Day 293: ‘Taken Away’ What Preoccupies You?

preoccupiedpreoccupied 2Listening to the interviews from Eqafe this last few weeks, has got me to examine/look at exactly what is it that preoccupies me. I can identify 5 major areas/themes that ‘take me away’ from reality and down the rabbit hole of the mind, into a simulated life, versus simply being life here/present with breath each moment. These are: healthfamily, entertainment as in tv series, group participation (Desteni online participation/DIP course) and finances.

Of course, it changes from time to time, depending upon what is going on in my life. Also these main themes can overlap and sometimes there are very specific characters within the theme ie. the paranoid wife within the family character. In this blog series however, I am looking at them in a larger/overall context so that I am more aware within catching the first thought or image that pops up in my mind, thus I am not lost/’caught off guard‘ for several minutes and then suddenly realize ‘holy, I’ve been in my mind for the last 5 minutes!’

In this blog series I will focus on the quantum mind/unconscious mind reactions, asking myself: what is the emotional energy fueling/behind this thought and where does it come from-what memories? And addressing that with self-forgiveness and a corrective application statement, which must be applied in my day to day living to be effective. Please Read:  Practical Desteni

I will start with health, since it has been in the forefront of my life recently.  Note:  I will re-visit writing about this from time to time.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, after finding out my biopsy results were benign, almost immediately, shift from having obsessive thoughts about cancer/death/operations into a  ‘health’ character. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to again rush=panic note: I am in the process of stopping and stabilizing myself when I see this happening.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ‘health’ character and as the health character think about: my niece’s health condition and all the information I want to share with her, future tests/mammograms for myself, to question how the biopsy report is ‘graded’, question why they don’t want to send me the report ?(which is ridiculous as it is about my body-I will continue to insist it be sent to me),which alternative treatments to apply, overloading my body with too many supplements, how expensive it will be to follow a treatment plan.

What is the energy behind these thoughts? Worry/Anxiety and FEAR

They are all coming from the starting point of fear: of loss of control of my body and my life, of the suffering I would have to endure if I were to get ill, of the test/procedures I would have to go through, of the future = fear of the unknown. Please note, I am not suggesting to not care but to replace worry/fear with actual caring and sharing in a practical way-a physical way- through companionship/getting together with others either in person or online/virtual world, investigating information for yourself and if appropriate passing it onto another, purchasing/consuming proper healing supplements and foods, etc. So doing what you can , step by step to move yourself towards your goal and supporting/assisting another as much as possible to do the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come from the starting point of fear, within these thoughts in and around the issue of my current health and how I am walking a treatment plan. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create worry and anxiety putting even more stress and strain on the physical body.

So, why do I get ‘lost’ at times throughout the day within this ‘health’ character? Because of associations/connections the mind consciousness system makes!  It happens so fast, boom boom, one thought after another that you don’t even notice! Like, I have a thought and from that thought a picture pops up in my head…then a memory comes up…..another thought, ‘oh I feel so lousy about that past experience‘…then another thought-‘I was a terrible person’… an emotional reaction of guilt and lethargy comes up…then a thought ‘I ‘m so tired, think i’ll lie down for while’…. and there I go down the rabbit hole, completely preoccupied, completely (or partially) taken away from my day and daily responsibilities, no longer focused on what is actually before me/reality at all!  I am no longer focused on a process of self-realization/growing/changing/expanding or usefulness to others but instead I am thrown back into the past and remaining stuck!

Therefore:

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within mind associations, connecting one thought to another to another…instead of remaining with breath awareness in each moment, thereby catching the first thought and bringing myself back to the physical/reality, I am thus able to move/flow, within a calm stability, throughout my day and able to get through all of my daily responsibilities.

