy.

http://www.tv.com/shows/60-minutes/watch/may-12-2013-2823278/

The show focused on his quest to eliminate various diseases in third world countries, through the development of vaccines, within the next 10-20 years as well as the invention of a thermos that will keep a vaccine “alive” so it can be delivered and administered to a population, in remote areas/where  typically it is difficult to reach a large number of people, who are in need.

So, the problem with this is twofold:

* 1.   It is not questioned that this need of philanthropy should exist in the first place. There was no guarantee that this ‘good and generous’ person would appear on the horizon, or that another one will when he is gone, so what then? Would this thermos have been invented had this man not made his personal fortune?  Isn’t that like playing God?  Would there be an agenda in place, as there is now, to conquer these diseases with new vaccines by 2020, without this man’s money?  Why don’t we all have the same dedication and quest?  Do we not care or is it lack of money, therefore resources, to reach the solutions that this man is able to?  Why do we leave it to luck, a spin of the wheel, that ‘the bottom 2 billion’ (as this person describes the population that most requires these vaccines) should suffer unnecessarily from disease and die?

The answer is both, it is our preoccupation with self-interest (for ourselves our families)  and survival AND our lack of money, that we do not address this issue but leave it up to this larger than life, super- sized, character/person and his charitable/non-profit organization.  Money moves things, gets that job done and he’s got it.

* 2.  All his efforts and money will not eradicate the problem because the root of the problem is not addressed within the philanthropic acts.

At the core of these issues is INEQUALITY. I do not know why this person and his foundation do not address the root/cause of these vast problems-millions dying each year of preventable diseases. I do know, in order to stop/solve this massive scale murder, I say murder because we are accepting and allowing it to occur and most of the deaths through disease in’ third world’ nations (we are all one nation, earth) are preventable.  Thus they are treating the symptom, even though one could consider a vaccine a prevention, a new strain or disease could emerge at any time in the future, once he has passed on,will his foundation continue with the same zest/conviction he has demonstrated or be as effective or exist at all ?  No guarantee, just another gamble. So he is not actually focusing on a prevention that will last, be effective whether he is here or not, it is but a temporary fix, another band-aid solution. This foundation is not empowering the population, in an absolute way, to guarantee a  solution. There is no equality in the solution.  The area is still wrought will problems of poverty, lack of clean water, remoteness to major centers and lack of transport, lack of education for the children and university opportunities for the youth, it goes on and on.

Is it evil to help a baby live but then leave it in poverty?

This foundation/philanthropist currently exists in a very small bubble, as he has the money to gather ‘the best’ scientists to work on his projects and invent what is required to deliver and administer effective vaccines. However, on his team are but a few of the talented individuals in the world, who have had the good fortune-again luck-to be born into a family who could afford to give them a university education, provide a healthy upbringing/home environment, etc. and so a number of things fell into place for  these few people to one day become a member of this philanthropic force.

IMAGINE how many of this ‘bottom 2 billion’ ,whom they are saying they are doing this philanthropic work on behalf , given the opportunity, are also capable-have the natural ability /talent to become scientists, invent the next great idea, contribute to the betterment of humanity, ‘discover’ a new cure/vaccine. Undoubtedly, many!  But they will never have the opportunity to find out.

Is it evil to present yourself, and your small army of saviors, to these villages with a magic thermos and vaccines but not provide them/all the village with the same opportunity for their children to ‘shine’ in a occupation area/to excel and invent/create/expand as a human being?

Presenting EMC  (Equal Money Capitalism) as the Solution in the next post. And answering the question, ‘Is Philanthropy Evil?’

The Equal Life Foundation
Bill of Rights:   https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation/posts/137442196442458

It is Time for a New World System. One Based on Prevention, instead of Reaction. One Based on Honoring the Right of Life, Equally for All.

Join the Journey to Life, and Become Part of a Solution.” ~ Bernard Poolman

For support and participation visit:

http://forum.desteni.org


http://equalmoney.org/forum/


http://desteniIprocess.com

Check out the Desteni I Process Lite –
a FREE course that will assist humanity to end the disaster of a dysfunctional consciousness.

