Day 270: Beyond Blame Part 4

no blame 2no blameFor proper context to this blog please read the Part 1 Part 2 and Part 3 :  After listening to the Eqafe Interview:   Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past… what is resonating in the background is direct blame and anger for many years of struggle

When and as I see myself going into thought patterns, which bring up memories and then suppressing emotions of anger related to blaming my ex for my financial and mental struggles after we separated, I stop and breathe. I remind myself I knew on several levels he did not want to be in a committed relationship with me before we were married, that he and I did the best we could/were capable of at that time, that he did not force me to drink or isolate after our marriage I did that myself, he cares about me even to this day and I care about him.  In that, when and as I see myself participating in self-blame, within memories of when I ignored and then suppressed all the warning signs that my ex was not an appropriate partner for me to enter into a marriage with , I stop and breathe. I realize blaming myself is self-sabotaging and does not change the past.  I commit myself to stop all such blame of my ex and myself for the events that followed our marriage break-up.  I commit to focus on what is real in our lives today and deal with issues (regarding our children), as they arise, in a practical and calm manner.

When and as I see myself going into fear of conflict with my ex today and then suppressing thoughts and emotions , I stop and breathe. I remind myself that I am not always going to get the response I desire, as my ex will respond according to his own ideas and ways of doing things. Therefore, I will support myself by-if I see a reaction has come up within me- leaving it and not judging him/having expectations and then reacting in disappointment or- if there is no movement within me = I am stable- I will respond self-honestly using a calm/stable voice, within what is here in the moment, reality to facilitate a solution that is best for all involved. I thus commit to change me.

When and as I see myself participating in the entire playout/scenario: where I go into blaming backchat, then the emotions arise , imaginations where I re-play and change the past so ‘feel better’ about myself OR memories and then the inevitable body stresses that ensue , I stop and breathe. I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical. I make sure I assess whatever is going on in the present as a physical reference, as what is a practical in the moment, and not an energy reaction based on the past or belief about myself or a judgement/opinion of another. I realize/remind myself my ex and I were not equipped with the necessary life tools to communicate effectively when we were married. I also realize I had a need to control him during our marriage (and when we were dating) because of unresolved issues from my childhood, I now understand I could not face my own fears of him rejecting me and so suppressed them, in self-interest not considering what would be best for him/both of us. I no longer allow energies tocontrol my decisions and communications and commit to the process of dealing with life‘s issues self-honestly in the moment, not allowing myself to go into fear and then suppression. Thus, I simply allow myself to continue with my own self-responsibility and delete reactions as I realize that building up blame and anger in the face of repeated patterns only frustrates me.

When and as I see myself creating a consequential outflow of upsetting my children/ex and then stressing relationships in and around this issue, I stop and breathe. I make sure I am staying in the reality of this here moment and not going into the past as memories. I realize I would react the same way if someone was criticizing/attacking one of my parents, they have heard it all before, they are sick and tired of my ‘poor single mom stories/role. I remind myself how important my relationships are, how I want to build trust so I am able to support and assist my children and ex (and they for me) and enjoy their company and not the opposite. Thus, I commit myself to treating my children and my ex as I would want to be treated -with respect as an equal and one being here- and commit to the process of changing me.

 

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Day 269: Blame: It’s All Your Fault 3

blame exblame ex 2For proper context to this blog please read the Part 1 and Part 2 :  After listening to the Eqafe Interview:   Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past… what is resonating in the background is direct blame and anger for many years of struggle

Continuing Walking the Corrective Process:

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘I would have stayed in the marriage, I am loyal, it’s his fault we broke up and everything that happened to me after is his fault.’ 

