Day 314: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry 3

women
women 2Please read  I Don’t Trust Her, Part 1 and Part 2 for proper context to this blog.

From Part 1:  Here I am opening up a new point, in which I can see from my very title, how I ALLOWED myself to be manipulated

Continuing with Commitment  and Self-Corrective Application Statements:

When and as I see myself thinking how I don’t trust another and coveting my emotions of anger, self-righteousness with the hidden starting point of superiority I stop, I breathe. I realize no one forced me to do anything, blaming another for my actions is useless. I can see I only need to remind myself to slow down within interactions with others and be aware of what I speak and agree to, as well to not have expectations of the other person or a desire/want attached to the worlds I speak. I understand I was afraid to say no to this person as I did not want to be seen as unsupportive thus disliked.  Therefore, I commit myself to slow down and consider what I am participating in and why, also to allow myself to be noncommittal to a person for a time, while I figure things out so only say ‘I am not sure, I will have to get back to you about this issue’.

When and as I see myself going into emotions of anger/resentment/spite/jealousy, insecurity, blame, comparison, competition and self-righteousness which is veiling the emotion of SUPERIORITY I stop, I breathe. I realize it is on purpose my mind wants me to focus on the other person in this instance, like ‘they are wrong, they are always like this, I can’t trust them’, so I do not look within my own self/being and take responsibility for my own reactions!  I also realize this is how women remain/become enemies within separation through embracing the design of competition and comparison instead of embracing each other as support/respect/sharing/caring.  I understand I do not require to ‘feel better’ about myself-placing myself above another in superiority, or feel anything at all, I simply require to direct a situation, within calmness and breath, toward a solution that would be best for all involved.

When and as I see myself engaging in inner conversation/backchat that is full of anger, insecurity and comparisons around this issue of my friend wanting to sell me skin care products I stop, I breathe. I realize when I participate in this inner dialogue, I come to beLIEve it  and I become it, as these thoughts are living words.  I realize I do not know how my friend experiences her mind or what her pre-programmed thoughts are thus I have no right to blame or judge her.  Also, I understand that I do not control others so it is useless to worry about my partner having an affair with this person/leaving me for this person-essentially I only have myself and I am learning to treat myself with respect and care and that includes being in control of my own mind.  Thus, I commit myself to bring myself out of my mind of chatter at the first thought/pixel by focusing on what is here in reality, as well I commit to focus on supporting the people I am in contact with/close to in this life instead of imagining shit about them, wasting my time. Lastly, I commit to speaking up in self-honesty if I am unsure of a point of a decision that needs to be made, versus staying in-security/silent within self-interest.

When and as I see myself becoming/living the self-definition, based on the starting point of inferiority, of ‘I’m not good enoughmeaning: not clever enough/smart enough/tough enough to deal with this situation/handle this person I stop, I breathe. I realize I programmed this self-definition of inferiority a very long time ago, as a child when I was afraid to speak up in my home and I was afraid of my father-somewhat my mother.  I realize, I chose at that time to hide/ become less/shrink from the world instead of reach out for assistance and support, I understand I did not have the tools to do so, thus it is not about self-blame. I no longer choose to participate in this self-victimizing  behavior, thus I commit myself to push myself beyond my pre-programming and accepted limitations and speak up/take chances/make mistakes because today I chose to learn/grow /expand and in so doing  I support myself and others in this one life here.

 

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Day 313: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry 2

energy-as-demon-possessionPlease read  I Don’t Trust Her, Part 1 for proper context to this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘I don’t trust her, I feel manipulated and angry’.

Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in  anger/resentment/spite/jealousy, insecurity, blame, comparison, competition and self-righteousness which is veiling an emotion of SUPERIORITY, where I feel better about myself by putting her down in my mind, placing myself above her in separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in inner chatter/backchat like: how did she do that, I told her 3 times I did not want a presentation at my house where I have to invite people and now there is a date set up?! no one wants to come, I tried the first time and people cancelled. no one wants this stuff. this is so 80’s, home parties and discounts. Both these women are so ‘dynamic’ and good looking and sexy. I am not so much anymore, maybe I should try harder like I used to. I can look like they do if I try. My friend is so interesting, she is very knowledgeable about many topics. My husband thinks she is very attractive in many ways. I don’t trust her. I used to have terrible nightmares about her sleeping with my husband.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  then react  by bullying myself into guilt for my initial reaction of anger, with inner chatter like, ‘she’s really not so bad, I shouldn’t criticize her’.  And behind the guilt is the reaction of  fear, fear of being manipulated/ taken advantage of/lied to/spited/losing my partner/physically harmed.  Behind the fear is what I was trying to hide from,  lifting the veils of self-deception to get to the truth of me (at least of my mind), a more deep rooted belief of INFERIORITY.

