Day 17: Self-Forgiveness on Spirituality as Mind Possession 2

I am continuing with SF after I got sober, so eight years ago, in relation to spirituality as mind possession!

Note: Alcoholics Anonymous (AA ) was an awesome first step. It supports millions on their journey to sobriety and for that I am grateful!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that it was not a higher power (as AA asks you to believe in) that removed my obsession to drink but that it was abstinence from the substance of alcohol itself, for a 21 day period, so that the alcohol had left my physical body/system and therefore, I no longer physically craved it. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize it was my own acceptance/allowance/commitment to myself, to not drink anymore and attend meetings, that was my process of change, back to health, and not a outside force/higher power who had finally answered my prayers because I had joined AA.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think faith was the way to go, as in new higher power within AA. and to think this new AA higher power was leading me, as in things are meant to be this way, and that this higher power was loving and all powerful. In that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was putting my trust into a AA sponsor’s advice, to not question my experience with my mind (as in hearing voices/going insane) because I was so relieved I survived/lived through everything and my kids were ok and our relationship was ok. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I could trust myself, as me here, with each moment of breath in the physical, instead of, as this sponsor suggested, ‘trust God‘.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was not trusting myself or acting responsibly and directing myself in fact, but allowing myself to be directed by another person, my AA sponsor (I had only changed my mind possession from alcohol and a very confused idea of a higher power, as my old masters, to a AA sponsor/AA as a whole and a new idea of a higher power, as my new masters).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I thought I was special to be able to hear this higher power and not realize or deny that it was the mind/sub-conscious that AA  was directing people towards as a savior/solution to alcoholism to guide/lead/direct them to a better life, and all these other new members of AA were waiting for their ‘spiritual experience’ but I had a direct link.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I thought I was special/different than these other alcoholics because I drank on purpose, as in to stop the noise in my head all those years ago, and not because I lacked will power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I believed AA and the 12 steps they suggest, were the solution for alcoholism (any addiction) which strongly suggests reliance on the mind, as in a higher power, and this just transfers the possession of alcohol to the possession of god/spirituality and one does not become self-directive in their life but is dependent on an outside entity, for a daily cure/reprieve to alcohol/drugs/etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I put aside/did not consider all the millions suffering on earth, except in airy fairy charity way, and just focused on AA and myself and my higher power for about 6 years before I found Desteni online.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was still, in fact, in a mind possession of spirituality, with relying on the AA idea of a higher power, and I continued to let my mind confuse me/direct my life/actions in thinking it was important for me to make alot of money by starting a residential renovation business or sell real estate or write a hit song, instead of a common sense solution/job for income. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, as I tried all of the above but did not have the financial backing to make any of these egotistical ideas a reality, I continually had to borrow from relatives and bug my ex-husband for financial support (above child support).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and not trust my own common sense, and  once again listen/follow my mind/higher power’s guidance in relation to needing to impress others or a potential mate with the amount of money I had/was earning but that I needed to earn a stable income for myself and my children and that is all and it does not define who I am if I earn a modest income and create stability, I do not require ego, in that I am special, important , look how much money I have/make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I did not need to pray, ask someone else/something outside of myself about a potential partner/husband and follow supposed signs, as in dreams/songs that come up in my mind I thought were messages from a eternal power/coincidences I read as signs from god as important, giving guidance whether I should marry my husband or not , warnings about marring him, so that I was quite terrified of marrying him (second marriage, yikes) and nearly called it off, when after 5 years of marriage, not perfect, but it is a very enjoyable, supportive union.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I did not have to continue writing music to supposed inspire people to get sober, impress people in AA so they like me/I am popular to feed my own ego/insecurity, I did not have to let this ‘higher power’ /sub/unconscious mind communication bully me /suggest it is my duty/who I am and who I am suppose to be rich,successful, famous and it is ok to want these things and still write a song for charity and give a little money-you’ll look good to others. In that , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I do not have to record lyrics or melodies into a tape recorder in the morning, when I wake up or throughout the day when I hear original music in my head and I do not have to, again, let myself be bullied into starting to do this over and over again, each time I decided not to, because I was frightened by this power greater than I bullshit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that music I receive in my mind is not some important sign or calling of a divine nature, it is just information from sub-conscious mind, which is programmed within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I can write music and lyrics for fun and to share for free with others and jam with my friends for enjoyment, at my leisure and make up melodies and lyrics in the moment, out of my mind, and it is still fun and easy for me, although I am not used to it I can enjoy the process of going slow and improving over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that, all I needed to do to heal myself was to stay out of my mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions/memories/picture/internal conversations and walk, moment by moment, with breath, in awareness of my being/physical, and to forgive any thoughts as in dreams/messages/pictures I remembered in the morning and not contemplate them/obsess them/read into them/think they are ‘signs’ of importance/divinity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that ‘signs’ from heaven/god/the great universal spirit as in someone calling you on the phone/coincidences, running into to someone/something you see on tv or a movie/a song playing in a shopping mall, is not happening to tell me something important, like a fucking mystery/puzzle I was to figure out and I should not question, and to not realize all it (these supposed signs) did was keep me preoccupied so I did not see the reality of my world, as in people suffering, dying by the millions, children crying at my feet and I ignored them and passed them by, because of self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I was being directed/controlled by my very manipulative mind which used my ego and flattery as in , after I put together a song from pieces of melody and lyrics *which people refer to as ‘inspiration’, I would get an image/vision in my mind, when I went to bed, of  for example Albert Einstein… so oh, good this higher power source is pleased with me and not realize it was just another authority figure I was fearful of, if instead I received a frightening image or dream, ie. poverty and abandonment, I would think I should work harder, write more, better. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was in complete mind control, possession.

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