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to come from the starting point of blame even today, experiencing myself as a victim and helpless within the blame like, ‘if I stand up to him/speak up he will bully me and I can’t win so I must be silent like my mom was with my dad’ Thus, I hide/suppress whatever it is I wanted to communicate creating a build up of energies in the form of resentment toward him. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of fearing conflict, just as I did as a child with my dad.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in backchat throughout the years we have been divorced and the children have been growing up like, ‘Well, if you had only been a responsible partner/parent we wouldn’t be in this mess/we would have the money to pay for that. I told him that years ago and now here it is so it’s not my problem. If he had only done what I said this would not be an issue today. Oh big surprise, now our children have to deal with this. How could I have married him. I can’t believe I married him, now look at this mess…’ 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotional reactions of: superiorityinferiority, self-pity, self-victimization, judgement, guiltfear, and angerresentment in and around this issue.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into all sort of imaginings re-playing the past to have me ‘come out ahead’/the victor, specifically imagining standing up to him when we first separated so I would receive enough moneyto purchase a home, standing up to him when he wanted to go to court regarding child custody (that worked out well as we went to counceling/family therapy and worked out an agreement-no court no fighting), standing up to him when he would come home late, leaving him years earlier, leaving him before we were married. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe I am right and he is wrong, when it does not matter but to work together to solve issues-inphysical reality- is what matters, understanding that we did not have the ability to communicate with each other effectively the years we were together, is what matters. 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, from these energy reactions, create stress in the form of tension/tightening the muscles in my back, solar plexes, stomach, neck and face creating pain and aching, causing me to unaware hold my breath and then breathe shallow.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to create the consequence of family conflict in the present when an issue/discussion comes up and I voice my blame of my ex, to him or my children, then they react defensively and an argumentensues. A consequential outflow of this is that all of them, my ex and my children they have less trust in me and are less willing /likely to be ok with building intimacy/communicating openly about things to me, as they see me as reactive -so it destroys futureopportunities to support and assist my family.

To Continue

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Day 268: Blame: Stop Blaming and Start Taking Responsibility? 2

Self-Responsibilityself-responsibility (1)For proper context to this blog please read the previous post:  After listening to the Eqafe Interview:   Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past.  In fact the point I missed, within my taking self-responsibility for what occurred, was MY VERY STARTING POINT!  The mind is tricky. I say this because when I think about this person from my past with my conscious mind, what comes up is a feeling of liking and acceptance with a slight amount of regret/frustration but what is resonating in the background is direct blame and anger for many years of struggle

Walking the Corrective Process:

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my anger and blame towards my ex for what happened after we split up.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve my ex was the indirect cause of my alcoholism, mental illness and financial struggles for about 10 years after we split up.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact that I ignored all the warning signs that indicated he would not be a stable partner to have children with, that he would not be a suitable partner for me when we were opposites in that I enjoyed the home life and he enjoyed staying out late/n the city life, that he would not be a financially stable partner to purchase a home with, that he would not be a stable partner to carry the financial load when I had children and so I would have to continue working full time when we had a family, that he would not be a suitable partner if I wanted a monogamous marriage & that he would not be a suitable partner for me if I wanted responsible/no use of drugs and alcohol in the home.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex for who and how he was during our marriage, when I knew this before we married. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex that he was not honest with me when we got married, `never thought it would be forever` when I was deceptive within my starting point of marry him under false pretensesmeaning I did not love/accept him for who he was but an ‘idea’ in my mind of him as someone he would become; responsible/stable/committed/reliable and I did not share this openly with him but kept it in my secret mind of desires.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control my ex throughout our entire relationship and not just let him go, seeing in common sense, if I wanted so much to change about him, he was not a practical partner for me to be in a relationship agreement-marriage with.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to desire-need my ex to be a certain way as in a `the nice guy-good guy` when we were together because I felt incomplete, broken inside due to my own childhood and wanted my ex to fix it by re-living and thus re-creating my past, this time with a man who treated me well (kind-loving-respectful-attentive), and this was in direct opposition to my role within the marriage and the face I presented to the outside world as `the strong one-the together wife with the troubled husband`.

To Continue

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Day 267: Blame: How Could I Have Missed This?

blame 2blame

After listening to the Eqafe Interview:   Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past.  In fact the point I missed, within my taking self-responsibility for what occurred, was MY VERY STARTING POINT!