Thus, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in inferiority to a person I define as a strong character  and think ‘I cannot say no to them’. Thus,  I am not directing myself in self-honesty here but allowing my mind to bully me into doing things out of obligation/need to be liked/fear because of a self-belief that I am inferior/not good enough/helpless/weak/limited. So it is not so much that I was manipulated into doing something but that I believed I was incapable of  speaking up and telling my friend ‘no, thank you’ when she told me about her skin care products. 

To Continue

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Day 312: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry!

multi 2 multi multi 3Here I am opening up a new point, in which I can see from my very title, how I allowed myself to be manipulated lol. A friend of mine, who had recently moved back to the city I live in, asked me to attend a Arbonne party, in which she would be selling skin/beauty products. I could not attend as I was very ill from the detox I was doing. So I asked her to invite me to another in the future. We both are members of AA and I asked her if she would like to go to a meeting with me. We made a date then I discovered her intention was this was a date for her to do her Arbonne presentation, I was surprised and said ‘oh I thought we were going to a meeting, just invite me to another party’ but she insisted we get together for this other reason and I could invite others. I felt pressured and guilty because I did want to support her by purchasing some products. However, I have had experience in the past with several of these multi-level marketing companies, trying to get people to come to my home for a ‘party’ and it is not that easy/simple. I find people generally do not want to attend and often cancel last minute so I told her I would meet with her but just her and I.

I do understand the concept of these companies to empower people to have their own business, which is very cool. Thus I do not mind supporting another in this endevour by purchasing useful /quality products. As the day grew closer this person was texting me asking me again to invite others. Even though I repeated several times, ‘no it will just be you and I’ she asked again and again. When she was at my home for an hour she told me her ‘sponsor’/partner in the business would be arriving soon for another part of the presentation. Again, I was surprised and told her that was not necessary but the woman arrived anyway.

I told them they did not have to go into an Arbonne presentation for me. I have experienced several of these over the last 25 years from make-up to health supplements to cleaning products to finances to making money online etc. They all focus on how you will make big money, try to recruit you and ask for referrals. I am not interested and made this clear to my friend from the beginning months prior. I then had to very clearly state, ‘no, I do not want this presentation’ the woman then asked me ‘don’t you want to knowwhy R joined the company?’ I said ‘NO, I told her already I want to support her by purchasing some products from her’.

I felt kind of crappy about being so straightforward but I was self-honest in the moment, I was not rude/did not have an ‘attitude’ about it at all, just spoke stable and clear. I was able to let go of the need to be liked in that moment as well.

After the woman left, my friend and I spoke for awhile and at one point she told me this was an ‘extra’ job to make money so she could afford to ride horses, which sounded realistic to me. However, not long after that she said she ‘hopes to retire in 10 years’ from building up this business. I did not say anything. This I feel is unrealistic and do not agree with the tactics of this company, using dreaming big/unrealistic goals to recruit people. Having said that, if my friend is able to achieve this -great! Some people do but the majority do not. This company (and many others with similar structure) feeds on people’s emotions, creating dramatic ‘highs’/excitement in their group meetings and charts showing them how much they can make. My friend created some stability in a twelve step program, which she is no longer focusing on, and this concerns me.

As well, they get you to first and foremost rely on friends and family to make sales and within that, get your friends/family to invite their friends/family.

Probably some of my anger is that a relative of mine is also involved in another business venture in which she is doing the same thing, insisting on a presentation when I cannot use nor afford the product, at this time in my life. I gave this person 3 referrals but she is back to asking me for a meeting/presentation again!

I do realize it is a cool way-simply by changing our purchasing habits-to empower the individual versus continuing to pour money into the multi-nationals, with items like beauty products , supplements, household items and services like life insurance.

How I Have Changed:   I was able to, both prior to the evening and while the two women were in my home, examine some of the thoughts and emotions in relation to this issue. I could see my anger/resentment/spite/jealousy comparison, competition and fear of being manipulated/ taken advantage of (by buying products I could not afford/need/want or agreeing to hosting a ‘home party’) which I have learnt, through taking the DIP (Desteni I Process) course, is a point of inferiority existing within me.

