Tag Archives: subconscious

Day 46: How Do I Face What I Have Done? Solution: Commitment Statements part 6

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Now that one has got a new starting point/foundation as one has applied self-forgiveness, how do you practically walk/apply this, day to day?  Through the writing and living of commitment statements:

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I have a memory arise within me of when L. would ask what I was drinking, or why I smelt funny, and breathe and not follow these memories further but to stand and gain self-awareness back here in the physical -to what is real and current before me- as I now see /realize/understand it is not by engaging in memories and then emotions and behaviors that things are righted, as I only go into an energetic reaction of guilt that harms me, but it is by directing myself here, and speaking self-honestly in the moment to my daughter that is effective. I realize I have spoken to her several times during my sobriety and made amends and more importantly,  make a daily living amends by being sober and available anytime to/for her.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application whenever I allow myself to get to the point of playing out a scene/memory of when I used to hang out at bars and have superficial encounters with men, be elated while getting ready to go out, treat the men I met in bars as ‘insignificant’ without the starting point of one and equal,  as I now see/realize/understand to continue/follow these memories further will only lead me into the emotions of guilt/blame/regret which is a waste of time/does not change the past is a total replay of a replay of a replay …… as such is useless, as this only uses energy from the emotions to transform substance/physicality into further mind energy which only serves to harm the physical body as it gets slowly eaten away. I realize I was not capable at the time to treat these men with the respect they deserve as life, one and equal to me, and I do not allow myself to participate in such behavior now.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and focus back on physical reality each time I have a memory arise about when I used to drink and then call my parents or others. I commit myself to not engage participate in the emotions that subsequently arise of guilt and shame as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible human being/daughter but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application, to stop myself by being aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret/humiliation of the past when a memory/thought /picture arises,  in my mind, of the time when a relative bought gifts for my children at christmas and I had none for her children.  I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.  Furthermore, I see/realize/understand christmas is bullshit/meaningless and, until we create a world that is best for all in equality, I do not participate in christmas (I will in small way so as to not upset/be a rebel in my family, whom I respect) and I know this person and I are one and equal, in fact, and money does not define us, as money will one day disappear and there will be nothing left but the being to face herself (both me and her-not suggesting I have not been guilty of consumerism, I have).

Day 45: Alcoholism: How Do I Face What I Have Done? part 5

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of L. saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I stank of booze through my pores and was sweaty and shaky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, sitting at the bar smoking thinking about the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, I just used them to feed my ego, I used them physically and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I never remembered them and I would brush them off  because I was hung over and feeling like crap, me me me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to those men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me, on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across as a super friendly/flirty/strong/confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, how pathetic. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being self-honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better/superior or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex- husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a relative, one Christmas, at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage, a husband who is a ‘good’ guy, and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idiot, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face.  She has positioned herself in the world systems so she ‘has it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck, I am a complete loser and she is so together, why did she have to do that and throw it in my face? She is so insensitive.”

Solution: Facing these consequences as memories With Commitment Statements to follow

Day 42: I Can’t Stop Drinking : comittment statements part 2 of Addiction Character

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The first thought is like the first drink!  It’s the one that gets you in ‘trouble’ and leads you down the rabbit hole, therefore it is important to be AWARE.  It’s the first drink that gets you drunk-as you have started the chain of events and the train of thoughts/thought patterns that inevitably lead you to certain reactions (emotions and feelings) and then physical body changes  (ie. tension of muscles) as you become more and more  lost in your mind/possessed by your thoughts.

I commit myself to remain here, in awareness with breath, whenever I think I drank alcoholically for 10 years and this topic is too much/big to possibly ‘get through’ and I now see/realize/understand what is done is done, it is no longer reality and a waste of time to ‘go back’ in time in my mind of thoughts, also I will get through this topic the same way I created my alcohol problem, one breath at a time, therefore I commit to slowing down and take it one word at a time and it will get done, as I remain patient with myself.

I commit myself to, through a daily process of writing/self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop myself whenever I think about how I used alcohol to medicate myself, as I now see/realize/understand it was what I was capable of doing to support myself, at the time, and I did not understand what was happening to me (‘hearing voices’) and I now understand, through DIP (Desteni I Process Course) that it was my own mind speaking to me ( I had accessed my own backchat/inner chatter) but it SEEMED LIKE something/someone else was ‘talking back to me’ in my mind. I know this to be true as I was able to stop the thoughts/control it 100% over time.

