Day 153: Who Creates The Subservient Woman? continued

Please note:  Blogs: Day 147-152 are relevant to this post.

Thought:  I’m not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the ‘I’m not good enough’ character in reaction to a non-response from another or what I perceive to be a negative response from another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, when someone  does not respond to me/notice me, that I am insignificant because I ASS-u-Me they are ignoring me and think I am insignificant, thereby completely victimizing myself and following another instead of directing myself/standing as myself but waiting for their response to validate me/give me purpose instead of validating myself in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear, anger, blame, judgement, self-judgement and self-punishment when another person does not respond to me and to allow these negative energies to possess me. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the positive energies of relief, validation, ease, feeling  a false sense of stability if they should respond at a later time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in internal conversation/backchat like: he/she thinks it’s ok to ignore me because I’m insignificant/I’m a failure/I’m not as good as the others/I will die /I’m not going to make it/my work is not as good as the others/I don’t do enough/I don’t do things right/I’m not that smart/I’m not thorough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then experience physical body reactions of :  a severe welling up in my solar plexes-reacting like I’ve been attacked-like a ball of  anxiety, tightening of my shoulders and upper back, clenching of my jaw, all this resulting in body aches and extreme uneasiness causing tension and stress throughout my body.

When and as I see myself going into the ‘I’m not good enough’ character because of a non-response or a response I thought was negative from another, I pull myself out of my mind of thought and back down to earth, I use my breath to stabilize myself and remind myself no one can create my reaction BUT ME and that is the part I am responsible for. I also realize I tend to ‘jump to conclusions’ moving too quickly in my mind and need to slow down and consider my every thought/word /deed, as in stabilize myself here and then assess/speak/direct the situation in common sense and self-honestly, considering all involved equally.  In that , I also see I need to stop all judgements and assumptions and look at what is real, my part in it, and go from there.

When and as I see myself going into polarizing energy emotions, depending upon how the situation turns out-gets left or resolved- I stop myself and bring myself back here, to the physical and deal with the situation in reality, as energy is not required and only depletes me. I now see/realize/understand I have been dependent upon the acceptance and approval from others-usually men but sometimes women in authority positions- to tell me how to feel, as depending upon the interaction I am : happy or sad/high or low/good enough or a loser/will live or die.  I commit to no longer give someone, outside of myself, such power/authority.

When and as I see myself participating in nasty backchat/internal conversation around this issue I stop, I breathe and bring my awareness out of my mind and back to here, to the physical world, as I now see/realize/understand I am all alone up there in my mind of chatter and paranoia-it is isolating and dangerous as there is no reference or check with reality, it is based on my past experiences/memories from my past and not based on reality today/here, I have no right to judge another and make assumptions about what they say/think of me, as it is obviously what I think AS IT CAME FROM INSIDE OF ME therefore it exist within me and so is my issue to deal with.  I also understand it is quite useless to worry/obsess about this point and  it is better/common sense to just ask the person and see if they have some support/insight they can offer if they feel I have an area that needs attention/improvement.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

For further reference, read  the Equal Money  Wiki

• Place your questions as the Equal Money Forum
• Visit the Group Capitalism vs. Equal Money group on Facebook.
• Read the Equal Money  Wiki
• Read Economist’s Journey to Life

Day 152: Who CREATES the Subservient Woman?

Please read the previous posts, day 147-151, for context to this blog.  Continuing…

So, how do I practically walk the change/the solution, being a new relationship, one of total responsibility , within the word ‘creator’?

 Self-Corrective Statements and Self-Corrective Application:

When and as I see myself going into blame within the current financial situation of my life-which is a consequence of my past action or inaction- I stop and bring myself back to breath, to here, as I now see/realize/understand I am the creator of my life/existence as I am capable of making changes (and I have done this) to my income, so becoming financially independent, I have for the most part taken care of  the debt I accumulated throughout my life, I have an equal partnership within my marriage today whereby I am responsible for most of the household duties and contribute  some income and my partner makes most of the financial contribution, I have all I need and no longer am plagued by want/desires, I am grateful for all I have and realize billions of people/animals/nature’s many species suffer from lack due to the inequality of the current world systems and I am contributing to bringing about a world which will share the resources in a way that is best for all.

