Day 161: Solution to ‘All or Nothing’ Thinking of the Paranoid Alcoholic 2

Please refer to the 2 previous post, Day 159 and Day 160,  for context to this blog.

From the previous post:  Where did my extreme thinking come from ?  Why did it manifest? …So basically, throughout my 18 years living in my parents home, I never knew which home I was going home to.  And the two experiences were opposites to the extreme!  One home I dreaded/felt under attack, the other I welcomed and felt safe and secure.

How does this extreme thinking manifest today?

In my marriage I can see this extreme thinking, often when my partner and I have an argument or I am concerned about money.  I can go from being quite stable and content within my life to imagining/planning my great escape in my secret mind, as in getting my own apartment and then going into fear and anxiety about surviving on my own and then going into guilt about hurting my partner and our children.  All unnecessary and quite ridiculous.  These revenge fantasies are a waste of time and do not solve the issue at hand. All I require to do, I now realize after examining this issue within the act of daily blogging (applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application), is to stop and breathe, to stay out of my mind and assess the situation calmly, then to direct myself within my day and, when the time is appropriate, to discuss the matter using common sense with my partner, and not go into my mind of the past-with associations and relationships from past memories -while remaining with breath AND IT ALWAYS WORKS. No drama required!

When I was an active alcoholic, the ‘all or nothing’  thinking would manifest much more absurdly, like;  ‘I am going to write a song today and it must be a hit song so I can make some money to keep the house for my children and show them ‘dreams come true’ as this will make me a good mom and I can buy them things to show them my love’, obviously putting insane pressure on myself, to the point I could not even enjoy the creative process as much as I should have, and living in delusion of fame and fortune not to mention living in extreme self-interest. So any small step I could take/took was never enough and this was ultimately self-defeating and self-sabotoging. I also beLIEved my ‘higher power’/god wanted me to write music ‘for the good of all’  but in common sense how could this be?  What difference would it make?  Is a song so important?  Of course not!  It was my mind, consciousness, based in self-interest and survival,  relying on my ego, needing/desiring to be special/important, which enslaved me and it worked all right!

I see this ‘all or nothing thinking’  within my participation with my online course, being very productive one day to the point of over doing it, and then the next day feeling exhausted and having to get caught up with family/work  responsibilities. So back and forth to the extreme, really going for it and then giving up, like ‘I can’t do this anymore, there is not enough time’. So as I continue to allow myself to relate to the internal conversation and the emotions, they build and build until I can’t not stand the stress anymore-overload, panic, time to bail, time to run!  This in turn leads to a lack of consistency, therefore little forward movement step by step, day by day, which is the recipe for success. The fear of failure and rejection becomes overwhelming and so to escape the negative energy experience of fear of failure, one tends to replace it with a positive  energy experience as an escape, so I reach out for a sweet treat or go rollerblading or have a nap or just plain give up and do not complete my daily tasks/commitments.  Instead, I tell myself  ‘I am free, ah, thank god that is over’ and I feel relieved and so that is ‘good’.  When all I require to do is to apply/direct myself daily within stability, having a reasonable schedule/plan and sticking to it.  That means dedication and perseverance, something the alcoholic finds difficult because it’s not exciting, it’s normal=boring to the alcoholic mind, which is quite immature.

I also see this ‘all or nothing thinking’ within my family life, worry thoughts about the safety of my adult children, my mom’s health–they will die–  or gossipy/judgmental thoughts about my siblings/friends–they are wrong or I don’t want to be with them anymore, paranoid/suspicious thoughts about my partner–I want out of this union/I don’t trust him or his intensions. Will not elaborate more here but I have written about this is other blog posts, see within my timeline, and will investigate these further in blogs to come.

Finally, extreme thinking comes out as fear of death /disease, like every little ache or pain or bump means I have cancer and I’m going to die. As I have blogged about his extensively in the past and will again, I will not go into more detail here.

In Cathy Krafft’s blog post today, she examines this point-the fear of death- brilliantly and comes to some very cool realizations! I highly recommend reading this post.  http://cathy4worldequality.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/day-236-calling-the-beast-by-its-name-breast-cancer-fear-of-death-day-21/#comment-1535   An excerpt:  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in shame and fear within the need to have or be with someone / in a relationship in order to confirm the definition I have of who I am.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself into and with a relationship with my mind.

The point within ‘all or nothing’ thinking I have realized is what a waste of time it is, as I always, eventually, calm down and pick up where I left off  BUT there is only so much time in a day and within a lifetime so why waste it on reactions, when you already know the outcome. It is round and round, up and down when all one requires is to examine the point of the extreme thought/s in self-honesty-so face yourself- and then learn to direct yourself so as to produce an outcome that is best for you in your life and best for all.

I /you can only do anything breath by breath-point by point- using energy in the form of so rushing/panicking -is self-sabotaging. thinking/believing there is not enough time or ‘I can’t’ is just that –thoughts. The thoughts themselves are not reality, you here is the only reality there is and when one slows down and moves with breath, much is possible and you will find -as you prioritize and commit to a daily schedule YOU CAN. There is no higher power outside of you that is going to heal you, your alcoholism or your thinking/paranoia.  The solution to ‘all or nothing’ thinking is YOU!   But as I mentioned, this is a process that takes time and requires patience and dedication.  There is much support for this within the Desteni I Process Course and FREE DIP LITE , course.

