Day 16: Self-Forgiveness on Spirituality As Mind Possession

Today I am interrupting the walking of my personalities to do self-forgiveness on my mind possession of spirituality.

I started a ‘relationship’ with my mind, as a possession of/as a ‘higher power’ communicating with me when I was about 33 years old. My marriage was breaking apart and I was devastated, as I had 2 young children. I prayed in earnest and was shocked when I heard an answer/reply, which was my mind speaking to me but I did not understand this and  I interpreted it as god/a higher realm .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I did not need to seek/look outside of myself for a solution as a higher meaning/purpose for my existence and experience I was facing. In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this experience/reality was too painful to walk through, as my husband leaving me, because he did not like his role of family man/breadwinner and the responsibility and day in and day out struggle it entailed.  In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also think I needed to escape the situation for what it was, a breaking down marriage, or control it by stopping him from leaving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was hearing my own mind in speaking to me during the night, in dreams and in music and lyrics in my head/mind and in that thinking I was special , it was important that I rise above this situation because I had accessed the higher realm and could write music, love songs and win him back and make money for our family and essentially, save the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself record melodies and lyrics with a tape recorder, each morning for years, believing the communication to be special and that it would help me/my children and the world one day, writing love songs, inspirational songs, and songs of  god, love and light and goodness when reality shows this world is not full of love but full of war, abuse, lies, greed, destruction but, as with my small world within, I wanted to wear blinders, with regard to the world in it’s entirely as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was doing the opposite of empowering myself , I was going inward more and more, into my own mind and writing more and more music, faster and faster, becoming more isolated and delusional in thinking my husband would not leave me, not living in reality, with my feet planted firmly on the ground and my eyes open, and breathing here in awareness, but was lost and possessed by worry, fear, anguish, for my future and my children’s future and lost in my  mind of hoping and praying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my ego and listening to my mind of self-interest and think that I was special and talented and should pursue music as a career, when this was obviously delusional as I was 33 years old when I started to write and sing and play an instrument and it was much too big/difficult a jump from no music (very little, piano lessons as  a child) to thinking I could earn income from selling songs in a hugely competitive market just on ‘belief’ ‘positive thinking ‘ ‘against all odds’ because the universe/great spirit is ‘on my side’ the side of the little guy, who this spirit loves and it is my lesson to learn and then, share with the world, that we can overcome all hardship, overcome strife, poverty, when again , this is delusional because I had numerous advantages, living where I did, that millions in the world do not have and they cannot ‘overcome’ any of their hardships because they have no money and no hope for money in their future. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a fantasy world of self-interest and poor me, my life did not work out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that all the spiritual books bought and read did nothing to practically assist me and my children but put money in the guru author’s pocket/added to another brick in his/her next mansion. In that,  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind further interpret these books by sending me messages (I thought the communication was like sending me personal messages) in dreams and first thing when I awoke in the morning and I would contemplate this information from my mind and often make it into lyrics and write a song about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I needed to get a job, get out of the house and not obsess my mind but be part of the real world to make income to support my family. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was not/am not special but am equal, in every way, to every human being, as the human physical body/substance here on earth and to stay with what is here is not painful or difficult but that it is the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions /memories/ideas/beliefs that makes it so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my own thoughts to such an extent that one day the dream/night experience melded into and as the day experience  and I could ‘hear’ (inside my mind) the mind chatter/internal conversation all the time (I could ‘talk’ to it and it would answer back), I could not stop it and it drove me to insanity, as I could not control/distinguish thoughts so they went on and on…’you are Jesus, you can heal people, don’t listen to me, this is hell, you can do anything, we are aliens, you should kill yourself, say goodbye to your children….’ In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to frighten myself and diminish my very beingness to the extent that I thought I was broken beyond repair and did not deserve to get assistance and I should ‘end’ myself as in kill my very human physical body and leave my children and not even be very sad about this, as I was so confused and just afraid to be ‘found out’ as I knew I was insane.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care about my very life, my existence here in the physical reality to such an extent I was considering death as an alternative because I was embarrassed at what I had done to myself more than I cared about my very life!