*Note: you can read my whole story and watch on youtube , links will be added as the days continue.

I commit myself to support and assist others to understand what I have learned, through participating with Desteni, that there is a ‘cure’ for ‘mental illness‘ and that cure is stopping participation in the mind! If you are currently having trouble with your mind and are on medication -do not stop your medication-enough to know you will be able to in time.

I commit myself to stop myself from participating/engaging in emotions of sadness, regret, anger, fear, jealousy and guilt when remembering/going through all the layers of memory, that I currently exist as- which is embedded into my very physical body from the years I have existed as a mind = participating in thoughts- as I now see/realize/understand this is necessary to release-RE-PROGRAM myself/physical body so I am able to participate in life fully/effectively, as the directive principal of me here and not just an organic robot with thoughts/reactions/pictures in my mind coming up automatically, one leading to another, which makes me exist just as the past-from the starting point of the past-and not here in awareness as life.

I commit myself to stop myself and SLOOOOOOW DOWN, whenever I think alcohol will help me relax, ‘get through’ a social event, help me ‘have more fun’ as I now see/realize/understand I do not require to do/be anything for myself or others, other than just be here-aware and then I am able to really hear them/share with them, instead of being only partially aware of what they are saying because of being half in my secret mind of self-interest-thinking-not listening, ‘what do they think of me/how do I look/will they like me? I don’t like their new hair cut/I wonder how much money they made this year?…’

I commit myself to, through a daily process of writing/self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop all participation in, reactions of emotions of guilt/regret/sadness/fear with regard to engaging in my mind of memories (thought patterns, pictures in the mind, imaginations ie. changing a memory to an ending I prefer, talking in my head-sentences replaying a memory scene) of drinking and driving/selfish drunken behavior during my children’s birthdays/experiences throwing up/chocking/almost drowning/hangovers ie. consequence of the physical abuse to my body as I now See/Realize/Understand if I participate in these memories I am not STANDING IN ABSOLUTE STABILITY HERE, but am lost in the past in my mind! This is no longer acceptable to me and thus I commit to stop, slooooow down, bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical-TO REALITY- to earth and direct myself in awareness using the tools of breath, hearing the sounds that are going on all around me, being aware of my physical body/nature all around me, BEING HERE.

Addiction Blog to Continue.

Day 40: Can You Overcome Your Fear of Death? Commitment Statements

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Again, using these 7 dimensions as a guideline:  Fear, thought, imagination, backchat, reactions, physical and consequence


I commit myself to, whenever I become aware that I am lost in my mind with thoughts of fear of death, stop, breathe, bring myself back to the physical, here, and remind myself when I am busy thinking about death, I am not focused on living/life, which is a total waste of  time, and in this awareness ensure that I do not accept and allow fear of death to influence/control my opportunity that is here in every moment of breath to live/learn how to live.

I commit myself to, when/as a thought manifest in my mind of/as fear of death – as a word: hospital, cancer, process, replacement, bird, grandfather, casket, end, horrible, awful, stiff, dirty, squashed, fake, unnatural OR a single picture/pixel of me in a hospital bed, a dead bird, a car accident, a coffin- to stop and breathe, realising I am Here in this breath in this body that is expressing/moving/functioning, and with me accepting and allowing myself to follow a mere thought, I am missing another breath/moments in which I can practice applying me in stopping participation in the mind and directing myself in the physical, and so apply myself to stop participation in thought, take that breath and remind me that I am already here and utilize that time/breaths effectively for me to stand/learn how to in fact live.

I commit myself to assist and support me, to when/as I find that I am creating a relationship in my mind to imagination-of telling my children I am going to die, being at my own funeral and seeing who is there, going for cancer treatment, ‘failing’ at process (not birthing myself as life in the physcial) , being replaced, a car crashing and me lying dead in the car, being shot, drowning, burning in a fire- instead of being here with and as the physical, to stop and breathe &  to realise that, in and during that process of imagining, all that’s benefitting is the mind/energy, charging up the fear of death character and in that moment direct myself to move into reality, from imagination and continue applying/practicing this as I continue walking my process from the mind to the physical.

