Day 44: Commitment Statements : No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction Character part 4

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as the self-directive force of me, here, in each moment of breath. Breaking the chains!

I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in the first thought, as a memory of my years of drinking alcoholically, specifically to prominent memories in which deep sorrow and regret are attached, when I realized something was seriously wrong with me and used alcohol to help medicate myself, as I now see realize and understand, I DID get through it and it has turned into a good thing as I now have an understanding of myself as one and equal to all that exist and I no longer live in separation from the rest of life here, so I bring myself out of my mind of thought and emotion and commit to standing , here in solidity, stable with my breath, no longer a victim of alcohol or my mind.

I commit myself to stop myself, through self-forgiveness, writing and a daily self-corrective application, from existing as the past/from the starting point of the past in thinking about how I hurt my children through my drinking-questioning it-mulling it over and over in my mind letting it possess/control my day and each moment, as I now see/realize/understand this does not change the past, what is done is done, and I can now only direct myself here in responsibility to my children, myself and all of humanity, the animal kingdom and nature by standing back up each time I fall, facing myself as fear, the fear I have carried with me as memories of the character of ‘the alcoholic Mom’, fear of the consequences, each time I face this character and refuse to participate in the subsequent thoughts/emotions/feelings, I remove a layer of the memories I have built up over many years, until she will exist no longer.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a memory come up of apologizing to my children for being drunk and the deep regret it brought with it, as I now see/realize/understand I was not capable at the time to change myself but I am now living a daily amends of being sober and participating with Desteni, to not only be a responsible parent but to bring about a world that is best for all in equality and standing as a living example of that.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of writing, self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application be aware of thoughts/feelings/emotions that arise within and as me of regret of the past and believing the past has a hold of myself and/or my son because of my drinking, as I now see/realize/understand we are both here and not the prisoners of the past, as he is doing well in University and holds a job, I am here for him and he knows this, as well, I realize it is a waste of time to hold these memories within and as me, as I can support and assist him and myself more effectively by being here and not lost in my mind of regret.

I commit myself to moment to moment self-awareness so that when memories arise within my consciousness, to take me away from my current reality here,  of drinking and driving and of  P.’s birthday party in the ravine, I stop, I breathe and say ‘NO’ not participating and bring myself back to the physical, I touch my physical body and hear/focus on the sounds surrounding me within my day, as I now see/realize/understand to fall back into my mind means I cannot effectively direct myself within this here moment, I refuse to be an organic robot existing only as the past/starting point of the past, and I carry on with the task at hand.

Day 43: No One Likes A Drunk Mom: Addiction character part 3

Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as self-directive force here, in each moment of breath. Break the chains!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will L  and P. do without me?…  Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll quit tomorrow.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotion of guilt and self-pity and self-hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done?  How have I harmed my children?’, when it is a waste of time and knowing my children now see me sober, within first AA (alcoholics anonymous) and now within Desteni, a living, breathing, daily, amends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her -once again- how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’ and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this, the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt L. and I was supposed to be her protector.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of P. sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor P. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is slow (within the world systems of school/work) now. He sits in front of his computer for hours at a time. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  having a picture in my mind of P’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back, because I had blacked out, and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bringing up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love P.. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and L. taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. She asked what it was and I said something like ‘It is a special drink for adults. Don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt, shame, regret bringing up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’ Subsequently, I forgive myself for the following behavioral changes in my physical body as I type this:  the muscles in my mid back and chest tightened , my jaw tight and clenched and my breath becoming short and erratic.

Commitment statements to follow.

Day 39: Can You Overcome The Fear of DEATH ?