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the several mystical experiences (unexplainable occurrences) were not god/spirit as in something more powerful/greater than me but came from me (but are useless as they are inconsistent and I cannot predict accurately the outcome so I don’t fuck around with what I do not understand absolutely) and in that I bowed down in fear/submitted to inferiority and said to myself ‘I am broken’ (not completely as I kinda thought something wasn’t right here and this mind experience bent my belief in this higher power but then I did not know what to believe).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize , at that point, that it was my own mind speaking to me and I did not need to be afraid but to stand and walk with breath, out of the mind, was all I needed to do. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware enough to remain with the thing that was indeed supporting and assisting me, which was meditation/breathing, but was influenced by ego , the need to hide this shame of ‘going mad’ and paranoia ‘they will take my children away’ and reached for a quick and easy solution.  In that ,I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for choosing to medicate myself with alcohol instead of seeking medical attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize it would be ten years until I could stop the use of alcoholic drinking  and another 7 years to stop the use of a sleeping aid, as even though my mind was back to ‘normal’ these substances are addictive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to listen for my special messages from  this now questionable higher power–intelligent source I redefined it , even though I did understand something was not right about the mind, as in the design of the mind, and it made me angry for what I went through and millions of others have gone through and millions of others who will have trouble with the mind in the future. The mind can so easily get fucked up, many people kill themselves, I know 2 who hanged themselves (not close friends but heard through the grapevine) because they heard voices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to now consider this force -if not benevolent anymore-creative/interesting and to believe it cared about me as in wanted me/guided me to get sex/money/attention/fun and I was intrigued and curious about it still,  even though I did not buy into the ‘I’m special and will be successful and share with the world’ love and light stuff, as much, lol, I still did somewhat. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependent/addicted to this internal guidance and trust it still somewhat instead of trusting myself here, as in the physical, a physical being on earth, with what I could see and touch as reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize it was the deliberate design of the mind ,as in how the conscious/subconscious/unconscious mind is designed, and I was unwise to delve into an area of myself, as my design as a mind/physical being, that I knew nothing about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this communication was separate from me, separating myself from myself as my mind consciousness system, making me less than a force that perhaps knew more, had more knowledge and information and therefore was superior to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my ‘spiritual guidance’ each morning for years trying to do whatever my mind/subconscious mind told me to and follow my dreams in the same vain. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful of my dreams/messages and often frightened and worry incessantly about a dream, create much anxiety within me , harm my physicality by concerning myself with dream interpretation versus taking practical physical action to improve my and my children’s lives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my mind = higher power and emotions and feelings and get involved in a long, sick, abusive ‘relationship’ with another musician. In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I loved him, we were soul mates, meant to be together , let him use me sexually for several years and see me only for sex and let myself be treated like a prostitute.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen and record song after song and be completely delusional and send him songs in the mail. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think he will change his mind eventually and love me and commit to me, I just needed to be perfect, pretty, sexy, write great love songs, happy, interesting, informed, give him sex, not call him in between meaning ask for no friendship/companionship whatsoever. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question what kind of a loving guide my higher power was, to lead me down this abusive path.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have these memories of this abusive relationship exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to a inner voice to guide me to be with someone because he was sexy, had a sexy voice, played the piano, was handsome. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess this man to such an extent by ‘listening’ for my messages-from my subconscious- that  I thought was a ‘higher force’ ‘spirit’ greater than I, I eventually could not distinguish one day between my sub-conscious mind and conscious mind and thought continually, faster and faster until it was out of control and I almost could not stop it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so messed/confused/sick I could not sleep so medicated myself with alcohol and subsequently became an alcoholic. In that,  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seriously consider suicide (as the voices told me to, it would be best for all concerned) because of the supposed love of a man who ignored me 24-7 except a few hours each month, which was just energy addiction/sex and not love/respect, one human being to another.