The mind is tricky. I say this because when I think about this person from my past with my conscious mind, what comes up is a feeling of liking and acceptance with a slight amount of regret/frustration but what is resonating in the background is direct blame andanger for many years of struggle

I am referring to my ex-husband and although the interview suggests that one face points of blame privately, I feel confident he would be cool with me investigating and taking responsibility for our marriage, in this manner.

One of the areas the interview focuses on, within blame is to look at the situation from the starting point. When I do that, I can see I should not have married him in the first place, that was the point of self-responsibility I missed! He was not a suitable partner for me, we basically did not want the same things/life. Although he said he wanted a family and home, when we lived together he did not behave as a committed partner, coming home/calling when he said he would, being reliable/dependable within the union or beingstable/responsible financially. Instead, he preferred the bachelor/no responsibilities kind of life (not a judgement but an observation). I ignored this because of my own fear of facing loosing him/being alone and this was self-interest. I certainly should not have married him without sitting down and talking about what the commitment of marriage entails and the vast consequences of not living up to that commitment. I am referring specifically with the fact of having children together. If it had been just him and I theconsequences would not have been so severe.

The fact is there was zero money left after the marriage and we had two small children. I was not mentally/emotionally capable, at that time, to deal with this fact (together with my ‘broken heart’) and so did not stand up and walk through my life making common sense decisions but used spirituality (prayer, going inward into my own mind in an obsessive way which led to mental illness) and then alcohol to cope. I did get employment but could not sustain it and so made a modest income by having a daycare in my home and having tenants in my home, which was great but not enough to really ‘stand on my own two feet’ kind of thing. Therefore, I borrowed and went into debt which led to building more stress.

When I look at the time leading up to our marriage, there were obvious red flags/warning signs which I ignored. These red flags were not subtle but I was determined/stubborn like ‘it must be, this must happen, he will change, they are wrong, we love each other and that is all that matters’. I had no flexibility nor did I consider my own true well being within the situation and I certainly didn’t have my ex’s true well being at heart either. I was like a bull with the ‘bit between my teeth’and I would not let go. We would be married and that was that.

In reality, all my ex-husband did was be himself throughout our marriage. I married him hoping he would change/wanting him to change and this is an unfair and deceptive way to enter a marriage. In fact, I had a secret/hidden agenda: I will marry you with anidea/picture in my mind of who I want you to be and you better/must live up to it. It is not who you are now but it is what I desire you to be. 

I now realize I was desperate to CONTROL HIM.  Why? Interestingly, he was in many ways like my own father. A true Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, one side of him was light hearted, fun, playful like a child and the other side a drinker, unpredictable, moody,angrydepressed, verbally abusive. I could not control my father/what happened during my childhood but my unconscious mind stepped forward and wanted to control my present by re-playing the past/re-creating it. This I should have done through self-investigation/therapy on my own to sort out my own inner turmoil/demons in and around childhood issues, instead I used him to sort through/work through many thoughts/emotions/feelings/memories–my mind of the past–in our present. It was unfair of me to use a marriage and my ex in this was. I also cannot blame myself, as at that time I did not see this at all but was obsessed with him and an idea of marriage, husband, home, children = me/my future/happy.

It was also like, I do not feel good, you must make me feel good, you cannot leave because I need you to mask how I really feel, you/love is my drug (I did not drink alcoholically at this time), I focus on you so I do not have to look at/within myself for real.  You have problems ok, I will help you change them, I am so together, look at me helping my poor boyfriend/husband, I am a good person, who you are defines me/my ‘who I am’ so you cannot leave me!!

What I should have done, when I saw the many red flags/warning sign as we were dating/living together was sit down in a rational/calm way and have a serious discussion about our future, how we see our marriage, what is the commitment specifically, who is responsible for what financially now and after we have children, what are the consequences if we do not live up to these responsibilities-who will suffer and how.