When and as I see myself creating the consequence of self-harm/self-victimization, by reacting to a memory, specifically the memory of my father saying ‘Sandy always tries so hard, even when she knows she won’t win’  ( my dad was referring to a running race when I was in primary school), I stop I breathe and bring my awareness back to the physical, to here, as I now see/realize/understand I do not have to allow this memory to define me, it holds no power over me except what I decide in each moment to give it, my father did not mean I would never win-that was my reaction and I have used it as an excuse to ‘not try’/give up at times in my life- and therefore my responsibility, I actually did think I had the chance to win and do not allow myself any longer to give up before I even try something/start something new because of fear of failure, I cannot be a creator if I allow fear and memories define who I am here.

When and as I see myself reacting with the emotions of fear, anger, resentment, and blame because I have given my authority/power away to another, I stop and remind myself I am the authority in my life/I am the moving force that is breathing/speaking/doing and thus the creator and no one else, I also realize these emotions create the consequence of leading me into non-action and so depression/apathy, thus I cannot grow/expand/learn and apply/give and share with others. I state clearly, No,this is no longer who I am, I commit me to change’ and carry on with the task before me.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE

RE-PARENT YOURSELF: RE-BIRTH YOURSELF TO BECOME THE LIVING WORD!

	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development: Phase I: 0-1 Years Phase II: 1-3 Years Phase III: 3-7 Years
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: The relationship to Sound and Energy of Words.
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when the Baby Resists the Energy of the Words?
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when a Baby Accepts the Energy of the Words?

Day 151: Changing my Relationship to the Word ‘Creator’ 5

Please read the previous posts, day 147-150, for context to this blog.  Continuing…

So, how do I practically walk the change/the solution, being a new relationship, one of total responsibility , within the word ‘creator’?

 Self-Corrective Statements and Self-Corrective Application:

When and as I see myself participating with inner talk/backchat around the word ‘creator’ and all my associations within this word I immediately stop and breathe, bringing my awareness back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand  this is a part of the pattern/reaction of the character ‘I’m not good enough’ who goes into fear of death/harm and self-interest, who blames circumstances on another, who puts men in little boxes and gives the box a label, who ‘complies’ and accepts the role of victim. As this is ineffective, for my own life and as part of the whole of humanity, I no longer allow myself to engage.

When and as I see myself engaging in inner chatter connecting ‘creator’ to some spiritual force, I stop and remind myself No More, I do not allow my awareness, my ‘who I am’ to be defined as such energies/words, as in apathy and resignation or peace/love/light, in which I abdicate responsibility for the extensive abuse in this world, thus I stop and I breathe and commit me to change.

When and as I see myself connecting the word ‘creator’ to a picture of a man-my father/husband/boss/older man/etc-and believing he has authority/power over me, I should comply/please him/live up to his standard/think I am not one of his favorite ones as in I’m not special-a winner/I am disposable so I should be even more cautious than others— I stop I breathe and bring myself out of my mind as I now see/realize/understand THE ONLY ONE I NEED TO BE ACCEPTABLE TO IS MYSELF, and as I can trust myself to make responsible decisions from the starting point of what is best for all, I can relax and get on with living and not just existing in fear of what someone else will do to me to punish me. I also realize this fear of punishment is based on the past as memories of my father in my childhood and is not reality today.

*When and as I see myself reacting with emotions and feeling in association to the word creator-in relation to the past- I bring myself back to the physical with breath and state clearly No More, I do not allow myself to be controlled by these energies of fear/anger/helplessness, I am me here and I am able to discern fantasy from reality and act-not just react- in self-responsibility to move myself  confidently and trust myself,  more and more, within my process of self-discovery. I breathe until I regain stability (no more energy movement within) and continue with my day.

*Note: this does not mean one does not express themselves in self-honesty in the moment, of course we should as this is life and reality here, so not to suppress/stuff down what you feel, for example, if I saw the birth of a child and I felt such joy it brought me to tears, then cool, let it out.  It is not to carry the past around as memories and react to the present -from the starting point of these memories, which is the point of this exercise.

Day 150: Changing my Relationship to the Word Creator 4

Please read the previous three posts, day 147/148/149, for context to this blog.

So, how do I practically walk the change/the solution, being a new relationship, one of total responsibility , within the word ‘creator’?