So because I am now more aware of what is going on inside of me I was able to keep it brief/to the point and basically say ‘No thank you’. In the past I would have made all sorts of excuses/reasons to these women, in which they could ‘argue’, as I realize they are in sales and trying to make a living, thus for every objection I would give they are taught to first be diplomatic /agree with me , then reply with another sales feature and benefit of their product/opportunity and then make another close-ask for the sale again. That is all cool, I have been in sales and this strategy works! I knew however, I would not be interested in this opportunity, nor did I have any referrals I could offer.

I was able to discern -with some small reaction of guilt and fear of rejection- that I was not being rude but I was being clear, thus not wasting my or their time further. I could put in perspective more the fear of rejection, as if my friend did not to maintain ourfriendship/fellowship after this, that is something I do not control, I told her to call me whenever she wants to go to a meeting and I was ‘pleasant’ with both of them, that is all I can do. I am cool with that.

Having said that, I still did experience several thoughts, backchat and emotions (I did not ‘relate to’them/participate/follow them nearly as much as in the past): Some of my thoughts/backchat: how did she do that, I told her 3 times I did not want a presentation at my house where I have to invite people and now there is a date set up?! no one wants to come, I tried the first time and people cancelled. no one wants this stuff. this is so 80’s, home parties and discounts. Both these women are so ‘dynamic’ and good looking and sexy. I am not so much anymore, maybe I should try harder like I used to. I can look like they do if I try. My friend is so interesting, she is very knowledgeable about many topics. My husband thinks she is very attractive in many ways. I don’t trust her. I used to have terrible nightmares about her sleeping with my husband.

Thus, I will further face this issue by deconstructing the thought: I Don’t Trust Her, I Feel Manipulated and Angry!

To Continue

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Day 293: ‘Taken Away’ What Preoccupies You?

preoccupiedpreoccupied 2Listening to the interviews from Eqafe this last few weeks, has got me to examine/look at exactly what is it that preoccupies me. I can identify 5 major areas/themes that ‘take me away’ from reality and down the rabbit hole of the mind, into a simulated life, versus simply being life here/present with breath each moment. These are: healthfamily, entertainment as in tv series, group participation (Desteni online participation/DIP course) and finances.

Of course, it changes from time to time, depending upon what is going on in my life. Also these main themes can overlap and sometimes there are very specific characters within the theme ie. the paranoid wife within the family character. In this blog series however, I am looking at them in a larger/overall context so that I am more aware within catching the first thought or image that pops up in my mind, thus I am not lost/’caught off guard‘ for several minutes and then suddenly realize ‘holy, I’ve been in my mind for the last 5 minutes!’

In this blog series I will focus on the quantum mind/unconscious mind reactions, asking myself: what is the emotional energy fueling/behind this thought and where does it come from-what memories? And addressing that with self-forgiveness and a corrective application statement, which must be applied in my day to day living to be effective. Please Read:  Practical Desteni

I will start with health, since it has been in the forefront of my life recently.  Note:  I will re-visit writing about this from time to time.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, after finding out my biopsy results were benign, almost immediately, shift from having obsessive thoughts about cancer/death/operations into a  ‘health’ character. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to again rush=panic note: I am in the process of stopping and stabilizing myself when I see this happening.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ‘health’ character and as the health character think about: my niece’s health condition and all the information I want to share with her, future tests/mammograms for myself, to question how the biopsy report is ‘graded’, question why they don’t want to send me the report ?(which is ridiculous as it is about my body-I will continue to insist it be sent to me),which alternative treatments to apply, overloading my body with too many supplements, how expensive it will be to follow a treatment plan.

What is the energy behind these thoughts? Worry/Anxiety and FEAR

They are all coming from the starting point of fear: of loss of control of my body and my life, of the suffering I would have to endure if I were to get ill, of the test/procedures I would have to go through, of the future = fear of the unknown. Please note, I am not suggesting to not care but to replace worry/fear with actual caring and sharing in a practical way-a physical way- through companionship/getting together with others either in person or online/virtual world, investigating information for yourself and if appropriate passing it onto another, purchasing/consuming proper healing supplements and foods, etc. So doing what you can , step by step to move yourself towards your goal and supporting/assisting another as much as possible to do the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come from the starting point of fear, within these thoughts in and around the issue of my current health and how I am walking a treatment plan. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create worry and anxiety putting even more stress and strain on the physical body.

