Day 5: Failed Relationships: Facing my Father 2

Having done the first blog about my father I am becoming aware of how my relationship with my Dad, being one where he did not give me much attention when I was young (engage in conversation or touch me much) and his belief I did not need much attention,  was the quiet shy child, who tried hard but never had much success and was average, led to my neediness and need for attention/approval from men to make me feel worthy and over come my feeling of less than/belief I was not enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/be directed by emotions of insecurity/self-doubt/unworthiness that I require something/someone/a man outside of myself and in separation of the whole as me, to give me attention/approval/love in order to get a positive reaction/feedback which feeds/directs my ego that I am enough and deserve a good life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect/relate another’s/a man’s words/opinion of me to how I relate to myself and direct myself, only and always thinking of the next thing ‘he’ will say , the next thing he will do to again feed this need/desire I have within me to fuel me /propel me to move to again get this feedback, like an addiction, forever looping round and round.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write songs/love songs/world message songs to attract attention, especially from men, in self-interest and not from the starting point of what is best for all life in equality, to get/secure attention and approval to feed my ego so I have a positive energy reaction/feeling to once again fuel myself to believe I deserve a decent life experience/that I have talent/that I am special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think men are basically mean spirited and do not like me and I need to ‘do’ something to impress them so they like me and if I do not do this they will discard/dispose of  me, like garbage, as that is  what I believe I am, just garbage. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/think I am disposable like garbage instead of  standing here, one and equal to what is here as life in/as responsibility for me and all others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my Dad and his friend, Dr. W, in which I think they are mean and that they see me as a sex object/toy for some guy in the future (note: I was never sexually abused), that I was only cute and that was all I was good for, and have this image exist within and as me to constantly direct me in my daily participation with life resulting in the consequence of me continually choosing partnerships in which I felt a need to prove my worth, felt less than, was full of conflict as energy and not have/choose a partnership based on trust, communication, equality and support. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people I see as cute/attractive as not needing/requiring attention/support/assistance and in turn ignoring them/disliking them/thinking they ‘got it easy’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need a man’s approval/love/attention because I will die without it, as they are bigger and stronger than me and will help me survive in this physical world, they are angry at me that I am not special and only good for sex so if they are not having sex with me I am useless to them and they want to discard me and in this I will die because I will not have money as I am financially dependent on men to provide for me a home and security as I saw my mother was financially dependent on my father and did not work outside the home. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe I am not capable of creating an adequate income for myself to survive without a man and even if I snag/get/manipulate a man to marry me/live with me , he will eventually leave when he finds out what all the other men know, that I am not worthy.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-directive application, to stop participating in the pattern of needing/feeding off of  positive enrgy/feedback/approval from men in separation of myself as the whole, to make me feel good enough/worthy of life. In this,  I commit myself to stop and breathe whenever I think I need approval for something I have done/created/said/participated in from a man,and remind myself I am worthy of a dignified life, as I am life here.

I commit myself ,  through writing, self-forgiveness and self-directive application, to stop thinking I require the positive feedback/approval from a male romantic figure or authority figure, or person in general, to motivate me  to feel good enough about myself to continue moving in a certain direction and to have that person’s opinion of me direct me in what I do or not do in relation to what I think they would like/want me to do, in self-interest, so I can depend on them  like a leach for company/friendship/a job/money/sex/to take care of me in some way or another, as this is how I define me/my life in/as dependency.

I commit myself to enjoy the creation of music/melody/lyric writing within the starting point of what is best for all and no longer in self-interest for my ego in separation. I commit myself to write/play/sing for enjoyment with the music as me by myself or with others for enjoyment and no longer to require positive feedback/approval from others to feed me, as in what I crave to feel worthy of other’s attention/approval/money/fame. I commit myself to create music that communicates the oneness and equality of all life here and the need for an equal money system in our world so all may have a dignified life and no longer write music about special relationships of love and separation.

I commit myself to stop and breathe whenever I think men are mean and remind myself I am one and equal to all men and women and no longer accept and allow myself to judge another but realize we all have the same inner demons to work through in the process of birthing ourselves as life in the physical, and not of the mind of opinions/gossip/inner chatter. I commit myself to stop myself whenever I think I am useless garbage and therefore need to manipulate men to think I am special and worthy of their attention , and to breathe here in the physical and remind myself I am equal to all in existence and should therefore exemplify this  and be meek and not directed by the emotions of fear/worry that I am not receiving attention from a certain other person, in separation of the whole.

I commit myself , through the process of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to stop all self-abuse of telling myself/thinking I am just a sex toy for some guy or if I am not, I better be able to make money for his benefit in some way, and that I can have value in those 2 ways only and not as life itself, and as  that is all I am good for, otherwise I can be discarded/ignored/passed by and I commit myself to no longer engage in fear of being without a man for financial survival.

I commit myself to stop participation in a belief system that I must provide a man with sex, children, taking care/cleaning/cooking in the home, or make money for him to believe I have value, or for myself to believe I have value. I commit to remind myself I do not need to ‘believe’ anything as I know I am life here with breath, living in awareness and not separation form the whole of humanity and all in existence.

I commit myself to remind myself I will not die without a man to take care of me as I am life here and in the process of birthing myself as life in the physical, and until there is an equal money system in this world, I am capable to earn income and not be dependent on another, require to hire people to do work for me (support and assistance of course is often required as we go through our processes of self-perfection). I commit to remind myself to breathe through fear as it arises, knowing it is not in fact real but I am real, as in life here, as the breath!

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