Today I am facing me as the Mom of L. with all the years of memories going up to her grandparents ski chalet. I went up there for 10 years before L. was born and then separated from her Dad when she was about 3 and a half years old but my children continued to go there and still to this day go a few times per year. It is in the country about 2.5 hours north of the large city we are from, very exclusive, private ski club. Costs a fortune to join and keep up your membership, let alone just pay to get there each weekend (gas), keep up the ski fashion, equipment, etc. La Tee Da. Would be amusing but people are starving to death as I write this blog, in fact 16,000 children will DIE today as a result of starvation!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and as me of being pregnant with L. at the chalet and going for a evening walk through the valley and farm lands and having the following thought pattern: I love it here, it is so beautiful and peaceful, walking is good to help keep me slim during pregnancy, M. (my ex-husband) wouldn’t like a fat wife, he may cheat and leave me, his mom is slim and pretty and his dad did not leave, well she is rich and did not have to work so could go to a fancy fitness club and tennis club , like my Mom, so no wonder she is skinny and she has no stress! I should have married someone who makes money/is more stable, x and I can’t keep up with this wealthy lifestyle, even the gas to get here is a lot, and we can’t afford the expensive liquor that his sister in law brings and I enjoy so much, like a liquid chocolate bar, I can’t resist indulging in it when I come up and then feel so guilty because I go to buy it/replace it/take my turn and it is $30!! WTF (Note: that was 23 years ago, I can’t afford it now either, at that price, but I believe it is $60 for the small size today, lol, I don’t drink alcohol now, regardless). Yeah, it’s nice there, no kidding, beautiful ski chalet (many are huge mansions) wealth/money dripping everywhere, but I could go for a walk and enjoy the trees/sunset/sky anywhere. There is so much pressure on us to be like them, we want to be but just don’t make that kind of money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and as me of christmas at the chalet when L. was a baby and thinking: It is so perfect having christmas here, it is so easy with tons of money to make everything pretty, my mom-in-law wraps the presents the way I would want to because she has the time and money/no stress and can shop early! She buys tons of awesome food/treats/fruits/gifts. I hate how my ex-sister-in-law would call in November, fucking November, asking, ‘what do the kids want for christmas, beautiful?’ so fucking condescending. I can’t keep up with christmas, I want to be generous and organized but it’s so expensive and we just don’t have the money, how dare my mother-in-law suggest/say christmas gifts should be spontaneous gestures and not what you need-as I would make a list of things my children needed (after x and I were separated ) and I would encourage my kids to do this as they got older, and let people know what they needed. That is a stupid luxury of the rich to say you shouldn’t make a chore out of christmas, it should just be light/fun shopping and not have to ‘worry’ about getting someone something they need. She is so fucking spoiled and insensitive. I don’t understand the point of christmas anyway, it is just an excuse to indulge in consumerism, shop and focus on frivolous shit, for the rich (it is enjoyable to gather with people and share a gift/meal/game).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and as me of finding out my ex did not get any ownership of the chalet and it was all given to my ex-brother-in-law , this is substantial because it is a $800,000 piece of property. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a picture of the chalet and my ex’s family in my mind and to be directed by the emotions of anger, inferiority, hatred, jealousy, envy, shock, sadness within the following thought pattern: How fucking dare they give the chalet to my brother-in-law just because he could afford to carry it (pay the bills monthly) and my ex did physical labor up there at that chalet for 30 years with his Dad and we went up almost every weekend to enjoy skiing and do the family thing and assist them, and his brother did nothing and rarely came up, my ex did not do this so he would inherit it but trusted he would inherit half (the transfer of the property ownership was meant to assist the grandparents financially, not that they needed the help as they are very wealthy by the world’s standards) and it was said, ‘oh don’t worry its just paper L. will still be able to come her whole life and ski here and be welcome here, everything is the same (they also have a cottage that supposedly will be passed onto my ex but it is worth about half or less). I know that is bullshit, so much for their love, it is all about money, period. So the snotty sister-in-law and niece were now the owners and it did not take long to see their true colors. My ex-mother-in-law encouraged this idea of how important it is to let other relatives know who the owner is, so they did, and the niece complained and complained when L. was there that she was not doing enough housework/cleaning up/contributing to groceries (they had all been going up since they were babies and never had to do much of anything before). I know L. and she is the opposite of this, she is extra careful, even obsessive about doing the right thing and people pleasing so this niece was just wanting to exert her ‘power’ and show who is boss now and who is the ‘owner’. I am proud of L. to stick up for herself and tell the family she will not be going up anymore. The brother in law comes to the rescue to smooth over the evil behavior of these 3 women, so L. will continue going up to the chalet so as not to ‘hurt grandma’s feelings’. Interesting no one seemed to care about hurting L. With them, family=money=god, period. Note: L. has a plan, and her own car, to leave if ever/whenever she is verbally/emotionally abused again by any person at the chalet.
