Day 25: The Worrier: Health: Changing The Very Nature of Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the worrier.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, REAL- EYES and understand that, as the worrier, I am not here, with breath awareness, when I am lost in my mind of thoughts/feeling/emotions obsessing about my health in regards to: supposed lack of sleep, smoking, weight gain, age, obsessing about breast cancer when I bathe, getting up in the morning, obsessing about little bumps on my body,
my mom and dad’s health problems.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to , as the worrier, think, ‘I can‘t get enough sleep, it’s so frustrating, first, letting go of my sleeping medication I used for years, which is awesome but at the same time these horrid sweats started so now I wake up continuously the whole fucking night. I can’t cope, I need sleep , I need to nap and then there isn’t enough time to get through all my Desteni participation and course and the rest of my family/job responsibilities. It’s so fucking frustrating, nothing is working. The doctor says be patient, yeah? You try waking up feeling like your burning up/sweating 20 times a night and be patient. It ‘s been going on for a year now, fuck, how much longer? I just hate it . I Hate it!’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to , as the worrier, think, ‘I’m getting old and I still smoke. Shit, I’ve been smoking forever, but I love my cigarettes! I seems to be adding on cigarettes as little rewards throughout my day, I have to remember to count my cigarettes, keep track, shit how many I  have smoked today? They are too expensive, I can’t afford to smoke more anyway. I said I would quit when I was 50, oh well, I don’t drink alcohol, I need a treat, I’m not very addicted, maybe a bit. I wonder if the chemicals in the cigarettes will harm me?  When I don’t smoke for several hours in the day I start coughing, consequence, I wonder if I can transcend the consequence of smoking? I hate feeling helpless over my body! I am the directive principal of my life, my thoughts,my body, my being. I think I am anyway…I hope I am… I need to buy some smokes’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘I am gaining weight. I never had this problem before. I used to drink a lot (alcohol) and smoke a lot so I didn’t want to eat so much. Shit, can’t do that anymore. I have to eat more healthy, low fat, more fiber, I crave sugar, want a chocolate bar, I need and deserve my treats but I’m getting fat! I eat too much being married again, My husband wants me to eat same as him but then doesn’t want me to get fat, wtf, not possible. I never used to eat much meat and cheese and all the chips and chocolate he buys. If it is here I eat it! I have to self-control, discipline, I need more discipline, just say ‘no’. I can’t wear a bikini anymore, too much fat on my stomach, my husband liked it when I wore a bikini, he was proud of me that I was in my forties and still skinny, I wonder if he’ll have an affair?…’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘OMG, I’m getting old. I’m  51 years old and there is no stopping it. I remember my Dad saying, before he died, he felt the same inside as when he was a teenager. Me too, I feel the same but we are prisoners of the body, no control, what a stupid, cruel fate. I don’t want to vilify aging and  idolize youth but when I go visit my Mom in her retirement living complex, aging is pretty scarey, I can’t wait to get out of there, then I feel crappy ’cause many of the residents are cool people, including my Mom. It’s just horrid how my Mom is decaying and what she is going through, just to ‘hang on’ one more day ON THE ROAD TO DEATH! WTF IS THE POINT OF THAT? I don’t get it, people all going to the gym, reading more and more articles that have varying opinions about health/longevity (totally confusing), taking expensive vitamins, and on and on BUT not questioning why we are like this, what is going on, why do we decay, what is the point of birth and death, the supposed beautiful circle of life we are suppose to be so grateful for? When I see my Mom I am not grateful, I am mad, it pisses me off. Thank god for the common sense approach of Desteni. I wish my Mom would do process but she thinks it is silly and just too much, she is not interested to consider the Desteni approach to birthing herself as life in the physical. It makes me sad and feel helpless to assist her in any real way but I can give her my time, kindness and love, as she always gave/gives me.