Day 313: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry 2

energy-as-demon-possessionPlease read  I Don’t Trust Her, Part 1 for proper context to this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I don’t trust her, I feel manipulated and angry’.

Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in  anger/resentment/spite/jealousy, blame, comparison, competition which is veiling an emotion of superiority where I feel better about myself by putting her down in my mind, placing myself above her in separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in inner chatter/backchat like: how did she do that, I told her 3 times I did not want a presentation at my house where I have to invite people and now there is a date set up?! no one wants to come, I tried the first time and people cancelled. no one wants this stuff. this is so 80’s, home parties and discounts. Both these women are so ‘dynamic’ and good looking and sexy. I am not so much anymore, maybe I should try harder like I used to. I can look like they do if I try. My friend is so interesting, she is very knowledgeable about many topics. My husband thinks she is very attractive in many ways. I don’t trust her. I used to have terrible nightmares about her sleeping with my husband.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  then react  by bullying myself into guilt for my initial reaction of anger, with inner chatter like, ‘she’s really not so bad, I shouldn’t criticize her’.  Then I go into the polarized reaction of  fear, fear of being manipulated/ taken advantage of/lied to/spited/losing my partner ,  and this fear is what is hiding the truth of me, a more deep rooted belief of inferiority.

To Continue

neighborsDIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

Day 312: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry!

multi 2 multi multi 3Here I am opening up a new point, in which I can see from my very title, how I allowed myself to be manipulated lol. A friend of mine, who had recently moved back to the city I live in, asked me to attend a Arbonne party, in which she would be selling skin/beauty products. I could not attend as I was very ill from the detox I was doing. So I asked her to invite me to another in the future. We both are members of AA and I asked her if she would like to go to a meeting with me. We made a date then I discovered her intention was this was a date for her to do her Arbonne presentation, I was surprised and said ‘oh I thought we were going to a meeting, just invite me to another party’ but she insisted we get together for this other reason and I could invite others. I felt pressured and guilty because I did want to support her by purchasing some products. However, I have had experience in the past with several of these multi-level marketing companies, trying to get people to come to my home for a ‘party’ and it is not that easy/simple. I find people generally do not want to attend and often cancel last minute so I told her I would meet with her but just her and I.

I do understand the concept of these companies to empower people to have their own business, which is very cool. Thus I do not mind supporting another in this endevour by purchasing useful /quality products. As the day grew closer this person was texting me asking me again to invite others. Even though I repeated several times, ‘no it will just be you and I’ she asked again and again. When she was at my home for an hour she told me her ‘sponsor’/partner in the business would be arriving soon for another part of the presentation. Again, I was surprised and told her that was not necessary but the woman arrived anyway.

I told them they did not have to go into an Arbonne presentation for me. I have experienced several of these over the last 25 years from make-up to health supplements to cleaning products to finances to making money online etc. They all focus on how you will make big money, try to recruit you and ask for referrals. I am not interested and made this clear to my friend from the beginning months prior. I then had to very clearly state, ‘no, I do not want this presentation’ the woman then asked me ‘don’t you want to knowwhy R joined the company?’ I said ‘NO, I told her already I want to support her by purchasing some products from her’.

I felt kind of crappy about being so straightforward but I was self-honest in the moment, I was not rude/did not have an ‘attitude’ about it at all, just spoke stable and clear. I was able to let go of the need to be liked in that moment as well.

After the woman left, my friend and I spoke for awhile and at one point she told me this was an ‘extra’ job to make money so she could afford to ride horses, which sounded realistic to me. However, not long after that she said she ‘hopes to retire in 10 years’ from building up this business. I did not say anything. This I feel is unrealistic and do not agree with the tactics of this company, using dreaming big/unrealistic goals to recruit people. Having said that, if my friend is able to achieve this -great! Some people do but the majority do not. This company (and many others with similar structure) feeds on people’s emotions, creating dramatic ‘highs’/excitement in their group meetings and charts showing them how much they can make. My friend created some stability in a twelve step program, which she is no longer focusing on, and this concerns me.

