Please read the previous post for context to this blog.
Form Day 141: The next word I will examine and deconstruct, in relation to my eyesight is ‘impossible’. Interesting word in many ways, it is actually an end point, a final bowing out, an admission stating, ‘I am powerless to change this’ , like a death. Only thing is, when I hang on to the belief that x is impossible within the ‘story of Sandy’/my own ‘religion of self’, meaning my mind of thought/feelings/emotions, I am thrust into relating to the word from ‘her perspective’ and this is my relationship to the word-thus it is wrought with helplessness, hopelessness, disempowerment. It is basically a giving up, like a permission to give up because x is impossible after all, no point even trying as you will fail. Who says so? The past says so, memories say so, information and knowledge from school and books says so, the intellectual community says so , the elite & corporation & government says so.
Thought Dimension: ‘This is useless, I am being a fool again, I cannot heal my eyes, it is impossible!’
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become ‘impossible’ and as ‘impossible’ to beLIEve I am incapable–being separate from/a singularity all other parts of my physical body, world and universe–to expand /grow / change my understanding and thus abilities, as life here, to support and assist my eyes to realign with their natural state of functionality that existed just a few years ago, as in the ability to focus at close ranges. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word ‘impossible’ as an absolute end point, a death, and thus abdicating my responsibility and I blame time/moments passing as in the current design of the human physical eyes to deplete/become inflexible/contract with age.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am a fool/wrong to investigate this point because of what the past has shown me and I have incorporated this past, as memories, into and as my mind of consciousness, so that I believe/worship (as the religion of self) the idea that I cannot reconstitute/heal my eyes based on history, what I have learned from books/school/doctors/media, and from the world systems of money (big money in the glasses and contact lens industry not to mention advertisement and doctors)/government/corporations, being the people in power of what information I am constantly and continuously exposed to. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to follow instead of lead, as in becoming the ‘fear of failure’ character going into a state of apathy and resignation.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word impossible, as ‘it is impossible for the eyes to regain their focusing ability’ from the starting point/foundation of fear, as I fear growing older and becoming more dependent on the medical industry and caregivers, suffering and eventual death. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being without my contact lenses and/or reading glasses so not being able to see if there was some unforeseen event and I lost them and could not replace them, and be thrown in a state of panic as I cannot function/take care of myself well, without these aids.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine -many times-a catastrophic event, in which I did not have my contact lenses or reading glasses and it being very frustrating and frightening. Why would I bother having a moving playing in my head like this? Because it is something I fear, so I have to some extent obsessed this point, as well I have seen this in movies and some scenes have been embedded in my mind/consciousness as a file/picture that pops up, Dustin Hoffman, Papillon, for one such example. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine my mother/other senior people in a wheelchair aged and helpless, and to form a relationship/association with ‘impossible’ and ‘old’.
Internal Conversation and Backchat Dimension
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage/participate within the following chatter inside my own head-which is just a sample over a lifetime, around my relationship and associations to the word ‘impossible‘ : ‘just let it go, there’s nothing you can do about it, I hate being helpless, I hate rich people (lol, to most I am ‘rich’), you can’t do that , you can’t go there, don’t bother, don’t bang your head against the wall, I hate it but it’s impossible, why are we put in this vulnerable position, this life sucks, growing old as a design just sucks and is useless and a stupid design, it is hopeless, I am helpless, it is totally useless to try’ AND spirituality: ‘it’s not meant to be, there is a power greater than me that knows why, my higher power is not to be questioned, just trust, just have faith, just think positive, you are being protected, love is the most powerful force in the world and you are loved so fear not, blah, blah’ AND more specifically around my eyesight, ‘I wish I didn’t have such bad eyesight, I wonder how bad my eyes will get as I get older?, what a f** idiot I am to even think I can challenge ‘impossible’, it scares me to think my eyes could get worse, my poor mom and all those seniors in her nursing home, I don’t want to be in that situation, I wish I could assist them to heal themselves.’
Emotion and Feeling
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the following emotions, around my relationship to the word ‘impossible’ : fear, hopelessness and helplessness because I cannot change the situation of my eyesight deteriorating, anger and resentment at god/a creator who would design the physical so it slowly loses all it’s functionality and causes the human pain, sadness because I cannot change the fact of decline and death and superiority-like ‘oh ya, I like a good challenge, don’t tell me what I can and I can’t do’ and then fear I will have to ‘eat my words’ and fear of embarrassment. AND the feeling of hope and curiosity, as I have experienced some events in my life that would be considered ‘impossible’.
Physical Reactions and Behaviors
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the following physical reactions as associations to the word impossible: first the reaction to fear as :tension within shoulders and back and neck muscles, tightening and unease within my solar plexes, a stiff jaw and teeth clenching, FOLLOWED BY a reaction of apathy and depression which produces a general overall tiredness, a heaviness within the entire body and weighing down of my shoulders, slumped/hunched back and heavy eyelids.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to several consequences, within my relationship and associations to the word ‘impossible’. Some of which are the following : to be enslaved in an automated system-and thus to enslave my eyes and all their parts- which is currently programmed to diminish over time, to live unaware of my eyes and their parts and how they are functioning -and thus for my eyes and all their parts to exist unaware-as well- of the possibility that we (as we are all life in/as the same unit) can heal and maintain a healthy functioning unit. Thus not acting as the directive principal of myself/my body, moving myself in a sequence of events to follow the path which ensures and sustains optimum health of the whole unit, that comprise the human physical body. But instead, to be in a state of helplessness to a program, that does not serve the eyes to retain focus ability, and the eyesight diminishes.
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