To understand paranoia, the context of how it is being defined and discussed within these blogs, and the  Mind in its relationship to THOUGHT   Read Creation’s Journey to Life Blogs – introducing/outlining the context for/as Paranoia in relation to Consciousness: DAY 395, DAY 396, DAY 397, DAY 398, DAY 399, DAY 400

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 160: Solution to ‘All or Nothing’ Thinking of the Paranoid Alcoholic

Please refer to the previous post for context to this blog. From the previous post:

This blog series will focus on alcoholism but it is equally written for the social and heavy drinker.  Alcohol, any alcohol is not suggested/recommended as, it may quiet the mind/relax one for a short period of time, but the ‘coming down’ /hangover part, after one sobers up, is often, and increasingly filled with paranoid thinking and extreme feelings (ie. depression)  so is simply not ‘worth’ the quick high and definitely not ‘best for all’ when considering mankind/human beings as a whole. Within these blogs, abstinence is recommended.

definition of paranoid: baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others.

This website,   http://www.rightdiagnosis.com/a/alcoholic_paranoia/intro.htm

lists some of the symptoms of Alcoholic Paranoia as:

• Delusional jealousy
• Delusional suspicion
• Distrust
• Sexual brutality
• Impotency after alcohol consumption
• Recurring state of panic
• Paranoid thinking

What is the solution to the ‘all or nothing’ thinking of the paranoid alcoholic?  First one must stop drinking-total abstinence.  It assisted me to belong to a group, AA (alcoholics anonymous).  Then, equally as important, after one has been sober for minimum of 3 months to begin a self-honest investigation into your thinking processes, understanding of your thinking processes and stopping & changing your thinking processes.

STOP TALKING INSIDE YOUR HEAD. STOP CONTEMPLATING.. THEORIZING..HESITATING.. DOUBTING,  STOP ISOLATING

You do not require thinking to be here as life, you require breath, breathing in and out, here in stability.  Sound too simple?  (favorite pass time of the paranoid alcoholic-we complicate things).  Try it!  Stop thinking right now and just focus on your breath, in and out, for 60 seconds.  Are you ok?  Now, stop breathing, for 60 seconds, not so easy is it?  In fact, breath is the very thing that gifts you life, without it you will die.

I realize this is a massive task but not an impossible task.   A few blogs ago, I redefined the word impossible:

Impossible =I’m Possible         I’m possible, in that the trinity I exist as, of mind/body/beingness, is the actual manifestation of ‘possible/possibilities’, being in the process of becoming life as the living word in the physical, and so I become the directive principal of me here, thus no longer search outside of myself but realize all is me, within and without, and I take full responsibility of what occurs in both universes and direct both in awareness, moment by moment with breath.  As ‘I’m possible’ I am pulling this life force/awareness into myself in the very movement of investigation, participation and integration to become part of  my whole self to create what is best for all.

Please investigate the Quantum Mind Interview Series for incredible support into understanding the mind in absolute detail of how each thought you ever had was made and why.  I also understand how many alcoholics love the dramatic, excitement, a challenge, especially when they are told  ‘NO, you can’t’ …well, this is an exciting  journey and challenge, unraveling the mind.

In order to stop using your mind of consciousness, you need to understand why and how a thought arises-over and over and over again or why a pattern comes up, almost relentlessly until you cave in, after being tortured , hounded, hunted into submission. I recall thinking,  ‘Hell, just forget it, I can’t stand the noise in my head, I need to shut it up and I know how’ and then going to get a bottle.

Where did my extreme thinking come from ?  Why did it manifest?  As I look back, I can see as a child being very fearful of my father, when he would be coming home, if he was coming home.  As a chiropractor he worked 2 nights a week and I would always be relieved when it was just my siblings and my mom for dinner.  As we got older, the first thing anyone asked when they arrived home was ‘is Dad home, is he drinking?’ and then I would go into combat mode if he was home and/or drinking.  My father picked on his children, sometimes when he was sober but always when he was drinking. I felt on guard, unsafe and unsure, like in a war zone.  Home should be a safe haven but it was often (not always) the opposite.  Also I often did not like what we had for dinner when my dad was home.  Later, when I was a teen, he cooked sometime and it was pretty awful.

When it was just my mom at home, as I walked through that door after school ,COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY, she was light and friendly and interested in our day, for the large part she was very respectful of us and made great food, she seemed to enjoy being our parent and preparing healthy and delicious meals!

So basically, throughout my 18 years living in my parents home, I never knew which home I was going home to! And the two experiences were opposites to the extreme. One home I dreaded/felt under attack, the other I welcomed and felt safe and secure.

To continue

 

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Day 153: Who Creates The Subservient Woman? continued

Please note:  Blogs: Day 147-152 are relevant to this post.