As well, they get you to first and foremost rely on friends and family to make sales and within that, get your friends/family to invite their friends/family.

Probably some of my anger is that a relative of mine is also involved in another business venture in which she is doing the same thing, insisting on a presentation when I cannot use nor afford the product, at this time in my life. I gave this person 3 referrals but she is back to asking me for a meeting/presentation again!

I do realize it is a cool way-simply by changing our purchasing habits-to empower the individual versus continuing to pour money into the multi-nationals, with items like beauty products , supplements, household items and services like life insurance.

How I Have Changed:   I was able to, both prior to the evening and while the two women were in my home, examine some of the thoughts and emotions in relation to this issue. I could see my anger/resentment/spite/jealousy comparison, competition and fear of being manipulated/ taken advantage of (by buying products I could not afford/need/want or agreeing to hosting a ‘home party’) which I have learnt, through taking the DIP (Desteni I Process) course, is a point of inferiority existing within me.

So because I am now more aware of what is going on inside of me I was able to keep it brief/to the point and basically say ‘No thank you’. In the past I would have made all sorts of excuses/reasons to these women, in which they could ‘argue’, as I realize they are in sales and trying to make a living, thus for every objection I would give they are taught to first be diplomatic /agree with me , then reply with another sales feature and benefit of their product/opportunity and then make another close-ask for the sale again. That is all cool, I have been in sales and this strategy works! I knew however, I would not be interested in this opportunity, nor did I have any referrals I could offer.

I was able to discern -with some small reaction of guilt and fear of rejection- that I was not being rude but I was being clear, thus not wasting my or their time further. I could put in perspective more the fear of rejection, as if my friend did not to maintain ourfriendship/fellowship after this, that is something I do not control, I told her to call me whenever she wants to go to a meeting and I was ‘pleasant’ with both of them, that is all I can do. I am cool with that.

Having said that, I still did experience several thoughts, backchat and emotions (I did not ‘relate to’them/participate/follow them nearly as much as in the past): Some of my thoughts/backchat: how did she do that, I told her 3 times I did not want a presentation at my house where I have to invite people and now there is a date set up?! no one wants to come, I tried the first time and people cancelled. no one wants this stuff. this is so 80’s, home parties and discounts. Both these women are so ‘dynamic’ and good looking and sexy. I am not so much anymore, maybe I should try harder like I used to. I can look like they do if I try. My friend is so interesting, she is very knowledgeable about many topics. My husband thinks she is very attractive in many ways. I don’t trust her. I used to have terrible nightmares about her sleeping with my husband.

Thus, I will further face this issue by deconstructing the thought: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry!

To Continue

neighborsDIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

Day 304: Realizing and Living my Utmost Potenital: Self Purification

pure 2pure 4Here I share my  ‘Desteni of Living’ –  my commitment too apply the following principles and to stand as a living example to others.  In coming blog posts and videos I will be walking each individual Principle and how I am already Living the Example of each Principle and/or How I Walk a Practical Process of Self-Correction and Responsibility to Become the Living Example of each Principle. 

Principle #4: Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others.

How am I living this principle throughout each day?

I can see that my body and being is forcing me to slow down, not allowing me (as much) to move in energy, as the quantum physical reactions ie. of going into anxiety/building anxiety is more immediate and extreme/severe. Thus I am more aware of my bodyand my breath moment to moment, staying here one breath at a time, I am more aware when the energies are starting to build and use the tools of focusing on what is before me and breath to flow with tasks rather than rushing. I am sticking to my daily processcommitments, while realizing/reminding myself often I can only do things in the physical one breath at t time. I am participating in rushing much less (in the last week) and participating in resistance/procrastination a bit less, even if I do find I am still resisting ie. writing or working on my timeline I AM getting these main points done, each day I am committed to do so.