I commit myself to, when I find that I’m backchatting about fear of death within my Mind, to see, realise and understand that at this stage/phase of my participation in the Mind I am in the process of validating/defending/justifying a character/personality within me, and so I immediately stop, breathe and have a look at what activated the fear of death, what fear I am in fact facing in that moment, cause what it ‘s showing me is that I immediately went into a ‘fear of death’ reaction, when behind it/within it lies a point that I actually fear losing/giving up cause it will mean change and I don’t want to change, and so I hide behind fear of death instead of being/becoming change and taking responsibility for me. In this I commit myself to face my fear of not seeing/being with my children: to hold them/assist them/enjoy their company, miss seeing the earth in all her beauty of nature, miss the opportunity to support others in process of birthing themselves as life in the physical, give up being noticed ‘liked’ accepted by other destonians and learn to become humble, give up rushing so as to ‘beat’ death, the fear my funeral would not be well attended and that I have not been a ‘good’ person so regret of the past, and to face my feelings of powerlessness/helplessness.

I commit myself to assist and support me to, when/as I go into reactions of emotions and feelings within and as the fear of death character/personality, specifically:  panic, sadness, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, disappointment-as in ‘my death is inevitable’ so powerlessness and then ANGER, rushing to ‘beat’ death and so to take a breath and stop as I see realise and understand that I am in that moment in the movement of the mind as energy MOVING ME instead of me directing myself/my living with and as BREATH, here in and as the reality that is real; and so in this process walk from energy to physicality, walking/practicing this process of being/becoming physical and no more participate in the consequential relationship between the mind of energy to the physical.

I commit myself to assist and support me, when/as I find I’m completely in possession within and as this character, to breathe and to stop, establish/identify the initial starting point of the reaction and walk this character through in finding why/how it is that it took over to such an extent without me being self aware here with the physical, and so in this process practice the walking of me no more accepting/allowing possession to go so far, but become disciplined/directive to stop participation in the mind before the mind takes over to such an extent of taking over the body and so walk my process of as the walking of self forgiveness with the physical, to no more accept/allow the mind to have control, but that I live here and stand here with the physical in walking the process of what it means to in fact live.

I commit myself to assist and support me to stop my fear of death, establish self awareness of me living as I participate in reality, stop the excuse of it being easier to fear death than to learn how to live and face myself, knowing there is no way to hide behind fear of death in my mind to not change/stand up and take responsibility for me,  there is no place to hide from myself, not even in death, and so I will not wait for myself in death to face me or to realise I cannot hide from myself, but commit myself to make the decision to face me here and actually do it.

Day 36: Desteni Character

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the Desteni character. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by/controlled by fear in thinking process will eliminate my fear of death and postpone my physical death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to,  as the Desteni character, think it is ok I do not have much money to travel-see beautiful earth- see my children much, buy things for my children as I will live longer and have the time to do this later. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the Desteni Character, think I have more time here on earth.

In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the Desteni character think I will be vindicated/revenge will be mine as I watch all the ‘mean’ rich people I have known in my life wrinkle up and die while I will not, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as wrong and me as right, in polarity, and live in my head of illusion and fantasy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as  Desteni Sub Characters, become ‘the savior’ and then if my message is not accepted ‘the rebel’, thinking I need to persuade family/friends that Desteni has the answer they have been searching for and equal money is, in fact, the answer to humanities miseries. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the Desteni Character, then think ‘they are just organic robots, as I was not long ago and I should not feel frustrated as they dont’ understand/can’t comprehend as they are mere mortals afterall’, in superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to particpate in backchat as the Desteni character that says ‘you’ve found your answer, no more searching, you found home‘ and then in polarity, ‘I am/will be criticized by Desteni as I do not ‘do enough’/I don’t have time to do enough/ they don’t like me/I wish I did not need them/groups never work out for me so why would this one…’all from the starting point of fear, fear of criticism/rejection which stems from my childhood , which I will be facing specifically in another blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on certain aspects of process more than others and to think certain things are more difficult and so give myself an out, instead of remaining with the physcial before me and moving/doing a task with breath, go into the desteni character who is incompetent/slow/used to postponing/pausing to think/lying in bed contemplating THINKING  about how difficult process is/how much I have to do INSTEAD OF DOING IT.

I commit myself to breath awareness and so to breathe through revenge fantasies of living longer than others, as they arise as I now see/realize/understand this is illusion and based in total self interest and process is about assisting and supporting others as much as myself as creating world in which I/one would want to remain for eternity, out of the ego of the mind of self-interest, and down to earth as equality .

