Please read the previous posts, Day 108/109 for context to this blog in which I outline the problem -A lifetime of increasing debt, caused by a pattern of fear of failure, manifesting as the ‘I’m not good enough’ character and then using hope/dreaming/spirituality, basically chasing my tail around instead of practical movement in reality, to not really try to better my income, thus getting entrenched into and living out these characters AS ME.
Continuing with the SOLUTION: Applying self-forgiveness and living/walking a self-corrective application with each breath throughout one’s day.
From the previous post:
Thought: I hate that I borrowed money throughout my life and that I still owe people/institutions money. I wish I could turn back the clock and act responsibly. I would not do it again
Note: If you are new to this blog, I have been sober now for 9 years! Lol, I have received some comments from very upset readers concerned/angered about me as a mom. Also, to note, when I say I was drinking alcoholically, it is a slow progression of a disease, you are not a full blown drunk right away, so the years when my children were young it was very easy to ‘hide’/I would appear completely normal to people/could handle it very well. Not an excuse or to say it had no effect/influence on my life or children’s lives. They did not see me drunk until near the end of the drinking years, which was horrible enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat around this issue: ‘I wonder what they think of me, maybe I’ll pay them back when I have more money later in life, they don’t need the money, they are lucky as they are rich, my family actually needs the money, how much will I pay them back, I should give money to a worth while cause and not to rich people just because I owe it, it was for the children, I wouldn’t have borrowed it in the fist place if I did not have the children, I only owe it cause my ex left the marriage, their relative did not live up to his commitments that ‘s why I borrowed in the fist place, to support the children and why I owe them money now, they are rich- screw paying them back, I should pay them, it is the principal of the situation, it is living with integrity to pay the banks and rich ex-relatives back, but I need the money and they don’t, I don’t know.. what the hell, life is weird and unfair, it is a dilemma!’
Why do I talk myself in circle in my head like this ? What do I desire/not want to give up?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am being directed by anger: about past failure-so living within/as the starting point of the past and worry that this issue wont’ get resolved & anger at my parents, as in blaming them for my financial failure-as in marrying a man who is a bully/verbally abusive like my Dad and so the marriage eventually failed & I had the example of my mom being at stay at home mom and wanted the same for my life and so did not further pursue a career after my first child & anger at the world systems for a society where some have so much and some so little and when I found myself as a ‘have not’ it was very difficult to ‘get on my feet again’ almost impossible without family assistance. Also I afraid that if I don’t review these issues (of the backchat above about my debt) over and over in my mind, I’ll forget or miss something, which is not trusting my process of stopping thoughts, to stabilize myself here in physical equality and oneness. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I desire to be seen as a winner, and to be liked, I don’t want to give that up, being seen as a character in a story, ‘who failed but then lived up to her responsibilities-came through in the end with grace and no bitterness’ kind of thing.
In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am/have been directed by guilt that I was not mentally healthy /stable enough at the time I borrowed to organize myself to make monthly payments, which I see now would have been a sensible solution, I acted in self-interest and followed my ego of wanting to be a songwriter, which was not realistic (I realize it was fun and that is ok for enjoyment!) because it takes money to record and promote and it takes a clear head to write and record and promote and I was an active alcoholic during the years I went into alot of debt AND NOT OF CLEAR MIND. I also realize my fear f failure stopped me from any serious attempt at promoting/sharing/performing music and of course, the stuff I wrote may not have made income regardless. And so I realize I should have created another path (I did make income-basement apartment, summer students, daycare in home) to make more steady income to pay my debts and not allow bills/financial commitments to pile up throughout the year so I need, yet another loan!
When and as I see myself falling into participating/engaging in inner conversation/backchat about owing money to people and institutions, making excuses, blaming, etc. I say ‘stop, not participating, back to breath’ and I take in a deep breath and focus on my physicality and my day and get on with the task at hand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the following emotions around this issue of debt: fear, sadness, regret, remorse, embarrassment, shame, anger, resent, inferior, superior, blame, self-blame, lethargy, apathy, hopelessness, helplessness. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am living out the ‘not good enough’ character of letting the mind of ‘fear of failure’ direct me/my day instead of me directing myself in each moment–so I used alcohol, sleep, spirituality (belief in a higher power), writing music, dreaming of success–to postpone, not try, give up to really take steps to tackle my lack of movement to financially get myself stable, independent of any financial institution or personal financial assistance, so as not to keep taking money out of my mortgage to survive-depleting my only asset-which would lead to further, future financial dependency.
When and as I see myself participating in such emotions around the issue of personal debt, I remind myself I am physical and I touch myself and use breath to bring myself back down to earth and t stabilize myself here as I now see/realize/understand engaging in these emotions only further harms my physicality and does not change the situation, I have settled quite a bit of my debt in the last few years and will figure out the rest in time, I will pay back the ones who have an abundance of money last-an agreed upon percent, as they do not need it in common sense and that is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so possessed by my reactions of emotions I was unaware the effect this was having on my human physical body; stress/strain on my back and shoulder and facial muscles, tight jaw, shallow breathing, holding my breath, tightness in my solar plexes and all this allowing this energy to break down the substance of my muscle tissue so essentially eat away at the cell/structure of the physical, depleting it and aging it or causing disease over time. Why? To use the substance to produce/substantiate more energy! Like I am being used as an energy machine -my emotions the fuel to keep the machine –as the mind/conscious/sub-con/un-con–running. But if I allow this machine to keep running then I am not life HERE the machine is , I am just an organic robot REACTING, which harms me and others that I love/respect. This is unacceptable to me now.
When and as I see myself going into a behavioral change within my physical body, I immediately stop myself, using my breath to pull myself back down to earth–get re-grounded as I now see /realize/understand to let myself get this far means I have lost my true beingness lost in my mind and followed a thought allowing it to control my very physicality which results in harm. I remind myself I no longer accept myself to let the past control me through fear I cannot change the past through the emotions of regret and sadness but I can resolve issues in the present and move myself responsibly to ensure the past is not repeated and to be compassionate to/with others who experience debt/financial stress and work toward a lasting solution, EMC (Equal Money Capitalism). I use my breath and carry on with my day, remaining out of my ‘head’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of engaging in my mind instead of remaining present/here with breath of ; strengthening my mind- as the conscious and subconscious- and not strengthening my stand here, not being able to be fully aware and really engage in a meaningful or supportive way-as behaving and treating others how I would want to be treated in the same situation with patience and fairness and not bringing in the past to the conversation, not exemplifying the Desteni message of oneness and equality and being fully physical (not a mind system) so as to not stand as complete stability in each moment, as someone that can be trusted to do/live the principal of ‘what is best for all’ and not just in self-interest (and I am accusing others-my creditors- in my mind of not being trustworthy), and lastly, I timeloop myself and have to face this point, of thinking and following the thought, ‘I hate that I borrowed money throughout my life and that I still owe people/institutions money. I wish I could turn back the clock and act responsibly. I would not do it again’, over and over again until I am able to trust myself not to engage/participate in the mind, breathe through it, when it comes up.
I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to the process of freeing myself and others from the many consequences that result from mind participation and specifically around this issue of me acting as ‘the debtor’ and ‘I’m not good enough’ characters. Thus, when I see these characters, I immediately stop, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand when I participate in the mind I create consequences, which creates a time loop, so I am not facing myself in self-honesty in that moment and will have to re-walk the point , when I could simply slow down and face what has come up within myself- in this moment. I also see it is self-sabotoge, as re-living the past/creating the future from the past, instead of being self-honest/self-directive in the moment here, finally, I do not wish to cause unnecessary harm/strain to others who where trying to assist me financially in the past.
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