Self-Corrective Statements and Self-Corrective Application:

When and as I see myself existing from the starting point of separation to/with the word ‘creator’ , as in something outside of myself did this/is responsible for this/did this to me/manifest this/caused this, I stop, I breathe and bring my awareness back to the physical as I now see/realize/understand there is an inter-connectedness to all things and an inter-dependancy within all things so I am no more and no less a /the creator than any other being/thing is the creator, in oneness and equality.

When and as I see myself connecting words and polarities in association to the word ‘creator’ I stop myself and pull myself back to the physical with breath as I now see/realize/understand I do not require to be all in awe of something as nature is simply expressing itself and I can in common sense enjoy that expression, I do not need to mystify and justify what exists within the cycles of life and death or within the world systems, physical reality as it currently exists is what it is, for the moment until we can together and individually change/alter  things so they exist within what is best for all.

When and as I see myself going into self-blame/punishment/judgement, based on the past, in relation to animal abuse in the make-up industry, my lack of understanding of the human mind and how this affected my children and my lack of awareness of the inequality that has existed around me, I stop and breathe, I remind myself, ‘No, I refuse to participate in such thoughts, it is useless to hold self-blame within me as I did the best I could with the information I had at the time, and am now walking  a process of self-correction to take responsibility’.

When and as I see myself thinking I can’t let go of my ‘comfort’ as in ‘this is too hard to face each day’ (becoming the creator of my inner and outer world- in the process of daily writing /DIP)  I stop and breathe and state clearly, ‘Stop, I no longer find it acceptable to engage in such self-talk and such thoughts. I no longer allow these kind of self-sabotaging thoughts to control me/make decisions for me, I stand firm in knowing who I am, and in what I am facing in this moment and I direct myself to continue/follow through this task to completion.’

When and as I see myself fearing ‘The Creator’ as a god or my father (he created me biologically in a sense) or some other male authority figure, I stop and breathe and remind myself I am the authority in/of my life, as the author, as the directive force-that is in fact moving me in each moment-that is what is real /in reality here and the rest is memories, imagination, information from books and movies-so ALL mind participation! I no longer accept such mind memories to control who and what I am and tell me what to do and what to think, directing me to go into fear and thus become frozen-not moving and therefore not growing/expanding/becoming, and I direct myself to participate/give as I would like to receive/share with all in my world.

When and as I see myself fearing the ‘creator’, as in an outside source, is going to take my life away/reject me/find me unacceptable, therefore, I will DIE, I stop and take a deep breath and bring myself back down to earth and out of the mind, as I now see/realize/understand the only person /most important person I need approval and acceptance from is ME!  The most important relationship I need to focus on-the one I have not focused on- is the relationship with myself, what do I find acceptable? This is what I require to check/reference in a moment that requires decision making/direction. I have common sense and can trust myself to assess a situation clearly/accurately and /or ask for assistance when I need it, therefore I do not require the ‘approval’ from a supposed ‘male authority figure’.

I also realize, I cannot continue the blame game, as in giving my power away to ‘ fear of death’  or a man-who I label an ‘authority figure’ in my mind- and beLIEving an outside source can ‘do this to me‘.  When the truth is, it is me not wanting the responsibility of life and death for myself, and all as me, so I can back away, stay silent, blame and remain victimized,  doing nothing to assist and support the many millions who are suffering extensive abuse in this world. I will have to face death one day, as all others will, and wasting my time fearing it is useless and I cannot be here enjoying/participating in LIFE if I am busy fearing/thinking about death all the time.

To continue

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE

RE-PARENT YOURSELF: RE-BIRTH YOURSELF TO BECOME THE LIVING WORD!

	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development: Phase I: 0-1 Years Phase II: 1-3 Years Phase III: 3-7 Years
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: The relationship to Sound and Energy of Words.
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when the Baby Resists the Energy of the Words?
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when a Baby Accepts the Energy of the Words?

Day 45: Alcoholism: How Do I Face What I Have Done? part 5

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of L. saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I stank of booze through my pores and was sweaty and shaky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, sitting at the bar smoking thinking about the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, I just used them to feed my ego, I used them physically and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I never remembered them and I would brush them off  because I was hung over and feeling like crap, me me me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to those men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me, on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across as a super friendly/flirty/strong/confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, how pathetic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being self-honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better/superior or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex- husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a relative, one Christmas, at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage, a husband who is a ‘good’ guy, and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idiot, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face.  She has positioned herself in the world systems so she ‘has it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck, I am a complete loser and she is so together, why did she have to do that and throw it in my face? She is so insensitive.”