To continue

 

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Day 259: Re-Defining: ‘Night Sweats’ 4

brain-fogstressed-mature-woman-menopause-28070714From the previous post:   “If my current definition of  menopause/night sweat/hot flash contains all sorts of negative “baggage”, then the experience of the ‘hot flash’ will be worse than what it “really is” because  letting go of those negative attachments allows the person to breathe in the moment of the sweat   without all of the “self pity”, “misery”, “terror”, “fear of death” – or whatever one may have experienced before.  You may be surprised how much this simple thing can change your experience.   Very often our thoughts aggravate our experiences allowing yourself the simple act of breathing through this physical “transition” will be of great support to your body – essentially giving yourself the “space” to move through it with the least resistance.”  Cerise Poolman

RE-DEFINING NIGHT SWEATS

Dictionary Definition:   from Everyday Health:  In addition to hot flashes, many menopausal women experience the symptom’s nocturnal accomplice known as night sweats. You wake up in the middle of the night cold and clammy, your heart pounding, and the sheets drenched in sweat. It’s hard to calm down and get comfortable again, and it’s impossible not to be irritated by the interruption to a good night’s sleep.

My Definition:  Something I have to endure/suffer through, an experience I have no choice in, in which I feel helpless and hopeless.  An intolerable  cycle of waking up sweating, throwing off the covers and then getting chilled, so hot then cold, then trying to go back to sleep for a few minutes.  This occurs about every 30 minutes, every night, my fate in which there is no escape except over time (average is 4 years, I have gone through about 2). Waking up tired or getting up in middle of night, frustrated, defeated and bewildered.  Feeling drained, not being able to be as productive, determined, creative, physically active, getting as many tasks done in a day.

Sounding:    nights wet

Explore in Writing:  The medical industry does not fully understand why the sweating occurs.  However, from what I understand through my participation with Desteni (taking the DIP Pro online course),  the sweating is the body being too full of built up energies. Energies created through my participation within the mind of emotions and feelings which I have suppressed-held within me.  So now the body is releasing all the energies at once to make space for the next cycle of the mind, to continue what the mind has been doing, which is resourcing substance from the physical body to continue it’s (the mind consciousness systems) own existence.

This experience feels like a battleground between me and my body and my mind.  A contest to see who will win, a fight, a dreading, my peace/reprieve from life’s daily struggles lost/stolen from me through my pre-programmed life design and the design of my mind and body.  A a good nights sleep/rejuvenation of the physical body, to face the next day, is gone. A lost battle, the consequence of living as a mind versus a total physical being,  it feels like a giving in/giving up to suffering, no control signifying the aging process and inevitable death, defeat, victimization, self-pity, regret and sadness.  A reminder of time/the clock ticking, like time is almost up here and a reminder of all the moments/days/years I wasted in fear/alcoholism, not in reality but lost in my mind.  It is therefore my responsibility and no one/nothing else to blame.

I don’t like who I am within it, I feel like I am cycling between moaning and complaining  and then re-stating a resolution to not moan and complain so much, lol.

New Definition:  A physical release of stored up energies within the physical body, which occurs in some women during mid-life. There is a decrease in estrogen production in women during this stage of life, this estrogen decrease causes the normal functioning of the hypothalamus (the area of the brain that acts as the body’s thermostat)  to be thrown off-course and it thinks that the body is overheating. This overheating results in the release of the energies through sweating.

“The drop in estrogen that comes with menopause (as it is no longer required to produce an egg when one is past the child bearing years) affects the part of the brain called the hypothalamus. This region is responsible for regulating body temperature.  During menopause, the hypothalamus gets “fooled” into sensing that the body is overheating. It then sends out signals to the body to dispel this perceived heat, increasing blood pressure, heart rate, sweat production, and temperature.”    http://www.34-menopause-symptoms.com/night-sweats-causes.htm