I commit myself to face my fears of age and death within my daily application/process, by using the tools of self-forgiveness and writing, and focus on being HERE in physicality and moving myself for real as I now see /realize/understand following these habitual thought patterns is only harmful and takes me away from my day and the task at hand and in no way serves the moment for myself or others but steals an opportunity to experience life here, instead of living as memories/an organic robot.

I commit myself to breath awareness so as to be aware of the backchat/thought patterns of fear of criticism, when it comes up, as a sub character of the Desteni character, as I now see realize/understand to engage/relate to such thoughts will only repeat the past and to run away/leave participation will result in massive timeloop in process and is repeating the past and not directing myself here.

I commit myself to stop myself when I see I am becoming the desteni character who believes she is slow/cannot do certain tasks/assignments/incompetent and so not focus on areas of process in equality, as I now see/realize/understand it is the mind that is directing me/stopping me, as in memories of past experience telling me that certain things are easy and other hard and to stay away/be afraid, and so I remain in limitation.

I commit to stop all such inner conversation /backchat which is of positive nature, in self-interest to make me feel ‘good/whole/life was worth it’ give me a reason to carry on, as cause, instead of feeling like a failure/life did not work out/I lost the game of life–in polarity, as I now see/realize/understand all such thought patterns -the old negative and the new positive desteni character -lead to a similar place as in if I am lost in my mind of illusion, I am not changing, I am not directing myself and I am not able to effectively support and assist others in their process, if I am the thinker, I am not the doer.

I commit to stopping myself in having/participation in an opinion about the response of others to the Desteni message, by only engaging if someone asks and is sincerely interested in self-corrective action and the equal money systemIn that , I commit to stopping myself to think in polarities, engage in polarity thing of right/wrong, superior/inferior and to focus on my process here in the physical and the task at hand. Support and assist self first and then eventually others.

Day 15: Walking Responsibility for Blame and Suppression 2

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Today I continue walking the point of facing and taking full responsibility for, the blame I have placed on others,  specifically here, in regards to memories around the ski chalet my children went up to as they were growing up and my ex`s family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or be aware of the backchat/internal conversation,  thoughts, feelings and emotions, that pop up in my mind,  that go unnoticed by me, as I go about my day.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been suppressing reactions of memories and people that validate/justify my blame.

Memory: Christmas At the Chalet

Suppression of reaction of memory & people:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hate those fucking hypocrites  (ex,his parents, his brother and wife) for saying over and over again,you are part of our family now, we love you and putting up with all their extravagance, wealth in my face they have tons of money so why don`t they offer to help me and the kids, I have no money to buy them presents and then they get whisked off to the fucking chalet to wonder santa land and look so great. How sick to dump me like garbage , no longer part of the family `cause their son/ brother couldn’t be a responsible husband and parent. I hate them for that, how low and deceptive, I wonder when they’ll deceive L and my son. I dont’ trust them. Oh, yeah, they did deceive them already twice, just like with me , they say oh we love you you`re one of us then turn around and betray you ALL BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY AND WE DON`T . They gave the million dollar chalet to the brother and other grandchild and not them, then had the nerve to let the other grandchild stick her snotty nose in the air at them and say, ‘you’re not helping out enough’ and much more than I can type here, the way she treated them, I did warn L. and my son they were like this, how they deserted me when their son/brother abandoned/left me when the kids were 1 and 3 (lost all our money first).  They could have assisted me and the kids greatly by just saying here is 100 or 200,000, this is not alot of money to them. We know our son left you penniless and we said we love you and you are still one of the family, we told you to call us mom and dad and we still love you so we are giving this to you to help you! That would have changed our lives dramatically! NO, FAMILY LOYALTY and MONEY is the fucking real god real love here.I swear it nearly killed me. In a new, equal money, society people/parents will not be dumped and ignored and treated the same, consistantly and not denied what they need to provide for themselves and their children, just because of divorce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think what a fool I was to think I knew what my future was, christmas’s at the chalet with my children, skiing with them over the school break, partying with friends, more security as we grew older. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and be directed by guilt in thinking I should have stayed in the marriage because my ex-husband is too irresponsible to protect our children from getting ‘ripped off’/he is not capable of looking out for their best interest (his brother and sister-in-law are both very suave business people and ex-husband is more naive/trusting)  and because I wasn’t around to be the responsible one, he lost the opportunity to inherit/be given the chalet and my kids lost a place to go to ski when they were young adults and the substantial money it represents with ownership.