Solution: Facing these consequences as memories With Commitment Statements to follow

Day 42: I Can’t Stop Drinking : comittment statements part 2 of Addiction Character

The first thought is like the first drink!  It’s the one that gets you in ‘trouble’ and leads you down the rabbit hole, therefore it is important to be AWARE.  It’s the first drink that gets you drunk-as you have started the chain of events and the train of thoughts/thought patterns that inevitably lead you to certain reactions (emotions and feelings) and then physical body changes  (ie. tension of muscles) as you become more and more  lost in your mind/possessed by your thoughts.

I commit myself to remain here, in awareness with breath, whenever I think I drank alcoholically for 10 years and this topic is too much/big to possibly ‘get through’ and I now see/realize/understand what is done is done, it is no longer reality and a waste of time to ‘go back’ in time in my mind of thoughts, also I will get through this topic the same way I created my alcohol problem, one breath at a time, therefore I commit to slowing down and take it one word at a time and it will get done, as I remain patient with myself.

I commit myself to, through a daily process of writing/self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop myself whenever I think about how I used alcohol to medicate myself, as I now see/realize/understand it was what I was capable of doing to support myself, at the time, and I did not understand what was happening to me (‘hearing voices’) and I now understand, through DIP (Desteni I Process Course) that it was my own mind speaking to me ( I had accessed my own backchat/inner chatter) but it SEEMED LIKE something/someone else was ‘talking back to me’ in my mind. I know this to be true as I was able to stop the thoughts/control it 100% over time.

*Note: you can read my whole story and watch on youtube , links will be added as the days continue.

I commit myself to support and assist others to understand what I have learned, through participating with Desteni, that there is a ‘cure’ for ‘mental illness‘ and that cure is stopping participation in the mind! If you are currently having trouble with your mind and are on medication -do not stop your medication-enough to know you will be able to in time.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating/engaging in emotions of sadness, regret, anger, fear, jealousy and guilt when remembering/going through all the layers of memory, that I currently exist as- which is embedded into my very physical body from the years I have existed as a mind = participating in thoughts- as I now see/realize/understand this is necessary to release-RE-PROGRAM myself/physical body so I am able to participate in life fully/effectively, as the directive principal of me here and not just an organic robot with thoughts/reactions/pictures in my mind coming up automatically, one leading to another, which makes me exist just as the past-from the starting point of the past-and not here in awareness as life.

I commit myself to stop myself and SLOOOOOOW DOWN, whenever I think alcohol will help me relax, ‘get through’ a social event, help me ‘have more fun’ as I now see/realize/understand I do not require to do/be anything for myself or others, other than just be here-aware and then I am able to really hear them/share with them, instead of being only partially aware of what they are saying because of being half in my secret mind of self-interest-thinking-not listening, ‘what do they think of me/how do I look/will they like me? I don’t like their new hair cut/I wonder how much money they made this year?…’

I commit myself to, through a daily process of writing/self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop all participation in, reactions of emotions of guilt/regret/sadness/fear with regard to engaging in my mind of memories (thought patterns, pictures in the mind, imaginations ie. changing a memory to an ending I prefer, talking in my head-sentences replaying a memory scene) of drinking and driving/selfish drunken behavior during my children’s birthdays/experiences throwing up/chocking/almost drowning/hangovers ie. consequence of the physical abuse to my body as I now See/Realize/Understand if I participate in these memories I am not STANDING IN ABSOLUTE STABILITY HERE, but am lost in the past in my mind! This is no longer acceptable to me and thus I commit to stop, slooooow down, bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical-TO REALITY- to earth and direct myself in awareness using the tools of breath, hearing the sounds that are going on all around me, being aware of my physical body/nature all around me, BEING HERE.

Addiction Blog to Continue.

Day 40: Can You Overcome Your Fear of Death? Commitment Statements

Again, using these 7 dimensions as a guideline:  Fear, thought, imagination, backchat, reactions, physical and consequence

I commit myself to, whenever I become aware that I am lost in my mind with thoughts of fear of death, stop, breathe, bring myself back to the physical, here, and remind myself when I am busy thinking about death, I am not focused on living/life, which is a total waste of  time, and in this awareness ensure that I do not accept and allow fear of death to influence/control my opportunity that is here in every moment of breath to live/learn how to live.