*Of course, this is a process from consciousness to awareness and so not perfected as yet. I had a phone conversation with someone recently where a reaction was upon me so fast I did not catch it in time. So I spoke with my DIP Buddy about it, which was extremely assisting for me to see exactly what was behind this reaction, in fact why I react with certain thinking patterns to this person quite often and have throughout my entire life! So I applied self-forgiveness outloud about this point within our phone conversation and for the past. You cannot change what you are not aware of or what you do not understand. I feel more confident I can change this relationship going forward, within walking a living change when I am with or speaking with this person.

*I am committed to consistently working on my DIP timelines, specifically reactions. It still seems like a daunting task, like it will ‘take forever’ and is still a tangled web but a little less so as I remind myself just do one point at a time/one breath at a time, eventually it will get done. This involves, for one thing, the writing of self-forgiveness and commitment statements.  As points open up, I can see how  I can apply what I am learning about me:  why I react/when I react/how I react, to many similar situations in my life.

I see I am more focused when speaking with others, on reality and on the person before me,  thus have the opportunity to walk process in real time.  I am sometimes able to see my quantum reactions before I speak  so I do a quick forgiveness statement (in my head) and then apply/live the correction in immediacy. Meaning, stop the reaction, take responsibility for the reaction and get back to focusing on who I am with and how to address the situation (should there be one) in the physical.

I am focusing on solutions more, when talking to others and when I am alone, meaning because I am more aware (not lost in my mind of thoughts/imaginations lol) I am better able to look at/identify the problem, big or small, then put my attention towards applying/ living a solution.

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
JUMP IN!
pure 3

Day 296: Realizing and Living My Utmost Potential: Principle #3

living wordsin and outThe Desteni of Living

 Here I share my  ‘Desteni of Living’ My Declaration of Principle–  my commitment too apply the following principles and to stand as a living example to others.  In coming blog posts and videos I will be walking each individual Principle and how I am already Living the Example of each Principle and/or How I Walk a Practical Process of Self-Correction and Responsibility to Become the Living Example of each Principle. 

Principle #3: Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa.

1. I was out for dinner with my husband and in a conversation, where I would usually react to something he said OR become robotic/suppress my reaction and respond in a manner I think I should/destonian like lol, I was able to express myself in a way that was passionate/get my point across strongly, without using energy/becoming angry or shouting/increasing volume. Interestingly, I find often my partner mirrors my behavior, as he did this time, we did not escalate into an argument but remained respectful of each other and calm, heard each others points and left it at that. Neither of us was trying to ‘outdo’ the other/be ‘right’/get in the last word kind of thing, as we have in the past-for years!

2. I am no longer looking at my Desteni I Process (mind construct) as homework/a burden/something I have to or should do/an obligation but living the realization: it is for me to heal me-face who I have become and make the changes necessary to become/livewhat is best for all. I am approaching the self-forgiveness within self-honesty and not something ‘to get through’/that is overwhelming and thus suppressing what is actually behind all the postponement-the points I should be tackling/healing, but simply unfolding it in the moment, meaning asking myself questions like : what do I see here, why, where did that come from, what is the core of the emotion/thought here? So looking at the problem and answering/finding the solutions within the self-forgiveness. I am finding, while it is more writing surprisingly, it actually takes less effort (energy) and time than all the mind interference, as in thoughts and emotions (guilt/dread) that go along with postponement lol.

3. I stopped participation in a reaction of jealousy when looking at pictures from my daughter’s wedding, on her facebook page-almost immediately-and re-defined ‘L’s wedding’ : it was an awesome/enjoyable event, not about me. I was able to turn my attention and focus from indignance like, ‘humph…where am I in these pictures?’ to enjoying the pictures for what they are in Reality/physically; a record/image of an event that was joyful and meaningful to many :)

So I can see myself changing, more in the moment/as it occurs or shortly afterwards, from existing as only self-interest ‘what about me?!’ attitude into ‘how can I assist and support another/what can I offer/give in this situation?’ which is more in-line with what I say I would like to be/who I am/ who I aspire to be.