 they did wrong to me, and therefore I am right to blame:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think my ex/his parents/his brother and sister-in-law were wrong/in the wrong for taking the kids every winter weekend and over the christmas break all the years my children were growing up and giving them lots of gifts when I could not afford to do the same, for not financially assisting me more when they could clearly afford it , for giving the chalet to the other son and his family, for basically rejecting me as a family member because of divorce.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore blame them, and think that I am right to blame them, for my being a single parent for almost all of the years L and my son were growing up, blame them for the stress building , as I had no money and very little financial or emotional support from anyone, and then blame them for going crazy (insane) and then, subsequently, blame them for becoming an alcoholic and facing years of basic poverty .

I realize my ex did pay decent child support most of the years the kids were growing up, his family helped a little financially (with loans only, I still owe them), my ex-mother-in-law did invite me up north eventually and apologize and said to still call her mom. I realize I could have gotten a better paying job, ‘believed’ in myself and stood on my own two feet instead of playing the ‘poor single mother’ role. I realize I was mentally unstable and lacked any true self-esteem and fell into listening to my mind and trying to be a singer/songwriter. I realize I still managed to give my children much love and kindness and appropriate firmness as a responsible parent on my own. I realize I did manage somewhat to make ends meet and my ex’s parents helped with (along with my parents) a down payment so I could buy a home for the kids, as they could see I was the more stable consistent parent , not their son so it was best for their grandchildren. I realize they do love the children and have given them much kindness over the years.  I realize my dream of being successful songwriter was not reality (takes money to promote music and more talent/skill than I had but it was ‘fun’ and this was selfish /based in self-interest as ego as giving me an identity and  dreams of money/fame/love/praise from others, what I could not give myself. I realize I made those choices not other people, I chose to stay home (made money from home) and not go out and if I had I may have met someone to marry and built a life that way, that would have would have created financial stability for me and the kids. I realize I chose to not get medical help (for fear of losing custody of my children and shame/used to hiding and secrets) when I went insane , and I chose to use alcohol to medicate myself. They did not go to the liquor store and open the bottle and pour it down my throat all those hundreds of days that I took that inevitable walk/drive. It was my doing and my responsibility for my life, no one else’s.

I commit myself to the decision to live my life in complete here awareness with each breath and to  stop all such thoughts as backchat/internal conversations of blame/seeing myself as a helpless victim/polarity thinking of right and wrong that I have been unaware of , the moment it arises, until it is done/no longer exists within and as me, within my physical human body and my mind.

I commit myself to breathe through the first thought and not follow the train of thoughts that ensue and/or to stop the thought when it arises, to say aloud ‘stop’ and focus on breath to remain in my body and aware of all that is going on within me. I commit to remind myself I did not/could not use my voice as I am able to today and speak self-honestly and could not move myself as the directive and responsible principal of life, as I am starting to now, so could not properly assess my situation/environment or figure out employment or get help for the mental problems I was experiencing, adequately. I remind myself my ex, his mom and sister-in-law were/are also in their own process of self and I cannot blame or change them but can stand as a living example today, of what it is to live the principals of ‘best for all life‘.

I commit myself, through writing , self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to no longer accept and allow myself to blame others as in being directed/influenced by the emotional energy of anger/jealousy/hatred/fear towards another instead of facing what is inside of myself.  I realize my ex, his mom and sister-in-law did the best they could at the time within their understanding of themselves/life/love and blaming does not in fact change the past but in fact harms me, L. , my son, my x and his family. I realize I am completely responsible for what goes on inside of me, what happens in my  life and that I am one and equal to my ex-mother/father-in-law, my ex-husband and my ex-brother/sister-in-law as life, here on earth. I also realize and remind myself there was lots of good times together and kindness shared.

I commit myself, through writing , self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to no longer accept and allow myself to use any outside substance (food/drug) to avoid my life/me and commit to face my fears/emotions and walk through them, as they arise. in the moment, and face my fear of rejection/loss as what others will think of me as I only control/direct myself and do not need to judge/control others.