I commit myself to, when/as a thought manifest in my mind of/as fear of death – as a word: hospital, cancer, process, replacement, bird, grandfather, casket, end, horrible, awful, stiff, dirty, squashed, fake, unnatural OR a single picture/pixel of me in a hospital bed, a dead bird, a car accident, a coffin- to stop and breathe, realising I am Here in this breath in this body that is expressing/moving/functioning, and with me accepting and allowing myself to follow a mere thought, I am missing another breath/moments in which I can practice applying me in stopping participation in the mind and directing myself in the physical, and so apply myself to stop participation in thought, take that breath and remind me that I am already here and utilize that time/breaths effectively for me to stand/learn how to in fact live.

I commit myself to assist and support me, to when/as I find that I am creating a relationship in my mind to imagination-of telling my children I am going to die, being at my own funeral and seeing who is there, going for cancer treatment, ‘failing’ at process (not birthing myself as life in the physcial) , being replaced, a car crashing and me lying dead in the car, being shot, drowning, burning in a fire- instead of being here with and as the physical, to stop and breathe &  to realise that, in and during that process of imagining, all that’s benefitting is the mind/energy, charging up the fear of death character and in that moment direct myself to move into reality, from imagination and continue applying/practicing this as I continue walking my process from the mind to the physical.

I commit myself to, when I find that I’m backchatting about fear of death within my Mind, to see, realise and understand that at this stage/phase of my participation in the Mind I am in the process of validating/defending/justifying a character/personality within me, and so I immediately stop, breathe and have a look at what activated the fear of death, what fear I am in fact facing in that moment, cause what it ‘s showing me is that I immediately went into a ‘fear of death’ reaction, when behind it/within it lies a point that I actually fear losing/giving up cause it will mean change and I don’t want to change, and so I hide behind fear of death instead of being/becoming change and taking responsibility for me. In this I commit myself to face my fear of not seeing/being with my children: to hold them/assist them/enjoy their company, miss seeing the earth in all her beauty of nature, miss the opportunity to support others in process of birthing themselves as life in the physical, give up being noticed ‘liked’ accepted by other destonians and learn to become humble, give up rushing so as to ‘beat’ death, the fear my funeral would not be well attended and that I have not been a ‘good’ person so regret of the past, and to face my feelings of powerlessness/helplessness.

I commit myself to assist and support me to, when/as I go into reactions of emotions and feelings within and as the fear of death character/personality, specifically:  panic, sadness, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, disappointment-as in ‘my death is inevitable’ so powerlessness and then ANGER, rushing to ‘beat’ death and so to take a breath and stop as I see realise and understand that I am in that moment in the movement of the mind as energy MOVING ME instead of me directing myself/my living with and as BREATH, here in and as the reality that is real; and so in this process walk from energy to physicality, walking/practicing this process of being/becoming physical and no more participate in the consequential relationship between the mind of energy to the physical.

I commit myself to assist and support me, when/as I find I’m completely in possession within and as this character, to breathe and to stop, establish/identify the initial starting point of the reaction and walk this character through in finding why/how it is that it took over to such an extent without me being self aware here with the physical, and so in this process practice the walking of me no more accepting/allowing possession to go so far, but become disciplined/directive to stop participation in the mind before the mind takes over to such an extent of taking over the body and so walk my process of as the walking of self forgiveness with the physical, to no more accept/allow the mind to have control, but that I live here and stand here with the physical in walking the process of what it means to in fact live.

I commit myself to assist and support me to stop my fear of death, establish self awareness of me living as I participate in reality, stop the excuse of it being easier to fear death than to learn how to live and face myself, knowing there is no way to hide behind fear of death in my mind to not change/stand up and take responsibility for me,  there is no place to hide from myself, not even in death, and so I will not wait for myself in death to face me or to realise I cannot hide from myself, but commit myself to make the decision to face me here and actually do it.

Day 39: Can You Overcome The Fear of DEATH ?

