Day 24: The Worrier: Thoughts about my children’s futures

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I have become the worrier/one and equal to the manifestation of worry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘OMG, how will my son be able to afford to live on his own one day, afford rent and eventually own a home? Prices have skyrocketed!  How will he afford to get married and have children one day? He’s not going back to school in September, he better go, like he said, in January. He can’t build a decent life on $10/hour (minimum wage) working in a bar, or I don’t care if he does but he can’t expect to have a family and a home unless he finishes university (or some practical course) and builds a career. He’s not very motivated. I hope he doesn’t get jealous of his sister, that’s horrible to live with, comparing and coming up short and the whole damnly knows it and whispers behind your back. God, I hope he doesn’t have to go through what I’ve gone through struggling with not enough money, debt. He already has a student loan to pay back, why don’t his father and grandparents help him with that?……’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘I sure hope my daughter’s life turns out the way she wants. Maybe her boyfriend won’t marry her, she’d be devastated, it nearly killed me when her dad left, god, I hope she doesn’t end up being a single mom like I was, at least she would probably have more money than I had, so it wouldn’t be so devastating and she’s not a drinker. WTF, I have her married and divorced? That’s ridiculous! I hope she doesn’t become too financially successful so her brother doesn’t feel less than by comparison, or change because of having money and become snotty and bitchy like her dad’s relatives, all high and fucking mighty…….’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, connect these thoughts to pictures in my mind of my children succeeding and/or failing/struggling with money , to memories of my past  which brings up pictures in my mind of my past, and then, in turn, to let these memories and fantasies of my children’s futures, bring up emotions of fear/worry/regret/sadness/guilt and to let these emotions control me/control my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier think, ‘I wish my kids would just say f*** you to the current world money system, run away and and live off the land, instead the inevitability of becoming a middle class slave, chained for life to obligation and debt -a slave for the elite. Alternatively, if they are lucky enough to become wealthy, I hope to god they are not greedy, with an insatiable need for more more more positive energy experiences, at the expense of the many (suffering).

I commit myself to, moment by moment, self awareness and to stop and breathe each time I realize I have left that awareness and have become instead the very manifestation of worry, as I now see , realize /understand it is a waste of my time, does not change the facts/physical reality but just creates anxiety/stress, which harms my very physicality.

I commit myself to stop and inhale deeply and on the out breath, take the energies and move them through my body into my toes and return them to the earth/origin/source stating,  ‘Energies, no more! I return you to the earth, to origin, to source!  I decide in this moment to be stable with me as breath‘  then I focus on the task at hand and carry on with my day, my head out the clouds/mind of illusion and back down to earth/reality. I remind myself to be gentle with myself as this -breath awareness -is new to me and I remind myself to be patient and carry on.

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and a process of walking a daily self-corrective application,

stop all participation in thoughts/following thoughts about money and my son’s future. I am not a picture, nor is my son. I now see/realize/understand it is useless and a waste of my time to indulge in fantasies that cause an energetic reaction in my human physical body that harm me, he is capable of taking care of himself and I don’t have to play/engage in the role of ‘mom the protector‘ but can practically offer him assistance and support when/if he asks. I do not accept and allow myself to put my son in a box and label him/limit him in my mind and give him an assigned role, as in ‘you are the ___one’ and expect him to remain in that box, for me as it is what I used to /comfortable with .  I stop myself and breathe and bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical and focus on the task at hand. I remind myself to be grateful for what we have and continue working /moving in a way that is best for all life and share this with him, so all may have all they need, in equality, through the implementation of an Equal money System here on earth.

I commit myself through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, to stopping myself from participating in thoughts about my daughter’s future, specifically around money, as I now see/realize/understand my mind is controlling me in bringing up extremes (her future wealth/her future poverty)  to obsess about. In that, I can also see I am obviously projecting my fear of my past experience on her,  thoughts/reactions of fear of divorce  and then connecting divorce to poverty and struggle. Just because I got divorced obviously does not mean she will. I no longer accept and allow myself to put my daughter in a box and label her/limit her in my mind and give her an assigned role, as in ‘you are the ___one’ and expect her to remain in that box, for me as it is what I used to /comfortable with . I stop and breathe and bring myself back to what is real and requires my attention, before me, my day, my tasks, I focus and carry on, using breath awareness in each moment.

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever a picture arises in my mind to engage me, take me away from reality, of my children’s supposed futures of success or failure, ideas/labels/roles I have chained/assigned to them, memories of my own life with regard to financial struggle and emotional struggle and thereby stopping the onslaught of ensuing emotions which harm/eat away at my very physicality, as I now see realize/understand reacting to memories and pictures as fantasies/delusion in the mind, will only continue the generational disease of the ‘sins of the father’ being passed onto my children and compromise me and in this make it impossible for me to effectively direct myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from projecting my lifestyle choices/values on my children and to stopping all assumptions they would be greedy, as I  now see/realize and understand it is my own fear of myself/who I would be in that situation, if I had got caught up with the wealth game, so once again I am projecting my own fears of how I would behave, on them! Thus, I make the decision to stop, breathe and state, ‘I decide in this moment to be stable with me as breath” and then I walk, focusing on the task at hand.

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