Thought:  I’m not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the ‘I’m not good enough’ character in reaction to a non-response from another or what I perceive to be a negative response from another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, when someone  does not respond to me/notice me, that I am insignificant because I ASS-u-Me they are ignoring me and think I am insignificant, thereby completely victimizing myself and following another instead of directing myself/standing as myself but waiting for their response to validate me/give me purpose instead of validating myself in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear, anger, blame, judgement, self-judgement and self-punishment when another person does not respond to me and to allow these negative energies to possess me. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the positive energies of relief, validation, ease, feeling  a false sense of stability if they should respond at a later time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in internal conversation/backchat like: he/she thinks it’s ok to ignore me because I’m insignificant/I’m a failure/I’m not as good as the others/I will die /I’m not going to make it/my work is not as good as the others/I don’t do enough/I don’t do things right/I’m not that smart/I’m not thorough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then experience physical body reactions of :  a severe welling up in my solar plexes-reacting like I’ve been attacked-like a ball of  anxiety, tightening of my shoulders and upper back, clenching of my jaw, all this resulting in body aches and extreme uneasiness causing tension and stress throughout my body.

When and as I see myself going into the ‘I’m not good enough’ character because of a non-response or a response I thought was negative from another, I pull myself out of my mind of thought and back down to earth, I use my breath to stabilize myself and remind myself no one can create my reaction BUT ME and that is the part I am responsible for. I also realize I tend to ‘jump to conclusions’ moving too quickly in my mind and need to slow down and consider my every thought/word /deed, as in stabilize myself here and then assess/speak/direct the situation in common sense and self-honestly, considering all involved equally.  In that , I also see I need to stop all judgements and assumptions and look at what is real, my part in it, and go from there.

When and as I see myself going into polarizing energy emotions, depending upon how the situation turns out-gets left or resolved- I stop myself and bring myself back here, to the physical and deal with the situation in reality, as energy is not required and only depletes me. I now see/realize/understand I have been dependent upon the acceptance and approval from others-usually men but sometimes women in authority positions- to tell me how to feel, as depending upon the interaction I am : happy or sad/high or low/good enough or a loser/will live or die.  I commit to no longer give someone, outside of myself, such power/authority.

When and as I see myself participating in nasty backchat/internal conversation around this issue I stop, I breathe and bring my awareness out of my mind and back to here, to the physical world, as I now see/realize/understand I am all alone up there in my mind of chatter and paranoia-it is isolating and dangerous as there is no reference or check with reality, it is based on my past experiences/memories from my past and not based on reality today/here, I have no right to judge another and make assumptions about what they say/think of me, as it is obviously what I think AS IT CAME FROM INSIDE OF ME therefore it exist within me and so is my issue to deal with.  I also understand it is quite useless to worry/obsess about this point and  it is better/common sense to just ask the person and see if they have some support/insight they can offer if they feel I have an area that needs attention/improvement.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

For further reference, read  the Equal Money  Wiki

• Place your questions as the Equal Money Forum
• Visit the Group Capitalism vs. Equal Money group on Facebook.
• Read the Equal Money  Wiki
• Read Economist’s Journey to Life

Day 152: Who CREATES the Subservient Woman?

Please read the previous posts, day 147-151, for context to this blog.  Continuing…

So, how do I practically walk the change/the solution, being a new relationship, one of total responsibility , within the word ‘creator’?

 Self-Corrective Statements and Self-Corrective Application:

When and as I see myself going into blame within the current financial situation of my life-which is a consequence of my past action or inaction- I stop and bring myself back to breath, to here, as I now see/realize/understand I am the creator of my life/existence as I am capable of making changes (and I have done this) to my income, so becoming financially independent, I have for the most part taken care of  the debt I accumulated throughout my life, I have an equal partnership within my marriage today whereby I am responsible for most of the household duties and contribute  some income and my partner makes most of the financial contribution, I have all I need and no longer am plagued by want/desires, I am grateful for all I have and realize billions of people/animals/nature’s many species suffer from lack due to the inequality of the current world systems and I am contributing to bringing about a world which will share the resources in a way that is best for all.

When and as I see myself creating the consequence of self-harm/self-victimization, by reacting to a memory, specifically the memory of my father saying ‘Sandy always tries so hard, even when she knows she won’t win’  ( my dad was referring to a running race when I was in primary school), I stop I breathe and bring my awareness back to the physical, to here, as I now see/realize/understand I do not have to allow this memory to define me, it holds no power over me except what I decide in each moment to give it, my father did not mean I would never win-that was my reaction and I have used it as an excuse to ‘not try’/give up at times in my life- and therefore my responsibility, I actually did think I had the chance to win and do not allow myself any longer to give up before I even try something/start something new because of fear of failure, I cannot be a creator if I allow fear and memories define who I am here.

When and as I see myself reacting with the emotions of fear, anger, resentment, and blame because I have given my authority/power away to another, I stop and remind myself I am the authority in my life/I am the moving force that is breathing/speaking/doing and thus the creator and no one else, I also realize these emotions create the consequence of leading me into non-action and so depression/apathy, thus I cannot grow/expand/learn and apply/give and share with others. I state clearly, No,this is no longer who I am, I commit me to change’ and carry on with the task before me.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE

RE-PARENT YOURSELF: RE-BIRTH YOURSELF TO BECOME THE LIVING WORD!