 

 

Day 295: Previously Unpublished: Facing a Biopsy : Fear and Worry 2

WORRY

For proper context , please read the last post. From Day 294:  This post was previously unpublished because I had not told my husband I needed a biopsy.  I decided to post it because, having read it again recently, I thought it may support and assist another who is facing a biopsy, as it helped me tremendously.  I have since then been informed my biopsy results were ‘normal’.

I have been told I need to have a breast biopsy because they think there may be increased CALCIFICATION in my left breast. They are concerned because this could be a sign of there being cancerous cells but more so a condition of pre-cancerous cells/stage zero cancer.

Commitment Statements : trying to stay out of fear/worry/anxiety

When and as I see myself forgetting my very origin of me/myself, my being and my body and my alignment to the physical and so this physical existence I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to access what is here in reality before me, the physical. I realize it is in this very forgetting that has caused (or partly caused) the calcification of the breasts in the first place. I realize it is my responsibility as life to remain aware/here, in order to birth myself as life in the physical and to thus stand as an example to others. I commit myself to the process of breath awareness in each moment and to bring myself back to reality each time I find I am lost in my mind.

When and as I see myself neglecting me, my body and this very existence that I exist within & thus not living the life that had been given to me in every single breath that I breathe and within every thought, word and deed I stop, I breathe. I remind myself/make sure I am accessing what is real, as in what is here in the physical. I realize when I am not present/aware I can very quickly go into characters in my mind, based on the past and my pre-programming, which means I am then merely existing as/from the starting point of the past, not here as life. Thus, I commit myself to the process of being ever aware of the life that has been given me, within each thought/word/deed.

When and as I see myself going into fear, within thoughts/thought patterns of having breast cancer and could die I stop, I breathe. I remind myself it is not supportive but leads to further reactions which can be harmful to the physical body. I realize I have notrespected my body/my being/myself through improper use of my mind throughout my life but I can now, as what is best for all and thus best for me. I realize only in this way will I be of assistance and support to myself and others. I understand it does not changereality to participate in my mind, whatever the outcome of the biopsy is, I will take treatment as /if required and/or make changes to my diet/lifestyle as required and J and H will do the same. I will share with J and H what I have learned from Desteni/Eqafe so that we all have the tools necessary to not re-create the conditions currently present in our physical bodies-tissues/cells/blood/etc. Thus, I commit myself to the process of staying out of my mind of fear/imaginings and becoming a physical being and not a mind programmed being.

When and as I see myself going into imaginations and backchat, in and around this issue with myself/H/J I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to check where I am and what I am doing in physical reality and to carry on with the task at hand/my daily responsibilities. I realize this does not mean I am not caring for/loving myself/J/H but that I am stopping the mind patterns in which I come from the starting point of the past. I realize that living in the past/memories can be harmful, as they inevitably lead to energetic reactions and I refuse to participate any further. I am now standing up from this and stating ‘Till here no further!’ I now understand the body has the power to heal itself, although treatment may be necessary for any one of us because of manifested consequence. I realize further mind participation will just re-create the same environment which damaged/changed/altered the cells/tissue in the first place. I will share with J and H what I know. Thus, I commit myself to putting my time to practical use-in the physical- by preparinginformation/links to send to J/H and possibly publish as a blog to share with others. I commit to stay with the physical-doing/acting/creating- instead of allowing mind possessions within imaginations and backchat/internal conversation and the emotional reactionsof worry/fear/anxiety/stress that follow.

When and as I see myself participating in emotional reactions, which create harmful energies in the physical body, and then the behavioral changes and consequences that follow, in and around this issue of waiting for biopsy results for myself/J/H I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to pull my awareness out of the mind and back to the physical. I realize this pattern is useless, as it does nothing to support myself or J/H but staying with breath/here is stabilizing and calming so I can deal with whatever comes with all 3 of us. Thus, I commit myself to stabilizing myself and remaining calm through breath awareness in each moment here.