When and as I see myself going into the ‘health character’ within thoughts, imaginations and emotions I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to access only what is here in physical reality and stay out of my mind. I realize jumping into a new character is not productive/supportive to my being and my body whereas moving within physical space/time, facing points one by one is how I get things done, how I change and grow and how I heal, heal my mind/body/being toward a one and equal relationship to all/the physical. Thus, I commit myself to slow down and live breath by breath, aware of myself as a physical being here on earth, grateful and so not wasteful of the time I have here.

When and as I see myself  being controlled by/participating in the emotions of worry, anxiety and fear, in and around the ‘health character’ I stop , I breathe.  I remind myself to bring myself back down to earth, feel my feet firmly on the ground, and out of the mind of energy.  I realize the quantum mind/unconscious mind is going to use whatever it can-in the form of associations to keep me captured in the mind: memories/imaginations/relentless number of thoughts coming at me one after another, creating fear energies-sucking this energy out of me/my body and my being to fuel it’s own existence/keep it alive and indeed in control of me/my life.  Thus, I commit myself to be ever more diligent to not give these emotions and associations ‘life’/to not participate/not strengthen them even more though engaging in them but instead to strengthen me/my beingness/my stand here as life, by remaining with the physical in that moment!

Please Read:   Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer

From Eqafe :   My Life With Cancer

 

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Day 285: Solution to Fear of Exposure

empowermentempowerment 2Please read the previous post for proper context to this blog.

From the previous post :  I am facing a number of points within myself around the issue of being told I need to have a breast biopsy. Interestingly, the point I will face today is about ‘exposure’ meaning I really did not want to share this news with anyone (I did tell my sister and daughter). Unfortunately, I was sent to the wrong clinic, for the required procedure, two days ago which has put me in a more difficult position around my idea of ‘keeping it secret’ as now I have to wait for another appointment and face the stress/build up of the waiting again.

Commitment Statements:

When and as I see myself time looping within thoughts and emotional reactions about telling my husband of this situation I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to access what is here in physical reality and stop participation within my mind. I realize anxiety and stressare not supportive to my mind/body/being and serve no purpose but can be harmful. I also understand I prefer to be quiet within myself and do not want to discuss this with him (at this time) as it will not change anything. After the procedure I will tell him if more treatment is needed and/or I would probably tell him anyway, as he will see physical bruising/possible incision etc. Thus I commit myself to stop all such participation within this decision being a dilemma/back and forth inner chatter in my mind, as I will speak to him about this when and as needed.

When and as I see myself going into fear that I will be seen as less valuable a person/woman/wife/partner if I have breast cancer/pre-cancerous condition and require further treatment I stop, I breathe. I make sure to access the physical, out of my mind and back down to earth, I remind myself where I am and what I am doing in reality. I realize my husband is not my father (believing women are inferior), he loves me and is quite understanding/supportive. I also understand I do not control him/his thoughts and if he has some superiority issues/fear issues, it is for me/my responsibility to understand him instead of judge him or go into fear reactions. I also understand each one here is equal in physical reality as substance, if someone thinks otherwise that is a point for them to face, within walking their own process in their lifetime.

When and as I see myself negatively charging the words exposed and biopsy & reacting with fear/stress to the words exposed and biopsy I stop, I breathe. I remind myself to stop participation in my mind and focus on what is physically before me in my day. I realize having a biopsy is very important and I am grateful such a test/procedure exists to identify early stages of problems in the body and so be able to undergo treatment before the condition manifests into something more serious. I also realize ‘being exposed’ is really a preferable way for all human beings to exist here on earth (using common sense of course, it will take many years for us human beings to reach the point where we can live this way safely and effectively ) so each one is the same within (the mind) and without (how they act/behave in the world), no secrets/secret agendas, as in all is out in the open for all to see. I also realize this is a point I am facing and slowly changing within my life/world so that, it does not matter who knows what–as I see it is myreactions/reacting to another person’s reactions/communications that is what concerns me. Thus I commit myself to slowing myself down, so I am aware of how and when my reactions to others manifest/come up within me and thus can control/direct myself effectively in the moment, in a way that considers all involved/is best for all, which includes the other and myself.

