Day 23: The Worrier: Money

I have noticed an increasing discomfort, like a battle within and as me (internal fight) in reaction to thoughts concerning specific areas of my life ( money, health, family responsibilities, school responsibilities, and work responsibilites)  where I am in continuous conflict/friction- building throughout the day, to thoughts which are creating worry/anxity/stress/ fear which are in turn, creating in my physical body ; tightness in chest, constricting throat, shortness of breath.

This is no longer acceptable to me, therefore I will here, examine these thoughts head on,where my mind is running in circles with no final solution/resolution TO CHANGE THIS PATTERN.

Con’t from July 16/12

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to not realize, I have become the worrier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘I hate it when it gets late and I havn’t done my blogging and all my School responsibilities, more stress as M will expect me to spend time with him this evening, go for a walk with the dog, watch the news, then the students will need me, shit I can’t get everything done I need to.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘He says there is no money, for gas, for me to visit my daughter and mother this weekend, f. that! I’ll find the money somewhere……It’s sad money pits us against each other, M might leave me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier think, ‘we could loose our house, where would we move to, M might dump me if we have to sell the house, so why don’t I just suck it up and play the little housewife so I don’t have to turn my life upside down again (second marriage) he loves living here, we will have to move to a neighborhood I don’t/he doesn’t like as it will not be as nice, oh god, I don’t want to start all over again by myself ,we need a basement apartment or it won’t be worth it, will there be rooms for the kids to come stay with us, what if it is old and ugly?  will I have money to renovate it /fix/decorate it the way I like? I’ll be miserable, I have no car so how would I get around if we have to more somewhere where there are no shops close? I will loose my income and have to start over with my daycare business, I’ll be isolated, we have to finish our renovation before we sell so where will we get the money? if we get re-financing to finish the renovation and then want to stay, our mortgage payments will be higher…’

In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier think, ‘We can’t go on like this, stress of being behind on property taxes, bills, not having extra for the odd dinner out, my husband to golf, something the children need (we have 3 young adult children, with us sometimes-come and go), etc? It causes conflicts/fights between me and my husband and wears on the marriage. M wants to stay and I think we should move, he thinks the value of the home will keep going up but I am afraid the market has topped out and will go down and we will in fact lose the money we have in it. Oh god, I am going to be poor again, if he leaves me I will be in the same situation I was in years ago, broke and alone. I don’t know the right decision. Well, we don’t have to face it today, lets just ignore it today. Why do we have to face this?  we are 50 now , it should be easy/relaxed time in our lives to enjoy, not such a bloody struggle.’

I commit myself to, moment by moment, self awareness and to stop and breathe each time I realize I have left that awareness and have become instead the very manifestation of worry, as I now see , realize /understand it is a waste of my time, does not change the facts/physical reality but just creates anxiety/stress, which harms my very physicality.

I commit myself to stop and inhale deeply and on the out breath, take the energies and move them through my body into my toes and return them to the earth/origin/source stating,  ‘Energies, no more! I return you to the earth, to origin, to source!  I decide in this moment to be stable with me as breath‘  then I focus on the task at hand and carry on with my day, my head out the clouds/mind of illusion and back down to earth/reality. I remind myself to be gentle with myself as this -breath awareness -is new to me and I remind myself to be patient and carry on.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a process of walking a daily self-corrective application, stop myself when/as thoughts arise or breathe through the thoughts (not participating in them/following them) whenever I think there is not enough time in the day to get my school responsibilities done before M gets home/students get home, as I now see/realize understand that I have until 10pm, in fact, to get my work done, as it does not need to be done at a certain hour and it does not support me, or change the facts, to go into a reaction of worry.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop myself from engaging in thoughts of worry about not being able to afford to visit my mom and/or daughter and connecting this to anger/fear/blame toward my husband, instead I breathe and commit to assist and support myself to find a solution to this point/moment, as I now see/realize/understand that reacting to it, will only compromise me and in this make it impossible for me to effectively direct myself.

I commit myself to whenever I go into survival mode/panic with several thoughts coming up about moving, to no longer accept and allow myself to participate/follow these thoughts but to instead,at the first thought, make the decision to stop, breathe in deep and on the out breath take the energies and move them through my body into my toes and return them to the earth, stating, ‘Energies no more! I return you to the earth, to origin, to source. I decide in this moment to be stable with me as breath” and then I walk, chin up, and carry on/focus on the task at hand.

I commit myself to, whenever I go into survival mode/panic with several thoughts coming up about NOT moving, stop all participation of following thoughts as in ; internal conversation, backchat, memories, pictures, opinions, judgements, blame of myself and others, and thus I breathe and take responsibility to find a solution out of my mind of stress/worry to a practical physical solution, as I now see/realize/understand I only compromise myself and do not direct myself effectively, but I am being controlled by my mind, if I engage in these thoughts.

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