I commit myself to express myself in a way that is best for all life, as I become the living word and to do all I am able to, to implement an equal money system on earth, and to work toward this goal, breath by breath, until it is done.

Day 14: Taking Responsibility for Blame and Suppression 1

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Today I am walking the point of facing, hence taking responsibility for, the blame I have placed on others, firstly in the blog I did yesterday, about the ski chalet my children went up to as they were growing up. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or be aware of the backchat/internal conversation,  thoughts that pop up in my mind,  go unnoticed by me as I go about my day.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been suppressing reactions of memories and people that validate/justify my blame.

Firstly, about this memory:

Walking in the beautiful valley at the ski chalet when pregnant with L. and thoughts about my ex-husband and his family.

Suppression of reaction of memory & people:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have/hold the following thought pattern, as  suppression of reactions concerning the above memory of my ex-husband, within and as me:  fucking X, asshole, he left me anyway and I stayed skinny and beautiful like his stupid spoiled mother, he dumped me , cause he couldn’t handle a little normalcy, having kids, too boring, he couldn’t fucking do the right thing, he destroyed our beautiful little family, he had to go out whoring around first, gave me a fucking social disease, went to prostitutes, had affairs and then humiliated me in front of family and friends and dumped me for his ex-wife and it did not even last. fuck I hate that fucking asshole. he is still an asshole. I can’t believe I chose him as a life mate. what the fuck was I thinking? and as a father to my children. oh god, then before he left he lost all our money on the stock market so I was left penniless! What a dick , he left us, our beautiful children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have/hold the following thought pattern, as suppression of reactions of the above memory, concerning my ex mother-in-law, within and as me:  I hate that she has all that fucking money in front of my face and I do not have any (or very little). She doesn’t deserve it any more than I do. she just married the fucking right guy and I didn’t , I shouldn’t have married her son. All the plentiful/bounty in the kitchen, such easy just jump in her mercedes and buy it  while the majority of the world is in human chains  . How stupid and spoiled she is to not realize what pressure and stress it puts on us to come up to her precious chalet castle. I hate this fucking situation. We can’t afford to contribute groceries the way they all like to eat plus gas plus food plus all the alcohol plus we have the kids.  X  kept losing jobs, absolutely no stability, he bought into your stupid dream and I bought into his but it is not /did not work for us. They have so much money and its in our face and we have none. We hoped and dreamed but it did not work out and she is still rich , every day since then she never even worries about paying one fucking bill. She doesn’t even know what that is like. She repeats these stupid stories of their early ‘hardship’ oh yeah, right and I listened respectfully for fucking years, 13 years! We spent at least half of the weekends with them and those people with money always just give you a little/just enough so they get your company and the promise of inheritance-if it were me /my kids I’d give them something substantial/real help like buy a house outright and say ‘there that is your inheritance’-that would have really helped in a practical way. Then when we separated she treated me like crap , like she did not know me on one occasion, many months later(a year or two later?) apologizes like oh its all better now. I just went fucking insane and then became a drunk while you take them every fucking weekend for skiing/snowboarding and fun time, I work/shop/cloth/feed/do laundry/love/care all week and then when there is some down time you fucking whisk (X did ) them away . why can /could you do that ? because you had/have money . period. I was so fucked up I needed the mental and physical break and they knew that and did not care about me one bit. what a fucking lie their ‘love’ was. I nearly died and that is no exaggeration. What happened to all the ‘call me mom, I love you dear’ over and over bullshit, I mean zero when her son dumped me. fuck you bitch. spoiled ignorant but oh such a good bridge player -that takes alot of intelligence you know-and tennis player and has big tits so her husband didn’t dump her. She’s just a spoiled rich lady, she has no idea what I went through or what I go through now

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have/hold the following thought pattern,  as suppression of reactions of the above memory, concerning my ex sister-in-law, within and as me: oh god, the precious liquid gold (bailey’s irish cream), absolutely despised being in that situation weekend after weekend, we could never afford to replace the damn booze. fucking stupid, ridiculous pressure to keep up , it was fucking impossibe, oh its ok we don’t mind and then she said some snotty thing abut us not contributing, fuck you I don’t care about you or your expensive booze, who the fuck cares ? god it was so humiliating. I blame myself for not resisting the deliciousness of it, then not forcing myself to spend the money to buy it more often/appropriately/ take my turn, we definatly could not afford it but I did drink it so …crappy situation all around. horrible predicament and she is to insensitive to realize our financial position or care. I would have stayed home but X insisted we go, fucking sucked all ’round.