 

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aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjMuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLURwRXBWWmdqU3ZRJTJGVVY1eUh5MlVQeUklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUJpSSUyRlEzYUZxVkV0dExFJTJGczMyMCUyRmJpcnRoaW5nJTJCdG8lMkJsaWZlLmpwZw==DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

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Day 284: Fear of Exposure

fear of exposure 2fear-of-exposure

I am facing a number of points within myself around the issue of being told I need to have a breast biopsy. Interestingly, the point I will face today is about ‘exposure’ meaning I really did not want to share this news with anyone (I did tell my sister and daughter). Unfortunately, I was sent to the wrong clinic, for the required procedure, two days ago which has put me in a more difficult position around my idea of ‘keeping it secret’ as now I have to wait for another appointment and face the stress/build up of the waiting again.

I realize if I cannot face this, within my process of writing and self-forgiveness (Journey to Life Blogging) and share it openly, then I am not providing an opportunity to support and assist another who may have to face/or is facing this same situation in their life, so I am not in fact standing as an example of oneness and equality within my life and living. Within that, I am not growing/changing/expanding but indeed hiding, living with secrets in my secret mind instead of simply facing what is here in reality. This is no longer acceptable to me so I will write about a number of fears that are coming up over the next several posts. I realize it is a little scattered. I will also publish/include my two previously private blogs in a future post, as they definitely supported me in reducing fear/stress while I was waiting for the first biopsy appointment-the one that did not happen lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am reacting in fear and looping within thoughts like: If I tell my husband it will make it more real as he will have so many questions and reactions , then I’ll have to worry about his worry/be taking care of him instead of focusing on remaining calm, then I’ll have to be talking about this situation -stirring up my own reactions- instead of having no thoughts and remaining stable with breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am participating within energetic reactions of fear/paranoia/anxiety within thoughts like: I don’t want to expose myself to my husband because he may see me as less valuable as a wife/partner and this could put myself/my future in jeopardy.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to negatively charge the words ‘biopsy’ and ‘exposure’. Within that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an energetic reaction of fear to the words‘biopsy’ and ‘exposure’.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in imaginations of comparisons in my mind, of people who have experienced this process of testing (or something similar) and then go into the energies of fear/worry/stress with thoughts like: they will think I am weak as it is only a test and could be benign. So many others have it worse/suffer greatly, they will judge me harshly, see me as inappropriate, weak , stupid so it is better to keep this to myself and just do it, that person does not understand, I was right as I shared with someone and they got me all upset, I tried to share with someone who has been through this procedure and got no response at all, I do not know what is ‘right’/correct in this situation, I wish it would just go away… that is why I do not want to share , it just upsets me and others.’

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘I don’t want to tell my husband because it will bug me if he is condescending, I do not want him to see me differently, I do not want him to control me/my life, I do not want to lose control to him, I do not want him to look at me as a burden especially if I earn less money for a time, I do not want him to treat me differently, I do not want him to remind me of this situation all the time, if tell him I will wonder what he is thinking/I will go into imagination and this is the very thing I am trying to change within myself so it is better to not tell him.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘Women are less valuable than men, a woman who is sick is less valuable than a healthy woman’ and to connect this to a memory of my father.

To continue

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Day 273: Changing versus Avoiding part 3

change 4 change 5From Part 1:   Avoid =  A  Void   Dictionary Definition: Void:  without contents; empty useless; ineffectual; vain.devoid; destitute, a gap or opening, as in a wall. a vacancy; vacuum.

So if I am allowing a void to exist in my mind, by avoiding/not facing certain issues, I am essentially saying to my mind, ‘oh, hey, here ya go, I’m not doing anything with this thought so you can take it and run with it’ and so abdicating any responsibility to what comes up in my own mind!