	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development: Phase I: 0-1 Years Phase II: 1-3 Years Phase III: 3-7 Years
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: The relationship to Sound and Energy of Words.
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when the Baby Resists the Energy of the Words?
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when a Baby Accepts the Energy of the Words?

Day 149: My Relationship with the Word ‘Creator’ 3

Please read the previous two posts, day 147/148, for context to this blog.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not the creator of myself and my world and thus I am not responsible because everything is being done TO me, instead of AS me (so living in re-action versus being the directive force)  as who I am in every  thought, word and deed .

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to give the ultimate authority -the author/the living word- over myself, as my mind/beingness/body  within and my physical circumstances without- to a male figurehead either in the sky as in god/universe or in my life as in husband/boss/father/etc.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to hope he is benevolent as he is the decision maker whether I live or die, how I live and die, how others live and die, so I am helplessly at the whim of this creator and resigned to just go through the motions, ‘make the best of it’ -this life of no control-robotic and depressed.

Thus, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then believe that if this creator, god or male authority figure, rejects me, I am ‘doomed to death’ so I better damn well please him/suck up to him/try to be good enough for him or else! In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot take care of myself on my own-stand on my own financially and emotionally, as well within my agreement with my husband, to think my contribution financially and homemaker duties are not enough when it is clearly working/agreed upon/equal AND within my online course, that my contributions are not enough, when I am facing myself each day, breath by breath, and will do more as I am able, being in a process.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the following emotions and feelings around my relationship and associations to the world ‘creator’ :  fear of death/fear of homelessness/fear of poverty/fear of exposure-cold/fear of loneliness, anger, resentment, blame, self-blame, less than/inferiority, helplessness, hopelessness, greed, self-importance/vanity/narcissism, gratefulness, awe, respect/love.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of failure-not good enough character/fear of death/arrogance/gratitude onto a being-real or imagined-other than myself so I don’t have to face myself in self-responsibility as the creator of my life and my world but am more comfortable externalizing the consequences of my every thought, word, and deed throughout my life, onto another.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to create massive consequence around relationship and associations with how I have lived the word ‘creator’ throughout my life, some of which are the following:  I spent much of my adult life concerned with my own self-interest/religion of self thinking, within my story of Sandy, I did not have/needed a cottage, wanting fame and fortune through songwriting (thought this was what my ‘higher power’ wanted for me but it was just my mind/pre-programming), somewhat obsessed with looks/image as a woman, fashion, extravagant home decor because I allowed myself to be directed by greed and superficiality.  Another consequence is that I put myself at a disadvantage financially,emotionally and mentally in life by relying on luck, hope, romantic love-dependency, god’s good grace-prayers answered, chance, dependency upon family assuming I was not the creator of the circumstances/events in my life (I realize within the world systems some of our circumstances beyond our control in physical reality) because I did not trust my own self /common sense in that I would be better off taking control, as much as I was able to, within different events happening throughout my life.

Another consequence, due to my relationship and associations within the word ‘creator’ is that I closed my eyes (to some degree-not completely) to the suffering of others and did not ‘love my neighbor as myself’ and ‘give as I would like to receive’ so fed into the material world by not speaking out about abuse and purchasing products in which animals/people/the plant kingdom/the oceans were being abused and depleted.  Why?  Because I did not experience first hand their suffering, I could ignore it by not reading about it/not watching the news and remain in my bubble/comfort zone pretending everything was fine in the world because everything was mostly fine in my comfortable world.  Another consequence is that I suffered horribly, by living in the past and blaming, with mental illness and alcoholism as I could not, at the time, see any other ‘answer’ to the emotional pain I was facing than attempt to escape what ‘fate had dealt me’ by going inward into fantasy/prayer/spirituality and then music writing and drinking alcohol and isolating.

To continue in the next post

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 148: Taking Responsibility for My Relationship with the word ‘Creator’ 2

‘Forgive them father, for they know not what they do.’   OMG, what have I done? Surely I did not do this, I am a good person, I care…don’t  I? ‘

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to completely separate myself from this word ‘creator’ as if it exists out there somewhere and thus separated/abdicated any and all responsibility toward this word and all the associations I hold within me, toward this word.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the words: power, bible, father, universe, god, higher power, savior, birth, death, pain, disease, suffering, nature, animals, ocean, sun, moon, stars, space, beauty, flower, miracle, impossible, human, body and the hierarchical polarities of greater/lesser, powerful/weak, victim/victor, winner/loser, beginning/end, birth/death, war/peace, boss/dependent-worker   to the word ‘creator‘.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself not consider myself the creator of the extensive amounts of abuse that exist in the world in relation to:  purchasing make up that has been created through cruel experimentation on animals, through passing on ‘the sins of the father’ by not being aware of my every thought/word/deed while I was raising my children and I thus raised them ‘in my image and likeness’, by sleep walking my way through life-unaware of my self-interest- and thus participating as ‘creator’ in massive inequality within income/healthcare/education/housing conditions of the people around me and the world at large.

