Day 15: Walking Responsibility for Blame and Suppression 2

Today I continue walking the point of facing and taking full responsibility for, the blame I have placed on others,  specifically here, in regards to memories around the ski chalet my children went up to as they were growing up and my ex`s family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or be aware of the backchat/internal conversation,  thoughts, feelings and emotions, that pop up in my mind,  that go unnoticed by me, as I go about my day.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been suppressing reactions of memories and people that validate/justify my blame.

Memory: Christmas At the Chalet

Suppression of reaction of memory & people:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hate those fucking hypocrites  (ex,his parents, his brother and wife) for saying over and over again,you are part of our family now, we love you and putting up with all their extravagance, wealth in my face they have tons of money so why don`t they offer to help me and the kids, I have no money to buy them presents and then they get whisked off to the fucking chalet to wonder santa land and look so great. How sick to dump me like garbage , no longer part of the family `cause their son/ brother couldn’t be a responsible husband and parent. I hate them for that, how low and deceptive, I wonder when they’ll deceive L and my son. I dont’ trust them. Oh, yeah, they did deceive them already twice, just like with me , they say oh we love you you`re one of us then turn around and betray you ALL BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY AND WE DON`T . They gave the million dollar chalet to the brother and other grandchild and not them, then had the nerve to let the other grandchild stick her snotty nose in the air at them and say, ‘you’re not helping out enough’ and much more than I can type here, the way she treated them, I did warn L. and my son they were like this, how they deserted me when their son/brother abandoned/left me when the kids were 1 and 3 (lost all our money first).  They could have assisted me and the kids greatly by just saying here is 100 or 200,000, this is not alot of money to them. We know our son left you penniless and we said we love you and you are still one of the family, we told you to call us mom and dad and we still love you so we are giving this to you to help you! That would have changed our lives dramatically! NO, FAMILY LOYALTY and MONEY is the fucking real god real love here.I swear it nearly killed me. In a new, equal money, society people/parents will not be dumped and ignored and treated the same, consistantly and not denied what they need to provide for themselves and their children, just because of divorce.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think what a fool I was to think I knew what my future was, christmas’s at the chalet with my children, skiing with them over the school break, partying with friends, more security as we grew older. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and be directed by guilt in thinking I should have stayed in the marriage because my ex-husband is too irresponsible to protect our children from getting ‘ripped off’/he is not capable of looking out for their best interest (his brother and sister-in-law are both very suave business people and ex-husband is more naive/trusting)  and because I wasn’t around to be the responsible one, he lost the opportunity to inherit/be given the chalet and my kids lost a place to go to ski when they were young adults and the substantial money it represents with ownership.

 they did wrong to me, and therefore I am right to blame:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think my ex/his parents/his brother and sister-in-law were wrong/in the wrong for taking the kids every winter weekend and over the christmas break all the years my children were growing up and giving them lots of gifts when I could not afford to do the same, for not financially assisting me more when they could clearly afford it , for giving the chalet to the other son and his family, for basically rejecting me as a family member because of divorce.  In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefore blame them, and think that I am right to blame them, for my being a single parent for almost all of the years L and my son were growing up, blame them for the stress building , as I had no money and very little financial or emotional support from anyone, and then blame them for going crazy (insane) and then, subsequently, blame them for becoming an alcoholic and facing years of basic poverty .

I realize my ex did pay decent child support most of the years the kids were growing up, his family helped a little financially (with loans only, I still owe them), my ex-mother-in-law did invite me up north eventually and apologize and said to still call her mom. I realize I could have gotten a better paying job, ‘believed’ in myself and stood on my own two feet instead of playing the ‘poor single mother’ role. I realize I was mentally unstable and lacked any true self-esteem and fell into listening to my mind and trying to be a singer/songwriter. I realize I still managed to give my children much love and kindness and appropriate firmness as a responsible parent on my own. I realize I did manage somewhat to make ends meet and my ex’s parents helped with (along with my parents) a down payment so I could buy a home for the kids, as they could see I was the more stable consistent parent , not their son so it was best for their grandchildren. I realize they do love the children and have given them much kindness over the years.  I realize my dream of being successful songwriter was not reality (takes money to promote music and more talent/skill than I had but it was ‘fun’ and this was selfish /based in self-interest as ego as giving me an identity and  dreams of money/fame/love/praise from others, what I could not give myself. I realize I made those choices not other people, I chose to stay home (made money from home) and not go out and if I had I may have met someone to marry and built a life that way, that would have would have created financial stability for me and the kids. I realize I chose to not get medical help (for fear of losing custody of my children and shame/used to hiding and secrets) when I went insane , and I chose to use alcohol to medicate myself. They did not go to the liquor store and open the bottle and pour it down my throat all those hundreds of days that I took that inevitable walk/drive. It was my doing and my responsibility for my life, no one else’s.

I commit myself to the decision to live my life in complete here awareness with each breath and to  stop all such thoughts as backchat/internal conversations of blame/seeing myself as a helpless victim/polarity thinking of right and wrong that I have been unaware of , the moment it arises, until it is done/no longer exists within and as me, within my physical human body and my mind.

I commit myself to breathe through the first thought and not follow the train of thoughts that ensue and/or to stop the thought when it arises, to say aloud ‘stop’ and focus on breath to remain in my body and aware of all that is going on within me. I commit to remind myself I did not/could not use my voice as I am able to today and speak self-honestly and could not move myself as the directive and responsible principal of life, as I am starting to now, so could not properly assess my situation/environment or figure out employment or get help for the mental problems I was experiencing, adequately. I remind myself my ex, his mom and sister-in-law were/are also in their own process of self and I cannot blame or change them but can stand as a living example today, of what it is to live the principals of ‘best for all life‘.

I commit myself, through writing , self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to no longer accept and allow myself to blame others as in being directed/influenced by the emotional energy of anger/jealousy/hatred/fear towards another instead of facing what is inside of myself.  I realize my ex, his mom and sister-in-law did the best they could at the time within their understanding of themselves/life/love and blaming does not in fact change the past but in fact harms me, L. , my son, my x and his family. I realize I am completely responsible for what goes on inside of me, what happens in my  life and that I am one and equal to my ex-mother/father-in-law, my ex-husband and my ex-brother/sister-in-law as life, here on earth. I also realize and remind myself there was lots of good times together and kindness shared.

I commit myself, through writing , self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to no longer accept and allow myself to use any outside substance (food/drug) to avoid my life/me and commit to face my fears/emotions and walk through them, as they arise. in the moment, and face my fear of rejection/loss as what others will think of me as I only control/direct myself and do not need to judge/control others.

I commit myself to express myself in a way that is best for all life, as I become the living word and to do all I am able to, to implement an equal money system on earth, and to work toward this goal, breath by breath, until it is done.

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