Day 68: I Feel So Guilty!

I feel so guilty

Please read Day 67 for context to this blog.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, to stop myself whenever I begin to going into thoughts, specifically  a picture of the child in my mind as the first thought, about how I do not want to be the caregiver for this child anymore. In that, I commit myself to stop myself  from participating in the emotion of guilt and the subsequent thoughts that follow, as I now see/realize/understand to engage in this emotion is useless as it does not change my decision, which I considered  for a very long time, as far back as last summer, I stop and  take a deep breath in and out, I bring myself back to the physical and get on with my day.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop allowing my mind, as fear of survival with regards to
money and ego, direct me and so in moments I find myself going into fear I stop, I breathe and remind myself I no longer allow my mind to control me, doubting my decision making abilities, as I now see/realize/understand I cannot effectively direct myself when I am in a mind possessed state/paralyzed or going backward, on my decisions, because of fear, if I am concerned, I remind myself when I have the time, I can sit and focus on re-visiting a decision, within a stable starting point of breath here, so I am certain it is not my mind that is directing a decision but myself in awareness.

I commit myself to not allow myself to go into my mind with all sorts of fantasies/imaginings,else  unaware it is even occurring, so I commit to slowing down and remind myself I do not
want to be directed by spite and engage in guessing/interpreting another’s actions/words, in separation of myself, by having revenge fantasies as I now see/realize/understand all imaginings are unexpressed emotions, therefore when/if I find this occurring, I commit to stop and bring myself back to my physical body with breath and to then find a time to sit and write it out, self-honestly, looking at the emotions I have suppressed to rid them from my physical body as memories/thoughts (embedded in the flesh), that are re-surfacing/coming up from the past, as how I am interpreting this situation in the present–but are not reality at all and of no use to me or anyone else involved.

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, whenever I find I am participating in inner chatter/backchat that is nasty about this situation and to stop and breathe and not allow it to continue as I now see/realize/understand if I have something I want to communicate, I can do it in the physical and not talk shit inside my head about another being who is not even there to defend themselves, it is only strengthening my mind instead of remaining here in reality/the physical and I commit to strengthening my stand to live as a fully physical being, directing myself, as life here, one and equal to the mom and child I was gossiping about in my secret mind!

I commit myself , through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop all relating to /engaging in emotions and feelings bombarding me around letting this client go, as I now see/realize/understand letting emotions and feelings lead me, only weakens my awareness and resolve to remain here out of my mind, I cannot trust these reactions as they are all mixed up with interpretation, based on memories, as past experiences. Instead I stop, I breathe and bring myself back down to earth and remind myself I am a physical being , not a mind, and I am here, not in the past, I also remind myself I do not need to feel bad, guilt, sad, as the child has a new, very kind caregiver and we will see them daily at the school yard , I do not control other beings but I was respectful and did a very good job taking care of the child, my husband will not leave me because I lost a client as he is patient and knows I will do my best to replace the income asap. I am grateful for my day and I get back to focus on the task at hand.

I commit myself to be aware whenever I have let the mind go so far as making changes in my physicality around this situation, by being swept away in a fantasy, following thoughts, as inner conversation inside my head, and then and the subsequent emotions and feelings that come up-leading to the behavioral physical changes. And so I commit to bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical reality in which I live, as I now see/realize/understand to participate only serves to further feed the mind, as it transforms the physical energy into mind energy, which it requires to keep existing and expanding -this energy `mined`extracted from the physical body. As well, existing as this mind energy being, instead of a physical being, only pushes me further away from a real relationship with others in my life as I am not able to see or communicate clearly to another in this state.