NOTE:  I am writing one forgiveness statement and one commitment statement for each issue here. However,  I have, in previous blogs, written about most of these issues  in detail, as in all of the mind dimensions:  Here are some of them:    Fear of Disease   Worry About Health    Shopping Guilt/Finances   Fear for the Safety of my Children    Insecurity/Inferiority 

Fear of Breast Cancer

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting breast cancer/any cancer/disease and for participating in imaginations of feeling a lump, being in my doctor‘s office, getting tests done, then going into thought patterns which create reactions of anxiety and stress, in and around this issue.

When and as I see myself engaging in fear reactions around getting breast cancer/cancer/disease I stop and breathe. I make sure I assess the situation within physical reality and that I am going for exams/tests when/as the doctor recommends it. I remind myself I no longer allow energies to control my ‘who I am’/within and my day/movement without. I realize that the physical/substance can be trusted to perform in consistency, as in the beating of ones heart. Thus I commit myself to stay with the physical and not the fleeting and inconsistency of energy in the mind.

Fear of Being a Leader

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when looking at the point of becoming a leader/hearing the words leader/leading/leadership, then going into thought patterns and backchat like ‘I am not capable of being a leader/I could never be an effective leader’, having images in my mind of what/who a leader is, specifically a tall, muscular man who is very commanding and ‘frightening’ looking and sounding, having expectations of myself of how/who I should/will be as a leader thus limiting myself, thinking ‘I do not have what it takes to be a leader, I am not smart enough, it is too difficult, I shouldn’t/won’t even try, I will just give up now, it will take to much time and effort to be a leader’. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in self-sabotage and abdicate my responsibility to create/build the patience and perseverance required within myself to support/assist another.

When and as I see myself reacting in fear to being/becoming a leader and interpreting this as a huge burden in my mind, I stop and breathe. I make sure I am assessing what is here in this physical moment as reality and not an image of what/who is a leader, in mymind. I realize these reactions/future projections are self-sabotaging as they can limit me, as I do not know what can open up as I walk my process. Thus, I commit myself to putting in the time and effort to become the living expression of the wordleader/leadership instead of focusing on my perceived limitations in my mind and then giving up.

Shopping: Guilt and Excitement

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed in an energetic reaction of excitement around the situation of planning, shopping and then purchasing items for my daughter’s home for her shower/wedding gifts. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into guilt and self-judgement because I have spent my money and time ‘frivolously’. I also see my mind goes to spending time and money on what I will wear, what my son and husband will wear on her wedding day. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety about money and having enough money ‘for the future‘, guilt about enjoying shopping for my daughter, anxiety and obsessing about getting her ‘everything she needs’ for her home.

When and as I see myself going into reactions and thought patterns of guilt about shopping for my daughter’s wedding/showers and fear of not enough money/finances in the future I stop and breathe. I remind myself to assess the situation in physical reality and not from the starting point of thought patterns/reactions in my mind. I realize I am enjoying myself within my daughter’s wedding celebrations and preparations. I see I am buying items she needs and a few to decorate her home. Thus I commit to breathawareness with my feet on the ground. I commit myself to the process of staying out of my mind of reactions of excitement and guilt, simply move in the physical to get things done and make decisions of time and financial management with careful consideration.

Finances:  Fear of Money 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in thinking patters from the starting point of fearing money in and around the issue of finances within my marriage. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in pictures and imaginations in my mind, which bring up the reactive energies of: fearanxietyworry, suspicion, greed, spite, paranoiagiving up (extreme thinking), superiority, victimization.