I commit myself to stop myself whenever I have a thought about walking in the countryside when I was pregnant with L, at the ski chalet. In that, I commit myself to remind myself that these are thoughts/feelings/emotions-anger, jealousy,regret, love, warmth, envy, etc./memories that are programmed into me and I do not have to follow/engage in one thought which leads to another and another and then I am lost and indeed controlled by my mind. Instead, I stop and breathe, and bring myself out of my mind of illusion and back to the physical reality and remain aware of my body and surroundings, as what is life, here. I commit myself to not live as energy (the negative energy that is created from the experience of the past as in memories/pictures in my mind/opinions/judgements of myself or others, then neutral and then positive energy as I justify how I am better than them in spitefulness) but realize/understand that we are all one and equal as substance manifest here on earth and only by remaining here in awareness with breath, can I support and assist myself (and eventually others) to birth myself as life in the physical. I remind myself to be patient and gentle and stable in/within my process of walking these points.
I commit myself to stop myself and face myself in self-honestly, whenever I have thoughts arise about christmas at the chalet when L. was young and the years when I was no longer there with her, but she went with her Dad. I commit myself to immediately bring myself out of my head and back down to earth, with breath, and remain aware of my physicality and where I am for real and not get lost in an illusion of thoughts leading to other thought bringing up emotions which can harm me, as it is a waste of my time and, in fact does nothing to change the past experience. I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to exist as this energy of pictures/emotions/memories and remind myself that this is not life but a program which exist within and as me (my mind and my human physical body) and remind myself that these thoughts turn into energy and this energy depletes/uses/eats away at my flesh until I am existent no longer. I commit to continue facing myself, remain here with my human physical body and slow down my thinking with breath to create stability, calmness, strength as and within myself until I fully see/realize/understand what I have allowed myself to become and what /who I want to become, for all that is here on earth, and in existence in it’s totality, so all may live a beautiful life, not just some lucky/wealthy ones, in equality, through the implementation of an Equal Money System.
I commit myself to stop myself whenever a memory arises, within and as me, of the evil behavior of my ex-in-laws at the chalet toward L. I remind myself that L. and I have spoken at length about this and she is clear she does not want to treated that way, abused, and will leave if it occurs again and that she also has a home close by now that she can go to (and my son if necessary) and a car so they do not have to spend the night there any longer. I commit myself to remind myself that I do not have to act as L’s protector/fear for her as she is an adult now and capable and although she sometimes minimizes the situation to herself, she does realize how money influences her extended family but it is ‘sad’ for her and she doesn’t want to think about it all the time. In that I commit to continue to show/expose the truth about family love and how it is a lie and that it is actually about money/money which is the love object, which has been made a god here on earth, as it has all the power to say who has abundance and who has desolation, who is abused and who is exempt from abuse, who has ownership of property and who can be discarded or/and tossed out. I commit myself to stop all inner conversation/backchat/anger-emotion/pictures/memories about the chalet and this incident (it was a group of incidents actually, occurred many times) the moment they arise and remain in breath awareness as what is best for all life and continue on with the task at hand, as a group of us work online, one breath at the time, toward an Equal Money System here on earth, so all may have a dignified life, human/plant/animal!