Day 4: Failed Relationships: Beginning: Facing My Father

It makes sense to trace back my failed relationships to my father and to follow an order, so I’ll go back and start with my Dad.

Listening to the Reptillian interview Series from Eqafe (Desteni’s online store), the being refers to one key point each individual will have to face, that is within and as themselves, that they must get through as one of the keys to birthing themselves as life, here in the physical. This is the process I am busy with, in relation to my DIP course and daily participation within my life and Desteni.  Perhaps my one point to face is fear of men, more specifically fear of being rejected by men, that they will verbally abuse (make fun of , think I am wrong, stupid, less than others) and abandon me. I have to ask myself, so? This must then be the fear of losing safety/security as well as validating my worst fear that I am worthless and worthy of leaving and not capable of standing on my own two feet,  financially and emotionally . Hmm, that’s alot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see and understand that the fear I am facing now (insecurity about my marriage) is directly related to my past as my relationship to/with my father and that this has been actually pre-programmed into and as me, life after life, and will continue until I stop and examine and see the thoughts and delete the old program and write a new program.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe what my father thought/said, that I was the cute, youngest daughter, who was shy and no trouble at all, in fact she doesn’t even speak much and doesn’t ask for anything/require much attention, she is the easiest of the 4 children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see and understand that I do not need another’s stamp of approval, after having behaved/spoken/performed a certain way that they deem is the right/best way, to be worthy of life, as life is just that, life and requires no test. In that I also I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see and understand that I do not require to be taken care of now as I am not a dependent being (child) on an adult (parent)  and capable of earning income so need to see the real reason for my fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear suffering the humiliation of making a mistake/not knowing how to do something that a man thinks I should know and ‘failing’ in his eyes, his watchful eye, ever scrutenizing, judging my actions, ready to attack/pounce should I fall.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so pleased/relieved when I receive ‘positive’ feedback from a man/my Dad (authority male figure or romantic male figure) but not too pleased because it was always clear I was just average, never best, as he said several time ‘Sandy never wins the race but she always tries so hard.’ I understand this is what he was comfortable with and not what we (his children) were-average.

I commit myself  through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application  to stop and breathe when my husband and I are arguing and examine immediately where my reaction is from, where is the fear originating from, the anger and not dump it all on my husband and to bring myself back to ‘here’ as in the moment and deal just with the issue at hand in a practical and supportive way for both of us.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a picture of the past, as the shy, cute one who is no trouble and does not need much attention. In that also I commit myself to not become the opposite extreme but to be meek and not needy, so as to engage in living /participating fully in a way that is self-honest each moment and out of out ego, so not to be a character in a story with characteristics/personality traits ( of aggressive or submissive) but to be self as one and equal, here, creating a world that is best for all.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever and each time I think about/want/need/desire the approval of my husband/another man/authority figure and remind myself I require no approval from anyone but myself, self-honestly as I know when I am behaving properly, contributing properly, taking care of my daily responsibilites and I know when I do this I often get feedback that is supportive and assisting.  If I receive feedback that is abusive I commit myself to address the individual immediately, if possible, to stop the abuse as it is unacceptable towards me and from me. I also commit myself to stop all thoughts/emotions-fear, anxiety/memories/fantasies/backchat/self-talk that suggests I am financially dependent on a man, if this husband leaves me I have to get another. I know I am completely capable of earning an adequate income and making sound financial decisions.

I commit myself to stop whenever I am reactive, in fear/shame/ humiliation/intimidation/self-doubt/inferiority of my partner’s feedback or any authority figure’s feedback, and if I consider it harsh, critical, abusive I speak up self-honestly in the moment, in a way that is supportive and assisting to both of us, as to over-react only sends me once again into guilt and fear and a timeloop and serves no purpose but keep me stuck and the other stuck to/as/within the mind.

I commit myself to STOP when thoughts/backchat/inner talk/memories/pictures in my mind/emotions arise from within me and in my mind about being average. I am just me ‘here’ and require no label for what I create or how I express myself in sport/music/work/socially.

To continue.

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