Day 8: Failed Relationships: Rushing

How has my fear, in particular fear of time, contributed to my failed realtionships? Why has it and how has it had an impact on my ‘love life’ and in fact controlled me? In the simple act of rushing I am in my mind thinking/fearing there is not enough time, feeling and fueling anxiety, to improve myself/be better than/impress my partner so to ‘keep him hooked’ into believing that which I don’t believe; that I am worthy of a decent /loving partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush in almost every romantic relationship I have ever had, for fear the man will leave me so I need a ‘commitment’ , I need to control the relationship and ‘tie the knot’ for emotional and financial security because I fear time, as in aging and needing to have babies or aging and need to use my physical ‘beauty’ to get/keep a partner so I better hurry up as the clock is ticking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear time, a creation in the mind (in common sense there is a linear passing of moments, of course) that has controlled me through fear of only so much time, so many years in ones life, so I must rush/do/have/be certain things before I’m old/I die/it’s too late.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to fear the impending doom and decay of my physical human body, the unknown as in death and what awaits-to such an extent-that I remain in total separation, a self-interested personal bubble, that I do not care about the suffering of others enough to stop and direct myself to be an agent for change in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  for being directed by the act of rushing and  being directed by thoughts of  hurry up, you’re gonna be late again, he’ll/they’ll be mad at you, or self-deprecating thoughts of you’re always late, you’re such a screw-up,/loser/incompetent idiot or thoughts of failure/giving up of screw it they hate me anyway, it doesn’t matter, screw him/them they’d be late too if they were me, they don’t understand, I don’t like them anyway, I don’t care.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush when my partner/father in the past/others intimidate me, tell me to hurry-up, rush me, act impatiently/rude when they feel I am late or going to be leaving late. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to react with the emotions of anger, frustration, intimidation, fear of abandonment, anxiety, confusion. So I am communicating from a starting point of reaction instead of stopping and breathing and expressing self-honestly in that moment, and not accepting abuse, which would be best for all involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to think I must rush/hurry so I can get everything done I need to for self-interested survival, as in; exercise so I stay slim so I am sexually attractive for my partner and he will not leave me or when I was single to attact a mate, get work done so I am earning income and manipulate ways to receive/earn more money to build my personal wealth and that of my families, write a song to attract/or keep someone interested in me sexually, get chores done/school work done and not consider all life equally important and close my eyes to the suffering of the majority in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to believe that rushing/worry about ‘not enough time’ and the emotions that it creates within and as me of fear/anxiety/anger is in anyway productive or achieves the desired result when, in fact, the opposite results.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to have the memory/picture exist within and as me of my father rushing my mother, my mother often being a little late for events (getting stuck in domestic chores as I often do), and my boyfriend in university, ex-husband and husband rushing me in a similar manner.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application (daily self-directive movement in awareness), to stop myself whenever I think there is not enough time, time is running out and I must get/keep a man/partner and must participate in this feeling of anxiety and fear (as if it is real) and I breathe and remind myself to slow down my thoughts. I realize I do not need a man for survival as I am capable on my own and can enjoy my own company and the company of others when I want it.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to fully see and understand that fear of time, as in rushing, is fear of death, and in that to face this fear head on so as to walk out of a self-interested existence of me as an island (separation) and into the oneness and equality of all that is here, as life and thus speak/act/move to bring about the change required to implement an equal money system in our world, as what is best for all, and not just me.  I commit to remind myself that fear of death/only so much time/rushing has not, in common sense, done anything of value for me but made me immobile and feel physically sick, use alcohol, make poor decisions, say things I regret, etc.  and in that I commit to not project this rush out onto my husband and try to control him to rush/put up with lateness, as well

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop putting myself down and remind myself to be patient in my process of self realization, as it is a 7 year process of re-programming oneself. In this I also commit to stop projecting outward to my husband, co-workers, children, and friends that they will judge/criticize me for being late if I do not rush. I remind myself that in the act of slowing down with breath awareness I am much more likely to NOT be late-even though I am not rushing-so the opposite of what I thought/how I was acting/moving is true!

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop my reaction when being bullied to hurry up- and breathe and stand up for myself/speak up self-honestly in the moment to stop the abuse. In this I commit myself to remind myself to be on time for myself and others as it is rude and disrespectful and brings out the ‘worst’ in all involved also if the abuse does not stop, I commit to remove myself (if possible) from the abusive person/situation and have a zero tolerance stand with regards to abuse of all nature.

I commit myself to stop the act/movement and thought of rushing within my daily participation in my world and towards others in thought/word/deed and in that be aware of and walk through the emotion of fear in relation to time is running out/passing/only so much time and to assist and support my body to ‘go through’ the fear, so not use the energy crated by the emotions of fear/anxiety which eats away at our flesh/physicality, by breathing and focussing on each in and out breath while going about my day, ever reminding myself/bringing myself back/down to earth/out of my head of thoughts, by breathing through them (not following them as one thought leads to another) and bring my focus back to the physical, to reality, as what is best for all.

I commit to remind myself that the act of being aware of my breath -life awareness – is not ‘too hard’ but as with most things , it is  an adjustment period/takes some time to get used to, then the outward focus of life/reality will be natural BUT always a priority in each moment to keep it that way for eternity, in that I commit to never fall asleep in a self-interested, selfish, dream which I turned into the nightmere of consciousness on earth versus awareness on earth.  Never again! Til here no further!

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