Day 10: Facing My Personalities: I am Mom The Protector

Today I am facing some of the fears I have around/about my daughter (L), concerning her chosen partner (P), as I project her into the future in my mind and imagine all kinds of consequences and all kinds of guilt comes up inside me. She had just finished a half marathon run, very cool , and we were out for brunch. They had just informed me the day before, P. was going to work in another province for 1 year to earn/save a good amount of money to put down on a house they would purchase.

I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to run away in my head/fantasies/self-projected fears about some imagined future, instead of remaining with my breath, in the moment and enjoying their company. In that  I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself  to pretend/justify  I was fretting out of concern for L. but after investigating this kind of thinking/pattern of worry around my children previously, within my process taking the Desteni I Process Course , I can see it is mostly based in self-interest, concern for my future/security/enjoyment/’happiness’ and therefore a rude self-indulgence.

I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to judge P. as unworthy of sharing a life with L. , in that she could be better off with a man who was more safe, quiet, homebody. In that I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to think that what he said in conversation was a ‘warning sign‘ that he would not be a faithful partner and she should not marry him/be with him and that L. should listen/hear/heed these warning signs and question him and be clear, as I was not clear when I married her Dad and did not heed warning signs and it resulted in my being ‘damaged’ and I do not want this for her.

I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to be directed by an emotion of guilt and great fear, a sickening feeling I get after speaking up, for several hours after we parted, as I spoke up self-honestly, in the moment, in the restaurant when we were discussing movie stars and ‘open concept marriages‘.  In that  I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to be influenced by an energetic reaction of fear and guilt bringing up the thoughts they will abandon me, see me less, I will miss L., P. will not like me and therefore keep L. from seeing me.

I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to think P.’s silence is controlling , keeps a woman in the dark and therefore the man has the power as he keeps L./the woman guessing, as in no clear communication so she is at a disadvantage. I  forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to compare this with the past/my past and have thoughts/feelings/emotions/pictures/memories arise within and as me of my father/brother/ex-husband/boyfriends/husband/ex-in-laws being silent about certain issues around authority/women/marriage/fidelity/strip-clubs/prostitutes or tell me, in one way or another, to shut up.  If I speak up, the message is clear, this topic is not open for discussion.

I commit myself through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to direct myself in awareness and remain ‘here’ with breath when I am with L. and P. and not get lost in my mind with imaginings of the future, in which I bring up emotions/pictures in my mind, which can in turn bring up reactions within myself and then I speak from the starting point of that reaction instead of remaining with what is real in that moment and addressing the issue at hand self-honestly.

I commit myself to not pretend it is for /only for concern of L. that I worry about her future with P. but remind myself it is out of self-interest so that I can enjoy her company, continue my role as mom the protector, which I identify as ‘me’ and gives me a sense of worth and a reason to exist.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts that P. is unworthy to be with L. and remind myself that I am one and equal to P. and rather I should speak up with common sense and self-honesty in a way that I would want to be spoken to . I commit to stop and breathe when I feel the emotion of fear/reactions to ‘warning’ signs/wanting protect my daughter from going through what I went through. Instead of reacting, I commit to actually be the living word/living example in awareness and slow down and consider what I want to communicate.

I commit myself through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to remind myself I do not have to participate in self-doubt, coming out in the emotions of fear/anxiety/guilt/worry, and go over and over using inner conversation/mind chatter in my head, the event as it unfolded, as it does not change anything. I also commit to remind myself I can trust myself to speak up more and more in the moment so as not to carry around alot of suppressed energy that can harm my physicality. In that, I also remind myself the person I need to not abandon me is ME! I need to get to know me intimately before I need to concern myself with other relationships and in common sense our relationship is very good and I don’t need to exaggerate what occurred, as I said what I said clearly and did not go on and on.

I commit myself to stop myself from being controlled and directed by my mind, through pictures in my mind/memories/emotions, by stopping/not following a thought that comes up which connects my past to the reality of the moment, when talking with P. and L. or any other being, thereby allowing me to focus on what is happening in front of me and respond/engage from the /in the physical  in a way that is compassionate and self-honest. In that I commit to remind myself that yes, some beings do use silence as a control manipulation tool but I can see through this and respond the same (self-directive/self-honest) and not give into fear and have this /them control me into silence/suppression.

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