I commit myself to stop myself from going so far as to manifest consequences in my physical body, to torture myself with guilt, to doubt my ability to assess a situation and come to a reasonable/common sense conclusion and follow it through no matter what others may think and stop being a people pleaser, as I now understand it does not serve myself or the others involved, as I am not  being self-honesty, in that moment, but only being directed by self-interest as of fear of  survival.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* Life Review – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness  Step 1 and Step 2

Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

Investigate the 7 Year Journey to Life Blogs of individuals walking their Process of SELF-Change, Self Responsibility through the processes of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

Any questions/clarification visit the Desteni Forums HERE.

Also investigate the Desteni I Process LITE (Free Course) and the Desteni I Process PRO, as the practical structural process that respectively Introduce one to the Mind and Walk one through the Mind, in firstly understanding the Mind and then how to assist/support self into and as real, living, self-change.

Show your vote for a Life where all have value at www.equalmoney.org

Mind Control, Amazingly cool documentaries to watch that explain in Detail how we got here:

Social Engineering in the 20th century

Psywar,

The Century of Self,

The Trap,

The Power Principle

Day 61: How To let things go and Live in Peace

For Context Please Read the Previous Days Blog:  Day 60: Fear of Not Thinking: From Thinking to Direct Seeing

How is it possible to let thoughts go? To let go of the fear of not using your mind?

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to stop myself whenever I am directed by/controlled by fear in thinking ‘But I have to think! It’s  how I get things done & it’s what distinguishes the human from all other life forms!’ So I commit to remind myself to ‘STOP’ and  breathe and bring myself out of my mind and pinch my leg or arm to remind myself I am PHYSICAL and plant my feet firmly on the earth and move with a here presence/awareness as I now see/realize/understand to live otherwise is to not be life at all but existing a program  forever stuck in a loop, running but destined to re-live the past over and over again, as /from the starting point of memories!

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop myself from deliberately not be as diligent in being aware of my breath moment to moment as the tool I have to stay out of my mind because I am (for one reason) being directed by the emotion of fear that the symptoms of my throat constricting & extreme anxiety will return as I now see/realize/understand to remain as I am, in self-interest and survival mode, is no longer acceptable or desirable to me

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to stop all such participation with/as internal conversation/backchat about not thinking/using my mind, by bringing myself out of  my mind and back down to earth with /as breath, as I now see/realize/understand having thoughts going round and round in my mind /or ‘new’ inspirational thoughts coming up is not effective at all and has never really supported me throughout my life but just bombarded and overwhelmed and confused me, I won’t neglect people or things that need to be done as I will organize and direct my ‘to do’ list more effectively at a set time to sit down and do that task of organization, I am judging animals/nature in separation of myself when I was assuming they were ‘vacant’ when all along they (having no consciousness systems) have direct seeing in this world which is what I am working towards through DIP, I will not go broke but will actually be able to direct my finances much more efficiently when my mind is slowed down and I let myself deal only with the physical reality of facts and figures, instead of my mind based on  fear and/or excitement, when I compare and judge myself with others I do so from the starting point of separation and interpretation of the mind and it is an excuse to not stand up for equality/back out/not blog, finally, I will be able to take care of myself /my health much more effectively choosing food that is healthy for the body  instead of being influenced by my mind of wants/needs/desires choosing  too many sweets/overeating for the positive energy experience.

In that, I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to stop all such participation as internal conversation/backchat that direct seeing would be too difficult for me because I am incompetent or that it will somehow make me special or live longer or I’ll be able to ‘read’ people as I now see/realize/understand it is a process which will take several years and begins simply with the realizations that come from doing self-forgiveness on a daily basis and I do not need to use my imagination to frighten myself, putting myself forward in some fantasy of the future but need to stay here and get on with my process and task at hand, I also realize to see directly versus using ones mind is not magical nor special but natural once we as the human race stop using consciousness as the mind and can begin to live respectfully, equally toward all life on this planet. As well I understand, as I am born into the physical, I will be able to assist others in their process and this has already began online through blogging and vlogging and it is not ‘reading’ anyone but sharing what I have learned through my process with Desteni. Finally, I do not need to suppose/guess/wonder/interpret anything through my mind if I would live longer/have any physical benefits from process as it makes sense when one is more physical and out of the mind that one will know/understand/see what is occurring in the physical body and direct ones self accordingly toward life here to enjoy a healthy existence!