When and as I see myself going into thinking patterns of fear/worry about finances within my marriage I stop and breathe. I remind myself to assess the situation in physical reality , not from the starting point of ‘fearing money’ or from the past as experiences. I realize everything is financially stable now and my partner and I have a enjoyable and stable union. I also realize I have made clear/communicated to him several points I was concerned with in and around this issue and we have come to an mutual agreement. I see that he has always ‘stuck to his word‘, as I have, so far in our relationship. Thus, I commit myself to staying out of my mind of ‘what if‘s’ and focus on what is here in physical reality and how I can continue to contribute financially to our household.

aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRjQuYnAuYmxvZ3Nwb3QuY29tJTJGLW5hM3hQUy1zUkdJJTJGVVkzaF94VF9CNkklMkZBQUFBQUFBQUJ2QSUyRnIzcy1YeTJaYnlrJTJGczMyMCUyRmp1c3QlMkJkbyUyQml0LmpwZw==DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support

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Day 272: Changing versus Avoiding part 2

changechange 6

From the previous post:   Avoid =  A  Void

Dictionary Definition: Void:  without contents; empty useless; ineffectual; vain.devoid; destitute, a gap or opening, as in a wall. a vacancy; vacuum.

So if I am allowing a void to exist in my mind, by avoiding/not facing certain issues, I am essentially saying to my mind, ‘oh, hey, here ya go, I’m not doing anything with this thought so you can take it and run with it’ and so abdicating any responsibility to what comes up in my own mind!

NOTE:  I am writing one forgiveness statement and one commitment statement for each issue here. However,  I have, in previous blogs, written about most of these issues  in detail, as in all of the mind dimensions:  Here are some of them:    Fear of Disease   Worry About Health    Shopping Guilt/Finances   Fear for the Safety of my Children    Insecurity/Inferiority 

Fear of Car Accidents

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a reaction of fear that my children and/or myself will be injured/killed in a car accident , specifically my daughter when she is driving up north where the winter conditions are very snowy and icy. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I don’t want to live without them, if they are not alive then I don’t want to be alive’ and then participate in a reaction of fear of being alone/without them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in pictures in my mind /imaginings of my daughter’s car spinning out on the highway (this happened to her last year), her in the hospital, police coming to my door, a funeral, a casketimagining how devastated I would be, thinking that is the worst thing that can happen to a parent/to me, a crushed up car, the moment of impact and the noise it would make like loud crash/screetching/sirens.

When and as I see myself going into thought patternsimaginings and emotions about my children/myself being in a car accident or other fatal incident I stop and breathe. I ask myself ‘what is it that these relationships are giving you that you are not giving/gifting to yourself?’ I remind myself to look at the point from a physical reality perspective and thus direct it in a practical manner, like contact my daughter about road conditions that day, educate them about driving in winter conditions. I realize they are grown adults with common sense, I cannot control others or the weather nor do I want to, worrying does not change the facts, people die and I do not control when. I commit myself to use my time here effectively by doing what I practically can to support/assist my children when it comes to driving and safety and then letting it GO so I can LIVE each moment instead of obsessing about things I cannot change.

Fear of family alcoholism

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate/fall into thought patterns about family alcoholism/my alcoholism, which in turn create emotions/projections/imaginations in and around this issue, mostly fearing my children will become alcoholics because I and several of their relatives experienced alcoholism.

When and as I see myself going into fear that one or both of my children will become alcoholics I stop and breathe. I make sure/remind myself to assess the point in physical reality/space/time and not within projections in my mind. For example, if I observe one of them is creating consequence because of drinking I communicate to them about it by opening up a discussion: asking questions/offer support/make suggestions. I realize they see me and their step-dad walking a daily commitment to not drink alcohol and have witnessed this for the last 10 years, I realize they have much information on this subject and supportive people to talk to if this should happen to them, I realize some young people drink/party alot then greatly reduce the amount they drink as they get older, lastly I can see that my daughter is (at this time) a social drinker-does not drink much at all.

Inferiority/Insecurity with Authority Figures 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into a pattern of ‘needing to be liked’/feeling secure/ ‘good’ when a person, who I see as an authority figure, gives me feedback/responds to me and if they do not respond/’ignore me’ or respond in a way I perceive as ‘negative’, I then go into insecurity and inferiority, then I swing to superiority and gossip in my mind saying all sorts of nasty backchat, about that person and/or the organization in general, to make myself feel better because I feel I do not belong/am not part of the clique/in crowd/do not ‘fit in as usual’- kind of thing.

