Day 22: Character: The Worrier

I have noticed an increasing discomfort, like an internal battle, in reaction to thoughts concerning specific areas of my life; money, health, family responsibilities, school responsibilities, and work responsibilites,  where I am in continuous conflict/friction, building throughout the day, which is causing /bringing up worry/anxity/stress/ fear which,  in turn, is harming my physical body/creating/manifesting ; tightness in chest, constricting throat, shortness of breath.

thought–>reaction: emotion of worry–>harms my physical body

This is no longer acceptable to me, therefore I will here, examine these thoughts head on,where my mind is running in circles with no final solution/resolution, TO CHANGE THIS PATTERN.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to not realize, I have become the worrier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, as the worrier, I am in my mind of thoughts and have forgotten to use breath, as in here awareness, to direct myself in each moment as who I am, and thus, have abdicated my responsibility as life and am stuck, in stupidity loops, with the same thoughts going round and round in my mind, controlling me and my day, creating conflict in my body through stress/anxiety/fear/worry, harming my physicality, and wasting my time.

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier,  think ‘We do not have enough money to pay the property tax bill again this month, they are gonna come knockin’.  And we are so behind on our utility bills and M wants to go on his men’s fishing weekend soon, good luck. He won’t be happy.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier,  think, ‘I should buy muffins, tomatoes and parmasan cheese but I do not have enough money. The students (foreign students staying with us this summer, for income) may want it for the pasta tonight. How could I spend over $100 dollars on groceries and not get everything? Why don’t I just forget it, there is enough. Just like with my kids, I don’t like to disappoint, I’ll just go get it. I’m running out of time. Now I have to go to the store…’

I commit myself to, moment by moment, self awareness and to stop and breathe each time I realize I have left that awareness and have become instead the very manifestation of worry, as I now see , realize /understand it is a waste of my time, does not change the facts/physical reality but just creates anxiety/stress, which harms my very physicality.

I commit myself to stop and inhale deeply and on the out breath, take the energies and move them through my body into my toes and return them to the earth/origin/source stating,  ‘Energies, no more! I return you to the earth, to origin, to source!’ I focus focus on the task at hand and carry on with my day, my head out the clouds/mind of illusion and back down to earth/reality.

I commit myself to, each time I find I have been unaware,  stand and say aloud ‘I decide in this moment to be stable with me as breath‘ and then I continue to walk my day. I remind myself to be gentle with myself as this -breath awareness -is new to me and I remind myself to be patient and carry on.

I commit myself to stop myself, as in the thoughts and emotional reactions of stress/anxiety/fear and breathe, each time I find I have become worry-equal and one with/as worry- because of participating in thoughts about paying the bills and then connecting it to M’s fishing trip as I now see/realize/understand that it is a complete waste of time, is illusion and not practical use of my day and solves nothing, but moving, as in doing/creating, does bring about change, so I change my approach from stress/worry in the mind to practical physical solutions.

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I begin to fret about dinner/groceries/having everything-everyone likes/wants and at the same time, worry about time as in ‘there is not enough time’,  I stop, I breathe,  I as now see/realize/understand reacting will only compromise me and in this make it impossible for me to effectively direct myself. I realize it is unrealistic to have everything all the time as we don’t have the money and it is unimportant. I bring myself back to earth/out of my mind and carry on with my day to participate in creating a world that is best for all, so all may have groceries, I remind myself my concerns are tiny/nothing compared to most and focus on the task at hand in equality and oneness to life-not illusion.

To Be Continued

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