Day 11: Personalities: ‘Mom’ as the Possession of Worry

I am continuing facing my personality as ‘Mom’, first focusing on my daughter, who I am referring to as L. Today I am looking at my love for her and how it is one and equal to fear, coming out as the emotion of worry, in a mess of thoughts over the years. Where to start?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start a relationship, of love as fear, with my daughter as early as in the womb. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about having a cigarette a day, gaining to much weight, consuming enough/the proper nutrition for the babies development, that I had the wrong partner/father figure for the baby, worry we won’t have enough money for the baby AND for us to have an extravagant lifestyle like our rich friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry after she was born about ‘crib death’ and that she would die during the night, fear she will be abducted, sexually abused by a man I know or don’t know, think she is too sweet and be taken advantage of by others, be unpopular in school, be popular and snobby, get fat and therefore unhappy, worry she would choke, worry that other family members see me as an ineffectual disaplinarian and can’t ‘control’ her.

In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that this was the ultimate trap and enslavement as a parent and started a lifelong pattern of fear of L. dying whenever she was/is not with me, when the truth of it is, she is going to die, it is just a matter of when, unless she births herself as life in the physical.

In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/be directed by fear/worry that L. will die in a car accident, plane crash, get cancer and die, marry the wrong guy, be a people pleaser, go crazy/insane, be depressed, be addicted to excitement, not do process/desteni i process,  become an alcoholic, be lonely, be co-dependent, get divorced and have to raise children on her own, be poor, be rich and protective of her money, not support an equal money system, have a husband who will not support an equal money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand all these thoughts are because I love her=I fear for her survival in separation of myself, I do not think life is valuable without her around/to enjoy her companionship, so I associate her with pain and fear and lack of control as I know we all die anyway and the doomsday will come one way or another. Instead of thinking about/seeing/regarding L. as life, as one and equal to myself, and assisting her in each moment to express herself unconditionally.

In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that my ‘worry’ for L. exists from a starting point of self-interest so to give me a reason to exists and a role/identity to exist as. Also, that I am projecting my own past onto my daughter, as many of my fears are experiences I have gone through in my own life, thereby fear passing on ‘the sins of the father/mother’. As well, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, from the starting point of fear, suggest/influence her to  scrap book/self-alone time so not go crazy in her own mind or get a degree so you can be independent within the world system and not have rely on a man to provide financially for you.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt in thinking I made my daughter into a organic robot to survive in the world systems and not as life here with breath by : directing L. to be pretty, slim, to attract a mate for survival, to ‘get along’ with others so as not cause conflict/be popular, all to have money to survive in the world systems and allowing for little real self-expression as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt in thinking my alcoholism has made her into a somewhat obsessive/overly organized/overly responsible/worrier/people pleaser young woman who is in the chains of the world systems already. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotion of worry thinking , ‘Oh god, how will she manage when she is working as a full time teacher and has a couple of kids?’ or (she has moved to northern ontario) ‘OMG how will L. drive to work all those winter mornings, she could have an accident in a snow storm and be killed!’ or ‘ How will she manage if she has kids and gets divorced, she shouldn’t have kids!’

I commit myself through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop all thoughts/emotions the moment they arise, from the starting point of fear, disguised as love for L., of when L. was in the womb, when she was a baby and all the years she was growing up, until this moment, and to have these memories exist within and as me as pictures in my mind/emotions/feelings/thoughts.

I commit myself through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application to stop all thoughts as memories the moment they arise of when L. was growing up, as in the story line of me the mom and L. the daughter, with a beginning and an end, instead of L. and myself as life here in each moment of each breath. In that I commit to break the cycle as the chains of enslavement that is the mind of/as negative/neutral/and positive energy addiction, that arise with these memories, the cycle of infinity within and as holding these memories in and as my physical body, consuming my physicality as in burning the energy they require/produce when they are brought up by the mind. In that I commit to stand as a living example for and as one and equal to L.

I commit myself to put an end to the cycle of fearing L. ‘s death whenever she is not with me as it is useless and a waste of my time, in that I commit to remind myself that this is not love but fear in disguise as worry/anxiety/need to control/neediness as in co-dependency and self-interest and to bring myself, out of my mind, and back down to earth with breath awareness in each moment and get on with the task at hand in the physical reality.

I commit myself to stop myself, when I am directed by fear, in thinking that L. and P. (her fiance) will not do process and therefore not have the opportunity to birth themselves as life here, in the physical as I realize each is in their own process of self realization and I do not control when someone is ready to let go of their mind. In that I commit myself to remind myself what I can do practically, is walk my process and be an example and I remind myself it is partly self-interest that I worry about them, as I enjoy their company but they are ‘young’ and will do process when they are ready.

I commit myself to remind myself to stop existing as fear and using my daughter as an excuse to get lost in my mind because I ‘love’ her and to stand unconditionally, as life here, with breath. In that I commit myself to stop all connection/association of L. to fear/fear of loss/fear of death and focus on what is real supporting her, sharing, enjoying each others company, expressing, being real when we are together.

I commit myself,  through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application, to stop all movement as it arise within me of anxiety/fear of past/present/future events, so the construct of time, stop time existing within and as me and bring everything here in this moment within my physicality with breath. In that I commit to stop existing from a starting point as self-interest, individuality, personality and separation with regards to L. and start living as one and equal as beings together on this planet.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application, to stop all thoughts/emotions/conversations with/about L. in which I treat her just as an organic robot, trying to get through life, instead of her potential to become the living word/life/real/a free expression of substance and support her in this until it is done.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that guilt about the past is useless and assists and supports no one but causes damage to my physicality thereby I commit myself to stop myself when the emotion of guilt arises within and as me concerning the past and how it may have effected/shaped by daughter’s personality/life path. I remind myself we have a very enjoyable relationship, communicate freely and most of her beingness is  dependable/consistent/capable/trust worthy/self-sufficient and very little that is damaging/harmful to her or others.

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