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang onto/desire to keep my relationship to my comfort and thus have not been willing to face the changes required, firstly in my inner world, to change me, because I consider it ‘hard work’/uncomfortable to change, so I resist letting go of my ego, as in my personality of memories, emotions, feelings  and rather stay stagnant because it is the ‘devil I know’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘the creator’ as in it had the power to give me life and then at some later date, take it away and then blame this creator for this cruel and unfair position it put it’s little creation in, being me!

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to associate all men, in any kind of authority position in my life, real or imagined authority,  to the ‘creator’ so that if they rejected me/left me/did not approve of me it feels like a death or like I will die/they are killing me/destroying me and then I blame them, as in they have done me wrong so I right to blame them, I did my best.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then participate in all sorts of nasty backchat/inner conversation in which I first abdicate any responsibility and then go into self-blame/self-loathing/punishment/judgement, so from one polarity to the other, of some of the following: birth and death is a stupid design, whoever designed the mind is stupid and irresponsible as it malfunctions easily and is cruel, god does not love /take care of everyone obviously as millions stave and suffer so is not a benevolent force/being, I don’t trust the creator and I don’t trust this world but I’m helpless against death so I have no choice (powerless) so I’ll try to do the ‘right’ thing… how dare he judge me as unworthy/I don’t count/I can be discarded/I”m forgettable/I’m not special/I’m not worth keeping around, he thinks I’m not good enough, he thinks I’m pretty enough but not very intelligent, he ignores me… maybe he’s right, I’ll be alone if I’m rejected by him, how will I get along/cope in this world without him, I could die/die young/be poor/not enjoy life without him…maybe he is right, what did I do/say wrong, if only I had done x/said x, why am I such a loser/failure, I didn’t do enough for him, I’m not good enough for him.

In that,  I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, during my years when beLIEved in a ‘higher power’/love and light, participate in backchat/inner conversation of the nature of some of the following:  it’s ok there is a loving design, its none of your business the business of life (lol, makes no sense to me now), do not question just have faith, god/universe loves us unconditionally, there is a plan, it’s all a loving plan, everyone is here to learn lessons, it’ll make sense when I die AND all of the self-depreciating talk above.  However, (during that period of my life) I was either wrought with insecurities and dependency on my first husband, or drinking alot , or into the AA  (alcoholics anonymous) higher power idea so not self-empowered at all and was always searching for answers, until I found the Desteni Message and DIP Course!  So, this love and light inner talk did not assist and support me to stop the self-blame/judgement/punishment and help me stand on my on two feet and  stop living from the starting point of the past-it actually kept me in an unequal/enslaved/dependent relationship on a creator outside of myself.

To continue in the next post

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Day 147: Taking Responsiblity for my Relationship to the word ‘ Creator ‘

In today’s post I am deconstructing the word ‘creator’ and examining my relationship to, and responsibility toward, how I live this word.

When I consider the word ‘creator’ my mind goes to ‘god’, the higher force/being that is responsible for bringing about the existence of earth and all it’s inhabitance. Whatever that power is, I suppose I have defined it as ‘the almighty/omnipotent one/the ultimate authority’ and I was just the blade of grass/the child of this power greater than I and therefore at it’s mercy. I ‘hoped‘ it was a benevolent force and that if I ‘try’ to be a good person (doing the odd random act of kindness unto another) and eat sensibly I would be spared it’s wrath and enjoy a relatively easy life and not suffer too much and go somewhere ‘better’ when I die.

I assumed the creator was more than a single entity, yet I ‘pictured’ the creator as the ultimate ‘father’/the godly figure in a long robe and white beard/or a massive white light or something similar.   Have to admit, I thought of the creator as a male figure head/the boss to whom I should or must submit/try to please/be accepted/in his good books and so my relationship/associations  to this ‘creator’ was much the same as  my relationship/associations to all the males throughout my life who I had any kind of authority issue, imaginary or real, with. So, all bosses, my father, my father’s friends/associates, older male relatives,any leader of an organization I was part of, any head of a group of people I was associated with-be a church or school, sports teams, drama club, etc. and of course husband.

It is not so much I thought these ‘male authority figures’ were better or smarter than I , in fact, I often was quite smug, judgmental, harsh, condescending in my assessment of the male authority figures in my life.  I dealt with the dilemma of being at their mercy/under their authority with an attitude like, ‘well, they are quite stupid but there is nothing I can do about it so I will submit and do the best I can to not anger/upset this mean and ignorant man and get along as best I am able, until I can leave/be free of them’.  Often, with bosses I had some mad crush on them at some point within our association and would fantasize about being with them, so although I was fearful and submissive I was definitely attracted to this authority/power and would sexualize  (sexual eyes) this attraction. Related to this would be the fantasy of marriage and being financially taken care of , so creating a dependency. So there was, in these cases, an attraction-pull and a revulsion-pushing away, very polarizing forces.

Well, this is interesting/reveling, I started writing about my relationship to the word ‘creator’ and am now writing about sex, money, and dependency on A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF= GIVING A MAN IN MY LIFE AUTHORITY OVER ME, which, I realize,  is not their fault by the way .  Within my relationships with the opposite sex during my lifetime (with the exception of my marriage today) there has also existed the ‘ownership’ issue, being that this guy had to stay with me ( I owned this guy) or I would just die.