When and as I see myself participating in the ‘needing to be liked’ character within and around the issue of authority figures in my life I stop and breathe. I remind myself no one can make me feel anything about myself, it is my reactions to whatever is occurring that I am experiencing , and it is my sole responsibility to look within myself and sort out whatever is going on and stabilize myself back to physical reality. I realize flying around in emotions is self-sabotaging behavior, as it disempowers me because I cannotcommunicate self-honestly or see thing clearly-as they are in reality- when I am in paranoia in my mind. I also realize when I am participating in emotional reactions, I cannot assess what is going on in any given moment for real. Thus, I commit myself to stay in the moment with what is physically going on when around authority figures/groups in my life and out of my mind of backchat and harmful emotions.

Inferiority/Insecurity with Peers/Friends/Relatives 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with a desire/need to be liked by another, specifically certain relatives/peers, who I believe/perceive don’t like me/think I am inferior. Within that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to THEN engage in nasty inner conversation about that person and react/experience myself as inferior to that person, going to my ‘safe’ place of in-security. Or I fall into the pattern of beLIEving myself to be superior to another based on my interpretation of another’s action/inaction/ communications.

When and as I see myself becoming/reacting with emotions of inferiority/insecurity in and around ‘needing to be liked’ by others I stop and breathe. I make sure I assess the point from a physical reference and not my own mind of past experiences. I remind myself it simply is not important how another sees/feels about me,  it is not about ‘liking’ or ‘disliking’ another that is important but about respecting all others as one and equal to myself and all , and being there as an example to others as how I live this truth.  I realize I do not control others but I can and am, indeed responsible to control what goes on in my own mind and thus can support /assist another. I also understand I cannot see reality/what the situation really is when I am all caught up in myself/how I am interpreting the situations. Thus, I commit myself to the process of stopping all such reactions to external stimuli from others and start living/directing myself within physical stability and physical reality.

to continue in the next post

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Day 270: Beyond Blame Part 4

no blame 2no blameFor proper context to this blog please read the Part 1 Part 2 and Part 3 :  After listening to the Eqafe Interview:   Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past… what is resonating in the background is direct blame and anger for many years of struggle

When and as I see myself going into thought patterns, which bring up memories and then suppressing emotions of anger related to blaming my ex for my financial and mental struggles after we separated, I stop and breathe. I remind myself I knew on several levels he did not want to be in a committed relationship with me before we were married, that he and I did the best we could/were capable of at that time, that he did not force me to drink or isolate after our marriage I did that myself, he cares about me even to this day and I care about him.  In that, when and as I see myself participating in self-blame, within memories of when I ignored and then suppressed all the warning signs that my ex was not an appropriate partner for me to enter into a marriage with , I stop and breathe. I realize blaming myself is self-sabotaging and does not change the past.  I commit myself to stop all such blame of my ex and myself for the events that followed our marriage break-up.  I commit to focus on what is real in our lives today and deal with issues (regarding our children), as they arise, in a practical and calm manner.

When and as I see myself going into fear of conflict with my ex today and then suppressing thoughts and emotions , I stop and breathe. I remind myself that I am not always going to get the response I desire, as my ex will respond according to his own ideas and ways of doing things. Therefore, I will support myself by-if I see a reaction has come up within me- leaving it and not judging him/having expectations and then reacting in disappointment or- if there is no movement within me = I am stable- I will respond self-honestly using a calm/stable voice, within what is here in the moment, reality to facilitate a solution that is best for all involved. I thus commit to change me.

