I have a pattern of failed relationships that I will explore over the next few blogs. I am aware of the same thoughts occurring in my present relationship. They are definitely destructive, manipulative and reactive and no longer acceptable to me as it only harms the partner, myself and the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use memories of the relationship with my ex-husband to criticize, abuse, gossip with others, analyze, contort, exaggerate, and not use these memories-point in the past-to look at myself in detail, at that same moment, to see where I have abused, reacted, etc. In that, I have allowed myself to abuse my own mind and allowed a cycle/thought pattern/time loop to occur again and again instead of slowing down and examining the point/s that concern me as my responsibility and not just pointing fingers of blame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react suspiciously and in paranoia to every little thing and every big thing accusing, the partner of wrong doing, cheating with another being, doing drugs, spending unwisely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for ‘proof’ of infidelity by searching pockets, phone messages/calls, asking others, asking the partner leading questions, calling the partner’s place of work, calling the partner’s friends thereby ‘checking up’ on him.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow thoughts and react with emotions of anger/suspicion/anxiety when the partner is late coming home from work or an outing without me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow thoughts that the partner does not care about me as much as I care about him and thinks I am lacking as a partner and then react with emotions of jealousy, suspicion, fear, feeling less than, comparing myself to another being (woman), judging another being, when the partner is talking to/engaging with another woman.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can control the partner by being hyper vigilant, always ‘on the lookout’, to monitor his every move, thereby using manipulation and guilt (we’re a family), when this just pushes the partner further away as they are not being trusted and constantly badgered with messages, ‘You have to love me!’ and ‘You are a liar!’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to transfer onto the partner my own feelings of less than/not good enough when we were socializing, suggesting he cares about everyone else more than me and thereby making the statement to myself I am not one and equal to others and that we as beings are limited, in that one can only ‘care about’ so many people so there is not enough of the partner to ‘go around’ and I wanted the partner all to myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use manipulation skills to make him experience guilt, shame, responsibility and commitment to me.
I commit myself to- through writing, self-forgiveness and corrective application– walk this one life on earth and take responsibility for my creation of/as me as my Mind, from the perspective of this world system within and the physical existence without.
I commit myself to be aware in each moment of thoughts/memories/pictures that arise in my mind where I focus on the ex-husband in blame/anger/regret/shame/guilt (concerning my children) and to instead bring the memory point back to focusing on myself; how was I responsible, what was I experiencing inside as emotions within me, what could I have done in that moment to change the outcome what was occurring (ie. not be financially dependent but get employment), where was I ‘right’, where was I ‘wrong’, what can I do now to stop these memories from controlling me?
I commit myself to STOP and breathe when I become aware of an energetic reaction of suspicion, jealousy, anger arise within me and to search within myself for the reasons and to take complete responsibility for what is occurring inside of myself as it is me! With common sense explore and discuss issues with the partner of course but this does not require energy in the form of emotions and reactions in the form of fighting. I commit myself to not search for proof of the partner doing something I consider unacceptable in our relationship but to simply ask and discuss and be the directive principal of me in my response and not try to control another being.
I commit myself to not judge or engage in internal conversations when the partner is talking to another woman or compare myself to the other woman as this separates us as one and equals as life.
I commit myself to stop myself when I see I am having thoughts/reactions that lead me to attempt to control and manipulate the partner to focus only on me because I need his love/undivided attention and I justify this because it makes me feel safe/whole/loved in self-interest and not care about the other beings involved.
I commit myself to remind myself that we as living beings are in fact not limited in our ability to care for only a certain number of others beings, which I used to justify my feelings of fear and insecurity, thereby making the statement that the partner only has so much to give and I need/demand all his attention/all he has to give.