In this blog I will face my fear of death, write it out, the essential first step in overcoming ones fear!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the manifestation of fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto childhood memories as  and within me of one, seeing a dead bird and subsequently finding out that I can and will die and then lying in my bed thinking/contemplating this and being very sad/disappointed/angry/frightened/confused by this new concept that one day I will end and I have no control over this and two, not wanting to look at my grandfather in a casket and being frightened by this and my mother  telling me it was ok and taking me by the hand to look at him and thinking it was not ok , it was awful. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect pictures of the bird and my grandfather to death and the words:  bad, wrong, scarey, over, casket, end, heaven, hell, horrible, awful, stiff, dirty, squashed, fake, unnatural to fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘Oh god, I hope I don’t get cancer.’ In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to participate in the first thought as a picture of me lying a hospital bed, just skin and bones left of me near death, or in a doctors office sitting opposite the doctor who is telling me I am terminally ill with cancer. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship to death-AS FEAR- by simply adopting what I heard from others/saw in movies/read in books or magazines instead of  standing with self/living as me here, in oneness and equality as the breath of life, moment by moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lost in my own mind of moving pictures/imaginations of going for cancer treatment, being in a doctors office, lying on my death bed, telling my children I’m going to die, my funeral with a vase (my ashes)  and people there and sometimes me there as some ghost at the side seeing what is going on lol, being in a car crash, burning in a fire, drowning, being shot my terrorists or a gang INSTEAD of allowing myself to be here, with what is real in this moment, as an expression of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate/engage in the following backchat/inner chatter which is all controlled by/initiated by the fear existent within/as me: ‘No please god, I can’t die yet, there’s still so much to do in this life, I’m useful, don’t kill ME…I wonder how many people/who with be at my funeral?…  I’ve lost too many friends my funeral will be embarrassing… I can’t die, I never saw my beautiful earth, I can’t die before equal money is here…I’ll do anything to not die please god, I’m not ready, not yet…my kids have to do process! I can’t die! I have so much left undone…NO I won’t die, there is a way to stop/change this…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of extreme fear, specifically the emotions of: panic, sadness, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, disappointment-as in ‘my death is inevitable’ so powerlessness and then ANGER all stemming from thoughts of death, which is ridiculous as I am just here as life, breathing!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then have the following behavioral changes in my physical body brought on from engaging in the above emotions of fear of death: shoulders slouched forward, jaw tight and clenched, lower back pain – like in fear of death one’s ‘courage’ is ‘threatened’ hence the jaw clenching, shoulders indicating trying to protect self and lower back – fear energy taking one’s power away, pain in spine – spine the filing of one’s life – like, facing that moment of death is facing your entire life/self.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my very life, like I will no longer exist and being directed by fear and ego in thinking how terrible that is,  like that should not be allow for God’s sake! In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘I will lose my relationship with my children, how will they get along without me, I will being with them, laughing with them, hugging them , loving them…they need me damn it, that can’t happen! And I will miss my husband and physical intimacy. Shit, I totally fucked up this life, owe family members (and some ex-family members)  money, I never got to see so many places, do so many things, enjoy nature more, I don’t want to die, what will I face, nothing, what the hell is nothing anyway? Where will I be , where will I go, what will it be like? What is the point of life if you just end? I wish I could apologize to so many people I was rude to /inappropriate with/ignored/bullied/cut off communication with/ brushed aside/did not help when I could have/said the wrong thing/did the wrong thing. Fuck, I can’t go back, it’s too late when you die. It’s over. I was a screw up. What a dumb life.’

Commitment Statements To Follow.

Day 38: I Work Hard for My Money SO YOU CANT TAKE IT Commitment Statements

ARTWORK by Leon Perry

Please read Day 37 of this blog for context.

There is much fear around the idea, even mention of, an equal money system in this world, for myself and others. Today I will commit to stopping the fears of the mind, around living in an equal money world.

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever the thought arises that I do not want to give up all my possessions/money and walk with the rest of humanity in equality, as I now see/realize/understand I have been existing in/as fear, in separation from myself and everyone else, and I am in fact not separate from the rest of humanity,but one and equal as substance/the earth/the physical, as the air we all breathe in and out in each moment here.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, stop myself from being directed by/influenced by fear of loss around living within an equal money system, by being aware of the  first thought as in ; poverty, alone, picture of someone living on the street, as I now see realize understand I cannot effectively direct myself when I am lost in my mind of fear as energy.