 

Please Read:   Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer

From Eqafe :   My Life With Cancer
aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjQuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLW5hM3hQUy1zUkdJJTJGVVkzaF94VF9CNkklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUJ2QSUyRnIzcy1YeTJaYnlrJTJGczMyMCUyRmp1c3QlMkJkbyUyQml0LmpwZw==DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

 

 

Day 294: Previously Unpublished: Facing a Biopsy : Fear and Worry

worry 2This post was previously unpublished because I had not told my husband I needed a biopsy. I decided to post it because, having read it again recently, I thought it may support and assist another who is facing a biopsy. I have since then been informed my biopsy results were ‘normal’.

SF Statements: Trying to Stay out of the Energies of FEAR, Worry, Anxiety

I have been told I need to have a breast biopsy because they think there may be increased CALCIFICATION  in my left breast. They are concerned because this could be a sign of there being cancerous cells but more so a condition of pre-cancerous cells. I am reminding myself what my report says (from recent mammogram and ultra-sound) that is appears benign, and that there MAY have been a change, as in increased calcification, but that the test results are inconclusive. Staying here, out of my mind is tough. Focusing on breathing is supporting/assisting me to stay calm. Only a few time (maybe 3 or 4) have I felt it possess me. I am focusing on what is before me in physical reality and what I am learning in recent eqafe interviews, that each atom in the cells and make up of my body, has more power/potential = life force than ones being-awareness, and there are 7 followed by 27 zeros atoms (approx), in the human physical body! And that my beingness has but a fraction of this life force.

Fear and anxiety is accumulating as I /we are also waiting to hear about 2 other family member’s biopsy results. So now I add myself, seems overwhelming. I do not want to tell my husband but I may. It just seems then we’ll be talking about it more and he willworry and this may add to my worry, but I am not positive about this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand the very origin of myself/me in the here of my being and my body and my alignment to the physical and so this physical existence .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect me, my body and this very existence that I exist within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the life that had been given to me in every single breath that I breathe and within every thought, word and deed.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become fear/worry/anxiety, fear of loss, fear of death and suffering, and as fear/worry/anxiety think ‘OMG, I could have breast cancer, I have done this to myself, is it too late to heal?’ In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to assume the worst, becoming the ‘disaster’ character.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in imaginations of: being told I have cancer in a doctor’s office, being in the clinic/on the table as they do the procedure, being in pain from the biopsy, getting a phone call from my doctor with results or just to come in which means it is not benign, being told it is benign, having pictures of my 2 family members (who are awaiting biopsy results) come up in my mind, being told family member’s results: good and bad.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to in backchat like: I hate tests/biopsy, I am afraid it will be painful, why don’t they sedate you, it’s cruel. I hate the doctors and nurses/technicians and I dread waiting for that phone call. If I talk to people about this, it makes it more real, if I talk about it I will focus more on it and that can make matters worse. Why am I so fearful if I havn’t even had the test yet-so have not heard the result yet! I could die, I don’t want to die. I’m sure it’s benign, they said it looks benign, then why do they want to do a biopsy? (I know why) what if it’s not benign…

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the following emotional reactions, in and around this issue: FEAR: fear of loss of my life, fear of death, fear of an incurable disease, fear of pain/suffering, fear of losing a family member, fear of another family member having cancer again, fear of a life wasted/or not lived to my utmost potential. Also, stress, anxiety, tension, worry, regret, anger at medical people and anger at myself/self-blame/self-judgement.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into physical body/behavioral changes and consequences like: tension /tightness in my chest and shallow breathing, breathing too quickly, pain/tension in my shoulders and upper back/back of neck and head, anxiety stirring in my solar plexes and stomach. This has the consequence of putting too much stress on my digestive system, trouble sleeping, possibly increasing number/severity of menopausal sweats, creating energies /usingenergy to eat away at the flesh thereby possibly creating the very disease/condition I am concerned about, using the body to feed the mind consciousness systems so strengthen the mind and all it’s energetic reactions instead of strengthening my resolve here.

to continue

Please Read:   Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer

From Eqafe :   My Life With Cancer

 

living words 3DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

Day 292: Re-Defining Breast Micro-Calcifications

living wordsliving words 4Please read the previous 3 posts : Overwhelmed with Information: ‘It’s too much for me to handle’ for proper context to this blog.