I commit myself to stop myself when I find I am engaging/participating in emotions of fear &/or excitement when I have followed the thought, ‘But I have to think! It’s  how I get things done & it’s what distinguishes the human from all other life forms!’ I stop and I breathe and remind myself to engage in these emotion and feelings only serves to harm my physicality by transferring these physical energies into mind energies, which strengthen the mind and in the process uses my very physicality to eat away the flesh of my body .Instead, I say no to the emotions and feelings and bring myself back to the physical–strengthening me HERE and my resolve to investigate/solve issues in the physical and not following thoughts that lead to emotions that serve no purpose but to  keep me occupied in the mind or entertain me, as I now see/realize/understand I am not a story but LIFE HERE and I cannot give myself the gift of life if I let fear tell me who I am /what to do and I cannot effectively direct myself to support and assist others if I am chained by fear of the unknown, of ‘who will I be?’ without my mind.

I commit myself to, assist and support myself through self-trust-to ‘… align myself with this process from thinking to direct seeing and living in breath in the physical body… although I don’t know who I will be exactly, I DO KNOW I can stop participation in thought and I am OK, I’m still here, I did not die or become a zombie or ‘like an animal’ (my addition) What do I know? I am here with me in every moment of breath, as I walk each breath, I am here, as I stop participation with thoughts, I am here, therefore I walk with me in every moment of breath, that is what I know. My relationship with me, as the trust of me being here-establish TRUST.’ Anu.

Day 57: Walking the Solution: Stressed Out By the Little things part 7

Continuing with Commitment Statements–as the practical living daily solution, after walking the self forgiveness (Day 53 and 54) as to WHY I would accept and allow myself, to torture myself, with continual thoughts about ‘the little things’ that needed to be done in my day.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to longer suppress myself/remain silent when I see an injustice in this world but continue to speak up, as in write about it/vlog about it through my participation withDesteni as I now /see/realize/understand we are not separate but a whole living entity called ‘earth’ and we all effect each other and we must learn to live/breathe as one and equal so all may enjoy/flourish/grow to their utmost potential of /as life and no one and nothing is left behind as ‘small’ ‘unimportant’ as I felt often as a child.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I find I am going into/engaging in memories, as moving pictures in my mind, of my siblings being verbally harassed/abused by my father, and then participating in the emotion of guilt by immediately stop myself, saying NO and move my attention/awareness to REALITY in paying attention to what I am facing/doing in the PHYSICAL as I now see, realize and understand the more I participate in these memories, the more I am giving energy to the Mind and the less I am actually contributing to myself/my living here and will so no more accept/allow memories to decide who I am, as I WILL myself to move myself into and as actual, physical, practical, real application.  As well, I see/understand it is useless and a waste of my time, as it does not change the past/assist my siblings in any way  but who I am/how I move here, in each moment of breath, does/can effectively change my living/life and possibly that of another who is interested in hearing the Desteni message.

I commit myself to stop myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, whenever I find I am becoming the ‘incompetent’ character as I now see/realize/understand it was my Dad’s own lack of self-trust/honesty and addiction to alcohol that caused him to treat his children as ‘less than’ as well I have taken on this ‘incompetent’ character and lived it as me, beLIEving the lie– that these memories/thoughts/fears/emotions/pictures in my mind–are me, when they are not me, but a running/live program that exists within my very flesh as the mind embodiment/physical mind, making it impossible for me to direct myself here, in each moment as the breath of life, stealing my very life, as I am constantly preoccupied with this incompetent character chattering away to me and then giving up or rushing and then manifesting it/proving it to myself , re-living the past over and over.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I am directed by self-doubt/second guessing my decisions, and hence fear of failure, because I am not good enough/competent to make the ‘right’ choice and in that constantly being in fear of attack, as in verbal assault/criticism as I now see/realize/understand this is an excuse to limit myself and not change and, as well, it is based on self-interest of supposedly protecting myself from the big bad world and authority figures and hence I used substances-alcohol, sleep aids, food- or exercise, sex, excitment to ‘feel’ better and is not useful to me or anyone/thing else as it makes no contribution to changing me in my living as what is best for all or changing the world as a whole into a place of equality.