In this blog I will face my fear of death, write it out, the essential first step in overcoming ones fear!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the manifestation of fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto childhood memories as  and within me of one, seeing a dead bird and subsequently finding out that I can and will die and then lying in my bed thinking/contemplating this and being very sad/disappointed/angry/frightened/confused by this new concept that one day I will end and I have no control over this and two, not wanting to look at my grandfather in a casket and being frightened by this and my mother  telling me it was ok and taking me by the hand to look at him and thinking it was not ok , it was awful. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect pictures of the bird and my grandfather to death and the words:  bad, wrong, scarey, over, casket, end, heaven, hell, horrible, awful, stiff, dirty, squashed, fake, unnatural to fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘Oh god, I hope I don’t get cancer.’ In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to participate in the first thought as a picture of me lying a hospital bed, just skin and bones left of me near death, or in a doctors office sitting opposite the doctor who is telling me I am terminally ill with cancer. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship to death-AS FEAR- by simply adopting what I heard from others/saw in movies/read in books or magazines instead of  standing with self/living as me here, in oneness and equality as the breath of life, moment by moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lost in my own mind of moving pictures/imaginations of going for cancer treatment, being in a doctors office, lying on my death bed, telling my children I’m going to die, my funeral with a vase (my ashes)  and people there and sometimes me there as some ghost at the side seeing what is going on lol, being in a car crash, burning in a fire, drowning, being shot my terrorists or a gang INSTEAD of allowing myself to be here, with what is real in this moment, as an expression of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in the following backchat/inner chatter which is all controlled by/initiated by the fear existent within/as me: ‘No please god, I can’t die yet, there’s still so much to do in this life, I’m useful, don’t kill ME…I wonder how many people/who with be at my funeral?…  I’ve lost too many friends my funeral will be embarrassing… I can’t die, I never saw my beautiful earth, I can’t die before equal money is here…I’ll do anything to not die please god, I’m not ready, not yet…my kids have to do process! I can’t die! I have so much left undone…NO I won’t die, there is a way to stop/change this…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of extreme fear, specifically the emotions of: panic, sadness, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, disappointment-as in ‘my death is inevitable’ so powerlessness and then ANGER all stemming from thoughts of death, which is ridiculous as I am just here as life, breathing!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then have the following behavioral changes in my physical body brought on from engaging in the above emotions of fear of death: shoulders slouched forward, jaw tight and clenched, lower back pain – like in fear of death one’s ‘courage’ is ‘threatened’ hence the jaw clenching, shoulders indicating trying to protect self and lower back – fear energy taking one’s power away, pain in spine – spine the filing of one’s life – like, facing that moment of death is facing your entire life/self.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my very life, like I will no longer exist and being directed by fear and ego in thinking how terrible that is,  like that should not be allow for God’s sake! In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘I will lose my relationship with my children, how will they get along without me, I will being with them, laughing with them, hugging them , loving them…they need me damn it, that can’t happen! And I will miss my husband and physical intimacy. Shit, I totally fucked up this life, owe family members (and some ex-family members)  money, I never got to see so many places, do so many things, enjoy nature more, I don’t want to die, what will I face, nothing, what the hell is nothing anyway? Where will I be , where will I go, what will it be like? What is the point of life if you just end? I wish I could apologize to so many people I was rude to /inappropriate with/ignored/bullied/cut off communication with/ brushed aside/did not help when I could have/said the wrong thing/did the wrong thing. Fuck, I can’t go back, it’s too late when you die. It’s over. I was a screw up. What a dumb life.’

Commitment Statements To Follow.

Day 21: Commitment Statements: Experiencing ‘Passages of Time’

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and walking a daily self-corrective application (directing myself here, out of the mind) no longer accept and allow myself to exist as menopause, as I now see/realize/understand it is my responsibility, as life here, to stop and breathe each time a thought/reaction/emotion arises within me about sweating/menopause, and bring myself/awareness out of my mind and  back to the physical and carry on with my day.

