Today I am continuing to walk the point of me as the personality of Mom, with my daughter, whom I refer to as L., and the memories/thoughts/thought patterns/emotions/feelings around summer experiences when she was growing up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture/memory of my cousin and her daughter at the summer camp the two girls attended, arise in my mind, when I think of summer camp and the following thought pattern, ‘they are better than/superior to L. and I in that they are skinnier and have way more money, my cousin pays for her daughter’s camp herself, this camp is ridiculously expensive and L. would never go here if my ex’s family did not pay for it, they are happier than us and we fake it, my cousin’s daughter will succeed and be happy in life and L. and I won’t. I am a drunk and have to fake who I am and they do not have to fake who they are as they are just real, I get to drink and go out and party freely when L. is at camp, what a loser I am, my cousin thinks I am a loser, her daughter doesn’t but she will when she gets older, my cousins daughter will have more fun and be more popular at camp, I hate my cousin and her daughter, I wish I could protect L. from my cousin and her daughter and all rich, snobby people so she is not hurt by them, maybe L. will ‘make it’ and become one of them so not get hurt, my cousin thinks she and her daughter are superior to me and my daughter.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and of me of seeing my ex-mother-in-law on a visitor’s day at L.’s summer camp. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/have the following thought pattern exist within and as me, ‘I hate that I cannot afford to pay for L’s camp. Why does she have to go here anyway? I could afford a city camp, possibly free but then it is not nearly as nice/beautiful country surroundings, I went to this camp as a child and basically loved it. Except for the Christian brainwashing it was an awesome 6 year experience for me, my parents had money and sent 4 of their children to this camp, I am such failure and loser, I should have married a doctor like my Dad was, my ex-mother-in-law is disgusted that we (myself and my ex-husband/her son) cannot afford to pay for L’s camp, so then why do they not let me send her somewhere I can afford, some of the city camps are free! Because it would be shit, they are snobs and think ‘we’re not sending our grandkids to some crap inner city camp when we can afford to send them to an exclusive Muskoka camp, our grandkids deserve the best’ Yeah, no shit, oh well, I think they deserve the crap inner city camp, I fucking hate my ex-laws and the snobby bother and his wife. I have no control, they have money so control much of L’s life. I hate that and hate them for being so insensitive to me and my feelings and financial situation. Fuck, money makes things move, it’s so easy for them, mostly my ex-mom-in-law to just write a cheque and instantly L’s summer (or half of it) is controlled by her. I have to plan/investigate/feel guilt and shame and manipulate and borrow and work and still don’t have enough for that fucking camp.
I commit myself to stop and breathe each time I think this exercise is too hard/painful/depressing and I find an excuse to put it off / fall into resistance. I commit to stop and breathe each time I think I am too old, there is too much shit, as in accumulated memories, as and within me to get through this process and think that my blogs are not cool like some other people ‘s in process are, they are drudgery and boring so the others in this process, will not like me/accept me. So I stop and I breathe, I remind myself there are many, many people who will walk their process of birthing themselves as life in the physical, who are in their 40’s and 50’s and older, who will require support and assistance and if I give up, I am giving up on them as well, as we are one and equal. I remind myself it is a process and to be patient and kind with myself.
Thus, I commit, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self corrective application to assist and support me to be aware of each breath, here, out of my mind and therefore aware of each thought that arises and to stop all such- thoughts/memories/pictures in my mind/inner conversation/backchat/emotions/feelings/judgments of me or others/opinions of situations and people- the moment they arise and I bring myself back to the physical, until it is done/I am clear/it no longer exists within and as me. This, so I may stand and walk in this world as life and not a slave to the mind as energy, an energy machine/robot that, unaware, consumes ( the consumer) energy, as it eats away at my human physical body (aging) and is eating away the physical earth (deforestation/fracking/pollution/depleting and polluting the oceans). This eating away for the ‘reward’ of me as negative/neutral/positive energy experience which I relate to as experiences in ‘my life’ ,the story of Sandy born xx died xx.
I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self corrective application to assist and support me to stop and breathe whenever thoughts arise within and as me in the form of pictures/memories/inner conversation/backchat/emotions/feelings/judgements/opinions of my ex-in-laws, the camp itself, visitor days. In this, I commit to myself to remind myself it does not support anyone and is a waste of my time to stay with the thoughts but to bring myself back to the physical, out of my mind of illusion, so as not to engage in the negative energy that is created and thus not have that energy change to neutral and then positive energy, as I manipulate myself with more thoughts that justify/validate my accepted personality to make myself ‘feel better’ as to why I am right and they are wrong, as in this I am merely participating in the mind consciousness system design of polarities; better than/less than, wrong/right, good/bad, rich/poor as I become indignant and then pacified in my justifications, as it only harms myself, my physicality and programs myself/my physical even further to time loop (have to face this point of jealousy/anger again and again) infinitly and remain as a slave to my mind consciousness systems (unconscious/subconscious/conscious mind) going round and round and not stand stable as life, here, with what is real.
In that, I commit myself to the Desteni I Process, a process of birthing ones self as life in/from the physical, through writing, self-forgiveness, and self corrective application, whereby I walk through my mind so that I am, breath by breath, aware of all thoughts in/within my unconscious/subconscious/conscious mind (and therefore in my human physical body) and no longer sleep walking my way through this life, so I may become life itself, for real, and eventually assist and support others in this process so all may live in/within ‘best for all’ principals on earth, no longer just surviving according to self-interest but with the interest of all as equal.
In this, I commit to myself to remind myself that remaining here with breath in awareness is the solution as what is best for all life, my ex-in-laws as one and equal to myself, so I no longer continue adding to the chaos of the world, as it exist in and as spite and blame but take full responsibility of/as me as life here on earth, one and equal to all that exist.