To continue in the next post, deconstructing the word ‘creator‘ and applying self-forgiveness and a self-corrective application, in which I write a statement of how to walk/live this word, from the starting point of self-responsibility.

Join Us in the Process of ‘freeing’ oneself from Consciousness as Provided in the Desteni I Process LITE which is a FREE Course and the Desteni I Process PRO, and returning to one’s Source-Beingness and equal and one Physical Body Relationship.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE

RE-PARENT YOURSELF: RE-BIRTH YOURSELF TO BECOME THE LIVING WORD!

	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development: Phase I: 0-1 Years Phase II: 1-3 Years Phase III: 3-7 Years
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: The relationship to Sound and Energy of Words.
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when the Baby Resists the Energy of the Words?
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when a Baby Accepts the Energy of the Words?

Day 144: Changing Myself in Relationship to the Word ‘Impossible’ 4

Please read the previous 3 posts for context to this blog .   From Day 141:  The next word I will examine and deconstruct, in relation to my eyesight is ‘impossible’. Interesting word on many fronts, it is actually an end point, a final bowing out, an admission stating, ‘I am powerless to change this’ …Apparently,  it is quite acceptable, in today’s world, to wash your hands of any and all responsibility to any breakdown of the human body, including ones eyes as I am facing here, as it is god/the way it is /the circle of life/the universe/whatever and not in fact ourselves–as part of that ‘force’ one gives all power to. Well, if that force/god encompasses all,  ARE WE NOT PART OF THAT ‘ALL’?   Yup, so why do we abdicate our responsibility?  That is all I am doing here, removing blame and self-pity and beginning a process of investigation.

Continuing: Self-Commitment Statements and Self-Corrective Application

Internal Conversation and Backchat Dimension

When and as I see myself participating within my mind of backchat/internal conversation around the word ‘impossible’, specifically with regards to my eyesight, I stop and breathe and pull myself back to reality and the physical, and state ‘No, not participating’  as I now realize engaging in ‘talking to myself ‘ is just talking to my memories based on the past, knowledge and information I have accumulated throughout my lifetime and what I constantly fed as stimuli to keep me pre-occupied and obsessed within self-interest and survival and NOT what I, and all as I, are capable of becoming and living here.  In that, I understand that the mind as it exists currently is not functioning in a way that is best for all within-as in ones mind/body/beingness OR without-as in the world systems.

Emotion and Feeling

When and as I see myself going into fear, anger, blame, helplessness/hopelessness around the word ‘impossible’ and the thought, ‘This is useless, I am being a fool again, I cannot heal my eyes, it is impossible’ I remind myself  ‘no more, I do not accept/allow my awareness, my who I am, to be defined within/as such energies’.  I stop. I breathe, and I commit me to change, as I now understand how these energies control my behavior and my actions to be that of apathy, compliance, and giving up using the excuse of ‘human nature’ and how you can’t change human nature and you can’t change the world and so…I don’t.

Physical Reactions and Behaviors

When and as I see myself allowing physical reactions/changes to occur within my body-through fear and apathy-within my accepted relationship to & associations with the word ‘impossible’ I stop and breathe, I relax and focus on the sounds around me and what is here in my reality/my day to get grounded, as I now realize how I am instructing, layer by layer, my body to respond to words-as words are codes within the physical- and are alive as a force/are part of a sequence of how the physical behaves and so I commit to take greater responsibility within the words I speak so to change the relationship from one of harm, to one of harmony, to make each part of the  physical aware, so as to ‘..assist each other as part and as whole to a more sustainable functioning unit that will be best for all parts.’  Bernard Poolman

Consequence Dimension 

When and as I see myself having gone so far down the rabbit hole with this thought pattern & relationship to the word ‘impossible’,  that I have manifested consequence, I realize I cannot change what has occurred but I can continue my process to prevent further consequence in the future, by stopping participation within the mind of consciousness and remaining diligent to be here-using breath awareness-also by being aware of the words I speak so I eventually become the living word-as self-responsible- instead of just living unaware and thus having to react to what I create/manifest all the time, not realizing I created it in the first place!  In that, I now understand by becoming/standing in full responsibility I am no longer helpless/hopeless but a directive force/being alive and able to support and assist another.

Re-Defining the Word ‘Impossible’:

Impossible =  Im-Possible = I’m Possible        I” m- Poss- Pull       I’m- Pulling

So as I forgive ( fore-give) this, I am gifting to myself-even before I receive it- the possibility of change of growth and repair of the physical eye, so it may learn /become aware with me and take steps to heal/reconstitute and so re-gain it’s closer range, focusing/functioning abilities.

Impossible:  I’m possible, in that the trinity I exist as, of mind/body/beingness, is the actual manifestation of ‘possible/possibilities’, being in the process of becoming life as the living word in the physical, and so I become the directive principal of me here, thus no longer search outside of myself but realize all is me, within and without, and I take full responsibility of what occurs in both universes and direct both in awareness, moment by moment with breath.  As ‘I’m possible’ I am pulling this life force/awareness into myself in the very movement of investigation, participation and integration to become part of  my whole self to create what is best for all.