I commit myself to stopping all such inner chatter/inner conversation in my mind-participating/following it /becoming possessed by it-around living within an equal money system, as I now see/realize/understand if I allow this, I am allowing the mind as thoughts to boss me around /control me and not me living as the directive principal/force in my life, and I am reduced to but an organic robot of little use to myself or anyone else in my world and cannot contribute in a meaningful/lasting/practical way  –doing things/fixing things/cleaning things/bettering things to build a world that is best for all. Lets get going, lets clean up earth!

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, be aware of and stop all such imaginings/images within my mind of homelessness and poverty and to connect this to the implementation of an equal money system as I now see/realize/understand equal money is the opposite of this, as it will relieve all of the  horrible existence  of poverty and I am separating myself form all of humanity/nature/animal kingdom when I am using my mind in self-interest and really saying/proclaiming, ‘Well, I have all I need, I absolutely do not want to suffer but it is ok if others do.’  This is no longer acceptable to me.

I commit myself to stop myself being directed by fear, which results in the energy experiences of anxiety/anger/self-pity and harms my human physical body as I now see/realize/understand to do so is useless, a waste of time, delusional and stems from a starting point of greed as I am just here, with breath, with all I need as life and I commit to bring myself out of my mind and back down to earth, to reality and focus on the task at hand, as whatever is before me in the physical.

I commit myself to stopping all thoughts that it will be too late for me, as I am too old and it will take too long to arrive, for me to enjoy an equal money world, as I now see/realize/understand these thoughts are in self-interest and whether that is true or not does not change the fact that equal money is the solution, for the start, of creating heaven on earth for all and there is nothing else I see as worthwhile to contribute to while I am alive on this planet.

I commit myself to, through breath awareness, stopping all behavioral changes in my physical body, brought about through my own created fear, of tightening of my jaw, shallow breathing, tightening of my chest muscles into my back, and neck, pressure in my head and stiffness/immobility/statue-like behavior when thinking about equal money, as I now see/realize/understand to refuse to participate  strengthens my stand in the decision of who I am and what I do by NOT allowing the mind to manipulate me with energy. In that, I commit to face the FEAR of giving up my secret want/need/desires of self-interest and to stand up/take responsibility to act as the directive force of me/my life and thus as/for what it best for all life.

I commit myself, as another, to stop ignoring the suffering of others through endless justifications of; I worked hard for my money,  as this is ridiculous as many poor people work their asses off each day, for many more than 8 hours, for pennies, or justifications of education, accusing others of laziness, blaming another for their decisions as if they had the same opportunities/starting point in life, blaming another for their decisions that led to addiction, prostitution, a life of crime, begging on the street, AND/OR suggesting one just needs to look after their own family only, excuses of equal money being communism, you can’t change human nature, needing luxuries because I worked hard for them/need them to define-express myself/I deserve them, poverty is just a fact of life that cannot be changed, its my business and I’m not harming anyone and many more, as I now see/realize/understand we are in fact one family here, one organism that is required to co-operate/co-exist if we are to survive as a species and it is all of humanities responsibility to care equally for all life on earth and not just some in specialness/selectively but in absoluteness as life together and no longer in/as separation through engaging in the mind.

In that , I commit myself to continue my DIP (Desteni I Process Course) so I may be in a position to support and assist others, to free themselves from the mind of self-interest and work toward establishing heaven on earth through, firstly establishing an equal platform and dignified life for all, though EQUAL MONEY.

Day 37: I work hard for my money SO YOU CAN’T TAKE IT

There is much fear around the idea, even mention of, an equal money system in this world, for myself and others. Today I will look at these fears and face them to break it down to the reality of what I am in and out and not just illusion/delusion of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I don’t want to give up all my money, my possessions for the implementation of an equal money system.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and thus engage in inner chatter/internal conversation thinking the following thought pattern, ‘I’ll be poor, helpless, screw that, I”m going to protect myself, I’m not going hungry, cold, without a home. I want to help others but I learned that lesson already, being ‘nice’ and then taken advantage of and I’m afraid this equal money idea won’t work and I’ll be left alone and once again stupid in trusting others and not myself.’