Day 51: Stressed Out Crazy Woman: The Little Things part 1

For the past 5 weeks I have been working 2 jobs: a daycare in my home and foreign students boarding with us and I have been experiencing increasing  anxiety, a flood of thoughts and reactions concerning the little things that need to be done, in my day. In the next number of posts, I will tackle this personality, the totally stressed out, crazy, middle aged woman. As I hesitate now, thinking, it seems too much, impossible to remember all the thoughts, I realize one begins this process by….well, beginning!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘It is too much, I cannot remember all the thoughts I have had over the last 5 weeks about this overwhelming feeling, there is so much more I need to cover, I’ll never get through it.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear, at following the first thought, as in ‘its too much’ and opening the door to subsequent thoughts telling me why it is too much (whatever ‘it’ is, in this case to cover all the thoughts I had about handling the 2 jobs during a day), beLIEving these thoughts to be me and accepting this fear as me, then letting the fear build into anxiety, in my body, of tightening of my throat/chest/pit of my stomach.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,  ‘there is not enough time’ as in not enough time to get all the little things/jobs done in my day and still have time for process (Desteni I Process) and to ‘be a wife’ (another character for another post).

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to breathe and then immediately rise from bed RIGHT AWAY when I wake up/the alarm goes off,  but instead to lie in bed and allow thoughts to start, re-booting my mind consciousness systems so I am starting my day, once again, as an organic robot of the mind, with the continual/constant running of the program of thoughts, instead of a self-directive being, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let a number of images comes up in my mind, one after another, leading to feeling overwhelmed: dishes, laundry, shopping, running out of food for the ELS (English language Students), the grocery stores I go to, my dog, pictures of the children I have in my daycare, pictures of the ELS staying with us, the doctor’s office, the drive test center, the mammogram clinic, driving with my son, my husband at his office.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/engage/participate in the following thought pattern as backchat/inner conversation:

Shit A. is going to be here in a few minutes, I hope I can get breakfast out for the ELS before they come down, why is T. coming down so early now? It’s like she’s coming down earlier and earlier, why doesn’t she come down at the agreed upon time? She’s just in the fucking way. I havn’t even washed their dishes from yesterday, gotta pack their lunches, shit we’re out of ham, I have to buy more jam and eggs for tomorrow , oh yeah and milk, I wish the kids (daycare children) wouldn’t use the bloody milk,  I don’t want to talk to anyone this morning, I just want my coffee, I wish they would just fucking leave, I can’t wait until they leave, 7 days to go, thank god, I havn’t called my Mom for a week, I have to/should call her, we’re almost out of tp, it’s garbage day, I forgot, now I’m going into a sweat (menopause symptom) fuck when is this going to end, nothing works, I can’t sleep, I have to nap this afternoon and then I don’t have enough time for process (DIP: Desteni I Process) and participation,  Oh shit, A. let the bloody cat in, I’ve told them not to, the students don’t like the cat on the counter,  too much, I hate this, I can’t wait till they leave, oh god , what a bitch I’m being, they are both awesome young women, why am I doing this. Oh yeah, the dentist should have told me it would be an extra $1600 (over and above what my insurance covered) to get this bridge done, that just pisses me off, she has no idea what I have had to go through to pay this bill. Shit, I forgot P. (my son) wants to go for a driving lesson/practice, he still hasn’t got the parking permit for that car his Dad lent him, I forgot gotta pay that parking ticket.Well, there goes my day, I’ll have to pick up the kids from school after that. I wish we could just move, if we move I don’t have to work/earn nearly as much income. Our mortgage is waaay to high. I wish R. (my husband) would agree to move out of the city and we could have no mortgage for god sake! I’m going to search online again and show him houses we can afford. Fuck I wish we could just move. Who needs this fucking stress, bills, bills, bills, we are forever behind. My notes-to do list-is a mess, I have to re-write it, why is it always a mess, why do I write it on such small paper, why do I always have 2?A. (one of the daycare children) is such a pain in the ass, so difficult, it’s my fault I let her manipulate me, I’m not strong/consistent enough for her. And they come so bloody early, I hate that 7am facing her first thing in my day, she’s mean and self-centered, without her it would be so much easier, I’ll tell her mom just till the new year and I’m done, its $700/month so I’ll get a tenant NOT ELS that I have to cook for and include in the family/entertain/act as ‘house mother’ for, just a tenant/student going to a local college, fuck I’m hot and now I’m cold, I don’t know if I’m hot or cold, R. is so cheap he always turns down the heat, fuck, when is this going to stop I can’t stand it (the menopause sweats). A is getting a little better this year, I don’t want to hurt A or her mom’s feelings and make her have to find other daycare, maybe I can stand it. At least I can enjoy a smoke, I shouldn’t smoke, I shouldn’t have lied to the doctor and said I did not smoke, he may not have put me on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) or as strong, if I said I smoked, I don’t smoke much.  Why does A’s mom keep asking me to babysit on a weekend night, I told her I’m not doing that anymore, It’s hard to say no to her, its too much, you look after your own kid, I feel like a bloody slave, she’s like 5 kids in one, its exhausting, you do it and I’ll go out! that so mean of me, she’s a single mom, like I was, its hard, I love them both, I just don’t want to look after her anymore. She ‘s a difficult kid, I’m not good at it, I’m so done…..’

