For proper context to this blog please read the Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 : After listening to the Eqafe Interview: Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past… what is resonating in the background is direct blame and anger for many years of struggle.
When and as I see myself going into thought patterns, which bring up memories and then suppressing emotions of anger related to blaming my ex for my financial and mental struggles after we separated, I stop and breathe. I remind myself I knew on several levels he did not want to be in a committed relationship with me before we were married, that he and I did the best we could/were capable of at that time, that he did not force me to drink or isolate after our marriage I did that myself, he cares about me even to this day and I care about him. In that, when and as I see myself participating in self-blame, within memories of when I ignored and then suppressed all the warning signs that my ex was not an appropriate partner for me to enter into a marriage with , I stop and breathe. I realize blaming myself is self-sabotaging and does not change the past. I commit myself to stop all such blame of my ex and myself for the events that followed our marriage break-up. I commit to focus on what is real in our lives today and deal with issues (regarding our children), as they arise, in a practical and calm manner.
When and as I see myself going into fear of conflict with my ex today and then suppressing thoughts and emotions , I stop and breathe. I remind myself that I am not always going to get the response I desire, as my ex will respond according to his own ideas and ways of doing things. Therefore, I will support myself by-if I see a reaction has come up within me- leaving it and not judging him/having expectations and then reacting in disappointment or- if there is no movement within me = I am stable- I will respond self-honestly using a calm/stable voice, within what is here in the moment, reality to facilitate a solution that is best for all involved. I thus commit to change me.
When and as I see myself participating in the entire playout/scenario: where I go into blaming backchat, then the emotions arise , imaginations where I re-play and change the past so ‘feel better’ about myself OR memories and then the inevitable body stresses that ensue , I stop and breathe. I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical. I make sure I assess whatever is going on in the present as a physical reference, as what is a practical in the moment, and not an energy reaction based on the past or belief about myself or a judgement/opinion of another. I realize/remind myself my ex and I were not equipped with the necessary life tools to communicate effectively when we were married. I also realize I had a need to control him during our marriage (and when we were dating) because of unresolved issues from my childhood, I now understand I could not face my own fears of him rejecting me and so suppressed them, in self-interest not considering what would be best for him/both of us. I no longer allow energies tocontrol my decisions and communications and commit to the process of dealing with life‘s issues self-honestly in the moment, not allowing myself to go into fear and then suppression. Thus, I simply allow myself to continue with my own self-responsibility and delete reactions as I realize that building up blame and anger in the face of repeated patterns only frustrates me.
When and as I see myself creating a consequential outflow of upsetting my children/ex and then stressing relationships in and around this issue, I stop and breathe. I make sure I am staying in the reality of this here moment and not going into the past as memories. I realize I would react the same way if someone was criticizing/attacking one of my parents, they have heard it all before, they are sick and tired of my ‘poor single mom stories/role. I remind myself how important my relationships are, how I want to build trust so I am able to support and assist my children and ex (and they for me) and enjoy their company and not the opposite. Thus, I commit myself to treating my children and my ex as I would want to be treated -with respect as an equal and one being here- and commit to the process of changing me.
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