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Day 258: Night Sweats 3: Re-writing the script

aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjEuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLUdHaFNRX211Z3Z3JTJGVVV1SGFfNjBaUkklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUJzYyUyRlBfd3VCUEpyUU1vJTJGczMyMCUyRndpc3Nlbi1nZWhpcm4tSEEtSGFtYnVyZy0uanBn9a39d-259720_118628354889641_100002274320770_182556_5708042_oFrom the previous post:   I have been waking up with nights sweats for I suppose 2 years now. It is very severe and continuous…I have been pretty diligent about not letting thoughts possess me but I noticed lately, the sweats seem worse and I am going into reactions more, like a hopelessness and panic/fear that I cannot cope any longer…I will deconstruct my reactions to these sweats within the thought:

‘I can’t take it anymore, is this ever going to end?! I could take the estrogen again and be perfectly fine, it is just a precaution for god sake!’

“If my current definition of  menopause/night sweat/hot flash contains all sorts of negative “baggage”, then the experience of the ‘hot flash’ will be worse than what it “really is” because  letting go of those negative attachments allows the person to breathe in the moment of the sweat   without all of the “self pity”, “misery”, “terror”, “fear of death” – or whatever one may have experienced before.  you may be surprised how much this simple thing can change your experience.   Very often our thoughts aggravate our experiences allowing yourself the simple act of breathing through this physical “transition” will be of great support to your body – essentially giving yourself the “space” to move through it with the least resistance.”  Cerise Poolman

Commitment Statements:  Re-Writing the Script

When and as I see myself thinking ‘I can’t take it anymore, is this ever going to end?! I could take the estrogen again and be perfectly fine, it is just a precaution for god sake!’, I stop and breathe.   I  remind myself it is important to me to take care of my physical body the best way I know how and studies have shown women who take estrogen increase their risk of beast cancer. Thus, I commit myself to not participate in thinking about the next sweat or thinking about how the night will go.

When and as I see myself comparing myself to others and judging myself as old/boring/unimportant/embarrassing because of writing about this issue/experience, I stop and breathe.   I  make sure I am writing my journey to life in self-honestly and as this is what I am facing day and night, it is appropriate to face this point and others write about what they are currently facing in their lives.  I remind myself I do not require opinions/memories/self-judgements, which only sabotage my process.  I remind myself the sweats are a physical consequence of every moment of my life, that I cannot change but I can change how I approach it/deal with it.  Thus, I commit myself to the process of remaining out of my mind and walking one breath at a time.

When and as I see myself particpating in emotional reactions of  anxiety, dread, helplessness, hopelessness, victimization, self-sabotage, self-blame, blame, impatience, self-pity and particularily fear, fearing the next sweat and fearing how the night will unfold/will I get enough sleep, I stop and breathe.   I  realize, since I have starting writing about this issue, the sweats have ‘calmed down’, as I am staying more and more with breath awareness through each sweat (and inbetween) I seem to be having less sweats during the day and night and they are less intense.  Therefore, I commit myself to continue using resolve and  dedication and know one day they will end, in time or by transcending them completely.

When and as I see myself engaging in inner chatter/backchat in and around this issue, I stop and breathe.   I see/realize/understand that it is quite useless and in fact only aggravates the situation even more to talk away inside my mind, as it builds up energies/feeds upon itself causing the body to react in a more severe manner than it would if I would simply remain here with breath.  I commit myself to the process of stilling/silencing the mind and continue on with my day, moving with my feet firmly on the ground.

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Day 257: Reacting to Night Sweats 2: Walking a process towards healing

aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjMuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLURwRXBWWmdqU3ZRJTJGVVY1eUh5MlVQeUklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUJpSSUyRlEzYUZxVkV0dExFJTJGczMyMCUyRmJpcnRoaW5nJTJCdG8lMkJsaWZlLmpwZw==

From the previous post:   I have been waking up with nights sweats for I suppose 2 years now. It is very severe and continuous…I have been pretty diligent about not letting thoughts possess me but I noticed lately, the sweats seem worse and I am going into reactions more, like a hopelessness and panic/fear that I cannot cope any longer…I will deconstruct my reactions to these sweats within the thought:

‘I can’t take it anymore, is this ever going to end?! I could take the estrogen again and be perfectly fine, it is just a precaution for god sake!’