they did wrong to me, and therefore I am right to blame:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think X was wrong/in the wrong for being unfaithful, not holding a steady job/bring in steady income, losing our money on the stock market, being verbally abusive, and breaking up our family unit. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore blame him and think that I am right to blame him for my being a single parent for almost all of the years L was growing up, blame him for the stress building , as I had no money and very little financial or emotional support from him or others, and then blame him for going crazy (insane) and then, subsequently, blame him for becoming an alcoholic and facing years of basic poverty .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think my ex-mother-in-law was wrong/in the wrong for being insensitive to her wealth being in my face all those years, bringing up a spoiled ‘entitled’ son, then giving the chalet to the brother (so not to my ex and them to my children) and treating me poorly when my marriage ended and not assisting me financially, in a substantial way that would have practically had a huge impact on my and L. and my son. (she is /was very wealthy/when I asked they have given me small loans and once a part of a down payment for a home, that my ex. paid back to them years later ). In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore blame her and think that  I am right to blame her for my being a single parent for almost all of the years L was growing up, blame her for the stress building , as I had no money and very little financial or emotional support from her or others, and then blame her going crazy (insane) and then blame her for, subsequently, becoming an alcoholic and facing years of basic poverty .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think my ex-sister-in-law was wrong/in the wrong for being insensitive to my financial situation in not being able to afford to bring up expensive booze or fancy meals to the chalet and criticize me for it . In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore blame her and think that  I am right to blame her, blame her for the stress building , as I had no money and very little financial or emotional support from her or others, and then blame her going crazy (insane) and then blame her for, subsequently, becoming an alcoholic and facing years of basic poverty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize at the time of these incidences that it is ok to speak up in self-honesty, using common sense of course, and I can trust myself to use my voice in a way that is best for all. And therefore I would not have had to carry around the past as blame-carry that energy experience from the past into the present and it shapes the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refer to x family as evil. I realize they are not evil but it is the accepted money system and their actions that were evil. I remind myself  I too was a staunch believer in capitalism and accumulating wealth ( not that I ever did , lol) not so long ago . Furthermore, I remind myself we are indeed all one and equal here, on earth and equally guilty for the atrocities that are occurring and equally responsible to clean it up. I remind myself my daughter loves her relatives and they are all in their processes and usually treat her well.

I commit myself to the decision to live my life in complete here awareness with each breath and to  stop all such thoughts as backchat/internal conversations of blame/seeing myself as a helpless victim/polarity thinking of right and wrong that I have been unaware of , the moment it arises, until it is done/no longer exists within and as me, within my physical human body and my mind.

I commit myself to living in breath by breath awareness so as not let any mind chatter go unnoticed. In that, when it arises, I commit to breathe through the first thought and not follow the train of thoughts that ensue and/or to stop the thought when it arises, to say aloud ‘stop’ and focus on breath to remain in my body and aware of all that is going on within me. I commit to remind myself I did not /could not use my voice as I am able to today and speak self-honestly and could not move myself as the directive and responsible principal of life as I am starting to now so could not remove myself  from the situation/environment or figure out employment adequately. I remind myself my ex, his mom and sister-in-law were/are also in their own process of self and I cannot blame or change them but can stand as a living  example of what it is to live the principals of ‘best for all life‘.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to blame others/be directed by/influenced by the emotional energy of blame inside of myself.  I realize my ex, his mom and sister-in-law did the best they could at the time within their understanding of themselves/life/love and blaming does not in fact change the past but in fact harms me, L. , my son, my x and his family. I realize I am completely responsible for what goes on inside of me, what happens in my  life and that I am one and equal to my ex-mother-in-law, my ex-husband and my ex-sister-in-law as life here on earth. I also realize and remind myself there was lots of good times together and kindness shared.

I commit myself to speak up as life, one and equal, (using discernment and common sense) in self-trust and self-honesty, in the moment and face my fear of rejection/loss as what others will think of me as I only control/direct myself and do not need to judge/control others.  I commit myself to express myself in a way that is best for all life, as I become the living word and to do all I am able to, to implement an equal money system on earth, and to work toward this goal, breath by breath, until it is done.