When and as I see myself participating in the entire playout/scenario: where I go into blaming backchat, then the emotions arise , imaginations where I re-play and change the past so ‘feel better’ about myself OR memories and then the inevitable body stresses that ensue , I stop and breathe. I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical. I make sure I assess whatever is going on in the present as a physical reference, as what is a practical in the moment, and not an energy reaction based on the past or belief about myself or a judgement/opinion of another. I realize/remind myself my ex and I were not equipped with the necessary life tools to communicate effectively when we were married. I also realize I had a need to control him during our marriage (and when we were dating) because of unresolved issues from my childhood, I now understand I could not face my own fears of him rejecting me and so suppressed them, in self-interest not considering what would be best for him/both of us. I no longer allow energies tocontrol my decisions and communications and commit to the process of dealing with life‘s issues self-honestly in the moment, not allowing myself to go into fear and then suppression. Thus, I simply allow myself to continue with my own self-responsibility and delete reactions as I realize that building up blame and anger in the face of repeated patterns only frustrates me.

When and as I see myself creating a consequential outflow of upsetting my children/ex and then stressing relationships in and around this issue, I stop and breathe. I make sure I am staying in the reality of this here moment and not going into the past as memories. I realize I would react the same way if someone was criticizing/attacking one of my parents, they have heard it all before, they are sick and tired of my ‘poor single mom stories/role. I remind myself how important my relationships are, how I want to build trust so I am able to support and assist my children and ex (and they for me) and enjoy their company and not the opposite. Thus, I commit myself to treating my children and my ex as I would want to be treated -with respect as an equal and one being here- and commit to the process of changing me.

 

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Day 269: Blame: It’s All Your Fault 3

blame exblame ex 2For proper context to this blog please read the Part 1 and Part 2 :  After listening to the Eqafe Interview:   Blame, the Hidden Nature I can clearly see how I missed a huge point in regards to someone I blame for my past… what is resonating in the background is direct blame and anger for many years of struggle

Continuing Walking the Corrective Process:

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think, ‘I would have stayed in the marriage, I am loyal, it’s his fault we broke up and everything that happened to me after is his fault.’ 

In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to come from the starting point of blame even today, experiencing myself as a victim and helpless within the blame like, ‘if I stand up to him/speak up he will bully me and I can’t win so I must be silent like my mom was with my dad’ Thus, I hide/suppress whatever it is I wanted to communicate creating a build up of energies in the form of resentment toward him. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of fearing conflict, just as I did as a child with my dad.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in backchat throughout the years we have been divorced and the children have been growing up like, ‘Well, if you had only been a responsible partner/parent we wouldn’t be in this mess/we would have the money to pay for that. I told him that years ago and now here it is so it’s not my problem. If he had only done what I said this would not be an issue today. Oh big surprise, now our children have to deal with this. How could I have married him. I can’t believe I married him, now look at this mess…’ 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in emotional reactions of: superiorityinferiority, self-pity, self-victimization, judgement, guiltfear, and angerresentment in and around this issue.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to go into all sort of imaginings re-playing the past to have me ‘come out ahead’/the victor, specifically imagining standing up to him when we first separated so I would receive enough moneyto purchase a home, standing up to him when he wanted to go to court regarding child custody (that worked out well as we went to counceling/family therapy and worked out an agreement-no court no fighting), standing up to him when he would come home late, leaving him years earlier, leaving him before we were married. In that, I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe I am right and he is wrong, when it does not matter but to work together to solve issues-inphysical reality- is what matters, understanding that we did not have the ability to communicate with each other effectively the years we were together, is what matters. 

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to, from these energy reactions, create stress in the form of tension/tightening the muscles in my back, solar plexes, stomach, neck and face creating pain and aching, causing me to unaware hold my breath and then breathe shallow.

I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to create the consequence of family conflict in the present when an issue/discussion comes up and I voice my blame of my ex, to him or my children, then they react defensively and an argumentensues. A consequential outflow of this is that all of them, my ex and my children they have less trust in me and are less willing /likely to be ok with building intimacy/communicating openly about things to me, as they see me as reactive -so it destroys futureopportunities to support and assist my family.

To Continue

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