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have these thoughts bring on the reactions of the following emotions and feelings: FEAR: of death/suffering/not enough sleep/of not enough time/of loss/rejection/not enough money/poverty/criticism and the emotions of : anxiety, regret, guilt,  inferiority/less than/not good enough, blame, impatience, judgement of others, self-judgement .

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, subsequently, experience the following behavioral changes in my physical human body:  a tightening in my throat, a tightening in my chest and stomach–all like severe anxiety, difficulty breathing, increase in heart rate (sometimes), shortness of breath, pain from tension in my shoulders and upper back.

Self-Commitment Statements to follow in post:  Day 52

Day 49: Can you break a sleeping pill addiction?

I used over the counter sleep medication for years, about 10 years, not a prescribed narcotic ‘sleeping pill’ but none the less a physical and psychological dependency. I started taking these pills sporadically when I was having trouble with my mind and then also when I found I was waking up, not getting a good sleep, from my alcoholism. One thing leads to another. So I was not falling asleep regularly but passing out and waking up feeling horrible and having difficulty getting back/staying asleep. Also I was experiencing trouble with my mind chatter and not being able to sleep because of the ‘noise’ in my head and being frightened by images/dreams/’messages’/information coming to me while I slept. Quite terrifying.

Desteni freed me from this dependency, no doubt about it, as I now understand and do not fear my mind (of course understanding the mind is a process). I have been free from taking any sleep medication now for one year (and free from alcohol for almost 9 years). Now it is time to free myself from the memories of this addiction, let’s begin!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drug myself so that I could sleep. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to be so afraid of myself, separating me from myself, that I had to drug myself to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know better than doctors what to do with my body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust the medical profession or my family or my ex’s family that they would let the children stay with me (let me raise them) if I told them I was ‘hearing voices’ and couldn’t sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to the extent I placed all my trust /respect /love outside of myself in separation of myself and got so sick I nearly died. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself be influenced by guilt which was triggered by the thought, ‘Now I have a dependency on sleeping pills, I shouldn’t take them but they help me sleep, it is frightening to sleep otherwise and I need sleep to function.’