Furthermore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat/internal conversation that is suspicious and vicious in nature, ‘They will lie to me, they don’t care about me, others won’t give up there money and especially the ones who have a lot so why should I? Everything will break down so there will be no internet/communication  and I’ll be isolated and helpless and no on will  take care of me so I better protect myself,  I’ve suffered enough, I’ve tried to be a good person, let the others give their money, I don’t have enough.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have images and imaginations in my mind of me being homeless, on the street at night, cold, desolate, unsafe, vulnerable if I agree to an equal money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to going into an energetic reaction self-pity, anger, anxiety, all building into fear, fear of loss of my money and possessions and of the hope that one day I’ll ‘make it’ suddenly become rich, filthy rich, through a lottery win/marriage/inheritance, so fear of losing that chance no matter how slim it is , if I agree to give up my money for the good of all in equality. In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate/connect this to memories of past financial loss and to memories of a time in my life wrought with jealously/wanting/desiring more of the goodies/spoils I feel I have ‘missed out on’ in this life; the freedom financial wealth brings to ones life to purchase luxury items such as; clothes, jewelery, decorate your home, own a cottage on a lake, take vacations abroad, buy a $400 purse, those cool new shoes all the other girls are wearing, gifts for my children, eat out and spend what I fancy, the luxury of not having to check what the price tag says, indulge in expensive hobbies like songwriting and recording, owing a boat/sea-doo, bike trips to Europe, buy the latest fashions each season, drive a sports car. All this in absolute self-interest, not caring a whit about my responsibility to/as the rest of humanity/nature/the animal kingdom but lost in a bubble of self-delusion and greed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking, ‘By the time equal money is stabilized I’ll be old and die and won’t get to enjoy it anyway, it’ll be too late for me and once again I am left out of the fun’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the following behavioral changes in my physical body of:  tightening of my jaw, shallow breathing, tightening of my chest muscles into my back, and neck, pressure in my head when I think about giving up my money for the good of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subject myself to the consequences of becoming so stiff with fear that I am like a statute;  unmoving, petrified and I do nothing, can do nothing because I have entered a timeloop of ‘being stuck’ so cannot flow/move/and thus be part of a change/growth as one and equal with all of humanity/the animal kingdom/nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself , as another, to think, ‘I deserve everything I have, I worked hard, went to school, others have not, that is their own fault and their responsibility , not mine, I take care of myself and my family, it’s impossible to change human nature, equal money is communism and history has proven it does not work.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as another, think, ‘ No one is going to tell me I can’t have my boat and trips to the coast each year and give my children the best I can, I grew up poor and worked my ass off to be able to afford these luxuries.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as another think, ‘I’m not giving up my individuality. My style as in clothing/fashion, hair, make-up, interior decorating, the shops I like, the restaurant I like MY LIFESTYLE defines who I am and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise. It is no ones business how I live/what I do. I’m not harming anyone so leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone. Poverty has always been part of human existence and nothing can change that.’

Commitment Statements to Follow

Day 35: Some Realizations:Comittment Statements

I commit myself to, through writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to stop myself when I see I am becoming the manifestation of WORRY as I now see/realize/understand I must remain here, in physical reality, in order to become an effective participant in this world and not lost in the illusion of thought, in order to MOVE to create -for real- what it is I am wasting time worrying about.

I commit myself to be aware of this anxiety ridden/worry character, and to eradicate it from existence, as it pops up in my mind, as the first word/picture. In that,  I commit myself to be aware of and stop all inner chatter (talking inside ones head) this character brings up as I now see/realize/understand I must  walk through the fear of actual work to be faced/steps to be walked in physical real time, which is breath by breath and worrying does nothing but make me postpone and feel physically drained/tired and achy.