Blogs:

• Day 367: Investigating Human Rights

• Day 366: The Human Right of Individuality

  Day 365: Is God a Fundamental Human Right?

• Day 363: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part One)

• Day 364: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part Two)

• DAY 362: Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation

• Day 368: “Please Save a Child”

• Check out the Desteni I Process Lite –
  a FREE course that will assist humanity to end the disaster of a dysfunctional consciousness.
• Check out the Equal Money System –
  a solution that can be established in this lifetime to end the disaster of a profit driven system.

Day 143: ‘Impossible’ Taking Responsibility for my Relationship to Words 3

Please read the previous 2 posts for context to this blog .   From Day 141:  The next word I will examine and deconstruct, in relation to my eyesight is ‘impossible’. Interesting word on many fronts, it is actually an end point, a final bowing out, an admission stating, ‘I am powerless to change this’ , like a death.  Only thing is, when I hang on to the belief that x is impossible within my ‘story of Sandy’, meaning my mind of thought/feelings/emotions, I am thrust into relating to the word from ‘her perspective’ ,so this then becomes  my relationship to the word-thus it is wrought with helplessness, hopelessness, dis-empowerment. It is basically a giving up,  like a permission to give up because x is impossible after all, no point trying you will fail.  Who says?  The past says so, memories  say so, information and knowledge from school and books says so,  the intellectual says so , the elite and corporation and government says so…

Self-Commitment Statements and Self-Corrective Application Statements

Thought Dimension: 

 The Thought  ‘This is useless, I am being a fool again, I cannot heal my eyes, it is impossible!’

When and as I see myself going into/participating within this thought pattern around the word ‘impossible’ I immediately stop myself and bring my awareness back to the physical, to breath, as I now understand within the forgiving I am gifting myself in a spontaneous act to be possible, as in for-before and giving-giving to myself, and so state, ‘no more do I allow my awareness, my who I am, to be defined within/as such a word, as I am in a process of changing impossible to possible within changing the governing principals of the eye, which controls  the flexibility of the crystalline lens, from diminishment to expansion/correction, in every here moment.

Fear Dimension:

When and as I see myself reacting within/as fear around the word ‘impossible’, fearing the total/partial loss of my eyesight, I stop myself and state, ‘No, I will not go into a reaction of fear’ and I breathe and focus what is real, here within the physical as I now realize the fear in itself  is quite useless (in this case) as it does not change reality, I do not know if my eyes/physical will respond ‘in kind’ to this process-whether I will ‘succeed’ – but either way I am learning/expanding my understanding of myself as a physical unit made up of billions of  parts (organs/cells/tissue/blood/etc.) and we are ‘in this together’ and so an increased awareness will/is occurring, which can only be beneficial.

Imagination Dimension:

When and as I see myself going into my mind of imagination around  the word ‘impossible’, with all it’s relationships and associations of failure/catastrophe/giving up/loss of eyesight/aging, I pull myself out of my mind of moving pictures and back down to earth, get grounded, I  feel my feet on the ground and take a deep breath reminding myself I am a physical being, as I now understand nothing changes when I am lost in my mind of imagination/moving pictures, I am putting myself forward in time or back in time and not here where my life is, I cannot effectively direct myself within my day/move/get things done  when I ‘m lost in thought/imagination.  In that , I also realize  when I imagine something as impossible, I am instructing  all of the cells within my physical body and of my eyes the same-impossible- as we are all parts of the same unit, lastly, I now understand I have created a relationship of finality around this word/an end point and I commit to say ‘no’ to this association and to move myself within my day and my world, to create a world of equality and cooperation within, as my mind/body/beingness, and without as in the world systems, to create a new world system that is best for all, through Equal Money Capitalism.

Blogs:

• Day 367: Investigating Human Rights

• Day 366: The Human Right of Individuality

  Day 365: Is God a Fundamental Human Right?

• Day 363: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part One)

• Day 364: Basic Human Rights and Crime (Part Two)

• DAY 362: Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation

• Day 368: “Please Save a Child”

• Check out the Desteni I Process Lite –
  a FREE course that will assist humanity to end the disaster of a dysfunctional consciousness.
• Check out the Equal Money System –
  a solution that can be established in this lifetime to end the disaster of a profit driven system.

Day 93: Anger: Suppressed…Medicated will kill you eventually

Please read the previous 2 blog posts, Day 91 and Day 92, for context to this blog. I am continuing deconstructing the thought, ‘‘I don’t trust your friendliness and big smile, you seem nice, but so did the other women in my life and they dumped me when I was down and needed their friendship the most, they are shallow and unforgiving people.’ AND ‘I don’t like my girlfriend and her husband as much now that I know they have gossiped about me/judged me behind my back.’

I will include here the last paragraph of Day 91, as it is important to refer to as I  continue to write.