I forgive myself for being directed by the emotion of pride triggered by the thought, “Soon after I found Desteni and understood what was happening with my mind I no longer let my mind frighten/bully me at night and began withdrawing from this dependency almost right away.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on longer than I needed to , to start withdrawing from the sleep aid thinking/justifying, ‘It’s a comfort to me, it feels good, I don’t drink now so no big deal.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear triggered by the thought, ” I shouldn’t have taken sleep medication, it is a drug, I wonder what the long term effects are of taking these things for years?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt triggered by the thought,”‘It’s difficult for me to get a 9 to 5 job again because of the sleep medication, I am ‘damaged goods’ not a ‘full person’ anymore, oh well, I guess my husband could leave me because I don’t earn a lot of income, I should have married someone with more money.” I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself go into an energetic reaction of sadness and self-pity triggered by the thought, ‘I am damaged goods because I went nuts, drank and then used sleeping pills to survive my mind.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize the use of a sleep aid so I could keep my ‘comfort’ knowing it limited the number of productive hours I have in a day, it is a ball and chain (dependency on a drug is an enslavement) in that I never want to run out or not have them if I am not at home unexpectedly, I need to take them at a precise time each night, they cost money , they make me groggy when I’m awake and cause me to have a rest/nap mid-day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drug myself so I am not able to be a fully functioning participant in my world and I am instead enslaved to sleep and a ‘feeling’ of tiredness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as an escape from my reality with the thought, ‘oh well, I’ll just get through this day, it doesn’t matter if I nap, it’s almost over’, instead of seizing the opportunity of each moment to live/give/ and receive in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by ‘worry’ and ego about what others will think of me, think that I am stupid, less than, undeserving because of my dependency on a sleep medication. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping pills as my alcoholism worsened to be able to ‘get through the night’ and not wake up so early and sleep through part of the ‘hang over’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my dependency on sleep aids from my husband triggered by the thought, ‘He won’t respect me/love me/won’t marry me/ will leave me if he knows I take sleeping pills.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my use of a sleeping aid from others as in my children, family,  friends and people in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) brought up by the thought, ‘They won’t respect me, love me, will abandon me, will say I am still an addict if they know I use a sleep aid.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘Fuck them, I know what I’m doing, I can do what I want, it hurts no one but me, I am doing what I need to survive, ‘if I stop drinking booze but can’t sleep, it just doesn’t work!’  in relation to my use of a sleep aid.

Day 47: Alcoholism and how it Related to Doubting Myself Part 7

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a relative hugging me/consoling me after she heard I got horribly drunk at my parents 50th wedding anniversary party that she could not attend, bringing up the thought, ‘R. is very sweet to stand up for me. I am very embarrassed. I guess everyone knows what happened.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another another relative, who is an alcoholic, pouring hard liquor down his throat in the forest by the cottage  and passing out and think, ‘Poor M. he is a severe alcoholic and cannot drink. He’s so miserable and fucked up. He should go to AA (alcoholics anonymous) and learn how to live sober’, in total denial of my own alcoholism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in W’s kitchen, as she offered to watch my kids when I went to a AA meeting, her house being large and incredibly opulent and thinking, ‘Her husband is so successful and decent and handsome. She never has to worry about money. I wonder how that feels? I wish I could feel that. I am such a pathetic loser. I married the wrong man, she was smart, she married the ‘right’ man. Oh god, get this over with. I can’t wait to get home and drink. Stupid bitch, she thinks it so simple with her ‘help’, it’s just one meeting, tomorrow who is going to watch the kids? No one and I will drink, oh fuck what a loser. Look at all she has, it is so beautiful and comfortable here, my kids love it here. Just get through this and home soon and drink, thank god… soon.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by regret, shame, guilt, self-hate, humiliation, fear, jealousy, confusion, self-pity bring up the thought, ‘What does she think, one meeting is going to change anything. I know it won’t. Just go and come back and get your kids and get them out of her clutches of ‘we have so much, abundance and you don’t’ and get home so you can drink.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m never going to get through this, it’s too much, it’s not going to change anything. I should be making money.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself having no regard for my physical health. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and instead put my ‘faith’ in my ‘higher power’=my mind and follow it’s ‘guidance‘.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust and therefore my actions outside of myself in others and the idea of a ‘higher power’ in total separation of myself and my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize my alcoholism and instead live/exists in total self-pity and self-victimization, not taking responsibility and empowering myself with my own ability to change my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking, “Life should not be something you just ‘get through’” and doubted sticking to my guns (my decision to not re-enter the work force because I did not believe in the world money/business systems) but instead ‘felt’ defeated by the world and wondered if everyone else was ‘right’ and I should just get a regular job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate the responsibility for the health of my human physical body to… what?  Chance, luck, doctors, miracles, money, god, spirits, prayer, hope.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt what I have questioned (way back in my mind, I didn’t think I had the right to question) throughout my life; why shouldn’t I be in complete control of my physical human body, why don’t I know what’s going on with my body, who designed this, it sucks, it should be changed so humans are not such prisoners in their bodies, it should be a delight to exist, not so precarious and frightening, every time you walk out the door something can kill you. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in my right to ask these questions in fearing the creator would think I was ungrateful and therefore undeserving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking, ‘No wonder I drank, life sucked, I’d rather be drunk than have to submit to the world systems. Thank god for Desteni.‘