Dictionary Definition: Breast calcifications are calcium deposits within breast tissue. They appear as white spots or flecks on a mammogram and are usually so small that you can’t feel them. Although breast calcifications are usually noncancerous (benign), certain patterns of calcifications — such as tight clusters with irregular shapes — may indicate breast cancer. Micro-calcifications. These show up as fine, white specks, similar to grains of salt. They’re usually noncancerous, but certain patterns can be a sign of cancer.

My Definition: A thorn in my side, a mystery which is controlling me, taking me to places within and without, where I do not want to go/I am afraid of going.

Sounding:

breast: B-rest = slow down and also give the body rest/healing time

micro: extremely small/minute

microscope = look closer at the fine details of your body and your life, as they make up the totality of you within and without

calcify: to become ridged or hardened = moving too fast within my mind and within the physical world (thus moving within energy and not a stability), without considering my body and being, has resulted in the breast tissue hardening/calcifying.

Explore in Writing:

I went for my biopsy yesterday and it was fine. I was concerned because many women reported (online) of it being extremely painful. But this was not my experience. The nurses/doctor/technicians gave me all the time I needed to ask questions and answered everything thoroughly. They were clear and honest about the procedure and it was NOT painful. I stayed with breath awareness (aware/focused on reality before me in each moment-meaning I was not in my mind of thoughts/emotions/imaginings-breathing slowly in and out) and sometimes I counted inside my head using 4 count breath (4 in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 hold etc.).

So now I am waiting for the results and will go from there. However, I have been doing research and it seems no matter what the biopsy outcome is, I still have a large amount of micro-calcifications in my left breast and some in my right breast (they are not concerned with how they appear in my right breast at this time). It seems-no matter the outcome-sometimes there are false negatives and false positives of any test and things/breast tissue can change over time so there is still concern. Part of me thinks just remove the area of calcification regardless (lumpectomy) and part of me thinks just leave them and do /follow an alternative treatment program and part of me thinks do a combination of both! Obviously, I have to wait for the results to decide the best method of treatment for my body and being.

Re-defining the words/term Breast Micro-calcifications:

A condition in my breasts that is present at the current time and has been for a least 4 years. This condition may have changed from 2012 to now (July 2014), in that there may be more/increased micro-calcification in my left breast, the doctors are unsure because of mammograms now being digital versus film so more detail of the breast tissue is seen AND my breasts are now less dense, having gone through/going through menopause, so again more detail/calcification is able to be seen.

Thus, I am redefining this term as: an existent condition within my breast tissue, which I am in the process of healing/stabilizing by walking a treatment plan of: possibly surgery (to be determined) and an alternative treatment plan, which includes Dr. Kelley’s One Answer to Cancer (a radical change of diet, supplements, detoxes for all the major organs among other things). Thus I am addressing my whole self, mind/body/being, taking a holistic approach, which makes sense to me. I realize it took time to create this situation and will take time to heal it, thus I remind myself to be patient yet vigilant in my daily approach

Please Read:   Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer

From Eqafe :   My Life With Cancer

 

living words 3Cool Google Hangouts:   To watch and to join in!  You can participate in live hangouts each week, ask questions.

                        Personal Growth: DIP:  https://www.youtube.com/user/DesteniIProcess

A Living Income Guaranteed LIG:  https://www.youtube.com/user/BIGuaranteed