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘I can’t take it anymore, is this ever going to end?! I could take the estrogen again and be perfectly fine, it is just a precaution for god sake!’

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to negatively charge the words/phrases: menopause, hot flash, night sweats.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as boring/old/uncool/uninteresting/unimportant around the thought, ‘Everyone (other ‘Journey to Life’ writers) is writing about such cool stuff, menopause is so unsexy/unhip, I used to be cool/people thought I was cool, this is embarrassing and humiliating.’

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an energetic reaction of fear, as the very foundation of this thought, fearing I will be tired all day and not be able to accomplish my daily responsibilities, fearing I will ‘loose it’ like my sanity and have a mental breakdown, fearing the ‘design’ of my human body like it is hopeless/helpless in the face of time and I am aging and walking toward death.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in backchat/inner conversation like: nothing is working, I have tried everything and wasted my money on all sorts of homeopathic remedies, I am weak and a fool, why do somewomen not suffer through this and I am, it is my fault for being such a drama queen and alcoholic all my life (been sober now 10 years), I built up all these energies inside of myself and now I am paying for it, I deserve this, I am a helpless victim of my body, OMG it’s getting worse not better, my sister said some women still have sweats into their 70′s I cannot bear that thought, if I take the estrogen then I could get cancer, I could get cancer anyway, I don’t know what to do, it is overwhelming.

I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reactions of emotions such as: fearanxiety, dread, helplessness, hopelessness, victimization, self-sabotage, self-blame, blame, impatience, self-pity, and misery in and around this issue.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to aggravate the situation/hot flash-through participating within the negative emotions which creates energies of anxiety causing my breathing to become shallow, holding my breaththereby holding on to the energies-not releasing them, tensing my facial muscles and jaw, tensing my neck/shoulders, creating a stirring fear in my solar plexes/chest/stomach, causing me to go into all sorts of thought patterns thereby not being able to fall back tosleep.

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Day 256: Reacting to Night Sweats

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Angst is pure witte energie

I have, in July 2012 examined the point of  menopause  as in the agreement of passing time. In this post I will look at the point of night sweats I am facing in the present. I have been waking up with nights sweats for I suppose 2 years now. It is very severe and continuous, about every 30-40 minutes, now and then an hour. It has definately ‘turned my world around’ and somewhat consumed me, as in changed my day and night pattern, with regard to sleep and sometimes consumed my mind. I have been pretty diligent about not letting thoughts possess me but I noticed lately, the sweats (day and night) seem worse and I am going into reactions more, like a hopelessness and panic/fear that I cannot cope any longer.

I have tried everything and the only thing that worked (not entirely but I could get a decent night sleep) was taking estrogen (a hormone replacement). I took it for 6 months and it was awesome, it felt like my life was given back to me. I was soooo grateful for agood nights sleep! However, after having an irregular mammogram, it was suggested by my doctor to go off it. Now I am having the same thoughts as I did before I went on the estrogen, like ‘oh god, its almost bedtime, I have to go through that again, I can’t stand it’. It just plain sucks to dread going to bed. Sleep should be a welcome part of a 24 hour day, to rejuvenate the body, not to endure suffering! (it is not painful, I would call it suffering though). So I am back to trying all sorts of diet changes and natural remedies but nothing is giving relief.

It is strange because a few months ago I was not having much backchat/thoughts or reactions as there was a slight ‘let up’ in severity of the sweats, so I could ‘handle it’ better. When I traced my steps I noticed a few changes I made that may have caused thischange in the severity of the sweats. So I have started taking hormeeel drops again (suggested by my naturopathic doctor) and going for longish walks again (although it is freezing out, lol) and may cut out one of my two cups of coffee in the morning, in hopes to have this relief come back. Been about 3 days, no change yet.