Day 46: How Do I Face What I Have Done? Solution: Commitment Statements part 6

Now that one has got a new starting point/foundation as one has applied self-forgiveness, how do you practically walk/apply this, day to day?  Through the writing and living of commitment statements:

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I have a memory arise within me of when L. would ask what I was drinking, or why I smelt funny, and breathe and not follow these memories further but to stand and gain self-awareness back here in the physical -to what is real and current before me- as I now see /realize/understand it is not by engaging in memories and then emotions and behaviors that things are righted, as I only go into an energetic reaction of guilt that harms me, but it is by directing myself here, and speaking self-honestly in the moment to my daughter that is effective. I realize I have spoken to her several times during my sobriety and made amends and more importantly,  make a daily living amends by being sober and available anytime to/for her.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I allow myself to get to the point of playing out a scene/memory of when I used to hang out at bars and have superficial encounters with men, be elated while getting ready to go out, treat the men I met in bars as ‘insignificant’ without the starting point of one and equal,  as I now see/realize/understand to continue/follow these memories further will only lead me into the emotions of guilt/blame/regret which is a waste of time/does not change the past is a total replay of a replay of a replay …… as such is useless, as this only uses energy from the emotions to transform substance/physicality into further mind energy which only serves to harm the physical body as it gets slowly eaten away. I realize I was not capable at the time to treat these men with the respect they deserve as life, one and equal to me, and I do not allow myself to participate in such behavior now.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and focus back on physical reality each time I have a memory arise about when I used to drink and then call my parents or others. I commit myself to not engage participate in the emotions that subsequently arise of guilt and shame as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible human being/daughter but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application, to stop myself by being aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret/humiliation of the past when a memory/thought /picture arises,  in my mind, of the time when a relative bought gifts for my children at christmas and I had none for her children.  I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.  Furthermore, I see/realize/understand christmas is bullshit/meaningless and, until we create a world that is best for all in equality, I do not participate in christmas (I will in small way so as to not upset/be a rebel in my family, whom I respect) and I know this person and I are one and equal, in fact, and money does not define us, as money will one day disappear and there will be nothing left but the being to face herself (both me and her-not suggesting I have not been guilty of consumerism, I have).

Day 45: Alcoholism: How Do I Face What I Have Done? part 5

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of L. saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I stank of booze through my pores and was sweaty and shaky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, sitting at the bar smoking thinking about the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, I just used them to feed my ego, I used them physically and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I never remembered them and I would brush them off  because I was hung over and feeling like crap, me me me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to those men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me, on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across as a super friendly/flirty/strong/confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, how pathetic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being self-honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better/superior or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex- husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a relative, one Christmas, at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage, a husband who is a ‘good’ guy, and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idiot, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face.  She has positioned herself in the world systems so she ‘has it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck, I am a complete loser and she is so together, why did she have to do that and throw it in my face? She is so insensitive.”

Solution: Facing these consequences as memories With Commitment Statements to follow