SO IN THE FIRST 7 YEARS OF MY LIFE-THE MOST PROMINENT LEARNING  YEARS  & the years where the mind develops the base/main personalities within/as the mind consciousness systems I LEARNED:

from my dad:  to react with anger when you are feeling out of sorts/bad/tired/drinking alcohol-this is how I perceived him as I now look back and translates for me as ‘when you feel threatened/less than/inferior/over-looked’ and blame others for how you are feeling (especially others who are vulnerable /weaker than you and so no threat to you)  and this anger will give you all power/authority/control over others as they hide-cower in fear from you!

from my mom: to be submissive, when there is trouble- stay silent-suppress any /all reactions or temptations to speak up or interfere-Do not fight/argue as it only makes things worse.

Continuing:  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/be possessed by the following REACTIONS OF emotions and feelings around this thought: fear, anger, jealousy, inferiority, superiority, self-doubt, blame, revenge, guilt, dislike and/but to then suppress most of these emotions.

I commit myself to the process of breath awareness so as to be aware of when these energy reactions arise and to stop myself and bring myself/my awareness back to the physical, here, so as not to be distracted/preoccupied in my own mind in/of separation but present in the conversation/moment of whatever is occurring in reality as I now see /realize /understand these reactions are COMING FROM ME, I AM INDEED THE CAUSE AND EFFECT of them IN THAT MOMENT and I cannot blame another for my reaction, blaming is useless and spiteful and only serves to separate me from the beings I am with so I am unable to hear them for real/enjoy their company/contribute to the conversation in any meaningful way, I am re-living the past as memories-memories that I have perhaps changed to suit my ego in which I am right and another is wrong in polarity- and not existing/sharing as life here as I am lost in my own private world of thoughts and reactions. In that, I realize these reactions of anger cause me to ‘pull away’ from other beings resulting in me being isolated and cause me to want to go to extreme thinking of ‘ending’ relationships and sever ties with others. I see that the combination of reacting with anger and then pushing it down, so as not to ‘make things worse’ by speaking up, as my mother always told me, left me overtime-overwhelmed and brought on depression. I now understand the point is not to lash out in anger but to express how I am experiencing myself in the moment (or if inappropriate/impossible at that moment, to write it out later in private) so that one way or another, it is expressed and not suppressed as and within me. I realize, over the years, a huge amount of anger, emotions of inferiority, jealously, fear, dislike, and the emotion of superiority all built up inside of me (and then the consequential guilt that inevitably followed -at having the negative emotions- because ‘nice’ girls ‘like’ or ‘act like’ they like everyone so have no ‘right’ to be angry, etc. )and when I was faced with a crisis (my marriage ending and having no money and two small children) I had no practical tools to deal with all the emotions and became mentally unstable (I transfered all the emotions onto another man and obsessed him) and then turned to alcohol to medicate myself. No wonder I became an alcoholic, I could no longer push down the emotions and I did not know how to cope with them BUT  ALCOHOL DID, ALCOHOL PUSHED THEM DOWN FOR ME. Therefore, I commit myself to the process of not ignoring reactions but expressing myself in self-honesty in the moment (or in writing) in the physical to release these reactions and to also use breath to stabilize myself in the moment/s they arise, so as to not ‘sit’ with the emotions but clear them as and within me, so that I am no longer the embodiment/slave of/to the mind in the form of ANGER, but I am life here!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in the following behavioral changes within my human physical body with/as my reaction of anger and the other emotions mentioned above, towards this woman, my girlfriend and her husband:  a stiffness very quickly within my chest/shoulders/solar-plexes/jaw, shallow breathing, anxiety as in a queesy-almost excited -feeling in my stomach, a hyper alertness-like being ready for or under attack.

I commit myself, to assist and support myself, to stop all such participation in these physical body reactions due to anger arising within and as me and to bring myself out of my mind and back down to earth, to the physical, with breath, and so in such moments, to take a deep breath in and out and relax and hear what is being said/shared and take my time to respond as I now see /realize/understand it is often my rushing ( which I understand is fear, my need to be taken seriously/to be heard/to be not overlooked or rejected TO SHOUT I AM HERE) is that is the reason for the inner turmoil which builds upon itself bringing one emotion after another in increasing intensity and speed, which most often (and in this instance) results in an internal outburst/storm and then the pushing down of that internal outburst/storm, as I wouldn’t want to  ‘risk’ ‘making things worse’ by daring to speak up (and I never learned how to ) to clarify a point/voice an opinion calmly or rationally/release any confusion/OR I would speak up in anger/reaction -too extreme a response as my father would, to exert power and control by use of intimidation/fear and then have to deal with the consequences later of guilt and remorse, timelooping myself, having to repeat this same pattern/experience over and over.  Another consequence being, this suppression of the reaction of anger creates dis-ease as/within me. It is no  longer acceptable to me to allow myself, as the mind, to use energy-specifically the in the form of anger- to infiltrate my body and my very life and essentially consume the flesh.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race on EQAFE

RE-PARENT YOURSELF: RE-BIRTH YOURSELF TO BECOME THE LIVING WORD!

	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development: Phase I: 0-1 Years Phase II: 1-3 Years Phase III: 3-7 Years
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: The relationship to Sound and Energy of Words.
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when the Baby Resists the Energy of the Words?
	The Natural Learning ability of the Physical Dissected Specificity of Child Development 0-1 Years: What happens when a Baby Accepts the Energy of the Words?