So, why do I get ‘lost’ at times throughout the day within this ‘health’ character? Because of associations/connections the mind consciousness system makes!  It happens so fast, boom boom, one thought after another that you don’t even notice! Like, I have a thought and from that thought a picture pops up in my head…then a memory comes up…..another thought, ‘oh I feel so lousy about that past experience‘…then another thought-‘I was a terrible person’… an emotional reaction of guilt and lethargy comes up…then a thought ‘I ‘m so tired, think i’ll lie down for while’…. and there I go down the rabbit hole, completely preoccupied, completely (or partially) taken away from my day and daily responsibilities, no longer focused on what is actually before me/reality at all!  I am no longer focused on a process of self-realization/growing/changing/expanding or usefulness to others but instead I am thrown back into the past and remaining stuck!

Therefore:

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within mind associations, connecting one thought to another to another…instead of remaining with breath awareness in each moment, thereby catching the first thought and bringing myself back to the physical/reality, I am thus able to move/flow, within a calm stability, throughout my day and able to get through all of my daily responsibilities.

When and as I see myself going into the ‘health character’ within thoughts, imaginations and emotions I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to access only what is here in physical reality and stay out of my mind. I realize jumping into a new character is not productive/supportive to my being and my body whereas moving within physical space/time, facing points one by one is how I get things done, how I change and grow and how I heal, heal my mind/body/being toward a one and equal relationship to all/the physical. Thus, I commit myself to slow down and live breath by breath, aware of myself as a physical being here on earth, grateful and so not wasteful of the time I have here.

When and as I see myself  being controlled by/participating in the emotions of worry, anxiety and fear, in and around the ‘health character’ I stop , I breathe.  I remind myself to bring myself back down to earth, feel my feet firmly on the ground, and out of the mind of energy.  I realize the quantum mind/unconscious mind is going to use whatever it can-in the form of associations to keep me captured in the mind: memories/imaginations/relentless number of thoughts coming at me one after another, creating fear energies-sucking this energy out of me/my body and my being to fuel it’s own existence/keep it alive and indeed in control of me/my life.  Thus, I commit myself to be ever more diligent to not give these emotions and associations ‘life’/to not participate/not strengthen them even more though engaging in them but instead to strengthen me/my beingness/my stand here as life, by remaining with the physical in that moment!

Please Read:   Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer

From Eqafe :   My Life With Cancer

 

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Day 285: Solution to Fear of Exposure

empowermentempowerment 2Please read the previous post for proper context to this blog.

From the previous post :  I am facing a number of points within myself around the issue of being told I need to have a breast biopsy. Interestingly, the point I will face today is about ‘exposure’ meaning I really did not want to share this news with anyone (I did tell my sister and daughter). Unfortunately, I was sent to the wrong clinic, for the required procedure, two days ago which has put me in a more difficult position around my idea of ‘keeping it secret’ as now I have to wait for another appointment and face the stress/build up of the waiting again.

Commitment Statements:

When and as I see myself time looping within thoughts and emotional reactions about telling my husband of this situation I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to access what is here in physical reality and stop participation within my mind. I realize anxiety and stressare not supportive to my mind/body/being and serve no purpose but can be harmful. I also understand I prefer to be quiet within myself and do not want to discuss this with him (at this time) as it will not change anything. After the procedure I will tell him if more treatment is needed and/or I would probably tell him anyway, as he will see physical bruising/possible incision etc. Thus I commit myself to stop all such participation within this decision being a dilemma/back and forth inner chatter in my mind, as I will speak to him about this when and as needed.

When and as I see myself going into fear that I will be seen as less valuable a person/woman/wife/partner if I have breast cancer/pre-cancerous condition and require further treatment I stop, I breathe. I make sure to access the physical, out of my mind and back down to earth, I remind myself where I am and what I am doing in reality. I realize my husband is not my father (believing women are inferior), he loves me and is quite understanding/supportive. I also understand I do not control him/his thoughts and if he has some superiority issues/fear issues, it is for me/my responsibility to understand him instead of judge him or go into fear reactions. I also understand each one here is equal in physical reality as substance, if someone thinks otherwise that is a point for them to face, within walking their own process in their lifetime.

