Day 30: Facing the ‘I Give Up’ character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the very manifestation of ‘I Give Up’. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, as the ‘I give up’ character, I was participating in the first/activating thought, as one word or picture/pixel in my mind as; my bed, the kitchen clock, ‘late’,’ hopeless‘, thereby setting in motion a slew of thoughts as this character takes over/controls my very beingness and my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, as the ‘I give up’ character, I then follow/engage in inner conversation/backchat in the form of sentences, within and as my mind of: ‘I don’t want to do this, I can’t do this, oh god it’s hard, first I’ll do this little job, it’s too late not enough time to get this done, I’ll do it tomorrow, I should get exercise so I’ll blade first, others do this better than me, others can/should do it not me, it’s harder for me because I’m older, my situation is different, fuck it it’s just too much.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, as the ‘I give up’ character, I have participated in reactions in the form of emotions and feelings within / as this character, firstly negative emotions: overwhelmingness, anxiety building into fear, hopelessness, helplessness, sadness and then in polarity, as my backchat speaks of escape, I experience the following positive feelings:  excitement ( I can go rollerblading instead) relief (I can have a nap instead), renewed calm as I justify my decision to give up (yes, I should walk the dog and pick up some groceries at the same time). In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, as the ‘I Give Up’ character, I have been totally controlled/manipulated by my mind  AS THESE ENERGETIC RESPONSES and not the directive force/principal as life here and therefore, abdicating my responsibility to effectively participate in changing the world to a place that is best for all, in equality in all ways, create heaven on earth for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, as the ‘I give up’ character, I have experienced the following behavioral changes /changes in my physical body: stomach in knots, a heaviness like being weighted down, eyes feel heavy, shoulders and neck stiffen,  then, after the decision is made ‘fuck it, I am giving up’ : a feeling of lightening of the body, relaxation, can breathe easier, muscle loosen and excitement as ‘Ah, thank god that is over’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, as the ‘I give up’ character, I have given authority to the mind to be my master/god to direct me, like a child slave and I see that I have not matured at all, but that I am acting exactly the same as the little girl who feared her father. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am letting FEAR exist as the foundation/root of my very self/beingness and as that root make the decision to GIVE UP, listening to the god/father/authority figure in/of the mind that shouts, ‘No, not you, you are average at best, you cannot do this, take this little reward to subdue/suppress yourself , now go back in the corner and be quiet, for god sake we are busy here, the important people, we are really doing something special’ and me as FEAR bows down and retreats with a sweet, a nap, or a little household chore, I LOVE my chains of knowledge as memory, relieved to out of the spot light of possible exposure to failure, to once again prove they are right, why should I humiliate myself yet again, I’ll stay out of the way, not needed as not good enough as usual , I drag my chains–one more link added in the most recent giving up experience–to the corner of supposed losers, where I am comfortable.

I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop all participation in/as the  ‘I Give Up’ character by being here in breath awareness each moment and so to be aware when that first thought as either word or picture/single pixel, as character activation, arises as I now see/realize/understand to allow this initial thought and the inner chatter/backchat, reactions and behaviors that inevitably follow is to allow my acceptance to slavery to the mind, and thus I will not be the directive force/principal of my life here but simply re-live the past over and over as an organic robot, not changing me as what is best for all life on earth.

I commit myself to show, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, it is possible to be aware of and stop participation in following/relating to inner conversation/backchat in the form of sentences as ‘diminishing self’ / ‘breaking self down deliberately’, as I now see/realize/understand to engage in my mind of excuses only compromises me, leads me down the path of reacting and giving up/powerlessness because there is a hidden want, need, desire still existent within that point/character as FEAR-fear the root, all encompassing reason TO Not CHANGE/face self and LOVE AS FEAR as I love what I know/am ‘comfortable’ with as Sandy the second best/on the sidelines character.
 
I commit myself to assist and support myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and a daily self-corrective application, to stop myself whenever I become aware of  emotions; of firstly the negative followed by the sweet promise of escape/relief of the positive feelings, arising within me, activated by the ‘I give up’ character, as I now see/realize/understand reacting to it will only compromise me, cause  behavioral changes in my physical body  and make it impossible for me to effectively direct myself.  Thus, I breathe and take responsibility to find a solution/new approach, from overwhelmingness and then to relaxation, as polarities in the mind, to a practical physical solution.
 
I commit myself to, whenever I see that I am in the process of talking myself down and out of a point I am facing, I immediately stop, breathe and physically move me in physical reality to get this point done that I am facing, and within this to investigate what is the desire in my secret mind of my past/in my world I am trying to manipulate/validate my giving up of facing me/changing me.
 
I commit myself to,  whenever I see I am having backchat that is in relation to a point I am facing, physically doing a task , and I can see I am putting myself down and it is stealing my attention, motivation, desire,–re-directing me. I stop. I beathe and I say ‘No, not particpating’ bring my awareness back to my task and commit to finish/completion.
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