It is frustrating, it’s like there is a meter of internal heat that I-my mind/body/being-can ‘handle’ and once I am over that temperature the mind-thought patterns and reactions start up again.

From what I understand, from my participation within Desteni, the sweats are caused by all the energies I have built-up, throughout my lifetime, and held within my physical body. So all my suppressions, issues (thought/feelings/emotions) I did not address in the physical,  are still existent, alive and well, and  stored/layered within the muscle tissue of the physical body.   As my body is ‘full up’/ there is no more room in the physical body, it requires releasing these energies as sweat/heat, to re-charge/make room for more mind participation in my futures days (god forbid lol).  Thereby the mind systems can survive-keep living on.  Within this, I realize I am responsible to the process of releasing  these energies and then to not build them back up again, which means to the process of  becoming wholly physical, so not again participating within the mind consciousness systems of thoughts/feelings/emotions/memories/etc!

I will deconstruct my reactions to sweating, especially at night, within the thought, ‘I can’t take it anymore, is this ever going to end?! I could take the estrogen again and be perfectly fine, it is just a precaution for god sake!’

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Day 247: Anger and Jealousy 3

cell sellFor proper perspective to this post, please read part 1 and part 2

From part 1:  Problem: Within the above statement/thought there is a truck load of memories and associated emotions of resent/anger/jealousy, which chain me to the past. I am existing in separation from this couple, limiting both them and myself to ideas/characters which I hold onto to, to define all of us, based on memories of the past. Thus, I am unable to see what is here, as direct reality and unable to change what is here. Solution: Change my relationship to what is actually here in reality-from mind to physical-and thus change my relationship to myself and others, into what is best for all.

Thought: I always felt ‘less than’ going to their cottage. Why do they get the perfect life? It really makes me angry!

Continuing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within a number of emotional energetic reactions, with regards to this thought, such as: anger, resentment, jealousy, inferiority, superiority, comparison, humiliation, spite, regret, shame, embarrassment, judgement of another, self-judgement, self-sabotage, self-doubt and self-pity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry as an emotional energetic reaction of defense, simply because I did not/do not ‘feel good about myself’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage within polarities in my mind, when I spent time with this couple in the past, and in my imagination today. These polarities kept me occupied within feeling less than and competitive so I was not able to respect (hold myself in a loving way/hold them in a loving way) myself or them, I was unable to focus on reality and simply be there, consumed within self-interest about what their opinion was of me and what I did not have (materially and emotionally) versus what they had. Therefore, I was unable to enjoy myself, honor myself and them, simply see the situation for what it was; they had more money and so more material possessions, period.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the emotions/energies of confidence-superiority and insecurity-inferiority, swinging between the two polarities because of my own discomfort level. So feeling first insecure/less than and then desiring to escape this ‘bad feeling’ by talking to myself/inner chatter or having a few drinks (I was not drinking alcoholically at this time, but still used alcohol to boost my ego/liquid courage lol now and then) so ‘feel better’ as I could justify I was the ‘better person’ because they were ‘materialistic’ and I was ‘humble’ lol or ‘feeling better’ with alcohol in me so I could ‘act’ confident and the time would pass faster.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to physical change/physically react when trapped in thought patterns around this issue/couple such as: my whole body contracts in fear and self-doubt causing my breath to become shallow, my back and neck stiffen and begin to ache, my brow creases and my jaw clenches, I create energies/movement in my solar plexes which goes into my stomach causing nausea/stress/anxiety. No wonder I could not enjoy myself!