When and as I see myself negatively charging the words exposed and biopsy & reacting with fear/stress to the words exposed and biopsy I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to stop participation in my mind and focus on what is physically before me in my day. I realize having a biopsy is very important and I am grateful such a test/procedure exists to identify early stages of problems in the body and so be able to undergo treatment before the condition manifests into something more serious. I also realize ‘being exposed’ is really a preferable way for all human beings to exist here on earth (using common sense of course, it will take many years for us human beings to reach the point where we can live this way safely and effectively ) so each one is the same within (the mind) and without (how they act/behave in the world), no secrets/secret agendas, as in all is out in the open for all to see. I also realize this is a point I am facing and slowly changing within my life/world so that, it does not matter who knows what–as I see it is myreactions/reacting to another person’s reactions/communications that is what concerns me. Thus I commit myself to slowing myself down, so I am aware of how and when my reactions to others manifest/come up within me and thus can control/direct myself effectively in the moment, in a way that considers all involved/is best for all, which includes the other and myself.

 

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aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjMuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLURwRXBWWmdqU3ZRJTJGVVY1eUh5MlVQeUklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUJpSSUyRlEzYUZxVkV0dExFJTJGczMyMCUyRmJpcnRoaW5nJTJCdG8lMkJsaWZlLmpwZw==DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

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Day 284: Fear of Exposure

fear of exposure 2fear-of-exposure

I am facing a number of points within myself around the issue of being told I need to have a breast biopsy. Interestingly, the point I will face today is about ‘exposure’ meaning I really did not want to share this news with anyone (I did tell my sister and daughter). Unfortunately, I was sent to the wrong clinic, for the required procedure, two days ago which has put me in a more difficult position around my idea of ‘keeping it secret’ as now I have to wait for another appointment and face the stress/build up of the waiting again.

I realize if I cannot face this, within my process of writing and self-forgiveness (Journey to Life Blogging) and share it openly, then I am not providing an opportunity to support and assist another who may have to face/or is facing this same situation in their life, so I am not in fact standing as an example of oneness and equality within my life and living. Within that, I am not growing/changing/expanding but indeed hiding, living with secrets in my secret mind instead of simply facing what is here in reality. This is no longer acceptable to me so I will write about a number of fears that are coming up over the next several posts. I realize it is a little scattered. I will also publish/include my two previously private blogs in a future post, as they definitely supported me in reducing fear/stress while I was waiting for the first biopsy appointment-the one that did not happen lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am reacting in fear and looping within thoughts like: If I tell my husband it will make it more real as he will have so many questions and reactions , then I’ll have to worry about his worry/be taking care of him instead of focusing on remaining calm, then I’ll have to be talking about this situation -stirring up my own reactions- instead of having no thoughts and remaining stable with breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am participating within energetic reactions of fear/paranoia/anxiety within thoughts like: I don’t want to expose myself to my husband because he may see me as less valuable as a wife/partner and this could put myself/my future in jeopardy.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to negatively charge the words ‘biopsy’ and ‘exposure’. Within that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an energetic reaction of fear to the words‘biopsy’ and ‘exposure’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in imaginations of comparisons in my mind, of people who have experienced this process of testing (or something similar) and then go into the energies of fear/worry/stress with thoughts like: they will think I am weak as it is only a test and could be benign. So many others have it worse/suffer greatly, they will judge me harshly, see me as inappropriate, weak , stupid so it is better to keep this to myself and just do it, that person does not understand, I was right as I shared with someone and they got me all upset, I tried to share with someone who has been through this procedure and got no response at all, I do not know what is ‘right’/correct in this situation, I wish it would just go away… that is why I do not want to share , it just upsets me and others.’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘I don’t want to tell my husband because it will bug me if he is condescending, I do not want him to see me differently, I do not want him to control me/my life, I do not want to lose control to him, I do not want him to look at me as a burden especially if I earn less money for a time, I do not want him to treat me differently, I do not want him to remind me of this situation all the time, if tell him I will wonder what he is thinking/I will go into imagination and this is the very thing I am trying to change within myself so it is better to not tell him.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘Women are less valuable than men, a woman who is sick is less valuable than a healthy woman’ and to connect this to a memory of my father.

To continue

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Day 273: Changing versus Avoiding part 3

change 4 change 5From Part 1:   Avoid =  A  Void   Dictionary Definition: Void:  without contents; empty useless; ineffectual; vain.devoid; destitute, a gap or opening, as in a wall. a vacancy; vacuum.

So if I am allowing a void to exist in my mind, by avoiding/not facing certain issues, I am essentially saying to my mind, ‘oh, hey, here ya go, I’m not doing anything with this thought so you can take it and run with it’ and so abdicating any responsibility to what comes up in my own mind!

