Day 9: Personality Patterns: I am Mom

I have decided to walk through the many and various personalities I have adopted and become/lived within my 51 years of living, as I feel this will be beneficial in facing myself as the mind. I have 2 children , a daughter who is 23 and a son who is 20. First I will focus on my role as Mom and within that the roles I live with my daughter, whom I’ll call L.

I am Mom to L.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a loser Mom in comparison to other mothers and think I come up short financially, resulting in me not being able to ‘spoil’/treat/purchase gifts, take her on trips, spend time shopping, getting our hair done, nails done, doing some sports like skiing, contributing more to university, contributing to buying her things for her new home, have more for her wedding (hasn’t happened yet), pick up things for her spontaneously that I think she would like or for Christmas, purchase better quality clothes for her when she was growing up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the poor single Mom role and be humiliated by my ex’s family financial contributions, taking her on trips, buying her expensive jewelry at certain ‘important’  birthdays, paying for a tutor in high school, paying for her to belong at an exclusive ski club, taking her almost every weekend to the summer cottage or winter chalet, etc. while I lived poor.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the role of failure and in that be directed by a feeling of  less than/inferior/not good enough because I did not have a career but elected to stay home and do daycare and write music while L. was growing up, and even today, although I got my real estate licence and considered to begin a career in this about 4 years ago, I again choose to stay home and do daycare and take the Desteni I Process Course instead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself,  today, to continually people please L. always directed by fear that she will compare me/compare our home to that of wealthy relatives and wealthy friends of her fathers and that I will ‘come up short’/fail her, in that I still do not offer her the luxuries so many other people do in her life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by a emotion of embarrassment that my husband and I have still not finished/or done much of our renovation while she and her boyfriend renovated a whole house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think I need to impress L./to show her I am worthy because I am being directed by fear of abandonment, so I do things to ‘keep her happy’ so she will like/love/accept me, such as have the house spotless when she comes, have all the food she likes in the house, take her out for meals (I enjoy this alot too),  have all the linens clean for her, make sure we are all together for family night, and then feel exhausted and resent her for all the preparation work I ‘had’ to do when it was what I created through my own mind, lol!

I commit myself, through breath awareness here,writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop myself when I think I am a loser as a mother and not compare myself to other mothers in total separation of myself and to follow my process until I fully see/realize/understand I am only harming myself and others by using my mind to bring up feelings/emotions/memories/fantasies/pictures/wants/needs and projecting this outward onto my daughter and these women. I commit myself to come back down to earth/reality by using my breath in each moment here in awareness and remind myself my daughter does not require these materialistic things from me and we can enjoy each others company no matter what we do and I do not wish to be a part of the world system of money any longer (obviously I still am but am aware of it now and am in the process of contributing to bringing about an equal money system in the world).

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop myself when I think I am/was the poor single Mother, the victim and to stop all thoughts and emotions of humiliation, embarrassment, inferiority, worry, regret, anger about my ex-in-laws and ex-brother and sister in-law and niece, as it does nothing to change the past and only harms my human physical body through the energy created by my mind participation, so I stop and breathe and re-commit to stay with breath and awareness of my physicality in each moment here, until I fully see and understand I am responsible for what I create in this world.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop myself whenever I have thoughts/emotions of being a failure and all thoughts/reactions of feeling less than/not good enough of a mother because of my choices in life to stay home and earn income so I could write music and now take the Desteni I Process Course, until they exisit/come up in my mind no longer, as I know we are all one and equal here and these thoughts are of the mind and have no reality in physical existence. I commit to remind myself L. supports me in my choices and respects who I am and who I am becoming.

I commit to stop myself each time I try to please L/get her approval, I remind myself to breathe, slow down, remember what is important in life and enjoy my time with her, which has nothing to do with money or money is my master. I commit to just be me , here, in life awareness and not mind awareness as a story of a mother and daughter, but to respect her and I and all by being real and not a collection of memories and fantasies.

I commit myself to stop all participation in thoughts comparing our renovation with L’s and her boyfriend’s renovation, as it is a waste of my time and meaningless, it does nothing but bring up energy inside of me coming out in fear of L’s disapproval, which is but a delusion/fantasy in my mind as she is only supportive of all we do or don’t do.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop my thoughts and breathe-breathe through thoughts-that I have to have everything perfect when L. comes for a visit (she just moved out recently) and not engage in internal conversation unaware it is happening about how I am lacking in some way as a mother. I commit myself to not be directed by guilt if she asks for certain food (she is vegetarian) that I do not have and may not be able to afford and not run out to the store. As well I commit myself to not try to buy her love/approval/or please her by fussing when she is coming or fantasizing about what I will get her as gifts or  what we will do ‘special’ together.

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