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that others are aware, or should be aware of how I am experiencing myself , it should be obvious to them when I am uncomfortable others, and that they should take responsibility for me, blaming them for how I was feeling, ‘How insensitive this couple and my husband are, can’t they see how uncomfortable I am here!’ and ‘I am not impressed with their excessive wealth, it just makes the inequality in the world more blatant, I do not enjoy using their toys, I just want to go home.’ But if I was not impressed, why was I so uncomfortable and jealous? It was both, some jealousy/desiring the ‘good/easy’ life and some judgement of how it is wrong people exist in such extreme financial polarities on this earth

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Day 235: From Anger to Forgiveness 3

 1378175_247863385367125_1424571162_nContinuing From Day 231: Anger and Hate 1
                            and Day 234: Healing Anger  2
Statements of Commitment to Change and Living the Change
When and as I see myself thinking, ‘‘I hate that man, he used me, he almost killed me’ or going into thought patterns around this issue, I stop and breathe. I make sure I look to see what brought on the thought and the actual reason for the anger and not follow the energies of blame and superiority but remain and focus on what is before me in the physical. I realize the anger comes from me not growing up and facing life in reality. I also realize this is my fear of speaking up (I suppressed many thoughts/emotions/questions when I was seeing this person because I did not like what I heard the times I did speak up) that started as a child seeing my mom acting submissive while being bullied by my dad and that my fear is a fear of loss, based in self-interest and not what is best for all.
When and as I see myself becoming possessed by emotions of fear, anger, hatred and spite, wanting revenge, humiliation, regret, resent, shame, guilt and blame in and around this issue I stop, I breathe. I remind myself it does not change the past to engage in these energies but only harms the body more & I remind myself to not separate myself from another using the mind (delving into the past as memory experiences) but that we are all here as life on this one planet we share.
I realize I was trying to abdicate my responsibility around this issue, as I would do anything (not too out of the ordinary but nonetheless) to manipulate this man so he would see me.
I realize I was drinking alcoholically during the years I dated this person and this had an adverse effect on my decision making. Mostly I realize I was afraid of life/to face life on my own, as a single parent and so focused/projected this fear onto this other being so I would not have to face myself!
When and as I see myself participating in backchat/inner chatter around the issue of anger toward this person, I stop and breathe. I make sure l look at what connected me to the first thought and bring my awareness back to the physical so I am able to focus on my daily tasks, accomplish my responsibilities without getting further distracted in my mind, talking to my memories. I realize I was drinking alcoholically during the years I dated this person, as I was using alcohol as a tool to stop the voices/thoughts running wild in my own head so I was not mentally stable. I also realize, while my illness was not my ‘fault’, as fault/blame is not the point here, the point is there was a problem in the physical with me being mentally and physically unstable and to FIX IT, as in take self-responsibility to find a solution and heal. This is exactly what I did/am in the process of doing within stopping the use of all alcohol and drugs and taking DIP, gifting myself back to myself and then to all, as me.
When and as I see myself going into my imagination, with moving images/memories/scenarios if I should ‘run into’ this person, I stop and breathe. I make sure I am in reality and stabilize myself with breath, touch my body and hear the sounds around me, I remind myself I am a physical being and I am not able to effectively direct myself here if I am lost up in my head of imagination. I bring my awareness back down to earth and carry on with my day. I realize I was into spirituality in and around the time I was involved in this relationship and thought my dreams were a message/sign from ‘my higher power’ and I should continue to pursue him.
When and as I see myself letting anger control me, telling me how to feel and how to act in an instant, which creates behavioral changes in my physical body and consequence in my life, I stop and breathe. I remind myself that holding onto anger and/or suppressing anger creates disease as the energy gets layered & stored within the physical body and eats away at the flesh, causing (one of the causes) aging and eventually death/decay.
I realize I have done much healing over the last 10 years, as I stopped drinking and began the long journey to piece my life/self back together. Thus, I am no longer abusing my body with alcohol, sleeping pills, poor eating habits OR my mind with believing in some higher force/being communicating with me/directing my life. I am in the process of birthing myself as life in the physical with Desteni. Through Desteni, I have come to understand my/the mind and thus have been able to let go of much fear and so experience less stress/anxiety/harmsin my body. I realize I have much to be grateful for and get on with the task at hand and focus on the physical, where the real power is, the real solution is, the real answer is, which is: we are one and equal here on earth and must create a planet which reflect this. To accomplish this for all please investigate LIG, Living Income Guaranteed.

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