NOTE:  I am writing one forgiveness statement and one commitment statement for each issue here. However,  I have, in previous blogs, written about most of these issues  in detail, as in all of the mind dimensions:  Here are some of them:    Fear of Disease   Worry About Health    Shopping Guilt/Finances   Fear for the Safety of my Children    Insecurity/Inferiority 

Fear of Breast Cancer

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting breast cancer/any cancer/disease and for participating in imaginations of feeling a lump, being in my doctor‘s office, getting tests done, then going into thought patterns which create reactions of anxiety and stress, in and around this issue.

When and as I see myself engaging in fear reactions around getting breast cancer/cancer/disease I stop and breathe. I make sure I assess the situation within physical reality and that I am going for exams/tests when/as the doctor recommends it. I remind myself I no longer allow energies to control my ‘who I am’/within and my day/movement without. I realize that the physical/substance can be trusted to perform in consistency, as in the beating of ones heart. Thus I commit myself to stay with the physical and not the fleeting and inconsistency of energy in the mind.

Fear of Being a Leader

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when looking at the point of becoming a leader/hearing the words leader/leading/leadership, then going into thought patterns and backchat like ‘I am not capable of being a leader/I could never be an effective leader’, having images in my mind of what/who a leader is, specifically a tall, muscular man who is very commanding and ‘frightening’ looking and sounding, having expectations of myself of how/who I should/will be as a leader thus limiting myself, thinking ‘I do not have what it takes to be a leader, I am not smart enough, it is too difficult, I shouldn’t/won’t even try, I will just give up now, it will take to much time and effort to be a leader’. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in self-sabotage and abdicate my responsibility to create/build the patience and perseverance required within myself to support/assist another.

When and as I see myself reacting in fear to being/becoming a leader and interpreting this as a huge burden in my mind, I stop and breathe. I make sure I am assessing what is here in this physical moment as reality and not an image of what/who is a leader, in mymind. I realize these reactions/future projections are self-sabotaging as they can limit me, as I do not know what can open up as I walk my process. Thus, I commit myself to putting in the time and effort to become the living expression of the wordleader/leadership instead of focusing on my perceived limitations in my mind and then giving up.

Shopping: Guilt and Excitement

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed in an energetic reaction of excitement around the situation of planning, shopping and then purchasing items for my daughter’s home for her shower/wedding gifts. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into guilt and self-judgement because I have spent my money and time ‘frivolously’. I also see my mind goes to spending time and money on what I will wear, what my son and husband will wear on her wedding day. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety about money and having enough money ‘for the future‘, guilt about enjoying shopping for my daughter, anxiety and obsessing about getting her ‘everything she needs’ for her home.

When and as I see myself going into reactions and thought patterns of guilt about shopping for my daughter’s wedding/showers and fear of not enough money/finances in the future I stop and breathe. I remind myself to assess the situation in physical reality and not from the starting point of thought patterns/reactions in my mind. I realize I am enjoying myself within my daughter’s wedding celebrations and preparations. I see I am buying items she needs and a few to decorate her home. Thus I commit to breathawareness with my feet on the ground. I commit myself to the process of staying out of my mind of reactions of excitement and guilt, simply move in the physical to get things done and make decisions of time and financial management with careful consideration.

Finances:  Fear of Money 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in thinking patters from the starting point of fearing money in and around the issue of finances within my marriage. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in pictures and imaginations in my mind, which bring up the reactive energies of: fearanxietyworry, suspicion, greed, spite, paranoiagiving up (extreme thinking), superiority, victimization.

When and as I see myself going into thinking patterns of fear/worry about finances within my marriage I stop and breathe. I remind myself to assess the situation in physical reality , not from the starting point of ‘fearing money’ or from the past as experiences. I realize everything is financially stable now and my partner and I have a enjoyable and stable union. I also realize I have made clear/communicated to him several points I was concerned with in and around this issue and we have come to an mutual agreement. I see that he has always ‘stuck to his word‘, as I have, so far in our relationship. Thus, I commit myself to staying out of my mind of ‘what if‘s’ and focus on what is here in physical reality and how I can continue to contribute financially to our household.

aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjQuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLW5hM3hQUy1zUkdJJTJGVVkzaF94VF9CNkklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUJ2QSUyRnIzcy1YeTJaYnlrJTJGczMyMCUyRmp1c3QlMkJkbyUyQml0LmpwZw==DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

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