My father believed the white male -under god of course-was the superior species, the adult superior to the child and of course the male superior to the female and the human superior to the animal kingdom and plant kingdom. The order of arrogance and hatred goes on but I will stick to what I am facing/blogging about today, the point of my childhood feeling less than/not good enough/inferior and somewhat sexualized as a little girl.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat my daughters as if they were not equal and one with myself, as if I were better than them and the system of hierarchy was in fact real (which it is not, as it is an idea made up in the mind). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and tell my daughters in so many subtle and not so subtle ways, that the superiority/order of importance was god given and birth given and there is nothing we can do about it and that this entitled me to treat them rudely/ignore them/ insult them/sexualize them/exagerate all of my beliefs when I was drinking and then confuse and create guilt in them as I would feel terrible the next day and treat them super nice (but not humble and apologize which is what they deserved as my equal).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think many men would sexually abuse young/little girls if they could get away with and that innocence is sexually attractive, as a flower in bloom, the child is new and beautiful/unspoiled by time and it feels good and is exciting to see/touch/explore this thing for your own self-interested pleasure and that this is ok no matter how it harm the child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I, as a child, was less than/inferior to /not as important/slave to an adult and particularily to an adult male and in that be fearful, as a ‘wrong’ word or action from me could result in harsh/humiliating/embarrassing words to punish. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this with me into adulthood and have this belief exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is better to be silent/hide/be out of view so to be left alone/ignored/not noticed than chance suffering the humiliation/verbal abuse of my father ( he has passed on but now husband/partner or other male authority figure) should I upset him. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this into adulthood and thereby be needy/controlling/insecure/people pleasing, so as to constantly and continuously validate my worth as I feel unworthy/less than/ have low self-esteem, OR to avoid people as in not participate/walk away from relationships or friendships, so as to constantly and continuously validate my unworthiness/less than image of myself instead of face the possibility of failure/criticism/abandonment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is very important to ‘tip toe’ /be careful/ cautious around my dad as he is unpredictable and is a heavy user of alcohol as well as an authoritarian dictator of sorts in the home (not absolute, often kind , but this made it even more heartbreaking and confusing and caused much guilt). In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this belief into adulthood, my adult relationships and male romantic relationships in particular, in that I am very fearful of being abandoned and try to please/apease/act cautiously and am not therefore, free to just be me and explore me and create freely but instead enslaved, and a slave here only to please a man and enslaved to the idea men are mean, don’t really like me, will ‘fly off the handle’/be unpredictable so you have to be ‘on guard’ at all times and serve them domestically and sexually so they are not angry (more angry) with you.
Commitment As my father: I commit myself to treat all human beings and animals equal and one with the way I want to be treated, with respect as life, dignity, patience, and kindness. In that I commit myself to remain here, out of my mind of thoughts/opinions/beliefs of a hierarchical system of abuse and justification for that abuse. I commit myself to stop all thoughts and expression of those thoughts related birthright/god given right as in order of importance of life here on earth and in the afterlife as it does not support life one and equal and is not best for all. I commit myself to not using mind altering substances, as in alcohol, as it contributes to further verbal abuse (and in deeds/actions) within the family unit and unit of humanity in separation and understand that my actions/words/deeds affect the whole and abuse will not be tolerated.
I commit myself to stop and breathe and stop my thoughts whenever I think that my father or any other men think young female children are ok to stare at /desire in a sexual way, talk about in a sexual way, ignore because they have no hope of having sex with them, fantasize about or engage in any sexual activity with them. I commit myself to remember that most/many men do not engage in this behavior and I will work towards implementing an equal money system, resulting in a world that respects/values all life equally and this abuse will not be tolerated at all in any form, including online. I commit myself to remember that my father loved me and I do not have specific memories of sexual abuse (my sister told me of an incidence) except a creepy/errie feeling about it, and that my father was indeed very kind later in his life toward me and my siblings.
I commit myself , through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to support and assist me, to fully realize I am in fact one and equal to all in existence and to not allow myself to be unaware of fear when it arises but to face it head on knowing /understanding/realizing this is a pattern of thought/programmed into me and I will not get rid of it completely until I walk through and as the solution as me as equality in fact to all men/women/children/animals/plants/existence so I will stand and will not allow fear, specific as fear of verbal abuse, to control me.
I commit myself , through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to support and assist me, to fully realize/see/understand that I am safe and do not have to be silent/hide/avoid/leave/people please/be needy for fear of attack/humiliation as this type of behavior is unacceptable and not tolerated by me any longer and that I have a voice and can use it appropriately, to stand up for myself and for life/all as one and equal to life in the moment, and self-honestly express myself in the moment of abuse. No matter how long it takes to fully become this commitment.
I commit myself , through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to support and assist me, to fully realize/see/understand I do not have to tip toe around some supposed authority figure/man whomever he is and I can be free to be me, as is all as me, to explore, express, create and make mistakes, yes as I am in the process of self perfection, I can fall, forgive myself and get back up on my own without the approval or disproval of my partner or authority figure in my life, in this I commit to face the fear of the unknown/unpredictability of some people/events in life and stand in the moment as each moment occurs with breath and within self-honesty. I also commit to supporting and assisting others to stand one and equal in birthing themselves as life here in the physical.