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think when I am bathing, ‘I hope I don’t get breast cancer. Shit there is so much breast cancer awareness everywhere; the pink ribbons for garage sales, in stores, in the media, sports events, etc. , I can’t even think ‘breast’ and I automatically think-connect- cancer, wtf! They say one in three women will get breast cancer, holly crap, at least it’s not in my family history…but still they say don’t assume you won’t get it. I don’t like it when they ask for money for breast cancer research. I know much of the raised money goes to expensive salaries for the doctors and hospital boards so I don’t give to them. I wonder, if I do a breast self-exam tonight, will I feel a lump? Maybe I’ll skip it and just go to bed. When I wash under my arms every night, I am always paranoid, is that a lump, let me compare the other armpit , yeah, it feels different, I think it feels different, let me press harder/slower/in circles, maybe I am getting my period, oh no, I don’t get a period anymore, the doctor says I shouldn’t take estrogen (hormone to stop night sweats for menopause) because it will increase my risk for breast cancer, should I risk it? Damn, then I’ll be searching for changes in my breasts every night in fear, living in even more fear! Maybe I shouldn’t…but I can’t sleep…maybe I should, the ‘research is not conclusive‘  some doctors say, ‘the research is conclusive’ other doctors say. Well shit , I can guess just as easy as you can, 50/50.  My life, my health on the roulette wheel, red or black. I resent that!  I am the directive principal of my human physical body! But not perfected yet so I’ll do the exams. Thank god for DIP, as I now stop my thoughts and bring myself back to the physical (this is expanded in the commitment statements to follow). Still, I could get breast cancer…is that a change?  No,  if it’s cancer, it’s feel like a hard small pea…it doesn’t look different either, does it? Let me compare…’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘I have to get up when I wake up and not lie in bed thinking, starting the machine of the mind (conscious mind), ’cause I am noticing more and more each day, I have been existing within my life in the continual/constant act of thinking , unaware of it!  No wonder much of my life is such a fuck up. But I have always been like this, always not wanting to get up, it’s my nature, I lie in bed for awhile, just me and my thoughts, and think ‘I don’t want to get up, rather go back to sleep’, very productive, lol. So tomorrow, just breathe and rise, breathe and rise, no hesitation, When the alarm goes off, deep breath in and GET UP. No excuse, there is nothing you need to think, self-trust!  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory exist within and as me of being in awe of a girlfriend who could jump out of bed immediately after the alarm went off. I was shocked and impressed. How could she do that? I could never do that. That’s just the ‘way she is made/born’ I am not like that. It is natural for her whereas, it is natural for me to take my time, go slow…be lazy and contemplative instead of action/task oriented and productive. No wonder she ‘succeeded’  in life and I have floundered.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘ Is this a cyst? This wasn’t here before, I don’t think it is a cyst. Maybe it’s the start of a tumor. How can you tell, they say cysts can turn into to cancerous tumors, I should go to the doctor and have them look at it, maybe I should get it removed. What is this reddening on my skin? Is this skin cancer? I havn’t had a physical in a long time, I should make a list of questions for the doctor, oh I made a list, I can’t find my list, shit. I should go to the walk-in clinic or better, I should go to the emergency so they can put my mind as ease, so I’ll know I’m not dying. Wow, I give them a lot of power, no wonder doctors have a god complex, lol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as the worrier, think, ‘I wonder if I’ll get heart disease, both my parents have had a form of heart disease so I’m worried about it, it’s in the family genes, hereditary, and diabetes, I shouldn’t eat so much sugar, shit I love sweets, life is a drag without treats, too many rules, I hate that, my grandfather had to have his legs amputated and now my poor mom’s legs are getting more and more fucked up, she almost had to have her toe amputated recently (an infection that would not heal)
because of the diabetes. It’s all so horrid, I know it is self-interest partly that I worry/obsess because when I look at my mom, I fear to suffer the same fate, and the memory of my poor Dad, he really suffered horribly at the end of his life. But I also know I love and respect them and although I cannot assist them here, in this life, I can continue my process, DIP, for myself  AS/FOR ALL, including my lovely parents.
To Be Continued
Commitment Statements : Day 26

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