In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my mind, think my mind knew more than me and for not being capable of loving, valuing myself, as life, as equal, here. *Note, I did not consider suicide because this man did not love me but because of my obsession with him which led to the insanity.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced/directed by emotions and feelings of curiosity, intrigue, excitement, pride, flattered, self-importance to think, ‘whatever this power is, is greater than I, so I will listen’, just because the mind possessed knowledge and information and was clever (good for songwriting), intuitive, knew me (duh it is/was my mind) and I became quite good at predicting future events, people who were going to call me, opportunities, but it never helped out that much to change my life for the better significantly, so wtf good was it?

In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I did not have to do something to be valuable, prove it to a man or myself, become something I was currently not, write more songs, write a hit song, get more money, property, clothing, etc., superficial shit so I was good enough for a man to want me. In that,  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider wanting to know myself, have an intimate relationship with myself /love me, before considering a relationship with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that writing more songs each day did nothing, contributed nothing of value, to me or my family or the world and was just ego and waste of time and of life, lost in a dreamworld, fantasy of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realize I have been holding onto/suppressing the experience of blame around this musician, he wronged me therefore, I am right to blame him for losing my mind, going insane (because of my obsession with him), almost killing myself, becoming an alcoholic, not going back to work, being basically poor all the years my children were growing up, not getting married again therefore losing an opportunity to get some financial security (not that I thought it was the only way).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize who I was myself, to disregard myself to the point that I almost threw myself out like garbage (which I have judged others as doing to me), I gladly gave up the control of my very day to day life (the direction and common sense of my life) to be told what to do by a voice inside my head, dreams, inspirations. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even consider in common sense my past, what I was capable of at the time, my talents, my education, my real skills, how much money I had, what predicament I was in being a single parent, what would be best for my children at the time, how I should take time to heal the emotional pain of the marriage breakup, seek mental support and assistance, slow down, get a job that would be good in the long run, not date or have sex for 6mo. to 1 year, speak to both sets of grandparents sensibly about housing and a loan.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I went from being possessed by my husband (obsessing him) to being possessed by my mind (higher power, spirit, god) I just transferred my dependency over to a voice in my head and assumed this voice would take care of me as I thought my husband would . In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was capable of taking care of myself , I was capable and deserving to give love to myself and not seek it outside of myself where it can never be found and for not realizing I am one and equal to these men I had relationships with.

In that,  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume this voice had my best interest in mind with pursuing songwriting, pursuing this musician and not look at it in common sense way, and not realizing it was appealing to my ego and I went with my ego instead of a real self-love, self-respect and not let money and men continue to push me around by being poor, not self-sufficient. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realize I have been holding onto/suppressing the experience of blame, blaming others and circumstances for my life experiences and not standing in/as self-responsibility for my actions in this life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I was suppose to reach for the sky, go for it big, as in life’s biggest and best experiences, crazy, over-the-top passionate love affairs, become rich and famous for me and my children, and to give to charity so I could share the bullshit, universal, all powerful, spiritual love message, which was and is total fantasy, as the world is full of suffering and millions starving to death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself get sicker and sicker as the years went on with no success in music as I did not like or work at marketing, I did not have a team and of people and money behind me, I was drinking more and more and did not have a wide enough range of talent and ability to record and market music (or computer skills) to succeed on my own, and to sometimes see and understand this but then follow the guidance of this inner voice again, thinking romantically, I should not give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I did not need to be thought of/treated as special, and for having such a low opinion of myself as needing confirmation from an outside source that I was special and I had value, so I could get out of bed one more day. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I did not have to have an opinion of myself, a definition of myself as in a box, a personality with talents and hobbies to make me describable with experiences and accomplishments, to define who I am and prove to myself and others I am alive, I have a life, this is my story, I have traits, beliefs, a faith, a dream, therefore, this is who I am.

To Be Continued:

Day 16: Self-Forgiveness Statements

Day 17: Realizations and Solution

Self-Commitment Statements

Advertisements

One thought on “Day 16: Self-Forgiveness on Spirituality As Mind Possession

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s