Note: I stopped drinking alcohol 8 and a half years ago now, but am going back, to face self, in order to stop existing as/within the past of/as memories and live as self-directive force here, in each moment of breath. Break the chains!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will L and P. do without me?… Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll quit tomorrow.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotion of guilt and self-pity and self-hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done? How have I harmed my children?’, when it is a waste of time and knowing my children now see me sober, within first AA (alcoholics anonymous) and now within Desteni, a living, breathing, daily, amends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her -once again- how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’ and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this, the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt L. and I was supposed to be her protector.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of P. sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor P. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is slow (within the world systems of school/work) now. He sits in front of his computer for hours at a time. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself having a picture in my mind of P’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back, because I had blacked out, and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bringing up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love P.. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and L. taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. She asked what it was and I said something like ‘It is a special drink for adults. Don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt, shame, regret bringing up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’ Subsequently, I forgive myself for the following behavioral changes in my physical body as I type this: the muscles in my mid back and chest tightened , my jaw tight and clenched and my breath becoming short and erratic.
Commitment statements to follow.