I commit myself to stop all participation in relating/connecting myself to this character and her ego, like I am in a story and must carry stored memories of ‘passages of time‘ as in physical signs of aging of/as my body and consider and engage in these memories/thoughts/emotions as they arise throughout my day, when I look in the mirror or at my body, as I now see/realize/understand I am not a helpless prisoner in a human form but one and equal with my very physicality, and that ‘time’ and my body are not the enemy but I can remain here/aware of reality in each moment (no time) as/with breath, as life in equality with all of existence, no longer in separation and fear as I am out of the mind of illusion.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and walking a daily self-corrective application  no longer accept and allow myself to judge others as in what/how they are experiencing their physicality as exaggerated/annoying/wrong/weak and project that I will never be like them, as I now see/realize/understand that the suffering is immense, and I did not/have not experienced several of the symptoms, just the sweating and lack of sleep. In that I commit myself to supporting and assisting  other women/men that are willing to walk the DIP (Desteni I Process) Course, as I now see/realize/understand it is unnecessary to endure this suffering when the solution is here as Desteni.

I commit myself to stop and breathe each time I think/relate to linear moments of breath as time passing, as equal to me being a limited being that has a story line, so much time here in my physical body as Sandy’s life which has a birth date and death date/expiry date/graven image within and as me, as I now see/realize/understand I am not this limited character but life here, as real and not trapped by continuous/constant streams of thought/feeling/emotion/energy/memory experiences.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing the ‘sins of the father’ to be inherited/passed down from my parents and their parents and so on, as in the inevitability of aging and with women, the experience of menopause, as I now see/understand/realize this is a program/design of polarites, placed in each human being through ones participation in the mind consciousness system, through which a dedicated/disciplined approach of examination and application can be changed/deleted over a minimum 7 year period using the DIP and Journey to Life blogging.

I commit to stop myself whenever I connect numbers, as in age, to an emotion of fear/helplessness/hopelessness/victim/uselessness/feeling compromised as in seeing passages of time in the numbers 35/40/45/50 etc as milestones in my life, relating it to a character in a story, who has now entered another phase of life, as I now see/understand they are just numbers assigned to life and not life itself, as in here awareness with breath in equality. I bring myself out of my mind and back down to earth, to what is real and focus on the task at hand.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to connect numbers/age, of myself or others, to certain roles/behaviors/things they should do or own/where they should be on their ‘life path’ to create a ‘successful’ story that we consider a ‘life worth living’, like they are just this number/cog in the wheel/consumer in the world’s money machine/system/slave of the elite and are required to participate by purchases of houses, having children, having a job/career as I now see/realize/understand that is not life but just existing as memories replayed over and over again and not living as an actual free expression, self-expansion, being all and the best you can be, but being a slave to the world’s money system where only but a few get to live their dreams, create art, travel, enjoy luxuries without the constant financial stresses most face daily.

In that I commit to, through writing, self-forgiveness and walking a daily self-corrective application, no longer accept and allow myself to connect 35 years old to; fear of time passing, less time to ‘fix’ my life, adult, almost 40 which is getting ‘old’, 40 to; too late to live my dream of a happy and secure home/family, still young enough to drink away my days/pass the time as I did not like/want to face my reality and change it, I still have my songwriter fantasy to place my hopes and dreams, 45 years old to ; close to 50 and fear that that is old, more grey hair and wrinkles on my face, having a nice boyfriend, being liked in AA, my higher power and  kids still love me, I still look quite young, and 50 to ; changes in my physicality: flabby skin on my forearms (and to connect this to a picture in my mind of my mothers forearms), sagging skin on my thighs and knees (and to connect this to a picture in my mind of my mother’s thighs and knees), little red dots on my stomach and chest, more grey hair on my head, more hair growing on my face and chin, my teeth yellowing, gaining weight and relating to other middle aged women who are no longer slim but ‘filled out’ in their backs/stomachs/hips/butt/thighs and thinking that this is ‘normal’.

I commit myself to stop myself and breathe whenever I think 50 years old means a woman no longer has a regular period (no longer producing certain needed bodily hormones) and is unable to produce children, therefore she has no value as life and it is ok that her physicality depletes/diminishes/dries up and her life is ‘on the way out’, as I now see/realize understand, I am just here, in each aware moment, which opens the doors to actual real living, expression and creation, out of the mind of illusion and self-interest, one and equal with the world and existence.

I commit myself to not go into reaction of fear/anxiety/stress/worry when I am told certain solutions/assistance for some of the symptoms of menopause, will /may cause serious side effects, but instead I stop and breath, as I now see/realize/understand reacting will only compromise me and in this make it impossible for me to effectively direct myself. I take responsibility to find a solution, out of the mind and in the physical.