In that, I commit myself to stay fully aware of each moment with/as the breath of life and so to STOP myself,  saying stop out loud (or if I am in a public place I whisper quietly)  when/as thoughts of worry/stress/anxiety arise, as I now see realize/understand I am physical and I am living in a physical reality, earth, and I am unable to effectively direct myself when I am pre-occupied in my mind with thoughts/pictures/memories/reactions/emotions/opinions. I realize I am also unable to truly hear/be there for the person I am engaging with, if I am in my own mind of illusion and not here with them. And so I commit to using breath, as in breathe through the thoughts/backchat, and not allowing myself to become possessed by them and take me away from my point that I am currently facing in my day, that is before me in the physical.

I commit myself to trusting breath, moment to moment and no longer trusting my thoughts, as if they are me here and so directing me in full awareness, as I now see /realize/understand it has never been me directing myself but various personalities-robotic responses all based on the past as experiences- I have made up/chained myself into being from one moment to the next- one thought as another link added on- at a time, throughout my life. Living from the starting point of /as fear, fear of loss, a life based on survival of the fittest, competition, greed and jealousy, wanting to be effective and making a difference in the world but chained, by my agreed participation in/with the mind, to the past, as me.

In that , I commit myself to be aware of and stop all thoughts of fear as they arise, and to say NO , NOT PARTICIPATING, when fear then insists I join in/follow along with the massive spewing of memories/emotions/pictures/imaginations-changing the endings of memories-revenge/painful physical reactions as my muscles tighten as I now see/realize/understand to refuse to participate in these emotions & physical reactions strengthens my stand in the decision of who I am and what I do by NOT allowing the mind to manipulate me with energy, and thus using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness I assist and support myself with energy layer releases each time I remain here and say no to the mind.

I commit myself to, through a daily application of principled living, to stop myself whenever I become aware of  the negative inner conversation/backchat I participate in, telling me I am less competent than others/cannot contribute to another beings process as well as others/I should run away/give up/back off/stay in the sidelines/shadows because to try will result in rejection and failure as I now see/realize/understand it is perfectly acceptable to participate and to fall and get back up over and over as I learn/grow/expand..get to know who I am as life-as I am in the process of birthing myself as life in the physical and it is indeed a process-and the only failure would be to NOT participate/contribute to my own growth and any other beings I am able to assist/support.

Day 34: Some Realizations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to not realize, I have become the worrier.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself when the first thought arises, as a single picture or word in my mind, opening up a whole pandora’s box of worry, and then to engage with my inner chatter/backchat as if it is important/necessary, when it is not and only keeps me occupied in illusion so I am not directing myself here in each moment in full self-awareness,  responsibly as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself , physically saying outloud ‘STOP’,  and my participation of following these thoughts, as if I have to, when I can simply use breath, as in breathe through the thoughts/backchat, and not allowing myself to become possessed by them and take me away from my point that I am currently facing in my day, that is before me in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am not trusting myself as breath but am trusting to remain unaware, as an organic robot essentially, a constant/continuous stream of thoughts/memories/pictures arise in my mind and I am oblivious to this and think it is me, being me.

In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead be directed by & trust fear, as this fear begins the whole possession, telling me I must not stop thinking or I will not effectively ‘look after’ all the areas of my life that need attention and then I will lose the money I have/lose my home/lose my relationship/lose the love/respect of my children: Fear Of Loss!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I cannot effectively contribute to another beings process. In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think whatever I contribute will be criticized/rejected or just ‘put up’ with and considered of no real value to anyone, to compare myself to other Destonians and think they would be/are more effective/right/know better in regards to supporting and assisting others on an individual basis and mankind as a whole/earth as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t participate ‘right’/correctly/well enough and that I should just stay in the sidelines and not make a nuisance of myself. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up/back out because of fear of falling/failing/making a mistake and looking foolish and so based on self-interest-How I Look to Others-versus taking a chance to assist and support another human being and falling and then  simply getting back up.

Self-Commitment Statements To Follow